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Fan Fic / Water Aerobics for the Aquaphobic

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Professor Umbridge decides that a field trip to Jusenkyo would help her students understand why she teaches her class the way she does. So she takes pretty much all of Hogwarts' fifth year students there and tells them to collect a vial of water from the springs. Voldemort and the Death Eaters follow.

It goes without saying that this goes horribly wrong.

Draco Malfoy bumps Ron into the Spring of the Drowned Violent Tomboy (a.k.a. the Spring of the Drowned Akane), and when Harry tries to pay him back, causes Harry to slip into the Spring of the Drowned Emo. Now cursed with being emo, Harry jumps into another spring to drown himself- which turns out to be the Spring of the Drowned Emu. On realizing that he is now an emo emu, Harry goes running through the valley, knocking others into springs, including Voldemort (Spring of the Drowned Rabbit), Bellatrix Lestrange (Spring of the Drowned Harpy), and Lucius Malfoy (Spring of the Drowned Good Samaritan).

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When the disaster is said and done, pretty much everyone there except for Luna is cursed, including Snape (Spring of the Drowned Unicorn) and Umbridge (Spring of the Drowned Horny Toad), and they retreat to Hogwarts to deal with their curses and potentially find a cure. Voldemort inadvertently comes with, as Luna takes his cursed form as a pet. In the meantime, Hilarity Ensues.

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Tropes

  • Anything That Moves: Umbridge when she's a horny toad which eventually leaks through while she's still human. It squicks out everyone else.
  • Atrocious Alias: Luna calls bunny-form Voldemort Pookie.
  • Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: Most of Draco's therapy group are obsessed with shiny, sparkly things, and have extensive hoards of shiny rocks, glitter, crystals and glass trinkets. Appropriately, they've mostly been cursed into animals known for hoarding shines, including a crow, a raccoon and a niffler.
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  • BFS: A claymore comes with Hermione's Warrior Goddess outfit.
  • Brain Bleach: Voldemort gets locked into Umbridge's office when she and Filch are about to have sex. In Harry's next Department of Mysteries dream, the crystal balls are weeping and crying "My eyes! My eyes!".
  • Chainmail Bikini: Part of Hermione's curse (Spring of the Drowned Warrior Goddess) means that whatever clothes she's wearing will be transformed into a chainmail and leather bikini, and not change back. She does not appreciate this.
  • Combat Stilettos: The getup that Hermione’s clothes turn into when she turns into her Warrior Goddess form includes leather boots with four-inch heels. She can fly, so they don't really affect her combat potential.
  • Crossover: Besides the obvious crossover of Ranma ½ with Harry Potter, it’s also mentioned that Bill Weasley and the Gringotts goblins stationed in Egypt are getting quite a bit of grief from a muggle woman named Lara Croft.
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  • Cue the Flying Pigs: Ginny ends up falling into the Spring of the Drowned Pig and the Spring of the Drowned Homing Pigeon, turning her into a flying pig. At one point, Harry says something might happen "when pigs fly", and immediately collides with Ginny in her cursed form.
  • Cursed with Awesome:
  • Embarrassing but Empowering Outfit: Hermione's Warrior Goddess form comes with a Chainmail Bikini outfit, and while it's tough and can absorb spells cast at the wearer, asocial bookworm Hermione is not happy that she has to look like that in public.
  • Emo: Harry is cursed to be this. Dumbledore remarks that it shouldn't be much different from the way he is normally, although Tonks points out that he does have a good reason to angst, since he is a teenager and does have a Dark Lord breathing down his neck.
  • Enthralling Siren: Theodore Nott is transformed into a siren, which in this universe is a magical man-eater, sort of like a black widow.
  • Exposed to the Elements: One of the reasons Hermione doesn't like the Chainmail Bikini part of her curse is that such clothing is in no way appropriate for Scottish weather.
  • Flight: Hermione can fly when she's a warrior goddess. This leaks through when she's still a human, and she starts levitating when she gets mad.
  • Gender Bender: Ron's curse means that he takes on Akane Tendo's body when splashed with cold water. Theodore Nott is also transformed into a siren, a kind of female monster like a humanoid equivalent of a black widow. There was also a grandfather of Sirius' who apparently fell into the Spring of the Double-Jointed Concubine.
  • Genius Loci: Hogwarts and Jusenkyo are both stated to be alive and aware.
  • Gone Horribly Wrong: The Jusenkyo trip, which starts as a theoretically educational field trip and swiftly devolves into most of Hogwarts' students and two of its faculty being permanently cursed in a variety of forms. Although really, what else was Umbridge expecting?
  • Hair Rasing Hare: Pookie, Luna's pet rabbit. It's a given, since he's really Lord Voldemort in his cursed form.
  • Heroic Sacrifice: In chapter 21, Dickens the old house elf sacrifices himself to hold back the breach that is flooding the Hogwarts dungeons, and dies when his magic gives out and he’s overcome by the flood.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: Umbridge deciding to take a field trip to Jusenkyo ends up cursing her to become a horny toad. The whole shebang was kicked off by Draco pushing Harry into the Spring of the Drowned Emo, which caused Harry to jump into the Spring of the Drowned Emu and then freak out and run away wildly when he realized he was an emo emu, pushing Draco into a spring.
  • Laser-Guided Karma: Draco made Harry slip into the Spring of the Drowned Emo. Later, emo emu!Harry knocks Draco into the Spring of the Drowned Ferret.
  • Killer Rabbit: Voldemort spends most of the story in the form of Luna's pet rabbit Pookie.
  • Me's a Crowd: Both Fred and George fell into the Spring of the Drowned Twins, meaning that they are duplicated whenever they are hit with cold water.
  • Mister Seahorse: The historical witch Clementine Wickermoon became infamous for, following the then all-male Wizengamot ruling all sex-based magic, including contraceptive spells, to be forbidden Dark Arts, casting a then-unprecedented curse that cause all of the Wizengamot's members to become pregnant while still remaining male. The ban was repealed soon after.
  • Right for the Wrong Reasons: Luna gets that her pet bunny is psychic, although she doesn't know that that's because he's actually Lord Voldemort in cursed form.
  • Screw Yourself: Apparently, following a dip into the Spring of the Double-Jointed Concubine, one historical member of the Black family managed to become Sirius' grandfather and grandmother at the same time.
  • Voluntary Shapeshifting: Tonks uses her metamorphmagus powers to regain her normal appearance after she falls into most of the springs Jusenkyo has. It ends up curing her for good.
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