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Fanfic / My Life as a Teenaged Von Neumann Device

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A typical day for Jenny Wakeman turns awkward when she and Brad discover that her new touch sensors work a little better than they ever realized... and even more awkward when a little "fooling around" leads to a whole host of desires Jenny never knew she had.

But Jenny's sexual awakening isn't the only thing she's got on her plate. Along with all the baggage that comes with teen sex, she's got to deal with the scheming of the Crust cousins and the Cluster's latest plot to win her over to their side.


Read it here, but be warned it's (obviously) NSFW.

This fic contains examples of

  • Alternate Continuity: In this continuity, Jenny and Misty never come to blows like they did in "Mist Opportunities" and are still best friends. Also, in this continuity, Vexus slowly but surely resumes control of Cluster Prime after Vega's coup backfires, unlike the series, where the coup goes without fail and Vexus was ultimately exiled.
  • Better as Friends: It takes a while after Brad and Jenny find out about each other's affairs (Jenny with Sheldon, Brad with Brit) for them to see eye-to-eye or even speak to each other, but they eventually come to terms that Brad was more interested in the thrill and adventure Jenny faces rather than an actual relationship.
  • Berserk Button: Jenny's pregnancy actually invokes this, as anything remotely resembling a danger to the child is dealt with extreme, and in Vexus' case, lethal force.
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  • Betty and Veronica: This fic portrays Sheldon and Brad as a gender-flipped example of this trope; Brad's the cool and suave Veronica, while Sheldon is the sincere yet awkward Betty. It looks like Brad "wins" at first, but after Britt manipulates Jenny and Brad into a break-up, Brad concedes that he was mostly dating Jenny for the adventure of it, so Sheldon "wins." Interestingly, the fact that Brad is a good sport about it wins him some "Betty" points, while Sheldon later develops some confident "Veronica" traits so he can help Jenny.
  • Brain Uploading: After Sheldon's body is damaged beyond repair, Nora uploads his mind into the Silver Shell. It's explained that Nora had the technology on hand to do this to herself, in the event of the completion of the XJ project being beyond her natural lifespan.
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  • Calling the Old Woman Out: After Sheldon's accident, when Nora starts humoring the idea of severing all ties between Jenny and Brad, Jenny calls her out, stating that a) this whole thing started because Nora wouldn't let Jenny learn anything about sex, forcing her to go to Brad, and b) Brad didn't do anything that she didn't let him do. Nora, to her credit, concedes that Jenny makes a valid argument.
  • The Casanova: The author cuts Brad, normally a Casanova Wannabe, a big break here, as he teaches Jenny about sex and hooks up with her, has a steamy (albeit one-sided and manipulated) affair with Brit Crust, is asked by Nexus to visit Cluster Prime some time for a more "private thank-you" for his help in the rebellion, enters into a steamy, but solid relationship with Tiff Crust, and, as it turns out, he learned everything he knew about sex from Misty on one of her return visits to Earth! Dude knows how to get around the galaxy...
  • Coming-of-Age Story
  • Demonization: It turns out that part of the reason Britt was always such a bitch to Jenny is because Britt was unconsciously demonizing Jenny as a glory-seeker. But when Jenny puts herself at risk to save her baby, and on top of that, puts herself at risk in a situation where no one can see Jenny doing it, Britt is forced to realize that Jenny really is the hero she always seemed to be...which means Britt was wrong! And that causes Britt to undergo a Villainous Breakdown.
  • Didn't Think This Through: In an attempt to keep Jenny from suffering a similar 'love'em and leave'em' scenario as her, Nora does everything in her power to keep her daughter completely ignorant on the subject of sex. Unfortunately, she never considered the possibility of Jenny asking one of her schoolmates (in this case, Brad).
  • Double Standard: Rape, Female on Male: Averted. Brad being hassled by the female alien bikers who have already torn his clothes badly and are clearly and crudely making their desire to forcibly have sex with him obvious is treated as genuinely horrifying with Misty's arrival having her be very pissed they're treating a guy that way and when an insane Britt repeatedly forces herself on him, it's treated as total Nightmare Fuel. Granted, she was also going out of her way to try to kill him too but the point still stands.
  • Even Evil Has Standards: Vexus eviscerates a pair of Cluster soldiers who raped Jenny.
  • Everybody Has Lots of Sex
  • Fun with Acronyms: Tactile Information Transferral System, Traffic Halting and Odor Neutralizing Garment...funny, yet functional terms!
  • Grey Goo: Nora explains that the reason she 'humanized' Jenny's reproductive capabilities was to avoid this sort of scenario.
  • Harmful to Minors: This story was not kind to Tuck and while things like walking in on Dr. Wakeman pleasuring herself are Played for Laughs, being held hostage, finding out his parents have been murdered and nearly being killed himself are most definitely not.
  • Heel–Face Turn: Tiff Crust finally gets fed up with her cousin's Alpha Bitch attitude, especially after Britt goes crazy.
  • Hidden Depths: Turns out Tiff is rather articulate when it comes to writing letters.
  • Journey to the Center of the Mind: Jenny goes into Sheldon's mind after Vexus drives him Brainwashed and Crazy.
  • Mama Bear: After her assault on a pregnancy-weakened Jenny during the Halloween party, Vexus has Jenny down and out before planning to eviscerate everyone she loves, starting with her child, whom Vexus tries to pierce through Jenny's abdomen. Cue Jenny separating Vexus from her attacking arm and then throwing Vexus so hard into a oak tree, she breaks both the sound barrier and Vexus herself! It's then taken to gruesome levels when Jenny literally tears Vexus in two, holding her upper body aloft, before punching Vexus' head clean off her shoulders!
  • Mega Crossover: Sorta; the story is sprinkled with references to other Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon shows.
  • Mistaken for an Imposter: When Vexus ends up teleporting into Don Prima's mansion during a Halloween party, she's mistaken by the good host for the dominatrix he hired for the 'private' party upstairs.
  • My God, What Have I Done?:
    • In chapter 8, Jenny reflects that she was previously disdainful of Sheldon because he was unpopular, somewhat unattractive, and his interest in robotics made him an outcast. Upon realizing this, Jenny becomes uncomfortable at how close this is to describing herself. And she becomes even more disgusted with herself when she realizes that now that she's dating popular, attractive Brad, and even previously when she was chasing popular and attractive Don Prima, she's come very close to emulating the social-ladder-climbing of the Crust cousins.
    • Nora Wakeman also has a moment like this in chapter 22, because in this fanfic, it turns out that Phineas Mogg and Nora Wakeman's rivalry is pointless, since Phineas Mogg wasn't ripping off Nora's ideas after all. In fact, he actually helped Nora with many of her projects, including XJ-9 herself. Furthermore, Nora and Phineas had a romantic tryst once at a party, but Nora was too drunk at the time to remember it later, so Phineas has wondered for years why Nora seemed to give him the cold shoulder for no reason. When Nora realizes all of this, she sobs that she's been such a fool.
  • Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!: Britt Crust probably wouldn't have gone crazy if Jenny hadn't snapped in Chapter 15 and decided to repay all the times the Crust cousins had publicly humiliated her.
    • In a roundabout way, Sheldon's Primal Scene moment, and the resulting car accident, probably wouldn't have happened if Nora had been more upfront with Jenny on the subject of sex.
  • Porn with Plot
  • Primal Scene:
  • Rape as Drama: In chapter 10, Jenny is molested by a pair of Cluster goons.
    • In flashback, we find out that Brad had a Near-Rape Experience with the female biker aliens and only Misty's timely arrival saved him from something that would have at best left him badly injured and severely traumatized and at worst, if some of their Trash Talk was accurate and not just them trying to demean him, would have killed him.
    • While nothing appears to come of it, there's a vibe of this trope during Britt's interrogation of Tuck when he's distinctly more worried about the claws resting on his belt than the ones on his neck.
  • Ridiculously Human Robot: To the point of Jenny having working reproductive organs modeled off human ones.
  • Romantic False Lead: Brad. Jenny dates him at the beginning of the fanfic, but ends up dating Sheldon later after a really bad break-up with Brad (engineered by Britt). However, Brad is treated sympathetically; he remains a pretty good guy from start to finish, and he admits later that he was mostly dating Jenny for the adventure of it, so he's a good sport about Jenny dating Sheldon later.
  • Sanity Slippage: Britt Crust goes from having an irrational hatred of Jenny to outright paranoia about "the machines" to getting a messiah complex and being convinced she's the only one who can save the human race from the "robot menace".
  • Set Right What Once Went Wrong: Sort of. When Jenny has to go into Sheldon's mind to prevent a Brainwashed and Crazy Silver Shell from removing the Sheldon personality, she ends up having to make some of his more negative memories about her more positive, to prove to Sheldon that Sheldon deserves to still be around.
  • Shotgun Wedding: Jenny is nearly forced to wed Vexus's son.
  • Shown Their Work: There are many subtle references to many past episodes, showing the author really put a lot of research into the show and the story.
  • Single Woman Seeks Good Man: Jenny starts dating Brad, who although a Casanova is ultimately a good guy. She later dates Sheldon, after coming to fully appreciate how much he cares about her.
  • Standard '50s Father: Sheldon's second robot body is modeled on this.
  • The Talk: Dr. Wakeman gives Jenny and Brad some sage advice after finding out they're in a relationship.
  • Their First Time: Brad and Jenny in chapter 4.
  • The Unfavorite: Tiff Crust to Britt Crust.
  • Villainous Breakdown: When Jenny refuses to surrender to the Britt/Vexus hybrid when it looks like her friends and family have been killed, Britt undergoes a Heel Realization and literally breaks down... which unfortunately leaves the berserk Vexus in charge of their body.
  • Wacky Cravings: Jenny develops these while pregnant with such gems as biting Sheldon because she's craving tungsten, eating Tuck's tricycle, eating pennies like popcorn and devouring several containers of iron, which she admitted she didn't care for when she was younger and doesn't go out of her way to eat normally.
  • Your Cheating Heart: Both Brad and Jenny wound up having an affair with others, although Jenny's was more about discovering Sheldon was a better love match and Brad's affair with Brit was rather one-sided. Upon discovering the pregnancy resulting from Jenny's affair with Sheldon, Brit attempts to use this to demoralize Jenny by not only revealing who the father is to Brad, but also showing Jenny photos of Brit's earlier tryst with Brad. It almost works.
  • You Shall Not Pass!: When Britt/Vexus attacks the Wakeman household while Jenny's giving birth, XJs 1 through 8 sacrifice themselves in order to buy time.

Example of: