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    The Offroaders 

Simon Bird

Played by: Charlie Higson
Simon, along with his friend Lyndsay, is making a video of their outdoor exploits to try to impress the people at their Offroading club. However, he is unable to hide the fact that they are crap at everything they do.
  • All There in the Manual: His surname is never heard in any of the sketches.
  • Cool Shades: He is almost always seen wearing sunglasses.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Simon is often very mean to Lyndsay, but he is quick to try and calm him down when Lyndsay gets frightened.
  • Mushroom Samba: When he and Lyndsay go on a Survival Expedition, they cook some mushrooms he found (and top put them on a pizza Lyndsay got from a nearby Pizza Hut). The next time we see him, Simon is high and covered in face paint, and calling himself the Mushroom God.
  • In-Series Nickname: Si

Lyndsay Motteram

Played by: Paul Whitehouse
Lyndsay, unlike his friend Simon, seems to hold the view that their adventures are just a bit of fun. He is contently laughing or telling crap jokes to Simon or the camera, much to his friend's irritation.

Baz

Baz is Lyndsay and Simon's friend, who comes along with them on their adventures to film them on his camera.

    Rowley Birkin QC 
Played by: Paul Whitehouse
A sozzled old minister who tells long rambling stories about his life.
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    Ron Manager 

Ron Manager

Played by Paul Whitehouse
A former footballer, Ron Manager is a middle aged manager and pundit, who is often found in the commentary box during football matches. Unfortunately, Ron is prone to talking about literally anything but the football, much to the irritation of the presenter and Tommy.
  • Ambiguously Gay: Ron frequently makes comments about how various football players are attractive, and on one occasion says this:
"Which is another reason not to kiss girls!"
  • Catchphrase:'Small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts...'.
  • Verbal Tic: 'Isn't it?' 'Wasn't it?' 'Hmm?' 'Marvellous!'
  • Waxing Lyrical: Ron does this constantly. Sometimes, he actually starts singing.

Tommy Stein

Played by Mark Williams
A Scottish former footballer, Tommy is often found sitting next to Ron in the commentary box. He is much more sensible than Ron, usually actually answering the questions given to him, although he sometimes acts just as badly as Ron.
  • Ambiguously Gay: Tommy has joined in Ron's discussions about which footballers they find most attractive.
  • Waxing Lyrical: Tommy is prone to doing this too.

    Ted and Ralph 

Ralph Mayhew

Played by Charlie Higson
Ralph lives alone in the manor house in the village he grew up in. His parents are dead and he isn't married. The only person he regularly talks to is his groundskeeper, Ted. It is no great secret to everyone in the village that Ralph is gay, and the object of his affection is Ted. Ralph spends most of his time trying not-so-subtly trying to ask Ted out, with little success.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: Ralph is a very nice, calm person, but he will snap and yell at anyone who insults Ted.
    • A good example of this is when Ralph is out shooting in the grounds with Clive, a fellow landowner. Clive keeps insulting Ted (including picking on him for being Irish and expecting him to do menial jobs like cleaning his shoes), and Ralph visibly gets more and more tense and irritated, before finally snapping:
      Ralph (Screaming and grabbing Clive's jacket): LEAVE HIM ALONE! LEAVE! HIM! ALONE!
  • Cannot Spit It Out
  • The Woobie: Ralph is the sort of character you just want to hug.

Ted

Played by Paul Whitehouse
Ted is an Irish groundskeeper, and lives in the cottage inside the grounds of the Mayhew manor house. He has worked there since he was a young man; he used to work for Ralph's father, and now works for Ralph. He is married to Esther, but she dies some time during the third series. Ted spends most of his time gently rejecting Ralph's offers.
  • Bi the Way: He is happily married to his wife, but sometimes seems to reciprocate Ralph's feelings for him.
  • Catchphrase: He is much concerned with "the drainage in the lower fields", although this does often seem to be a bit of a tactic to try and extricate himself from an awkward conversation with Ralph.
  • Known Only By His Nickname: Ted's full name (Edward) is not heard until series 3 episode 8 and his surname is never given at all.
  • The Woobie: Ted certainly becomes one of these after his wife dies.

    Archie 

Archie

Played by Paul Whitehouse
Archie, an ageing pub bore, is usually found in his local pub of an evening. Sporting a three piece suit and always carrying a pint of beer and a lit cigarette, he is apparently lonely, because he doesn't seem to have anyone to talk to. This leads him to approach strangers and start talking to them about their interest or job. Somehow, Archie is always an expert in this subject, and rambles on about how he did it for 'thirty years, man and boy'. However, these conversations always end with Archie giving the person a lecture about fishing and Frank Sinatra.
  • Catchphrase: 'Thirty years, man and boy'.
  • Fan Dumb: Archie is a textbook example of the monomaniac subtype.
  • The Woobie: Archie's situation is rather depressing, when you think about it. He lives alone, his dog his ill, and on one occasion he reveals that he's had suicidal thoughts.

    Dave Angel 

Dave Angel

Played by Simon Day
Dave Angel, Eco Warrior is a typical Essex lad with one key difference: he actually cares about the environment. He appears to be presenting his own television programme, teaching the public about how to help the environment. However, his efforts are constantly hindered by his wife, Shirley.
  • Funny Background Event: Shirley is often doing the exact thing Dave is warning against in the background whilst he is talking to the camera.
  • No Fourth Wall: Dave talks directly to the camera.

    Bob Fleming 

Bob Fleming

Played by Charlie Higson
Bob Fleming is the ageing host of the long-running country TV programme, Country Matters. He is very passionate about his job, but, unfortunately for Nick, the producer, Bob cannot stop coughing long enough for the viewers to actually understand what he is saying. He is often joined by his various friends, who all have similar problems.

Clive Tucker

Played by Mark Williams
Clive Tucker is one of Bob's oldest friends. A recurring guest on 'Country Matters', he too loves the country, but his hay fever often means he can't stop sneezing.

Jed Thomas

Played by Paul Whitehouse
Jed Thomas is another of Bob's friends, and the other recurring guest on 'Country Matters'. His problem is that he appears to have Tourette's Syndrome, and so cannot stop saying the word 'arse'.
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     Swiss Toni 

Swiss Toni

Played by Charlie Higson
The suave middle-aged owner of a used car dealership. Flashily-presented in a silver-grey double-breasted suit, a large bouffant and moustache, Toni tends to view life through the single prism of his sexual appetites. He sees himself as a man of the world mentoring his young employee Paul in the ways of the world and selling cars, but it quickly becomes apparent that his life is not running as smooth as he presents himself.
  • Catchphrase: "Doing [X], Paul, is like making love to a beautiful woman..."
  • Hidden Depths: For all his apparent charm and sophistication, events in his personal life appear to have shattered his confidence.
  • Hollywood Mid-Life Crisis: One that, as the sketches progress, gradually starts to boil over into a full-blown mental collapse.
  • Just Like Making Love: His Running Gag.
  • Madness Mantra: One late-arc sketch ends with Toni, having gotten lost in a Metaphorgotten rant about the similarities between making a cup of coffee and sleeping with a woman and sending Paul out to deal with a customer that he was too frightened to handle himself, alone in his office muttering "Got to get it back, Toni... got to get it back..." to himself.
  • Metaphorgotten: As his marriage falls apart, his business fails and his life gradually crumbles, his constant comparisons to making love to beautiful women start to become a lot more tenuous.
  • Sexist Used Car Salesman: Practically the dictionary definition of the trope. One of his final sketches involves him, after undergoing some therapy, amazed to discover that women are actually people.
  • Small Name, Big Ego: While it may have been true at one point, it's heavily implied that Swiss Toni's boasts of success have not been as accurate as he'd like for a while; his car dealership never seems to have customers, his marriage appears to have broken down, and for all his braggadocio about the opposite sex the one time a woman actually appears at the lot he spends his time hiding in his office pontificating until she eventually goes away.
  • Story Arc: His sketches follow an ongoing narrative surrounding the collapse of his marriage and business and a gradual nervous breakdown.
  • Wham Line: "FOR GOD'S SAKE PAUL! Do you not realise?! I'm... having a nervous breakdown..."

Paul

Played by Rhys Thomas
Toni's young employee on the car lot. While less experienced in the world, he has lots more common sense than his employer.
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