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Fanfic / Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals

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Yeah, it's a little like that.note 

"Hm interesting i can use this broken hitrent as a boost for my tank witch Wil then make me abel to fly using rocket boosters so i can go to forrest and figt the vampers and live up to my organizaton name and UNLEESH HECK on the badguys of corse witch is why my last name is badguy aktualy it is not the reeson why but i do not rilly follow my family name i am aktualy a goodguy but for why im caled badguy is my family name; and i have bad past with my family who iis real badguy and gav me a badtime and showd he was badguy on me during the time i had in the past way back dering the past when i was kid but that aanother story taht I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT RIT NOW."
-Alucard, chapter 1.

Hecksing Ulumate Crconikalsnote  is the third entry the Stylistic Suck SBIG series by Great Pikmin Fan and the first one longer than a one-shot to be completed. Unlike its other installments, this one actually follows the story of the original canon of Hellsing at first before slowly turning into an unusual adventure.

Alucard Badguy is a powerful vampire who kills other, evil vampires by the word of Integra Heck. Then, one fateful night during an attack of a forest, he ends up needing to do an Emergency Transformation to Seras Victoria. Finding out that the vampire who caused this was a part of a former co-organization Heavensing, Integra then sends Alucard and the newly vamperized Seras to "SERCH AND DESTROY TOES TRADERS." After a short battle, a spell that was keeping out all non-Hecksing or Heavensing vampires is broken with the death of Heavensing's leader... Ned Flanders (yes, you read that right), who got himself killed after Alucard killed his lover Father Alexander Anderson and he tried to avenge him (yes, you read that right too). With this spell broken, the mysterious Millennium are now free to wreek havok (or, rather, UNLEESH HECK [sic]) on the United Kingdoms of London. For most of the following chapters, Hecksing has to foil the various plans of the Millennium.


Also involved is a martian rockster Parody Stu, Carl, who's a blatant reference to Charlie Sheen/Charlie Harper, the Major crossdressing as a part of a Show Within a Show, a giant, mutant Homer Simpson, a giant, non-mutant David Hasselhoff, and Rip Van Winkle becoming an overly sexualized Ms. Fanservice.

A semi-sequel, Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals, was released on the anniversary of HUC's first chapter. It takes place in the same universe as HUC, and focuses on the Homestuck characters, as well as elaborating a little more on the rest of the chapter 9 jury and the world in general. First through means of taking place in the same general timespan as the events of HUC, but as of the end of its fifth season, it's going to start going forewards past chapter 12. (13 being a Distant Finale.) There is also a sort of Crossover, Carl Stevens Universe, where the members of Hecksing who survived in HUC (Carl, Seras, Rip, and the Captain) get into a bit of a quarrel with the Crystal Gems. Another expansion came in the form of a prequel fic titled Hecksing: The Dawn, which aimed to bring more light to some of the members that didn't survive by virtue of taking place in the past. Dawn is more of a Monster of the Week format and composed of six chapters, and can be found here. Until it gets the need to be split off on its own page, tropes for the Dawn will be listed here. Finally, there is Housestuck: The Split, a fan fic set on an alternate timeline that was created during the events of the time travel chapternote  in Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals. Split is aimed to answer a number of questions in other SBIG stories and, in general, serve as the Grand Finale for all of it, but due to Great Pikmin Fan wanting to wrap a few elements up first, it's slated for a distant 2017 release.


One year after ending Sweet Jade and Hella John, Pikmin Fan started a massive edit of about half of the SBIG installments. That has finished, and right now Fan plans to occasionally post the original versions of the chapters on the Fan Fiction Wiki. Its page there can be found here.

This fan fic provides examples of:

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    General/Ulumate Crconikals — A to M 

  • Acrofatic: Major can apparently run up walls, do improbable backflips, and dodge exploding bullets, as he does in chapter 11.
  • Adolf Hitler: It's a badfic of a series with Nazis as the main villains. Him being the Bigger Bad is kind of a given.
  • Aerith and Bob:
    • Hecksing consists of, at one point or another, Integra, Seras, Alucard, Rip, Zorin, Kamina, and... Carl. And this is especially weird because Carl is a Martian, and thus the most exotic member of Hecksing by an entire planet.
    • Dawn has an HRG composed of two people: Haxxor, and... Kenny. Hecksing also gets two completely new original characters for members: Kaitana and... Denise.
  • Affectionate Parody: Of Hellsing. And action stories in general.
  • All Men Are Perverts: Ultimately subverted. Carl, Quimby, and side character John Egbert's character within a show (HHC reveals that he himself isn't exactly perverted, but he flirts with everyone) show this. Carl is constantly hitting on every woman we sees and ogoling several others, Quimby is an outright womanizer, and John's character peeks up the skirt of Jade's character during said show. The subversion comes in how Alucard isn't, throughout both stories and Housestuck he has never desplayed the slightest sexual interest in anything or anyone, and Kaitana from Dawn is fairly modest too.
  • Anti-Climax: It would be easier to list which battles aren't: Zorin and Rip vs Seras and Carl; Seras, Zorin, and Rip vs Walter; and Hecksing vs Lawyer Guy. Perhaps the worst by far is Hecksing vs Hitler.
  • Anyone Can Die: The number of important characters left alive can be counted on one hand. Barely, though.Spoilers, obviously 
  • Artifact Title: The pun of "Hellsing Ultimate" stops making sense after chapter 7. The following chapters not only do not corrspond to an OVA, but also go off on a completely different storyline.
    • Non-Indicative Name: The "Hecksing"/"Hellsing" part, however, never makes much sense in the first place. Alucard's back story and the Hellsing family is goneincluding Integra actually encountering Alucard in the first place, which is replacted with a simple Crash-Into Hello. And, as you can imagine, Van Helsing has absolutely nothing to do with this story in any way whatsoever. Integra's last name, changed or not, is pretty much the only reason why this story is named the way it is. And even then she dies off in chapter 9.
  • Artistic License – Geography: Invoked. England is referred to as the "United Kingdoms of London," and in early chapter 8 (it changes and gets ret-conned mid-chapter, oddly) the author belives that the Grand Canyon was a part of Germany.
  • Asshole Victim:
    • Alucard. His kill of Edward implies that he sometimes kills vampires just for being weak, their status as good or evil doesn't matter. This only raises the question of how he expects vampires to be strong. Housestuck makes it worse, as it's revealed that Edward was killed while he was on a harmless date.
    • Integra forces her comandees to let over four hundred mooks slaughter the United Kingdoms of London in chapter 8. The very next chapter, she gets killed by Lawyer Guy.
    • Zorin Blitz. While she seems to redeem herself by joining Hecksing, this happens all too short before she's killed by Walter as an example to show how much of a threat he was. Prior to all of this, she seemed like just as much of an enemy as she was in the original show, with a tiny bit of Cloud Cuckoolander tendancies (but who doesn't have those?) and with added Pikmin fangirlism.
  • Author Appeal: Great Pikmin Fan likes Total Drama, Homestuck (starting after he published chapter 4), and as his username implies Pikmin. Let's just leave it at that. Pikmin Fan also apparantly doesn't like modern Simpsons, openly mocking it in one of the first lines of the fan fic and killing or near-killing (in Quimby's case) every character from that series to appear except Wiggim (who is revealed to have died in Housestuck anyway). The sexual variant of this trope is parodied with Rip.
  • Author Tract: Parodied. At the end of chapter 9, Carl, for no reason, gives a short rant against aboriton. Despite the fact that abortion was never mentioned before.
  • Ass Pull: Invoked with the Pikmin in chapter 10. Just where did they come from?
  • Babies Ever After: Averted for Hecksing. Played straight with background characters John and Jade, although that's due to the incest joke.
  • Back for the Dead: Walter in chapter 8, as well as everyone whom Alucard ate in chapter 4.
  • Back for the Finale: The Captain.
  • Big-Lipped Alligator Moment: Invoked. At one point in chapter 10, Alucard's tank starts talking. The narrator quickly says that it's not really happening, however.
  • Big "NO!": "Double no!"
  • Bigger Bad: Hitler.
  • Bishōnen: The fan fic describes Alucard and Luke as this. To the extent that when Alucard kills Luke, he says "Ar, there be only won bishie in this fan fic!" Carl, though, is not bishonen, and the narrator would like to point out.
  • Black Comedy Rape: Discussed but never played straight. (HUC is supposed to be lighthearted afterall.) When Walter and Captain kidnap Quimby, Quimby asks if they're going to "coitus him". Walter answeres with "ew no..."
  • Blade Below the Shoulder: Major's main weapon, taking a page directly from Mr. Feather.
  • Blood Knight: Keeping with canon, Major.
    I like war. It makes my penis nice and hard.
  • Bottle Episode: Chapter 12 is by far the shortest chapter in the entire fan fic and just something to knock out of the way while the author plans the grand finale of chapter 13. Except that 12 was supposed to be the grand showdown against Hitler.
  • Brick Joke:
    • Within the first set of chapters, Noah is referred to as being "from a different anime" twice. This gag seems to have been abandoned until the very last line before the closing AN.
    • Carl's introduction says that he does not look like a woman. This is brought up again during his Shirtless Scene in chapter 11.
  • Britain is Only London: Parodied. The country is called "The United Kingdoms of London."
  • Brother–Sister Incest: For side characters. "John and JAde made a sucessful TV series based on ther pasrt intrests Nick Cage Squidels and Ed Edd and Eddy the Mis-Edcventures. Also the 2 got maried and have kids, but they also have genderbend clones after a lab expiriment wqent wrong. John's clon is Jean and Jade's is Jude."
  • Bus Crash: What happened to Sonic. And Cartman, but at least he got an explanation.
  • The Cameo: Ren and Stimpy. Twice.
  • The Capital of Brazil Is Buenos Aires: Chapter 3. Brazil itself isn't mentioned much, but when it is.... Although it's snowing, which isn't really that rare of an occurance.
  • Captain Ersatz: Alucard (and later, Carl) of John Freeman. Complete with having a vehicle where it shouldn't be (in Al's case, a tank).
  • Canser Bars: In the finale. Also probably what obscures Rip when her clothing becomes see-through.
  • Characterization Marches On: The entire first season barely had any consistency with its characters compared to how they would be later on. Seras was actually rational at first, Carl was more of a perverted asshole, and Rip acted like an idiot (which makes less sense considering how she acts as a sane, intelligent guide to Seras in chapter 8).
  • Chekhov's Gun: Alucard's tank after it fell into the ocean unharmed in chapter 4. To be fair, it did mention the tank as "waiting".
  • Chekhov's Gunman: Ed, Eddy, and Sonic appear as part of the jury in chapter 9, and within the same chapter they provide rides for Hecksing while they're running away/chasing Lawyer Guy. Sadly, the other sevenWho are  don't do anything noteworthy for the fan fic and only have a small mention in the epilogue. (Except John and Jade, a clip of their show was seen during Rip's award hosting.)
  • Coitus Ensues: The ending to chapter 7.
  • Couch Gag: Both this and Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals have a part of the opening author's note that details that this story contains stunts performed by several expert vampires (teenagers in HHC) and one badass _____, with the blank being whatever is relevant to the chapter or even just one character-monster that appears there (it's never the same thing twice). For some reason, this starts up in Dawn but gets forgotten about.
  • Crack Fic: Adolf Hitler as a life-draining snakeman who can summon minions from four different Hells! Alucard flying around in a tank with rocket boosters! A Martian expy of Charlie Harper having to deal with an evil liquid metal lawyer with his partners, a former Nazi opera fan and a tsundere-with-little-dere cop girl! Said Charlie expy and the Master Chief who is really Kamina saving Quimby from the Simpsons by riding on a giant David Hasselhoff! The list goes on...
  • Critical Research Failure: Invoked.
    • "The United Kingdoms of London."
    • The Grand Canyon being in Germany before this is Retconned... mid chapter.
    • Section DCLXVI's (problems with a Catholic military group naming themselfs after the Number of the Beast aside) units being referred to as the KKK.
    • "Hitler Badguy." Who's Alucard Badguy's brother.
    • The fourth chapter of Dawn has a computer screen that displayed three consecutive error screens: A Youtube loading icon, a Mac spinning circle, and a Window's Blue Screen of Death. And it's not trying to load a Youtube video. Even worse, this takes place in 1980.
  • Crossdresser: During the Show Within a Show starting the Millennium, the Major plays as the "mother" of the family by wearing a pink dress.
  • Crossover: With The Simpsons, Halo, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, Pikmin, and briefly with Ed, Edd n Eddy, Sonic the Hedgehog, Bleach, One Piece, Naruto, Homestuck, South Park, and Mega Man (Classic). But not Total Drama. That's a different anime. For crossing over in Housestuck instead.
  • Cruel and Unusual Death: Used often. Tubalcain and Jan both get holes blown in them from Carl's sonic waves. Similarly, Zorin gets a hole punched in her face from Mayor Quimby's blood extracted by Walter. Walter himself gets blown up by over a hundred bullets striking him at the same time. Lawyer Guy is melted/evaporated by lava in a volcaino. (Though he is a liquid metal robot.) Major gets a spike shoved up his ass. Finally, Hitler and Schrodinger both blow up in a massive explosion of Weird Quantum Shit.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: Almost every fight. A notable pair of example would be both of the fights between Alucard and Anderson. The first consisted entirley of Anderson rushing up to Alucard and decapitiating him. The second starts once Alucard fully regenerates, wherein he eats Anderson for calling Integra stupid.
  • Cute Monster Girl: The Crconikals world seems to be filled with sexy monster-hybrids of both sexes, made more obvious in Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals and Hecksing: The Dawn. Hecksing has an assortment of vampiresnote , Martiansnote  and werewolvesnote . Housestuck brings in trollsnote , whatever the leprechaun-Felt members are in this universe (in Jane's opinion), the jungle/snow/sea/desert people mentioned in season four briefly, and possibly the "wisps." Dawn has Elemental Embodiments in the form of four attractive women, both a mermaid and a merman who are Voluntary Shapeshifters, whatever the 360 co-members working with Kamina are, and holograms (Cortana). Also, Mystique and possibly Catwoman if the story took her name literally and painted her as an actual part-cat hybrid. Which, considering what it's like, it might.
  • Darkest Hour: The beginning of chapter 5. Alucard's death happened no more than a few hours ago, with Schrodinger arrogantly broadcasting it for Hecksing to see, Integra's gone in order to find a replacement, and two of Millennium's forces are heading towards the manor, eventually using 666 of their 1,000 vampire soldiers to kill Carl, Seras, and the Geese. While the rest of the 334 vampires are out terrorizing London. It gets lighter afterward, thanks to the increase in Hecksing's roster and the sillier plotlines, and it's all played for laughs, but it's still the closest that the villains came to winning.
  • Deader Than Dead: So Anderson, Luke, "Card Guy" (Tubalcain Alhambra) and "First Boss" are all eaten by Alucard. But that doesn't mean that he can't summon them as familiars, right? Not if Alucard's dead.
  • Decoy Protagonist: Alucard, in an odd way. The first "season" (chapters 1-4) appears to focus mainly on him as he tries to kill the Millennium, but come chapter four at the end of the season where he's suddenly Killed Off for Real by Jan. The focus then shifts to Carl.
  • Demoted to Extra:
    • Anyone who isn't Seras or Rip. Pip is by far the worst offender, getting only two lines before Carl's spaceship falls on him.
    • In-fic example: Master Chief/Kamina. He starts out having some minor role in the missions and even ends up killing the Captain, then he becomes irrelevant during chapter 9 aside from supplying Hecksing with some tools. After the reveal of his true identity, he helps take out the Titan Mecha and indirectly kills Doctor, but then he vanishes to go looking for Schrodinger. He returns later on in the same chapter, only to die near the end.
  • Designated Hero: Invoked with Seras. In this fic, she contributes almost nothing, doesn't actually kill any member of the MillenniumNote , abuses and insults her own teammates, and acts as an uncontrolled ragaholoic.
  • Disc-One Final Boss: Alexander Anderson. He's referred to as the "final boss of the fan fic," even though there's the entire Millennium before reaching there. And he's only fought once. Dawn does things a little differently, he's ultimately the final antagonist Hecksing as a whole fights against, but Alucard has a little showdown with Rip afterwards.
  • Disney Death:
    • Jan Valentine. Only once, though, the second time he's Killed Off for Real.
    • The Captain, who will later be revived through familiar by Rip in the final chapter.
  • Disproportionate Retribution/I Take Offense to That Last One!: In the first chapter, Alucard takes special offense to Anderson's "STUPID INTEGRA" line. Enough to eat him over it.
  • Distant Finale:
    • Takes place 30 years in the future. Likely inspired by Hellsing's own.
    • The ending of Dawn has a variant, where it takes place shortly before the beginning of Ulumate.
  • Double Standard: Abuse, Female on Male: Carl and Seras. Though subverted as it's implied that Carl treats her (and Rip, if the flashback at the beginning of chapter 9 is anything to go by) like crap and at one point even rips off her skirt in public for no reason. Their relationship as a whole is pretty bad both ways, which is the whole point.
  • Drill Sergeant Nasty: The first of Pip's two lines in the fan fic imply that he is like this.
  • Early-Bird Cameo: It is mentioned in the epilogue's intermission that John Egbert gets a female clone of himself in a lab accident named Jean. Jade also has a clone named Jude. SJAHJ was in the middle of Intermission Act Two at the time of this chapter, back when the counterparts (of which Jean and Jude are) were barely hinted at.
  • Early Installment Weirdness: The first season didn't have as concrete characterization and holds record for being the closest Pikmin Fan ever came to playing The Stations of the Canon straight. The latter is weird seeing how the author would later go on to say things like "Don't rehash canon." The central characters were also vastly different; Seras didn't have her hot-temper established until later on and was very briefly geared to be the Ms. Fanservice, and Rip (who would take said Ms. Fanservice role from Seras) wasn't even in the story until chapter 4. In short, the fact that Seras is the only character with perfect attendance in appearing in every chapter really says something.
  • Everybody Knew Already: Walter finds out about the Millennium by Google searching them. Which also gives away one of their current missions. Though given that he is really working for them all along, he could have just been lying. Then again, we have seen him lie before about not secretly working for them and he's really bad at it.
  • Everybody Laughs Ending: Except for the main characters, as they are what's being laughed at because they forgot clothes.
  • Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": Tubalcain Alhambra is only referred to as "Card Guy" throughout the entire fan fic. This is presumably because of his name being difficult to spell. Also, Schrodinger is referred to as "Catboy" from the ending to chapter seven onwards. Then there's Lawyer Guy, who is an Original Character who's name is never revealed. (He might not even have a name, due to being a robot.) Oddly, "Major" is just called "Leader" until he is properly revealed, but this sudden "name reveal" means absolutley nothing, especially since in canon he's seen as early as the second OVA.
  • Exactly What It Says on the Tin: The title of chapter 12. "Vs Hitler." It's pretty much just that, with the addition of a one-line funeral for Kamina. (And, oddly, nobody else who died, like Alucard, Zorin, or Integra.)
  • Famous Last Words: All of these are taken directly, typo-for-typo, from the fan fic.
    • "NO WAT DA FU-" Alexander Anderson
    • "No didly o! my boyfriend is dead! We wheere lovers! I kill you!" Ned Flanders
    • "Uh oh im starting to thik THIS IS BAD IDEA." Luke Valentine
    • "HA HA THAT MY POWER!" "Card Guy" (Tubalcain Alhambra)
    • "MOOOO!" Alucard Badguy
    • "RAWR! I AM GOING TO EET YOURE BRANS!" Giant Mutant Homer Simpson
    • "OMG IS THIS BE MY HOUSE?" The last member of the Wild Geese, aside from Carl
    • "CAN I JOIN?" Another Millennium mook, asking if he could make the Carl/Seras/Rip/Zorin foursome a fivesome
    • "Oh fuck." Walter C. Dornez, human form
    • "Remember wen I said i was also named Angel of death? Ya well gess what, IM RELLY A ANGEL!" Walter C. Dornez, after revealing his angel form
    • "AND NOW I OUT, YOU WILL DAED!" Jan Valentine
    • "And Seras... I know you can avenge Alucard for me." Integra Heck
    • "OH CARP! I BETTER GET MYSELF OFF OR ELSE I FAL INTO LAVA AND MELT!" Lawyer Guy. Specifically, the unit that was sent to kill Hecksing
    • "YOU HAVE NOT SEEN MY LAST!" The Doctor
    • "DONT SHOOT MAH GIRL BICH!" Seras's Mom
    • "Ow my ass! OW! MY HEAD!" The Major
    • "How the fuck you kill a guy like that?" Kamina, as this is technically the last thing he says before Hitler life-drains him, although unlike most examples there's a bit of a space between the line and his death
    • "If my life is tobe sucked into another then I cant existing myself anymore so I am now just..." "Cat Boy" (Schrodinger)
    • "FUCK I CANT ALL THIS SMOKE!" Enrico Maxwell
  • Fan Disservice:
    • The story feels the need to point out that the Major has man boobs.
    • Rip's new design, depending on how you factor in/think of her appearance, since her breast size would normally be comically large, and her canon self has caused some Viewer Gender Confusion.
    • Great Pikmin Fan's Tumblr, while he was updating this story, would post an image related to the chapter that was updated. The final picutre was a shot that took place somewhere around the last scene, with Seras, Carl, and Rip standing naked, shown from the back. Carl's butt is shriveled-looking, and described by Fan as "Hank Hillian," Rip's butt is huge and has a jarring difference from the rest of her body (probably a nod to her Gag Boobs), and while Seras has the most "normal" looking ass of the three, it's still all done in cheap MS Paint. Here is the post in question. The fact that Rip's hair appears to be blown by the wind so that it isn't covering her up might make things worse.
  • Four Is Death: Guess what chapter contained Alucard dying, Walter revealing himself as a traitor, Jan showing how powerful his roboarm is, and is rather aptly titled "A Shocking Twist!" It's also arguably the chapter where the fan fic truly starts to diverge from canon's plotline.
  • Foreshadowing:
    • Alucard saying that there is no such thing as immortallity becomes this, as the perfect example of that statement would be someone as seemingly immortal as him dying. From the same chapter, Alucard questioning Seras as to what would she do if he wasn't there.
    • Carl betting Seras in chapter 3 that he will see her naked in a week. Cue chapter 7....
  • Freudian Excuse: Good guy example. Alucard's reason for becoming a vampire and joining Hecksing was because his abusive brother Hitler wanted to try to make him a villain.
  • Freudian Slip: Invoked.
    • In chapter 8, Carl asks Jan if he was the guy who killed Alucard. Except the exact quote was if he "fucked Alucard," with the "up" that should have been in there missing. Jan answers that by saying that he killed him, getting rid of any ambiguity in Carl's question.
    • Chapter 5 has Integra's flashback (which is actually from Alucard's perspective for the most part), where it says that Alucard's older brother Hitler wanted to "manhood" him when he turned old enough. It's supposed to mean something along the lines of "put him through family tradition and make him become a villain," but the way it was written just sounds... well... like something else.
  • Full-Frontal Assault: Carl, Rip, and Seras end up doing this accidentally in the final chapter. Quimby points out that they basically went into battle while forgetting to put clothes on first.
  • Giant Space Flea from Nowhere:
    • Lawyer Guy. He has no connections with Hitler revival groups (which is unusual for this fan fic since nearly every other "evil organization" is an HRG), isn't mentioned before or after, has no backstory, and ultimatley just seemed like an excuse to get Integra killed. Lampshaded when the narrator says that the chapter he appears in is borderline filler.
    • Giant Mutant Homer Simpson. Literally only serves as someone for Master Chief to kill so that Integra can hire them as Alucard's replacement. That is, before his story was elaborated in in Housestuck.
  • Groin Attack: According to the narrator, the balls are vital organs for male vampires, and getting injured in them with a holy weapon is as bad as getting hit in the heart or head.
  • Half-Human Hybrid: Hitler is part snake ala Orochimaru. He mentions that he was turned into this, but the reason how is never explained.
  • Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today? Pulled off by the narrator in saying he doesn't find Carl's naked butt attractive.
  • Hell: There's four of them, actually. Red Hell, Purple Hell, Gray Hell, and Black Hell.
  • High-Altitude Battle: The second half of the fight against Major alone.
  • Hilariously Abusive Childhood: Chapter 5 reveals that young Alucard was apparantly punched so hard by his older brother that he flew across an ocean. To add insult to injury, said older brother causes his phone to explode.
  • Hypocritical Humor: The end of chapter 7. Zorin and Rip are basically allowed to have a foursome with Carl and Seras, but when one of the Millennium's soldiers asks to join right after, Zorin slices him in half.
  • I Am Not Shazam: Invoked. Ichigo is referred to as "Bleech."
  • Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: The fates of Major and Heinkel.
  • Inherited Illiteracy Title: The last two words are mispelled. The first one isn't the correct word for the general series, but it is in the HUC universe.
  • Interface Spoiler: The title of chapter 12 reveals that Hitler will be fought at some point. It doesn't say that he's the Big Bad, but considering how his identity was kept secret until the end of chapter 11 it's still something of a big deal. It's also hard to notice unless the reader doesn't use the drop down menu to navigate chapters.
  • Killed Off for Real: Everyone who died. Except Jan (he has one fakeout (not counting when he jumped out of a three-story window), then dies for real on his next appearance) and technically the Captain.
  • Large Ham:
    • Everyone has a point where they shout in all caps. Even unnamed characters. Rip avoids this until near the end of chapter 13.
    • Captain especially, in stark contrast to his counterpart in canon.
  • Late-Arrival Spoiler: Hellsing spoilers aside, the fan fic reveals that Eddy's brother is a jerk through an offhand remark in chapter 7. But at least the beginning AN warns about this.
  • Loads and Loads of Characters: The first four chapters only have the absolute central characters, but then side-characters such as Dracula, Homer Simpson, David Hasselhoff, and the jury in chapter 9 are introduced. Ed, Eddy, and Sonic of the jury even play a role in the aformentioned chapter (providing Hecksing with some rides), and all of them get a mention in the epilogue. Except Dracula and Wiggim.
  • Ms. Fanservice: Parodied with Rip. Seras used to have this role, but that pretty much ended on the same line it began (the notion that she had "nice boos.")
  • Musical Assassin: Carl, with his Sonic Wave Guitar.
  • My Car Hates Me: Fatal example. While on the Eagle battle against Jan, Alucard's tank stalls on him and prevents him from leaving before Jan's massive holy nuke attack. What makes things even worse, is that while Alucard dies, the vehicle he was in stays intact and will be used by Major as part of a weapon.

    General/Ulumate Crconikals — N to Z 

  • New Powers as the Plot Demands: Rip and Seras's "secondary abilities" as well as... most of what the Major does in chapter 11.
  • Nice Job Fixing It, Villain!: It's implied that Jan's Hostile Mission Takeover prevented the Millennium from controling Alucard. Although Alucard dies instead.
  • Nightmare Retardant: Invoked. This is a Hellsing fan fic meant to look like it was done by an over-energetic thirteen year old with little writting skills, so this is a given. It gets especially bad in chapters 6 and 7. For example, right after half of the Wild Geese are taken out, "are you next? are you next? ARE YOU NEXT?"
  • Not His Sled: The first season does some of this before things get more original. Anderson not only dies in the first chapter, but he's in a completely different organization, and "First Boss" belongs to that organization and not the Millennium. Then there's the whole "Integra and Flanders are somehow keeping a shield over London," and then there's Jan not only not being blown up by the Millennium, but fighting Alucard instead of Rip. In season two, we have Rip joining Zorin on the mission, and instead of one or both of them being killed after Seras awakes her powers, Carl simply invites all three of them to a foursome. They join Hecksing afterward.
  • Nuke 'em: What happens to Alucard. Sort of.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: It's highly implied that Rip is smarter than she seems in this fan fic. She leads Seras through in the Walter fight, and has knowledge of the author.
  • Oddly Small Organization: By the end of the fan fic, Hecksing only consists of Carl, Rip, Seras, a familiarized Captain (the first three have several other familiars but Captain's the only one that's willingly in), and some Pikmin. However, they have nothing on Heavensing, which only consists of three people.
  • Oh, Crap!: Walter has one such moment when Rip guides several bullets at him at once.
  • Once a Season: Rip's outfit becomes see-through.
  • One-Winged Angel: Somewhat literal version. Walter turns out to be a fallen angel, and reveals this form shortly after Rip appeared to have killed him. Too bad he gets ran over by Integra right after.
  • Only Sane Woman: Rip Van Winkle speaks clearly throughout the entirety of the fan fic. She also seems to be the only character aware of the author. No explanation is given on this.
  • Paper-Thin Disguise: In chapter two, Jan and Luke get past Hecksing Manor's gate guards by putting on Mario and Luigi masks. It works.
  • Parody Stu: Carl was supposed to be a parody, but Seras ends up filling that role if anything. An exception is Carl's introduction in chapter 3; he acts like a total jackass, but every chapter after he's wise and planning.
  • Plot-Triggering Death: Flanders' death. After that, the spell over the United Kingdoms of London goes down, letting the Millennium invade, kick starting the plot for the majority of the story. To a lesser extent, Anderson's as well, as his death leads to Flanders blindly charging to Alucard and promptly getting killed as a result.
  • Really 700 Years Old: Originally, as of chapter thirteen, Rip is no younger than one hundred. Except Dawn reveals that she was 616 years old back in World War II, making her really around seven hundred years old in the story proper and Distant Finale.
  • Recap Episode: The beginning of chapter ten.
  • Redemption Equals Death: Zorin but not Rip.
  • Redemption Equals Sex: Zorin and Rip.
  • Refuge in Audacity:
    • The first Ren and Stimpy clip. Basically, Stimpy uses semen in place of mayo as a sandwhich. Ren, unknowing of this at first, eats the sandwhich and compliments on it.
    • Pikmin Fan has said that the Ren and Stimpy show within the Crconikals series as a whole is supposed to run with this, shoving in so much "Getting Carp Past the Radar" that it actually becomes unbearable.
  • The Reveal: Master Chief's identity is revealed in the tenth chapter. He's Kamina.
  • Rouge Angles of Satin: Several. Perhaps one of the worst is "coitus" being used instead of "courtesey." Or the title of chapter 13, which is supposed to be "Conclusion," but it's "Concussion." Because of this, it sounds less like a Grand Finale to wrap things up and more like some "tragic" chapter where Carl gets a concussion or something.
  • Rule of Three: The fan fic mentions that Noah is "from a different anime" exactly three times: Once in chapter 1, once in chapter 3, and the last time at the end of chapter 13.
  • Running Gag: In the opening AN, "Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass [person who is relevant to the chapter, usually the Villain of the Week]. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!"
  • Sailor Earth: Parodied twice. The first example is Carl. The second is with the Orange Pikmin, which parody a fandom trend of making fan Pikmin each with an immunity to an element.
  • Scenery Censor: Carl's junk is "obscured" (this is a fan fic written entirley in text, so this isn't really necessary) by a laptop. A laptop which is explicitley stated as being "small." This doesn't really make any sense — even aside from the aformentioned fact that this is text only — by how "cansor bars" are used later on in the same chapter.
  • Self-Deprecation: The last chapter pokes fun at the author's own slow update rates; one of his fan fics (going by its former title), which in the HUCverse appears to be a show, is nominated, but the clip consists of "clip not ready yet" on a black screen.Note 
  • Sensible Heroes, Skimpy Villains: Compare Seras to Rip. Before the latter joins Hecksing, then it's pretty much even, if not inverted considering how Seras (and Rip and Carl) have been naked at least twice throughout the story.
  • Sequel Hook: Not one to HUC, though. The very end of the fan fic, even after the closing AN, has a short scene of who appears to be Girlfriend from the Eds' EDventure building a device capable of reviving Ed and Edd.
  • Sexy Discretion Shot: "Foursome censored this is vilent enoff i don't want it to go to M rating from T i men this was supposed to be K PLUS for kids for fucks sake!"
  • Shout-Out: Several.
  • Show Within a Show: A few, three of them have been seen within the fic. The first is Ren & Stimpy. The second is a Stylistic Suck (yes, even compared to HUC) series made by the Millennium. The third is one by John Egbert and Jade HarleyNote  and is loosely based off of their respective interests. (And Ed, Edd n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures.) Also, one of Pikmin Fan's other fan fics is also a series, but it was not seen as the clip of it wasn't ready yet.
  • Slippy-Slidey Ice World: Brazil.
    The Brazil is COLD and was snow lik chater 7 of Papar Mario. But there wax still lots of haff nakee chiks wat made Carl go "AOOGAQ!" but Ceres splapped him. god, ca npot a man hav fun? Ther also others preforming, like majishons.
  • Something Completely Different: Chapter 9 sticks out like a sore thumb from the rest of the series, being the only chapter that is neither the beginning nor the epilogue that's focused on a villain not part of the Millennium. In fact, Rip is the only (ex-)member of the group to appear, which is noteworthy considering how the previous chapter was about breaking into their base and even ended with Carl fending off against Jan again. It's also probably the most side-character heavy chapter aside from the epilogue. Word of God said that he liked the latter attribute, and stylized Housestuck's story flow so that most of it would have the same "sidequest" based plotlines as that.
  • Spared by the Adaptation:
    • Rip, in a rather glaring example. Detonation chips were ret-conned out of this fan fic. So, instead of being blown up, Jan leaps out of the mansion and survives a three story fall. He then proceeds to trick Rip off of her original mission through Rip having an Idiot Ball. Eventually, through a chain of events, Rip gets hired as part of Hecksing and avoids death several times.
    • Jan subverts this. Twice. He survives the Valentine invasion, only to seemingly be killed off in the aircraft fight. Chapter 8 reveals that he survived that, only for him to get killed by Carl.
    • Zorin Also subverts this, surviving the second manor invasion but dies in the following chapter.
    • This is inverted by, in order of their deaths: Pip, Alucard, and Integra. Seras is the only person to survive both Hellsing and this, since Rip and Captain were both dead and Carl didn't even exist.
  • Spoiler Title:
    • "A Shocking Twist" isn't as shocking if it's said outright that that's what's going to happen. Although the twist itself is still something of a surprise — Alucard's death!
    • Guess what happens in "Vs Hitler." Regardless of the context, anything with that title might raise eyebrows.
  • Spotlight-Stealing Squad:
    • Carl becomes worse in this as the story goes on. In the first two chapters, he's not even introduced or even hinted at existing save for the closing notes at the end of the second one. Then in the two after that, he's on the backseat as Alucard and Seras get more focus than him. After Alucard dies and Integra leaves to find a replacement for him, he's suddenly shot into front-seat during the invasion arc/season two, and from then on out he just gets more focus and does more of the plot-related actions as it goes on.
    • Rip tends to hijack some of the screentime, clearly being established as the wisest Hecksing member (despite originally being the dumbest Millennium member, however it's revealed in Housestuck that this was because she was merely pretending to be an idiot in hopes of getting fired) and being in several scenes even when she does almost nothing that matters in them. It doesn't help that the author openly admitted to liking her.
  • The Stations of the Canon: Played annoyingly straight for the first three chapters, with little variations such as Anderson dying in chapter one and Jan getting spared the next chapter, but during chapter four, Jan goes on the Eagle invasion instead of Rip, which leads to Alucard's death.
  • Stealth Pun:
    • In chapter 7, Zorin attempts to look into Carl's memories, but gets Squicked out by all the sex. She borrowed Carl's brains and was like, "Dude, can't handle it! Unplug this bastard!"
    • Carl Steven's name. Carl is based on Charlie Sheen or — his real name — Carlos Irwin Estévez.
  • Stripperiffic: Rip as well the the Brazilian "chiks" [sic].
  • Stylistic Suck: The spelling, grammar, and organization actually gets better as the fic goes on, an inversion of a common Troll Fic trend, but it's still pretty bad. Also of note, the shows within the fan fic:
    • Arguably worse than HUC is the Show Within a Show by the Millennium. From what was shown, the humor consists entirley of "Hahaha Nazis are racist" and "Family Guy sucks."
    • What little has been seen of John and Jade's show pretty much ammounts to a jab at one of the mechanics of Ed, Edd n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures. And an All Men Are Perverts joke.
    • Ren and Stimpy's clips consist of a disturbing grossout joke and a Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff reference. Housestuck reveals a third clip that consists mainly of using shock value for humor.
  • Subverted Kids Show: Their world's version of Ren and Stimpy. It may still be a children's show in-universe (with it being featured on a kid's award show), but it features at least a blatant semen joke, Stimpy saying "fuck" uncensored, and (only seen in Housestuck) visible brains oozing out of Stimpy's nose.
  • Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Three examples. Carl to Pip (especially given that the former's introduction is him accidentally killing the latter), Master Chief/Kamina to Alucard (Integra flat-out said that she wanted to hire someone to replace Alucard after his death), and Quimby to Integra.
  • Suspiciously Specific Denial: In chapter 2, when Walter mentions that he saw Jan and Luke, he immediatley tells Integra that he has no connections with the group they're from at all. And again in chapter 3, when he says he searched the Millennium, he says that he is not a part of them.
  • Take That!:
    • At one point, the fan fic compares Seras/Carl to Courtney/Duncan, and is implied to be compared to other pairings that go in a related way, a jab at those kinds of couples.
    • A few directed to The Simpsons:
      • The very beginning says that "Fakebook" is not unlike a joke from the Simpsons, a comment on said show's debatable overuse of We're Still Relevant, Dammit! and their Shallow Parodies.
      • A later chapter mocks Simpsons again — only this time in general — by portraying Homer as a powerful, brain eating giant who was once a normal man.
      • And Dawn has this exchange in chapter 2:
        Nude Egyptain: There was a giant brainwave that made us all dumb.
        Walter: How dumb? Can I talk to you.
        Walter: OH FUCK! Alucard this is very servere!
    • There's jabs at Twilight, although that's really more of a take that towards people who mock Twilight and other popular culture just to look cool. So, in essense, it's a take that at take thats.
    • The story as a whole starts out as a parody of badly written Total Drama fan fics. Later chapters still carry (unintentional) elements of this, though not nearly as much.
    • The fourth chapter of Dawn as a whole is a Take That! to Superman 64, what with the whole "Lex Luthor himself 'trapping' people in a virtual reality world" angle. The fact that the game itself is in a demo state may also be tied with Superman 64 itself being an Obvious Beta.
  • Talking Is a Free Action: Pip shouts, "NO SOME FALING ON ME HOW WILL EXCAPE?" before he gets crushed by Carl's spaceship.
  • Tank Goodness: Alucard's tank. It can also fly, but only if you can get a liftoff.
  • Teeny Weenie: Carl, albeit through a "mistake" in the writing. His penis can be "censored" by a small laptop.
  • Testosterone Poisoning:
    • Just about everything after Alucard's death, where the fan fic pretty much stops pretending it has a plot and turns into "Let's kill the Nazis!" Carl especially is a bad offender.
    • Carl's route near the end of chapter 8 deserves special mention. He and the Master Chief are chasing a flying werewolf carrying the president, and eventually the Chief shoots said werewolf casually. Then a giant David Hasselhoff comes out of nowhere to give them a ride back to London, and on this ride they are attacked by Jan, who has a robotic arm with rocket jets and poison swords. By the way, Jan uses said robo-arm to lift off a quarter of a blown up aircraft carrier.
    • To a lesser extent, the stuff Alucard does could count as well. His bullets are described as shooting guns. It could easily be a typo and the faux-author meant the other way around, but Rip and Seras's abilities question this.
  • They Plotted a Perfectly Good Waste:
    • Alucard summoning his familiars only to die for real right after.
    • Walter's fallen angel form when he gets ran over before he can do anything.
    • Hitler making a mass army of demons only to never use them in his short fight.
  • 13 Is Unlucky: There's thirteen chapters, and the fan fic both begun and ended on a 13th.note 
  • Title Drop: Integra says the title name of chapter 9 within that chapter.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Captain, who tells Carl and the Chief his one weakness.
  • Trailers Always Spoil: Downplayed. The title of chapter 4 as well as the preview last chapter give away that it will be a Wham Chapter, but there is absolutely no indication of what that wham is. Played straighter in the Tumblr post that accompanied the new version of chapter 4, which was Alucard's hat glasses, and part of his hair posted over an image of Kamina's death scene, another Decoy Protagonist that was Killed Off for Real. To hammer another nail to the coffin, the quote used for this chapter (that also links to it) is Alucard's last word(s).
  • Tsundere: Seras. Very, very little dere from chapter three onwards. It says a lot about this fan fic that she seems more Ax-Crazy than the Millennium.
  • 12-Episode Anime: Actually of the 13-episode variant. This has thirteen chapters, because 13 Is Unlucky.
  • Unexpected Genre Change: Each "season"note  has a vastly different tone to it. Season 1 is more of a Villain of the Week, kill-all-the-badguys type of adventure. Season 2 is focused mainly on a single battle and has more of a war series feel to it. Season 3 is similar to an action movie, and finally introduces a few more characters like Quimby. Season 4 is somewhat like a disaster movie parody, reverting back to its villain of the week ways. It doesn't help that previously major character in both canon and early in this fic Alucard dies at the end of season 1.
  • Vasquez Always Dies:
    • Out of Seras, Rip, and Zorin, guess who dies first after the latter two get into Hecksing. Or, is the only one to die.
    • And arguably Integra, though she isn't part of Carl's harem. Oddly....
  • Verbal Tic: Quimby begins every sentence with "er a um," Alucard talks like a stereotypical pirate and a "wise mentor," and Hitler talks like Eridan.Note 
  • Viewer Gender Confusion: In-universe in chapter 9, which is weird because the character in question is heavily implied to have a more feminine redesign, and was at the time wearing a (presumably) still see-through shirt and thong that should be small enough to rid any ambiguity:
    Sonic: Hop on dud!
    Rip: I'm a woman.
    Sonic: O SHIT!
  • Viewers Are Morons: Invoked:
  • Villain of the Week: Roughly. In order, we have:
    1. Anderson and Heavensing.
    2. Luke and Jan.
    3. Card Guy.
    4. Jan again.
    5. Zorin and Rip.
    6. Mutant Homer Simpson.
    7. Zorin and Rip again.
    8. A combination of Walter, Captain, and Jan again.
    9. Lawyer Guy.
    10. Doctor and the Titan Mecha.
    11. Major.
    12. Hitler.
    13. Section DCLXVI.
  • Walking Spoiler:
    • Hitler, on account of being the story's Bigger Bad and the reveal that he's the one responsible for Alucard's backstory.
    • It runs in the family. It's hard to say anything about Alucard himself without bringing up or even hinting that he dies a third of the way into the story, and his death was the titular "Shocking Twist!" of chapter 4.
    • The Master Chief. His addition to Hecksing (or specifically, the reason for it) spoils the fact that Alucard has died, he's generally an Unexpected Character, his "identity" as actually being Kamina was supposed to be a surprise (because very little was done with him being Kamina, it doesn't feel that way), and he is quickly offed just before the story's epilogue.
    • Jan is the first character who doesn't die in the chapter corresponding with the OVA where he does, his fake arm is ret-conned to be related to Housestuck, and he's the guy who kills Alucard.
    • One character puts them all to shame: Rip Van Winkle. Right in her introduction is the joke that she of all people is the story's Ms. Fanservice, which was supposed to come off as a mild surprise. Oh, and she joins Hecksing halfway through the story. Then there's her backstory in Housestuck, which reveals that just about everything she did under the Millennium was a use of Obfuscating Stupidity, in an attempt to get fired after an attack on the Harley manor made her feel guilty of her evil lifestyle.
  • We All Live in America: Parodied. "United Kingdoms of London," as well as it having a President (who is also a Mayor) instead of a Prime Minister. Also, to a lesser extent, it was assumed that the Grand Canyon was in Germany.
  • We Hardly Knew Ye: Pip. And to some extent, Sonic.
  • Webcomic Time: Chapters 1-12 take place within the span of one week.note 
  • Wham Episode: Parodied (and played straight, being the first time in the fan fic that the story truly derails and involving the death of Alucard) with chapter 4. It's even titled "A Shocking Twist!"
  • What Do You Mean, It's for Kids?: Parodied/invoked. The first chapter was supposedly rated K+note , which explains why Hellsing is called "Hecksing" and why Alucard cuts off Anderson from swearing. Eight chapters full of unfriendly deaths and (offscreen) sex later, and we have the Captain's "actor" telling kids not to pick up random mushrooms, something which should be obvious to anyone reading the fan fic.
  • What Happened to the Mouse?
    • Dracula is one of the very few characters left completely unnacounted for: He appears only once in a flashback explaining how Alucard became the way he is in the story, and as that was a flashback to World War I it wasn't not really known if he's even still alive in 2011, much less 2041. Housestuck at least confirms the former, as he's seen alive and well selling scrolls of fire, ice, and light to John and Jade.
    • Averted thanks to Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals: Chief Wiggim appears at the end of chapter 8 to arrest Integra as well as Seras and Rip (who were riding with her at the time) for speeding, however he never appears in the court room itself or gets a nod in the epilogue. Even what happens to him after he presumably sends the three to the court (which is paradoxically in another country) is unknown, since him taking them to the court not only happens off screen, but in between chapters. The aversion is how the fake-author openly aknowledges that they forgot to mention what happens to him, so he's killed off while transporting Seras, Rip, and Integra to the court room (his car being on auto-pilot is what takes them there), and in-fic the reason why he's not mentioned in the epilogue is because he's considered more of a HHC character than a HUC character. Even though John and Jade's final fates are spoiled in said epilogue.
  • What Measure Is a Non-Human?: Inverted. In chapter 10, an unspecified number of Quimby's soldiers are killed by the Titan Mecha, an action that's barely glossed over. That's not even factoring how Integra simply ignores the Millennium's mooks slaughtering London's population just because the sun will kill them hours later, two chapters ago. However, later in the same chapter (10, not 8), the story mentions that no Pikmin have died when Carl tries replicating Quimby's tactac, but with Pikmin instead of soldiers, and celebrates that. It clearly prioritizes the Pikmin's lives over the human's.
  • What the Hell, Hero?: Invoked. Integra stright up tells Hecksing not to bother taking out the Millennium's mooks simply because she thinks they're not as important as finding out about the "major" members' plans, and because they will die on sunrise. She pretty much just let the Millennium send over four hundred soldiers to attack a largly populated country just because she wanted to stop the source faster.
  • Wheel o' Feet: Alucard Vs Luke uses this when the former chases the latter, in a reference to Kung Fu Hustle. "They were so fast, they're feet like Sonic The Edgehog!"
  • "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue: Mid-chapter, too. Although it mostly focuses on the side characters.
    • Hecksing is also a band. And their Pikmin have replaced the Wild Geese/Hecksing Guards.
    • Homer Simpson has been reincarnated to Hank Hill, who later on started this universe's version of King of the Hill.
    • Naruto became Hokage.
    • Ichigo and Luffy continued whatever they were doing, but the author isn't sure since he hasn't watched the show. (A small case of Truth in Television.)
    • The Eds have started up a business.
    • Mega Man continues to battle evil robots, and has been accepted as a fighter in Super Smash Bros 4 (keep in mind that this was written before that was actually confirmed), ignoring how after thirty years there's only one installment released.
    • Sonic died. There's no given reason why; that sentence was, in fact, all his section said.
    • Cartman had joined one of the Hitler Revival Groups, but was killed by Hecksing some time after.
    • John and Jade had Opposite-Sex Clones of themselves created after a lab accident. They also run a show (a clip of which is seen briefly in Rip's award show), and have gotten married and had kids.
    • David Hasselhoff continues his job. He is one of the few characters to not die off, in an attempt to defy Harsher in Hindsight.
    • Noah's still from a different anime. That hasn't changed.
  • The Worf Effect: Numerous examples, including pretty much every time a hero dies:
    • Tucalcain "Dandy"/"Card Guy" Alhambra's cards blocking all of Alucard's bullets. Because in this fic, Alucard can apparantly only shoot things and lacks most of his other abilities, this makes their battle a stalemate... until Carl's sonic wave guitar blows the cards away with wind and kills Card Guy.
    • Alucard, after killing "First Boss," Anderson, Luke, Card Guy, and singing a brief musical number about it, getting blown up by Jan, killing him off for real. Carl later manages to take Jan out with next to no effort though.
    • Zorin is, according to Integra, one of the more elite members of the Millennium. After Walter reveals himself as a traitor and Zorin joins Hecksing, during their fight Walter manages to effortlessly kill Zorin by seeing past her illusions simply by consentrating (illusions being Zorin's main special ability) and takes her out in one hit.
    • Integra "I can stand in front of a colossal mutant Homer Simpson without fear (until discovering that I didn't bring any anti-mutant ammo)" Heck getting stabbed through the back by Lawyer Guy and dying.
    • Kamina having his life force drained by Hitler.
  • You Can't Thwart Stage One: Averted during chapter 8: Carl prevents the Millennium from traveling back in time and taking over the world, so they have to move to a last miniute backup plan.

    Hecksing: The Dawn 

  • Adaptational Villainy: The Flash, who for some reason (likely the fake-author's misconception) is an antagonist here working in line with Lex Luthor.
  • Already Met Everyone: It's revealed that Rip worked with Hecksing in the past during her Heel Face Revolving Door phase; downplayed in that Ulumate proper had a flashback showing that Alucard met Rip, but it never mentioned that she specifically would end up working with Hecksing a few decades later and conveniently quit right before the events of Ulumate. Also, Kamina worked with Hecksing too, just as Kamina rather than the Master Chief. His absense is explained by him wanting to be away from Integra's death. For some reason, Cortana is not mentioned in Ulumate despite being a key player in Dawn.
  • An Arm and a Leg: It's revealed that Alucard actually lost an arm and eye after Bro blew up his cell phone. He slowly gets them back over the course of the story after being a vampire and using his regenerative powers.
  • Anachronism Stew: The first chapter takes place from the beginning of World War I to the beginning of World War II, yet we have: a young Yumie playing Super Mario 64, Integra briefly being trapped in a 2015 Hummer, and references to a ton of crap that doesn't exist yet. See that quote under An Arm and a Leg? Vriska is an actual person in this story's universe, and she wasn't even born yet. To add insult to injury, Vriska's near-entire role is to invoke Demoted to Extra.
  • Antagonist Title: The first, third, and fifth chapters are named after one of the villains involved inside of them. The second and fourth are pretty much named after the weapons of said villains, or the effect in 2's case.
  • Chekhov's Gun: Despite being a badfic as with its (chronologic) sequel, there are a ton of little details that should be payed attention to. Including:
    • Alucard's peg-arm. It's hardly if ever mentioned in between him getting it and him launching it off to stab the Don.
    • The fact that the Katana Club's panic room's beer was shaken up from said room falling down into the depths of a cave.
    • A Call-Back from the original: Walter's "see without eyes no jutsu" just seemed like an invoked Ass Pull so that he could worf Zorin, except here it's often used as a regular technique by at least Walter himself and Integra to see through illusions.
  • Cowboy BeBop at His Computer: Invoked. The fake-author seems to think that Catwoman is part of the Superman franchise/in line in Lex Luthor, the Flash is a villain, and Mystique is part of DC comics at all.
  • Deus ex Machina:
    • In the end of chapter 2, Anderson jumps out of nowhere and saves Hecksing. Word of God admits that this was last-second planning.
    • Near the end of chapter 4, a giant computer monster thing is rampaging Laos. But it's stopped by Rip simply beating the virtual reality game it's attatched to, which causes the entire thing to first pause. That was part of the programming. What isn't is the fact that it crashes shortly after due to being a buggy beta/demo, and falls over.
  • Faux Action Girl:
    • Blondula is the only one of the Flunk-outs who has not been seen fighting to some extent. All she does is try to distract Walter in a similar manner to Rip's "charms" in Ulumate proper, yet that doesn't work and she eventually gets killed by him shortly after Integra kills Quarterback. Then again, as she is stated to just be a dumb blonde stereotype, and dumb blondes are generally not well known to be actiony characters or especially villains most of the time, it was probably intentional.
    • Catwoman, who gets water splashed on her by Kaitana, and because Cats Hate Water she is easily defeated. It's also never stated that the water is magic other than that Kaitana generated it, meaning that she can be defeated by splashing ordinary water on her.
  • Doomed by Canon:
    • Downplayed. On one hand, the characters in Ulumate Crconikals proper who are definitely going to die will not make it during the "present age" (though by the time the fic is out it's already still in the past by a few years), but on the other, it means that either they get to live to 2011 or they will be revived at some point beforehand.
    • Subverted with Kamina, Denise, Kaitana, Rip, and Cortana, where it seems like their absenses in Ulumate might be explained by Cortana, Kaitana, and Denise dying, with something odd happening in regards to Kamina and Rip's departures. But Kamina simply leaves for a few years because he can't stand being around the era where Yoko died, Rip just left Hecksing, got guilting into quitting villainy for real after the Harley-mansion fire incident, and the rest of them simply chose to retire from the organization for one reason or the other. Played straight with Kamina, as he's still slated to get killed in chapter 10 of Ulumate.
  • Full-Frontal Assault: Walter and Kenny in the final chapter. The Daughters all attempt this, but end up comming off as arousing to Kamina.
  • Idiosyncratic Episode Naming: All six of its chapters is titled "the" and something that sounds vaguely similar to "Dawn" that's related to it. (Starting with a "D" and ending with an "M" or "N" sound.) We have "the Don," "the Dumb," "the Den," "the Demo Run," "the Duon," and "the Done."
  • In Name Only: Far worse than the original Ulumate, as that started off following the plot of Hellsing pretty closely then took a sharp turn off the rails. This picks up from said derailment and plays along with what that derailing established, to the point where the narrator feels the need to remind the readers that this is still a Hellsing fan fic.
  • Load-Bearing Boss:
    • Justified in chapter 1. The pocket dimension made by the Don is kept stable thanks to his chakra molding it around. Once he dies, the orb its kept in falls into the river, and because of the water entering from the outside, the dimension is briefly flooded before it fades away.
    • Averted in chapter 4. Lex Luthor's real motions control the demo run of the game, and he acts as the final boss. When he's killed while people are still playing, the game still works, just that when they get to the boss they notice he isn't there and the flag is right there for taking.
  • Mr. Fanservice: Kamina, according to Cortana.
  • Naked People Are Funny: The final chapter has every single member of Hecksing (save Alucard), Kamina's 360 teammates, the 100 Daughters, and Kenny are all naked while they transverse the hot springs that were located by the base under a DMV.
  • Not Distracted by the Sexy:
    • In chapter 2, Blondula thinks she can distract Walter by flashing her boobs at him. He says it wouldn't work. She suggests flashing her crotch instead. He says it would work. He was lying about this though, and he ends up taking advantage of this to steal her pants and humiliate her when he later starts bonking her on the head.
    • Kamina and Kaitana fight off the Daughters/Finishers in the buff, 100 supposedly attractive women. Kamina is likewise not destracted by having over three hundred nude teammates join on the mission.
  • Perfectly Cromulent Word: Unlike Hecksing proper, this seems to make up words at times. Like "susperection" (a very unfortunate typo of "suspicion" that, for some reason, turned into "erection" partway through) in chapter 2.
  • Pocket Dimension: The Don can make them. Or at least, one.
  • Precision F-Strike: Alucard drops one when the 100 daughters all pull guns on Hecksing.
  • Serial Escalation: Rip's outfit gets progressively more revealing as the story goes on, leading up to how it is in Ulumate. Why this does this but not Ulumate is explained at the very end in that she only flips up her fashion every decade.
  • Title Drop: All title names have all been dropped. The first, third, and fifth are the name of the main villain or a major villain, whereas the second is the name of a machine used by the villains, but is also used to refer to Alucard himself, after getting hit by it. The fourth is one of the codenames of the game that Hecksing ends up playing. And finally, Integra mentions being "the Done" in the final chapter. Integra also says that the founding of Hecksing would be a new dawn.
  • Took a Level in Badass: Either inverted or played straight with Alucard, whether you're counting this as going from his HUC self to his HTD self or chronologically from his HTD self to his HUC self. Either way, Alucard starts off incredibly incompetant, and the villains of the week do, in fact, manage to put him in dangerous situations not unlike your typical action show. Then again, the HRGs here are shown to be a lot more competant — since Hecksing usually goes up against the entire group, their actions seem like they're on par with the Titan Mecha in HUC, as the leader is quicker to be involved and they throw out their bigger projects a lot faster.
  • Villain Ball:
    • The Don could have very easily wiped out the entirety of Hecksing, as he's a borderline Reality Warper who can knock out all three of them and at least immobilize them. But then his stupid "elaborate deaths" and his idea of try to hook up Alucard and Walter with his 100 daughters blows it.
    • Red Neckbreaker was the only Flunk-out who ever came across the idea to use the Dumb on Hecksing. And even then, he only uses a portable variant, and only on Alucard himself, who is already possibly the least intellegent (or at least the least well-focused) member.
  • Villain: Exit, Stage Left: On the attack on the Katana Gang, Hecksing encounters Yumie, who freezes herself for a future HRG to unfreeze her later. (Or after 10,000 years past.) This unfreezing is implied to happen sometime around Ulumate' first twelve chapters, since she's faced off in said work's thirteenth chapter and Distant Finale.
  • Villain of the Week: Unlike Ulumate, the villains are entire Hitler Revival Groups.
    1. The Don, leader of the Mafiamights.
    2. The Flunk-outs. Its leader is Red Neckbreaker, although Nuke is more like the real villain since Red dies first and he's the one who kind of outlasts them.
    3. The Sol. As with the Flunk-outs, the supposed leader Den gets killed first.
    4. Lex Luthor. Actually the Demos, who hijack the plot from Lex's team after all but one of them are dead.
    5. The Akatsuki, but then Duon/Blueon/Pinkon hijacks the plot from them
    6. After fakeouts with Kenny and seemingly leading to a naked fight with the Daugters, it's ultimately revealed to be Anderson.
  • Win to Exit: Non-game example: The Don makes "invisible" walls in his pocket dimension that prevent Hecksing from leaving. They have to kill him for him to free them from the dimension.


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