Characters / Mediochre Q Seth Series

An (incomplete) list of characters from the Mediochreverse.

The Main Party

• Aerith and Bob: Joseph, Charlotte... Mediochre... and Dhampinella?
• Four-Temperament Ensemble:
  • Mediochre is choleric.
  • Joseph is sanguine.
  • Dhampinella is melancholic.
  • Charlotte is phlegmatic or leukine.
• Guys Smash, Girls Shoot: Inverted.

Professor Doctor Laird Sir Mediochre Quirinius Seth, PhD MusD MSc CBE OBE MIMC VC-Bar

An enigmatic 400-year-old dracologist with superhuman abilities to heal and calculate probability, due to a magical accident in his younger days.

• Abusive Parents: Possibly? He certainly did not have a good relationship with his mother, judging by a brief memory shown in the third book and his brief exchange with Pigeon in the second about why, even when shot, he never cries out for her.
• Adventurer Outfit: He is rarely seen outside of his dracology clothes.
• Anti-Hero: Type III.
• Awesomeness by Analysis: He sees the world as an endless list of numbers and factors, and he can therefore calculate the probability of any given occurrence when he concentrates.
• Applied Phlebotinum: Chips the Intrusively Mantic Phone, whom Mediochre can use to send out or block pretty-much any electromagnetic signal he wishes to.
• Author Avatar: The author admits that Mediochre looks much like he did aged fifteen, and that there are some similarities in their personalities – although Mediochre is more idealistic, more badass and more heterosexual.
• Badass Bookworm: Emphasis on the bookworm.
• Badass Teacher
• Bat Deduction: He can sort-of do this by calculating the most probable explanation.
• Batman Gambit/Xanatos Gambit: It’s hard to tell with him.
• Berserk Button: People who harm dragons.
• Beware the Nice Ones: When he’s angry, he’s a worse enemy than Joseph.
• Brave Scot: Curiously, he's the only one of the four central protagonists to have been in Scotland long enough to have an undiluted accent. As for the brave - his job is to research fire-breathing monsters.
• Broken Ace: His track record is very impressive and he does a pretty good job of playing the hero, but it becomes increasingly clear that the man has some outrageous psychological issues.
• Byronic Hero
• Camp Straight
• Celibate Eccentric Genius: The former two are due to his being 400 years old in a 15-year-old body. The latter’s natural.
• Chekhov's Hobby: He’s a member of the Inner Magic Circle. You can bet that comes in useful.
• Cheshire Cat Grin: Frequently.
• Chronic Hero Syndrome
• Companion Cube: Chips the IMP.
• I Call It "Vera": His phone is named Chips.
• Contemplate Our Navels: Well, he is an academic...
• Cool Teacher
• Crazy-Prepared
• Cultured Badass
• Cursed with Awesome: His Healing Factor and Awesomeness by Analysis both.
• Dark and Troubled Past: He was nearly killed by Maelstrom and subsequently made immortal by the blood of the dragon he failed to save. And that may not be worst thing he’s been through.
• Deadpan Snarker: Stands out, even in this universe.
• Defective Detective: He’s not the most emotionally stable of slayer-catchers.
• "Eureka!" Moment: He does this a lot.
• Everything's Spoonier With Spoons: Or sporks, in his case.
• Exotic Detective: Cos, y’know, he’s got superpowers.
• Expecting Someone Taller: The things he’s famed for make him sound more badass than he looks.
• Famed In-Story
• Fascinating Eyebrow: Fairly often.
• Geek Physique: Stuck in a nerdy teenage body.
• Good is Not Nice
• Great Detective: It’s basically a superpower for him.
• Guile Hero
• Healing Factor: Due to the self-replicating dragon’s blood in his system.
  • Good Thing You Can Heal: Gets hurt a lot, allowing him to show this off.
• Heroic Safe Mode: What he enters whenever he gets beaten.
• Hot-Blooded
• Immortal Immaturity: Zig-zagged.
• Immortality Immorality: Also zig-zagged.
• Impoverished Patrician: Technically a laird, but he needs to hold down several jobs to avoid having to sell his house.
• Incredibly Lame Pun: He likes them.
• Indy Ploy: His default Plan B, it would seem.
• The Insomniac: He doesn't seem to sleep until he has to.
  • Fridge Horror: Considering his emotional problems, and the fact he's a war vet, he's probably trying to avoid nightmares.
• Insufferable Genius
• Interdisciplinary Sleuth: He’s a dracology professor who catches slayers.
• Jerk with a Heart of Gold
• Knight Templar Parent: He does some very questionable things in his attempts to protect Aoife.
• Large Ham
• Lonely Piano Piece: Plays them occasionally.
• Magician Detective: The MIMC stands for Member of the Inner Magic Circle.
• Merlin Sickness: He de-aged from fifty to fifteen.
• My Greatest Second Chance:
  • The third book reveals that he was an awful father, cheating on his wife and falling out with his daughter because of it. The same book has him, centuries later, become an adoptive Papa Wolf to Aoife - although he might just have gone too far in the other direction...
  • In addition, taking on Charlotte as his apprentice and forcing himself to get over his sexual attraction to her so he can teach her properly may be another case of this, if we assume that his last apprentice was Melz - since Melz was the person he cheated on his wife with.
• Mysterious Past
• Non-Action Guy: Fights like a wimp.
  • Non-Action Snarker
• Not Growing Up Sucks: He does not like being stuck in mid-puberty all the time.
• Occult Detective: He catches dragon-slayers.
• Out-Gambitted: Pulling this on people is Mediochre’s purpose in life.
• Papa Wolf: To Aoife. From what we see, he was also quite fond (but perhaps less protective) of his original daughter.
• Parental Abandonment: Appears to have been largely raised by his grandmother, possibly implying he was once a victim of this.
  • Disappeared Dad: A memory is seen in book three of his apparent childhood in which his father is explicitly dead - and his mother seems to blame him for it.
  • Missing Mom: His mother is very rarely referenced, and when he does mention her it's always with a negative tone.
• Pop-Cultured Badass: When he ran out of classic novels to read between adventures, he moved on to comic books. Also, like Joseph, he's a fan of The A-Team.
• The Professor
• Really 700 Years Old: He’s around 400.
• Saved by the Awesome: Why Queen MAB lets him have so much free reign.
• Self-Mutilation Demonstration: When he wants to scare an opponent into giving up, such as when he blows off his own finger in front of Antler’s goons.
• Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness: Every so often.
• Sesquipedalian Smith
• Shrouded in Myth: Intentionally so, it appears.
• Smug Super
• Survivor Guilt: Due to his age, the vast majority of people Mediochre has ever known are dead. Due to his lifestyle, a lot of them didn't die well. It's left him with a few issues.
• Technical Pacifist: Well... he tries...
• Theme Music Power-Up: He thinks better when he plays piano.
• Tranquil Fury: If you push him too far.
• Try to Fit That on a Business Card
• Who Wants to Live Forever?
• Xanatos Speed Chess

Charlotte Johnson

The viewpoint character, at least at first. An ordinary girl, recently moved to Scotland from America, who forces her way into Mediochre’s world after he almost gets her killed.

• Action Girl: Not exactly, but she’s better than Mediochre at least.
• The Apprentice: Eventually becomes Mediochre's.
• Audience Surrogate: The only non-magical teenager in a series aimed at (presumably) non-magical teenagers.
• Deadpan Snarker: Gives Mediochre a run for his money.
• Fish out of Water: A mantically-unaware American in Mantically Aware Britain.
• Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold: She’s the least morally ambiguous of the four, and she’s blonde.
• The Heart
• Jumped at the Call: And kept jumping until The Call gave up and let her come along.
• Ordinary High-School Student
• Supporting Protagonist: She gets the most pagetime and the series starts off (and largely remains) from her point of view, but it ain't called "The Good, the Bad and the Charlotte", now, is it?
• The Team Normal: Mediochre has a Healing Factor and Awesomeness by Analysis, Dhampinella has Super-Strength and Super-Speed, and Joseph is a Genius Bruiser with Improbable Aiming Skills. Charlotte mostly hangs around being sarcastic.
• Took a Level in Badass: Over the course of the first book.
• Unfazed Everyman: Or rather, Unfazed Everygirl.
• The Watson

Professor Joseph Carrion, PhD

A cynical, gun-loving professor of zontanecrology, intensely loyal to Mediochre and revealed in the Christmas Episode to be his godson.

• Action Hero
• Anti-Hero: Also a Type III, but for different reasons to Mediochre.
• Badass Bookworm: A former Teen Genius and The Professor by some point in his twenties, but he’s been able to hold his own in a fight against stronger opponents since he was eighteen.
• Badass Normal: Is a better fighter than most of the people with magic powers or a Healing Factor, and part of his job requires him, as a normal human being, to subdue undead monstrosities.
• Badass Longcoat: In black, of course. It holds some of his guns.
• Badass Teacher: He knows Dhampinella can handle herself, but it’s pretty clear it would be bad idea to attack any of his students.
• Boisterous Bruiser: Shades of this.
• The Champion: For Mediochre.
• Chef of Iron: Downplayed on the 'chef' part, exaggerated on the 'iron' part.
• Dark Is Not Evil: Strongly associated with guns, violence and the colour black, but he’s arguably a nicer guy than anyone else in the party.
• Depleted Phlebotinum Shells: His guns run the gamut.
• From Dress to Dressing: Seems to be used to doing this.
• Good is Not Nice
• The Gunslinger
• Hot-Blooded: Less than Mediochre, but it's there.
• Improbable Age: He's somewhere in his twenties, but he's already a Professor. We find out in Born to Raise the Sons of Earth that he was a Child Prodigy and wrote a thesis at seventeen.
• Improbable Aiming Skills: They're his Charles Atlas Superpower.
• Interdisciplinary Sleuth: A zontanecrology professor who catches undead-slayers.
• Made of Iron: His other Charles Atlas Superpower. He can basically shrug off bulletwounds.
• Names to Run Away from Really Fast: Carrion. It's what he'll reduce you to if he has to.
• Occult Detective
• Overshadowed by Awesome: He's Mediochre's godson, Mad Lex's apprentice and his family has a history of great scientists. He's felt this way since he was a kid.
• Pop-Cultured Badass: A fan of The A-Team and The Beatles, among others.
• Pragmatic Hero: In contrast to Mediochre's attempted idealism.
• Real Men Cook: It's briefly shown that he's the better (or at least more ambitious) cook out of himself and his fiancée. Again, this contrasts with Mediochre, who usually seems content to survive on simplistic food like toast.
• Self Stitching: He's clearly practised.
• Tall, Dark, and Handsome
• Tall, Dark, and Snarky
• Teen Genius: Used to be one.

Dhampinella

Joseph’s Dhampir apprentice.

• Action Girl: Heck yes.
• The Apprentice
• Badass Longcoat: Which she only removes when she wants to really let loose with the violence.
• Boyish Short Hair: Dhampinella has a bob haircut, presumably so that it stays out of her way when she's fighting.
• The Champion: For Joseph.
• Cute Bruiser: A little bit.
• Cute Monster Girl: But only in a woobieish way.
• Dark and Troubled Past: Her father was not a very nice man, even by Vampire standards. Her mother left when she was very young, and her father was eventually murdered.
• Dark Is Not Evil
• Dhampir
• Emotionless Girl: See under The Spock.
• Half-Human Hybrid: Her father was a Vampire, her mother a human.
• Ladyella: Her name roughly means Little Dhampir Girl.
• Lightning Bruiser
• Made of Iron: All Dhampir are, it would seem.
  • Good Thing You Can Heal: Used a bit as a meatshield.
• Not So Stoic: In the second book, she gets worried about her sister, and angry about Guinevere Spencer. The latter even provokes her to mildly swear.
• One-Man Army: Well, One Dhampir Army, technically.
• O.O.C. Is Serious Business: Whenever she goes Not So Stoic.
• Parental Abandonment
  • Missing Mom: Her mother left when she was very young.
  • Disappeared Dad: Her father has a better excuse – he was murdered by a slayer.
• The Quiet One: Says almost nothing unless addressed directly.
• Relative Button: She becomes Not So Stoic whenever her sister is involved.
• Significant Green-Eyed Redhead: Her eyes are very green, and her hair is reddish. It adds to the ethereal feel.
• The Spock: Possibly. Dhampir may just show their emotions in a different way to humans.
• The Stoic: Again, possibly.
• Super-Speed
• Super-Strength
• Terse Talker
• Tranquil Fury: If she ever feels any emotion at all, it’s probably this.
• You Killed My Father: In backstory, this was how her first case alongside Joseph began.

Desra

Mediochre’s pet mouse, which mostly lives in his jacket. Was apparently a present from Joseph.

• Chekhov's Gunman: Odd but true. The mouse, of all people, comes in useful half way through the first book.
• Nice Mice
• Squirrels in My Pants: Averted. Mediochre barely notices the fact he has a mouse crawling around in his clothes.
• Team Pet

The MABGov

The Mantically Aware British Government is in charge of keeping the mantically-aware side of Britain running. And hidden.

• Cleanup Crew
• The Magocracy: They're Britain's magical government.
• The Masquerade
• Memory-Wiping Crew
• No Party Given: None of them.
• Not-So-Omniscient Council of Bickering: It’s a testament to Queen MAB’s leadership that they manage to keep themselves hidden at all.
• Prime Directive: Never let the Masquerade collapse.

MAB Prime Minister Kathryn Queen AKA Queen MAB

• Benevolent Boss: She takes the time to acknowledge her appreciation to Tanner.
• Big Good: In theory, she’s in charge of keeping the entire country safe and ordered – although there is a Mantically Aware UN above her.
• Do Not Call Me "Paul": It appears she has a different line for everyone when it comes to how colloquial a nickname they may use.
• Good is Not Nice
• Good Is Not Soft
• Iron Lady
• Punny Name: Queen MAB. Like the fairy.
• Reasonable Authority Figure
• What's Up, King Dude?: Mediochre is on friendly terms with her.

MAB MP James Chrome

The most senior Member of the MAB Parliament in Edinburgh, and an occasional opponent of Mediochre.

• Badass Bureaucrat: Nobly steps up in the third book, when someone is needed to handle the official side of the unofficial government in the absence of a Prime Minister.
• Big Good: Takes this role in the third book, since Queen MAB is absent.
• Enemy Mine: With Mediochre in the third book.
• Inspector Javert: He does have a point in his trying to bring Mediochre under control, but he goes a bit far.
• Hanging Separately: If he were more open to trust he’d cause far fewer problems.
• Obstructive Bureaucrat

Alexander Tanner

Queen MAB's devoted Personal Assistant.

• Badass Bookworm: Despite being a political bureaucrat, he is perfectly capable of punching a man to the ground.
• Badass Bureaucrat
• Berserk Button: The one time he loses his cool is when Fervour attempts a coup.
• Cultured Badass
• Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold
• Hired for Their Looks: Defied. Queen MAB thinks that whoever started that rumour clearly doesn't realise the extent to which the sight of Tanner reminds her of work.
• Parenthetical Swearing: Tanner can put a surprising amount of meaning into the single syllable "sir".
• Right-Hand Hottie: Tanner is as meticulous over his appearance and fitness as he is over his paperwork.
• Sharp-Dressed Man: See Right-Hand Hottie above.

Maccabeus Fervour

The head of the opposition and eventually of the MABGov.

• Badass Bureaucrat: Capable of this, but only in his attempts to outdo or discredit Queen MAB.
• Big Bad: Of the third book, technically, since he's responsible for the Stig Unit incident and the resulting prison escape. He was being manipulated by TOWIR, though.
• The Caligula: He is terrible at running the country, and the stress of it drives him insane.
• Corrupt Politician: Fervour is a bully who is only in politics for the power.

• Final Speech: He wanted his to be "Dulce et decorum est pro patrium mori" ("It is sweet and honourable to die for your country", roughly). His actual ones are... less noble.
• Gratuitous Latin: He peppers his speech liberally with Latin. Except when he's mid-breakdown.

• Meaningful Name: Fervour implies zealotry, which he seems to be guilty of. Maccabeus was also the name of a revolutionary in Jewish history... whose first name, for added points, was Judas.

The Dusk Foundation

A half-way-house-cum-youth-hostel type arrangement for the Undead and non-human residents of the city to retreat from the judgement of humanity for a while.

• All Your Base Are Belong to Us: Gets one from the Humanist Movement.
• Friendly Neighbourhood Vampires
• Monsters Anonymous
• Monster Mash
• The Undead

Frankenstein Igor Shelly

A Revenant who runs the Edinburgh Dusk.

• Conspiracy Theorist
• Names to Run Away from Really Fast: Subverted. Turns out, he was never a bad guy.
• Off with His Head!
• Surfer Dude: Only without any surfing.

Tsukiko Shinju

A Yurei who's spirit is bound to the Edinburgh Dusk. An old friend of Rowan.

• Can't Grow Up: Since she died as a child, she has to stay a child. For once, she doesn't seem to mind though.
• Cheerful Child
• Cute Ghost Girl
• Genki Girl: She's pretty enthusiastic about... just-about everything.
• Heart Warming Orphan: So far as we can tell, her parents are the regular kind of dead.
• The Pollyanna

Reverend Archibald Maria "Archie" Elijah

A Vampire contact of Mediochre, who is also a Christian minister and something of a father-figure to Dhampinella.

• Bad Powers, Good People: He knows how to conduct exorcism (which, in this setting, is a form of necromancy otherwise mostly used by the Humanist Movement). He only ever uses it to save people.
• Big Damn Heroes: He organises a group of exorcists to neutralise the threat of the undead bacteria just in time. Does it again with the Edinburgh Kiss.
• Cool Old Guy
• Determinator: Just because he's an undead horror with an aversion to everything holy doesn't mean he's gonna stop being a Christian.
• Classical Movie Vampire: Looks like one. Doesn't act like one.
• Friendly Neighbourhood Vampire: Taken to extremes.
• Good Shepherd
• My Species Doth Protest Too Much: He's a Vampire. He's also a religious leader.
• Parental Substitute: He's basically a Good Counterpart to Dhampinella's father.

The Organisation Which I Represent

A mysterious unnamed group manipulating events from behind the scenes for some clandestine purpose.

• Ancient Conspiracy: Perhaps? We know nothing of their age.
• Badass Creed: The Future Starts With The Present.
• Evil Is Not Well-Lit: They meet in the dark to hide their identities from each other.
• The Group
• Hidden Agenda Villain
• Nebulous Evil Organisation: So nebulous we know nothing about them.
• The Man Behind the Man
• Playing God: Possibly. The tempomancer explicitly compares them to the builders of the Tower of Babel.
• Stealth Pun/Fun with Acronyms: The Organisation Which I Represent. TOWIR. As in TOWIR of Babel.
• Theme Naming: They use the names of precious stones for code names.
• Utopia Justifies the Means: Maybe - see Well-Intentioned Extremist below.
• Well-Intentioned Extremist: The tempomancer claims that they seek to further human development, although he may have been lying to Joseph at that point. Either way, they are willing to cause death and destruction in the name of their goals.

The tempomancer AKA Topaz

Real name unknown. A powerful and enigmatic man who functions as some sort of field agent for The Organisation Which he Represents.

• Dragon with an Agenda: To the SSS.
• Enigmatic Minion
• Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep"
• Hidden Agenda Villain: We don't even really know if his agenda is in line with that of the rest of TOWIR.
• The Man Behind the Man: Engineered most of the events of the first book, at least.
• Manipulative Bastard
• Sequel Hook: Seems to take it upon himself to deliver one at the end of every book.
• Time Master
• Time Stands Still: When he wants to, he can slow time down in one location to a near-infinite degree.
• What the Hell Is That Accent?: It's described as sounding like it either comes from everywhere at once or nowhere at all.

Danny Boy Snapfax AKA Jade

A colleague of the tempomancer who advises Charlotte in secret and claims that the tempomancer is a rogue agent whom he is hunting down. He’s lying, it seems. He’s actually the tempomancer’s underling.

• Double Reverse Quadruple Agent: Works for Mediochre, but actually works with the tempomancer, but actually works against the tempomancer for TOWIR. But actually works for both the tempomancer and TOWIR in accord.
• The Driver: What Mediochre uses him for. He knows every road in the country.
  • Badass Driver
• Femme Fatale: Gender-flipped. Danny fills this role for Charlotte...
  • The Vamp: ...or so it seems. In reality, he’s seducing and manipulating her.
• Fighting Irish: Can handle himself pretty well with that knife of his.
• Improbable Aiming Skills: Can seemingly hit almost any target with his knife, even a far away one.
  • Throwing Your Sword Always Works
• The Mole
• Punny Name: Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes...
• Sudden Sequel Death Syndrome: Killed by the necromancer to stop him from talking to the police.
• Walking Spoiler

Catriona Haulier AKA Obsidian

Seemingly the tempomancer's direct superior. She takes over as the Enigmatic Minion du jour in Book II.

• Emotionless Girl: The closest thing to an emotional response she ever has is her expression when she gets killed.
• Living a Double Life: She has people who live and work with her but don't know she’s a member of TOWIR.
• Neck Snap: How she dies.
• The Sociopath
• Telepathy: She's a psychomancer.
• Thanatos Gambit: Maybe. It is mentioned by Agate that Obsidian's death was part of the plan. She refuses to say whether it was part of Obsidian's plan.
• They Look Just Like Everyone Else!: There is nothing remarkable about her appearance, she just looks like a tourist.
• Xanatos Speed Chess: Insists that Charlotte can be easily written in to their plans.
• You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: She pulls one of these on Gambit.

Agate

Apparently Obsidian's direct superior.

• Europeans Are Kinky: Agate is apparently a continental European, and sees nothing wrong with sunbathing half-naked during her meetings with Obsidian, to the latter's very-British discomfort.
• Slouch of Villainy: She doesn't even just slouch; she lounges.
• What the Hell Is That Accent?: It's always something from western continental Europe, but beyond that she seems to like to keep people guessing.
• Woman of Wealth and Taste

Jasper

An underling of The Organisation, assigned to keeping alive the necromancer.

• Kid with the Leash: To the necromancer.
• The Man Behind the Man: Since he's keeping the necromancer alive, he gets to call the shots.
• The Quiet One: He has about two lines in the entire book.
• Thermal Dissonance: As a thermomancer, he can enforce this.

Carnelian

Enigmatic Minion du jour in the third book - although working with the tempomancer this time. Is able to influence Fervour on account of being Mr. DeMort's PA.

• Almighty Janitor: Carnelian's day job.
• Beneath Suspicion
• Chekhov's Gunman: Briefly mentioned in the second book, before being brought to the fore in the third.
• Exit Villain, Stage Left: With a little help from the tempomancer.
• The Mole: Carnelian is the one that has been feeding Fervour bad information.
• Samus Is a Girl

The Sapphire Smuggling Syndicate

A criminal organisation smuggling magical contraband around the globe.

• Added Alliterative Appeal
• Covert Group with Mundane Front: The Sapphire Storage company.
• Evil, Inc.
• The Syndicate

Sapphire AKA Dean Kiwi Mashuga

The Big Bad of the first book and head of the SSS is actually Mediochre’s employer and old friend.

• Absent-Minded Professor: What Sapphire pretends to be to throw suspicion.
• Abusive Parents: To Isobel. Or at least very uncaring.
• Big Bad Friend
• Diabolical Mastermind
• Evil Teacher
• Living a Double Life
• The Mole: Sort-of inverted... Sapphire doesn’t work for the bad guys, the bad guys work for Sapphire.
  • Mole in Charge
• Playing with Fire: Is a pyromancer.
• Refuge in Audacity: The Syndicate’s front organisation has the same name as the Syndicate itself, which is also the codename of its head. Also, she hides in plain sight as Mediochre’s employer.
• Smug Super
• Walking Spoiler

Mr Antler

The head of the Scottish branch of the SSS, and Sapphire’s direct underling.

• Badass in a Nice Suit
• The Heavy
• Man of Wealth and Taste: Presumably, given his nice suit and watch.
• Smug Snake

Maelstrom

An old, old enemy of Mediochre’s whom the SSS hired as a dragon-slayer.

• Arch-Enemy: To Mediochre.
• Barbarian Villain
• Doomed Hometown: His Freudian Excuse.
• The Dragon Slayer
• Dragon with an Agenda: The SSS want him to only kill certain dragons. Maelstrom wants to kill them all.
• Dumb Muscle
• Evil Counterpart: To Mediochre in some ways. Evil, dumb and strong counterpart at least.
• Fantastic Racism: Hates dragons.
• Freudian Excuse: A dragon destroyed his hometown.
• Heroes Prefer Swords: He likes to think he’s the hero, and he uses a sword.
• Kick the Dog: He’s a prick to his hunting hound.
• Killed Off for Real
  • The End... Or Is It?
• Names to Run Away from Really Fast
• Only One Name
• Really 700 Years Old
• So You Want To Live For Ever: Has been mainlining dragon’s blood to stay alive.

Beowulf

Maelstrom’s dog.

• Kick the Dog: On the receiving end from Maelstrom.
• Killed Off for Real
• Right-Hand Attack Dog

Isobel Linda Williams

An SSS mercenary sent to recover Glint from Mediochre. Also Kiwi’s daughter.

• Dark Action Girl
• Exact Words: She beats a lie detector this way – it’s technically true that no-one in the university works for the SSS, since Kiwi is not their minion but their boss.
• Like Mother Like Daughter
  • Mummy's Little Villain
• Playing with Fire: Is a pyromancer.
• Surrounded by Idiots: The team she commands are a few stars short of a galaxy.
• Would Hurt a Child: Tries to kill Charlotte, not to mention threatening to blow up a school.

The Edinburgh Kiss

A crime mob of Vampires living underneath Edinburgh. Revealed to be in league with the necromancer.

• Gang of Hats: Does being a Vampire count as a Hat?
• Generic Ethnic Crime Gang: With the twist that the "ethnicity" here is "Vampire".
• Ruthless Foreign Gangsters: Even if you don't count "undead" as a type of "foreign", several of them are foreign anyway. And they are definitely ruthless.

Guinevere Spencer

Broodmother of the Edinburgh Kiss.

• Blood Knight
• Classical Movie Vampire: Pretty-much the classic female movie vampire.
• Depraved Bisexual/Psycho Lesbian: Implied, given her relationship with Millacra.
• The Don
• Family-Unfriendly Death: Her head gets torn in two by Sable.
• For the Evulz: Joseph notes that she talks too flippantly about "the cause" to actually believe in it. She just wants an excuse to kill people. She also once slaughtered an entire town for a bet.
• Lesbian Vampire: Probably. She has a lot of Les Yay with Millacra.
• Not in This for Your Revolution: See For the Evulz above.
• Team Mom: Claims to be this.

Tiffany Quicksilver

Guinevere's second-in-command.

• The Champion: To Spencer.
• Cute Bruiser: Also Cute and Psycho.
• Dark Action Girl
• The Dragon: To Spencer.
• Girlish Pigtails: Wears her hair in a pair of braids for extra Cute and Psycho points.
• Hell-Bent for Leather

Sultan

A lower-down member of the Kiss.

• Badass Longcoat
• Eerie Pale-Skinned Brunette
• Emo Teen: Looks like one, but he's probably a lot older than that.
• Superhero Packing Heat: Something of a supervillain packing heat, as it turns out he'd rather threaten people with a gun than with his natural Vampire powers. Charlotte thinks that counts as cheating.

Millacra Karnstein

A former member of the Kiss, now mostly reformed and trying to live a quiet life in the Edniburgh Dusk.

• Born in the Wrong Century: In her case, she was probably born in the right century. She's just outlived the right century.
• Heel–Face Revolving Door
• Lesbian Vampire: Almost certainly, given her interactions with Guinevere and her name.
• Public Domain Character: Implied to possibly be the same person as Joseph Sheridan LeFanu's Carmilla.
• Redemption Equals Death
• Significant Anagram: Her name is an anagram of 'Carmilla' - who uses lots of other anagrams of her real name (Mircalla) in the original novel. Guinevere also implies Millacra has done the same.
• Stalker without a Crush/Stalker with a Crush: To Rowan. It's ambiguous as to which, since, being a Vampire, everything she does is ambiguously sexually charged.
• Wild Card

Floor Theta

A secret floor in the Stygian Secure Unit where the MABGov indefinitely keeps its most dangerous criminals in induced comas. Naturally, some of them escape in the third book.

• Thou Shalt Not Kill: Floor Theta is the MABGov's alternative to the death penalty.

The Choromancer

A choromancer (telekinetic, basically) who wants to gain a form of immortality by becoming infamous enough to enter the the cultural psyche as a Bogeyman figure.

• Break the Haughty: On the receiving end, from Mediochre.

• The Brute: The most mantically powerful of the villains, plus he's built like a rugby player.

• I Have Your Wife: His preferred method of getting people's cooperation.

Simultaneous Velocity Carnage

A woman with a long-standing grudge against Mediochre and a rare psychological condition where all choices she makes are completely random and unpredictable, making Mediochre's usual skills useless. Implied to be the traceable descendant of Mediochre's original daughter.

• Affably Evil: She's just as likely to engage you in jocular conversation as she is to kill you.
• Arch-Enemy: To Mediochre.

• Deadpan Snarker: Manages to out-snark Mediochre, in fact.
• Indy Ploy

• Noodle Incident: We don't know much about what happened last time she and Mediochre fought, but apparently a lot of people died and Mediochre temporarily lost an arm.

Springheel Jack

The English folk villain, actually a real creature and still alive after a couple of centuries.

• Attempted Rape: Kind of his thing. Of course, he's explicitly stated to have succeeded at it in the past, too.

• Meaningful Name: He jumps a lot.
• Psychopathic Manchild: Stated to have the same mentality as a child tormenting an animal for their amusement.

Mabel Hart

A power-obsessed old lady psychomancer.

• Evil Old Folks
• Faux Affably Evil: She talks kind of like you'd expect a sweet old lady to talk, before she forces herself inside your mind.
• Mind Manipulation

Valentine Scruff

A philiamancer who doesn't seem quite human - although he views himself as more human than other people. No explanation is given of exactly what he is except that, by his own words, he's what people become if they give in to every urge to dance they ever get.

• Cain and Abel: With his brother, Jonathan.

• Good Powers, Bad People: Philiamancy is supposed to be one of the "nice" powers - it just makes people loving. Trouble is, "loving" can turn into "obsessed" in the wrong hands.

• Heart Is an Awesome Power: With "awesome" here meaning terrifying.
• Meaningful Name: 'Valentine' seems like one at first, but the more you think about it the more it seems more like a Nonindicative Name. 'Scruff', however, works - he is pretty scruffy.
• Roof Hopping: Dances across roofs a lot.
• Scary Scarecrow: Looks a lot like a "handsome scarecrow".
• Serial Romeo: In the most horrific way possible.
• Sibling Yin-Yang: He manipulates love. His brother manipulates fear.

• Stalking is Love: He's pretty sure it is.
• Succubi and Incubi: While he insists he's human, he comes across more like some sort of incubus.

Bogle "Jonathan" Scruff

Valentine's brother, with many of the same skills and abnormalities. A phobiamancer.

• Bad Powers, Bad People: He can manipulate fear. Of course he's evil.
• Cain and Abel: With Valentine.

• Disney Villain Death
• Expy: Tanner even mentions that his current chosen name is "doubtless a deliberate reference".

• I Know What You Fear: Possibly. Or it may be that he just induces the fear without being aware of what hallucinations it causes.
• Meaningful Name: 'Jonathan' is probably a deliberate reference to Jonathan Crane. His original name, even more fittingly, was Bogle. Also, like his brother, he's scruffy.
• Scary Scarecrow: Although less is made of it with him than with his brother (ironically).
• Sibling Yin-Yang: With Valetine.
• Things That Go "Bump" in the Night: He's very similar to cultural myths of the Bogeyman: humanoid, magic, evil, strongly associated with fear and sackcloth (he's wrapped in the latter), and his original name is Bogle.

The Pied Piper

Yeah. Yeah, that one. He's an audiomancer and a psychomancer.

• Blue-and-Orange Morality: Has such an alien worldview and system of ethics that even Mediochre doesn't quite deduce his motives correctly.
• Disproportionate Retribution: Apparently, all he actually wants is payment for his original services at Hamelin. This seems like an odd reason for building an army of brainwashed children and threatening to take over the country.
• Evil Sounds Deep: His 'voice' (actually just sound that he manipulates to speak for him) is very low.
• Historical Villain Upgrade: If there was a historical Pied Piper of Hamelin, he probably wasn't an immortal magician.
• Humanoid Abomination: Tanner speculates that he may be descended from... "them".
• Invasion of the Baby Snatchers

• Magic Music: It turns kids Brainwashed and Crazy.
• Mind Manipulation: His music.
• Monster Clown: Looks somewhat Harlequinesque.

The Scissorman

Another creature much like the Pied Piper, although without any obvious mancy. He punishes children whom he perceives as guilty or sinful in some way. Nastily.

• Blue-and-Orange Morality: His views on what deserves punishment and what counts as appropriate punishment are... unique.
• Disproportionate Retribution: Mutilating children with blades is not an acceptable form of discipline.
• Humanoid Abomination: Same as the Piper. Possibly even ''less' human in the Scissorman's case.
• Open Mouth, Insert Foot: He might have been okay if he hadn't told Mediochre that someone who had seen as much suffering as he had would have the right to judge him.
• Public Domain Character: Pretty-much lifted straight out of Struwwelpeter, where he's called the "great, tall, red-legged scissorman". 'Scissorman' actually just means 'tailor'.
• The Quiet One: Barely speaks more than a sentence - and when he finally does, his voice sounds strained from lack of use.

Vanadium Steel

A metallimancer who uses his ability to 'talk' to metal as a "terrorist for hire".

• Bald of Evil: Shaven-headed version.
• Chrome Champion: Eventually weaves metal throughout his body - although it makes movement difficult.
• Extra-ore-dinary
• Killed Off for Real
• Meaningful Name: Because, y'know, metals.
• Terrorists Without a Cause: Well, his cause is that people pay him for it, technically.
• Western Terrorists: His nationality isn't noted, but he's in a British prison and his name is in English.

Others

Melinda Quinn

Mediochre’s long-time friend and one-time apprentice, who was caught in the same accident he was.

• Blessed with Suck: Her own immortality is somewhat less comfortable than Mediochre’s.
• Cool Old Lady
• Elderly Immortal: Physically, she’s nearing 100. Chronologically, she’s about 370.
• Handicapped Badass: She keeps a tazer under her wheelchair.
• Healing Factor: Due to dragon’s blood.
• Never Mess with Granny
• Master of Illusion: A brilliant iconomancer.
• Older and Wiser: Played with. She has this sort of feel about her despite being chronologically younger than the Can't Grow Up Mediochre.
• Prophet Eyes
• Really 700 Years Old
• Relative Button: She mostly only goes badass if you threaten Rowan.
• Twofer Token Minority: She’s old, disabled, female, blind, deaf, and magic.

Rowan Berry

Melinda’s many-times-great niece, who acts as an informer for Mediochre and befriends Charlotte.

• Action Girl: Not above slamming a Vampire head-first into a wall if she has to.
• The Nicknamer: Calls Mediochre ‘MQ Ochre’, Melinda ‘Mel’, Desra ‘D’ and Charlotte ‘Chaz’.
• Knowledge Broker: The girl has a lot of contacts.
• Master of Illusion: Learning to be one.
• Punny Name: Like the fruit.
• Sixth Ranger: She eventually starts getting caught up in the action more often.

Professor Your Almighty God

• A God Am I: It's in his name.
• Jerk with a Heart of Gold
• Technopath: He's a technomancer.
• Techno Wizard: Ditto.

Deep Ocean

A dragon with trans-species telepathy, whose eggs the SSS stole and whom Maelstrom wished to kill.

• Action Mom: OK, perhaps being a dragon is cheating.
• Blue-and-Orange Morality: She likes to collect anything she perceives as beautiful. Which involves her stealing treasure and kidnapping a virgin.
• Dragon Hoard: She likes them, as most dragons do.
• Eye Scream: Antler has Joseph hit her in the eye with a stun dart.
• A Form You Are Comfortable With: When she speaks inside Mediochre’s head, she does so not in her own dragon voice but in the voice of his long-dead grandmother.
• Telepathy: Even across species.

Glint

Deep Ocean’s unhatched child.

• Egg MacGuffin

The necromancer

The Heavy, if not quite the Big Bad, in the second book.—-

• Body Surf: Has been doing this since ancient times.
• Card-Carrying Villain
• Creepy Child: ...sort of.
• Critical Existence Failure: Once he's separated from Jasper.
• Deader than Dead: Eventually has his body, soul and mind(s) all obliterated in rapid succession.
• Demonic Possession: Basically how the Body Surf works.
• Enfant Terrible: Well, his body is that of a child.
• Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": Justified by the fact this particular entity is a Mind Hive with no individual name for itself.
• Evil Overlord: At the moment he's only lording it over a small island, but he's actively making moves to expand his influence.
• Fetus Terrible: He got his current body by possessing a foetus.
• Greater-Scope Villain: Was most likely possessing Stormhold Elect.
• Hoist by His Own Petard: Literally kills his own phylactery by accident.
• Humanoid Abomination: An ancient Mind Hive in a human body.
• Mind Hive: Made up of Every significant necromancer in history mashed together.
• Night of the Living Mooks: All his underlings are undead.
• Our Liches Are Different: This one is a Creepy Child with the minds of every super-powerful necromancer in history.
• Really 700 Years Old: More, actually, in this case. Much, much more.
• Sorcerous Overlord: He's an Evil Overlord who is also a mancer.
• Soul Jar: His phylacteries.
• Take Over the World: Apparently his goal.
• Touch of Death: One of his powers.
• Walking Spoiler: Hoo boy...
• You Have Failed Me: Does this to Gambit.

Xanatos Gambit

Yes, that's actually his name. A Strigoi who serves as The Dragon to the necromancer and is almost certainly a troper.

• Alien Blood: It's yellow and watery.
• Bizarre Undead Biology: He has two hearts, and is capable of swallowing an entire human arm all at once.
• Butt-Monkey: He spends much of his pagetime getting mocked, ordered around or physically attacked, despite his efforts to remain intimidating.
• Evil Redhead
• Hoist by His Own Petard: If he hadn't left that crate of scourge worms lying around...
• Nerd in Evil's Helmet: In addition to his evident knowledge of tropes, Mediochre identifies a line from one of his intimidating speeches as being stolen from Doctor Who.
• Red Right Hand: He's described as looking like his own appearance is daring him not to be evil.
• Torture Technician: Is in charge of "interviewing" Mediochre.
• You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: The poor fella gets this twice.

Doctor Prometheus Modern, MD

A medical doctor who is an old friend of Mediochre and Joseph, skilled in improvisational field medicine.

• For Science!: He's willing to have Mediochre crucified to prove his theories about dragon's blood.
• Mad Scientist: He seems a little... off. Goes completely off the deep end some time before the second book.
  • Mad Doctor
• Meaningful Name: A Modern Prometheus is the alternative title to Frankenstein.
• The Medic
• Noodle Incident: He's apparently had to perform some kind of improvised emergency surgery on someone in the past.
• Prophetic Name: He gets a nail through the neck like a Frankenstein-style bolt.
• Sudden Sequel Heel Syndrome
• Terse Talker: Not the warmest of conversationalists - although, in fairness, it is pretty clear that English is not his first language.
• You No Take Candle: Slips into this occasionally, when he's too distracted to focus on his English.

Zac Abrahams

Leader of the Humanist Movement, a militant human organisation in favour of human supremacy.

• Fantastic Racism
• Genius Bruiser: He looks like a thug, but he comes up with a pretty decent Xanatos Gambit to bring down the Dusk.
• Good Scars, Evil Scars: He has a pretty nasty evil one.
• Meaningful Name: Abraham was also the first name of Van Helsing.
• Right-Wing Militia Fanatic
• Van Helsing Hate Crimes

Doctor Alexander "Mad Lex" Gunpowder, PhD

Joseph's old mentor. Turns up in person in the Christmas Episode.

• Awesome Aussie
• Axe-Crazy: He really likes to shoot things.
• Cloud Cuckoo Lander: He's described as being "one bad day away from declaring war on antelope".
• The Gunslinger
• Improbable Aiming Skills: Implicitly.
• Mad Scientist
• Morally Ambiguous Doctorate: Although his moral ambiguity is out of insanity rather than malice.
• Posthumous Character: While he does have a major part in the first Christmas Episode, which takes place before the main series, he was first introduced in Book I as having already killed himself. By accident. By trying to use a handgun to remove a piece of food from between his teeth.
• Saved by the Awesome: His genius is all that kept him out of an asylum.
• Teen Genius: Formerly. He got a doctorate at seventeen.
• Trigger-Happy
• The Wonka
• Wooden Katanas Are Even Better: Has a peachwood one for Jiang-shi and a rosewood one for Vampires.

Aoife Silk

Mediochre's adopted-daughter-forward-slash-kidnap-victim. It's, uh, complicated.

• Abusive Parents: The Silks, probably. If nothing else, It's noted that her mother had a habit of blaming her for everything, which is a pretty psychologically damaging thing to do to a little girl.
• Cheerful Child: For the most part, despite her backstory. It's hard to tell if this is a case of Sad Clown or The Pollyanna.
• Children Are Innocent: Making her a handy foil for Mediochre...
• Dark and Troubled Past: Via Nothing Is Scarier. All we know of her childhood pre-Mediochre is that she frequently called an advice hotline just to have someone to talk to, she really didn't want her mother to catch her doing so, and she had learned to cry without making enough noise to alert anyone. And then there's this:
  Mediochre: You didn't see what her parents were arrested for.
• Innocent Prodigy: The innocence is there. The prodigy part is downplayed, but she's pretty sharp for her age.
• Wise Beyond Their Years/From the Mouths of Babes: She quotes Neitzche at Mediochre. Although she does mention that she heard it from someone else.