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Fanfic / A Certain Crazy Christmas Special

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A One Shot poem fic of A Certain Magical Index by Franchise. It can be read here.

Touma Kamijou just wanted a nice quiet Christmas, but finds himself facing the most unlikely enemy of all: Santa Claus!

Done in the style of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.

WARNING: This fic is extremely hilarious!


  • Adult Fear: Index is kidnapped while Touma was in the next room cooking.
  • An Asskicking Christmas
  • Badass Boast:
    Accelerator stared in confusion at the fat man, "You have no idea who the hell I am, do you?" he finally asked.
    Santa growled back, "So what if I don't boy. My magical power over Christmas makes me invincible during this time of year. All these other people here already tried to stop me and failed. What makes you think that you will be any different?"
    The white haired boy let out an evil laugh. "Christmas? You think the power of Christmas is anywhere close to my abilities? You're even more stupid then you look. Go call Halloween, Easter, and Arbour Day to come give you some backup. That way you might be able to survive for a couple of minutes. Then again I'm not that patient so guess what fatso? You better watch out and you better start to cry. Pout all you want, I'll tell you why. Because…"
    "Santa Accelerator is coming to take you out yelled Misaka as Misaka finishes the badass boast."
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  • Badass Santa: The villain. He even outfights Kaori Kanzaki, Itsuwa, Mikoto, Misaka 10032, and Komoe at the same time.
  • Bad Santa: The villain is actually a sorcerer code named SantaH0H0H0, who dresses up like Santa and can emulate his powers.
  • Bag of Holding: Santa's sack.
  • Close-Call Haircut: Itsuwa manages to slash off part of Santa's beard.
  • Danger with a Deadline: The villain's powers only work during Christmas time. Motoharu suggests simply staying clear of him until Christmas is over, but unfortunately that is not an option.
  • Dirty Old Man: The villain hits on several girls.
  • Embarrassing Nickname: The villain gives these to each of his kidnapped girls: Glutton (Index), Loli (Komoe), Big Sis (Kaori), Spear Girl (Itsuwa), Pikachu (Mikoto), Also Pikachu (Misaka 10032), Lesbian (Kuroko), Miko (Himegami), and Imaginary the Big Breasted Reindeer (Hyoka).
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  • Fastball Special: The villain is ultimately defeated when Accelerator launches Touma at him. Touma punches him out.
  • Gilligan Cut: The girls listed under Badass Santa are confident they can beat Santa if they attack together. Ten minutes later, he's captured them too.
  • Go-Go Enslavement: The villain kidnaps several girls and magically dresses them in high heels, brown-fur lingerie, and fake antlers. He forces them to act as his reindeer and pull his sleigh.
  • Heart Is an Awesome Power: The villain has the power of Santa Claus, allowing him to conjure up and control anything that has to do with Christmas. See also Spider-Sense below.
  • Know When to Fold 'Em: After the villain defeats several girls and then confronts Himegami, she surrenders and goes into his sack without a fight, since she can't fight.
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  • Little Girls Kick Shins: Komoe kicks Santa in the shin.
  • Made of Iron: Santa shrugs off Kuroko teleporting a bunch of her needles into him. Touma survives Santa dropping a tree on him.
  • Not Me This Time: Santa's elves flip Uiharu's skirt, and she automatically accuses Saten, who usually does that.
  • The Nudifier: When Santa is defeated, all of his enchantments disappear, including the reindeer girl outfits he made his kidnapped girls wear. Naturally, the girls angrily beat Touma up. Accelerator was spared due to his Screw This, I'm Outta Here!.
  • Panty Thief: Santa stole every one of the Agnese Forces' underwear.
  • Pass the Popcorn: Last Order munches on popcorn while Accelerator kicks some ass.
  • Power Nullifier: Santa's sack and reindeer harnesses prevent anyone trapped in them from using their powers.
  • Pragmatic Villainy:
    One might ask why he did not use real reindeer
    It probably would have been just as cool
    Simply Santa didn't want to mess with PETA
    He was crazy but not that much of a fool
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech:
    "Let's settle this you imposter," Touma yelled.
    Santa glared. "What did you just call me?"
    "You heard me. You may have been assigned the name, you may have been mocked and ridiculed for it but you have done nothing to earn it! You don't bring happiness to good children by giving out presents; you do the complete opposite and steal for your own selfish gains. Face it magician. You are nothing but a crazy old coot hiding behind a facade. You are not Santa and I'm going to shatter the illusion that you have anything to do with this holiday!"
  • Roaring Rampage of Revenge: The villain claims he's attacking out of revenge for everyone teasing him about how he looks like Santa and how his powers only work during Christmas time.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: As soon as the villain is defeated, Accelerator leaves with Last Order.
  • Sex Slave: The villain's ultimate plan: to use Christmas songs with subliminal messages to eventually brainwash his kidnapped girls into being his slaves. Then he will take them all and retreat to a tropical island. It won't matter that his powers will disappear because the brainwashing is meant to be permanent.
  • Sexy Soaked Shirt: Seiri Fukiyose falls in the snow, getting her white shirt wet. Naturally, Touma sees everything.
  • Shout-Out:
    • The whole fic is one to 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.
    • Two to How the Grinch Stole Christmas!:
      • Santa mocks Touma by singing: "You're an evil one Mr. Touma. Always the unsavoury perv. You spy while they're changing; you grope them when they're nude, Mr. Touma. I wouldn't let that hand of yours touch any ladies' curve."
      • After Touma gives his "The Reason You Suck" Speech, it was said that the hatred that Santa had for heroic speeches grew three times larger that day.
  • Spider-Sense: Santa can sense the presence of children around the world. In battle he can anticipate Kuroko's attacks.
  • Stepping Stones in the Sky: When Santa unleashes a rain of rock-hard fruitcakes, Touma runs along them to gain air, much to the bad guy's shock.
  • Taking the Bullet: The villain knocks down a Christmas tree that almost falls on Mikoto. Touma shoves her out of the way and the tree falls on him, temporarily knocking him out.
  • This Cannot Be!: The bad guy says, "This can't be happening. What...What Are You?" to Touma right before the hero punches him out.
  • This Is Gonna Suck: Touma's reaction after the girls are freed, and naked.
  • Tropical Epilogue: The villain's endgame plan is to retreat to a tropical island with his kidnapped girls brainwashed into his slaves.
  • Zerg Rush: The villain uses Santa's elves, living toys, gingerbread men, etc to do this.

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