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Fanfic / Average Joein Bullet Hell

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I'm trying to be a gentleman. Don't make my job any harder than it needs to be, okay?

Ryan Randa, middle-class citizen of Tucson, Arizona, is minding his own business when one day he gets an unusual message on his phone. Thinking it a prank, he ignores it. This trend goes on for about a week. He then gets pulled through a gap.

Average Joe In Bullet Hell is a Touhou semi-self insert fanfic written by Magnificent Sasquatch. Can be found here. It has not been updated since 2012.


Provides Examples Of:

  • Accidental Misnaming: Suika calls Ryan everything except his name. Also, Alice Margatroid is understandably annoyed when Ryan calls her "Metroid" the first time they meet.
  • Ass-Kicking Pose: Reimu and Marisa actually strike one of these in a recent chapter... only to find out that the person they thought they were rescuing wasn't impressed.
  • Battle Couple: Ryan and Utsuho, Aka Solar Team, are well on their way to becoming one.
  • Berserk Button: If anyone other than the SDM staff calls her China, Meiling becomes absolutely furious.
    • One of Utsuho's friends exhibits one of these, as well. You think you can screw with a friend of Yuugi Hoshiyama and get off scott-free? Oh-ho-ho, think twice.
    • Do not damage Marisa's hat.
  • Brain Bleach: Apparently, it tastes like copper.
  • Butt-Monkey: Being Chino is suffering.
  • Combination Attack: And it is awesome.
  • Cool Sword: The sword that Yukari gives to Ryan.
    • In Chapter 26, it is revealed to have originally been Ran's.
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  • Cool Old Guy: Tata.
  • Defeat Means Friendship: Flandre.
  • Dead Fic: For three years and counting.
  • Energy Absorption: Ryan's power. It allows him to absorb pretty much anything energy-based. Also counts as...
    • Elemental Absorption: Since he is capable of absorbing things like fire and danmaku bullets. Lightning is an exception, as he's based on Mega Man. While he can absorb it he gets temporally paralyzed by it.
    • In classic Touhou style his power is actually much, much stronger then it appears at first glance as it allows him to absorb "power" in general. This includes things like like other peoples spell cards and their special abilities like Sakuya's time control powers. Even Yukari admits if he ever got complete control of it he'd be extraordinarily powerful.
  • Energy Ball: Ryan calls his "Sparky".
    • Sparky is a good boy come the struggle against Flandre in the SDM's basement.
  • Failed a Spot Check: During Marisa's battle against Cirno, she begins shooting off repeated Master Sparks. She stops firing after a while to take a breather, but finds out that the one tree that wasn't blown up was where Cirno was hiding.
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  • Feather Flechettes: Commander Iza's Spell Cards involve a lot of this.
  • Fake Ultimate Hero: After his quote-unquote "defeat" of Flandre Scarlet, Ryan's rocking quite the ego high for a while into the second story arc. The apparent safeguarding of Utsuho he recieves, combined with being sent to settle an incident just gives him an even bigger head. Then Iza shows up, and Utsuho delivers the mortal blow that brings this self-image he has crashing down: Yukari didn't send him to protect Utsuho. She sent Utsuho to protect him. In fact, Utsuho has won virtually every fight for them until that point, with little in the means of effectual help from the supposed "leader". He does not take it well.
  • Go Look at the Distraction: In which Ryan's the distraction!
  • Head Desk: Ryan does this, a lot. Alice has also given in to this when dealing with Marisa.
  • Hearing Voices: Ryan calls it his Common Sense. Utsuho has one as well.
    • Chapter 16 and later in 22 reveal that the voice in Utsuho's head is that of the lingering Yatagarasu, who has -for whatever reason- decided to stay inside of Utsuho and act as her instructor.
    • Ryan's voice inside his head is actually, as it turns out, not -entirely- an insanity. See Which Me? below.
  • Heroic BSoD: Marisa has a temporary one in response to her failed spot check mentioned above.
    • When Utsuho breaks it to Ryan that he was never meant to protect her, that she was basically a youkai bodyguard for a weak human even though she was the enemy's prior target, he gets a serious moment of this—complete with regret, self-loathing and questioning of purpose.
  • Hong Kong Dub: In-universe, due to messing around by Yukari so the English-speaking Ryan and Japanese-speaking Gensokyo residents can understand each other.
  • Idiot Savant: Utsuho/Okuu.
  • I'm a Humanitarian: In this canon, Yuyuko ate Mystia.
  • I'm Cold... So Cold...: Although he doesn't actually say anything, Ryan gets this in Chapter 26. He manages to recover in time to make an awesome comeback.
  • Improbably Female Cast: Of course, this is Touhou, but it still deserves mention for lampshading it.
    Ryan's thoughts: You know, I like this, I really do. These two have been real accommodating, and are very friendly overall. Already, the idea of living in Gensokyo is appealing to me, even Common Sense is giving the thumbs-up! Although I should probably find some bros…waitaminute. Something Reimu mentioned is coming back.
    Ryan: Ah... Marisa...?
    Marisa: Hm? What's the matter with you?
    Ryan: Reimu did say before, after we were working... something about the guy-girl ratio in Gensokyo?
    Marisa: Ha! Yeah, you're totally an endangered species, ze. *Ryan headdesks* Hey, at least you've plenty of options for shacking up with someone. They'll probably be more willing than you are to get together, considering the limited options. *headdesk* Especially if you're gonna be a fighter. No guys in Spell Card battles till now, ze. *headdesk* Real quick! If you're thinking of getting with a youkai chick, my advice: don't get frisky in the Spring, ze. *headdesk*
    Reimu: Marisa, I think you've messed with the poor boy enough. *Ryan starts to sit up* Although, that last one? Really keep it in mind. *headdesk*
  • Knight of Cerebus: Commander Iza.
  • Leeroy Jenkins: Attempted by Ryan. He fails at it:
    Ryan: "Let's get down there!" I exclaim, hopping over the railing. "LEE-ROOOOOOOY JENKI-"
    Ryan: "Ow." Again, I fall upon my face. Why must mine poor proboscis be subject to such torture?
  • Literal Split Personality: Ryan's Common Sense, Aka. CS
  • Mama Bear: Satori regarding her 'pets'.
    • Also, Ran. Very, very much Ran. Once upon a time, she was very much loved by the pre-Gensokyo Human Village, and she loved them in kind. Then, Nami and the Sasa Sanctuary forces of that time tried to kill said humans. The resulting asskicking that Ran delivered was so monumental that Yukari Yakumo immediately wanted her as a shikigami.
  • Manipulative Bastard: Yukari for playing with the border in Ryan's mind between peace and violence.
  • Mega Manning: Ryan's ability is energy absorption a la Mega Man.
  • Mundane Utility: What does Yukari do when Ran's cooking doesn't pan out? Use her border manipulation to steal food from an Outback Steakhouse.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: Yuyuko, just...Yuyuko. Think she's all whimsy and simplicity? Think twice.
  • Oh, Crap!: When Cirno brings up that she beat Marisa.
    • And when Ryan realises just who knocked out everyone in SDM. Hint: Flandre thinks Ryan looks tasty.
  • Phrase Catcher: "Goddamnit, Yukari!" gets bandied around a bit.
    • Many chapters contain the phrase "Godspeed, readers..." at the very end.
  • Plot Parallel: This has an interesting semi-inversion for the two protagonists. True to the "Heaven and Hell" motif, Ryan and Utsuho have personal agendas that work in opposite directions. Ryan is trying to be stronger so he doesn't weigh Utsuho down, refusing to accept human limits to match his youkai partner. Meanwhile, Utsuho is trying to keep a tight lid on her destructive nature so she doesn't both jeopardize their goal or frighten Ryan away—she's having a bit more success than him, however.
  • Punctuated! For! Emphasis!: "I... Am not... A POPSICLE!"
    • Ryan's reaction to Satori's mind-reading powers. "GREAT...BARRIER...REEF."
  • Running Gag: "Goddammit, Yukari."
  • Savvy Guy, Energetic Girl: Ryan's the savvy guy and Utsuho is the energetic girl.
  • Schedule Slip: The six month hiatus was humourously Lampshaded in the "Intermission" chapter.
  • Self-Duplication: Four of a Kind.
  • Sempai/Kohai: Once Flandre and Utsuho meet, it doesn't take long for the former to start referring to the latter as "Okuu-senpai".
  • Shout-Out: Ryan's powers make him very comparable to Zero. (The gun and sword combo being reminiscent of the Mega Man Zero titles does NOTHING to help.) This is lampshaded by Yukari, much to Ryan's embarrassment.
    Yukari: Dr. Wily does not approve.
  • The Champion: Ryan has shown shades of trying to be this for Utsuho's sake. Only succeeds once in a blue moon, however. Primarily during his first encounter with Chino, in the knowledge that he'd attempted to assault Utsuho for rejecting his offer to join the villains of the second story arc.
  • There Was a Door: When told to assist Patchouli in her first appearance in-story, Sakuya attempts to stop time and exit through a window. Remilia stops her and directs her to the door instead.
  • The Rival: Cirno thinks she's this.
  • Which Me?: Taboo Incarnate "Mirrored Catastrophe", in which me is a Surfer Dude. Which Utsuho mistakes for an Evil Twin.
    • And at the end of Chapter 24, is revealed to be the embodiment of Ryan's Common Sense.

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