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Best Damn Titanic

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Best Damn Titanic is a Titanic (1997) Fan Fic that parodies the film. The plot of the fic is pretty much the same as the film, but with an absurd, humorous take.


  • Affectionate Nickname: Several.
    • Brock calls Lewis "Fatty."
    • Jack calls Fabrizio "Fabby".
    • Cal calls Spicer Lovejoy "Spicey".
    • Captain Smith is called "Cappy".
    • Olaf and Sven are called "Ikea" and "Smorgasbord".
  • Alliterative Name: In Chapter 12, Jesus gives passengers nicknames like "Betting Betty" and "Gambling Gabe".
  • Ambiguous Situation: It's not clear if Olaf and Sven are speaking Swedish and it's being translated into English for the reader, or if they're speaking English and Jack is just failing to recognize it as such like he is with Fabrizio.
  • Anachronism Stew: The fic has a bunch of these. They're all Played for Laughs.
    • Instead of "Come Josephine", Rose sings "The Best Damn Thing" by Avril Lavigne.
    • The story takes place in 1912 but the characters have Galaxy S4 cellphones, which weren't invented until 2013.
    • Jack says that Rose wouldn't last a day in Nazi Germany, although the story takes place in 1912 and Nazi German didn't happen until the 40s. This one may seem unintentional, but it's acknowledged and lampshaded by Rose.
  • As Long as It Sounds Foreign: Parodied. Fabrizo's "Italian" is just random English phrases about things related to Italian-American culture.
    "SORRY? YOU'RE SORRY? YOU DISRESPECT MY MEAT-A-BALLS AND THEN THINK YOU CAN JUST SAY YOU'RE SORRY?" he screamed, outraged. His English then turned to Italian, like it always does when he gets angry. He's my bestie, so I know. "ENDLESS BREADSTICKS AND SALAD COMBO!"
  • Bizarre Taste in Food: Rose asks her granddaughter to make her a peanut butter and roast beef sandwich.
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: Happens several times.
    He was crouching over Tommy and, according to the script, watching the life flow out over all the decks. That was a disgusting way to put it.
  • Catchphrase: "I was right", which Molly only says once in film, becomes her favorite phrase here.
  • Comically Missing the Point: When Lovejoy slips the diamond in Jack's pocket to frame him, Jack thinks Cal and Lovejoy are hiring him and that the diamond is a "signing bonus".
  • Conditioned to Accept Horror: Jesus describes many gruesome things very casually.
  • Emotional Language Shift: Much like in the film, Fabrizio yells in Italian when excited, although here it's just "[sic] MAMA MIA!".
  • First-Person Perspective: The entire fic is told in first person.
  • Flash Forward: Much like the film, the fic occasionally takes us to "present day".
  • Foreshadowing: In Chapter 10, a man leans against a pole wearing a sandwich board that says "GET A LIFEBOAT" on one side and "OR EVEN FLOATING DEBRIS, LIKE A DOOR. A DOOR CAN EASILY HOLD TWO PEOPLE" on the other.
  • Funetik Aksent: Used several times.
    Cal: Rose is displeased... what to DEW..."
  • Gibberish of Love: We get this gem in Chapter 10:
    ''"Rose!" I shouted, pulling her into a hug. "sodfijdoifj!" she said. She kind of whimpered it like a sad dog. I hoped Lightoller wouldn't hear it and come running.
  • God: The fic keeps randomly switching to Jesus Christ's POV.
  • Hammerspace: In Chapter 12, Cal pulls a megaphone out of nowhere.
  • It's All About Me: Parodied. Rose is constantly complaining to the reader about her life, which, by how she describes it, is luxurious.
  • Language Barrier:
    • Parodied. Rose can't understand when people are "speaking Poor".
    • Played straight in Chapter 6. Fabrizio can't communicate with Ikea and Smorgasbord due to him being Italian and them being Swedish.
  • Leaning on the Fourth Wall: Happens in Chapter 5.
    Fatty: You're the worst storyteller that has ever lived! Ever! I've read fanfictions that tell a better story than you do!
    Rose: Are you saying what I went through could be compared to a fanfic?
  • Literal-Minded: Jack's response to Rose's "You jump, I jump, right?"
    Jack: Riiiiiight. I just thought it was more like, you jump onto the lifeboat, I jump onto a plank of wood or something to meet with you later.
  • Never Learned to Read: Discussed. Rose is impressed that Jack "knew letters".
  • Obligatory Swearing: The characters swear a lot more in this fic than they do in the movie.
  • Only Known by Their Nickname:
    • Fabrizio is usually called "Fabby".
    • Lewis is almost exclusively called "Fatty; we only see his real name twice in the entire fic.
  • Organ Autonomy: We briefly see Jack's penis's POV in Chapter 5.
  • Overcrank: The distorted voice Rose hears when waiting for rescue is depicted by jumbles of letters here.
  • Parental Substitute: Molly is this for Jack.
  • Parody: Clearly a mockery of the movie.
  • Please Wake Up: Exaggerated. Like in the movie, Rose tries to wake Jack up when he dies, but here she starts yelling at him for "sleeping" and even punches him in an attempt to wake him up.
  • Quiet Cry for Help: When Jack realizes that the ship is going to sink with him cuffed to the pole, he starts writing "HELP" on the window with his nose.
  • Rouge Angles of Satin: Done intentionally, with Jack occasionally misspelling words in the narration.
    I was imprest.
  • Shout-Out: The characters constantly make pop culture references to movies and shows that didn't even exist when the fic takes place, such as The Lion King (1994) and Friends.
  • Skewed Priorities: When Rose sees Officer Lowe grabbing corpses and checking for signs of life, her first thought is how unsanitary this is.
  • Suddenly Shouting: Characters go from talking normally to yelling in all caps in the blink of an eye.
  • Swallow the Key: Lovejoy swallows the key after cuffing Jack to the pole.
  • Switching P.O.V.: The story constantly switches POVS between different characters.
  • That Came Out Wrong: In the first chapter we get this gem:
    So then Lizzy went off to make my sandwich and I went off to make my pot. Pottery. Not marijuana. I don't do that stuff.
  • That's What She Said: Cal yells this from the suite when Jack says "Whoa! That was a long one!" upon seeing a shooting star.
  • Think in Text: Thoughts are often in italics.
  • This Is Gonna Suck: Rose when she sees the iceberg.
    Rose: Jack? I think some shit is going down.
  • Took a Level in Jerkass: Rose is meaner here than she is in the movie, even swearing at little children.
  • Translation Convention: Presumably what is happening with Olaf and Sven in the first chapter. Their dialogue is written in English, with the tags "said in Swedish".
  • Wish Upon a Shooting Star: Jack and Rose see these in the third chapter.
  • You No Take Candle: Fabrizio talks like this when he's not shouting random "Italian" phrases.
    Fabrizio: We go! We go now! We see Statue of Liberty! Very big now! Rome!
  • Your Mom: When Rose says Cal's comeback doesn't count because it was "too easy", Jack replies "YOUR MUM IS EASY!"

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