Cracked / Tropes A to H

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Tropes I - Z

Although the articles linked here are, for the most part, SFW, Cracked frequently recommends articles which are not. You Have Been Warned.

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#-A

• 20% More Awesome: A common source of comedy, especially in the articles that centre on charts and graphs.
• 419 Scam: #25 of 34 Children's Books Updated for Modern Problems: "The Berenstain Bears and the Nigerian Prince".
• Abduction Is Love: Cracked accuses Beauty and the Beast of this in 23 Romantic Movies Revised for Honesty and 5 Romantic Movie Gestures That Were Actually Dick Moves.
• Accidental Hero: 10 Photos Capturing Moments of Spontaneous Badassery.
• Accentuate the Negative: A recurring theme of a lot of their articles. As a rule, they tend to go against popular opinion if it evaluates something positively but agree with it if it's negative.
  • "If X Was 10 Times Shorter and More Honest", courtesy of The Editing Room.
• Acceptable Breaks from Reality: If Video Games Worked By Real Logic.
• Action Girl: One of 31 Life Lessons You Can Only Learn From Video Games is that "every sexy girl is a ruthless killer."
• Action Pet: This article about 5 soldier dogs.
• Action Survivor: One of The 5 Most Badass Ways People Escaped from Slavery is how Eliza Harris carried several children across a river while jumping from one moving ice platform to another as if it were a Mario game. This is the true story Uncle Tom's Cabin was based on.
• Adaptation Distillation: 29 Movie Adaptations That Left Out the Best Parts. It's easy to see why Disney left out that tidbit about Cinderella...
• Ad-Break Double-Take: Discussed in 14 Super Powers That Every Movie Character Apparently Has.
• Added Alliterative Appeal: The entries in 5 Superpowers We All Had as Babies (According to Science)
• Affectionate Parody: Robert Brockway's articles about Mario Lopez parody H. P. Lovecraft.
• Afraid of Clowns: Mentioned in the third entry on this article by a professional party planner; Kids these days prefer entertainers dressed as superheroes at their party, and dislike or are even downright afraid of clowns. Something parents frequently find out the hard way when they hire a clown.
• The Ageless: 6 Unassuming Animals That Are Secretly Immortal lists animal species that don't die of old age, such as lobsters and turtles.
• A.I. Is a Crapshoot: In 39 Astounding Celebrity (And One Cracked) Reboot, Clippy attempts a Hostile Show Takeover, which ultimately culminates in Swaim's memory being erased, him being rebooted by Joanna Angel, and going into a new season.
• The Alcoholic: John Cheese is a recovering alcoholic. More than one article has been written about how much of a struggle it's been.
  • This may be the greatest example of this trope ever.
• The Alleged Car: The Ford Pinto is #3 of 5 Awesome Things with Inexplicably Bad Reputations. While the whole rear-end gas tank fire thing was certainly true, the car really wasn't any more dangerous than any other vehicle on the road.
• Aliens Speaking English: Called The 5 Stupidest Way Movies Deal with Foreign Languages.
• All Just a Dream: The article "Why 'Saved by the Bell' is All a Dream: A Conspiracy Theory" explains why Saved by the Bell has to be an escapist dream of a character in Good Morning Miss Bliss, using clues from the Expository Theme Tune.
• All Men Are Perverts: Discussed in a video featuring Cracked's female contributors talking about what are, and aren't appropriate comments on videos. With actual posts being spoken aloud by male contributors.
• All Psychology Is Freudian: Implied by the winner of 19 Things We Secretly Suspect About Other People's Jobs.
• Alternative Character Interpretation: invoked One article has an alternate interpretation of Glinda the Good Witch.
  • 9 Famous Movie Villains Who Were Right All Along.
  • 6 Beloved Characters That Had Undiagnosed Mental Illnesses.
  • 6 Insane (But Convincing) Theories on Children's Pop Culture.
  • 6 Classic Kids Shows Secretly Set in Nightmarish Universes.
  • What Seanbaby did to old Popsicle Pete comics, reimagining him as a harbinger of death and despair.
    • NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE.
  • 6 Insane (But Convincing) Fan Theories About Kids' Cartoons.
  • 5 Ways Star Trek's Federation Was an Evil Empire.
• Americans Hate Tingle: A well-known example regarding Americans, their disgust at Association Football, appears in articles such as this. Given that despite Cracked being American and with an excessively US-centric POV, most readers are foreigners, the comments usually go down into a Flame War.
• America Saves the Day: 18 Moments In History You're Picturing Incorrectly points out how we'd all be speaking German if not for the US's involvement in WW2, but in fact only 220,000 Americans died in the European Theater compared to the 20 million Russians fighting back the Nazis.
• And I Must Scream: Do not trifle with the Adventure Master.
• Animeland/All Anime Is Naughty Tentacles: The number of articles that don't portray Japan as being full of A. perverts, B. octopus demons, C. giant robots, or D. any combination thereof could probably be counted on one hand.
  • The one true exception is #1 here.
• Anachronism Stew: If Disney Cartoons Were Historically Accurate basically picks out some of the worst bits of European history (or Hollywood History) and has the princess walk by them, from a plague that kills the majority of the population (1300s) to eating horsemeat (a rare practice which the plague ended in RealLife until the 19th century), to a witch burning (1480s-1780s).
• Anti-Humor: In 7 Animals That Are Evolving Right Before Our Eyes:
  Q: What did the elephant say to the poacher?
  A: Dear God in heaven, please don't kill me for my ivory.
  
  Sorry about that. Sometimes we get "joke" mixed up with "tragic imagined dialogue that could be happening at this very second if elephants had the power of speech.
• Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better:
  • After Adam Brown published "6 Things I Learned Watching Every Wayans Bros Movie In A Day", Felix Clay did a similar thing with what he considers to be much worse, The Human Centipede. Hence, "6 Attempts To Sit Through The Worst Trilogy In History".
  • In "The Best Order To Watch The Star Wars Movies", Luis Prada views the Star Wars films in different orders in an attempt to one up on Rod Hilton's "Machete order" (IV - V - II - III - VI). He considers each attempt a failure:
    • Meeting In The Middle: Prada tries viewing the movies in an order similar to Phoenix (I - VI - II - V - III - IV). He ends up not making it though this order, finding it "scattered and stupid" and a time-waster.
    • Reverse Chronological Order: Attempting to watch the films from last to first (VI - V - IV - III - II - I), Prada finds the impact of each successive film is ruined by the one before it.
    • Attack Of The Clones Six Times: Six consecutive viewings of the episode he considers invokedSo Bad, It's Good just ends up amplifying its bad qualities, instead of adding anything of value.
    • Making It Up As I Go (Or, The "Whiny Little Ani Gets What's Coming To Him" Order): For this last attempt, Prada tries relying on pure improvision. What he ended up with (IV until Darth Vader's first appearance - I - the rest of IV - V - VI) is the Spiritual Antithesis of the Machete order, as it strips Anakin Skywalker of sympathy and enhances his villainy, as well as making the series in general worse.
• Apocalypse Anarchy: If Everyone Knew the World Was Ending Tomorrow.
• Apocalyptic Log: A common format.
  • 5 Internet Prescribed 'Cleanses' That Made Me Immortal is a good example.
• Appeal to Worse Problems: David Wong commits this fallacy in "7 Reasons The World Looks Worse Than It Really Is" saying that people complaining about how the economy has lessened their opportunities are just cynical people not trying hard enough. Ignoring the people who are trying but getting nowhere or the people with unique skills who still aren't getting anywhere. But then Wong is probably Cracked's most reactionary writer.
  • However, Wong also wrote "6 Things Rich People Need to Stop Saying," in which he explicitly acknowledges this problem and says it's insulting to tell poor folks that they're just not working hard enough. His point is less, "The world is awesome and it's you who suck," and more, "Change the things you have control over, and keep in mind that things were much worse in the past so you don't become cynical."
• Appropriated Appellation: 5 Famous Symbols that Were Created to Be Horrible Insults explains how the gay-pride pink triangle came from the Nazis, the donkey came from political cartoons dissing President Andrew Jackson, and "Yankee" came from a song written by a British army physician claiming that the rebels were aspiring to a social class they did not deserve.
• The Aristocrats: The #3 plot twist cut from a Disney animated movie.
  So what do you call your act?
  The Aristocats!
• Arch-Enemy: The Daily Mail.
  • When the Mail plagiarised Cracked content, Cracked wrote this hilarious riposte.
  • One of the ways to know it's a bullshit story? Simple, it's published in the fucking Daily Mail.
  • They now fear that the Daily Mail's penchant for spreading bullshit stories is going to get us all killed by Aliens.
• Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking
  • From "5 Popular Safety Measures That Don't Make You Any Safer":
  "Let's face it, cities can be terrifying. They are, after all, filled with people like us. The modern metropolis is a teeming hive of strung-out dope heads, rapists, home invaders and fine regional cuisine."
  • From "6 Famous Movies with Mind-Blowing Hidden Meanings":
  "We tend to find Spider-Man easier to identify with than other superheroes. He's not an alien, like Superman, or the son of a major Norse god, like Thor, or a Canadian, like Wolverine."
  • From "6 Famous Movie Wisemen Who Were Totally Full of Shit"
  We are not blaming bad teachers for [Adolf] Hitler, Timothy McVeigh, and Spencer Pratt.
  • From 7 Retarded Food Myths the Internet Thinks Are True:
  We love the way the writer crammed in every scary word they could think of: rape, war, cancer, emphysema, respiratory distress, anemia, constipation, irritability, blindness, Canada.
  • From 6 Animals with Better Memories than You:
  We tend to think of ourselves as the smartest animals on Earth. After all, we've built such technological wonders such as the internet, the internal combustion engine, and sneakers that light up when you take a step
  • From 6 Real Historic Battles Decided by Divine Intervention:
  [The rebels] were trapped, outnumbered, ill-equipped, poorly trained, freezing, and starving, and it was raining.
  • "8 Mind-Blowing Realities of Our Future Full of Old People" describes a likely reaction to a proposed solution to the coming farm labor shortage.
  Oh hey, let's import unwhites to do our labor! Why don't we bring back slavery and dial-up Internet service while we're at it?
  • "6 Innocent Sounding Topics that are Guaranteed Flame Wars"
  There are certain topics everybody knows are going to start a fight - politics, religion, abortion, video game consoles - important things like that.
  • Dan O'Brien on Joffrey in 4 Problems with Living in the Game of Thrones Universe,:
  He looks like if vanity, smugness and blond hair had a baby.
  • From "7 Iconic Skylines that Almost Looked Ridiculous"...
  Every city in the world shares the same basic building blocks — brick, stone, steel, mortar, and McDonald's restaurants.

  • From that same article:

  London is home to some of the world's most famous historical architecture, including the Tower of London, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, and that movie studio where they shot Batman.
  • From "The 6 Most Pointless Supervillain Schemes Ever Hatched":
  There are lots of reasons why criminals should be afraid of Batman: He's trained in martial arts, he's a genius detective and he's dressed like a giant bat.
  • From "5 People on Etsy Who Are Clearly Serial Killers:
  Whether it's fashioning suits out of women, stitching masks from travelers' faces, or building a puppet that can ride a tricycle, the real moral seems to be that you should never trust anyone who genuinely seems to enjoy sewing.
  • The lead of 5 Heartwarming Accomplishments by Hardened Prison Inmates claims that humans are "capable of some pretty terrible stuff, like robbery and murder and Bono."
  • The beginning of the 5 Mundane Things That Caused Earth-Shattering Destruction claims that all the "well-known sources of disaster" are hurricanes, tornadoes, avalanches, and Johnny Cash.
  • Two for one in 5 Things You Won't Believe Aren't In the Bible:
  The devil, also known as Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, Mr. Scratch, Old Nick and Al Pacino, is the cloven-hoofed, pitchfork-wielding, red-skinned, horned king of hell and founder of the metal genre of music.
  • From 6 Characters Whose Lives Fell Apart When the Movie Ended.
  As you probably know, Independence Day recently got a sequel, Independence Day: Resurgence, starring Jeff Goldblum, Brent Spiner, and the boxcar hobo that killed Bill Pullman and stole his identity.
  • "5 Ways It's Perfectly Okay to Harshly Judge Someone", as its #4 entry, points out how the phrase "All's Fair In Love and War" really just serves as a cover for Moral Myopia:
  "Did you hear the boss gave the promotion to his mistress?"
  "Well, all's fair in love and war."
  "That rich donor was moved to the front of the hospital's organ transplant list."
  "Yeah, well all's fair in love and war."
  If you encounter one of these people, try telling them something less generally horrible and more specific to them. You'll get a different reaction:
  "Do you know that someone took your parking space?"
  "Well, all's fair in ... wait, really? WHAT THE FUCK?!"
  • From 6 Hilariously Awful Lessons Hidden in Famous Video Games:
  Player character Arthur Morgan commits murder, various types of robbery, and most heinous of all... money-lending?

  • And from the same article:

  Lara Croft from the original Tomb Raider games famously didn't give a crap who she killed. She would murder surrendering technicians, lure innocent clones into lava, poke people in the eyes with the cones on her chest, etc.
  • From 4 Classic Childhood Movies That Got Suprising Stealth Sequels:
  Zootopia is a world of police brutality, incompetent unjust government, and Shakira playing a gazelle.
  • From the article "'Family Guy' Releases Health PSA Because That's Where We're At Now":
  If the increasingly frequent clues hinting at a mass extinction, the triumphant return of murder hornets, and social media's unending obsession with a Starburst commercial from 2007 weren't enough indicators that the end is nigh[...]
  • From "How A Forgotten '80s RPG Gave Birth To The 'Star Wars' Expanded Universe":
  Star Wars has obviously featured a number of iconic villains over the years, from Darth Vader to Emperor Palpatine to mid-'90s digital technology.
  • At one point in the article "6 Disney Scenes That Are Way More Tragic Than You Realized", Mufasa's death in The Lion King (1994) is described in the following manner:
  A whole generation of children developed an irrational fear of antelope hooves thanks to Mufasa's death scene in The Lion King — though it's unclear if he died from getting trampled by the antelopes, falling off that cliff, or because the claw wounds on his paw got infected.
• Artistic License – History: The Deconstructive Parody of Franchise Disney Princesses, If Disney Cartoons Were Historically Accurate, has a gag in which Meeko, a raccoon, is dead and presented as a food item. As the video is meant to be set in Medieval Europe, Meeko shouldn't be there at all, for raccoons wouldn't be introduced to Europe until the 20th century.
• Artistic License – Law: The title of "5 Everyday Things You Won't Believe Are Copyrighted" is a Lie To Children. Items #5, #4, and #1 refer to trademarks, and #3 and #2 refer to patents.
• Artistic License – Law Enforcement: Discussed in 7 Bullshit Police Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks to Movies), and The Five Most Wildly Illegal Court Rulings in Movie History point out many instances of this trope, including many listed here, such as The Untouchables (1987), Primal Fear, A Time to Kill, 12 Angry Men, and Miracle on 34th Street. Note that not all of the examples are correct, though.
• Artistic License – Politics: The article of 6 Pleasant Surprises About Political Myths You Had All Wrong that talks about "political truths" in the US that are not as straightforward as people think.
• Ascended Fanon:invoked Discussed in 6 Fan Ideas So Good They Were Adopted by the Creators. The explanation why Klingons have ridges on their foreheads but didn't in the original series? Nerd arguments. The Secret Cow Level? Internet rumor. Old Man Winter in Bioshock Infinite? Fanart. Invention of new fatalities and kharacters with fully fleshed-out lore to fit into the story in Mortal Kombat 9? Fan rumors. A reasonable scenario for Norman Osborn to have sex with Gwen Stacy? An essay by a fan. Walter's motivation to come out of hiding in the finale of Breaking Bad? A dying fan wondering, "What's his deal with Gretchen and Elliott?"
• Asshole Victim: Robert Brockway mentions killing an old woman for her eyeglasses in Fallout: New Vegas, having taken the Four-Eyes trait and didn't find glasses anywhere else; however, the woman sold a pregnant woman into slavery and would have been killed in a quest anyway.
• Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: #6 on If Everything Got An Adorable Mascot is Addie the ADHD tornado. "Let us help you learn to cope with... Ohh!!! Shiny!!!"
• Attention Whore: The subject of "8 Douchebags who Found this Article by Googling Themselves."
• Attractive Bent-Gender: This comment on Fionna from Adventure Time in "6 Cartoon Characters Guys Secretly Find Sexy":
  Felix Clay: While Finn is drawn as pretty much a Tetris piece with rabbit ears, Fionna is made deliberately curvy and curiously athletic, with hip and breast definition. Am I sick for noticing that? Probably.
• Audience-Alienating Premise: invoked Brought up in "6 Ways Hollywood Could Make Movies Stop Sucking":
  "Mortdecai made a cringeworthy $10 million in its first weekend. But what's worse is that anyone expected otherwise, as this film about Johnny Depp playing a goofy eccentric clown was inexplicably rated R — as in, it was restricted from the only people who would possibly want to see Jack Sparrow do silly walks on camera. Seriously, who was this movie even for? What fictional demographic were the executives imagining when they released this cinematic enigma?"
• Audience Surrogate: "Make Them Look and Sound Like the Audience, Against All Logic" is #4 of 6 Tricks Movies Use to Make Sure You Root for the Right Guy.
• Author Appeal:
  • 6 Artists Whose Weird Fetishes Defined Pop Culture
  • Batman. Seriously. He's the god-damn Patron Saint of this site. If anything can have a Batman reference, it will.
• Automaton Horses: Photoplasty advertises a whistle to summon one in Ads for Products That Must Exist in Video Games.
• Autopsy Snack Time: #4 of 4 Bizarrely Specific Rules That Exist in Movie Universes mentions cases in Gone in 60 Seconds (2000), Scrubs, and others where it appears a coroner can't enjoy his sandwich without a corpse in the room. It even links back to the trope page.
• Award Snub: In-Universe. "The 7 Most Unforgivable Grammy Award Snubs of All Time."
• Awesome, but Impractical:
  • The ball tank, #2 of 6 Utterly Insane Innovations History Was SURE Were Coming and #2 of 7 WTF Military Weapons You Won't Believe They Actually Built.
  • The 11 Most Retarded Fictional Weapons, including the Klingon bat'leth.
• Awesomeness Is Volatile: Used in entry #1 of 6 Impossible Escapes Using Impossibler Methods to describe the meeting between World War II U.S. airborne soldier Joseph Beyrle — who was fighting as a member of the Red Army at the time after escaping from a POW camp — and eventual four-times Hero of the Soviet Union Marshal Georgy Zhukov. A photo of Zhukov is provided with the caption "When they shook hands, four people caught on fire."

B

• Badass Adorable: 6 Terrifying Predators Routinely Owned by Adorable Prey.
• Badass Bystander: 5 Nobodies Who Stumbled into Wars and Kicked Everyone's Ass.
• Bad Boss: These six.
• Bag of Holding: Photoplasty advertises jeans with such a pocket in Ads for Products That Must Exist in Video Games.
• Bait-and-Switch: From 6 Awesome Theories That Totally Change Famous Characters:
  (at the end of a section about Star Trek's Spock)
  But that's enough about ridiculous theories and Star Trek.
  (another Star Trek section begins, this time focusing on Kirk)
  PSYCH! Fuck you.
• Bait-and-Switch Comment:
  • This is a common format for article titles, such as "10 Awesome Ads (For Traumatizing Children)".
  • From "6 Incredible Spoilers Hidden In Famous Video Games":
    MGSV tells the tale of a once noble hero descending into villainy, alienating once loyal friends, and becoming an evil scoundrel reviled by the entire world. But, enough about Konami.
• Balls of Steel: In 5 People Who Couldn't Be Killed Despite Their Best Efforts, before becoming Tennessee's governor and the inspired namesake of Houston, Texas, Samuel Houston served in the War of 1812. In the Battle of Horseshoe Bend, he took a barbed arrow right to the groin, but demanded that a fellow soldier remove it and ran right back into the battlefield.
• Bears Are Bad News: The final entry in 5 True War Stories That Put Every Action Movie to Shame. We'll just let it speak for itself.
• The Beastmaster: In Photoplasty contest 28 Inspirational Image Memes (Revised for Honesty), #5 is "If at first you don't succeed, command an army of birds."
• Behind the Black: In Swaim's normal series you never see his legs, and he once claimed to not have any.
• Berserk Button:
  • Seanbaby has a HUGE one in the "romance" guides of one Gregory JP Godek. Every article he even tangentially features in devolves into Seanbaby cursing his birth.
  • Cody and Two and a Half Men. If the show comes up at any point in one of his articles, expect it to devolve into pure bile.
• Be the Ball: The operation of the Morph Ball in Metroid is the #27 Science Lesson As Taught by Famous Video Games.
• Better by a Different Name:
  • Discussed in #4 of 6 Common Movie Arguments That Are Always Wrong.
  • Yet it goes on to explain why Home Alone and Die Hard are the same movie.
• Bested at Bowling: Lampshaded in one sketch. The girl shows up to the challenge not knowing what sport she's playing (basketball) and clearly can't handle the ball. Meanwhile, he is athletic and clearly experienced, yet the video makes sure she hits every basket ..even using an obvious male stunt double for a dun— and he fails every single one. In the end, the lesson, as she puts it, is that movie law will not let a smug guy beat a cute girl at sports.
• Beware the Nice Ones: Katy in "Worst Fight Club Ever"; she's bubbly, cheerfully enthusiastic and brings everyone snacks, but is apparently a member of another fight club and manages to lay Breandon out with one punch without losing her cheeriness once.
• Bigger Is Better in Bed: Subverted in "7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno", revealing that having a 10 inch penis is not a blessing. Two of the actresses refused to work with a male actor because he was just too big.
  People who's job is to take giant cocks fear this man's cock.
• The Big Guy: Compared to the other columnists, Seanbaby is this physically, Robert Brockway is this in personality.
  • Also, Michael Swaim. He doesn't look that big until he's placed next to his coworkers in video sketches, when it becomes readily apparent that he is a full head taller (or more) than everyone else.
  • John Cheese too at 6"3".
• Bilingual Dialogue: Called The 5th Stupidest Way Movies Deal with Foreign Languages.
• Black Comedy: 7 Great Products for Telling the World You're a Rich Dick.
  "Perhaps you could pretend the people out in the street begging for food are orcs!"
• Blatant Lies: "America's Only Humor & Video Site, Since 1958". This date refers to Cracked's beginning as a magazine rivaling MAD in 1958.
  • By 2013, the "Since 1958" had disappeared from the front page. But stories still refer to it occasionally, such as "6 Ridiculous Myths You Believe About Stuff You Use Every Day", which states that locking refrigerators were banned in the United States around the time Cracked first appeared on newsstands.
• *Bleep*-dammit!: The titles of articles about meteors and video game endings jarringly grawlix out a certain word starting with F that article bodies use uncensored all the time. Yet an article about so-called experts gets away with an S-bomb in the title.
• Blind Weaponmaster: One of Jorden Weir's 5 People Whose Major Disabilities Only Made Them Stronger is a blind sharpshooter.
• Block Puzzle: The reason "interior design" is #3 on 5 Real Skills Video Games Have Secretly Been Teaching Us. Apparently, all that moving blocks around is great training for knowing just how to arrange furniture to make it easy to get around.
  • You'd think he'd mention the Light and Mirrors Puzzle as well. I know I'd hire a Deflektor veteran to set up the lamps and mirrors in my study so the light was just right.
• B-Movie: B-Movie Posters for Classic Films.
• Biting-the-Hand Humor: "It's the stupidest idea for someone to sink money into ever since somebody decided to start a website based only on the name recognition of a magazine that no longer existed."
• Body Horror: This Photoplasty contest.
• Boomerang Bigot: Adam Tod Brown's article condemns Iggy Azalea for being Australian, because it automatically makes her a racist. He then goes on to berate the entire Australian continent for not being as enlightened about racial issues as America. (And Cracked has countless lists that prove Americans still have issues with racism)
• Bottomless Bladder: Photoplasty advertises undergarments and supplements that make this possible in "Ads for Products That Must Exist in Video Games": #20 and #4.
• Box-and-Stick Trap: #13 of Photoplasty 18 Things You Never Noticed in Famous Pictures (Part 2) takes Kevin Carter's Pulitzer-winning photo of a vulture stalking a crouching Sudanese child and adds a ray of hope by having the child bait a vulture into such a trap. A kid's gotta eat somehow.
• Brains and Bondage: If this article on BDSM is to be believed (which was written with the help of college professor who practices S&M), dom/sub relationships involve more philosophy and psychology than Neon Genesis Evangelion, except said relationships make sense.
• Bread, Eggs, Breaded Eggs:
  • Animals that could take over the world if they wanted to
  "... humans have been able to relax and dedicate our fight-or-flight reflexes to more leisurely pursuits, like car racing and fight clubs and car fighting."
  • "So when a camera, or a phone, or a camera phone doesn't heed our commands..."
  • "[The NPC] may get killed by a monster, robbed by a thief, or killed and robbed by a monster thief...
  • Cities that get a lot of tourism are characterized using this in 5 Stupid Travel Myths Everyone Believes.
  By simply walking around, you'll ... see the way they drive (manically), the way they urinate in the street (freely), and the way they urinate while they drive (frothily).
  • In 5 Terrible Things We Only Know Because of the Internet, Felix Clay describes the Internet as "full of hilarious gifs and cats and gifs of cats."
  • 7 Mind-Blowing Chemical Reactions You Won't Believe Are Real describes triboluminescence, the effect where crushing certain crystals releases light.
  Back in the 18th century, when many folks still thought scientific phenomena were caused by ghosts or witches or the ghosts of witches[...]
  • 42 Sci-Fi Movies (If They Were Updated for Realism) lists Star Trek holodeck programs including "bone Counselor Troi", "bone Seven of Nine", "bone Doctor Crusher", and "bone Counselor Troi, Seven of Nine, and Doctor Crusher".
  • The 6 Most WTF Old-Timey Porn Trends describes carousels as "the most boring part of carnivals, which in turn are decidedly the least sexy things in the entire world, what with all the puke and carnies and puke-covered carnies."
  • In the list of the 6 Celebrities You Didn't Know Had Ridiculous Music Careers, Jackie Chan's songs are described as having "lyrics touching diverse topics such as falling in love, falling out of love, or falling in love and then out of love."
  • The first sentence of 5 Awesome Things With Inexplicably Bad Reputations:
    There are some things that everyone agrees are awful, like paper cuts, or cancer, or paper cuts from the hospital bills you receive after getting cancer.
  • From the 6 Horrifying Facts That Get Left Out of History:
    Even the UFC, marketed as "AS REAL AS IT GETS," has several dozen rules to protect the combatants from dick attacks, bites, and dick bites.
  • #2 on the list of the 6 Anti-Trans Arguments That Sound Historically Familiar says that one claim is, "If they let the gays marry, next thing you know, people will be marrying dogs! Or children! Or dogs to children!"
• Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: This article. "In severe cases, the condition results in difficulty breathing, problems swallowing, muscle ruptures and fucking broken bones."
  • And zig-zagged in this article: "Ramen is a bowl of noodles, broth, spices and destitution that you'll find in college dorms and poverty-stricken homes across the U.S. "
  • And the final entry in this article about bad behavior on public transport is getting raped by your rickshaw driver.
  • From this article, the opening sentence says "Mistakes are an inevitable part of human nature, but there's a system for dealing with them the right way — The Four A's: Assess the damage, Acknowledge your role, Apologize sincerely and Assassinate all accusers."
  • 8 Mind-Blowing Realities of Our Future Full of Old People" compares making a home safe for senior citizens to childproofing.
  Plugs have to be covered, gates erected, breakables moved, cabinets locked, knives dulled, bullets replaced with blanks, etc.
  • 5 Dirty Jokes in Movies (That are Older than Film)
  We tend to think of the past as a classier time when people amused themselves with nothing but clever witticisms, ingenious wordplay and racism.

  • And from that same article:
  We see mama jokes on TV and in movies all the time, most commonly in lighthearted comedies like Saturday Night Live, Community and The Exorcist.
  • If Holiday Cards were Allowed to Kick Ass:
    Naturally, most of these cards are underwhelming — what with the nice family photo or cute children dressed as elves or a Santa cat plotting to kill its owner.
  • 6 Mind-Blowing Foreshadowing Hidden in Famous TV Shows starts the article with this:
    The shocking plot twist is a staple of TV fiction, especially in an era in which shows are competing for our attention with stuff like games, social media, and massive, massive amounts of free porn.
  • 5 Ways It's Perfectly Fine to Harshly Judge Someone starts at #3 with some Self-Deprecation humor.
    Here's another way to get to know someone quickly: Watch how they treat you. Where are they defensive? I've found that, typically, people assume that their own worst qualities are present in others. Liars tend to think you're lying. Passive-aggressive people tend to think you have a Hidden Agenda. Cracked's own Felix Clay tends to think you have a puppy under your bed that you abuse sexually.
  • In the list of the 5 Christmas Movies [That] You Never Realized Had Insane Messages, the very worst aspects of Christmas in Jingle All the Way are "rampant commercialism, shitty parades, [and] Phil Hartman trying like hell to have sex with your wife".
  • 5 Shameless Lies Video Game Companies Got Away With (Almost):
    Broken Thumbs published a series of iPhone and iPad games starring Emily, a fun girl whose hobbies included shopping, playing dress-up, and violating the Child's Online Privacy Protection Act.
  • The 6 Video Game Missions That Totally Insulted The Player brings us EarthBound (1994), a video game in which "Players use phones to save their game, ATMs to withdraw money, burgers to replenish health, and baseball bats to beat up hippies and drunkards."
  • 5 Children's Books To Confuse Your Child Into Patriotism:
    The clowns work the crowd, juggle, perform acrobatics, and light themselves on fire.
  • 6 Hilariously Awful Lessons Hidden in Famous Video Games:
    Video games often have simple stories with simple morals, from Mario's "Kidnapping princesses is bad" to Final Fantasy's "Friendship will save the world" to Untitled Goose Game's "Geese are evil and you should fear them."

    And

    The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild sticks to the usual list of child-friendly morals: good prevails over evil, the most insignificant person can be a hero, and fish people really want to fuck you.
• Breakable Weapons: Photoplasty advertises a product that dulls weapons in Ads for Products That Must Exist in Video Games.
• Brick Joke: A while back, Daniel O'Brien wrote this article, about what to do when alone in a room with your doppelganger. In Agents of Cracked season 2 episode 3, he finds himself in that exact situation, and the doppelganger brings up the article.
  • While the article itself is not brought up, the meet-your-doppelganger scenario showed up in Agents of Cracked season 1 episode 7 "Curse of the Idol".
    • Which means that DOB has both fucked and fought himself.
• British Teeth: #8 of 29 Insane Pastimes that prove History was Terrifying details how Queen Elizabeth's love of sugar left her with black teeth — a fad that would soon follow to all of England's upper class. This fact is even mentioned in the trope article.
• Brown Note: According to 5 Bizarre Animal Chain Reactions Our Daily Lives Are Causing, humans' ships' sonar gives squid fatal seizures.
• Brutal Honesty: The premise behind "If Oscar Acceptance Speeches Told The Truth", parodying the Oscar acceptance speeches of Denzel Washington for Training Day, Angelina Jolie for Girl, Interrupted, Tom Hanks for Philadelphia, Jamie Foxx for Ray, Al Pacino for Scent of a Woman, and Ben Affleck and Matt Damon for Good Will Hunting. Denzel Washington laments the fact that he won an oscar for portraying a role that could be described as a black stereotype, Angelina Jolie thanks Nepotism for getting her this far in Hollywood, Tom Hanks feels the need to remind everyone that he is heterosexual after playing a gay character, Jamie Foxx thanks Ray Charles for dying just in time so it would create enough buzz for him to win the oscar, Al Pacino accuses the Academy of overlooking his previous subdued performances and decides to go into Large Ham mode for the rest of his career, and Ben Affleck and Matt Damon reveal that they didn't actually write the script, and originally conceived of it as an action movie.^note Cracked is decidedly wrong on Good Will Hunting. Affleck and Damon did write the script almost entirely by themselves, although it was indeed conceived as more of a spy thriller before they changed it to a straightforward drama.
• Buddy Cop Show:
  • Why Crimes Would Never Get Solved At A TV Police Station
  • Called an easy way to involve a Token Minority in the #1 Weirdest Lesson '80s Movies Really Wanted to Teach Us.
• Bungled Suicide: 6 Insane Disney Comics You Won't Believe Are Real shows some 1930 Mickey strips where breaking up with Minnie causes him to attempt suicide several ways but fail each time.
• Burn the Witch!: Being burned is Mary Poppins's nightmare according to a Photoplasty: 24 Nightmares of Famous Fictional Characters
• Butch Lesbian: Photoplasty Famous Images, As Seen From a Different Angle has the linked-Venus lesbianism symbol on Rosie the Riveter's bicep.
• …But He Sounds Handsome: In "This Is Why You Don't Steal From Cracked", DOB doesn't know WHO retaliated against the plagiarist, but is probably someone handsome and witty and with just a hint of Spider-Man-like qualities.
• The Butler Did It: Parodied in Insane Coincidences That Solved 'Unsolvable' Crimes where the last crime on the list was a murder — and the killer was named Robert Butler.
• Butt-Monkey: Anytime Hawkeye is mentioned, it's invariably to criticize him for being the worst Avenger. In the same vein, many columnists (especially Gladstone) repeatedly harp on fellow columnist Adam Tod Brown.

C

• Calculator Spelling: When covering a Teen Genius, the author points out that when they were the same age, they were spelling "BOOBLESS" (55378008) on their calculator for giggles.
• California Doubling: "6 Places You'll Recognize from the Background of Every Movie".
• Call-Back: In 5 Terrible Scenes That Almost Ruin Awesome Movies, #1 is the tree rape scene from The Evil Dead (1981), but as C. Coville says, "... well, there's no good way for a comedy site to describe a rape scene, so here's a picture of something lighthearted instead." Cue a picture of Let the Right One In's cat attack scene from the beginning of the article.
• Captain Obvious: Done rather humorously in "Major Surgery With No Painkillers: 5 Things I Learned." #3's title? "Getting Your Rib Cage Torn Open Actually Hurts Quite A Bit."
• Caught with Your Pants Down: The video "The Most Surprising Problem With Making Homemade Porn" has a man arriving home to discover his roommate masturbating to his bizarrely specific fetish of pretending to direct a porno film. And, by 'pretending to direct, we mean having hired professional actors, set up cameras (that aren't rolling), lights, etc.
• Cell Phones Are Useless: In 5 World-Changing Trends That Will Transform Pop Culture, Robert Evans mentions how cell phones have become a Trope Breaker for 1990s sitcom plots.
• Cereal Vice Reward: The video "If Cereal Mascots Got Serious About Stealing Cereal" is about this trope and deconstructs it, while tossing in elements of Reservoir Dogs.
• Cerebus Syndrome: After a while the site's articles started tackling more serious subjects.
• Chainmail Bikini
  • One of the "5 Prejudices That Video Games Can't Seem to Get Over".
  • One of 31 Life Lessons You Can Only Learn From Video Games is that "the less it covers, the more it protects."
• Changing Clothes Is a Free Action: In real life it isn't, according to 5 Video Game Strategies that Are Way Less Useful in Reality.
• Christmas Creep: 4 Ways Companies Are Trying To Start Christmas Already claims some retailers put their decorations up in June.
• Chuck Cunningham Syndrome: What ever happened to columnist Ross Wolinsky?
• City in a Bottle: An article lists 6 isolated groups who had no idea that civilization existed.
• Clark Kenting: The 9 Stupidest Superhero Secret Identities. The Trope Namer is #1.
• Classic Cheat Code: Doom "idspispopd" referenced in a Photoplasty: Ads for Products That Must Exist in Video Games
• Clean, Pretty Childbirth: It posted an article called 6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth, none of which you will see in media (except for maybe the bill).
• Clothes Make the Superman: One of 31 Life Lessons You Can Only Learn From Video Games uses Mario's suits to make the point that "there is no problem that a change of wardrobe won't solve."
• Color-Coded Armies: One of 31 Life Lessons You Can Only Learn From Video Games is that "somebody being the wrong color is a perfectly okay reason to attack them."
• Combat Medic: The 5 Most Badass Medics In The History of War
• Comically Missing the Point: One article bashes Boastful Raps for being unrealistic.
  • You can expect the idiots in the comments section to do this quite a bit- the people who genuinely took the "Four Steps to Staying Relevant as a Bully" article as serious advice are a notable example.
• Comic Sutra: Done in a more metaphysical sense with The 7 Most Preposterious Sexual Positions People Claim to Use. Bonus points for the man in all the drawings having a Porn Stache.
• Commander Contrarian: Adam Tod Brown generally writes articles nitpicking adored pop culture staples and expressing his views on what things are liked too much and/or hated too little. Appropriately enough, his banner image is "The People vs. Adam Tod Brown".
• Commie Nazis: An alliance between Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia was narrowly averted according to "5 Insane 'What If' Scenarios That Almost Changed Everything".
• Concealment Equals Cover: One of 31 Life Lessons You Can Only Learn From Video Games is that "bullets can't pass through wood or cars."
• Conservation of Ninjutsu: 31 Astonishing Tricks Used to Make Video Games Come to Life explains the concept of "Unit Slotting", which programs groups of enemies specific enemies to attack you usually 2-3 at a time to give the player both a fighting chance and to enhance the experience of decimating groups of enemies in an immersive fashion.
• Conlang: A Northern California argot called Boontling is one of 5 secret languages that stuck it to the man. It uses English grammar but replaces many of the content words.
• The Conspiracy: What this article describes the requirement of photo ID in Los Angeles as.
  Robert Brockway: It's like the government is assembling a watch list to help ensure only the beautiful people get on the Doomsday Arks. Maybe someday, after I get this cocaine habit to stick, I'll have to look into it as well. But for now, the closest thing I have to a respectable self-portrait is the defensive cell phone pic my wife snapped after she came home from shopping and realized she forgot the Jameson.
  (pic of Brockway looking psychotic)
  Brockway: Obviously, I will not be on that Ark.
• Continuity Lockout: invokedIn the Escort Mission episode Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat X, n00b is completely lost about the story of the games and the redesign of some characters since he hasn't played any of the games since the original arcade game.
• Continuity Nod: If a writer thinks something is particularly funny, they'll probably throw it in to whatever situation they feel is remotely appropriate. See this article where Seanbaby takes a potshot at Bullet Ball, the inventor of which you may recall being number one on Seanbaby's list of the greatest failures in the history of talent shows ever.
  • Rarely, the writer evokes Cracked's origins as a magazine. (The commenters do it a lot more, particularly in lists of rip-offs and such, given Cracked was basically a cheaper MAD.)
• Convection, Schmonvection:
  • Discussed in the final entry of 6 Deadly Injuries You Think You'd Survive (Thanks to Movies).
  • 42 Sci-Fi Movies (If They Were Updated for Realism) shows a lightsaber battle on a platform floating above the middle of a lake of fire, except their clothes are on fire.
• Cool and Unusual Punishment: 5 Brilliant Uses of Humiliation to Fight Crime
• Cordon Bleugh Chef: 6 Crazy Sandwiches from TV Shows Taste Tested puts various bizarre sandwiches to the test.
  • The "Take Me Out To The Burger (Comes With Peanuts And Cracker Jacks)" from Bob's Burgers actually created a delicious mix of sweet and salty by combining soft, melted caramel popcorn onto a burger.
  • The Super Shaggy Sandwich from Scooby-Doo is a multi-decker sandwich filled with ham, cheese, lettuce, ketchup, mustard, marshmellows, chocolate fudge, and sardines. The author notes that adding everything would've made for a weird but passable sandwich, but then the sardines came. On top of them smelling like death warmed over, the fish still have their bones intact. The sandwich was a complete abomination because of the fish alone.
  • The Tangwich from Married... with Children turned out to be completely delicious, albeit messy due to the powdered tang's messiness.
  • The Twinkie Wiener Sandwich from UHF was a pleasant mix of salty and sweet, but the flavor of the cheese was lost in the combination.
  • The El Burdigato Supreme from Teen Titans Go! Combining pizza with hot dogs, tacos, and burgers didn't turn out horrible, but nothing stood out. The author notes that hot dogs, tacos, and burgers are already used as pizza toppings anyway.
  • The Toothpaste Sandwich from Married with Children was completely inedible. The author knew that she was combining a non-food product with bread, and even the live studio audience in the show itself warned out not to take a bite. Al never actually takes a bite of the sandwich in the show, as he gets interrupted by the doorbell just before he does.
• Covered Up: invoked One of 6 Famous Songs Written by the Last Person You'd Expect is "Red Red Wine", written and originally recorded by Neil Diamond and popularized by UB40's cover.
• Cowboy BeBop at His Computer: Could have their own page for this. Just go through the trope's pages to see how often they're mentioned.
• Crappy Holidays: 5 Everyday Things That Can Literally Drive You Crazy links seasonal affective disorder in part to "three straight months of Christmas music."
• Crazy Cat Lady:
  • Parodied by Christina H., whose column is called "Let Me Tell You About My Cats."
  • Pets are #5 of the 6 Things You Didn't Know You Could Get Addicted To, and this article links it to Toxoplasma gondii parasites.
  • Photoplasty Famous Images, As Seen From a Different Angle shows a dozen cats on the side of the room that we don't see in James Mc Neill Whistler's famous portrait of his mother.
• Creator Backlash: Invoked. 6 Classics Despised by the People Who Created Them.
• Creator Breakdown: Invoked. Several of John Cheese's articles, particularly his recent ones, have been informed by his less-than-happy childhood and personal issues stemming from this.
  • DOB's gotten in on this trope, too, on occasion, though not nearly to the extent Cheese has.
• Creator-Preferred Adaptation: Invoked. 5 Movies That Improved the Book (According to the Author)
• Creepy Mascot Suit: 7 Famous Mascots (Who Once Looked Scary As Hell) discusses corporate mascots (most of which are costumes, though some are illustrations) that used to have unintentionally terrifying designs. The article takes every opportunity to describe these old mascots as abominations of nature that feed on the fear of children.
• Critical Encumbrance Failure: Appeared in two Photoplasty contests.
  • A human being able to lift 300 kg as if it were nothing but not 301 kg is the #12 Science Lesson As Taught by Famous Video Games.
    • From 29 Baffling Rules of Life in Video Game Universes: "Throw away a tiny sprig of wheat and you can sprint again."
• Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: Closeted Badasses: 6 Famous Wusses That Would Own You.
  • And also, The 5 Most Secretly Badass Countries.
• The CSI Effect: invokedExplained as arising from the misconception that government agencies are staffed by geniuses, according to "5 Things TV Writers Apparently Believe About Smart People".
• Cuteness Proximity: Any article involving cute animals will at some point dissolve into cuddly-wuddy goo, usually just before describing how that thing will kill you.

D

• Dancing Bear: invoked Felix Clay in 6 Horror Mashups Just Crazy Enough to Be Awesome calls The Human Centipede a "Shlock shock horror movie that was made solely for the sensationalism of saying it was actually made [...] The novelty of this movie ended with the idea of it."
• Dangerous Workplace: Apparently the Cracked headquarters is a hellish place run by deranged lunatics lead by a rockstar-like figure with No OSHA Compliance whatsoever where writers prefer dangerous reporting missions than to writing in a wooden cage while DOB is out with a working lighter.
  • In Agents of Cracked, it's a somewhat deranged workplace run by a mysterious badass, whose requirements for employment involve killing a man, and terrorists and Michael are allowed to roam.
• Darker and Edgier:
  • "3 Movies They Don't Make Anymore (But Really Should)" decries the trend of "taking popular, existing properties and bringing out the darkest and grittiest aspects they can find" seen in Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, among other movies.
  • In "4 Bizarrely Specific Rules Fairy Tale Adaptations All Follow", David Christopher Bell claims that all film adaptations of fairy tales invoke this to invert Disneyfication.
• David Versus Goliath: Cracked cites a few cases.
  • The 7 Most Badass Man vs. Beast Showdowns includes a man driving a bear away by kicking it in the face and a women driving away a hippo by hitting it in the head with a stick.
  • 9 Old Timey Animal Photos You Won't Believe Are Real has another case with man named Gus Waldorf going into a boxing match against bear, and as they put it "Since they followed boxing protocol as opposed to the bear's preferred combat style of straight up mauling everyone, its teeth and claws were restricted with a muzzle and boxing gloves. And even though the bear went into the ring severely handicapped, Waldorf still lost the fight due to the handicap of not being a bear."
  • The 6 Most Mismatched Battles Ever Won by Underdogs relates victories by severely outnumbered forces in Persia, the Ottomans, Korea, Hungary, and the Mongols.
• Dear Negative Reader: In response to some of their criticisms, some of their articles or videos have been directly aimed at detractors or designed to insult them. "Why We Title Things the Way We Do," for example, is aimed at those who complain about clickbait-y titles.
• Death World: Having grown tired of jokes about Australia, Cracked has now gone on to imply we live in a Death universe.
• Deceptively Human Robots: Michael Swaim consistently refers to himself as "your Host Droid".
• Decon-Recon Switch: 3 Reasons It's So Hard to Make Superman Interesting spends a page deconstructing the Invincible Hero and then another reconstructing a hero faced with the Sadistic Choice of whom to save at any given moment.
• Deconstructor Fleet:
  • Frequently, the themes for the photoshop contests amount to "Show what X would be like in the real world."
  • A lot of other articles, such as "7 Reasons 'Mannequin' is the Most Terrifying Horror Movie", tend toward this theme as well. Cracked's attitude toward fictional media of any sort seems to be "This would suck if it were real, therefore you suck for enjoying it in escapist fiction."
• Department of Redundancy Department: "Now it's time to check in on the robot body I'm building to put Clippy's mind into, in a segment I like to call 'Checking in on the robot body I'm building to put Clippy's mind into.'"
• Description Cut: Quite common. Sometimes an entry will end with something along the lines of 'The only thing crazier than that would be if x happened.' with the next entry being x.
• Designated Hero: invoked 6 Movie Heroes Who Sucked at Their Jobs.
• Didn't Think This Through: Having gone to the trouble of staging an entire fake reality show to humiliate her ex's new partner, the Psycho Ex-Girlfriend in America's Best Girlfriend: America's Worst Reality Show should probably have made sure that the new girlfriend wasn't a professional sculptor before attempting to show her up with a pottery competition.
• Digital Piracy Is Evil: 5 Insane File Sharing Panics From Before The Internet
• Dirty Coward: The 5 Least Courageous Things Ever Done in a Crisis.
• Disability Superpower:
  • Someone with no legs would make a better fighter pilot because G forces wouldn't drain blood to the legs, according to the article 5 People Who Turned Awful Disabilities Into Superpowers.
  • One of Jorden Weir's 5 People Whose Major Disabilities Only Made Them Stronger is a mixed martial artist missing half of one forearm, making him a lot harder to grab.
• Disaster Dominoes: "4 Horror Movie Mashups That Would Creep You Out Big Time" outlines a scene in a hypothetical crossover movie called "Final DestinOmen", where a chain reaction of mishaps happens around David Thorne, but he ultimately survives it.
  This whole scene takes up 7.4 seconds of screen time. The entire movie is like this.
• Discredited Trope: invoked Several articles discuss tropes deemed discredited. These include 6 Sci-Fi Movie Conventions (That Need to Die) and 5 Overused Twist Endings It's Time For Movies to Retire. Taken up to eleven in The 43 Most Overused Movie Tropes.
• Dismotivation: How Kickstarter Is Terrible For Movies. Pretty glaring considering Cracked has done dozens of articles about how Hollywood's films are getting stale and repetitive.
• Disproportionate Retribution: Clippy taunts Brockway about his grammar and writing skills. In return, Brockway murders his wife, mentally destroys his children, mocks Clippy's failed suicide attempt following that, and finally summons Cthulhu to drag Clippy's bleeding body away for infinite torment. Harsh, yet hilarious.
  • And here, 7 Obnoxious Behaviours That Should Be Punishable By Death.
  • Seen again in this article.
  • Robert Brockway's playthrough of Fallout: New Vegas made him realize that he placed more value over the life of his dog companion than that of other humans. When a soldier glitched out and shot the dog, he killed every last citizen in town with a dress cane before he finally found the reload game option through the tears in his eyes.
• Distracted by the Sexy: Men make more short-term-oriented decisions after exposure to sexual stimuli, as explained in #3 of 5 Unrealistic Movie Cliches That Are Scientifically Accurate.
• Does This Remind You of Anything?: DOB considers the hair-braid USB in Avatar to be basically rape.
• Dolled-Up Installment: "5 Little-Known Sequels That Ruined Iconic Stories" explains that Charles Webb admitted that his novel Home School, the sequel to The Graduate, had the old characters shoehorned into a new story.
• Domestic Abuse: In their "14 Unintentionally Horrifying Commercials" video, a comment is made about the early part of Nintendo's ad for New Super Luigi U where Princess Peach cries out "Mario" repeatedly in tears while cowering, saying "Is this a video game ad or a domestic abuse PSA?"
• Double Standard: "5 Prejudices That Video Games Can't Seem to Get Over" claims that video games allow lesbian subtext but no male gay subtext.
• Double Standard Rape: Female on Male: Addressed in "5 Bizarre Realities of Being a Man Who Was Raped by a Woman". One of the only articles on the site where the editors actually disabled the comments section; the subject is just that controversial and divisive.
  • 7 Reasons So Many Guys Don’t Understand Sexual Consent claims that films like The Empire Strikes Back normalise sexual assault by showing Han Solo physically dominating Leia before kissing her, all the while she's putting up resistance. However, no mention is made of how earlier Leia forcefully kissed Luke Skywalker just to spite Han, showing as little regard for Luke's consent as Han showed for hers.
• Dramatic Thunder: Mentioned in 5 World Changing Decisions (Made for Ridiculous Reasons, regarding the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly.
  When Buddy found out his bassist Waylon Jennings wasn't going to be on the plane, he said to him: "Well, I hope your ol' bus freezes up." Jennings ominously replied: "Well, I hope your ol' plane crashes." A clap of thunder was heard in the background.
• Dreaded Kids' Party Entertainer Job: "I Am A Clown: 5 Truths You'll Wish I Didn't Tell You" is about the dangers that a birthday clown for hire experiences on the job. The hours are long, the performers get so little rest that they often take stimulant drugs, adults can get flirty (or worse) with the performers, the cotton candy machines are extremely dangerous, and more.
• Dream Apocalypse: In an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, via 5 Horrifying Implications of the 'Star Trek' Universe, Picard is playing holodeck when one of the characters asks him: "When you're gone, will this world still exist? Will my wife and kids still be waiting for me at home?"
• Duet Bonding: #2 of 5 Unrealistic Movie Cliches That Are Scientifically Accurate points out a study finding that people singing together end up synchronizing their brainwaves.
• Dumpster Dive: It's a way of life in Manshiyat Naser, whose residents live off Cairo's garbage, making it one of The 6 Weirdest Cities People Actually Live In.
• The Dung Ages: Debunked in "6 Ridiculous Myths About the Middle Ages Everyone Believes" and "5 Ridiculous Myths You Probably Believe About the Dark Ages".

E

• Early-Installment Weirdness: The first honest commercial, which was for condoms, had a different tone from the future videos of the series; while they were mostly about pointing out the ethical and other implications of using whatever product was being discussed, the condom one derived humor from just talking plainly about how condoms are used.
• Earn Your Happy Ending: After churning out article after depressing biographical article, John Cheese gives us this.
  • Which then eventually leads into this. Awwwwwww.
• Ear Worm: Discussed in The 6 Weirdest Cities People Actually Live In, after a bit about a city whose residents live off the capital's garbage: "Great, now we have the Sanford and Son theme stuck in our heads."
• Eldritch Abomination: Popsicle Pete.
  • None of you are safe!
  • He's only the herald. And he walks among us already.
  • Spiders tend to consistently be depicted as a borderline example of this.
  • Gustave the Giant Crocodile. Robert Evans describes him as "a living, breathing, scream-eating dinosaur that is so sick of his own immortality that he passes the time by destroying life whenever he sees it."
  • Mario Lopez.
• Elemental Embodiment: The #8 Science Lesson As Taught by Famous Video Games represents them as hot chicks.
• The End of the World as We Know It: Several articles list things that can end the world, things that can end the world when you don't expect it, and things that can end the world that already happened.
• Enforced Method Acting: Invoked. 5 Amazing Performances From Actors Who Weren't Acting and 12 Classic Movie Moments Made Possible by Abuse and Murder.
• Enhance Button: Parodied in 7 Viral Videos You Didn't Know Were Staged (and How They Did It):
  David Wong: [W]e turned the ["How I Got My Camera" viral video] over to the 30-man Cracked.com video analysis team, who spent six months processing every pixel of the original upload. After enhancing the image to a level of clarity more than 6,000 times that of the original, they reported that there was a prominent watermark for a site called wittkopp.net in the upper right.
• Enhanced Remake: The #3 Science Lesson As Taught by Famous Video Games is that "new 16-bit microscopes may prove existence of sub-pixel particles".
• Escalating Punchline: To my brain, that long string of numbers might as well have been written in Morse code. By a toddler. That is an orangutan.
• Even Evil Has Standards: "Here at Cracked, one of our specialties is "not making jokes about the rape of Nanking"".
  • 7 Ruthless Criminals Who Turned Good When Nobody Was Looking
• Even the Guys Want Him: Ever since Soren Bowie's headshot was posted in this article, most of the comment threads in his recent columns have consisted of both male and female readers fawning over him.
  • Select highlights from reader comments include:
  - Holy shiiiit Soren is a beautiful man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
  - What I'm trying to say he looks like a sexy, sexy serial killer.
  - Hmm, this seems like a well-written article full of information l can use to apply myself in the futu-SOOORRRRRRREEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
  • This reaches new heights with the "Worst Bachelorette Party Ever" video, in which Soren plays a stripper in a military uniform. And he really gets into the part.
• Every Device Is a Swiss-Army Knife: Mentioned by name in #4 of 6 Sci-Fi Movie Conventions (That Need to Die).
• Everyone Is Related: Two of the examples featured in 7 Insanely Bad Ideas Cut From 'Star Wars' At The Last Second, showing that Darth Vader was almost Boba Fett's brother and Palpatine's son.
• Everything Is Racist: A number of articles and columns have been criticized for taking this viewpoint. J.F. Sargent and Luke Mc!Kinney are probably the worst offenders, since they tend to author Cracked's political articles.
• Everything Trying to Kill You: Lots of lists involve various animals/places and how they can kill/maim/burn/harm you without even trying. Australia shows up a lot on these lists, apparently you need to kill five species of poisonous spider just to get to the bathroom.
  • Also Brockway's book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead.
• Evil Hand: Somatoparaphrenia, or the delusion that someone's limb is not his own, is discussed in The 6 Most Mind-Blowing Ways Your Brain Can Malfunction. It results from damage to the homunculus, the part of the brain that tracks where each body part is.
• Exactly What It Says on the Tin:
  • In 6 Ridiculous Tumblrs That Yahoo Just Paid $1 Billion For, Alex Hanton claims that Bruce Springsteen's Crotch and many other Tumblr blogs "stand up for truth in advertising. You click on this, you know exactly what you're getting."
  • Readers retitle several movies in this manner in If Movie Titles Were Honest.
  • If 22 Famous Video Games Titles Were Taken Literally, we'd have Ryu from Street Fighter literally punching the highway overpass.
  • Parodied in 5 Famous Movies With Political Agendas You Didn't Notice:
  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is an iconic horror movie about a van full of teenagers breaking down in the middle of backwater ... Idaho, we think. They find themselves the victims of the Sawyer family, an inbred cadre of hillbillies who nourish themselves exclusively on sweet, tender, teenage flesh. They dismember their victims through the alternative use of power tools, although we can't remember precisely what kind (it's been a while since we've seen this).
• Experimented in College: One of the myths in 5 Ridiculous Sex Myths Everyone Believes.

F

• Failed Future Forecast: Six terrifying sci-fi predictions (of 1997)
• Fake Nationality: invoked Resulting accent dissonance called The Single Stupidest Way Movies Deal with Foreign Languages.
• Fake Pregnancy: One article (here) consists of an informal social experiment, in which the author set up a fictional dating profile for a thoroughly repellent, morally bankrupt (but very attractive) woman and observes how many men will overlook her numerous very obvious character flaws nevertheless. The fictional woman repeatedly alludes to lying to men about being pregnant, for various reasons.
  • It's also #5 of Tje 5 Strangest Ways Your Mind Can Get Your Body Sick.
• Falling Damage: 29 Baffling Rules of Life in Video Game Universes shows a player character whose gimmick is Le Parkour but for whom a long fall is instant death.
• Famous, Famous, Fictional: This is #5 of 6 Sci-Fi Movie Conventions (That Need to Die), the example being "Newton, Einstein, Sulak".
• Fanon Discontinuity: invokedReferenced in "6 Incredible Spoilers Hidden In Famous Video Games", in which Batman: Arkham City is descibed as "the second game in the Arkham trilogy (or the stunning conclusion if you're a PC gamer)", invoking the reception of the Porting Disaster of Batman: Arkham Knight.
• Fan Remake: See freeware games below.
• Fantastic Racism:
  • An article 6 Horrifying Implications of Awesome Fantasy Movie Universes mentions how Middle-earth is segregated in the time of The Lord of the Rings: "There are no humans or elves living in the Shire, and if a hobbit is going to live in Rivendell, he'd better be a big goddamned deal."
  • J.F. Sargent calls the very existence of Fantasy Counterpart Cultures one of the "5 Prejudices That Video Games Can't Seem to Get Over".
• Fastball Special: One of 31 Life Lessons You Can Only Learn From Video Games is that "your unborn children make awesome weapons." The example given is from Yoshi's Island.
• Fauxtivational Poster: Photoplasty contest 28 Inspirational Image Memes (Revised for Honesty) parodies Successories and other inspirational glurge posters.
• Felony Misdemeanor: Tom Reimann's column is called Tom Reimann MUST BE STOPPED!. The banner for his articles shows him in a Doctor Doom-style getup, holding a can of red spraypaint, standing in front of a building labeled "Art Museum" that has a big red letter F tagged next to "art".
• Fetish Retardant: invoked The 8 Most Misguided Attempts at 'Sexy' Videos on YouTube describes several videos that could be taken as this.
• 15 Minutes of Fame: #1 of 6 New Kinds of Anxiety the Internet Gave Us is "The Shock of Instant, Unintentional Fame".
• Filler: The major columnists for the site almost never update on Saturday, so the site tends to link to images from older Photoshop contests to pad out the front page. Which some readers still bitch about like it's a new thing.
• Fire, Ice, Lightning: 6 Badass Tricks You Can Do With Fire (That Might Kill You), 5 Scientific Ways To Make Water Do Magic, and 6 Badass Tricks You Can (But Shouldn't) Do With Electricity. Don't try these at home.
• First-Name Basis: The Roger Horton character from the Honest Ads sketches always introduces himself as "Roger" in a phony attempt to endear himself to the audience.
• Flame War: #2 of 6 New Kinds of Anxiety the Internet Gave Us is "The Dread of Stumbling into a Hornet's Nest".
• Flash Mob: In "College of DuPage Flash Mob Dance and Pep Rally", one of 5 Videos That Will Brighten Your Day, a half dozen people perform rehearsed dance moves, and then someone outside the group spontaneously joins in the dance fever. "Oh, life is a musical now? OK, I'd better adapt!"
  • Jerusalem Syndrome, #2 of "The 5 Strangest Ways Your Mind Can Get Your Body Sick", gets called "the world's slowest flash mob" at one point.
• Flipping the Bird: Some pictures show people doing that a lot in top-number lists.
• Follow the Money: Levitating coins are explained as lighter-than-air currency in the #7 Science Lesson As Taught by Famous Video Games.
• Forbidden Fruit: 7 Hilariously Predictable Porn Trends from across the Globe shows that internet searches for gay porn are highest in countries where homosexuality is illegal.
• Foreign Queasine: The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World.
• Forehead of Doom: #12 of 29 Insane pastimes that prove history was terrifying details how women in 15th century Europe would pluck their hairlines to create the high-forehead look often seen in paintings.
• Foreshadowing: 6 Mind-Blowing Foreshadowing Hidden in Famous TV Shows explains how the savvy viewer would have picked up on the ending of Breaking Bad by paying close attention to a cassette tape shown at the start of the episode; how The Mole from Arrested Development was revealed during a throw-away joke from season 2, and a few other major reveals from well-known shows.
• For Science!: 6 Most Badass Stunts Pulled In The Name Of Science.
• For the Evulz: 4 Reasons Humans Will Never Understand Each Other discusses this trope and how we can dehumanize others by assuming this as a motivation.
• "Freaky Friday" Flip: When Body Switching Movies Collide is a skit done by the Cracked staff. It starts off when Sam Leaped into Ellen Cunningham's mind after she switched bodies with Anna. Sam Cunningham, Ellen's dead husband, shows up, explaining how he will possess Sam and have sex with Ellen one last time. Al argues that Ghost Sam possessing Quantum Leap Sam to have sex with Ellen would result in Anna's body having sex with Helen, who has Anna's mind at the moment. The Ghost Sam leaves in disgust, saying he plans to have sex with someone else. Al reveals that Anna is a secret agent hired for the Stargate project in the Torchwood Institute in Roswell. Trinity, who works for the Millenium Corporation, shows up in a Slider Hole and explains that the world is a false reality created by sophiscated computers contained within the mind of John Horatio Malkovich. When Quantum Leap Sam asks Al to Leap him out of this madness, Al can't because he's actually a Cylon. It turns out it was all Michael Swaim's dream, and the camera zooms out to reveal that sequence was imagined by Michael looking at his snowglobe.
• Freeware Games: The whole point of 5 Improved Versions of Classic Games That Fans Made For Free.
• Freudian Slip: From this video: "I've been your boobs, Michael Boobs. Allow me to boobs you tits".
• Fridge Logic: Invoked in quite a few articles which consist of thinking about the surprisingly gruesome implications of popular TV shows and movies.
  • Sometimes they will make an Aside Comment about the main point of discussion.
  (talking about the memory of the elephants) When the samples were from elephants who were far away, or had not yet passed by the area, the elephants reacted with surprise. We're not sure how the scientists detected "surprise" in elephants, but we trust their judgment.
• Fun Size: Calling tiny, trick-or-treat size candy bars "fun size", or calling any sort of eating "fun" for that matter, is one of The 5 Stupidest Lies Advertisers Expect You to Believe. It compares the practice to little people demanding to be called "fun size".
• Fun with Acronyms: Michael Swaim starts off every episode of Cracked TV with Some Weird Acronym Instead of a Monologue. His official blog on the site is called "Slander Without Any Inherent Meaning".
  • Also Spelling Wuz Aever a Iuge Mriority.
    • And Swaim (s)Wimulates A (human) IMotion.
  • For Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness value, he had Somnambulists Wainscot Antidisestablishmentarianistically Irrespective of Malapropisms.
  • Stutter. Wow. Awkward! I am so sorry. Moving on.
  • Gary Busey's Explorations of Science has a bunch:
    • "[This textbook] might contradict what your eyeballs tell you, but that means it's working. EYEBALLS stands for Events You Experience by Alien Laser LieRay Satellites."
    • "If everyone wasn't special, no one would be. Which is why SPECIAL stands for Sunny Pals Extremely Chromosomed and Immune to Apes and Lightning."
    • Gary Busey even manages to plan an acronym around his own death: "LEARNING stands for Leading Excitement! Argh! Reality! No! I— No! GAAAAHH!!!!"
• Furry Confusion: 6 Insane Disney Comics You Won't Believe Are Real shows panels from an educational comic in an issue of Look magazine showing Dr. Mickey Mouse testing sulfa drugs on common mice.

G

• Gag Penis:
  • "Horse Cock: A Life in 27 Inches" is about a man who tries to convince everyone he has a big penis using Blatant Lies. He even says it's strong, flexible, and prehensile enough to use in a fight.
  • "The Poop Unicorn and 5 Other Bizarre Mythical Creatures" has the Kurupi, the Paraguayan version of an incubus. The "members" of the Kurupi are so long and prehensile that they don't sneak into your house to sleep with you, their "member" itself does. They even wrap it around themselves, so it won't drag on the floor.
• Gameplay Ally Immortality: From 29 Baffling Rules of Life in Video Game Universes: "Large boss enemy: dead in 8 hits. Random weak NPC: dead in 38,401,552 hits and counting."
• The Generic Guy: Bucholz isn't very generic, but compared to all the other columnists, he's notable for being Cracked's foremost "columnist with no outstanding warrants".
  • Bucholz is one of the only columnists who paints himself as someone with at least a little common sense and morals, however the subject of the articles themselves are some of the craziest of the bunch, including: things learned breaking into P. Diddy's house, guides for using occupy wall street to pick up chicks, people who are accidentally stalking actress Helen Mirren, attacking animals with a bicycle chain, and crashing a royal wedding.
• Germans Love David Hasselhoff: In-universe again. "7 Things From America That Are Insanely Popular Overseas." And yes, the Trope Namer is at the top of the list.
• "Get Back Here!" Boss: Deconstructed in "5 Famous Video Game Villains (Who Are Actually the Victim)", when they use the fact that Kirby's Adventure boss Heavy Mole spends the entire battle desperately tunneling away from Kirby (who won't stop chasing him until he's dead) as part of their proof that Kirby is the actual bad guy.
• Giant Flyer: Argentavis is #5 of 7 (Thankfully) Extinct Giant Versions of Modern Animals.
• Gift for an Outgrown Interest: A children's party planner recounts the time they planned a Western-themed Bar Mitzvah party because the boy's favorite movie at age 8 was Home on the Range. His parents never bothered to ask him 5 years later whether he still wanted that theme. Needless to say, the boy became one mortified mensch that day.
• Girl on Girl Is Hot: 4 People Who Really Are Making the World a Better Place plays with this about Pope Francis, who has pointed out how the church has become too obsessed with gay marriage and abortion, when it should be everyone's job to shut up and support the people who do support those things.
  God loves lesbians, so stop being a dick and love them, too.
• Go-Karting with Bowser: Mario's numerous roles are evidence of a multiverse in the #15 Science Lesson As Taught by Famous Video Games.
• Go Mad from the Revelation: Poor Michael Swaim suffers this at the end of this Does Not Compute episode when (click here^note he sees a video of a woman who produces knitted works made with wool she first runs through her vagina to reveal major Squick).
• God Wins Law Of Facial Hair: "The Last Guy to Wear a Hitler Mustache in America" is about a man in 1940s America who adamantly refuses to shave off his toothbrush mustache. When told by his boss about how much it makes him look like Hitler, he responds in increasingly Hitler-esque ways.
  "I need this job. I've got nine kids at home. Nine! Nine! Nine!"
• Good Cop/Bad Cop: Parodied here along with Ripped from the Headlines and countless other Cop Show clichés.
• A Good Name for a Rock Band: Pops up on occasion.
  • Joey Clifton calls dibs on "Wanton Chinese Tomb Destruction" in 6 Priceless Ancient Artifacts Destroyed by Idiots.
• Goshdang It To Heck: John Cheese is prone to cluster F-bombs, so it gets pretty funny when he makes an effort to avoid them.
• Grail in the Garbage: 5 Pieces of Junk That Turned Out To Be Invaluable Artifacts
• "Groundhog Day" Loop: 10 Life Lessons That 'Tetris' Can Teach You
• Ground Pound: Mid-air direction changes and surviving falls are the #9 Science Lesson As Taught by Famous Video Games.
• Growing Up Sucks: Daniel O'Brien has written two articles about why growing up sucks; however, both Gladstone and Brockway have written articles explaining why it doesn't suck. John Cheese, meanwhile, has written at least one from each perspective.
  • This is increasingly a focus of the articles; possibly because at least two of the columnists are now parents. There have been at least two articles on the subject of the economy and how tough it is to be not poor anymore.
  • Though Dan O'Brien did write a terrific article in which he explained positive sides such as complete freedom at home, the ability and means to do fun things on impulse, being able to say no to things and not having to justify decisions to people. Cheese also included a great rebuttal in 5 Reasons Life Really Does Get Better in which he explained the freedom that living on Your own will bring and how the world isn't as bad as young people sometimes believe.

H

• Hacking Minigame: 29 Baffling Rules of Life in Video Game Universes shows games that depict hacking as a maze, a Frogger clone, a memory game, or a word search.
• Handicapped Badass: Among Jorden Weir's 5 People Whose Major Disabilities Only Made Them Stronger are a legless mountain climber and a blind pilot.
• Hard Truth Aesop: 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person stresses that the world only cares about what you can do for it, and says, almost verbatim, that you are your job.
• Hard Work Fallacy: Strangely, David Wong alternatively plays it straight or deconstructs it, depending on the essay. It's deconstructed in "6 Things Rich People Need To Stop Saying" and "The 5 Most Useless Pieces of Advice Everyone Gives", yet falls completely for it in "5 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Own Life". It's particularly strange in the latter case because one of the given examples (obese people being unable to lose weight because they lack the motivation to do so) also appears in the second essay, but there Wong makes exactly the opposite point.
• Has Two Thumbs and...: In this article about bizarre animal drug testing describes a hypothetical human volunteer for an experiment involving methamphetamines and electricity as having two thumbs, not minding tasers and loving meth. The article then describes another hypothetical volunteer, Jimmy Handclaws, as not having two thumbs but still loving meth.
• Have a Gay Old Time: In The 5 Most Absurd Superhero Names of All-Time, Maxwell Yezpitelok mentions the World War II-era comic book examples of The Gay Ghost as well as "hav[ing] never felt so queer" in Flick Falcon.
• Heal Thyself:
  • Among the 7 Video Game Healing Methods Least Likely to Actually Work
  • The #22 Science Lesson As Taught by Famous Video Games is a medkit, and #9 is "Green Heart + Red Heart = Full Health".
  • A healing factor is portrayed as undesirable in 6 Awesome Superpowers (That Would Suck in Real Life) because the intense pain would lead to post-traumatic stress disorder.
  • One of 31 Life Lessons You Can Only Learn From Video Games is that "first aid kits are absorbed through osmosis".
• Heavy Sleeper: "5 Amazing Things That People Managed to Sleep Through".
• Hell Is That Noise: invoked7 Bizarre Sounds From Outer Space featured Saturn, or as it was called, the screeching space phantom.
• Heroes Gone Fishing: One of 31 Life Lessons You Can Only Learn From Video Games is that "your princess can always wait a little longer" to complete a Fishing Minigame.
• Heroic Bystander: 5 Unknown Schmucks Who Turned Into Superheroes in the Clutch and 6 Nobodies Who Turned Into Superheroes Without Warning.
• Heroic Dolphin: Cracked deconstructs this by listing dolphins in both The 6 Biggest Assholes In The Animal Kingdom and The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You.
• Hide Your Children: From 29 Baffling Rules of Life in Video Game Universes: "Around 8 million people in the city, and nobody bothers to have kids anymore."
• High-Pressure Blood: One of 31 Life Lessons You Can Only Learn From Video Games is that "a person's volume of blood often exceeds 78 liters."
• Hipster: 4 Awful Things We're Now Considering Nerd Behavior not only pokes fun at them, but points out how easy it is to be one. Many nerds and geeks are secretly hipsters themselves because of the four listed reasons. #3: Hipsters don't like the idea of their favorite media making money and becoming "popular". #2: It sickens hipsters to see "normal" people showing off their interests in the same things. Especially if that person doesn't look like they should have anything to do with it. #1 really drives the point home.
  You know your friend who's read the books George R. R. Martin wrote before he started Game of Thrones, or the one who watches nothing but authentic, untranslated Japanese anime, or the guy who has at some point in his life been a member of Sonic Youth? They're the ubernerds. They're super-pretentious, and they (fine — we) are insufferable. Not because of our taste for obscurity, but because of our arrogance. We act like knowing more about the artist makes us better, even though all it really means is that we spend our free time differently from "normal" people.
• Hiroshima as a Unit of Measure: Someone who is especially out of their mind is often described as "Gary Busey crazy."
• Historical Badass Upgrade: They like to do this to Theodore Roosevelt.
• Historical Villain Upgrade: Mentioned in “6 Books Everyone Got Wrong”; specifically that giving him a Historical Villain Upgrade was how people got Machiavelli wrong. Hilariously they themselves call him Grima Wormtongue in the article.
• Hollywood Hacking: Completely Deconstructed in 5 hacking Myths You Probably Believe Thanks To Movies.
• Home Porn Movie: It's a worse idea than you think, according to Ian Fortey.
• Hope Spot: This article. Then, the next day, this article happened.
• Horse of a Different Color: One of 31 Life Lessons You Can Only Learn From Video Games is that "if you have the right saddle, you can ride on freaking anything."
• Hot Skitty-on-Wailord Action: 29 Baffling Rules of Life in Video Game Universes shows two pairs of visually similar creatures from Pokémon, captioned "Can't make baby." Then it shows the trope-naming cat and whale: "Can make baby."
• Human Mail: The 5 Most Badass Ways People Escaped from Slavery relates the story of Henry "Box" Brown, an African-American slave in Virginia successfully escaped to Philadelphia inside a crate and later bragged about how he did it. Slavery opponent Frederick Douglass was infuriated because he wanted this escape method to be kept secret so that other slaves could use it.
• Humanoid Abomination: Brockway, over the course of a drug-addled gossip-magazine-sponsored day-long interview, slowly comes to learn that this applies to Mario Lopez.
  • See Popsicle Pete? That is not the voice of a Down's Syndrome-looking ginger in a marching band outfit.
  • Mario Lopez's nature as a creature not meant to walk this Earth has been further documented.
• Humanoid Aliens: Some xenobiologists argue that convergent evolution to a humanoid form is more likely than Starfish Aliens, according to #1 of 5 Unrealistic Movie Cliches That Are Scientifically Accurate.
• Humiliation Conga: 6 Badass Old-Yimey Christmas Mascots We Need To Bring Back gives us the Nuuttipukki, a Finnish monster straight from your nightmares who shows up a few weeks after Christmas, intent on drinking all your beer. If you don't get him drunk enough before he heads to the next house, he'll curse your family to experience a veritable conga line of ridiculously bad luck for the entire year.
• Hunting the Most Dangerous Game: 6 Great Movies Where People Are Hunted for Sport.
• Hurricane of Puns: The Cracked commentators would form one of these if the situation presents itself.
  • For The 15 Most Cringe-Worthy James Bond Puns, they couldn't decide which pun from The Spy Who Loved Me to single out as #2, so they instead present "The Horrible Pun Marathon".
    Christian Ames: Maybe, we should call this one The Spy Who Made Constant Double Entendres For the Entire Movie, So Much So That No One Can Remember The Plot and Just Thinks It Was a Movie About Double Entendres.
• Hyperactive Metabolism:
  • One of the 7 Video Game Healing Methods Least Likely to Actually Work
  • One of 31 Life Lessons You Can Only Learn From Video Games is that "eating food you find in the trash is good for you."
• Hypocritical Humor: A subtle and recurring theme of "Cracked TV" is that the Real Life Michael Swaim is just as guilty of all the things that his character criticizes about everyone else. This was dropped in "Does Not Compute", where the focus is on more "out there" topics.

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