Darth Wiki / Useless Notes

Useless Notes on a variety of subjects.

The purpose of these is three-fold:

1. To enforce, or even top, common media stereotypes.
2. To base silly factoids from tropes on this site.
3. There is no three.
4. To play around with Hollywood History, Hollywood Science, and other such tropes.
5. To just have fun.

This doesn't mean you just post any random factoid. Since this is a site about tropes, please try to keep any of these notes related to a trope or established page here. Also, unless it's based on Vulgar Humor or any related trope, let's keep the vulgarity to a minimum, please.

Compare Things We Have Learnt from Media, only that is what media has taught us, while this is things we are trying to teach others, sort of.

Contrast Useful Notes.

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Categories:

Medicine & Psychology

• There are only two kinds of autistic people: socially inept geniuses, and the mentally disabled.
  • And the socially inept mentally disabled geniuses. (Hi!)
• Throughout human history, dental care has always been perfect. Everybody has always had nice white teeth. There have never been any reported cases of tooth decay.
• It's perfectly safe to shoot people in the arms or legs. In fact, it's safe to shoot them anywhere so long as you don't really mean it.
• Dreams follow everyday logic, just without all the denial and stuff. When you dream about the past, it's all going to be in a chronological, rational, and accurate way--as if you were trying to give an imaginary witness a little window into your soul. Also, it's OK for two people to have exactly the same well-ordered, chronological dream about the past ''at the same time''.
• Tomatoes cure all wounds. And injuries can be prevented by gold.
• Remember, promising cake to someone and then trying to bake them is a way to convey your love to them.
• Leeches will solve all medical problems, from the common cold to homosexuality.
• Freud was right. So was Jung.
• All psychologists have German accents, smoke a pipe, and want to know how everything makes you feel.
  • Also, you were sexually abused and repressed those memories. I'm going to relax with some cocaine, now.
• If you die, your body will disappear in the matter of seconds.
  • Otherwise, your body will detonate itself and release all of its blood.
• It is possible to revive someone who has just died by weeping and letting your tears drop on their face.
  • Or by electrocuting them.
  • Or kissing them.
• Dreams never include content which would be banned when shown in public.
• Concussion causes one of the eyes to spin clockwise and the other eye counter-clockwise. It can get you high.
• If your friend has amnesia, just give him/her a blow to the head. Sure enough, he/she would be back to normal within a few minutes.
  • Similarly, a blow to the head can induce amnesia. Another blow will cure the victim.
• People can always speak even in moments before dying.
• It's easy to strangle anyone, even to death, in less than 5 seconds.
• Landing a large fall is harmful or nearly fatal. However, hitting your head or slamming into a wall is perfectly safe even at very high speeds.
  • When you land, you'll make a hole shaped exactly like yourself.
  • As stated above, large falls are harmful...unless you fall into deep water. You'll be completely fine.
• The human body is among the densest materials known to science. Upon contact with a body of water deeper than six inches, one will immediately sink to the bottom and drown.
  • Alternatively, the body will instead completely dissolve within seconds.
• If you get stabbed in a vital area, all you have to do is pull it out and throw it at your attacker. It will heal in only 1 hour.
• If you're poisoned, don't worry. You'll recover fully if someone pours some antidote down your throat (or injects you with it, or whatever), even if you're at the verge of death. If you find out who poisoned you, look for them because they probably have an antidote.
  • On a similar vein, poison only affects you when you move. Staying still while another person gets you an antidote is the best way to stay alive. Some variants of poison also lose their effect after a specific amount of time, so even without an antidote, you'll still live. Lastly, people would know you are poisoned when your skin complexion changes to either green or purple.
• Anything labeled organic is automatically healthy. Organic sugar? Sure, go right ahead, shovel spoonfuls of it into your mouth, it's good for you!
• If food causes cancer in rats, that always means it is guaranteed to cause cancer in a species that is vastly different than rats in terms of genetic structure, like humans.
• Meat found in a dark cave is perfectly safe to eat, and is, in fact, able to heal even the gravest wounds instantly.
  • Likewise, you can find food even on places unlikely to have it as metal drums. It will also be safe to eat.
• Suicide is only committed by drama queens who don't care about anyone else. And hammy French police officers with gorgeous baritone voices.
• Medicines almost never have side effects, but if it does have one, you'll get them.
• Eating food cures all wounds!
  • As does sleeping at inns.
• The astrological symbol for Mercury is used as an alternative to Mars and Venus to represent genderqueerness. Autists are more likely to present as genderqueer than their allist counterparts. And, of course, vaccines contain mercury... ergo?
• We only use 0.1% of our brains. Of the remaining 99%, 20% is suppressed by the government through gay nanobots in the tap water, and the other 40% is our untapped psychic powers (but which we accidentally use now and then, and that's why psychics are real!).

Religion

• The Bible, Genesis 1:3: "And God pressed up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right,, and there was light."
  • Then he pressed Down, Down/Right, Right, Punch and declared the light with a hadouken.
  • The King Dedede Version of the Bible states that:
    • In the beginning, there was nothing.
    • God said "Let there be light".
    • There was light.
    • God said "Let there be sound".
    • There was sound.
    • God said "Let there be drums".
    • There were drums.
    • God said "Let there be guitar".
    • There was guitar.
    • God said "Let there be rock".
    • (guitar solo)
  • John 1:1: In the beginning was the Word, because God always calls his attacks. (But for Him, Talking Is a Free Action.)
    • Then everything exploded because it looks cool.
    • And then everything fell on everybody.
  • In the beginning, there was the Word. And 'the Bird' was the Word.
    • Yea, the Word was beholden unto Him, and Grease was the Word, was the Time, was the Place, was the Way He was feeling.
    • "Twas the rock n roll creation/Twas a terrible big bang/Twas the ultimate mutation/Yin was looking for his yang/And he looked and he saw that it was good!"
• "You say your prayers and thump your Bible but it didn't get you anywhere. You talk about your Psalms, you talk about your John 3:16- Austin 3:16 says 'I just whooped your ass!'"
• "Ezekiel 25:17: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you."
• Angel is Jesus, Spike is St. Peter, Buffy and/or Cordelia may be Mary Magdalene, Lorne is St. Thomas, and Marcus Hamilton is either Caiaphas the High Priest or Pontius Pilate.
  • And Brian from Monty Python's Life of Brian is Jesus. Also, Chu-Chu from Xenogears was the most poignant and convincing Christ figure I've ever seen in any medium, including the New Testament.
• Neither Good nor Evil will ever triumph over one another, as the forces of good have a plan in place to defeat any plan the villains could put into play, while the forces of evil plan to be defeated in order to advance their evil goals.
• Roman Catholicism is the only Christian denomination in the world. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a heretic and shall be burned at the stake.
  • And Jack Chick is actually part of the Catholic Ancient Conspiracy which he writes about (how else would he know so much about it?), sowing discord and confusion among... well, everyone.
    • The above troper is also part of the Catholic Ancient Conspiracy.
• God is a jealous god, and is never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you.
  • Actually, He might make you cry, and is all but certainly going to hurt you.
• God was one of us. Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus trying to make His way home.
  • If God had a face, what would he look like? Morgan Freeman.
• The one true religion is Mormonism, everyone else goes to Hell no matter how good they were in life. But, Heaven actually isn't such a great place to be, and Hell isn't really so bad.
  • But God is a Buddhist. He doesn't believe in Himself.
    • Before creation of heaven, God was an atheist.
• God speaks English. Specifically, American English.
  • David Bowie was right. God is an American.
    • If that statement starts to chill you after a couple of moments' consideration, then don't be alarmed. A feeling of intense and crushing religious terror at the concept indicates only that you are still sane
  • And Satan is a Brit, simply because they're evil.
    • Alternatively, God speaks the Queen's English and Satan has an accent that just sounds evil.
• All Arabs are Muslim, and All Muslims Are Arab.
  • And anyone who looks brown and wears a turban is a Muslim. Sikhs don't exist.
  • All Arabs and Muslims are terrorists, just like Fox News has told you.
• Yet We go together. Like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong.
• Ey, Norway neighbors Hell.
  • Alternatively, Hell and Siberia are the same place.
• Even if there is no God or Buddha, there is Kamen Rider.
• The Old Testament does not exist, unless we're talking about homosexuality.
• God made the Devil just for fun. When He wanted the real thing, He made Aja Kong!
• "Soon I discovered that this rock thing was true/Jerry Lee Lewis was the Devil/Jesus was a carpenter previous to his career as a prophet/all of a sudden I found myself in love with the world/so there was only one thing that I could do/was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long"
• The End Times are always near. Every time the date of the end of the world and The Rapture comes and goes without anything happening, it's just because the Southern Baptist pastor who swore that was the date just forgot to Carry the One in his complex mathematical equation. He's sure to get it right next time.
  • Meanwhile, Mayan Doomsday actually was going to happen on December 21st 2012, but was stopped by the Doctor, who had to defeat the same aliens who contacted the Mayans back in the day.
• "Jesus loves me, he loves me a bunch, because he put Skippy in my lunch!"
• No matter what sort of Godforsaken evil thing it might be, silver can kill it. And if that doesn't work, try fire. And if that still doesn't work, use both at once.
• Those who falter and those who fall must pay the price. And so it must be, for so it is written on the doorway to Paradise!
• God loves all his children, but he loves Protestants more than Catholics.
• Evolution is a religion.
• I take the Fifth Commandment!
• David uses Slingshot against Goliath. It's Super Effective!
• Agnostics are just weak sauce Atheists.
• Eef aaanyone does not rove tha Lowd Jeesus Chwise, ret him be ac-cused. O Lowd, come, AAAmennn. ^Translation If anyone does not love the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be accused! O Lord, come! Amen!
• You don't never, never look a gift horse in the mouth.
• As the good book says; 'Payback's a bitch!'
• If anything in your society's religious text of choice seems immoral, contradictory, or unfactual, please find a roundabout definition of "belief" that lets you see nothing wrong with believing in it.
• All people with even the slightest amount of religious belief are unquestioning and gullible fundamentalist zealots who idolize 1950s Americana.
• Atheists are all incredibly smug, fedora-wearing mysoginistic teenagers who only believe what they do because of some tragedy in their life, and/or they just haven't heard of your specific version of your religion before.

Music

• Keith Richards is a daywalker.
  • So is David Bowie.
    • David Bowie didn't die, he just went back home.
• FREE BIRD!!
• Metal is nothing but angry Norsemen screaming into a microphone about burning churches while smashing drums andmurdering guitars while praising Satan.
  • And raping children.
  • Rap is nothing but angry gangstas talking about sex and drugs and violence.
  • And listening to the above genres of music will cause you to do all of those things.
    • It will also cause you to perform a Columbine-style attack against your classmates, especially if you listen to Marilyn Manson.
• FREE BIRD!!
• Punk is nothing but death and crime and the rage of a beast!
• Nothing made before The '60s is good, and that's being generous.
  • And The Beatles was the only band around back then. They were totally original, and they invented rock.
  • Everything made in The '60s was extremely high-quality and original, and all of it topped the charts back then.
• Elvis was a fat dude who did nothing but dance like Forrest Gump and end every phrase with "Uh-huh huh, thankyouverymuch!".
  • And then he went home.
• FREE BIRD!!
• Wangsty emo teenagers only listen to Linkin Park.
• Jazz and classical music? It's the same thing.
• The older a music genre gets the more dignified it becomes. After it's been around for about forty years it stops being the devil's music and becomes a respectable style to be taught in schools.
• Nirvana was the only grunge band ever.
• Kraftwerk is secretly plotting to Take Over the World with a massive robot army that they've been building in their top-secret Kling Klang Studios since the 1970's, as revenge for young people forgetting that they invented every new style of music to come out in the last 40 years. And they'll be programmed to take out anybody named Sarah Connor, you know, just in case.
  • Daft Punk are rogue robots trying to undo Kraftwerk's deeds by giving us some robot rock!
• FREE B--ow ow OW! Okay, okay, I'll stop, I swear!
• Anything recorded more than five years before your birth or after you've turned 25 is crap not worth listening to.
  • Yes, all past music was nothing but classic hits that you hear today! There were never any bad bands that got lots of unwarranted attention, no gimmicky technology or instruments used, and no annoyingly catchy yet stupid songs. Sucks for your generation.
  • Unless you're autistic, in which case there's a 1 in 10 chance your musical tastes are all centered around a highly prolific 80s band no-one has ever heard of. (And their regroupings under five different names, and their solo discographies, and their stunts as producer for other 80s bands even less people have heard of, and uncredited guest work for other 80s bands even less less people have heard of. Negative people. And the only other people you can find who talk about the band are men in their 40s.)
• The majority of people listen to only one genre of music.
• !luaP deirub I
• "Weird Al" Yankovic made every funny song ever, especially the really raunchy sexual ones.
  • And actually until about five years ago none of his songs were parodies, they were all just original funny songs.
• As time goes on music becomes more and more corrupt, and all about sex and drugs. Music was much more wholesome and drug-free back in the days of the Beatles and Jimi Hendrix, or back even further to Louis Armstrong and Cab Calloway. They never sang about drugs like singers today do.
• "DISCO FEVER, DISCO FEVER, DISCO FEVER, YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH"
• Every piece of music originating from the south of England and all the ones from London begin with a Minsky Pickup, whether it's a cockney knees-up dance or Henry Purcell's symphonies. Not the north, though. That was The Beatles and The Who and all the rest of them (regardless of the fact that The Who are actually from London), they didn't use that tune.
  • The second verse of the British national anthem is 'Supercalafragicilisticexpialidocious', but they don't sing it much due to the Soundtrack Dissonance. It's also very fast and not fair on any non-Britons that might be present and don't know the words.
• Rap existed in 1912. Maybe even the 18th Century.
• Without Silly Love Songs, the entire music industry as we know it would collapse.
• Music is entirely about emotion, and good musicians are passionate ones. Music theory doesn't exist.
• Anybody who listens to classical music is either a nerd or a snob. People who attend classical concerts and operas only do so because it's "cultured" and "fashionable".
• People who study music theory are both nerds and snobs, especially if they study classical techniques such as voice leading and harmonic phrasing. If they think that your three chord Silly Love Song is unoriginal, or your angsty Break Up Song that endlessly repeats the same four chords with little variation is boring and trite, you should remind them that it's not the content of the music, but the context and emotions backing it that's important.
• Beethoven Was an Alien Spy. He was also Gaius Julius Caesar and Leonardo da Vinci.
• Richard Wagner's music is not worth listening to, since he was a proto-Nazi and Hitler liked his works.
  • The only context in which "The Flight of the Valkyries" is worth listening to is during combined tank and aerial warfare.
• Remember, no Stairway.
  • Denied!
• If you ever sample a bassline and a few piano stabs from another song, you're a disingenuous hack and you literally stole the entire song start-to-finish, but no-one born after Y2K will ever defend you because your lyrics contain such masterpieces as "Cooking MCs like a pound of bacon."

Military & Warfare

• If you're skilled and badass enough, you can easily and single-handedly defeat dozens of enemies at once. It doesn't matter if you just rush into combat guns-blazing without any real strategy or tactics to take on a large horde of expendable enemies who overwhelmingly outnumber you; they're all useless and no match for you.
  • Hell, if you're expert in acrobatics and melee combat, you can easily dispose of enemies who wield ranged weapons, logic be damned.
  • Dodging the enemies' attacks is not too difficult. Even if you do get injured, it's rarely serious and you'll likely recover in a short amount of time.
• Soldiers can't actually shoot anyone — well, at least not anyone who matters.
• Attaching a small tube to the barrel of any gun will make it completely silent. This includes, but is not limited to, rocket launchers.
• If a bullet makes contact with a human body, the body will instantly cease to function, even if the bullet only grazed its little toe... unless it hits the shoulder, as mentioned above.
• Under the Time-Space Preservation Act of 2089, it is illegal to assassinate Adolf Hitler on or before April 30, 1945.
• It takes less time to tell your life story than it takes to throw a jab.
• On the other end of the spectrum, Japanese martial artists fight by telling their life stories and explaining how each and every one of their attacks work at great length. Well, they do throw a punch or two, but in the end, victory usually goes to the first one to bore his opponent to death.
• In hand-to-hand unarmed combat, your ears are an important asset for gauging whether you are winning. A whoosh means you missed, a deep thud means it didn't hit hard enough to matter (unless your opponent then retches; then you have killed), and a crunch, whip-crack, or other noticeably loud noise means it did. The louder you yell, the harder you will hit. However, unless you happen to be Bruce Lee or one of his 50,000+ government-authorized clones, exaggerated high-pitched yells will only telegraph that you are not a good fighter.
• Giant, bipedal robots are the most effective weapon in any situation, time, or universe. Likewise, a bigger robot is always better, Square-Cube Law be damned.
  • Vehicles with more than two legs are even better.
  • Very well trained people can be sent to counter these machines, special mention goes to those who studied at The School of the Undefeated of the East.
• When in doubt, just punch, slash or cast kickass magic (depending on the genre) with incredible anger and will. The power of hot blood and determination and rage makes you win by default. You, too, can get into your fearsome Berserk Mode through jiggling with your brain chemistry or mindless maiming of your puppies and friends.
• If one red military vehicle takes on one hundred differently-colored vehicles of the same model, the red one will win.
  • If the opposing vehicles are blue, however...
  • A red colored vehicle is guaranteed to be three times faster than all the other vehicles.
• Nuclear bombs are the the main cause of giant radioactive dinosaurs.
  • And throwing them into the sun is the main cause of evil supermen.
• The more your clothing resembles that of any of your allies, the more likely you are to die in battle. If you're wearing a uniform with no customisation, it's probably quicker to just stay at home and shoot yourself.
• When heading to battle, you're quite fine not wearing any protective armor. In fact, wearing it gets you killed faster. If you lose while wearing said armor, it's not because you might have failed to choose your battles and the opponent resulted being Crazy-Prepared or a better planner, and it's not because you got overconfident in your gear, it's clearly the fault of the armor itself. The solution is 'wear less of it' or 'fight naked' not 'wear better armor'.
  • If you're female, armour may be worn, but only if it's shaped specifically to parade your considerable curves and fails to protect your forearms, thighs, midriff or any other easy target. Also make sure to wear the highest heels you can find.
• It makes perfect sense to bring a katana or some kind of sword into battle even though your enemies are equipped with rocket launchers, heavy machine guns, and assault rifles.
  • Melee weapons, in general, deal more damage than ranged weapons. Bigger blades, of course, deal more damage in addition to looking really cool and badass. Unless, of course, your opponent has a a gun that's as big as your sword's blade.
• As a general rule, all combat can be avoided by hiding oneself inside a small bush, cardboard box or similar article which shouldn't move without assistance. If you avoid being directly in someone's path or moving while being observed, this is foolproof.
  • In addition, guards only move in a predictable pattern and have extremely limited field of vision. Having a limited field of vision is also true for security cameras. As long as these factors are considered, one can sneak inside even the most heavily guarded fortress with little difficulty.
• Being arbitrarily designated a 'boss' is a superior form of protection to any armour.
• When the good guy gets into a fight with a bad guy, the good guy will always win. Don't worry if the bad guy appears to have 30 kg more of muscle or has extreme martial arts training. The Unstoppable Rage of being right always wins even if you weigh 55 kg and sit in front of a computer all day.
• Battlefields are divided into squares. Soldiers, depending on specialty, can move in an arbitrary pattern along the battlefield. Religious figures also get involved and move diagonally. Women are the most powerful soldiers on Earth.
  • Alternate form of grid-based battlefields: The number of squares of the grid you can cover in a standard amount of time is inversely proportional to the size of your unit. Which is a shame, because the fast ones all have rubbish attacks. Standing on certain areas of terrain will cause magic-like effects on the battlefield.
• Face-covering helmets pose a dire combat risk to the wearer.
• Bikinis made of body armor are quite practical, but only for women. For men, full-body armor is required.
• Many battles can be won easily with a game controller.
• One of the more common space fighter formations a small group of fighters following each other in a sine-wave like pattern.
• Any psychopath can join the military, and they are often rewarded for their psychopathic tendencies.
• The more projectiles someone can fire, the less noise they make.
• Most monsters and mythical beasts have the decency to wait for their turn while exchanging blows in a fight with you.
• Always assume that the leader in any military force is the strongest soldier. In fact, to be promoted, a soldier must be able to at least eliminate an army or defeat his commanding officer.
• Every war has good guys and bad guys. The good guys always win.
• The safest place to stand when being fired upon is behind a metal railing. At no point will the bullets pass between the railings. Instead, they will strictly make contact with the metal, producing lots of noise and sparks. Just make sure that the railing is greater than waist height.
• In any unarmed battle, you are guaranteed victory if you employ the 1004 Holds, particularly the "Armbar!".
• Weapons aren't only welcomed, they're allowed
• "AND HERE COMES NEW JACK!"
• Cream pies and cheese graters are all perfectly acceptable weapons.
• Anything can be a weapon, so long as you use it in the right way.
• When your opponent is transforming into their ultimate form, which will power them up enough to easily defeat you, you must sit and wait for their lengthy transformation process to be complete.
  • This is especially true if your opponent is a Magical Girl.
• Pikemen never actually used their pikes, instead fighting with their shoulders as their preferred weapons.
• Only knights were able to ride horses and wear armour in the middle ages.
• The best form of stealth is by hiding under cardboard boxes.
• Only the villains have infantry. The heroes do their own fighting.
• There are only two types of martial arts, karate and kung fu. And they're actually pretty much interchangeable.
• There is no such thing as guerrilla fighting. All armies fight face-to-face.
• In man-to-man combat, if one party is being beaten sufficiently badly then the enemy's blows will suddenly stop affecting them for a brief period to let them get up again. The laws of physics enforce fair play.
• Jumping on your enemies is a tried and tested tactic. Professionals have tested this!
• If you are a princess, wear your favorite Pimped-Out Dress and ermine wrap while going into battle. Even if you aren't directly kicking ass, it's still expected of royalty to always look their best.
• You can get various states of crippling injuries in a fight and still be able to continue fighting, until you hear the words "Finish Him!". Whoever dealt the most damage between you and your enemy when these words are heard gets to land the filling blow which is required to be as flashy and brutal as possible.
• Having a disability will not stop a person from kicking ass and taking names especially if the disability is the source of your superpower and prevents you from being affected by one or more negative effects that can be used against you. Blind people deserve special mention because they can become more proficient at using weapons than people who can see.
• Similarly to the meat example above if you're piloting a vehicle as a large mech, spacecraft, plane, etc. you may find how either defeated enemies leave behind stuff as oil, tools, weapons, etc. or it's hidden elsewhere. Some of them as oil will repair instantly it, even when heavily damaged while weapons will be instantly installed to your vehicle and you can use them with no problems at all.

Astronomy

• A ray of sunlight is made up of many atoms.
  • All you of Earth are idiots!
    • And Earth girls are easy.
• All planets which could conceivably support life through any means, even technological ones, are exactly like the more comfortable parts of Earth.
• When stargazing without a telescope and with two people, one must point one of their hands in the sky while smiling with mouth open.
• As you get closer to the sun, it becomes dimmer and it gets easier to see its features without being blinded like you would be on Earth.
  • The sun also has a face, which most of the time smiles.
• Space travel is rather easy and fun because planets are just a few kilometers away from earth and since sound travels just fine, people can actually open the windows of their spacecraft and talk to each other and to other passing space travelers. Just be sure to be wary of traveling through an asteroid belt and possibly being hit by rocks the size of vans, or those pesky black holes that come out of nowhere and suck everything.
• The planets orbit along visible white lines going around the sun. They keep the planets from falling down into space.
• The moon is made of cheese and was formed by the curdling of milk coming from the Milky Way, and like the sun, it has a sentient face on it. It also harbors life, consisting of a civilization of acrobats in tights whose one weakness is being hit with an umbrella.
  • And that cheese is a cartoony green.
  • The moon can support life due to an atmosphere and near-earth gravity that makes it a perfect location for fantastical pre-historic utopian moon kingdoms and evil mages bent on conquering the earth one monster at a time alike.
  • When the moon goes through its phases and becomes a crescent, it actually physically changes shape. Scientists sometimes attribute this phenomenon to its cheese-covered surface being eaten by space mice.
• The rings on Saturn are solid, and you would be able to walk on them.
• People who pronounce Uranus "Yer-uhn-us" are just too embarrassed to say "Your anus", which is the true pronunciation.
• Pluto actually experiences emotions, and was greatly depressed when the humans on Earth stopped calling it a planet.
  • Astronomers declared Pluto to not be a planet for the sole purpose of spiting everyone else. It has nothing to do with consistency of the definition of a "planet," and Ceres does not exist, nor any trans-Neptunian objects besides Pluto. Pluto is also the outermost thing in the Solar System.
• There is controversial scientific debate over whether boys or girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.
  • But Mars is most definitely the origins of man. Venus is of course where women originated. This is why the pyramids point to them.
• "There is no dark side of the moon. It's all dark, really."
• "It's the nexus of the crisis/And the origin of storms"
• 'There's a starman waiting in the sky/He'd like to come and meet us but he's afraid he'll blow our minds'
• "Well it's all right/Love is what you want/Flying saucer take me away/Give me your daughter"
• Venus And Mars Are Alright Tonight
• Poland cannot into space.
• The sunrise is always scarlet red in Japan.
• Stars are the sentinels keeping watching in the night, filling the night with order and light. They know their place in the sky, they know their course and their aim, and each in their season returns and returns, and is always the same. And if they fall as Lucifer fell, they fall in flames.
  • Yes you heard right, "shooting stars" are actual stars falling out of the sky. It's a lucky thing stars are so small. About the size of a dime, actually.
• Venus cannot be seen from Mars, as Earth obstructs its view.
• At some point in time, all the planets will line up nice and neatly, causing random things to happen on Earth. Whether Pluto joins this event or not depends entirely on when the prophecy was written.

Meteorology

• Snowflakes are always larger than 1cm and still either in perfectly hexagonal shape or resemble ball shape. When snowflakes are in hexagonal form, they have a tendency to face you in a way that the surface area that can be seen, is always at maximum.
  • When magnified 1000 times under a microscope you will be able to find tiny civilizations living on every snowflake.
• The minimum rain intensity is at least 1 millimeter per minute.
  • "Mama told me when it rains it pours/She never mentioned dead bodies, dead bodies/Mama told me when it rains it pours/La dee da, da da dee, la da dee, dead bodies"
• It is always either rain or snow. Neither of the things known as sleet exist.
  • Nor does hail, unless it's relevant to the plot.
• Clouds can just fade in from thin air to cover the whole sky without needing to form from small clouds or travel from the distance.
• Wind often produces visible white lines.
• Strong winds can be recognized by a howling sound. Foliage rubbing against itself never creates any sounds during windy times.
• Lightning Can Do Anything, such as make non-sentient robots sentient or raise the dead.
• The chances of it raining increases exponentially whenever someone is sad. It's even more likely to start raining if there's a funeral. However, if the sadness ends, the weather is likely to clear up.
  • Epic battles also tend to cause massive downpours.
  • People wondering how things can get any worse are the leading cause of sudden downpours.
• Tornadoes are living entities that prey on trailer parks and mobile homes, and have the ability to roar. You'll be fine as long as you Do Not Touch the Funnel Cloud. If you do you'll be teleported to Oz.
• "I CAN SLAM A TORNADO! I CAN DRY UP A SEA!"
• Clouds are solid. You can walk and jump on them.
• Bad winter weather? Must be the work of a witch!
• It rains cherry blossom petals in Japan.
• The fact that it still gets cold in some places on Earth is proof that Global Warming is a lie.
• The sun has a smiley face with sunglasses on it, and clouds have frowny faces. Thunderclouds have angry faces.

Paleontology

• Dinosaurs are not extinct and are, oddly enough, often found on remote tropical islands or hidden tropical lands found only in the most remote parts of the South Pole.
  • They also hang around in swamps near volcanoes a lot.
  • As well as in great subterranean lands, deep underneath the earth.
• Dragons and dinosaurs are the same thing. Some dinosaurs were actually able to breathe fire.
• Dinosaurs were alive at the same time as Woolly Mammoths, Sabre-tooth Tigers, and of course, humans. Though this does go without saying, since they're still not extinct everywhere in the world. This makes The Flintstones much more scientifically accurate than scientists want you to believe.
  • By the way, woolly mammoths, pterodactyls and sabertooth tigers are dinosaurs as well.
    • Any animal that is extinct is a dinosaur.
• Cavemen hunted dinosaurs, during the age of the dinosaurs the world was covered in deserts, jungles and swamps, pterosaurs are actually all flying dinosaurs called pterodactyls and were all a cross between a Pteranodon and Rhamphorhynchus, Velociraptors were six feet tall with no feathers, and the dinosaurs lived one million years ago.
• Many dinosaurs survived extinction by migrating into The Great Valley.
• Evolution occurs when an animal reaches a new Power Level, causing it to instantly morph into a completely different species.
• If you were to go back in time to the dinosaur age, you would only see famous dinosaurs. You wouldn't see anything that hasn't been discovered as a fossil yet.
• Human meat is apparently like cat nip to Tyrannosaurs. Whenever they meet time-traveling humans or are cloned in modern times, they're likely to pass up even a Triceratops carcass just to chase and devour a human.
• Mammals survived the asteroid impact 65 million years ago by hiding inside Tyrannosaur skulls, so that millions of years later their descendants could depict them dramatically climbing out at the end of their dinosaur documentaries.
• All feathered dinosaurs lived in China.
• Cars with stone wheels can run on foot power. Just don't buy the ribs.
• "Open the door get on the floor/Everybody walk the dinosaur"
• After the end of the dinosaur age, there was no life on Earth for almost 65 million years, until the ice age began and humans, woolly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers suddenly appeared.
• Whatever is currently considered scientifically accurate about dinosaurs will never change. Paleontologists in the past with different ideas about dinosaurs were idiots.
  • By 2050, dinosaur nerds will be laughing at the silly 2010's with their feathered dinosaurs. Didn't they know dinosaurs had hair and breathed fire? Idiots.

Biology

• Herbivorous animals are always nice and gentle. Any human could walk up too close to deer, buffaloes, hippos, elephants, etc. and they won't ever get scared or pissed off by you.
  • Carnivorous animals are (almost) always evil (well, except for dogs, (maybe) cats, and a select few good ones). Predators eat other animals not because they need meat to survive (which they don't), but because they're savage murderers who kill For the Evulz.
    • However, ANY species of wild animal can be tamed and used as pets by humans. Even lions, tigers, bears, wolves, etc. are really just overgrown puppies. Support the exotic pet trade, it's not like it's bad for wildlife conservation or public safety!
• There are many types of jellyfish that produce electricity. Jellyfish do not have polyp and planula forms.
• Exposing any sort of creature to radiation will not kill it, but rather mutate it into a larger and more powerful form. This is especially true for dinosaurs living near Japan.
• Any organism can have its genes spliced with another to create a mutant hybrid, with no ill effects or imperfections.
  • Said genes can also be removed or swapped with others, again, with no no problems.
  • But pig and elephant genes just won't splice.
• Animals who talk, wear clothes, and generally act like people are perfectly normal.
  • 90% of the Internet wants to have sex with these animals.
• A single gene is more than enough to identify exactly who the DNA came from.
• Human beings have at least 100 chromosome pairs, not 23, because the number of chromosomes is directly proportional to the complexity of an organism.
• "Soldier Genes" can be taken from a sample to create a superior clone of a soldier, while the inferior genes leave the other twin clone with blond hair and a British accent. The DNA can also be used to enhance supersoldiers. An upper skull and spine can survive being removed from a body and grafted to an exoskeleton.
• The bones in the human body are made of an as-of-yet-undiscovered-yet-incredibly-durable material. Except for the head, so you can hit someone as hard as you want anywhere else because the worst they'll suffer is maybe a broken bone and most likely they'll just get a sprain.
• Evolutionary psychology is right. We're constantly thinking of how we can have more children. This is why we never use contraceptives. It's also why women are the devil.
• Large breasts are scientifically proven to make you want to dress in latex and fight crime. And go into archaeology.
• Dead trees can stand for centuries, especially if they're around swamps and haunted places.
• Clams are not filter feeders. They use pearls as a bait.
• Sliding is faster than running.
  • So is rolling.
• The deeper into the ocean you go, the bigger the fish get.
  • The bigger the fish get, the more teeth they possess
    • No matter how deep you go, there is Always a Bigger Fish
• Whales use blowholes just to produce fountain of water.
• It's religious persecution that this folder hasn't been replaced by the Religion folder.
• Hyenas are just dogs with a hunchback.
• Since they fly, bats are not in fact mammals, but rather part of a new class of animals.
  • Bats are actually a type of bug.
• If you're a test tube baby, "you're not human, baby, you're not human. Hey man, go back to Jupiter or Mars. You don't belong on this planet, baby."
• When people swallow bugs, it's no accident. Most invertebrates have an instinct to enter human bodies through orifices.
  • This goes double if the bugs are extraterrestrial, in which case they will find some way to the brain and begin mind-controlling the victim.
  • And if the thought of something creepy crawly going inside you is disturbing, don't worry. Sometimes cats will leap into your mouth instead, so you'll have something soft and cuddly going inside you.
• A breed is a species, and Labradors and poodles can't have children.
• Primates can communicate in fluent English through sign language and convenient subtitling.
• Animals are just humans but poetic and inspirational, meaning they can have autism, which is doubly poetic and inspirational.

Other Sciences

• Though the Government Conspiracy (and the MythBusters) don't want you to know it, ordinary household chemicals can be turned into Applied Phlebotinum which can do everything from create massive fireballs to make you insane (though superpowered) if you just add a little food coloring.
  • Unfortunately, it is impossible to reliably replicate these results, so don't lose them.
  • However, you'll have to figure out the ingredients on your own.
• Erupting volcanoes cannot harm you with contact or exposure to the resulting rocks and ashes, because those rarely actually appear. The lava flow, as well, cannot hurt you unless you touch it. The exception to this rule is the partially molten rocks that hit the ground starting from a one-half-mile radius of the volcano.
• Exposure to radiation and other allegedly dangerous conditions will in fact lead to the development of various sweet new abilities. Want to stand out from the crowd? Then get irradiated!
  • These superpowers almost never come with a drawback.
• An example from ballistics: bullet impacts generate enough momentum to propel targets backwards. The distance the victim is propelled increases in proportion to their level of seniority in any evil organisation they may belong to, which floor of the building they are on, proximity to plate glass windows and sassiness of the shooter's preceding one-liner.
• Science works better when you shout.
• The majority of gemstones found weigh about 100 to 2000 carats. The largest gemstones often exceed the size of a car.
• It is possible to get propelled 20 meters into air by jumping on a board with a short spring underneath it.
• The Theory of Relativity can be disproven by throwing a lorry into reverse.
• Drops of water or any liquid are shaped like a hemisphere from the lower side and deformed cones on the upper side.
• Large chimneys next to nuclear power plants emit poisonous acidic gases.
• To pick up an item one should just touch it or walk over it, and being inside a vehicle doesn't cause any problems either.
• When something makes a metallic or hollow "ding" sound, it cannot be destroyed in the method that was tried on it.
  • Derived from the above theory: A given object can be destroyed by a set, specific number of methods and none other.
• A cubic meter of glass is much more fragile than a cubic meter of sandstone or limestone.
• Dark matter is visible and colored black.
  • It's also very strong and used in making some of the powerful advancements to weapons or items, or is just plain magical and unique.
• Lasers fired from guns can be dodged. Similarly, it can be used as cutting tools of various shapes and sizes.
• You ''can'' fly, you just have to sing a climactic power ballad.
  • Or if you walk of a cliff and don't look down!

Culture & People

• See the Stereotypes page for more information. Every generalization you see is 100% true for every single member of any particular group of people.
• Everyone is able to speak English, regardless of country, time period, or planet. Any other "language" is just nonsense designed to confuse and mess with you.
  • If they're a foreigner, the only possible difference in their speech is another accent or dialect (though it's safe to assume that everyone sounds either American or British by default).
    • Everyone in ancient and medieval times sounded like an English aristocrat.
• Only the most important people in the world have names. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a terrorist.
• The more kind and friendly a person is, the more likely they will kill you if you push them too hard.
• If you can think of a problem, Batman has already come up with a solution for it.
• Sometimes, it's okay to root for a likable killer, or even if they're not so likable.
  • It's also okay for ladies to love dangerous, sociopathic men if they at least look handsome and charming.
• Nurses are always sexy, no matter what. Unless they're the Joker in drag. Even then, some people may still find it sexy.
  • Or Nurse Ratched.
• Justice is not blind. She's cross-eyed.
• If anyone sounds like they have a really convincing American accent, they're probably faking it.
• Native people are either magic or cruel. Sometimes both. There's no such thing as a Native person who lives in a city and has a job. Native Americans, who all live in tipis, may be distinguished by their dramatic feathered war-bonnets, which everyone wears constantly, even while indoors. When not attacking the tribe next door (warpaint and uluating war cries obligatory), they carve totem poles, care for their scalp collections, and hold rain dances. Fortunately for them, all of tribes across the vast North American continent share a single language^note This is also true of Australia, in which "hello" is "How" ^好 In fact, that'd be closer to Chinese and the rest is either broken English in which the suffix "um" is added to every verb and the phrase "heap big" comes up a lot, or just gibberish best conveyed by speaking English and reversing the sound on the tape. Also, 90% of Native people are men, of whom 99% are warriors and 1% medicine men.
  • Warrior or magic man, every single word they say will be simple yet honest wisdom. So much their mere presence provokes hallucinations involving magic animals.
  • Also, every native man wears only a loincloth, in every climate from the Canadian winter to the Amazon. Native women wear either a Fur Bikini or, more often, a buckskin dress. Native men regard pants as unmanly.
  • Racist caricatures and stereotypes of Native Americans are more acceptable than those of Blacks or Jews because there are fewer people left to complain about them.
• When in doubt in an argument, compare your opponent to the Nazis. Automatic victory guaranteed.
  • Remember, people whose political affiliations are different from yours are Commie Nazis .
• Heroes come in groups of five, unless they're part of a trio.
  • Or a trio of five?
  • To create a group of four heroes, pour the trio into the five-o twice, leaving one hero in the trio. Empty the five-o, then pour the one hero into the five-o, refill the trio, and pour the three in the trio into the one in the five-o. This leaves four in the five and an emptied three; in other words, forty-five minus three, which is forty-two. Q.E.D.
• Elvis lives. He is the President. He will always be the President.
• All Germans Are Nazis even to this day, and if they say they aren't, they're lying.
  • Germany today consists of 5% ethnic Germans and 95% Syrian refugees.
• All Canadians live in igloos and live on only donuts, poutine, maple syrup, and the flesh of Mooses. Most Canadians are ice fishers (they export the fish, they don't consider it nearly as tasty or nutritious as Moose). Particularly rich and successful Canadians reinforce their igloos with copious numbers of Celine Dion cds.
  • They also all only drink Molson beer and the only restaurants are all Tim Horton's Donuts.
  • Shoes do not exist in Canada. Everyone wears skates at all times.
• All Africans are beautiful refugees who are stuck living in displaced persons camps despite having deceased millionaire fathers who were in the oil business. They're willing to share these millions with the first naive, lovesick American they find on a dating website (or email out of the blue, without ever having met the person they're emailing), as long as the American first gives them their name, address, phone number, credit card number and social security number.
  • Also, everyone has a distant millionaire relative in Africa too. When they die someone will randomly email you telling you that you're inheriting all their wealth. ^note As long as you give them your name, address, phone number, credit card number and social security number.
  • "Hasa Diga Eebowai".
• All Britons strive to imitate a toff every time they speak. Their diet consists solely of tea, crumpets and roast beef, they have poor oral hygiene and consider three television episodes a complete series. Everyone in Britain either is a butler, or has a butler (occasionally both). The traditional forms of British entertainment are cricket, fox hunting and complaining about foreigners. With the exception of their young women and the occasional man, they're all evil, but at least they're not as evil as their Nazi-like ancestors. It rains in Britain, every single day.
  • Scotland is composed entirely of hill, mountain and moorland, covered in waste swathes of heather, except for Glasgow (and Edinburgh, and Glastonbury). All Scots are either angry drunks or amiable sheep farmers. Tartan is mandatory. Every morning, all Scotsmen rise from bed, march to the top of a mountain and bellow "Freeedooommmmmm!".
  • Wales is an English county. Cirnwall, however, is its own country.
• Everybody in Ireland is either a leprechaun, boxer, bartender, priest, cop, gangster, or terrorist. They only consume beer and whiskey instead of water, and their national currency is the Guinness pint.
• Everyone living south of the US-Mexico border, even as far south as Argentina, are Mexican. They all speak Spanish and have brown skin, so they must all be the same nationality, right?
  • And actual Spaniards are descended from immigrants from Mexico, where the Spanish language has its origins. They swam across the Atlantic Ocean looking for jobs. This is why Spain is exactly like Mexico in every way.
  • Everyone wants to emigrate north. Eventually the entire Western Hemisphere will be unpopulated except for Canada, where volunteer border patrols will shoot^note (snowballs, of course) at American immigrants looking for a job harvesting maple syrup.
  • Here's one for your history class! The only white people from Spain came to America long ago looking for a City of Gold. Some of them sound British.
• Everyone in Russia works for the KGB in some way, be they a superspy or simply an assassin. There are no other occupations in Russia, which helps to explain the terrible state of their economy. It should be noted that while the Russian women also work for the KGB, they can be convinced to change sides by any reasonably attractive foreigner.
  • Similar to how there are no non-KGB occupations in Russia, there is also nothing to drink there except vodka.
  • Russia has only two geographical and climate zones. One is Moscow, where the weather is always cloudy but mild, enabling the best view of its only landmark◊. This building is named St. Basil's but is also often called the Kremlin and houses the entire Russian government (itself an alternate name for the KGB). Meanwhile, everything outside of Moscow is Siberia. Siberia contains only trees, political prisoners, and a year-round blanket of several feet of snow, and the temperature never rises above -40.
• There is one basic culture, and a culture which is not your own is basically the same except for a few differences in food and television.
  • There are exceptions, such as Japan, but America is more culture-neutral than any other country.
• All Africans and Middle Easterners circumcise their daughters. They don't circumcise their sons. Except Israelis, where you can reverse that.
• All bigots are white, and are also antisemites, even if they've never even heard of Jews.
• Your current government leader is evil and desecrating everything your country stands for. Or, they're the best leader EVER. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just mistaken and just needs convincing.
  • Likewise, the title of "Antichrist" has been passed down from president to president in the U.S. since George Washington, though only people with different political views than the president in office can see it.
  • Similarly, every president since Hitler died is his reincarnation. Again, only people who oppose their political opinions know this and try to warn everyone else by adding Hitler's famous moustache to pictures of the president. Unfortunately, Hitler's spirit can't be killed and will just take over the next president's body.
• Japan is still bitter towards the US over losing World War II, and are retaliating by turning innocent white American children into rice-munching, cosplaying, Pokemon-playing otakus so that when they bomb Pearl Harbor again every American under the age of 25 will join in the overthrow of the US government. The Gratuitous Japanese trope names on This Very Wiki is evidence of their scheme.
• Also in Japan, card games intended for young players have images of blood and gore, religious symbols, lynching,domestic violence, and masochism. It is thus rather silly to assume anyone would make very high wagers on such games.
• Prior to The VJ Day Kiss of August 14, 1945, all Asian people were evil. All Chinese people were monstrous, evil-moustached, if gentlemanly, Diabolical Masterminds who ran Opium Dens. All Japanese people were creepily-bespectacled, buck-toothed killers who said "Velly solly" constantly. After The VJ Day Kiss, everything changed; Asians were magically transformed into friendlier math and computer/electronics whizzes, martial arts experts, or hot, sexually available women.
• Kicking other people's *sses always ensures a healthy social life.
• YOU SUCK.
• Anyone with global domination intentions says this intention out loud and looks evil. They always break the laws to achieve their goals instead of using those laws to their advantage.
• Everyone in the world speaks English, they just have different accents depending on what country they're from.
• Western culture is the most advanced and progressive in the world. Anyone else who is as advanced is just copying from the west.
• Alternatively, the Middle East or China the most advanced. Either way, Sub-Saharan Africa or pre-Columbian America don't count as civilizations.
• The Troubles are basically a bunch of good Irish freedom lovers fighting the evil British imperialists. And anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is obviously one of the before mentioned evil British imperialists. Or one of their Nazi allies.
• Americans are always the good guys. If a country that isn't America gets involved in a foreign war, it's evil imperialism, but if America gets involved in a foreign war, it's so that small nations might be free.
• The Nazis and the Soviets were allies.
• Fair skin + black hair = eeeeeeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiil.
• All teenage girls are part of a love triangle during part of their adolescence. But don't worry, it's just a phase, they'll choose a suitor by the end of the series.
• Ancient Romans had British accents
• Both royalty and aristocracy dressed (and still dress) 24/7/365 with heavy, jewel-encrusted crowns, very rich and fancy dresses that need up to hours to be put and removed even with servants, and long, flowing capes not to mention other stuff as scepters, etc.
• Furries are people who either want to fuck in a fursuit, or insist they were incorrectly put into a human body due to a celestial clerical error and they are actually a fictional character manifest in reality. To make this way simpler, anyone who identifies as a furry but doesn't treat it like a hardcore fetish falls into the latter category.

Safety

• If you're falling from a great height, just land in any body of water, you will survive uninjured.
• Umbrellas save the lives of thousands of falling victims per year.
• If you're trapped in a burning building and not promptly rescued, you will inevitably burst into flames. Neither smoke inhalation nor hot air will be your undoing, because fire obeys the Rule of Cool.
  • However, as long as you do not touch the fire itself, you will be fine. The same goes for incidents involving molten lava.
• The only dangerous part of a tornado is the visible funnel. As long as you avoid it, you'll be safe.
• You can't get AIDS if it's your first time. Or if you're circumcised. Or if you only did oral. Or...
• Everything causes cancer, in one way or another. You should just stop breathing because it could lead to cancer.
• Cells and cages are perfectly inescapable even when the length between bars is larger than the wideness of a captured subject.
• Don't ever utter the words "How could things get any worse?" while walking alongside the street in fancy clothing. A Roadside Wave will inevitably ensue. It's never a good idea to say those words anywhere really, as covered in the Meteorology section.
• All strangers are evil and want to mug you or kidnap children. But don't worry, you can always tell when there's a stranger nearby because they all wear trenchcoats and fedoras, and have shifty eyes.
• Doors are indestructible as long as they're not brighter than most of the doors, not glowing or cracked.
• If you get hurt, even if it's something as severe as a gunshot wound, you'll be invincible for a second or two.
• If your friend is suffering from anaphylactic shock, it's always a good idea to stab them in the heart with an Epipen.
• Everything will kill you, starting with Taz and Samoa Joe.
• All tap water is poisonous, especially in the United States where it's even worse than in Mexico because government regulations tampered with it. Better pay three dollars for a bottle of water, which corporations make sure is purified using science and stuff, and is totally not just bottled tap water.
• If you are about to fall, you will stay in the air for several seconds before plummeting to your death.

Geography

• Mountains are everywhere.
• The vast, frozen Commie Land called Russia is a mysterious geographic anomaly, simultaneously visible from Alaska (would Sarah Palin lie to you?) and bordering the Deep South of the United States (how else could they invade Georgia?). It might also be near Europe or Asia or something, according to less-than-reliable accounts.
• Most of the United States has palm trees, except for the Midwest, which looks exactly like Vancouver and New York City and Chicago, which look exactly like Toronto.
  • And if anything interesting or supernatural happens, it always happens in New York.
• Meanwhile, California is just one gigantic beach where everyone is either a movie star, a hippie, or a surfer, and everyone listens to The Beach Boys. It never rains there either.
  • Unless someone is sad.
  • Or if it would be dramatic for it to rain.
  • It's possible to see the Hollywood sign from anywhere in California.
• Florida is basically the East Coast version of California, but flatter and with more old people. And instead of earthquakes they get hurricanes.
  • Also Spaceship Earth and Cinderella's castle can be seen from anywhere.
• There is a country to the north of Europe which can be known as Britain, the UK or England. The capital city is London, where Stonehenge is. The only other city in this country is Cardiff, which is where everyone speaks with a weird version of an English accent and all the aliens are. Except the ones that are from London.
  • London consists entirely of Big Ben, St. Pauls Cathedral, The Tower Bridge, and Buckingham Palace. There's nothing else there. Also, everyone in the city dresses and acts like it's still the 1890's (while all cars are from 1930-1970, and all hairstyles, well...). Like New York and Tokyo, it's a magnet for aliens and the supernatural, and gets destroyed every couple months. Especially on Christmas.
• Greenland is almost as big as South America. Just look at any world map. Also, land tends to look more stretched out the further north you go. So whenever anyone tries to claim that Australia is the world's largest island, feel free to laugh at them.
• Texas is the largest state in the US. Some people claim it's Alaska, but if you look at any map of the US you can clearly see that Alaska is actually about half the size of California, and right next to Hawaii (which is right off the coast of California, by the way). Both states are surrounded by an odd box-like landmass.
• You can see the Eiffel Tower out of every window in France no matter where you are or which way you are facing. And France is basically just Paris.
  • In fact, it's a little known fact that the majority of France's population lives within 100 yards of the Eiffel Tower. The only people allowed to live elsewhere are wine-makers and owners of small, romantic inns in the country-side.
• Africa is all one country, except for Egypt, and possibly South Africa, that evil country where apartheid happened. Geographically, Africa has two climates. There's the vast Sahara desert, made up of endless sand dunes, pyramids, sphinxes, cacti, and the random oasis, consisting of a small pond and some palm trees (though these will rarely not be a mirage). The second climate is a dense jungle, consisting of gorillas, lions, elephants, hippos, dinosaurs, cannibal natives, and European jungle men who were raised by apes. Besides them, everyone in Africa is black, and their clothing is optional. And whenever a global pandemic arises, it comes from Africa. However, the pandemic will never reach Madagascar.
• Everyone in the Middle East is Islamic, except in Israel. Everyone's a terrorist suicide bomber in the Middle East too. And there's lots of oil everywhere, just laying around in huge black lakes. The terrain is otherwise pretty much the same as the desert part of Africa including sand dunes and pyramids and cacti, just with oil.
• South America (no, not that South America) is a big rain forest, where people make coffee beans and cocaine. There aren't really any independent countries there, at least if there are they aren't very important. Environmentalists like to whine about trees being cut down there, or something.
  • Brazil (the only country in South America), is a primitive Banana Republic whose capital is Buenos Aires. Like all Mexicans, they speak Spanish and all have brown skin. They live in jungles and villages full of monkeys, snakes, and drug dealers. Men wear big sombreros and ponchos, take long naps in the middle of the street and drink tequila. Women walk around naked showing their well-trimmed pubic hair and dance flamenco. Olé!
• Asia is just China and Japan. Though there isn't that big of a difference between them - The moment you cross the Bosphorus, it's all pagodas all the way. Japan makes electronics and anime, China makes toys tainted with lead paint. It's covered in jungle and bamboo, and populated by pandas, tigers, and people in those funny flat round hats with the point in the middle of them. If you were to dig straight down through the Earth you would end up in China, no matter where you start digging. Everyone knows karate there, and rarely does a day go by where some karate riot doesn't break out in a city where there are two rival martial arts schools. At least until Godzilla arrives and destroys everyone.
  • Vietnam (a Chinese country) was destroyed by Rambo, Chuck Norris and Dr Manhattan in the Seventies, so it doesn't exist anymore.
  • Korea suddenly came into existence when that song with incomprehensible lyrics came out. Oh, and something about a nuclear crisis of some sort.
• In Australia, the land is populated by aborigines, kangaroos, koalas, alligators, Tasmanian Devils, poisonous tarantulas and scorpions, maybe the occasional giant bird, and plenty of other creatures that can't wait to kill you. Besides the aborigines you've got rugged outback men who don't call anything less than a 12-inch dagger a knife, say "G'day mate" a lot, eat shrimp off the barbie, and enjoy harassing the deadly creatures that populate the continent. The terrain consists of the barren outback, maybe a rainforest here and there, but watch out for any evil pollution spirits trapped in the trees. And apparently the word for 'beer' in the local tongue is 'Foster's'. Fosters is a delightful and refreshing drink and not brewed from powered aluminium.
• Antarctica is that really long white strip of land you see at the bottom of the map, with ice, snow, penguins and polar bears. Otherwise its not too interesting, a lot of maps don't even show it, and it's not surprising. Its main landmark is a big red and white striped pole sticking out of the ground with a sign on it that says "The South Pole". It matches The North Pole, except that Santa doesn't live there.
• Greenland is at the North Pole, and Santa lives there.
• The American Midwest is incredibly cold, all the time. Even at low altitudes in the summer. Everyone in the Midwest is a white supremacist, and the poorest people in the Midwest vote Republican while the richest people vote Democrat.
• The American South is full of racist, banjo picking, inbred hillbillies who either rape or shoot foreigners that they "don't take too kindly to 'round these parts". Deliverance might as well be a documentary.
• Canada is that northern piece of wilderness somewhere above America, eh, where it's always cold and snowing and the trees bleed maple syrup. The locals, where the country is populated at all, consist of Natives, people who are oddly polite and a couple of strange French guys. It's main exports are the aforementioned syrup, flannel (mostly in plaid), small Mountie figurines and hokey sticks (which are harvested annually from the same trees that the syrup comes from), and its main industries are various kinds of woodwork and igloo-craft. The sole religion practiced is also Hokey, which all young children are given a thorough education in, beginning at birth (or earlier, if parents can manage it). The country has no military forces to speak of, nor has it ever had them, or even weapons, except for snowballs (and icicles, but you need a license for those).
• Half of the mountains have a spiral path going up the mountain.
• All deserted islands can only be found in tropical regions.
• Eastern Standard Time is the only legitimate time zone, because New York and Washington DC use it.
• Parts Unknown exists and has many suburbs, including, just to start, "Dudleyville", "The Bottomless Pit", and "The Iron Gates of Fate". The Prototype, however, was too awesome for just one community, and had to leave "Classified" for Area 51. Similarly, the Shark left "Tsunami" for "The Great Barrier Reef." That said, some of these communities are nicer than others. For example, "Nastyville"'s tourism and real estate bureaus were both defunded years ago, and "Emerald City" and "The Diamond Mine" aren't doing much better. Oddly, many graduates of its fine educational system have tended to migrate to Philadelphia. "Deepest Darkest Africa" and "Pepperland" are doing better. Sadly, though, the mayor of "Circus City" recently passed away, and the town may never recover.
• "You know where you are?/You're in the jungle baby/You're gonna die!"
• "All the old paintings on the tombs/They do the sand dance, don'cha know/If they move too quick (Oh-Way-Oh)/They're falling down like a domino"
• "All this chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter 'bout/Shmatta, shmatta, shmatta -- I can't give it away on 7th Avenue"
• "Iran -- Numbair Vun! Russia -- Numbair Vun! USA -- *hakk-PTUU!*"
• Every country represented on your map really is that color: For example, The United States is pastel purple while Canada really is pastel green.
  • We live in a big purple country right next to the letter E in the word "States".
• Everyone in Connecticut (and New England as well) is wealthy.
• New York is the capital of New York State, and for that matter, when you say "Western New York", it can ONLY mean the western part of New York City.
• "Did you know that Hungary is right next to Turkey and Greece?"
• Argentina is Naziland, always was and always will be, except for a few years when it was ruled by a glamorous female dictator who was always telling her county not to cry for her.
• It's Always Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
• Everything you need to know about the obscure country of Kazakhstan can be found in the movie Borat, a 100% accurate documentary. It is the greatest country in the world, and every other country is run by little girls.
• Cobrastan is a real country, and one day it will be free from Obristan tyranny!
• Britain is a US state.
• Spaniard men dress in either chaqué or as bullfighters while women dress with tiered skirts. All of them are Tall, Dark, and Handsome (men) and Spicy Latina (women), talking with Mexican accents, and the Spanish culture is a mix of flamenco, bullfighting, mariachis, tacos, and spicy food. Spain itself, finally, has jungles and extensive deserts mixed with volcanoes.

History

• Between the dawn of time to about 1492, nothing really interesting happened. And even then, things were still pretty boring until the 20th century.
  • Except for when dinosaurs existed. They're awesome.
• Archaeologists are not merely boring nerds who only study history and anthropology. They're all badass adventurers who wear brown fedoras, discover lost cities, recover magical (usually cursed) artifacts, and they fight all kinds of villains.
  • Archaeologists also tend to visit ancient temples, which are always filled with vast caches of treasure, and are protected by booby traps that somehow still work after many centuries.
• Everything that has ever happened in the history of mankind is the result of an ancient government conspiracy theory!
  • To be precise, the world is controlled by a New World Order comprised of Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Freemasons, Illuminati, capitalists, communists, fascists, and aliens!
    • Even though many of these people (supposedly) hate each other, they are all secretly conspiring together to rule the world, and keep the masses ignorant of their supervillain schemes.
  • John F. Kennedy was killed by multiple gunmen, on the orders of The Mafia, Lyndon Johnson, CIA, KGB, Mossad, Cubans, Freemasons, aliens, and Jackie Kennedy^note (to punish her husband for his adultery). And he was shot 129 times from 43 different angles.
• Julius Caesar, Leonardo Da Vinci, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Karl Marx, Susan B. Anthony, Napoleon Bonaparte, Gloria Steinem, and any other relevant historical figures you can think of were all the same immortal being.
  • They were an alien, too.
    • Time Lord, to be exact.
• Aliens taught humans everything they know, and built every ancient monument ever.
  • The pyramids were built by aliens and Jewish slaves for the purpose of storing wheat.
• Ancient Japan was the battleground for many conflicts involving large antagonistic crustaceans.
  • Until everyone attacked their weak point for massive damage.
  • Also, every day there was a dramatic showdown between two samurai. On days when there weren't samurai fights there were awesome ninja fights.
• Napoleon was a short, dead dude. Ceasar was a salad dressing dude. And Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.
  • Also, Napoleon always spoke English with a thick French accent.
• History stops being interesting, noteworthy or worth studying once you get past World War II. This is because World War II was the only interesting historical event to happen ever.
  • World War I wasn't really all that interesting or important either, and it's best to just skim over that so you can focus on World War II, the Even Better Sequel.
• If you must know, World War I was just a bunch of British soldiers fighting evil proto-Nazi Germans in some trench in France (who surrendered as soon as the war began), and they probably would have lost if America didn't rescue them. One wonders why they call it a world war.
• World War II started when the Japanese Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, which made America angry enough to finally bail out England and those cowardly Frenchies, beat Germany and get rid of Those Wacky Nazis, and nuke Japan (which was something they totally had coming), and pretty much save the day. After that everyone in the victorious countries had babies, who grew up to be ungrateful hippies.
  • "REMEMBER WHEN PEARL HARBOR BOMBED THE GERMANS?"
  • The Soviet Union may have had a brief scuffle with Germany too, ...Or So I Heard, but it was unimportant because the Soviets were bad guys anyway.
  • The Axis Powers were a trio of gay national stereotypes.
• The Grand Duchess Anastasia Romanov survived the Russian Revolution, but lost her memory. Rasputin was condemned to be an undead corpse because as long as she lived his curse on the Romanovs was incomplete.
• The Holocaust was the only genocide ever, in all of history. Any other group that claims to have suffered genocide actually just one day decided to peacefully leave the area where they lived for hundreds of years without a complaint, and now their descendants just want money.
• George Washington never told a lie, and Thanksgiving was a wonderful moment of friendship between whites and Native Americans. How could thousands of 1st grade plays be wrong?
• Segregation started up very suddenly in the 1950's, but only in Alabama and Mississippi. It was quickly ended by the Civil Rights movement. When Martin Luther King Jr. gave his "I Have a Dream" speech, that was the end of racism, forever.
• The Americas were visited by all sorts of visitors, from ancient Greece and Rome to the Middle East to West Africa to China to Atlantis to extraterrestrials. These people gave the locals their culture.
  • Since natives of North and South America such as the Aztecs and Incas couldn't possibly have been advanced enough to have built all their pyramids and monuments due to their lack of European-ness, they had Egyptians, aliens and Atlanteans help them.
• The Titanic set sail in 1912, carrying with it an anachronistic rapping dog and talking, singing mice. Almost everyone survived its sinking.
  • According to other eyewitness accounts, the Titanic and everyone on board were saved thanks to the efforts of talking mice and a giant octopus. And it was deliberately run into an ice berg by evil whale poachers.
• Most of humanity's technological achievements came from crashed spacecraft.
• The global video game industry was utterly destroyed in 1983, and nothing was developed until Super Mario Bros. But that doesn't matter, because there were no games before that apart from Pong, Q*bert and Pac-Man.
• The first pirates were a bunch of parrot fanciers from the West Country.
• Everyone thought the world was flat and consisted only of Europe for a long time. Then came Columbus, who sailed off specifically to prove the world was round. The whole "trade route to India" thing was nonsense.
  • Also, he certainly didn't think about nabbing all the gold he can get or enslaving the natives for profit.
• Likewise, everyone was a geocentrist until Galileo Figaro Magnificooooooooo.
• Ponce De Leon really wanted to find the Fountain of Youth in Florida. He totally wasn't trying to find natives to enslave or anything.
• Everyone used to be able to fly. Then Sir Isaac Newton invented gravity and ruined all the fun.
• Any time in the 20th century before The '50s had "Sing, Sing, Sing" playing.
  • In The '50s, no matter where you were you could always hear "Mr. Sandman" playing in the background.
  • In The '60s, psychedelic rock was playing in the background, except for in Vietnam, where it was CCR's Fortunate Son.
  • In The '70s disco was playing 24/7. And everybody loved it.
  • In The '80s either I Ran (So Far Away), the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack, or Girls Just Wanna Have Fun was always playing.
  • The '90s had grunge (read: Nirvana) in the background.
• Disney movies are completely historically accurate. They may as well be documentaries.
• Before the late sixties, everything was in black and white.
  • Actually, it was in the mid-30s, and it was pretty grainy for a while too.◊
  • Also, every place on Earth was a Crapsack World with perpetual racism, misogyny to rival the Taliban, gays being tortured for public entertainment, and parental abuse on a level that would make Ghetsis shudder. Except the non-white parts. Everything was cool there.
• In England before the 20th Century, society consisted of the servants, who weren't worth talking about, the workers, who frequently died in industrial mills and down people's chimneys, and the rich, who spent the entirety of their days at music recitals, reading intellectual books and getting their daughters married to young, rich, handsome men (this is a truth universally acknowledged).
  • Alternative acceptable careers were inventor, who pretty much made everything good in the modern world, and explorer.
• Button Gwinnett, the 2nd signer of the Declaration of Independence, was actually a robot. He currently resides in the basement of the National Archives.
• "Welcome to the Statue of Liberty. The Statue was a gift from French citizens and has come to symbolize hope for naked women everywhere."
  • BOCCE BALLS!
  • French pigeons actually built the Statue of Liberty.
• The Founding Fathers all held the same opinions, those opinions from the 1700s matter to this very day, and they all agree with your interpretation of the Constitution.
• The American colonies rebelled against England because England was evil. From the moment America won its independence, England became a puny, weak nation in constant need of America to rescue it from the Germans.
• The American Civil War only happened because the North thought slavery was bad, and every single citizen of the North wanted the South to abolish it.
• Margaret Thatcher was an evil witch and dictator who put all of Britian into an everlasting winter while she was Prime Minister, which only ended when Ronald Reagan (Yay, America!) tore down that wall.
• Except for nineteenth-century France and the American Civil War, the rebels always win. ALWAYS.
• No matter what it is, the aliens are behind it.
• Napoleon Bonaparte was a ruthless dictator, who was also 50 centimetres tall.
• The founding fathers sung through the writing and signing of the Declaration of Independence and rapped their early cabinet meetings.

Sports

• Trish Stratus was the first woman wrestler ever. What's all this talk about The Fabulous Moolah winning the WWE Women's Title back in 1956? Ok, yeah, sure there may have been women's wrestling matches years ago, but those women weren't Divas. Trish Stratus was the first Diva. We've never even heard of anyone named "Sable" or "Chyna", and what's this nonsense about someone named "Sunny" being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame? Before Trish was inducted? Impossible. Or that Terri Runnels introduced the word Divas into WWE's lexicon back in 1999? Hell, Trish wasn't even with the company at that time, so that could not have happened. That's enough, you are banned from commenting on this website until you agree to toe the party line.
• It's OK for Triple H to have slept his way to the top and for him to pull all kinds of strings backstage, and for his friends Kevin Nash and Shawn Michaels to sometimes hog the camera and be or have been uncooperative, unprofessional Jerkasses because they aren't John Cena, who sucks and who can't wrestle and whose TV debut match was the beginning of the "PG Era" even though he lost, and we need to go back to the Attitude Era when there were no kids in the audience.
• "WHO'S BETTER THAN KANYON? NOBODY!"
• Every time you watch the World Series or the Super Bowl you are witnessing history in the making, that will totally be remembered by people other than hardcore sports buffs a month later.
  • Likewise, every WrestleMania is bigger and more memorable than the one that came before it.
• It's called soccer, not football. The rest of the world outside of America is wrong. Also, soccer is inferior to baseball and football. Who knows what those wussy Europeans and Latin Americans see in it.
  • It’s called football. Americans just oversimplify words.
    • Football - Soccer
    • Aubergine - Eggplant
    • Nappy - Diaper
• Ping-pong- excuse me TABLE TENNIS -really is a sport, because it's in the Olympics.
• Cricket is just a British knockoff of Baseball.
• E to the S to the P to the N / is all I watch cuz I'm the man.
• Cambodia is the country that has won the most World Cups.

Philosophy

• Relax, it's just fiction.
• Good always wins, Evil always returns, and rule one is not always true.
• A man is a miserable little pile of secrets.
• All we are, is dust in the wind, dude.
• The only thing philosophy classes teach is the Platonic Cave. When you're not dissecting The Matrix, you're smoking lots of pot.
• All philosophers have names with an S in them. Such as Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, and Selena Jones.
• "There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya about the raising of the wrist/Socrates himself was permanently pissed."
• "You shut your mouth/How can you say/I go about things the wrong way?/I am human and I need to be loved/Just like anybody else does".
• " I am he/As you are he/And we are he/And we are all together."
• There is no such thing as good, there is no such thing as bad, and as soon as you comprehend that, you become enlightened.
• All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.
• You're not really seeking good, you're just seeking attention, because that's all good deeds are when looked at with an ice cold eye. If that's all good deeds are, maybe that's the reason why no good deed goes unpunished.
• 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe and Everything.
• Plato, Aristotle, and Socrates were morons.

Sexuality

• Women are all 90-60-90 cm unless they're old, and even then... Also, there's going to be upward wind every time you wear a skirt. Expect your shirt to rip very often and your cleavage to show accidentally in many situations. By all means, wear a skirt (preferably a sailor fuku) to beat up a villain with karate or kung-fu.
  • Corollary: Dirty Old Men are everywhere and likable though perverted. Sexual harassment is funny and endearing and totally not a criminal offense.
  • Also, if a woman isn't a blond chick with ginormous boobs and a tiny waist, she's ugly. If you have sex with her, you're pathetic.
• Smooth jazz is played in the background everytime somebody has sex.
• When you grow up, you'll marry your mom.
• That horrible girl who keeps bullying you is secretly in love with you.
  • The girl who's chopping off your fingers too.
• Only men are capable of sexual discrimination.
  • Similarly, only whites are capable of racism.
• Bisexuals only occur in large herds.
  • If one is isolated, then he or she will almost certainly be psycho and/or evil.
  • Male bisexuals don't exist. Female bisexuals like to have sex with both a man and a woman at once. So do twin sisters.
• It's just a phase. Experimenting in high school is fine, by all means, but, be warned, when you go back to men, the girl you broke up with will try to kill you or your manly boyfriend. But don't worry, there's no penalty if you kill her first.
  • Note that all that only applies to women. If you have sex with a man even once, you're a Flamboyant Gay. Even if you were on top.
    • Also, if you so much as look at another man in a way that someone arbitrarily deems "gay", you're a flaming queer forever.
• Gay men only have sex anally. Also, you can get AIDS even from masturbating with another guy. But if you both claim to be straight and have sex, then you cannot transfer AIDS to your partner.
  • Also, heterosexual couples never engage in anal sex.
  • Then again, sometimes it's possible to get AIDS simply by standing too close to someone who has it.
  • Gay people also EAT DA POO POO, and have a sexual practice called "feesting". Disregarding that they're probably outnumbered by straight people who do the same.
• Men being raped is perfectly acceptable. First off, it's impossible for a male to be raped by a female. Besides, shouldn't they enjoy it? If the male happens to be underage, well, isn't he a lucky kid? And of course when it's male on male it's just funny.
  • Or they got arrested, in which case, they deserve it.
  • If a man gets raped by a man, he'll turn gay.
• Of course you won't get pregnant if it's your first time. That's impossible.
• A girl can get pregnant just from being in the same swimming pool with a man.
  • But if it was a legitimate rape, her body’s systems find ways to shut it down though.
• If you keep watching cartoons after a certain age, you will become a pedophile.
  • But if it's anime, you'll just become a regular pervert, with a thing for tentacles.
• Only men are pedophiles. And if an adult male who you've never met before so much as glances at your child, he must be a pedophile. But if you know him well, he's completely safe.
• The age of consent is 18 everywhere. Except in Japan, where there is none.
  • Justified, since there is no consentual sex in Japan anyway.
    • Japanese women are all saving themselves for tentacle monsters anyway.
• If you just turned 18, but your girlfriend or boyfriend is still 17, then you are a sick pedophile who belongs behind bars.
• A man must lose their virginity by age 14, or else they're a loser, or possibly gay. A woman should never lose their virginity until after they're married sometime in their thirties. But a man is supposed to lose their virginity with a woman.^note Obviously this means it's OK for women to have sex with underage boys.
• Sex is all men ever think about. Women never think about sex.
  • Unless they are bisexuals, in which case, they always think about it. With everyone.
• Masturbation will make you blind and crippled.
• At some point in your life, you will have to look around and decide if you want to be straight or gay. There's no experimentation, no wiggle room (in fact, stop looking for the wiggle room), and your sexuality is not out of your control unless you are a straight man around women in short skirts. You can choose wrong, but camps and therapy with 100% success rates exist to change your mind.
• Asexuality does not exist, and celibacy makes you a prude.
• If you were assigned male at birth and put on a skirt or dress, you are now trans. If you ever remove it, you will cease to be trans. This is because gender is decided entirely by clothing preferences. And yes, the lack of exclusively-male-coded clothing means that people assigned female at birth are just plain SOL.
• Your child is cisgender. If they say otherwise, play along with them a bit until they grow out of it. If they don't grow out of it, then — wait, no, that won't happen, because your child is cisgender. Some phases take a while, you know?

Technology

• When switching between TV channels, a static is briefly seen.
• Modern video games still sound just like arcade games from the early 80's.
• All factories have zigzag roofs and at least one big chimney.
• Boats and ships which are dry below the water level cannot be piloted as boats and ships which can be piloted, don't have any space below the water level.
• You can do anything with a computer as long as you type really really fast.
  • If your mainframe is getting hacked, you can stop the attack by getting two people to type on the same keyboard. Or just unplugging the monitor.
• 1.21 Gigawatts of plutonium is enough to send a car 30 years into the past if it is driving at 88 MPH and gets struck by lightning.
• The newest piece of technology, whether it be an iPhone, computer, TV, or game console, will be in style forever and will not ever be replaced by a newer model. So you should always buy the newest thing.
• VHS tapes had a horrible, grainy picture quality that you could barely see, and got warped if you so much as breathed on them wrong. None of them are playable today. DVDs were a million times better, but also have a horrible picture quality when compared to Blu-Ray, which has a better picture quality than reality itself.
• Similarly, audio cassettes would get eaten up the moment you placed them in a cassette deck and pressed play, spewing tape everywhere. CDs were better, but became unplayable the moment they got the slightest smudge on them. MP3s are the only worthwhile way to listen to music, they'll never come out with another music format.
  • Vinyl records never actually existed.
• The Sega Genesis had Blast Processing, and did what Nintendon't.
• Video games directly influence young people's behavior. So while playing fighting games and first-person shooters can turn children and teens into homicidal maniacs, platformers like Sonic the Hedgehog and Super Mario cause them to jump on people's heads, or consume potentially poisonous mushrooms/obsessively collect gold rings, which is almost as bad. For this reason, video games are evil.
  • The obesity epidemic can be traced back to people mimicking the behavior of Pac-Man, and later Kirby.
• Only hipsters use technology more than two years old. What losers.
• Computers beep every time you press a key and when you hack into something or download information they display a progress bar 100% exact. Internet connection exists in all points in space and time, even in the Middle Ages and other dimensions.
• Cell phone coverture will either be so good that you can have signal even in the middle of the ocean, another planet, or even another time in the past or will not exist at all, even if where they should or if just some meters is excellent -there's no middle ground-. Their batteries will also be infinite, never discharging… except when the phone is most needed.
• Technology works.
  • Technology delivers!
• 7th generation video game graphics are characterized by being very brown and full of bloom lighting effects.
  • Put your balls in my mouth.

Other

• A general rule of thumb: you must consume escapist fiction religiously. They will give you a lot of great insight about how the real world works.
• Large amounts of money are stored inside sacks with a $ sign on it.
  • And carried around by fat men in top hats and suits with dollar sign patterned ties.
• The only way to win the game is to kill everyone else, while not thinking about it.
• Throwing something makes a 'whoosh' sound.
• There is no such thing as tasteful fan fiction or fan art. All fan art is porn or bikini shots (even men, because screw it), and all fan fiction is shipping, also porn or unbearable self-insert canon-mangling garbage. It is impossible to write a fan fiction piece that actually investigates the concept of the show and does something clever with it, and if you say you have you're just covering up what you wrote in one of the above genres.
  • DeviantArt is filled with this and nothing else. It's not an art gallery at all, and all its central twenty categories are labelled 'Fan Art' except for the one labelled 'Porn'.
• Whenever the priests at a wedding asks someone to "speak now or forever hold your peace", the bride's ex-boyfriend will crash the wedding and the bride will run off with them.
• "It's "Faaaaaaaahn-DAAAAAAAAAHHHHHN-goooooohhhhh..."
• "MMMIIIISSSSTERRR KKKKKEEEEENNNNNNEEEEEDDDDYYY!"
  • ...Kennedy!
• Injecting obscure quotes into any situation is hilarious.
• Professional Wrestling is totally real! So real! None of it is fake! None of it ever could be faked!
• Champagne corks make perfectly elastic collisions with any hard surface and never lose momentum until they hit either the villain or the Butt-Monkey.
  • A champagne cork fired from a bottle can and indeed will knock someone out, regardless of how much or little you shake it beforehand. ^* No wonder they put those little metal cages on.
• Killing the last of a species in existence is perfectly okay.
• Skill is a quantum phenomenon, much like particle energy. Skill and strength are acquired in discrete packets every time a certain milestone in training is reached, and then another distinct milestone must be passed for more strength to be supplied.
• If a work's title contains a number, it is always that number sequel in the series (If you don't watch Friday the First through Twelfth you'll be completely lost).
• The term "wiggle room" refers to a concert hall where you go to hear The Wiggles live. This is the only valid usage of the term; there is no wiggle room.

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