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Fanfic / Cure Te Ipsum

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Cure Te Ipsum (from Latin "Heal thyself") is an Alternate Universe The Hobbit fanfic written in Russian by Гайя-А.

Just after the Battle of the Five Armies, an ambulance crew from a small Present Day provincial town gets transported to Middle-earth (along with the ambulance van). Before they even figure out what's going on, their knee-jerk reaction is to try and help the many, many wounded still lying on the battlefield, and soon enough, they find themselves immersed in the work of the hastily-constructed field hospital – and bonding with the locals.

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The fanfic contains examples of:

  • Ascended Fanboy: Sanya and Elya, longtime Tolkien fans, are over the moon when they realize they have ended up in Middle-earth.
  • Beauty Is Never Tarnished: Downplayed. The elfin medics manage to look gorgeous and remain clean (or maybe get cleaned up very quickly) in the morning after a whole day of patching up the Battle of the Five Armies' survivors; however, by the end of the next day, Lara notices even they look worn out.
  • Bilingual Bonus: Sometimes, in moments of agitation, Lara switches to Romani, her first language, but occasionally she does it to snark at the residents of Middle-earth. Although for some reason they understand Russian, the ambulance crew's main language (or rather they hear it as whatever Middle-earth language they speak themselves, only with a weird accent), they don't understand Romani. For the readers' benefit, the author put translations of Lara's Romani phrases in the chapter comments.
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  • Chekhov's News: Early in the epilogue, Lara listens to a news broadcast and hears a mention of mysterious animal tracks found in the town's vicinity. She dismisses it, but the tracks turn out to be from three wargs whom the dwarves had sent ahead while testing the portal to Earth.
  • The Clan: Lara and Bofur bond over, among other things, having a very, very large family.
  • Culture Clash: When Thorin gives Elya a new dress and jewels, she immediately thinks he does it to win her over. However, other dwarves explain that jewels are an empty gesture of politeness, while giving a lady a dress is a tactful way of saying you want her to stop flirting with you (as in, "I only want to see you clothed").
  • Elves VS Dwarves: Even among the medics, the elves and dwarves can't help squabbling over the smallest problems.
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  • Fantastically Indifferent: Justified. The ambulance crew adjust very quickly to getting transported to another world, but that's simply due to the fact that they are overwhelmed with work from the moment they land there, so they can't really stay in shock for long.
  • Fish out of Water: Three medics and an ambulance driver from a Russian provincial town – in Middle-earth.
  • Fix Fic: Thanks to the timely medical care, all characters from The Hobbit survive.
  • I Choose to Stay: After returning home for a few weeks, all the main characters (especially Lara, having fallen in love with Bofur) are miserable and decide to return to Middle-earth.
  • Interspecies Romance: Apart from the canon Kíli/Tauriel, there is also the romance between Lara (a human) and Bofur (a dwarf).
  • Lighter and Softer: Much more humorous and whimsical than canon.
  • Miss Conception: For all her battle skills, Tauriel is quite naive when it comes to conception. She has a Pregnancy Scare before she and Kíli even sleep together.
  • My God, You Are Serious!: At a fair, Lara teasingly asks Bofur to buy her a shawl. She knows that such a gift has romantic connotations in dwarf culture, but she only realizes how serious said romantic connotations are when Bofur's friends and relations start preparing for their wedding.
  • Ridiculously Photogenic: When Lara looks at the pictures taken in Middle-earth, she notices that Elrond and Thranduil managed to look like photographed celebrities, even though it's the first time photography is introduced to their world and the pictures aren't taken by a professional.
  • Sentimental Drunk: Thorin is a lot more friendly with everyone after he gets drunk at Kíli's wedding.
  • Skewed Priorities: On her first day of work, Elya's reaction when the ambulance is called to an old woman with blood pressure problems is "Oh, what a pity. Such a trifle". Her colleagues are appalled that she cares about getting an interesting case more than about people staying healthy.
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