Fanfic / Brewdening Love

True love, indeed.

"ok hello everyone I want to let you knwo that I'm the BIGGEST Twilight ever! I've read all the boks and seen da movie -OMFG isn't Cullin HAWT. So hot. ok now iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella1 Because shes a dirte bithc so i want you to see it and tel moi what you think!! So LOTS OF REVOWS PLZ! lov you God xoxoxoxo"

-The author's note at the beginning of the first chapter

Brewdening Love is an infamous The Twilight Saga fanfiction written by Erin Locklea, aka Erin of the Cullen Clan, and is another in the line of My Immortal-esque fanfics. It stars Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smithe and is absolutely filled with spelling errors.

The story begins with Joan walking into her English class and suddenly noticing a boy named Edward whom she thinks looks like a god. She attempts to flirt with him, but is ignored; she forgives Edward because he's incredibly "sex-ah" and decides that since he's so hot, she wants to date him.

Edward continues to ignore her and she continues to stalk him, going so far as to chase him into the school car lot with him screaming at her to go away. While she contemplates the horrid thought that maybe he doesn't like her, a bus appears out of nowhere and almost hits her. A mysterious somebody, who she thinks was Edward, saves her in the nick of time. She confronts him later and they magically fall in love.

From there, the fic follows their relationship as Joan encounters the rest of the Cullens, meets the problem vampire Jhams, and searches the entirety of Canada in twenty minutes. Damn, that Volvo is fast.

While the fic has been ousted off fanfiction.net for its shoddy writing, it can be read on DeviantArt here.

Now has an Expanded Universe — see here.

Brewdening Love contains examples of:

• Aborted Arc: Some of the chapters start off at completely different places than where the last ones began. This becomes more common in the later chapters.
  Erin: Blame the ducks hahah!1
• Abusive Parents: Joan's father... at least, according to Erin. He mostly comes off as stern (not wanting Joan to go to Edward's home -or viceversa- without telling him, or constantly telling Joan to go to school), and even reacts rather calmly when he finds out Joan has a boyfriend.
• Accidental Misnaming:
  • Oh so many times. Joan is called by her name almost as many times as she's been called Erin or Bella (who isn't even present in the story), or a pair of chapters where the names Erin, Joan and Jenny are mixed up. There's even a pair of author's notes where Erin calls herself Joan.
  • Fernando and Jacob, the gardeners, are mixed up several times as well.
• Adaptation Explanation Extrication: In Chapter 21, Victoria threatens to hurt Joan because of what happened to James. This is in reference to Eclipse, where Victoria wants to avenge James's death, but in this story, James is alive and well... meaning she has no actual motive.
• Aerith and Bob: A case in Chapter 30. On one side, you have Joan, Edward, Jacob, Rosalie, Becca, Jenny, Alice, Jasper, and Emmet. In the other side, you have... Skegs, Firebird, Halohead, Pussle, Coger McCloud, and Antispectacles, which not only sound odd for the name conventions of the story, let alone the original setting, but they are misspellings of the account names of people who criticized the story in previous chapters.
• Ascended Extra: Becca, seemingly a background character based on the author's friend, has been given a bigger role in the story.
• As the Good Book Says...: Erin tries to preach every biblical message she can think of and even called the first chapter "Genesis". Unfortunately, this leads to misinterpretation and even to her making up quotes that she uses to bash flamers.
• Author Tract: If there's something out there that goes against the Bible, Erin will go out of her way to say it's wrong.
• Back from the Dead: Emmett was killed, then revived... but if he's a vampire, isn't he already dead?
• Badass Preacher: The Pope is apparently Batman. It's outright stated that his Pope Mobile "is like the Bat Mobile but it's the Pope Mobile", and the Pope rescues the protagonists after Victoria kills Edward (then resurrects him), and then fights the vampires alongside Jesus.
• Breaking the Fourth Wall: Chapter 37 was almost entirely centered on killing off the Brian x Hugo fanbase. Also, the revenge chapters, which literally put the critics into the story so they can be killed.
• Comedic Sociopathy: When the Cullens are deciding how to deal with the traitorous Emmett back in Chapter 9, MC/Esme walks in with a batch of cookies.
• Comic-Book Adaptation: The gafic noval.
• Costume Porn: Even in the scenes where Joan is depressed, she feels the need to describe everything she's wearing.
• Crossover: In the spin-offs, Pokémon and Harry Potter characters have shown up.
• Cure Your Gays: The entire point behind Edwards Secert, along with several quotes from Brewdening Love itself ("Luv u Jenny, no homo" "Guys can love each other but not in the a—" "...That time my sister lied that she was gay and had to go to camp." "the VOLTIRE COUD HALP ME!!! AND THEY COLD KULL BRIAN SO THAT SINNARS WOOD STOP MAKING MY CHARROTERS GAYU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1").
• Dating What Daddy Hates: Mr. Smith doesn't seem to approve of Joan dating Edward, but he never did anything to put a stop to it.
• Department of Redundancy Department:
  But then I heard a noise, like a bus comming towards me. I looked around and saw.......................A BIG BUS CUMING AT ME!1111
• Diminishing Villain Threat: Wait, who is James again?
• Double Entendre: Right after the bus comes to a halt merely inches from Joan's face, her friend Jenny seems to be a little bit too happy that her friend is safe.
  Jenny was creaming at me but I couldn’t here her probably.
• Easy Evangelism: Jacob converts to and supports Christianity in under a day.
• Female Misogynist: Author Erin Locklea is this.
• Fingore: In Edwards Secert, you have to either cut off your own finger or die in order to cure homosexuality.
• The Fundamentalist: Joan is supposed to be an "ideal Christian".
• Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?: "I luv u, but no homo k?"
• Hypocrite:
  • Edward tells Emmett to kill James and incinerate his body. He fails, but since the Cullens believe in Thou Shalt Not Kill, they kill him for having tried to kill James. It does not make more sense in context.
  • In a meta example, Erin states fairly early on that she will not follow the plot from the books. Halfway-through, she uses the plot from Eclipse.
• Kill It with Fire:
  • Brian's main strategy.
  • Emmett and Edward try to incinerate James and Emmett, respectively, in order to kill them. The former shows up alive just fine moments after Emmett claimed to have burned him, while Edward succeeds (although Emmett is eventually resurrected).
• Kung-Fu Jesus: Jesus fights alongside The Pope against the vampires. For some reason, he wears a lot of golden chains and has a pendant with a crucifix.
• Love Dodecahedron: In case anyone would like to keep track, this is what it currently looks like.◊
• Machinima: Here.
• Missing Mom: Joan's mom never shows up, nor is she ever mentioned. Joan does, however, apparently have a sister who is a lesbian and was sent to "camp".
• MST: The TwilightSucks forums have a whole archive of them. The author herself wrote two Revenge Fic chapters against the snarkers after reading them, casting them as evil, devil-worshiping vampires.
• Murder the Hypotenuse: Joan wants to kill Jenny so she can have Edward all to herself. What a great friend Joan is.
• Neon Sign Hideout: What were the "Volturi Mafia" smoking when they used the seven wonders of the world to decorate their hideout?
• New Jobs As The Plot Demands: Or rather, as the author forgets. Joan's father has a different job each time his occupation is mentioned (although he ends up being a lawyer twice).
• One-Hit Kill: Victoria kills "Ward" with a single punch.
• Overly Long Name: What kind of self-respecting girl would Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smith be if she didn't have one of these?
• Revenge Fic: Four chapters of Brewdening Love attack actual internet users (two for the snarkers and two for trolls impersonating her friends), chapter 37 attacks Brian x Hugo shippers, and Edwards Secret attacks gays in general.
• Ridiculously Fast Construction: The Cullens rebuild Joan's home, which was burned down, in a single day. Although, considering that Joan manages to make all the windows shake with a single yell, the quality of the rebuilt home might be questionable.
• Rouge Angles of Satin: The whole fic is full of this. Even the title is spelled wrong!
• Self-Insert Fic: Erin admits in the first chapter that this is what Twilight would be like if she were Bella. She has tried to deny it a few times since, but judging by how many times their names get mixed up...
• Satellite Love Interest: Why do Joan and Edward like each other again, other than the whole "hawt" thing?
• Something We Forgot: In Chapter 23, to ridiculous levels. The party that goes to Canada to rescue Jacob from the evil vampires finds him, frees him and then leaves him behind without realizing. He might have had to rescue himself considering he's back at the end of the following chapter.
• Spin-Off: There are five of them.
  • Twilight World: A crossover with the Bible, except with Twilight characters instead of the real characters. Formerly called Twilight Bible.
  • Bellas Baby: A one-shot in which Bella is pregnant with James' demon child and has to get an abortion from Professor McGonagall. Was lost forever, can now be found here.
  • Truelove Fight: Another crossover, only in bad spirits. This one has Edward hunting and killing Pokémon because Pikachu's ears resemble devil horns.
  • Edwards Birthday: A one-shot meant to support the Joan x Edward pairing. It has a character named Tana (possibly the canon character Tanya) who tries to get with Edward to disastrous results.
  • Edwards Secert: A rightly loathed one-shot where Edward and Jacob become gay for each other and a Roaring Rampage of Revenge is launched against Jacob when he refuses to cut off one of his own fingers as a means of repentance.
• Stalker with a Crush: Joan follows Edward around when she first decides that he's "sex-ah". It gets so bad that he has to flee into a parking lot while she's chasing him, which is when she finally gets the idea that he may not like her.
• That Came Out Wrong: A LOT of times during the story, thanks to the misspellings. You can get a completely different understanding of the story than what Erin intended to write. For example, in Chapter 22, Joan is bitten in the arm by a vampire, so Edward retaliates. He's supposed to be beating the vampire up, but this is what was written:
  Edward scremed and pounded into the vampire that bit me.
• Troll Fic: It could easily be this.
• Would Hit a Girl: In chapter 28, Brian punches Joan, with his reason being "Because I am the FBI and I can.", a line which has since become an Ascended Meme.
• You Shall Not Pass!: "NO SINNARS ALLUWED TO READ IT OK. BECOISE THEY DON'T FALLOW THE LORDS WEIGHTS AND HIS TEECHINGS AND THEY AR TYING TO BRING THE DEVAL INTO MY LIF!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111111111111"

---