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Fanfic / Precocious Crush

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"Wait" is not an acceptable answer
Precocious Crush is the story of Mindy Macready, better known as Hit Girl, and her attempts to intergrate into normal preteen life while dealing with a growing crush on her closest friend, Dave Lizewski.
Based primarily on the film, though the author borrows from the comic whenever possible, the story combines humor, drama, and even some romance to create a compelling narrative that'll have you rooting for her even if that is kinda fucked up.

This fanfic provides examples of:

  • A-Cup Angst: Mindy is well aware that Dave is a boob man, and that she doesn't have any.
  • Abusive Parents: Jessi's father sexually abuses her and allows his son to do so as well. He also forces her to wear skimpy outfits to appeal to them.
  • All Guys Want Cheerleaders: When Mindy ends up on the cheerleading team, she starts getting more attention from guys.
Apparently averted with Dave, who doesn't seem to care.
  • All There in the Manual: Bonus Chapters and side stories will reveal goings-on behind the scenes that aren't revealed until much later in the story, if at all.
  • Batman Gambit: Chris lets Gigante get out from under his thumb, knowing the first thing he'll do is rat him out to Kick-Ass and Hit Girl, leading them into a trap.
  • Better as Friends: Despite Mindy's hopes, Dave and Mindy work better as friends, as he's not attracted to her at all.
  • Bifurcated Weapon: Dave gets Mindy a staff that splits into two swords for her birthday.
  • Buxom Beauty Standard: Lampshaded when Mindy sees fanart of her with a huge bust. Also relevant since Dave is a breast man, and she's trying to catch his eye.
  • The Cape: The Guardian. He's kind of an asshole about it though. Dave could be considered one as well, but he's much more pragmatic about it.
This tends to be their response anytime something bad happens.
  • Kick the Dog: Mindy states that while she may be capable of doing incredibly cruel and sadistic things to those she thinks deserve it, she'd never do this.
  • The Masquerade Will Kill Your Dating Life: Inverted. Their secret life seems to be Mindy's only hope.
    • Though, granted, this is exclusively because the only guy Mindy is interested in is Dave. Boys her own age are certainly interested though.
  • No Periods, Period:
    • Mindy attributes her violent outburst towards Kiara to being "on the rag".
  • Oh, Crap!: At the end of the assault on The Rainbow Factory, The Motherfucker hits a button that drops a few dozen live grenades into the room with Kick-Ass and Hit Girl.
  • Only Sane Man: Marcus makes several valiant, if futile, efforts to get Mindy to quit superheroing.
  • Precocious Crush: Mindy, at 11, develops a serious crush on Dave, who was then 17.
  • Silk Hiding Steel: Inverted with Mindy, whose tough personality hides a sensitive heart.
  • Survivor's Guilt: Dave still holds himself responsible not only for Damon's death, but for each and every innocent person who died because of the Motherfucker. He hides it pretty well.
    • There is fan speculation that this is also why Dave initially refused to wear armor
  • Took a Level in Badass: Dave, a few times. Most notably when he beat a kid to a pulp and later kicked Mindy in the face.
  • Troubling Unchildlike Behavior: Jessi, despite being very timid otherwise, wears very racy clothing even though she seems to hate it. She wears them because her sexually abusive father forces her to.
  • Under the Mistletoe: Dave gives Mindy a chaste kiss while leaving a Christmas party. The kiss she gives him in return is not.
  • Wham Line: Two notable ones, chapter after chapter. "But, really, how could I have guessed that Jessi was going to go home and kill her family?" in Chapter 153, and "Jessi's father and brother have been raping her for the last three years." in 154.
  • Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?: Chris even puts the gun to Mindy's head and yells, "Bang" just to show that he could have, except she hasn't suffered enough.