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Despite those seven books floating around about Harry’s time at Hogwarts, nobody (especially not the real-world audience for said books) really knows what happened. Mostly because Harry lied about basically everything. But fear not! He and his wife Hermione (yes, he lied about liking Ginny too, and Hermione lied about liking Ron) are here to tell you all the things you missed:

All teachers (including Snape and Umbridge) give Harry and Hermione special treatment. Harry and Hermione are self-absorbed Jerk Asses. The Weasley family are made out to be the most evil evil that ever did evil. Underage sex. Many desperate attempts to resolve the plot holes of canon Harry Potter- by introducing dozens more.

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Maybe you should just stick with the books...

A complete canon rewrite by Seel'vor, The Real Us is notable for completely derailing every major character.

MSTed version available here.


The Real Us contains examples of:

  • Adaptational Attractiveness: Dolores Umbridge is secretly beautiful.
  • Adaptational Heroism: Umbridge, who in canon is a textbook Hate Sink, is said to be putting up a Jerkass Façade and is actually an ally of Harry and Hermione. Whether that is any better is up for debate.
  • Adaptational Sexuality: In canon, Albus Dumbledore is gay, although he chose to live a celibate life after Grindelwald showed his true colors. Here, he’s mentioned to have had a wife and children (who were killed by Grindelwald).
  • Adaptational Villainy:
    • Harry and Hermione get the worst of it, going from likable heroes to insufferable Smug Snakes who have no qualms about lying to everyone even when it makes the situation worse, and manipulating Ron’s and Ginny’s memories for no purpose except to Kick the Dog.
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    • The Weasleys, of course, get this intentionally, with Ron and Ginny trying to spike Harry and Hermione with love potion, Fred and George being near-sociopaths who don’t care that one of their pranks nearly killed someone, Molly being a blood purist, and Percy trying to reinstate the Muggle-born Registration Act. In canon, of course, all of the Weasleys opposed Voldemort’s ideology (even Percy, who at worst was a willfully ignorant Jerkass, not a bigot).
    • Percival Dumbledore, bafflingly, is said to have been a genuine pureblood supremacist who was arrested for hunting Muggles. Canon!Percival’s only known attack on a Muggle or on a group of Muggles was a Roaring Rampage of Revenge against the boys who harmed his daughter Ariana.
  • Artistic License – Biology: When Hermione is half-cat, she comments that a cat’s taste buds are more sensitive than those of a human. Cats have the second-worst sense of taste of all mammals (beating out only the dolphin) and the taste they do have is dedicated almost entirely to the detection of rotting meat.
  • Artistic License – Law:
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    • Despite insisting that he's not intending to rule the wizarding world, Harry sees no problem with assaulting a man in full view of witnesses for insulting his wife and giving him a week in jail with no medical attention. In addition to Harry not having the authority, this violates several laws in England:
      • The man hasn't committed a crime. His insult of Hermione may have been tactless, but it would not be considered slander, since it was merely an insult.
      • Harry has committed assault in full view of hundreds of witnesses.
      • The man is being denied his right to a fair trial. note 
      • Denying a person medical attention is considered cruel and unusual punishment. Especially since a concussion can cause severe health issues if not treated promptly.
    • Harry's contract with the Weasleys is horribly written and would probably be thrown out as a "bad faith" contract. In addition, they use it as an excuse to erase the twins' memories, even though the clause for that does not cover this scenario (since they haven't told anybody). The fact that they can't remember the contract makes proving it wasn't done under duress extremely hard. Finally, Harry is legally a minor and cannot enter a contract without the legal council of whoever is considered to have power of attorney.
    • At the end of the story, Minister of Magic Shacklebolt insists the Potters have committed no crimes while barely addressing any of the ones they actually committed, and pardons them anyway. You can only be pardoned if you are found guilty of a crime, so accepting his pardon is tacitly accepting guilt, which would actually make things much worse for them in any civil lawsuits that would be lobbied at them, which their pardon would not protect them from.
    • The author attempts to write off the number one complaint - that Harry and Hermione repeatedly modifying Ron's memory is considered a crime in the Potterverse - by revealing that Ron signed a document granting Harry, Hermione, and Dumbledore permission to modify their memory whenever necessary. No explanation was given on how he was convinced to sign such a document, and since his memory of it was erased, the question of duress is very present. It also falls into a possible "bad faith" contract again, as much of the times they modified his memories were not in any way beneficial to him or necessary for the over-all goal of protecting Harry/defeating Voldemort. And once again, Ron is a minor (this time only eleven, so not even a technicality) so cannot enter a legal contract without the express agreement of his parents.
  • Author Appeal: A certain infamous and very explicit scene in the second chapter exploits Hermione’s failed Polyjuice Potion.
  • Beauty Equals Goodness: Lockhart (who is canonically charming and handsome) is described as having giant teeth and a bad perm. Umbridge, however, is secretly good, and also secretly beautiful.
  • Because Destiny Says So: Not only do they allow Wormtail to escape custody and return to his dark master, solely because that is how they interpret Trelawney’s prophecy, but they actively orchestrate his escape for him.
    • On a meta level, many of Harry’s and Hermione’s decisions are only made because the story would deviate too far from canon if they were to choose differently.
  • But Thou Must!: The Real Us introduces the concept of a “magical life debt”, in which a witch or wizard who saves the life of another may ask one thing of him or her, and the other party is compelled to do it. Hermione uses to this to persuade Harry into letting her give him a blow job.
  • Complexity Addiction:
    • Harry and Hermione could have saved themselves so much trouble had they just told the Weasley family the truth from the beginning. Harry is so passive that he silently suffers through Mrs. Weasley’s “unhealthy” home-cooked meals and unwanted gifts while resenting her for not reading his mind and knowing his likes and dislikes.
    • In order for Harry to dance with Hermione at the Yule Ball, they come up with a complicated plot that involves bewitching everybody there to think Harry is there with Parvati, when she is actually with a Durmstrang boy. Krum actually goes with Fleur, so presumably she was made to look like Hermione. It is not discussed whom Davies is actually dancing with or whom people think is dancing with the Dumstrang boy. This involves Confunding every single person at the ball and modifying their memories in real time. Even if one ignores that Memory Charms don’t work that way, it’s incredible that nobody would notice before entry that everybody gets Confunded on their way in. Were it such a high priority for Harry and Hermione to keep their relationship secret, they could just condescend to dance with other people for one night.
    • Harry thinks that Ron wants his Firebolt all to himself and is afraid that Ron will steal it. Of course, Harry and Hermione (and McGonagall) decide that the completely logical thing to do is to stage a confiscation and have Hermione take the blame for “ratting them out” (for some reason). Why Harry doesn’t just bring up his concerns to McGonagall directly and request that the broom be kept safe is anyone’s guess.
  • Conspiracy Theorist: Perhaps it’s a result of initiating so many conspiracies themselves, but Harry and Hermione are quick to see conspiracies everywhere they turn. This is most noticeable in how Harry reacts to Molly making him a sweater (see Evil Cannot Comprehend Good below). Harry also claims that the Trace is a conspiracy to cover up the wards the ministry places on infant wizards to track underage magic (although Seel'vor never explains how this is different from the Trace). Hermione claims that a special ward was placed on Harry to track his magic, despite the general ward Harry described already accomplishing everything the enemy needs.
  • Consummate Liar: Harry and Hermione have been lying about the entire Harry Potter series. It turns out that Harry and Hermione are dating (and having sex) right from the start, all the teachers (Snape included) are on their side and participate in the con, Ron and Ginny’s memories are magically altered to think that Hermione and Harry, respectively, loved them, and Harry and Hermione are (supposedly) much more powerful than they are in canon.
  • Continuity Snarl: The fic is not very clear, but it is implied that what “everybody knows” is what was in the books (even though a large portion of this wouldn’t be public knowledge). Despite this, a few things that everybody would know still don’t line up with canon. Most notably, Hermione is Harry’s hostage in the second challenge, with a random little brother for Krum. Ron is brainwashed into thinking he was the hostage, but everyone else would presumably know the truth.
    • At the start of the story, Hermione uses Legilimency to see which Weasleys can be trusted. She and Harry are disappointed to realize that the twins are Shippers On Deck, Harry even stating, “I liked them.” During the flashback, we see that the twins have always been greedy and immoral, and that Harry and Hermione had written them off long ago.
  • Cool Teacher: Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall are this from the main characters and the author’s perspective, giving Harry and Hermione expensive gifts and private lessons, refusing to punish them for rule-breaking, and encouraging them to use the Weasley family as punching bags.
  • Death by Adaptation: Lucius and Draco Malfoy are executed at the end.
  • Demoted to Extra: Draco makes brief appearances maybe three times throughout the entire story.
  • Dirty Coward: Hermione describes Ron as such mere hours after he rescues her from a troll.
  • Disproportionate Retribution:
    • Molly Weasley is sentenced to 30 years in Azkaban for apparently having subjected her husband to Amortentia for their entire marriage. And before that, over a dozen Death Eaters are executed, including seventeen-year-old Draco Malfoy.
    • A man insults Hermione. Harry’s response is to concuss the man, have him thrown in jail for a week, and deny him any medical aid until that week is over.
  • Double Standard:
    • Many, many examples involving the Weasley family. In the first chapter alone, the author takes potshots at Ginny for apparently having “shagged” four boys. Other than Harry, Ginny canonically has only two boyfriends (Michael Corner and Dean Thomas), cheats on neither of them (and may not have sex with them at all), and begins dating when she is fifteen. In this fanfiction, Hermione has been in a sexual relationship with Harry since year one, and has been cheating on Ron (given that she deliberately leads him to believe his feelings for her are reciprocated).
    • At one point, Harry states that one of the reasons he would never get together with Ginny is because she looks too much like his mother, Lily, and that would cause “too many Oedipal issues.” He bases this solely on the fact that Ginny has red hair. Meanwhile, apparently all Potter men have what is called the “Potter foible”, which causes them to go after women who are smart, bookish, attractive, and keep to themselves, and that is what attracts Harry to Hermione and James to Lily. No one questions the “Oedipal issues” of Harry going for the same type of woman his father did.
  • Evil Cannot Comprehend Good:
    • Harry is incredibly suspicious of Mrs. Weasley’s handmade gifts, as if it would never occur to him why someone would be nice to an orphan. Harry also gives Ron an extremely insulting book about Ron’s favorite team (the Chudley Cannons) but believes that it still counts as a “good” gift because all the information in it is factually accurate.
    • When Ginny comments that one of the reasons that she loves Harry is that he won’t be content unless he is fighting Voldemort, Hermione interprets this to mean that she only cares about his wealth and fame, rather than his moral character.
    • Fred, George, Bill, and Charlie are all written off because they want their sister to marry the man she loves. They have no way of knowing that Ginny is an Abhorrent Admirer.
    • When Ron gets upset when McGonagall confiscates Harry’s Firebolt, Harry immediately assumes that it’s only because Ron covets the Firebolt himself. It doesn’t occur to him that someone could get angry on someone else’s behalf.
  • Evil Matriarch: Molly Weasley’s villainy is mainly confined to encouraging Ron and Ginny to spike Hermione and Harry with liberal doses of Amortentia, but that doesn’t stop her from getting thirty years in Azkaban.
  • Exact Words: The teachers like to hide their favoritism through exact words and blatant Loophole Abuse, even though they and Harry are the only witnesses to these words. Snape even states at one point that words have power and it’s best to technically tell the truth whenever you can. Averted by Harry and Hermione, however, who prefer to just tell outright lies.
  • Faking the Dead: After Tonks gets injured, Remus creates fake bodies of both him and her and Portkeys out of Hogwarts to tend to her wounds.
  • Fantastic Racism: Molly calls Hermione a Mudblood behind her back, despite plotting to use her as a broodmare for her pureblood son. Bizarrely averted with Umbridge, however.
  • Fiction 500: Harry mentions that his multiple vaults are positively brimming with gold at least once a chapter. Naturally, he and Hermione immediately insist that everyone refer to them as “Lord and Lady Potter-Black”.
  • For the Evulz:
    • Harry and Hermione will occasionally manipulate people for no noticeable advantage. One good example is that Hermione continues to modify Ron’s memories into making him think she kisses him during the final confrontation, where one way or another, it’s all about to be over and such a charade, even by the story’s own reasoning, is no longer needed.
    • While the deal they strike with the Weasley twins initially appears to be motivated by greed, Harry is later entertained by the fact that the twins fail to buy out Zonko’s due to not having enough capital, as a result of them not being permitted to know that half their profits get taken away. This suggests that he is less interested in profiting off of them than in screwing them over.
  • Framing Device: The story is Harry and Hermione holding a press conference to tell everyone what really happened. Very little of what they say is terribly relevant.
  • Happily Ever After: Just like Deathly Hallows, The Real Us ends with the line, “All was well.” This translates into an insufferably sycophantic apology letter from the Daily Prophet (written by Rita Skeeter!) most likely under duress, a full pardon for the laundry list of crimes to which Harry and Hermione admit, and a vacationing Harry and Hermione getting to work on baby number one. Ron and Ginny get disowned by their family.
  • He Knows Too Much: Allegedly why they don’t simply cut ties with Ron. This is brought up before Voldemort’s resurrection, where not only does Ron not know anything damning on Harry, but there is no one to whom he could report it even if he were a Death Eater.
  • Hollywood Law:
    • Most of the reasons why the various crimes committed don’t count as crimes. Most notably, the fact that their modification of Ron’s memories is justified by Ron having signed a contract with Dumbledore that gives them carte blanche rights to modify his memory, and then wiping out his memory of such an event. Not only does this make it impossible to prove that he truly signs the document under his own volition, but also ignores the fact that he is eleven at the time, and such a document would need to be signed by his legal guardians.
    • Harry’s contract with the Weasley twins is horribly written, full of holes and contradictions, and would probably be thrown out as a “bad faith” contract. Once again, since the twins have their memory erased immediately afterwards, it makes its legality even more questionable. Much like Ron in the last example, Harry is too young to sign a contract, making the entire thing null and void.
    • Harry can sentence a man to a week in jail without any sort of trial, and forbid him medical treatment after concussing him.
    • Narcissa is thrown in Azkaban. There is no evidence that she does anything illegal, and anything she might have done is clearly under duress. Draco is executed, despite barely being of age, and also acting under duress.
  • Horrible Judge of Character: Although they wipe out most of the cruel things they do to Ron, Harry and Hermione can barely hide their disgust of him, give him insulting presents, and mock him for wanting a present for Scabbers. Yet Ron still believes that Harry is his best friend and that Hermione is falling in love with him.
  • Hotter and Sexier: For no real reason, sex is brought up a lot. Instead of getting to know each other, Harry and Hermione's relationship seems to be based entirely on sex.
  • Hypocrite:
    • Harry’s and Hermione’s reactions to someone deceiving them or withholding information from them range from temper tantrums to outright violence. Yet they spend their entire school lives telling baldfaced lies to everyone except a handful of teachers, and use Memory and Confundus Charms on Ron at the slightest provocation.
    • Ron making fun of Hermione behind her back is treated as if it were the most despicable behavior imaginable, worse even than the troll that nearly killed her. This doesn’t stop Harry and Hermione from making fun of Ron (and everybody else) behind his back.
    • Harry and Hermione lie to almost everyone they know, use Memory Charms to reinforce the lies, and then look down on people for not seeing through the lies. This is most notable when Ron points out that Snape is a Jerkass. Harry berates him for believing what he’s been told, rather than judging for himself. He seems oblivious to the fact that he’s asking this to Ron, who has six years of witnessing Snape’s behavior, and only Harry’s word that Snape was secretly good.
    • Harry and Hermione sneer at Ron for struggling to escape five Snatchers (despite having no context for how powerful the Snatchers are) thinking about how they would never be taken down by “five mere wizards.” Moments later, five Snatchers jump them and capture them easily.
    • Harry constantly berates his audience for believing what Harry wanted them to believe and not thinking for themselves, while he tells them a convoluted new story with no evidence other than his own (and a couple other people’s) testimony. He also berates anybody who jumps to logical conclusions (such as Harry mentioning that there will be new laws might mean that he wants to rule the UK), while jumping to massive conclusions of his own (such as that the only reason somebody would be nice to an orphan would be if they want something from that orphan).
    • Molly Weasley falls into this as well, arguing that Harry oughtn’t marry Hermione, listing off various “negative values” while still trying to convince Hermione that she ought to marry Ron.
  • Idiot Ball: More of a Canon Ball (no pun intended), as Harry and Hermione often do specific things for no reason other than that they cannot deviate from The Stations of the Canon no matter what. Most notably, they let Wormtail escape, and even orchestrate his escape, Because Destiny Says So.
  • In Spite of a Nail:
    • Despite his incredible magical talents and genius intellect, and despite the teachers bending over backwards to help him, Harry never accomplishes anything that he didn’t manage in canon.
    • Occurs in-universe as well. Harry interrupts a press conference and spends several hours putting on a grand display to tell people what really happened, but what everybody thinks they know isn’t terribly far from the truth. Most of the differences boil down to minutiae (an uncomfortable amount involving sex) that most people other than the Weasleys would have little concern over.
  • Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain: Despite literal years of brewing love potions to no avail, Ron and Ginny never stop trying. This is not helped by the fact that Harry and Hermione constantly alter their memories to make them think their feelings are reciprocated!
  • Informed Attribute:
    • Everything about Harry and Hermione is always described in glowing terms both in the narrative and out, despite their extremely questionable behavior.
    • In the prologue, Ron is described as having a difficult time thinking of anything “that wasn’t involved with his penis, food or Quidditch.” His gluttony rarely comes up, his interest in Quidditch is mentioned only once, and his motivations towards Hermione, while not discussed, do not appear to be based on lust (given that Hermione arguably suffers from nymphomania, that part is downright hypocritical).
  • Insufferable Genius: Harry and Hermione are quick to flaunt their perfect grades and secret training sessions, though their supposed high intelligence and vast magical abilities are mostly limited to owning a pair of multi-cored “battle staves” which they never use.
  • Invincible Hero: Just about every challenge Harry faces in canon is rewritten to remove any fault or inconvenience from Harry’s part. The most notable is the treatment of Umbridge in Harry’s fifth year. Instead of being an antagonist, she is secretly on his side, carefully constructing her punishments so they help rather than hinder him.
  • Kick the Dog: Harry manipulates Ginny into believing that he was falling in love with her for the last two years, altering her memories so she remembers him kissing her, confessing his feelings, and promising to return. He then proceeds to insult her repeatedly in front of an entire assembly, flaunt his marriage to Hermione in front of her, and invoke her life debt so that she will literally DIE if she tries to contact him again.
  • Laser-Guided Amnesia: Even more so than Lockhart in the actual books, Memory Charms are Harry’s and Hermione’s go-to spell.
  • Law of Disproportionate Response: Hermione’s mother is more upset that a boy was mean to her daughter than that her daughter was nearly killed by a troll.
  • Magic A Is Magic A: Averted:
    • The life debts are very inconsistent, unless one assumes that the rules are, “Whenever the author wants Harry or Hermione to be able to have someone do something for them, some leap of logic will forge a life debt that allows them to demand whatever they want from the victim.”
      • Hermione owes one to Harry for saving her from the troll. It is strongly implied that neither of them have any say in the matter. She appears to be able to decide how to repay the debt (via oral sex), regardless of Harry’s wishes. No one else ever is.
      • She does not owe one to Ron, because he was indirectly responsible for Hermione being in danger in the first place.
      • Ron owes Hermione what may or may not be a life debt for indirectly putting her in danger.
      • Ginny and Arthur owe Harry life debts, despite him being indirectly responsible for them being in danger.
      • Ron outright saves Harry’s life, yet does not appear to have accrued a life debt.
      • Narcissa saves Harry’s life, yet does not appear to have accrued a life debt.
      • Despite life debts appearing to be a force of nature, Harry manages to argue the entire goblin race into owing him a life debt because if he hadn’t stopped Voldemort, they would have suffered or died under his rule.
    • The prophecy in chapter three is inconsistent as well. They declare that this type of prophecy will happen no matter what they do, but they then feel the need to actively assist the prophecy in coming true. Similarly, when traveling through time, Snape lays out exactly what Harry and Hermione must do, down to the minute, despite the fact that they are in a Stable Time Loop, so they have already done it.
    • The story also breaks from the canonical material. Percy plans on stealing magic from Muggle-borns, and Umbridge convinces Harry that she’s being on the level with him by swearing on her magic, neither of which can be done in canon.
  • Major Injury Underreaction: When the cursed locket is drowning Harry, he says it is “playing silly buggers” and is disappointed when Ron shows up to save him. Apparently Seel'vor thought that alone would be sufficient to show Harry’s power level.
  • Men Act, Women Are: Kingsley Shacklebolt introduces Harry as the “Man-Who-Won” and Hermione as the “Witch-Who-Was-With-Him”, and it all goes downhill from there.
  • Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!: Though they’re (of course) never called out on it, Harry and Hermione are directly responsible for Peter Pettigrew escaping and reviving Voldemort, resulting in hundreds if not thousands of innocent deaths, all because of a prophecy.
  • The Nicknamer: Harry devotes a surprising amount of time to creating absurd codenames for his teachers and family friends, including Grandpappy Firebird (Dumbledore), the Batman (Snape), and others. He also has an entire catalog of "hilarious" nicknames for everything from Number 4, Privet Drive (Durzkaban) to the Death Eaters (Death Nibblers).
  • No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: As per canon, Narcissa betrays Voldemort and protects Harry, putting all her faith in him that he can save her doomed family. Unlike in canon, Harry has her locked up and both her son and husband executed.
  • Pass the Popcorn: In the prologue, McGonagall conjures a bowl of popcorn and passes some to Filius and Vector when she realizes what Harry and Hermione are about to do.
  • Protagonist Centred Morality: Harry’s sense of ethics mostly applies solely to Hermione, and vice versa:
    • A good example of this occurs right after the flying car incident. Ron gets detention, Harry gets fifty points to Gryffindor for “moral fibre”. The audience is obviously supposed to think Snape is being both clever (“a true Slytherin”) and fair.
    • Oddly enough, it is discussed in the seventh chapter. Xenophilius Lovegood betrays Harry because the Death Eaters have Luna. Harry and Hermione fully admit that if Luna weren’t a friend of theirs, they would have simply killed him.
  • Puppet King: Or Puppet Minister. Although Harry denies any desire to rule Wizarding Britain when directly asked, Shacklebolt comes across as a willing puppet to him, willingly twisting all laws to cover for Harry and then pardoning him for all crimes anyway. Harry mentions sweeping changes to the government without consulting Shacklebolt and at one point orders him to imprison a man without medical aid for insulting his wife. Earlier, Harry declares that insulting his wife will be met with punishment. Whether this is him passing a law or merely threatening assault knowing that the government will not stop him, it still counts as this trope.
  • Retcon: This fic is infamous for retconning the entire series canon, mostly to assure us that Harry and Hermione were totally together from the beginning and were never actually Official Couples with Ginny and Ron. When the changes aren’t to push Harry and Hermione together, they’re to smoothe out whatever troubles the pair might face (Snape actually likes Harry, for example) or to fix other perceived “flaws” in the series.
    • Internal to the fic, the prologue has Harry and Hermione uncertain about whether Fred and George are as bad as the rest of the Weasleys. Once the story begins, it’s clear from the very beginning that they are the worst of the lot, having almost killed someone with their pranks and actively planning to cheat Harry when he makes a deal with them.
  • Rewarded as a Traitor Deserves: As per canon, Narcissa betrays Voldemort, claiming that Harry is dead, hoping that he can save Draco. Her reward? Her husband and son are both executed and she is sent to Azkaban (despite not having done anything illegal that wasn’t under duress).
  • Shipper on Deck:
    • Dumbledore, Snape, McGonagall, Sirius, Remus, and even Tonks and both sets of parents all seem to have dedicated their lives to shipping Harry and Hermione. They even help Harry and Hermione set up a secret wedding.
    • Molly Weasley, meanwhile, ships Harry/Ginny and Ron/Hermione. And for this, of course, she is irredeemably evil.
  • Sidequest: During the seventh chapter, Harry and Hermione track down and destroy the Horcruxes of forty-seven other wizards before finally getting around to going after Voldemort’s remaining Horcruxes, because of poor description.
  • Skewed Priorities:
    • Hermione’s mother is more upset that a boy insulted her daughter than that Hermione was nearly killed by a troll.
    • For some reason, Harry is concerned that the knife Wormtail uses on him isn’t very clean.
  • Smug Snake: Despite boasting nonstop about their magical prowess, Harry and Hermione mostly rely on sneak attacks in combat and make the same mistakes as their canonical counterparts despite having much more training and information, often getting their allies killed in the process.
  • Spared by the Adaptation: Remus, Tonks, and Fred all survive the final confrontation. Remus faked his and Tonks's death, and Fred was saved by Harry.
  • Stealth Parody: It’s entirely possible that the fic is this, due to the very many Immediate Self Contradictions in the text, as well as the fact that the author’s other fan fiction is kinder to the Weasley family even though he’s a Harmonian. note  With that in mind, it’s possible that Seel'vor was mocking the more insane shippers all along.
  • Technical Virgin: Despite going down on each other for years, Hermione still talks about waiting for Harry to come of age so they can have their “first time”.
  • Ungrateful Bastard: Not a single Christmas or birthday passes without Harry griping about Mrs. Weasley knitting him a sweater or Ron not spending what little money he has on expensive presents. Harry himself mostly gives cheap gag gifts while splurging on himself and Hermione, and receiving lavish gifts from the teachers.
  • White Sheep: Arthur is meant to be this to the Weasleys, as evidenced by his immediate casting of a Silencing Charm on his own family as Harry and Hermione berate them at the assembly.
  • Wrong Context Magic: Harry and Hermione are so powerful that they can no longer use regular wands, but instead have to create battle staves. Even within the fic, no one else is this powerful, not even Dumbledore and Voldemort. Oh, and they never use the staves, either.
  • You Can't Fight Fate: Harry and the others believe that not only can you not fight fate, but you must actively help it along, even when there is no advantage to doing so and every advantage to not doing so. Specifically, they get the prophecy that Wormtail will escape their custody and return to Voldemort. Not only do they accept that this will come to pass, but they also orchestrate an opening to make it easier for him, which makes no sense, since either it’s destined to happen, or it’s in their best interest to prevent it from happening.

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