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Station Personnel

The Announcer

Played by: Brendan “Beej” Dery
He announces the intro and outro of each episode of Qwerpline.

Tropes associated with the Announcer:

  • Catchphrase: "You're listening to Qwerpline, here on QWRP FM!"
  • Sublime Rhyme: With one exception, the sponsors that he announces are tongue twisters of this nature.
  • Subverted Rhyme Every Occasion: That one exception was "The Lougheed Tough Slough Plough." ("Dig a trough through your borough in no time at all with the Lougheed Tough Slough Plough! It does a thorough job!")
    • Additionally, the slogan(s) he gives each sponsor also rhymes with the sponsor name in most cases, except for the Concise Device whose slogan was just "It works!"
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Graham "G-Money"

Played by: Graham Stark
The primary host of Qwerpline, generally acts as a Straight Man to the antics of the rest of the crew.

Tropes associated with Graham:

  • Catchphrase: Opens every episode with the phrase "Big G-Money here with A-Train - how ya doin', Alex?"
  • Dumbass DJ: Inverted, if anything Graham is the sanest, most knowledgeable and reasonable person in town.
  • Not So Above It All: Despite usually being the most straightforward of the cast (Even more so than Alex), Graham gets really passionate about discussion involving parcel shipping services and the tracking information on online stores. To the point where Richter bringing this up as his reason (this week) he's not doing this job immediately makes Graham abandon any attempt to get traffic info to immediately join in on Richter's ranting.
  • Oh, Crap!: Get those. Like the time where Richter claims he can do someone else's job blindfolded - which makes Graham immediately realize Richter has to be piloting his helicopter blindfolded. There's also the time he realizes the Prank Patrol's prank at the tree-lighting ceremony is about to kill several people.
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  • Only Sane Man: Along with Alex.
  • Straight Man: From asking A-Train how he is each morning to introducing Derek or Richter to desperately trying to interview Nsburg inhabitants through the phone, Big G-Money spends most of his time setting up other people's jokes.

Aldersm'n Alex "A-Train"

Played by: Alex Steacy
Graham's co-host on Qwerpline.

Tropes associated with Alex:

  • Berserk Button:
    • Referring to Lake Anesh by its old name of "Lake Indian Name" after Alex had it renamed.
    • The Secret Pipesmen's Light Rail project.
    • Derek and Richter in general. Especially the two's inability to do their jobs.
  • The Chains of Commanding: Alex really does not like being Aldersm'n of Therpston County. He gets annoyed whenever Graham calls him "Your Honor" (something Graham is legally bound to do).
    Alex: By the powers forced onto me by Therpston County...
  • Dark Horse Victory: After he casually criticizes all of the candidates in a local election on-air for trying to fix things that aren't broke he gets voted into the office. He wasn't even running. He was then forced to take the position, even though he didn't want it.
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  • Deadpan Snarker: His primary role is comment and snark upon what Graham or the station reporter / interviewees / guests / callers are saying. Graham is the one who asks questions, delivers news and announcements.
  • Only Sane Man: Slightly less sane than Graham but still saner than the rest of the characters.
  • Precision F-Strike: Prone to those with some of the more insane correspondents.
    "For fuck's sake Richter!"
  • Screw the Rules, I Make Them!: Something of a Running Gag since he became the Therpston County Aldersm'n.
    Graham: I don't think that's legal.
    Alex: Aldersm'n!
    Graham: ...okay.
  • Stealth Insult: Prone to those towards people he doesn't like.

Derek

Played by: Brendan “Beej” Dery
The station's summer intern. Serves as an on-site reporter conducting interviews on local news items.

Tropes associated with Derek:

  • Ascended Extra: Derek was only intended to be a bit character for the first episode. The cast loved him so much he became essentially the third main character.
  • Catchphrase: "I'm Nineteen!"
  • Chick Magnet: Derek is surprisingly adept at picking up dates - to Alex, Graham, and Edith's surprise. It's implied he's something of a Brainless Beauty; in the first example he was running and the crew commented on his good cardio, while in the second the girl calls him "surprisingly cut".
    • When Derek finally hits puberty, his newfound deep voice causes him to receive all sort of attention. Him complimenting a barista's hair causes her to turn red and almost faint. Kelsey, the girl he's been flirting with, is now inviting herself to his house to spend more time with him.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: Among other things he tries to interview a beaver, brings dead raccoon to the recycling center, thinks seitan refers to Satan, and forgets that he's Jewish, not Christian.
  • Even the Guys Want Him: When Derek hits puberty, his newfound deep voice (and already good looks) cause one of his fellow players at Friday Night Pog to start sweating when Derek accidently brushes against his hand mid play. The player's girlfriend gave Derek a dirty eye over the incident.
  • Insistent Terminology: He's nineteen and therefore not a "boy".
  • Insult Misfire: Derek will sometimes inadvertently do this to Alex' Stealth Insult. Though is almost always is a result of not understanding the insult rather than wit on Derek's part.
  • Literal-Minded: Derek is prone to this. Alot. For example, when an interviewee mentions how he built this place "with his own two hands", Derek asks him how he drove in all the nails without any hammers.
  • Non-Indicative Name: Is always referred to as the station's summer intern despite the summer ending.
  • Oblivious to Love: Kaylee is pretty much throwing herself at him when she appears and whenever she's mentioned. Derek doesn't seem to realize it, even after they went on a date (thanks to a miscommunication he thought she just wanted to see a town council session and went with her because his press pass gave them access).
  • Older Than They Look: A Running Gag is that he's frequently mistaken for a little boy, despite being 19.
    • Inverted in episode 8, the High School president calls him "old man" prompting Derek to reply "I'm Nineteen!" which makes the student reply "Exactly!".
  • Something Only They Would Say: When Derek's voice changes, Alex asks a bunch of question to determine he's Derek or not. Note that Derek fails to answer any of the questions and that in turn proves it's actually Derek.
    Alex: "Tell me what Gus' new tattoo say?"
    Derek: "I don't know, I can't read Japanese."
    Alex: "Oooh, Okay, Possible Derek. How many nipples does Michael O'Leary have?"
    Michael: "The answer, gentle listener, may surprise you."
    Derek: "Oh come on! Everybody knows that! He won the contest!"
    Alex: "Okay... How about this: What does the poster in the recording studio say?"
    Derek: "That's a dirty trick! You know I can't say those 8 words on radio!"
    Alex: "AAAAAH! IT'S DEREK!"
  • Phrase Catcher: "He's Nineteen!"
  • Pintsize Powerhouse: Apparently small enough to be mistaken for a child but nonetheless "surprisingly cut". One interviewee once referred to him as "small yet muscular boy".
  • Small Name, Big Ego: He's convinced that he's a feared hard-hitting reporter who asks gotcha questions. The only person to ever actually be intimidated by him was the time he interviewed himself.
  • Vetinari Job Security: Seems to benefit from this. Once he chides a guest saying they must following the interview format or "They will fire [him]". Alex replied:
    Alex: (muttering) What that we could...
  • "Well Done, Son!" Guy: Inverted. It's somewhat implied Derek's dad utterly disappointed by how idiotic Derek is, but Derek is completely blind to that fact, and is prone to quoting his dad no matter how poorly it reflects on him.
    Derek: My dad doesn't like it when I buy Calendars too early in the year. He says it leads to "Bad Planning".
    Graham: Was he by chance glaring at you when he said "Bad Planning"?
    Derek: Nah he just sort of looks off into the distance. Like he's sad.

Richter Hammockslam

Played by: Ian Horner
The station's traffic reporter onboard the QWRP traffic qwopter.

Tropes associated with Richter:

  • Cloudcuckoolander: Like Derek, Richter is peculiar.
  • A God Am I: On the annual "Car-Free Day" in downtowns Nsburg, Richter (ignoring what day it is due to not reading his emails), flies his chopper to do his job for once, and assumes the lack of cars means everyone's been raptured & the pedestrians are scavengers, and he inside the chopper is like a god to this town, who should be "rightfully his".
  • Comically Missing the Point: Richter does this all the time. One instance involves Richter having stowed himself in a cargo drone going to Dubai. It's pointed out that Richter's added weight might mean the plane will run out of fuel. Richter tells the cast "Abdul from the UAE Air traffic" is what's patching him through to QWRP. When asked why Abdul is doing this, Richter shrugs it off as "A dying man's last wish." Not understanding that Abdul was referring to him, Richter adds "My condolences to Abdul's widow and his family."
  • Improbable Piloting Skills: Say what you will about Richter's insanity, the man has to be a gifted pilot as he has piloted his helicopter without crashing it:
    • While hovering 3 feet off the ground on the highway.
    • While hanging outside the helicopter, and reaching through the windows for the controls.
    • While blindfolded.
    • While drunk.
    • While it's full of dogs (Which he was throwing out the windows).
    • While streaming.
    • While brewing craft beers.
    • He's also taught a young girl to pilot the helicopter.
  • It's All About Me: Richter does only what Richter wants - most of the time he fails to actually deliver traffic reports, and the few times he does, he did so because it's convenient for him (to avoid having to fly over the corn maze, and as part of his election campaign). Otherwise everything Richter does is motivated by his own self-interest and his own entertainment.
  • Jerkass: Richter has mostly disdain for pretty-much everyone else in the town.
  • Kid Sidekick: A young girl called Joy occasionally joins him in the helicopter and helps with whatever randomness Richter has decided to do today. It should be noted that Joy was originally someone Richter kidnapped because it was Take Your Daughter To Work Day and Richter doesn't have any kids of his own.
  • No Indoor Voice: Has to shout to be heard over the noise of the helicopter (or fan boat), but continues to shout even when he's broadcasting from a hang glider.
  • Running Gag: Richter never delivers a traffic report, unless it gets him out of doing something he doesn't want to do or he can use it to his own profit as part of some side venture (Running for office, trying to become a streaming media sensations). This becomes a running joke in episode 20, where Graham replies to Richard Therpston asking him "You know what traffic is like?" with "You'd be surprised how little I know about traffic." and later asking Richter what is it they are talking about that "isn't traffic". The QWERPLINE office has a betting pool regarding how long Richter can go without giving traffic advice (Edith's bet is 4 months, because she's an optimist).
  • Too Dumb to Live: In one episode, he flies the traffic helicopter over a motordrome while blindfolded (because he asserts he can do Chet's job blindfolded - turns out he can't as he can't see the race). In another, he hovers 3 feet over the highway causing a giant traffic jam. In yet another, he takes up craft brewing... quite literally: He brews alcoholic beverages (and drinks them) inside his helicopter, while it's flying, with Joy piloting.

Chet Buntsman

Played by: Ian Horner
The station's sports reporter.

Tropes associated with Chet:

  • The Heckler: During the town hall debate, when Edith announces the next person to talk is Coach McFeels, Chet heckles her from the gallery- it's implied he's done so every time McFeels' was speaking.
    Edith: Up next we have local coach Melissa McFeels.
    Chet: EAT A DICK SANDWICH MCFEELS!
    Edith: Security, can we have Mr. Buntsman removed from the gallery... again.
    Chet: (audibly being dragged out) People need to know the truth! The truth about what shit heel McFeels is. Get your hands off me!
  • The Rival: He led the Nsburg Talcum Puffs to victory in the last championship, but he was sacked as coach due to being too sensitive (and spending most games crying). He's since had it in for the new Coach, McFeels.

Sadie Casperson

Played by: Kathleen De Vere
The station's weather reporter.

Tropes associated with Sadie:

  • Casual Danger Dialog: She gives out a tornado warning in a completely non-plussed manner, and refuses to give details as she treats it as a minor thing.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: The weather in Nsburg seems to always be identical for every day in a particular week, but Sadie tends to still go through the days of the week one at a time, finding a different synonym for each day.
  • Token Religious Teammate: Believes that the heavy rains represent divine retribution for Nsburg. Not for anything specific mind you, just in general.
    • She's also known for her long religious expletives.
      Sadie: "Sweet Baby Jesus and Joseph and Mary!"
      Graham: "Oh, The whole family is here."
    • She also attended a sleepover at the Vatican, something that is apparently allowed but "only if you're very pious!"
  • What the Hell Is That Accent?: Originally she had the same accent as everyone else in the studio. In episode 19 she returned from a long absence with a new accent that drifts somewhere between Fargo and a Sarah Palin imitation, ooh golly.

Edith Slump

Played by: Kathleen De Vere
The station's arts and culture reporter. Also the Harvest Festival Princess.

Tropes associated with Edith:

  • Always Second Best: She can only ever be second place in the Harvest Festival Queen contest (And thus is Harvest Festival Princess) because the number 1 position, Harvest Festival Queen, is a hereditary monarchy. It's mentioned she might get it if the current Queen fails to produce heirs.
  • Comically Missing the Point: When filling in for the sports reporter she dryly reads of the match-ups and results, skipping through all the commentary notes. The entire segment became "Team A played and lost, team B played and lost, team C played and lost...".
  • The Comically Serious
  • Deadpan Snarker: Especially towards Alex.
  • Geeky Turn-On: Listening to a poet read his work has her nearly throwing herself at him (which confuses the hell out of him). Alex complains that the window to the interview room is actually fogging up.
  • Little "No": Always gives this when Graham asks her if there's anything else going on in the arts.
  • Reflexive Response: When she ends up doing the sport segment rather than the arts, she says "Welcome to the sporting arts".
  • The Stoic: She speaks in a droning, emotionless monotone.
    • In episode 7 she gets put in charge of moderating the debate for a local election. She's the only one with the patience to deal with the 67 insane candidates for 9 days without snapping.
    • She actually seems to have a more active social life than anyone else on the crew, oddly enough. Plus she was clearly charismatic enough to win Harvest Princess.
    • She maintains her monotone even as she's encouraging her nephew to kill his competitors during a sporting events.
    Rowan. Rowan. Grab the spear with both hands and thrust with all your hate.
  • That Makes Me Feel Angry: She frequently mentions experiencing intense emotions of one kind or another, but her tone never changes.
  • They Call Me Mister Tibbs: She informs Justice Zeff that it's "Princess Slump to you".

Gus

The station's technical expert.

Tropes associated with Gus:

  • Evil Has a Bad Sense of Humor: While not necessarily 'evil' per se, Gus is kind of a Jerkass and he tends to play comedy noises at the worst times, like during a discussion of the sacred holiday of Yo Mamma's Day, or right after the death of Aldersm'n Richard Therpston.
  • He Who Must Not Be Heard: We never actually hear him say anything, just Graham and Alex reacting to things that he's done. Unless he is the Announcer (see above).
  • Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: Seems to enjoy causing problems for Graham and Alex.
    • Turns out he's Lorna Schlitzwhistle's cousin and keeps giving her the station phone number, so she can keep calling Alex and Graham, no matter how the number gets changed.

Michael O'Leary

Played by: Brendan “Beej” Dery
The station's third Sports reporter, now promoted to business reporter.

Tropes associated with Mike:

  • Character Development: In his first appearance he was practically a straight expy of Perd from Parks and Recreation. In later appearances he developed his own set of quirks.
  • Hollywood Healing: He somehow survived his exposure to the highly radioactive substance that Darren von Spront brought with him into the studio, seemingly completely unharmed.
  • One Steve Limit: Averted - there's another Michael O'Leary in Nsburg, no relation.
  • Running Gag: He tends to overly describe things, which Alex dislikes, and Michael keeps having to remind Alex that radio listeners cannot see what's going on in the studio.
  • Triple Nipple: Implied to have more than 2 nipples. He mentions that the answer to "How many nipple does Michael O'Leary have?" may surprise the listener. Derek mentions that Michael's number of nipples won him "the contest".
  • Supreme Chef: Michael makes some sous-vide cooking with dry-aged meats in his free time. While living in the studio closet formerly occupied by Muriel.
  • The Stoner: O'Leary is always very calm and laid back, and speaks kind of slowly and hazily. He's also totally cool with living in a closet in the studio. The guy's probably got to be on something.
  • Verbal Tic: Michael over-enunciates all his words.

Muriel

Played by: Kathleen De Vere
An old woman kept around in the studio to settle disputes between the co-hosts for some reason.

Tropes associated with Muriel:

  • Black Comedy: She was kept locked in a closet in the recording studio. Incidentally, after she left, the closet went to Mike O'Leary. Apparently it's actually just a really small apartment.
  • Put on a Bus: After the events of the Nsburg Deed Lottery, Muriel ended up living in a fancy house outside of town.
  • The Un-Favourite: She was the only mother whom nobody remembered to do anything for on Yo Momma's Day.

Recurring Nsburg Residents

Officer Steve

Played by: Ian Horner
A member of the Nsburg Police Department

Tropes associated with Officer Steve:

Lorna Schlitzwhistle

Played by: Kathleen De Vere
Local hippy and bee keeper concerned about the effects of the WeeFees (WiFi). Had a brief stint as the station's business reporter when Michael was off sick; Gus's cousin.

Tropes associated with Lorna

  • Cloudcuckoolander: The woman believes Wi-Fi is some kind of toxic substance made out of demons.
  • Granola Girl: Who uses healing crystals to try and heal her bees from the effect of the WeeFees demons, and uses dreamcatchers to try and block WeeFee signals.
  • It Is Pronounced "Tro-PAY": She pronounces WiFis as WeeFees. It takes the hosts several minutes to figure out what she's talking about.
  • New-Age Retro Hippie: She likes healing crystals and dreamcatchers, and considering the way she talks it's entirely possible she spends most of her time stoned.
  • Single-Issue Wonk: Her obsession with fighting the WeeFees.
  • Unfortunate Names: Graham refuses to call her by her last name, which Alex calls him out on as it's too familiar a tone to use with a caller.

Coach Melissa McFeels

Played by: Kathleen De Vere
The coach of the Nsburg Talcum Puffs and the Literal Tigers.

Tropes associated with Melissa

  • Genki Girl
  • Meaningful Name: She's called McFeels and basically all her dialogue about encouraging people to do their best and feel good about it. She even elicits an emotional reaction from Edith Slump!
    McFeels: Good job Edith! You're really giving it 110%. Such a team player!
    Edith: (In her usual monotone) It's the first time anyone told me that. I am overcome with emotions.
  • Misplaced Kindergarten Teacher: When running for alderman she gives her campaign speeches as if she was giving her teams a pep talk, saying that everyone should pitch in and give 110%.
  • Early Installment Weirdness: In the first episode, where she's only mentioned and not seen, Chet Buntsman seems to be under the impression that Coach McFeels is a man.
  • The Rival: To Chet Buntsman

Kendra Tiltington

Played by: Kathleen De Vere
Director of the Nsburg Recycling Centre.

Tropes associated with Kendra:

  • Angrish: Descends into incoherent ranting when she learns that, in order to dump their non-recyclable rubbish at her recycling centre, the Nsburg residents have been driving past the actual rubbish dump.
  • Meaningful Name: The LoadingReadyRun crew are quite fond of "tilting" as a slang term for losing one's temper, so it makes sense that Kendra Tiltington would be constantly infuriated by the stupid recycling habits of the Nsburg townsfolk.
  • Only Sane Woman: Kendra is the only person in town who understands that live raccoons and buckets of razor blades do not count as recyclable items.

Richard Therpston III

Played by: Alex Steacy
Grandson of the late Aldersm'n Richard Therpston, and member of the Secret Pipesmen.

Tropes associated with Richard Therpston III:

  • Evil Brit: Speaks like an English aristocrat, and is a total Jerkass who wants to rule the county.
  • Jerkass: Richard hates everyone and shows it.
  • Single-Issue Wonk: All he cares about is the Pipesmen's light rail train project.
  • Small Name, Big Ego: Nobody actually seems to care about the fact he's the grandson of the previous Aldersm'n except for Richard himself.
  • Unexplained Accent: From his voice you'd think he was a bitter old Englishman, but he's actually a Therpston county resident in his early twenties.

The jam crone

Played by: Kathleen De Vere
An immigrant who makes and sells jam (and aspic).

Tropes associated with the jam crone:

  • Foreign Queasine: Makes her jam according to "old country recipe". The blackberry jam, for example, is made out of ash (blackberry ash, but still). Her aspic also contains ash as a major ingredient. The peach jam is made out of centipedes (although oddly enough it's the only one that tastes like what the name says).
  • Funny Foreigner: Much hilarity ensues from her "old country" traditions. She refuses to name her country of origin, and some of the "old country recipes" are from different "old countries".
  • No Name Given: When Graham tried to prompt her as to what her name was, she simply answered that her name was hers. Unless "Mine" is actually her name.
  • Non-Indicative Name: None of her jams actually contain the ingredient they are named after.
  • What the Hell Is That Accent?: Speaks with a kind of generically Slavic voice. Directly asking her where she's from doesn't help.
    The jam crone: "Old country!"
    Graham: "Which old country?!"
    The jam crone: "Mine!"

The Dogeman

A mythological creature said to haunt the outskirts of Nsburg. Only appears in the non-canon episodes done during Desert Bus for Hope.

Tropes associated with the Dogeman:

  • Cannibalism Superpower: Steals the powers of that which he consumes. Eating Richter allows him to fly the QWRP traffic qwopter.
  • Cryptid Episode: Only appears in the non-canon Desert Bus episodes
  • Speak of the Devil: According to legend saying his name three times causes him to appear.
  • Wolf Man: A humanoid with a dog's head.

Joy

Played by: Kathleen De Vere
A young girl who was visiting the studio on "Bring your child to work" day, whom Richter kidnapped and took along his helicopter. The two get along and she looks to him as a father figure.

Tropes associated with Joy:

  • Disappeared Dad: She lives only with her mother. She regards Richter as her dad.
  • Hypercompetent Sidekick: She can pilot a helicopter and give accurate traffic reports (Richter himself usually can only give the former). Alex opines that if she survives until 19, they'll hire her as intern.
  • Parental Substitute: She regards Richter as her father.
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