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Fan Fic / Professor Riddles Chronicles

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Professor Riddle's Chronicles is a Harry Potter Crack Fic written in Russian by Пайсано, currently in progress with 54 chapters published.

Dumbledore does give Voldemort the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher in 1967. Which leads to "Professor Riddle" using algebra, chemistry, and physics to explain dark magic to his students, strengthening Hogwarts' international relationships, and constantly squabbling with Dumbledore who explains everything with The Power of Love but can't even solve a quadratic equation.

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Contains examples of:

  • A Day in the Limelight: Ted Tonks and Andromeda Black, whose love story is one of the main subplots. Quirinus Quirrell (here a Hufflepuff first year in the beginning) too.
  • Abusive Parents: Quirrell's father and Snape's father. Riddle performs a Heel–Face Brainwashing on both.
  • Acquired Situational Narcissism: Riddle's Horcrux doubles. Starting as mere shadowy creatures, they soon get snarky, selfish personalities, unite against Riddle, and demand digital rewards for their work (usually books, music, and films).
  • Actual Pacifist: Molly Prewett, who even loses points at the battle magic part of her practical DADA exam.
  • Adolf Hitlarious: Lily Evans used to be greatly offended at being called "Mudblood", but now, if it's Riddle who says it, she replies "Jawohl, mein Fuehrer!"
  • Aloof Ally: Alastor Moody, although he has nothing personally against the changed Lord Voldemort, has his own course of strategy.
  • Adaptational Heroism: Quite a lot of that.
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    • The titular character. Although he denies it all the time, and he hates it when students and the staff call him kind.
    • Bellatrix Black. She is "always interested in crime", as Riddle puts it, and she has sadistic tendencies in her character, but much Lighter and Softer than in canon.
    • The basilisk. It only wanted to take a stroll, but then saw an incredibly ugly girl in awful glasses and nearly died of fright itself.
  • Awesome Mc Coolname: William Bones Pettigrew, Peter Pettigrew's grandfather and navy commander.
  • Anchored Ship: Voldemort and Bellatrix, from Chapter 4 (when he scolds her for her provocative behavior at school) till Chapter 25.
  • Badass Grandpa: Peter Pettigrew's grandfather is a navy commander, and his grandson's scared to death of him.
  • Badass Teacher: Practically every teacher at Hogwarts, but Voldemort most of all.
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  • Befriending the Enemy: On one side, there were Lucius, Bellatrix, etc. On the other, Arthur, Molly, Ted Tonks, etc. Now, they're all united thanks to Voldemort.
  • Belated Love Epiphany: Riddle only realizes his feelings for Bellatrix after they have a serious quarrel and she begins to ignore him absolutely.
  • Big Bad Wannabe: Professor Riddle is the Dark Lord. Get it? He is the evil and mighty Dark Lord. So don't you call him kind and considerate!
  • Big, Screwed-Up Family: The Blacks. According to Bella, "Andromeda has quarrelled with their parents, the parents have quarrelled with each other, she herself has quarrelled with everyone".
  • Born in the Wrong Century: Or in the wrong decade, to be precise. Riddle thinks he and his friends should have been born about ten years earlier, and then they'd been able to take part in the World War II.
  • But Liquor Is Quicker: The last thing Riddle remembers when he wakes up with a dreadful hangover after a large Halloween party is dancing with Bellatrix Black, who was wearing a glittering robe. Riddle's own robe and his blankets are all covered with glitter. We never find out what had really happened, but still...
  • Caper Crew: Voldemort (the Mastermind and the Coordinator), Dolohov (the Partner in Crime and the Hacker), Avery (the Distraction), Rookwood (the Acquisitioner), Mulciber (the Backer).
  • The Casanova: Antonin Dolohov.
  • Catchphrase: Lucius Malfoy's "I was under Imperio!"
  • Classical Music Is Boring: Dolohov decides to freshen up the Yule Ball a bit and invites Deep Purple to Hogwarts.
  • Commitment Issues: Everyone's pushing Riddle to finally propose, but he hasn't done it yet.
  • Cool and Unusual Punishment: Moody suggests it for juvenile delinquents who attack Ted Tonks. He says: "Next time, turn these scums into rats and play football with them."
    • Riddle thinks he's subject to it. He's afraid some Light wizard must have cursed him to do good things every waking hour.
  • Covert Group: Voldemort discovers that the ideal way to make his students learn is having secret lessons at nighttime.
  • Dance of Romance: One of Bella's attempts at seduction was dancing with Riddle at the end-of-the-year celebration.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Voldemort and his Horcrux doubles. Also Bellatrix: Voldemort notices she uses Sarcasm Mode with those she loves most.
  • The Ditz: Bertha Jorkins.
  • Drowning My Sorrows: Dolohov, after filling in for Riddle for the first time.
  • Even Bad Men Love Their Mamas: Mulciber's mother (also a Parental Substitute for Riddle, Dolohov and Rookwood) is worshipped by her son and his friends.
  • Everybody Hates Mathematics: Students want to hang themselves at Riddle's DADA classes, with all these vectors and equations and functions.
  • Externally Validated Prophecy: "The stars tell me that you'll have no less than seven children," says Voldemort to Arthur Weasley.
  • The Fake Cutie: Narcissa Black, who is a High School Hustler bordering on Manipulative Bastard, but always smiles and speaks with an angelic childlike voice.
  • Fille Fatale: Bellatrix, whose robes during the first four chapters are getting suspiciously shorter after every wash. She uses every opportunity to get a detention with Riddle, and even tries to deliberately fail her DADA exam to spend more time with him.
  • Formulaic Magic: Voldemort's area of expertise.
  • Freak Lab Accident: Arthur Weasley blows up the Transfiguration classroom during a chemical experiment.
  • Freudian Trio: The Black sisters – the Id (Bellatrix), the Superego (Narcissa), and the Ego (Andromeda).
  • Green-Eyed Monster: Bella gets jealous whenever Riddle talks to... just any female, from students to Minerva McGonagall.
  • Happily Married: Mulciber, and to a Muggle woman at that!
    • It's implied Rookwood is as well.
  • Held Gaze: Bella, at Riddle. Constantly.
  • High-School Sweethearts: Ted and Andromeda. They have decided to take Riddle's advice and marry as soon as they turn seventeen.
    • Some chemistry between Lucius and Narcissa has sprung out in the later chapters too.
  • Holding Hands: Ted and Andromeda. Even during lessons, which annoyed Voldemort a lot.
  • Honorary Uncle: Quirrell insists on calling Voldemort "Uncle Tom".
  • Hot Witch: Bellatrix.
  • Inconvenient Attraction: Riddle's for Bella. He even thought it an effect of a Love Potion and considered consulting Slughorn.
  • Insecure Love Interest: Riddle's feelings as he goes with Bella to the Yule Ball, given the age difference of more than twenty years between them.
  • Interspecies Romance: Firenze once mates with a unicorn female.
  • Intimate Healing: Bella and Riddle's romance actively begins when Bella heals Riddle's injuries.
  • Is the Answer to This Question "Yes"?: Subverted. Riddle asks if there's any spell that blocks Avada, and Goyle says "There is, since you've asked about it." The answer is actually "no".
  • Intrepid Reporter: Rita Skeeter, as per canon.
  • Kiss of Life: Lampshaded by Riddle. "Mr. Weasley, Miss Prewett, ten points from Gryffindor! What have you been doing right by the Headmaster's door? And don't you tell me that Miss Prewett had fainted and you were giving her a mouth-to-mouth. Or I'll take five more points for not knowing about Ennervate."
  • Lampshaded the Obscure Reference: Voldemort (thanks to Dolohov, apparently) is very much familiar with the Soviets. But all his jokes on the subjects are completely lost on his Hogwarts colleagues, and he admits it.
  • Last-Second Word Swap: Voldemort's application. "I (am good with Cruciatus – crossed out) can get on with different people. I have an enormous experience with defending against the dark arts (and even more with using them – crossed out)."
  • Let's Wait a While: That's what Riddle tells Bella when she's fifteen.
  • Like an Old Married Couple: Riddle and Bella.
  • Love Before First Sight: Bella for Voldemort. Although he didn't turn out like she imagined him, but still.
  • Love Letter: In Chapter 26 Riddle confesses to writing one love letter and two short love notes in a week.
    • Dumbledore and Grindelwald's letter exchange via Dolohov.
  • Love-Obstructing Parents: Signus and Druella Black. Ted and Andromeda are so fed up with them that they haven't even invited Druella to their wedding. Yet, at least. And the Blacks don't yet suspect their eldest's involvement wih Riddle...
  • Magically Binding Contract: The invitation to the Yule Ball is just that, and Riddle's "Yeah, okay" counts as a positive reply.
  • Malicious Misnaming: Riddle deliberately calls Madame Maxime first Madame Petro, then Mack, then Sime.
  • Mary Sue Classic: Lampshaded In-Universe. Rita Skeeter writes about herself in the school newspaper that way ("a certain interesting blonde").
    Riddle: The Muggles call this Mary Sue. I can bet that tomorrow the "interesting blonde" will find herself in the hospital wing thanks to a certain brunette.
  • Massive Multiplayer Crossover: We meet Count Dracula, characters from Monday Begins on Saturday, several real-life historic figures, not counting the numerous allusions and quotes.
  • Merlin and Nimue: Riddle and Bella, obviously.
  • Morality Pet: Quirinus Quirrell and the Evans sisters for Professor Riddle. Lily Evans, Severus Snape, and a crowd of pre-Hogwarts Muggleborns for Bellatrix.
  • My Sister Is Off-Limits!: At first Bellatrix isn't pleased at all when she finds out Andromeda's dating Ted.
  • No Guy Wants to Be Chased: Rita Skeeter invites Igor Karkaroff to the Yule Ball eighteen times, and he's so desperate to get rid of her he tries to grab the then-thirteen-year-old Narcissa Black.
  • Non-Action Guy: Everyone from Ravenclaw. They make up for it by being really smart.
  • Obstructive Bureaucrat: Almost everyone from the Ministry of Magic.
  • Open Secret: Voldemort receives anonymous love letters... via an owl that wears a ring with the Blacks' coat-of-arms.
    • Later, Voldemort's romance with Bella is so well-known at Hogwarts that Dumbledore calls it the Great Slytherin Mystery.
    • Hogwarts' Anti-Apparition Charm is that since Dolohov cracked it in his sixth year using Dumbledore's Pensieve.
  • Overly Long Name: Voldemort never gets Dumbledore's full name right.
  • Parental Substitute: Voldemort for Quirrell.
  • Parody Episode: Lily, the Marauders, and Voldemort's Horcrux in the locket (half-seriously) act out The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
  • The Power of Love: Dumbledore and Riddle's main cause of argument. At first Voldemort refuses to admit its existence at all, but after two years at Bellatrix Black's side he finds out there is something in the old charlatan's ramblings after all...
  • Proper Lady: Minerva McGonagall. Formerly Little Miss Badass, according to Riddle.
  • Public-Domain Character: The Headmaster of Durmstrang is Vlad Țepeș. More commonly known as Count Dracula.
  • Redemption Promotion: Riddle marvels at his own scientific discoveries that he's made since starting to teach at Hogwarts and turning to the good side. His ultimate goal (because of a promise to take Petunia Evans to Hogwarts) is to find a way to turn Muggles into wizards.
  • Reference Overdosed: Try and find a chapter where there are no quotes, shout-outs, or local crossovers.
    Today evening, when everything was sorted out, the submarine left for the Barents Sea, Fyodor Semyonovich phoned Gesar, Gesar phoned Kosygin…
  • Rescue Romance: It all begins when Lucius steps in to save Narcissa from Karkaroff's advances.
    • Marseille Gassion, a part-Veela from Beauxbatons, attempts that when Voldemort saves her from trolls during the Triwizard Tournament. But Bellatrix is keeping watch!
  • Scary Surprise Party: A failed one. Riddle, Mulciber, and Rookwood give Dolohov a disguised Portkey to King's Cross, planning to first shock him and then present him with a ride on Hogwarts Express for his birthday. However, it's very hard to give Dolohov a proper shock.
  • Share Phrase: Hogwarts rule-breakers' "Thank Merlin, it's you, milord!"
  • Shipper on Deck: Practically everyone when it comes to Riddle and Bella; Dumbledore, of course, is the leader. Mulciber has already planned the couple's entire wedding and found a suitable priest – by the name of Father Brown.
  • Shipping Torpedo: Horace Slughorn makes his opinion on Voldemort/Bella quite clear in the very first chapter.
  • Some Call Me "Tim": Riddle has lots of trouble with Russian names (because they always go with patronymics). When a sea captain introduces himself as Vsevolod Gennadyevich, Riddle settles for "captain Seva".
  • Sufficiently Analyzed Magic: The way magic should be learned, according to Riddle, at least.
  • Undying Loyalty: Quirrell for Voldemort.
  • Violence Is Disturbing: For Molly Prewett. Later, for Riddle himself too.
  • White and Grey Morality: Dumbledore and Co vs. Riddle and Co. Or vice versa – it's all how you look at it.
  • With Friends Like These...: Dolohov's view of Riddle's students. He says the Death Eaters will never win with such enemies, and even less so with such friends.

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