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Fanfic / Go Away I'm Watching Porn

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Yeah well, funny thing about hurting others is that you don't need intention to pull it off. If anything, not intending it makes it worse. Odd how everyone conveniently keeps on forgetting that bit.
Issei Hyoudou

Issei Hyoudou is the Sekiryutei. Not many people knew how powerful he is, or what he's done. And he's perfectly fine with that. He's done with people. All he wants to do is sit back, relax, and watch porn without being bothered by school or homework or devils or fallen angels or annoying conspiracies and why the hell won't they just leave him alone already!


Go Away I'm Watching Porn is an ongoing High School D×D Fanfic written by Third Fang, author of the Naruto Doorstopper, Yet again, with a little extra help, its sequel, Take Two, Round Two, and one of the most popular Fate/stay night fics on FanFiction.Net, From Fake Dreams. While not apparent on initial read, Word of God is that this is a Stealth Prequel to YAWALEH.

Go Away I'm Watching Porn follows Issei Hyoudou, the current possessor of the Boosted Gear, isolating himself at his home as a hikikomori. He's had it with dealing with the Supernatural World and just wants to sit at home, watch porn, and work on finishing custom orders for sex products. Frustratingly for him however, his mother Asami and old "friend" Azazel want him to finally get out of the house and go to Kuoh Academy. Beneath all this though, a underlying threat is on the rise as the cause of Issei's current state is slowly revealed, ready to return.


Needs Wiki Magic Love

Go Away I'm Watching Porn provides examples of:

  • Adaptational Heroism:
    • Raynare is assigned by Azazel to be Issei's attendant this time around, and when Dohnaseek tries to get her involved with capturing Asia, she turns him down.
    • Vali is friends with Issei this time around rather than having just a Friendly Rivalry. They were Childhood Friends to be specific, with young Issei initially being harassed by Vali for fights. If Issei is to be believed, Vali is not truly with the Khaos Brigade either, and the two have some form of arrangement with The Alliance.
    • Kuroka so far is just a Stray Devil, and only because Sirzechs has no way of pardoning her for killing her former master. According to Issei, she's a frequent customer and house guest of his, and settles for spying on Koneko rather than outright attempting to kidnap her.
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  • Adaptational Nationality: Downplayed. In canon, Saji is pure Japanese. Here, his Grandfather was a Jewish businessman who married into the family, hence his naturally blond hair.
  • The Alliance: The three biblical factions all formed an alliance years before the story began after learning about Issei. Each of the higher ranking members feels responsible for his rampage and grief over the once-cheerful boy now reduced to a Hikikomori.
  • Ascended Extra: Several characters that were originally minor gain increased prominence here.
    • Raynare goes from the series' Starter Villain to one of the main characters, thanks in part to her role as Issei's aide and Kuoh's Grigori representative. She's also the only one of her would-have-been team to survive.
    • Sona goes from a supporting character to one of the mains, thanks to Issei's presence causing upheaval at the school and the idea of something going on in her and Rias' territory.
  • Broken Bird: A lot of the characters maintain their Dark and Troubled Past from canon, in addition to Issei's own. Issei himself has a soft spot for them, though only if they're honest with themselves and others.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: Issei effortlessly butchers everyone in the Fallen church in a murderous rage, including the three Fallen themselves, after they attack and nearly kill his mother and Raynare and kidnap Asia. Followed by immediately flooring Diodora Astaroth and his peerage, who were skulking in the shadows afterward.
  • Dark and Troubled Past: One of the main mysteries of the story is the cause of Issei becoming a Hikikomori, though from what is known, it wasn't pretty. In essence, Issei was betrayed and raped by someone close to him known as "White", who simultaneously tried to kill him to then reincarnate him into her peerage. After that failed, he was then made out to be the criminal, twisting the story to her favor. Those close to him that knew the truth either abandoned him after she went after them or sided with her outright. While The Alliance wanted to help Issei and stop her, she was untouchable lest they risk reigniting the war. Issei then fell into depression and began blaming himself, culminating in him going berserk in the underworld. The Maou and Azazel fought to restrain him, before teleporting him somewhere and Michael joining them soon after. They managed to stop him but were scarred in the process (note ), the public believing the Sekiryutei was killed. Immediately after, the dragon population in the underworld revolted and rampaged, leaving half of the underworld destroyed beyond recognition, and the other half engulfed in flames for weeks. All of which combined to leave Issei a Broken Ace, and caused him to withdraw for years. His relations with the leaders soured, the closest one being with Azazel, with even that one heavily strained at best. Both Issei and the leaders believe White is still out there, and will not stop until she has Issei for herself.
  • The Dreaded:
    • Ophis. The three factions are all terrified of her for good reason, but Issei is especially terrified of her... specifically if out of brownies.
    • The Sekiryutei himself to the Biblical factions. Aside from the factions heads and a select few members like Raynare, the factions believe the Sekiryutei to have died years ago during his rampage in the underworld at the hands of the heads. Most remember him as a monster that necessitated all three faction heads to work together to stop him.
    • On a more humorous note, Issei is terrified of several individuals amidst the protagonists for the most random of reasons.
      • Most notably is Asia, as he is horrified of the potential she has as a Ninja Puppy, along with the fact she is so far one of the few people capable of touching him without warning. His fear of her is so great he's resorted to climbing in and out of windows just to avoid her, and taking the long routes out of paranoia that she'll expect them to take the normal routes.
        Issei: EVIL!
        Sona: Are you certain the nun merely hugged him last night?
        Issei: EVIL HUG!
      • Ruruko managed to scare him after he insulted her stockings enough times she attempted to kill him. Repeatedly.
      • Sona joined the list after he pushed her too far during training and she threatened to kill him.
      • Tiamat, the Chaos Karma Dragon, due to a Noodle Incident when Issei was ten that ended with them engaged. Just mentioning her around Issei sends him into a panic.
  • Foregone Conclusion: As this is a Stealth Prequel to Yet again, with a little extra help:
    • Due to being The Mentor there as well, Ghost will be freed from Blind Eternity without killing Issei.
    • As Issei himself is one of the Family members responsible for training Naruto in the Time Skip, he will join the Family. And as it's mentioned he does have a massive Harem of women there, he will both regain and accomplish his dream of becoming a Harem King.
  • In Spite of a Nail: Despite all the changes to the setting, the group of Fallen and former exorcists still go through with their plan to kidnap Asia, and still get wiped out to the last. The only difference is that Raynare was not among them.
  • Jigsaw Puzzle Plot: The exact nature of the plot is shrouded in mystery due to the Gambit Pile Up existing between The Alliance, the Khaos Brigade, an unknown third party responsible for Issei's Dark and Troubled Past, and an unwilling Issei. As more and more hints are dropped as to what each group is planning and what exactly Issei's past entails, more questions are raised for both the characters and readers.
    Rias: (thinking) It just didn't make sense. She was missing far too many pieces to the puzzle.
  • The Nicknamer: Issei has a habit of giving everyone but a select few nicknames. According to Asami, Issei does this because he has trouble remembering their names otherwise, and that the nicknames all have some level of basis behind them.
    • Raynare: Cougar.note 
    • Sona: Enabler.note  Hers is the only one the others have a hard time understanding.
    • Rias: Weeaboo/Weeb.note  When she found out what it meant, she wasn't amused. Akeno, however, was.
    • Akeno he calls Yandere, and Kiba he calls Man-slave.note 
    • Koneko: Jail-bait.note 
    • Gasper: Dio Brando. Issei is thoroughly convinced that if Gasper becomes manlier, he will have unleashed evil upon the world.
      Issei: Your Bishop, is a blonde, effeminate, male vampire that can STOP TIME. Your Bishop, is fucking Dio Brando.
    • Asia: Ninja Puppy.note 
    • Saji: Runt.note 
    • Ruruko he at first called Asian Pipi Longstockings, only for her to try and give him a concussion. He changed it to Stalker-stockings after learning about how she joined Sona's peerage,note  causing her to try and murder him after she noticed it could be shortened to S.S.
    • Most of the faction leaders have simpler names: Zaz (Azazel), Zechs (Sirzechs), Sera (Serafall), etc. Some are different, though.
      • Due to his lack of understanding of the English language, Issei first called Michael Michelangelo, then began calling him all four TMNT at random. By the time he learned English fully, it became a habit and Michael gave up correcting him.
      • Baraqiel he calls Flat-Head Sensei.note 
      • Falbium he calls The Bum.note 
    • Similar to the faction leaders, he calls Kuroka something simpler: Kuro.
    • The one responsible for his Dark and Troubled Past, he used to call White. note 
  • Outside Context Magic: Presence, an ability used primarily by dimension jumpers, was taught to Issei by Ghost. While normally he can control it, if he enters a Heroic BSoD it starts to flare wildly. No one else, not even the heads of The Alliance, really knows what Presence is, outside of the bare basics. There is suspicion that Issei did teach Presence to the only two people he considers friends, though they refuse to comment on whether or not it's true.
  • Pop-Cultured Badass: Related to Adaptational Nationality above, Saji's part-Jewish heritage resulted in him becoming quite familiar with his grandfather's collection of (in his words) the "old school Jewish comedians... the Stooges, Marx, Brooks, Myers, etc."
  • Put on a Bus: While Ghost is the Catalyst behind the divergence from Canon, after Issei's rampage in the underworld, the Sacred Gear that holds him, "Blind Eternity", has been sealed away, leaving Ghost out of the story outside of the Flashback segments.
  • Related in the Adaptation:
    • In canon, Raynare and Akeno are entirely unrelated. Here, Raynare is Akeno's distant cousin by virtue of Baraqiel.
    • In canon, the incident that prevented Baraqiel from saving Shuri and defending Akeno was only implied to be related to a mission Azazel had him on. Here, it was a young Issei being trained by Baraqiel and having kept Baraqiel over after getting excited at meeting Akeno. Neither Akeno nor Issei are aware they were nearly Childhood Friends, in Issei's case due to his obsession with trying to track the then-missing Akeno down being detrimental to his health, leading to Azazel, Ghost, and Ddraig altering his memories to spare him from the grief.
    • In canon, Issei and Kuroka first met when she came to try and take Koneko with her. Here, they first met at a Magic Seminar she was lecturing at, and Kuroka came to Issei as a kid when she was knocking on Death's door, leading to him healing her. Sirzechs was told the real story behind her murder of the Naberius master, but the best he could do was promise that Koneko would be spared and cared for, leading to Rias taking charge of her.
  • Shout-Out: Plenty thanks to Issei and Gasper being well versed in Otaku culture.
    • Gasper himself is referred to as Dio Brando by Issei, due to both being, in his own words, blond, effeminate, male vampires that can stop time.
    • After learning Kiba's abilities to create swords, he calls him Shirou Emiya, and orders him to play the game as training.
    • Seeing Ruruko's stockings for the first time caused Issei to label her "Asian Pipi Longstockings". She didn't like the comparison and tried to give him a concussion.
  • Stepford Smiler: Akeno and Kiba both maintain this status from canon, something Issei immediately picks up on and detests about them. He points out to Rias just how bad they really are with their issues. Rias doesn't miss the hypocrisy in his words.
    Rias: "I'm not stupid Issei. Neither is Sona. The only reason why she hasn't figured it out yet is because she doesn't have as much experience dealing with trauma victims. You must have deduced yourself as well by now. My Peerage isn't exactly adjusted."
    It wasn't something she liked to admit. Akeno. Gasper. Kiba. Koneko. They were all damaged in one way or another. She had invited them into her home when they were at their weakest and most desperate. They were grateful, and did their best, but Rias couldn't lie. Not a single member under her was completely healed from their ordeals. They just hid it so well even they forgot about it.
    That was, until Issei came along, with the subtlety of a battering ram.
    It was understandable in a way. Issei hated and distrusted liars. People that lied to themselves were no different.
    It made her wonder, just how much did he hate himself?
  • Too Dumb to Live:
    • The Hero Faction. Cao Cao had intended for Jeanne and Heracles to recruit Issei to their group, expecting that doing so would be easy. Vali however put it best:
      Vali: Just because I pity you guys so much for going through with this, I'll give you a freebie about my rival. If there was one word to sum up Issei Hyoudou's ability with his Sacred Gear and his fighting style, it would be without a doubt, complete, and utter... bullshit.
    • Raynare chose to act sadistic while Issei was beating himself up over unknowingly putting too much pressure on Koneko, just as he was looking for an outlet for his anger. The result was him chasing her all over the field with two magically-enhanced dildos.
    • Vali himself was no better as a kid. He kept harassing Issei for a fight, then made the mistake of insulting harems. Issei's response was to hogtie him, stick a dildo in his mouth, tape other sex toys to his body, give him nerve damage, and leave him at Azazel's doorstep.
    • Literally, with Dohnaseek's team. Not only do they completely blow off Issei's warnings not to go after Asia, but they deliberately attack and critically injure Raynare and Issei's mother, thinking he'll be distracted by trying to heal them. Instead, Issei does just enough to stabilize the two and place them into stasis, then proceeds to hunt down and brutally murder the ones responsible.


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