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Fanfic / Harry Potter and the Something Something

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"Our story begins, as so many stories tend to do, during the summer between Fifth and Sixth Year. This is most likely due to popular consensus saying that this was about the point where the series started to suck, and therefore makes it the most appropriate time to diverge from canon. Or it could be because all the important characters are now at a fairly acceptable age to start having sex. One or the other."
– The opening paragraph, setting the tone right away

Harry Potter and the Something Something is a Harry Potter mockfic by Legendary Legacy hosted on FanFiction.Net, aiming to mock most Harry Potter fanfiction clichés.

One summer day Harry wakes up, but something seems wrong... Namely, someone has tied him to the bed with an enormous length of chain. So begins the tale, where Harry seems to have wandered into a strange reality; where Draco's a veela in love with him, the Dursleys are worse than Voldemort, his best friends are "a couple of greedy, jealous, power-hungry, self-serving, backstabbing gits", and Dumbledore's a villain with a broken Inner Monologue.

Also, people keep bothering the Dark Lord for some reason.

Harry Potter and the Something Something provides examples of:

  • Alcohol-Induced Idiocy: Apparently, the reason Sirius, Lily, and James each made a marriage contract for Harry was that they were drunk.
  • Brick Joke: Chapter 10 reveals that Ron is stuck partnering with Neville because all of Neville's supplies are doing 25 to life in Azkaban for premeditated murder. Neville's trunk was seen being put in its cell at the end of Chapter 5.
  • But I Can't Be Pregnant!: Harry gains an Unwanted Harem, including OC Stand Ins Su Li and Blaise Zabini. Everyone refuses to believe that Zabini, commonly assumed in Fanon to be a girl pre-Half-Blood Prince, is in fact a boy. When Dumbledore spikes the harem's drinks with some sort of pregnancy spell, Zabini just looks at his several discarded drinks in utter horror.
    Dumbledore: (happily) Oh my, triplets for Ms. Zabini.
  • Chekhov's Gunman: After pretty much disappearing from the story after Chapter 3, Tracey Davis is made the leader of Hogwarts' forces at the very end of Chapter 10.
  • Did I Just Say That Out Loud?: Dumbledore speaks out loud whenever he tries to think quietly about his evil plans. Fortunately for him, Harry just ignores him.
    Perhaps this is for the best. Harry could work out much better for my master plan than Daniel, anyway. After spending his whole life abused and unloved, his need for attention and affection will have him following my every word without question. It's perfect!
    Dumbledore: That wasn't out loud again, was it?
    McGonagall: It was, Albus.
  • Don't Like? Don't Read!: Parodied, of course, in the first chapter's header.
    Don't like? Read anyway. And then bitch to me about it when you're done. It's not like you have anything better to do with your time, right?
  • Dream Sequence: After Sirius' will is conducted while Harry was in jail (for about 15 minutes), Dumbledore informs Harry that he now has 4 wives, one of whom is clearly male. His brain shuts down and falls into oblivion, and the narration starts describing a dream sequence. Harry, having enough, interrupts and tells it to stop ruining his unconsciousness.
    All right, all right, fine! Just don't complain to me when tragedy strikes and you're not prepared to prevent it!
    Harry sighed happily, and snuggled back into the now truly completely normal oblivion.
  • Fanon Discontinuity: invoked Referenced in the opening paragraph: Most fan fic seems to split off somewhere between the fifth and sixth books, due to popular consensus that this was when the series started to suck (or because most of the characters would be at an acceptable age to start having sex).
  • Gender Bender: Are you really surprised?
  • Hilariously Abusive Childhood: As part of the parody, Harry's parents may not be dead... but instead only love Daniel, who they think is the real boy who lived, and completely ignore Harry. Until Daniel dies and everyone realises Harry is the true Boy Who Lived, at which point the mother suddenly puts all the blame on the dad. The Dursleys' abuse is also exaggerated.
    "I don't know, Uncle Vernon. I mean, you're already allowing me only the barest minimal necessities for keeping me alive. You're also beating me on a four times a day basis, five times on Saturday since it's your day off, plus the beatings that Dudley and his friends give me whenever they feel like it. Also, I've never been allowed to properly tend to any of the wounds I've received from those beatings, so my body's probably heavily infected in multiple places right now. You killed my owl and then forced me to cook her for your supper, and then beat me because she was too salty. I could honestly die any day now of starvation, dehydration, overexertion, or a combination of all three. The jury's still out on whether or not I've contracted cancer from that toxic waste you dumped on me the other day, and let's not forget that I'm also mentally scarred, not just from all the verbal abuse I take from you three, but also from seeing my godfather, the last remaining family I have that cared about me even the slightest bit, killed right in front of me not so long ago. I can honestly say that my life sucks about as hard as is metaphorically possible already and, off the top of my head, can't think of a single way that you could make it worse short of murdering the rest of my friends in front of me."

    Vernon thought about that for a moment, making a mental note to return that toxic waste barrel to the dump before Dudley started eating it. There had to be something he could do to further torment the boy. What else did he have to live for if he couldn't fulfill such sadistic pleasures anymore?

    Then an idea came to him. "Well, what if I were to violate you sexually?"

    "...Well, there you go: that would do it," Harry said with a firm certainty.
  • I Know Mortal Kombat: The common fan declaration that Ron's chess skills in the first book mark him as a potential master tactician gets a bit of ribbing where Ron claims he should be a commander because of it. Harry, needless to say, points out that being good at chess has little to do with being a good commander.
  • Inner Monologue: Dumbledore tries to do have some, but he keeps speaking aloud.
  • Love Potion: Ginny tries to give one to Harry (disguised as a butterbeer) when she finds out that he's really the Boy Who Lived. Before that, she uses one on him as a test before she uses on Daniel; unfortunately, the harpy's blood in the potion had to be Type A Positive lest the subject be poisoned instead.
  • Ludicrous Gibs: The result of Daniel being hit by a runaway trunk and thrown onto the rails just as the Hogwarts Express arrives.
  • Luke, I Am Your Father:
    • Hermione turns out to be the lovechild of Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange.
    • Harry somehow turns out to be Snape's daughter.
  • Man, I Feel Like a Woman: Hilariously, Harry's reflection gets wolfish after the Gender Bender, while Harry herself is simply annoyed, both at the transformation and the reflection's antics. And then, of course, Harry gets over it and can't look away from herself long enough to listen to Hermione's explanations.
  • Oh, My Gods!: Harry occasionally swears by famous witches and wizards. ("NO! Glinda the Good Witch, NO!")
  • Only Sane Man:
    • Harry, who seems to have been living in the canonical Harry Potter world until the start of the story. The various background characters also tend to act with a fair amount of sanity. Hilariously, this includes Luna.
    • To a lesser degree, McGonagall.
  • Parental Abandonment: Lily and James abandoned Harry after Daniel defeated Voldemort when they were babies, because they decided that they only had enough love for one child and Harry didn't deserve it. Harry suddenly realises that maybe the Dursleys (well, Aunt Petunia) weren't so bad after all.
  • Parody: The whole thing is a parody of Potter fan fic clichés, but one specific parody is taken at "100 Ways to Annoy Voldemort" lists by a fictional xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx. Voldemort proceeds to torture her to death.
  • Parody Sue: The most perfect girl ever appears in Voldemort's lair, offering him a shot at redemption. Voldemort is entranced by her pretty eyes... the Sue ends up dead like all the others, but Voldemort kept her pretty eyes to play with.
  • Replacement Goldfish: In the second chapter, Harry gets a new owl to replace Hedwig, who died in chapter 1. He names the new owl Hedwig, "to avoid any confusion".
  • Running Gag: With a few exceptions, every male OC is Daniel, and every female OC is Emma.
    • Harry’s reply of "What?" and "Oh. I thought you said something else" whenever a character says something OOC and inappropriate.
  • Spit Take: Dumbledore spikes Harry's Unwanted Harem with some sort of pregnancy spell. They spew in unison.
  • Stupid Evil: On top of being harebrained and pointlessly evil, it's hard to imagine how any of Dumbledore's schemes could benefit him.
  • Take That!: Being a mockfic, the series insults many cliches.
    • One character with the mysterious name of "xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx" ends up being tortured to death when she tries to test out her list of One Hundred Ways to Totally Annoy Dark Lords on Voldemort.
      xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx: Number 1: Calling you things that sound like your name, but are actually hilarious insults. For example: things like 'Voldywarts', or 'Moldyshorts', or-
      Voldemort: Crucio.
    • Ebony from My Immortal also winds up on Voldemort's doorstep. He's... less than happy to see her.
      "Hello, my naame iz Enoby-"
      The girl stared down at the gaping hole in her torso where her vital organs used to be, then back up at him. "Whatev. Ur juts a dum prep anywayz." Then she collapsed in a dead heap.
      Voldemort then set fire to the body, then cast a strong wind spell to scatter the ashes far and away, and went back inside.
    • Dumbledore's tendency to receive the Ron the Death Eater treatment in certain fics is lampooned by way of his portrayal here as a blatantly evil Card-Carrying Villain who can't keep his wicked thoughts to himself.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Dudley Dursley, apparently. At one point Vernon makes a mental note to get rid of a barrel of toxic waste before Dudley starts eating its contents.
  • Unusual Euphemism:
    Snape: Not too long after we graduated from Hogwarts, I realized what a fool I'd been in letting Lily leave me on such horrible terms. I managed to seek her out before she and James went into hiding, and I convinced her to forgive me.
    Harry: Lovely.
    Snape: Then she forgave me again the next morning.
    Harry: Dude.
    Snape: Twice.
  • Unusually Uninteresting Sight: Harry is far more interested in the fact that he just noticed the Hogwarts Express doesn't actually have a conductor than the fact that Daniel just got killed by the train, spraying gore all over the platform. He's especially curious as to how a magical train with no conductor is somehow late.
  • Unwanted Harem: Harry has one forced on him, including a boy, a generic O.C. Stand-in, and many more.
  • Visible Silence: Parodied.
    "..." Voldemort ...'ed.
  • A Wizard Did It: Somehow Harry's twin Daniel is the direct descendant of the four Hogwarts Founders, as well as Merlin, Morgana, Baba Yaga, the Scarlet Witch and the Witch of Endor.note  The explanation why Harry isn't also a direct descendant? This trope is cited.
    • Whenever the major plot holes, contradictions, or just plain bad science comes up, the answer is always simply "Magic!"
    "Magic, Harry. Magic."
  • Who's on First?: At one point, Dumbledore trolls McGonagall by pretending not to know whom she's talking about when using Voldemort's aliases.
    McGonagall: If You-Know-Who really is attacking-
    Dumbledore: Who?
    McGonagall: You-Know-Who.
    Dumbledore: I do?

    Dumbledore: Right then. What were we talking about before that?
    McGonagall: You-Know-Who.
    Dumbledore: I do?
    McGonagall: Damnit, Albus!