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Fan Fic / Princess Cadance's Lonely Hearts Club Land

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Furious Funnel is the best tornado fighter in Appleoosa, but he's getting on and wants to settle down with a nice mare. There's a few problems with that though, such as the toll of years on the job making him somewhat unsavoury to look at, which hasn't helped his confidence. So he sets out to the Crystal Empire, to take part in Princess Cadance's Blindfold Weddings, where she marries ponies who've never metnote . Soon afterwards, he's married to the lovely Crop Duster, and although neither of them are perfect, they both got more than they though they deserved.


Princess Cadance's Lonely Hearts Club Land is a story in The Weedverse by Kudzuhaiku.

This story contains examples of:

  • Affectionate Nickname: Furious fairly quickly acquires "Mister Mustache" from Crop Duster. Later on, he calls her "Missus Mustache".
  • A Minor Kidroduction: The story begins with a Flash Back to Furious Funnel's childhood and the beginning of his career.
  • Analogy Backfire: Dim has a brief fit of this, after a discussion of "breaking the demon wind"note 
    Dim Dark: If the wind is such a threat, it shouldn’t just be broken, but also set ablaze and an example made of it.
  • Badass Creed: The informal Dustpuncher's Code is something of one, said as part of a toast.
    Furious Funnel: The dustpuncher’s code… here’s to lying, cheating, stealing, and drinking… if you’re going to lie, lie for a friend. If you’re going to cheat, cheat Death and dry gulch that bastard. If you’re going to steal, steal a heart. If you’re going to drink, drink with me.
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  • Badass Moustache: Furious Funnel is in possession of one.
  • Beer Goggles: While very drunk, Crop Duster reckons Furious is much more handsome.
  • Big Damn Kiss: With additional electricity, due to the pegasus magic.
  • Big Eater: Furious orders six sandwiches for his lunch. Crop Duster shares the trait, although it's first exhibited after she's starved herself for a few daysnote , so she's likely not quite as voracious normally.
  • Blow You Away: Dustpunchers are sometimes described as the pegasus equivalent of Wizards, being better trained and more powerful with their magic, and they have to be. While normal storms are vulnerable to Death by a Thousand Cuts from a weather team, dealing with tornadoes often requires just ripping open its magic. And because of how pegasus magic works, from extremely short range.
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  • Brutal Honesty: The survey demands ponies filling it in be very candid, beginning with "Are you a tribalist?"
  • Camera Fiend: Furious Funnel has a brief encounter with a horde of young ones.
  • Cannot Talk to Women: Furious has this problem, though Braeburn maintains that it's the result of his scars scaring them off. He's fine talking to fillies, but around the time they become "interesting", he becomes tongue-tied.
  • Can't Hold His Liquor: Crop Duster, due to not having much experience with it.
  • Censor Suds: After Crop Duster goes swimming while drunk, a collection of bubbles obscures her, although they aren't soap bubbles.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Furious was on the receiving end of one from his mother after he said he was going to become a tornado-wrangler, due to the danger of the career.
  • Contemplate Our Navels: Filling in the arduous survey puts Furious into an introspective mood. It gets interrupted by Blackbird. He later ends up in a similar mood after drinking tequila and taking care of the more-drunk Crop Duster. This time it's interrupted by her gas causing a Surprise Jump into the ceiling that puts him in hospital.
  • Court Mage: Dim Dark makes a brief appearance as Cadance's.
  • Cowboy: "Dustpunchers" like Furious appear to be the Equestrian equivalent, displaying the same sort of stereotypes. Furious himself is the "Working Cowboy" subtype.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Cadance has her moments.
    Crop Duster: What do we do if we get bored?
    Princess Cadance: Each other.
  • Dented Iron: The years of fighting tornadoes have left their toll on the no-longer-young Furious.
  • Dry Crusader: Princess Cadance is not looking forwards to Furious and Crop Duster's actions giving these ponies reason to petition her.
  • Ear Ache: Cadance controls a drunken Furious and Crop Duster by gripping their ears.
  • Emotion Eater: According to Furious, tornadoes can feed off fear, which actually puts weather teams at a disadvantage. If one spooks, it's likely to cause the rest to, and that gets them killed and makes the storm stronger.
  • Erotic Eating: Furious finds Crop Duster drinking tea highly stimulating.
  • Eyepatch of Power: Furious wears a brown one.
  • Famed In-Story: Furious Funnel. While he was working he largely ignored it. Crop Duster suggests he parley that into sponsorship deals with the alcohol companies near where she lives to support himself since he's retired.
  • Fantastic Racism: A question on the survey is "Would you marry outside your of your tribe?", to avoid problems there.
  • Fainting: An elderly crystal mare is overcome by the shameless, drunken display of Crop Duster and Furious.
  • Feudal Future: Sterling Gulch is a feudal area, under Lord Sterling Standard.
  • Forgiveness: Cadance emphasises the importance of this in a healthy relationship, as there'll always be fights.
  • Gasshole: Crop Duster doesn't exhibit the normal personality traits of this trope, but suffers from IBSnote , making her an Exaggerated example.
  • Handicapped Badass: Furious Funnel lost an eye in the incident that began his career as a tornado-wrangler, but it didn't stop him succeeding at that career. It's one of the factors that gets him paired with Crop Duster, she requested someone handicapped to help her confidence due to her own problems.
  • Happy Marriage Charade: Cadance confides in Crop Duster about how the first few months of her own marriage to Shining Armor had more than a few elements of this, due to the circumstances. Fortunately, after a lot of care and work, they got past it.
  • Healing Hands: Cadance's ability to do this is referenced, but she doesn't use it on Furious' head injury due to being exhausted from a very busy few days.
  • Heal It with Booze: When cramps from Crop Duster's IBS get severe, Furious procures some tequila to take the edge off.
  • I Can't Dance: Crop Duster has only ever danced with her father, because she wasn't allowed to go to the dance in her youth. Furious doesn't really know either, but is still willing to give it a good go.
  • I Have Many Names: Princess Cadance has many titles, but prefers to be called "Cadance".
  • Innocently Insensitive: The pool that Furious and Crop Duster use for drunken shenanigans is a memorial to the ponies who died under Sombra's rule.
  • Interrupted Intimacy: Just as Furious and Crop Duster are having a very tender moment, Cadance shows up. She's usually got better timing.
  • It's a Long Story: Cadance doesn't explain Dim's history when asked with this excuse. The readers know she's telling the truth.
  • Insistent Terminology: No-one is arrested on their wedding night in the Crystal Empire, they're offered a luxurious honeymoon suite for the night.
  • I Should Write a Book About This: After discovering how much better real life is than bad saddle-rippers, Crop Duster plans to write her own, about a relationship far closer to her own with Furious Funnel.
  • Laugh Themselves Sick: Furious' reaction to finally being faced with Crop Duster's gas, much to her frustration, due to her worry about it driving him away.
  • Likes Older Men: Crop Duster specifically requested an older stallion, feeling that maturity would be valuable in the kind of relationship she wants.
  • Love at First Sight: Furious is so struck by his first view of his bride that he nearly forgets to remove her blindfold. Justified in that the situation is deliberately engineered by a Love Goddess and a small army of students to cause this sort of reaction.
  • Married to the Job: Played With, Furious deliberately leaves his job behind when wanting to actually get married because it wouldn't be fair on his mare if he had two loves.
  • Motor Mouth: Big Mac is shown to be one in his youth, a significant departure from his present demeanour.
  • Must Have Caffeine: Furious is a coffee drinker, and has a low opinion of tea. Unfortunately, Crop Duster is a tea drinker.
  • My God, You Are Serious: Braeburn doesn't initially believe Furious is leaving.
  • Oh, Crap!: Both Furious and Crop Duster, once Princess Cadance interrupt their drunken fun.
  • One True Love: Crop Duster asks Princess Cadance if she and Furious are soulmates. They aren't, but Cadance reckons it doesn't really matter, they're compatible and have the potential to have a long and ridiculously happy marriage.
  • Perfectly Arranged Marriage: The intent of the mass blindfold marriages performed by Princess Cadance. It takes no small amount of effort to ensure. Furious' marriage to Crop Duster is no exception.
  • Polyamory: Although Furious isn't interested in this sort of relationship, the systems at the marriages are set up to account for those whom it is the right sort of relationship.
  • Red Baron: Furious is known as "The Pinto Pummeler" among his fanbase.
  • Sand In My Eyes: Done by proxy, but Braeburn is definitely gasping after Furious leaves, not sobbing. Honest.
  • Spot of Tea: Crop Duster is a tea drinker, to Furious' concern.
  • Surprise Jump: Furious ends up in hospital after a sudden arrival of Crop Duster's gas due to crashing into the ceiling.
  • Sympathetic Magic: A bit of mane is taken from all those who sign up for the weddings, and some magic is used. Furious, the viewpoint character, doesn't know exactly what, so neither do we, but there's nothing directly forcing love used.
  • The Teetotaler: Downplayed, but Crop Duster is this initially, due to Scare 'Em Straight tactics by her parents. Furious tells her the truth about it, and she gets over it enough to try Heal It With Booze on her cramps.
  • Thinks Like a Romance Novel: Played With, Crop Duster only really knows about "marital relations" from bad saddle-rippers. She's aware that this is not the best source of knowledge, but its still hard to shake. Fortunately, her actual experiences with Furious don't work like the stories.
  • Think Unsexy Thoughts: Furious has some problems when Crop Duster is describing the formulaic "ravishing" scenes in the bad romance novels she's been reading.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Cadance is apparently the sworn enemy of Prince Gosling. She also doesn't miss the opportunity to complement him when his name is mentioned.


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