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Fanfic / Bag Enders

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A giant eagle is not a mobility aid

And it came to pass that the Fellowship were granted immortality for they had saved middle earth; and so they went their separate ways...

But some fellowships were not meant to be broken...

History has become legend; legend has become myth and myth has become merchandising: A three-bedroom semi in a town in the north of England, 2001.

The originals have been uploaded by one of the authors on AO3.

Tropes featured include:

  • Awkwardly Gay Dream: Aragorn has several about Boromir when drugged with Elven Aphrodisiac, much to his horror.
  • Bawdy Song:
    • Mention is made of Pippin singing the Hedgehog Song.
    • When Boromir first incarnates, he is singing "4 and 20 virgins went up to Minas Tirith...", which is a parody of the Ball of Kirriemuir, a Scottish drinking song famous for having several million versions, twice as many verses, and all start with that line.
  • Cast Full of Gay: Oddly enough, Sam is confirmed at least mostly-hetero even in the "Random Slashy Interludes", notwithstanding a drunken incident with Frodo. Frodo is usually "busy" with Merry and Pippin on the few occasions he's lucid enough. Gimli and Gandalf are not involved because of the authors' personal Squick feelings, but Aragorn and Legolas are technically married and both had at least vaguely slashy interactions with Boromir when his ghost possessed Legolas.
  • Comically Missing the Point: A shocked Legolas asks why Aragorn has become a Scoutmaster, unable to imagine anyone who's not a pedophile volunteering for the job, and darkly mutters "I've met Baden-Powell". Aragorn, impressed, asks if Legolas can come in and give a talk about Baden-Powell to the kids.
  • Cow Tools: The "long bent thing with sort of a knob on the end".
  • Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: Aragorn threatens Frodo and Merry with being forced to "watch the entirety of Flipper. Twice."
  • Dead Fic: Since approximately 2004, though one of the authors recently uploaded the slightly edited originals to AO3.
  • Dirty Old Man: Gandalf. Oh so much - some of it is put on for effect. Some.
  • Dysfunction Junction: After 6000 years of intermittently living together, the Fellowship have become this; Aragorn is the closest thing to an authority figure and isn't dealing very well with the 21st century, Legolas is the Team Mom and Only Sane Man who's slowly cracking from the strain of dealing with the Fellowship after many failed attempts to ditch them, Gandalf is apparently senile and spends most of his time driving the rest mad, watching tv, and refusing to look after himself, Frodo's clinically insane (and, worryingly, one of the most functional members of the household), Sam is effectively his minder, Merry and Pippin are dissolute semi-criminal eternal shelf-stackers who mostly amuse themselves by making Aragorn's life a living hell, and Gimli is both rarely seen and paranoid (as would you be, if you lived with the Hobbits).
  • Elderly Immortal: Gandalf.
  • Everyone Has Lots of Sex: During the "Random Slashy Interludes".
  • Evil Old Folks: Gandalf. Possibly Radagast.
    • Radagast is like Gandalf with a conscience, lack of desire to molest everything with breasts and pets.
    • He seems to have at least a passing interest in breasts, as it is mentioned he and Gandalf play pin the thong on the playboy centrefold and neither have an incentive for winning.
  • Fish out of Temporal Water: Boromir. When he temporarily incarnated in one episode, it was summed up as "Boromir tries to adjust to the 21st century. Boromir fails."
  • Flanderization: See Alternate Character Interpretation. It's entirely for Rule of Funny reasons, and it works.
  • Funetik Aksent: Particularly during "And The Sign Said 'Centre Parcs'", when Pippin claims to be the inventor of the Glaswegian dialect and speaks continually in it in order to annoy the others.
  • Groin Attack: The result of Gandalf shrinking Aragorn's trousers. It's not made clear exactly what this does, but it's painful enough that Aragorn can't even bear to wear boxers and sticks to a kilt. Sam at one point slips, falls over, and gets an unwanted look under the kilt, screams, and ends up in Frodo's usual position of gibbering in a corner.
  • Heroic Comedic Sociopath: The Fellowship's decidedly jaded morals make most of them this. Even Legolas complains (when Gandalf has been kicked out of an old people's home after less than 24 hours), "why couldn't you just go on a killing spree like a normal person?"
  • Kissing Cousins: During the Random Slashy Interludes, Merry and Pippin often resort to each other when they can't find anyone else, and sometimes include Frodo.
  • Mad Oracle: During the prequel episode set in Troy, Frodo has turned into one of these, and only says one coherent thing in the entire episode, mostly speaking in prophetic gibberish that only Sam seems to understand.
  • Noodle Incident: This fic's humour partly runs on hilarious Noodle Incidents. For example:
    To say that the Fellowship were enjoying their pasta al sei formaggio would be stretching the dictionary definition of 'enjoy' further than the elastic in Gandalf's underwear during The Accidental Bungee Jumping Incident.
  • Not Listening to Me, Are You?:
    • Legolas ignores Aragorn's attempts to get his attention by claiming that he's pregnant and has sold the house to terrorists, but reacts when Aragorn claims Celeborn is coming to live with them.
    • Gandalf pretends to be deaf whenever someone i.e. Legolas, asks him awkward questions of the "Why are you keeping Jeremy Paxman as pet?" variety
  • Obfuscating Insanity: Gandalf, sometimes. Also, occasionally, Frodo - he's actually clinically insane, enough that there are entire volumes of psychiatric textbooks dedicated to his psychoses, and he's been medicated with everything up to and including viagra. However, it's also demonstrated at one point that he's capable of faking it when he wants to.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: Gandalf's senility is revealed to be entirely feigned, with only Legolas having cottoned on, pointing out that he knows that Gandalf is more powerful than he pretends to be.
  • Obligatory Swearing: FECK OFF!
  • Older Than They Look: All of the Fellowship, being six thousand years old, but particularly the hobbits, who keep getting mistaken for preteens and managed to join the Boy Scouts without being questioned.
  • Only Sane Man: Legolas. Aragorn sometimes takes the role if Legolas isn't around, as does Frodo in his more lucid moments.
  • Porn Stash: Pippin insists on keeping his in his mattress, which now resembles a miniature version of Smaug's horde. The other Hobbits have taken to calling him "the Porn Dragon."
    • He's had it so long, that some of it was papyrus (thankfully, that part disintegrated) and it's actually worth something - and by 'something', we mean one of the components is a sketch by Leonardo Da Vinci.
  • Really 700 Years Old: The whole Fellowship. (Except Legolas and Gandalf, who are over 9000.)
  • Scarily Competent Tracker: Aragorn, of course.
    Sam really wished he wouldn't do the stealthy ranger-of-the-north thing in the house, it really creeped him out, especially when Aragorn wore clothes to blend in with the wallpaper, and most worryingly they had never worked out how he managed to change his clothes between rooms.
  • Shell-Shocked Veteran: Most of 'em to one degree or another, but especially Frodo.
  • Shout-Out: Many. The situation owes something to The Young Ones, Gandalf's characterisation is mainly based on Father Ted, albeit more coherent, and there are several Discworld references.
  • Stoners Are Funny: Elladan and Elrohir. So very much.
  • Team Dad: Aragorn is described as the closest thing the Fellowship have to an authority figure and, well... he does his best.
  • Team Mom: Legolas, of all people. Mostly because Elves have no sex drive, which leaves him with enough energy to look after the others. That said, his sanity is slowly cracking.
  • The Thing That Would Not Leave: Gandalf. Less 'can't' look after himself, more 'won't'. Considering what he does to Aragorn's trousers, it is unsurprising that they don't try to evict him.
  • Troubled Fetal Position: Frodo during his attacks of "Post-Ringbearer Syndrome".
  • Violent Glaswegian: Pippin 'Huv ye got a PROBLEM with tha pal?!' Took.
  • Wholesome Crossdresser:
    • Legolas wears a pink fluffy bathrobe and an incredibly feminine 18th-century nightshirt. In the Random Slashy Interludes Merry and Frodo occasionally become "Estella and Lobelia, the North's biggest, smallest drag act", and Pippin (insofar as he can be called "wholesome" in this incarnation) ended up dressed as Pussy Galore.
    • When they go to Elrond's party, Merry and Frodo do a disturbingly good Abba. With gel filled bra's.
    • Gandalf goes as Anne Robinson, with a Funny Moment when asked about this, replying, "Whoever said that Anne Robinson was a woman?"
  • Who Wants to Live Forever?: A mild comedic version, but if you were six thousand years old and stuck with a dysfunctional Fellowship, you'd probably not want immortality either.