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Fanfic / I Put On My Robe And Wizard Hat

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"I... did it... for the lawls."

In the ending moments of the Fourth Holy Grail War, certain people took a different tack to resolve the problem of the tainted grail. As a result, there was no fire that consumed Fuyuki City.

Ten years later, Shirou Urobuchi finds himself having the most harrowing day of his life. He is chased by a blue haired spearman for no reason, and his attempt to counterattack gets the school burnt down. After his life was saved by a white haired man dual wielding swords, he manages to get home, only to find Illyasviel von Einzbern nee Emiya waiting for him. She's giving him an early birthday present: her virginity. The red-haired, Internet-savvy, hungry-for-Sakura-Matou teenaged boy accepts, and soon finds his fate tied to the Emiya family, just as the Fifth Holy Grail War begins...


I Put On My Robe And Wizard Hat is a Fate/stay night Fan Fic written by Ol'Velsper. It is an attempt to reimagine the Fifth Holy Grail War in the same vein as the Interview-verse fics of The Sage of Toads. That means making people Genre Savvy, and One of Us.

The sequel, Apostles in Leather Pants, takes place not long after the first story and reimagines Tsukihime. There is also a side story, Reflection of the Kaleidoscope, that contains some what-ifs and some crossovers.


This fanfic contains examples of:

  • All Your Powers Combined: Archer and Iskandar merge their Reality Marbles.
  • Awesome, but Impractical: Shirou's father builds an almost practical chainsaw naginata. It's apparently structurally sound, but when he first tries to use it the chainsaw gets caught in his opponent's body and he's trapped.
  • Back-to-Back Badasses: Archer and Lancer vs. a horde of Zouken's familiars.
  • Battle in the Center of the Mind: Shirou is visited in his mind while he's unconscious by Myrddin, who starts giving him Training from Hell.
  • Big Bad Ensemble: Gilgamesh interferes with Zouken's offensive by forcing him to give the protagonists a reprieve when he looks to be about to overwhelm them, because Gilgamesh wants to see the full extent of their capabilities.
  • Brain Bleach: This is Lancer's response to the information provided to him by the Grail when Shirou asks his last question.
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  • Broke Your Arm Punching Out Cthulhu: Type 1. Shirou Urobuchi (The Younger) sacrifices himself to stop Angra Mainyu's manifestation, but ends up trapped in the Holy Grail and finding out he only delayed the Evil Divine Spirit.
  • Bug War / Giant Spider: The participants in the Holy Grail War vs. Zouken's nigh-endless army of insectoid and arachnid familiars.
  • Came Back Wrong: Shinji Matou, after Zouken merges what remains of Shinji's body with one of his worm familiars.
  • Canon Immigrant: Kuro-Ilya isn't the only Fate/kaleid liner PRISMA☆ILLYA character to join the fun. Miyu Edelfelt exists in the story as Miyu Inui, Shirou's half-sister on his mother's side, sibling to Arihiko Inui and Ichiko Inui, and an unintended Master of Iskander-Rider.
  • Car Fu: Rider and Saber duel on motorbikes, and then later, Rider tries to run Shirou and Saber down with a train.
  • Clap Your Hands If You Believe:
    • Rin believes that Lina Inverse is real. Thus, when she finds the info on The Other Wiki, she can't help but laugh as she finds the Magical Incantation to the Dragon Slave spell. She then uses the spell to blow up the Matou household after Archer rescues Sakura.
    • When Shirou is fighting Myrddin, Shirou realizes that because they're in his mind he can do anything he imagines and screw the rules of reality. Acting on that belief allows him to win.
    • Invoked by Ren Urobuchi. He tells Herakles to answer his prayer if there's any part of him that's really a god, and save the girl with them. This empowers Herakles enough for him to break his paralysis.
  • Combination Attack: Medea and Cú Chulainn combine their powers to use the True Sun Rune on a horde of zombies.
  • Crossover: Half of the Nasuverse. Also, Homura Akemi cameos in the epilogue. Ol'Velsper says this is a prequel to her appearance in his other work, Lyrical Chronicles.
  • Curse Cut Short: When Shinji gets hugely shown up in front of three of his fangirls, his curse gets cut short by a scene break.
  • Delaying Action
    • A company of Iskandar's soldiers distract the Counter Guardian long enough for Archer to close the hole the CG just blew in the Reality Marble and take him away from the fight. Overlaps with Hold the Line.
    • Iskandar holds off a demon trying to kill Saber, in order to buy her time to get to Shirou at the Greater Grail's position.
  • Demoted to Extra: Servant Assassin never gets summoned; Caster thinks to herself that she now has enough mana stored up to summon him right before she ends up leaving the temple. However, Assassin finally appears in the sequel.
  • Did You Just Flip Off Cthulhu?
    Archer: Fuck your bullshit, Gaia.
  • Disk-One Final Boss: Zouken.
    "Zouken was easy mode as a villain. I want to try to brush my dialogue for the harder ones." — Ol'Velsper
  • Dual Wield: In the final battle, Saber dual-wields Excalibur and Caliburn and Lancer dual-wields Gae Bolg and Fragarach.
  • Dying Declaration of Love: Saber declares her love to Shirou as she's about to hit him and Angra Mainyu with a blast from Excalibur.
  • Enemy Mine: Like with Caster in Fate/Zero, the Grail War is put on hold and everyone teams up to deal with Zouken.
  • Equivalent Exchange: Archer's ability seems limited to exchanging artifacts with similar histories. He can trade up for more potent Noble Phantasms by offering his personal Noble Phantasm: The Jewel Sword Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg.
  • Evil Twin: The Einzberns send in a dark-skinned version of Ilya as their representative in the Fifth Holy Grail War.
  • Explosive Overclocking: How Shirou defeats Worm!Shinji. He floods one of Kirutsugu's Origin Bullets with prana and shoots Shinji with it.
  • Exposition Beam: Kuro-Ilya connects her and Shirou's memories in order to quickly teach him how to take in mana from the world around him.
  • Facepalm: Archer facepalms when Sakura innocently asks him, "...was it something I said?" after causing Rin to faint with her words.
  • Fastball Special: Shirou has Herakles throw him toward Saber so he can help her out of a tight spot. Not long after, Taiga throws Shirou toward Ilya.
  • Flat "What": This is how Rin responds to Archer's Isaiah Mustafa impersonation.
  • For Want of a Nail: Archer-Urobuchi picks up the slack when Rin Tohsaka misplaces the gem stone that would serve as the catalyst to call Archer-Emiya.
  • From Bad to Worse: Zouken's familiars have started a zombie apocalypse in Fuyuki and Zouken is making his play for the Greater Grail. Everyone fighting together are barely holding him off. Then, Angra Mainyu successfully fully manifests. Which results in Alaya sending in a Counter Guardian in full-combat mode.
  • Fusion Dance: Power Booster-type. Caster temporarily absorbs Saber, whose part-dragon nature upgrades Caster's Colchis Dragon spell from a drake to a full-blown dragon.
  • Geas: Gilgamesh uses a couple of Zouken's crest worms to put him under a self-contract geas.
  • Girl-on-Girl Is Hot: Archer decides it's been a fantastic Grail War, and makes no move to separate them, when he sees Rin and Sakura fall into a compromising position.
  • Good Costume Switch: When Medusa-Rider becomes Medusa-Saver, she's wearing white.
  • Great Big Library of Everything: Archer's Reality Marble, "Infinity Library Archives."
  • Grievous Harm with a Body:
    • Saber impales a zombie with her sword. She then swings her sword overhead to hammer-blow another zombie with the still impaled body.
    • Lancer swings a centipede impaled on his spear to attack the other monsters surrounding him using its many apparently-pointy legs.
  • Guile Hero: Taiga's grandfather Raiga Fujimura. When asked for help with the Zombie Apocalypse he says that he can't take direct action because of the Tohno. After Taiga and company leave he fires 15 of his guards along with his assistant of 15 years with obvious excuses. When the assistant asks about his severance pay Raiga tells him to help himself to anything in the armory and that Taiga is currently recruiting "temporary workers."
  • Happily Married: Kirutsugu and Taiga.
  • Heroic Sacrifice:
    • Caster pins down Angra Mainyu so he'll be hit by what's apparently a falling holy mountain, and gets hit as well. She releases Saber from their Fusion Dance and sends her away with some appropriately dramatic final words.
    • Soon after, Shirou grabs Angra Mainyu in a grapple lock so Saber can hit them with Excalibur.
  • Hive Mind: Zouken's worms are connected this way.
  • Hold the Line: A company of Iskandar's soldiers distract the Counter Guardian long enough for Archer to close the hole the CG just blew in the Reality Marble and take him away from the fight. Overlaps with Delaying Action.
  • Idiosyncratic Episode Naming: All chapters except for the first and the last three are named after Dungeons & Dragons spells; specifically, Wizard or Sorcerer spells.
  • In Spite of a Nail: Despite no fire, Avalon is inserted into Shirou in order to keep him from being overwhelmed by the awakening of his magic circuits.
  • Instant Expert: The Noble Phantasms Archer creates give anyone who wields them the knowledge of how to use them properly.
  • Invisibility Cloak: One of the functions of Tarnhelm is to allow the wearer to become invisible.
  • Irony: Kuro-Ilya believes the Urobuchis to be nobility and calls Shirou "Sir Urobuchi," to which Shirou protests, "I'm not a Sir." Later, Saber knights Shirou under the authority of King Arthur, meaning he now is, in fact, a Sir.
  • It Amused Me: Shirou tells Lancer he asked about Rei Ayanami "for the lawls," though it's really more a matter of his thoughts going haywire at the time. Later, Myrddin claims to be sending giant rocks at Shirou "for the lulz"; in actuality it's a combination of this and to test the worth of the man Arturia is serving.
  • Just in Time:
    • Kuro-Illya and Herakles arrive just in time to save Ren Urobuchi, Saber, and Illya from a horde of zombies.
    • Miyu accidentally triggers a Servant summoning spell, just in time to call forth a replacement Rider-class who takes down the zombies chasing her. Not just any Rider class, either, but Iskander from the Fourth Grail War.
    • Iskandar arrives just in time to save Saber from being squeezed to death.
  • Laughing Mad: Shinji in a moment of lucidity after he's been turned into a zombie.
  • Mafia Princess: As per canon, Taiga Emiya nee Fujimura is the granddaughter of a Yakuza boss.
  • Mana Drain: The Matou magecraft is based around absorption, so Sakura and each of Zouken's worms can drain od and prana from people nearby. Enough worms in one place can even paralyze a Heroic Spirit.
  • Murder the Hypotenuse: When Ilya dumps him, Shinji orders Rider to kill Shirou. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't know that Shirou is a Master or that Archer makes use of Medusa for his own plans.
  • My Skull Runneth Over: Because all of the worms are connected through the Hive Mind, when one gets shot with an Origin bullet they all die. Shinji is also connected and experiences all of their deaths simultaneously. It's more information than he can handle and drives him insane. Shirou later specifically compares it to a DDoS attack.
  • Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!: Kiritsugu sabotaged Fuyuki's ley lines to prevent the Greater Grail from manifesting. Unfortunately, he neglected to tell anyone else he did. So, when Archer enacts his plan to ascend Medusa and exorcise Zouken from Sakura, the damaged ley lines overload, causing the earthquake that nearly levels Fuyuki and unleashing Zouken's familiars into the populace.
  • Oh, Crap!: Shirou's reaction to the opening move of Myrddin's training.
  • Person of Mass Destruction: The Counter Guardian completely destroys around 250 copies of Rho Aias in the first shot, then breaks through the rest more gradually once he's slowed down.
  • Removing the Head or Destroying the Brain: The zombies have to be killed this way.
  • Resist the Beast: Ilya tells Shirou to run away because she can't stop herself from trying to kill him under Angra Mainyu's influence.
  • Rousing Speech: Shirou adapts the 40 Inspirational Speeches in 2 Minutes video to convince Kuro-Ilya to fight against Zouken's plot. It captivates Saber, as well, to the exasperation of those who know what Shirou's doing.
  • Rule of Funny: Discussed by Archer and Rider, and mentioned by name by the former, when Rin and Sakura fall and Rin defies physics to end up with her head in Sakura's cleavage under Sakura's already too-tight shirt.
  • Sealed Evil in a Duel: Implied to be Shirou Urobuchi's fate in the epilogue.
  • Selective Magnetism: Shirou's first command spell to "get over here," strengthened by Ilya having somehow cut off Saber's magic resistance at the time, forces Saber to remain wihin a certain distance of Shirou. Initially Played for Laughs, but exploited during their first battle to get Shirou safely onto the motorcycle from the sidecar.
  • Set Right What Once Went Wrong: Heroic Spirit UROBUCHI's goal, even though his original timeline would still exist. Apparently Fuyuki City was totally destroyed in his Fifth Holy Grail War and Rin died at the hands of Zouken.
  • She Is All Grown Up: Ilya has a teenaged body in this storyline.
  • Shout-Out: The other main ingredient besides Rule of Cool.
    • The third chapter starts right out with Archer saying "My little Master can't be this lame!"
    • Archer demonstrating his Reality Marble to Rin has him adapting the Isaiah Mustafa Old Spice commercials.
    • Shirou's family name is from Gen Urobuchi, the writer from nitro+ responsible for Fate/Zero.
    • To Puella Magi Madoka Magica: Shirou's father Ren often mutters something about heat death for some reason. Myrddin says he won't make Shirou wear a Magical Girl outfit and save the Universe from heat death.
    • Rider stumbles upon a yellow Vespa in her search for a motorbike.
    • While executing his plan to rescue Sakura, Archer uses the codename Snake and has a cardboard box with him. He also tells her, "Come with me if you want to live."
    • What the hell are you doing, you motherfuckers?! Used twice.
    • The penis-shaped worms in the Matou basement remind Ilya of the La Blue Girl anime.note  She used to be into the show and loaned the videos to Shinji.
    • Shirou uses Za Warudo to counter a sudden bear attack in his mindscape. When the bear's dead, the "Flawless victory" sound bite plays.
    • Rin, in her newfound Internet wisdom, beseeches Jean-Luc Picard to help her through a tiresome situation.
    • Shirou's mindscape experience is evocative of a situation in Bleach: In a cave, a trolltastic figure is helping the hero in the frame of three "lessons." Lesson Three is basically a "Try not to die" test. The hero is losing badly when the setting changes arund him and a vision of a helpful third party appears in front of him. The new figure gives him the mindset to properly use his power, the setting returns, and the hero defeats the teacher.
    • Myrddin makes a reference while testing Shirou. He uses the lyrics to "We Will Rock You", ending with "Queen Sign" and the chorus, as an aria for a spell that sends rocks of all sizes at Shirou.
    • Shirou responds in kind when he comes back from the "Tiger Dojo." He starts ignoring physics (see Clap Your Hands If You Believe above) and Myrddin gleefully asks what's going on:
      Shirou Urobuchi: Hax Sign: You Just Plain Fucking Lose.
    • The incantation for the ritual to turn Medusa into her younger self is an English translation of the lyrics to "Uninstall" by Chiaki Ishikawa, the opening song to Bokurano.
    • Lancer appears and interrupts Kuzuki in the style of Kanye West's interruption of Taylor Swift at the Grammys.
    • To Gears of War: Shirou has in his bedroom figurines of heavily armored men wielding chainsaw swords.
    • While defending his reasons for holding back on his Reality Marble, Archer laments on how some of his friends would react. The Witch would flay him alive, The Librarian would sic the worms on him, and the last would slice him to pieces with paper.
    • To Ranma ½:
      "I' Urobuchi," The white haired man nervously chuckled. He closed his eyes as he dipped his head. "Sorry about this?"
    • Pegasus does a Star Fox 64-style "barrel roll" to dodge an attack.
    • To convince Saber to fight with him (and not stab him in the back), Shirou says that Saber shouldn't believe in Kititsugu, but "Believe in me that believes in Kiritsugu!" To emphasize the shout out, Shirou then copies what Simon says when he declares that he isn't Kamina.
      "Who the hell do you think I am? My name is Shirou Urobuchi!" His hands lashed out and grabbed onto the king's own, causing a spark to run up Arturia's hands. Only Irisviel had really been touchy with her during the Fourth War. "Not Kiritsugu Emiya! I'm me! Shirou the Wizard!"
    • After Shirou tells Caren about his life, Caren asks what answer Shirou got from it. His answer is forty-two.
    • After Kuro-Iliya mentions to Miyu that her water magic hasn't developed enough to heal people, Miyu asks if Kuro-Ilya "ever thought of clapping and then slamming your palms into the gro-"
      Kuro-Illya: Alchemy. Does. Not. Work. That. Way.
    • When Taiga and Kiritsugu are riding in Gordius Wheel with Iskandar, Taiga says, "Bring me closer so I can hit them with my sword!", a reference to Warhammer 40,000's "Drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword!"
    • "And no one ate dinner that night."
    • To The Legend of Zelda: As they're preparing to charge on Zouken's army at dawn for the final battle, Archer comes up to Shirou and says, "Hey, it's dangerous to go alone. Here, take this," referencing a meme that arose from the game.
    • To Fate/stay night: Lancer says he refuses to die when he's killed.note  His Battle Continuation skill backs up his claim.
    • The epilogue contains a "score card" of Shirou's and Archer's achievements, and half of them are references:
      "Shirou and Archer's Excellent Adventure" Score Card:
      "Eye of the Taiga Dojo Survivalist" Achievement Unlocked.
      "[s]Card Games[/s]Servant Duels on Motorcycles" Achievement Unlocked.
      "Knight Rider" stage - S rank.
      Resident Evil – Fuyuki City Route Opened.
    • Waver notices Miyu is carrying a copy of Battle Moon Wars and offers to play with her after things settle down. Later, after Iskander leaves Waver in charge to make sure things run smoothly, Waver says "...well, I'll be over here trying to get us a Battle Mastery." Then the epilogue includes the line, '"Super Servant Wars" stage – Battle Mastery attained!' It should be noted that Battle Moon Wars is a fan-made Fate/stay night game, based on Super Robot Wars, among other things, so this is a double reference.
    • "Useless beast! ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!" from chapter 18, Disillusionment I... to no avail against Taiga and Kuzuki Souichirou.
  • Shown Their Work: The author gives appropriate nods throughout the Fan Fic to the Servants' respective legends, as well as Nasu's data books.
  • Something Only They Would Say: Kuro-Ilya and Herakles test Shirou's claim that he's Ren Urobuchi's son by asking him what weapon his father uses. Shirou guesses his dad made the chainsaw naginata they always talk about, which is the right answer.
  • Spared by the Adaptation: Implied for all the innocents who would've died in the great fire that didn't happen in the current timeline. Played straight for Kiritsugu and Bazett, who are also alive.
  • Suspiciously Specific Denial: Shirou finds Myrddin's claim of what he won't do to Shirou to be suspiciously specific.
  • Sword Plant: Saber plants her sword in the floor after her initial strike at Kiritsugu.
  • Taking You with Me: Shirou gets stabbed by Angra Mainyu and is going to die anyway, so he grabs his attacker so Saber can hit them with Excalibur.
  • This Was His True Form: Turns out Heroic Spirit UROBUCHI was using the Jeweled Sword of Zelretch in order to take the form of Counter Guardian EMIYA. When it becomes a Broken Phantasm due to the overflow of mana, he reverts to his natural form and loses access to numerous abilities.
  • Three Lines, Some Waiting: In the first stage of the final battle, there are three groups of protagonists: Rin, Sakura, Archer, and Medusa-Saver; Ilya, Taiga, Bazett, Lancer, Caster, and Kuzuki; and Shirou, Saber, Kiritsugu, and Caren. While the third group are convincing Kuro-Illyasviel and Herakles to join them, the second group enlist the help of 15 yakuza men from Taiga's grandfather. The first and second groups meet up at the final battle site, but then Lancer and Archer split off from the group to act as a vanguard, so there are still three lines at that point. There is some waiting between scenes for each group, and some crossover between the first and second's points of view.
  • Title Drop: In the final chapter.
  • Training from Hell: Shirou endures some from Myrddin in his mind while he's unconscious.
  • Tsundere: Lampshaded in Rin by Rider.
  • Upgrade Artifact: The Noble Phantasms Archer creates can give whomever's wielding them the knowledge of how to use them properly, with minimal experience required to physically get used to using them.
  • Voluntary Shapeshifting: One of the functions of Tarnhelm is to allow the wearer to shapeshift.
  • What the Hell, Hero?: Rin's reaction to finding out Archer's backup plan is to use Medusa-Saver to purify the Grail by killing her and letting her cancel out Angra Mainyu.
  • Zettai Ryouiki: Shirou lampshades Rin's zettai ryouiki outfit the first time they meet in-story.
  • Zombie Apocalypse: The result of Zouken's familiars spreading across Fuyuki through the sewer system.


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