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Fan Fic / The Not So Short Second Life of Bree Tanner

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The Not So Short Second Life of Bree Tanner and its companion, Ashes through an Hourglass (Oy Angelina), are the metaphorical jackpot for anyone looking for a Good Twilight fanfiction.

The story opens when Jane, the Walking Agony Beam, lets Bree live in a attempt to implicate the Cullens out of spite and in hope that Bree will attack Bella and give her an excuse to kill Bree anyway. It does not work. And from there the series spirals out relying on Rule of Fun, Rule of Cool, as well as characterization for everyone.


Its companion story expands on the Volturi with the ironically humorous Alec narrating the same story, but with much more insight on the other side of things.

  • The (Not So) Short Second Life of Bree Tanner
  • Ashes Through an Hourglass

Unfortunately might be a Dead Fic now.

This Fan Fic provides examples of:

  • Abduction Is Love: Alec paralyzing and abducting Bree from her hotel room to "have a conversation" with her.
  • Affably Evil: Alec at one point kidnaps Bree with his powers, tries to tempt her back into human blood, insults her coven openly, chases her all the way from Sibiu to Cluj-Napoca and then tries to get her to talk about common interests with him.
    • Subverted because He is most likely going to get the girl in the end.
  • At Least I Admit It: Alec is pretty comfortable with who he is and makes no apologies for it.
  • Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: Santigo, but he uses it to his advantage, organizing documents, operating computers, locating vampire law infringers, monitoring the world, playing Video Games, shopping online, and falsifying international information with one hand, and solving a Rubix Cube with the other.
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  • Boring, but Practical: Bree's vampire power is to be able to sense intentions and to be believed when she telling the truth or certain truths. Not flashy, but useful.
  • Brother-Sister Team: Jane and Alec make one of the deadliest.
  • Clingy Jealous Girl: Clingy Jealous Guy: Alec's talk with Seth over Bree's phone REEKS of Murder the Hypotenuse.
    Alec:So the boy's name was Seth, not that it mattered to me. Shallow graves didn't get markers, after all.
  • Creepy Twins: Jane and Alec enable one another's sadistic tendencies not just with their S&Mish powers but mutually morbid sense of humor.
  • Collector of the Strange: Jane has an impressive collection of hourglasses which contain the ashes of the vampires executed by the Volturi.
  • Co-Dragons: Alec and Jane's role within the Volturi.
  • Cute Bruiser: Bree tends to catch people off-guard with her violent problem-solving skills, even other vampires.
  • Dead Pan Snarker: Alec all the way:
    Jane: You never ask what I would do if anyone destroyed you.
    Alec: That's because I always assumed you would find a nice hourglass for me.
  • Demoted to Extra: Bella and Edward's roles have been reduced to welcoming Bree into the family and Edward talking to Bree about the wedding. Justified as there are small hints that the events of Breaking Dawn are still taking place while Bree is off doing her own thing.
    • And it's not like anyone is complaining about it.
  • Dogged Nice Guy: Seth acts a lot like Jacob without the burning hate of vampires, perfect for rounding out the Vampire-Vampire-Werewolf love triangle.
  • Eats Babies: The coven Alec and Jane execute in "Precocious Prizes" are guilty of doing just this, but the Volturi are mad not so much because they did it as because they did not clean up after themselves.
  • Even Evil Has Standards: Alec is shocked and offended by the suggestion that he might have molested Bree while she was incapacitated by his gift.
    Bree: Okay, I'm sorry I implied that. Just because you're a remorseless killer, a stalker and a kidnapper doesn't mean you're also a sex offender.
  • Friendly Neighborhood Vampire: A work in progress.
    • Corin semi-qualifies. She works for the Volturi and drinks human blood but doesn't like making them suffer so much so she'll twist Alec's arm into using his talent to avoid causing her meal fear and pain.
  • Fully-Embraced Fiend: According to Bree, Alec is a "sweet sociopath"
  • Gilded Cage: AKA Volterra if Alec gets his way.
  • Hannibal Lecture: On multiple occasions Alec deconstructs the Cullens' value of human life and their desire to imitate it in ways that make them appear far less noble and benign than portrayed in the book series.
    • During a phone conversation with Alice Cullen, Alec offers a disturbingly alternate view of the Cullen family that depicts them as a cult pretending to be a family who's love and acceptance is entirely dependent on their members' obedience to their diet and human-friendly philosophies. He also accuses the Cullens of forcing their views onto Bree - an impressionable, newborn vampire - and pressuring her to conform to their lifestyle to the point of (unintentionally) physically and emotionally abusing her.
      • Possibly the most horrifying observation Alec makes of the Cullens is that their inaction against the growing newborn army during the events of Eclipse and singular desire to protect Bella Swan resulted in hundreds, if not thousands, of innocent humans (such as Bree herself) dying to build and sustain Victoria's newborn army, all so Bella could have a few extra months as a human being. Which certainly makes the Cullens sound like a bunch of selfish hypocrites when it comes to their criticism of other vampires lacking respect for human life.
    • Ironically, Alec's motivation for saying all this seems to be a genuine desire to alleviate Bree's physical and emotional anguish as well as bolster her self-esteem and independence as a vampire. Something the Cullens are, arguably, not doing despite their professed love.
  • Immortal Immaturity: Vampires have a tendency to act their physical age, though their actual age and personal experiences can curb these impulses and allow them to behave maturely.
    • Alec, for example, carries himself like an adult most of the time but has a few habits befitting a teenager such as: teasing people, taking himself too seriously, overreacting when frustrated, fantasizing about killing his problems away, acting out when he doesn't get his way, handling rejection poorly and stalking Bree around and spying on her, wanting to keep her all to himself and feeling easily jealous of and threatened by anyone he considers to be romantic competition
  • It Gets Easier: Alec is of the opinion Bree would be happier if she embraced what she was by consuming human blood rather than live up to the Cullens' expectations.
  • Little Miss Badass: Jane.
    • Though Bree has her moments.
  • Love Redeems: Bree is determined to follow the Cullens' good example by not drinking human blood even though she really craves it.
  • Manipulative Bastard: Alec prefers constructing elaborate roadrunner trap scenarios in order to spend time with Bree rather than simply going up and talking to her.
    • At one point Alec contacts Santiago to cut all phone communication off between Bree and the Cullens to hinder Alice's ability to warn Bree about any visions she might have pertaining to Alec's scheming. Worst yet. Alec encounters Fred and - upon uncovering his friendship with Bree - directs Fred to Volterra to hold him as a bargaining chip for Bree to spend time with him..
  • Meaningful Funeral: Bree holds one for Diego in the underwater cavern they once shared. She gives him a moment of silence for every moment she knew him. Intense sadness issues.
  • Murder the Hypotenuse: Alec by god, but then he is Affably Evil.
    Alec: My mind flashed images of the ten most gruesome deaths I ever witnesses and I contemplated which one to replicate with this boy.
  • My Beloved Smother: Esme, dear lord. Granted, she generally keeps it down enough that it's more sweet and slightly humorous than stifling.
  • Noble Demon: Alec has one of the scariest reputations amongst vampires yet he can be down-right-decent to people like Corin, Bree, Jane and the driver Santiago hires for him without fully discarding his more devious qualities.
  • Not Growing Up Sucks: Alec has stated several times he is not thrilled to be in his early teens forever and Bree is gradually appreciating how frustrating it will become.
    • It hasn't been specified whether Jane is unhappy with being 14 forever.
  • Poisonous Friend: Alec is firmly of the belief that it is his duty to bring Bree back to the way of life that will make her happy, he naturally pays no mind to what she has to say on the matter.
  • Really 700 Years Old: Jane and Alec have been 14 for close to 350 years. Bree, conversely, is mental-minor for 2 more years since she's a 16 year old trapped in a 15 year old's body.
  • Rube Goldberg Hates Your Guts: Jane keeps trophies from all her kills in the form of Hour Glasses containing the victims' ashes.
  • Sarcastic Confession: Alec uses one on Corin when she wants to know why he's hanging out in Romania. She believes him.... because for some reason, despite knowing him, she doesn't believe that he's stalking and waiting to kidnap his Love Interest..
  • Sixth Ranger: Bree appears to be a fully fledged member of the Cullen Clan but has spent most of her time in the fic away from them thus far.
  • Stages of Monster Grief: Bree is stuck on Defiant(as in defying the vampire norm) while Alec is certain he can bring a full-on betrayal of humanity.
  • Stalking Is Love: Alec seems to think so, going to the vampire radar Demetri to lend him aid in tracking down Bree, however unlike Bella Bree openly calls him out on it after he kidnaps her.
  • Tall, Dark, and Snarky: Alec, sans the tall part.
  • Tear Jerker: If you did not feel sad at Diego's funeral, then you have no soul.
  • The Atoner: Bree is trying to make up for, she believes, failing to save Diego. Even though it was not her fault.
  • Tsundere: Bree qualifies as a Type B since, generally, she's an affable, well-meaning girl when Alec isn't provoking a violent outburst.
  • Twincest: Jane is strongly implied to want this, to Alec's eternal dismay.
  • Vampire-Werewolf Love Triangle: It is pretty clearly being set up, with Alec-Bree-Seth.
    • If two of the three in the triangle are vampires dose it still count?
  • Vegetarian Vampire: She's working on it and falls off that wagon in "Alaska or Bust".
  • Walking the Earth: So far Bree has been to all over Washington, through Alaska, parts of Romania, and, if Alec gets his way, Italy soon as well.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: Jane, she does not understand why she can’t be both a Serial Killer AND a Champion for her kind.
    • Alec wants to save Bree from the Cullens' emotional manipulation . . . by sending her friend to Volterra to use as leverage. Despite his claims of not being a hypocrite, unlike those damn Cullens, one has to wonder if he's really thought this through . . .
  • Wicked Cultured: The Volturi are famous and respected for this by other vampires, even the Cullens.


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