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All of the characters listed here are in one way or another expies or parodies of iconic Star Trek/Star Wars/ Sci-fi- characters in general.

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The Crew of the space ship U.S.S. Ente

     Captain Captenne Capitanöse

An elderly, quirky, irresponsible woman who bears a striking resemblance to the character Frau Lehrerin from Coldmirrors other webshow Japanoschlampen.

  • Alliterative Name: Captenne Capitanöse.
  • Bad Boss: She never listens to her second-in-command Dave, has no problem with sacrificing other crew members and cares more for her miniature cacti than her crew.
  • The Captain: Not a very good one, though.
  • Expy: Of Captain Katherine Janeway from the series Star Trek - Voyager.
  • Idiot Hero: She recruits a xenomorph to serve as the Ente's new mechanic in the first episode. Said xenomorph had previously attacked and killed the crew of the U.S.S Nostromo, but since he was carrying the name tag of one of the deceased crew members (Hans-Rudi) she mistakenly believed he was part of the crew and had managed to fend the intruder off by himself.
  • Interspecies Romance: She has the hots for Lieutenant Miffi, or at least shows signs of attraction every now and then.

     First Officer Commander Stach Lee 
A cactus Captain Capitanöse brought with her from the academy. It somehow managed to become the first officer of the Ente.

     Commander Dave

The second-in-command of the Ente. Half of his face is covered by a metal plate.

  • Beleaguered Assistant: To Captain Capitanöse.
  • Butt-Monkey: Almost every episode has him insulted, injured or otherwise abused.
  • Cassandra Did It: When something goes wrong, the captain tends to blame him for it. Even though most of the time he tried to warn her beforehand.
  • Cloudcuckoolander's Minder: He tries his best to keep the captain out of trouble. He fails most of the time, but he still tries.
  • Covert Pervert: He's seen reading a suggestive robot-magazine in episode 12 and reacts very embarassed when Captain Capitanöse walks in on him.
  • Kind Hearted Cat Lover: He states that "cute lucky cats" are his favorite thing.
  • Nice Guy: Probably the only one out of the crew.
  • No-Respect Guy: Despite his high rank, he's frequently mocked and ridiculed by the other crew members, especially A.R.S.C.H..
  • Only Sane Man: Dave is often the only one to notice and point out imminent danger.
  • Repetitive Name: If his gravestone is anything to go by, his full name is "Dave Dave Dave Dave". Then again, ARSCH put it there.
  • Running Gag: Often gets told how ugly he is by Captain Capitanöse and/or A.R.S.C.H..
  • Wide-Eyed Idealist: He genuinely believes in the Ente's mission to go where no man has gone before and explore strange, new worlds. Not for the money, but for their lust for adventure. As Captain Capitanöse is quick to inform him, he is the only one aboard who does.

     Assistierendes Refraktäres Synthetisches Computer Hirn 9000 (A.R.S.C.H 9000)

A highly intelligent robot who serves as Captain Capitanöses left hand man. Hates all humans, especially Dave.

  • A.I. Is a Crapshoot: He works as an assistant android on a space ship, but he can't stand organic life and would rather watch humans get killed or maimed in horrific ways than help them.
  • Ambiguously Bi: He's had a short relationship with a (supposedly female) bacteria colony and his "hatred" for commander Dave is heavily implied to be some form of Belligerent Sexual Tension.
  • Composite Character: His design is obviously inspired by HAL 9000, his personality however brings GLaDOS to mind. His love for vulgar jokes (and his name) is taken from Ass.
  • Cyber Cyclops: Has one gigantic red eye.
  • Fun with Acronyms: His name spells out the German word for ass.
  • Heroic Sacrifice: Pulls one in episode 11, where he lets Dave activate his self-destruct mode in order to save the crew from an armed criminal. He survives, but loses his memories for a short time.
  • Hidden Heart of Gold: Despite his frequent claims that he hates all humans (especially Dave) he never actively harms anyone on board the Ente. That doesn't mean he won't laugh at their misery, though.
  • Jerkass: He's a sociopathic sadist and a bully.
  • Kill All Humans: He despises humans and relishes in their death and misery.
  • Killer Robot: What he would like to be.
  • Ridiculously Human Robot: Why would anyone program an assistant-android that hates humans and actually has the ability to get bored?
  • Running Gag: A.R.S.C.H. gets excited every time something bad happens to a human, but quickly backpedals when confronted about it.
    A.R.S.C.H: Just one dead human? Too bad, so few!
    Dave: What?
    A.R.S.C.H: Uhm... Oh no, a dead human! May god protect his immortal soul!
  • Verbal Tic: Has a tendency to stretch out the A in Daves name.
  • Worf Had the Flu: He can't do anything to stop the Alpha-Muroids in episode 14 because his gears are full of small animal bedding.

     Security Chief Lieutenant Miffi

The Entes' chief of security. He belongs to the species of the Alpha-Muroids and always carries a gigantic laser canon with him.

  • Badass Adorable: He may look cute and cuddly, but he's probably one of the strongest crew members and he knows how to handle a gun.
  • BFG: Carries a huge laser-rifle with him at all times.
  • Culture Justifies Anything: Played for laughs. His species has a long list of obscure, gross and sometimes straight-up horrifying traditions that he abides by wherever he goes, including, but not limited to: eating their own excrement, marking territory by urinating on it and eating their young and fallen.
  • Hates Being Called Cute: At least on Ente-Day.
  • My Country, Right or Wrong: Subverted. When two other Alpha-Muroids try to take over the Ente in episode 14, they try to pull this on him by calling him "tamed" and ask him how long he's had to suppress his natural urge to fight while living with the humans. He agrees that it has been a while since he had a real fight - then proceeds to fight them.
  • Proud Warrior Race Guy: Played for laughs. His species the Alpha-Muroids are a race of strong and capable warriors who look like cute little mice and have the names to match.
  • Vocal Evolution: His debut episode had his voice deepened by a software. By the fourth episode, coldmirror is doing a Guttural Growler voice without any technical help.
  • Worf Had the Flu: He's unable to arrest the mugger in episode 11 because he left his laser-rifle in the rest room after taking selfies with it of all things.

     Chief Engineer "Hans-Rudi"

A Xenomorph who functions as the ships chief engineer. He was recruited by the captain personally after she mistook him for Hans-Rudi, the captain of the U.S.S Nostromo (whom he had previously killed).

  • Instant Expert: Somehow manages to do tasks successfully by just hitting some buttons.
  • Mistaken Identity: "Hans-Rudi" is the astronaut who got killed by this alien creature. Because he had his nametag attached to him, the Captain thought it was the name of the creature. Since then, everyone calls him that way.
  • Running Gag: He never actually speaks, yet somehow Captain Capitanöse can understand what he's saying and even interprets some of it as genuinely good advice.
  • Unusually Uninteresting Sight: No one really cares that a bloodthirsty alien creature is part of the crew. The others also just turn a blind eye to him murdering the other crew-members.
  • Xenomorph Xerox: Duh.


     Professor Mcprofessorface

A scientist who ended up lost in the stream after one of his experiments went awry. Unfortunately for him the Ente had no room to house him and he was sent back shortly after Dave freed him.

  • And I Must Scream: He was dissolved to atom-level by the plasma he was researching, confining him to the stream. Thanks to the Ente's transporter he gets his body back, but Captain Capitanöse puts him onto an USB because there's not place for him on the ship. She forgets to release him at the next space port, so he's essentially forced to re-live his traumatic experience for half a year until "Sweet Streams".
  • Alas, Poor Villain: A non-lethal example. He just wanted out of the stream and the only reason he attacked the Ente in "Sweet Streams" was because he felt rightfully angry at being left on a USB for no good reason. He ends up tricked into the same predicament at the end, completely unaware that he's been trapped in-between dimensions again.

     Dr. Flash
A human scientist who lives alone on a deserted planet. He had a partner once, but chose to sacrifice him in order to save the last of an endangered local species.
  • Faux Affably Evil: He was nothing but polite to the Ente crew when they touched down on the planet's surface, even offering them food. When they visit the second time and try to warn him and Gordon about the creature that killed an expendable crew member he's much less friendly, waving their concerns off and telling them to leave him alone. He acted like that because he was afraid they'd discover Gordon was long dead and the thing posing as him was the man-eating monster they were looking for.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: He let the local fat-parasite consume his partner Gordon so it could survive, because he was tired of seeing endangered species die out.

     Gordon/ The fat-eating creature
Click here to see it's true form 
Flash's only company on the dying planet after he sacrificed his partner to it.
  • Ambiguously Gay: His manner of speech and clothing suggests this. Subverted. He, or rather, it is an alien creature that sucks up other people's fat to survive, so it's probably not attracted to anyone.
  • Last of His Kind: Due to the fat-rivers on it's planet drying out, it's entire species starved to death. It only surived thanks to Dr. Flash feeding it it's partner's body fat.
  • Undignified Death: Captain Capitanöse blows it's upper body off with her fazer and Dave makes a really bad pun right after. No one but Flash seems at all sad that it died.

     The Nanobots 
Microscopis robots made by Dave to adjust the waving of his lucky cat. They'd rather wreak havoc on the ship, though.
  • Didn't Think This Through: They agreed to being set free into space shortly before a super nova exploded. It didn't end well for them.
  • Grew Beyond Their Programming: Thanks to Dave bringing them into the Ente's systems, they've gotten a lot more intelligent, being able to manipulate the entire ship, multiply and communicate.
  • Nanomachines: Their original purpose was to slow the waving of Dave's lucky cat, which they abandoned after gaining sentience.

     Niveauvolle Intelligente Intuitive Idealisierte Computer Entität (N.I.I.I.C.E 9000)
A more advanced version of ARSCH.
  • Always Someone Better: The entire point of his episode's plot. After only two minutes on the Ente he's already sorted the Captain's miniature cacti, polished every surface and cleaned out the ventilation shaft. He is also a lot more polite than A.R.S.C.H and way better at telling jokes. Oh, and he still has both of his arms. Slightly subverted since it's his highly advanced artificial brain that leads hims to overload and fall into a coma upon seeing an optical illusion and not being able to decide if it depicted two faces or a vase.
  • Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: He's nothing but friendly to the organic life-forms, but calls A.R.S.C.H garbage right to his face on his first appearance.
    • This attitude is reversed by the time of his second appearance in "Arsch, Robot". He's grown to hate humans, but has grown fond of his android brethren, even calling A.R.S.C.H "brother" at one point.
  • The Bus Came Back: And tried to drive over a few people when doing so. "Arsch, Robot" reveals he wasn't dead, but only comatose and was left in the cargo to rot. The loneliness didn't do his sanity any favors.
  • Go Mad from the Isolation: The Ente-crew put him into the depot after his positronic brain malfunctioned, unaware that he has a backup, because they didn't read his manual. A disposable crew member woke him back up, but by then he already had plenty of time to become vengeful.
  • Multi-Armed and Dangerous: Uses four arms he "borrowed" from the other ARSCH-androids in the depot and wants to destroy humanity when Dave and Captain Capitanöse encounter him again.
  • Put on a Bus: His brain has a severe malfunction at the end of his debut episode, leaving him in a complete coma until "ARSCH, Robot".