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The Imperial Palace

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    The Emperor 

The Emperor/God-Emperor Of Mankind/Man-Emperor of Mankind/The Motherfucking Emperor/The Lord of Humanity

https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/itehattsd1.jpg
The usual reaction.

Voiced by: A Text To Speech Device and Randolph Carter (Whenever not using the Text To Speech Device, which is mostly flashbacks, Imagine Spots, drifting soul fragments, etc)

The mightiest being in the galaxy, the post-human titan, the saviour of humanity, a living god...note  once. These days, he's stuck on galaxy's most elaborate life-support machine and nearly powerless physically, which leaves him with a snarky attitude and an awful case of grumpiness. Also an itchy nose for some reason, despite effectively being a skeleton.


  • Absolute Xenophobe: A trait downplayed compared to the Emperor in canon. He says he would actually be okay with xenos living side-by-side with humans, so long as they agreed to abide by his laws and not get in the way of humanity's prosperity. It's just that every xeno civilization he's encountered has wanted to either murder or enslave humanity. He even briefly considers making an alliance with the Tau, before learning that they don't fight in melee (the cowards!). He also admits that the main reason he built the Webway was to get access to Eldar prostitutes.
  • Abusive Parents: For all of his power, charisma and wisdom, the Emperor is, and always was, an absolute horrible parental figure. He has gotten better after 10,000 years in perpetual torment as a direct result of his lousy parenting and having little else to do but reflect on that fact... but, considering he's still a verbally and emotionally abusive asshole who prefers manipulating his Primarch children like puppets rather than being honest with them, that's not saying too much. Magnus calls him out on this whenever he has the chance. By episode 28, even Rogal Dorn is doing the same, going so far as to say that Magnus has a point and even at one point proclaiming that the Emperor basically had kids 20,000 years too early.
  • Adaptational Nice Guy:
  • A God I Am Not:
    • Despite having the power of a god and expecting people to follow his decrees, he repeatedly denies being a god. Magnus finds this trait tremendously grating — for all he denies being a god, he never ceases to demand to be treated as one.
      I am like a glorious golden god [beat] Except I am not.
    • He outright admits it when confronted by Uriah Olathaire.
  • Actually Pretty Funny: Takes a moment to admire Rogal's burn that he "is what he eats" because he behaves like a "growing pile of screaming psychic children".
  • And I Must Scream: The Golden Throne is absolutely agonizing, and he can't leave it for even a second or Terra will get eaten by a Warp Rift. As it stands, the Emperor's consciousness is scattered all over Hell's half-acre and slowly but surely being eroded into nothing. He also Name Drops the Trope Namer after hearing the first question of the first Fourth-Wall Mail Slot episode.note 
  • Angrish: When truly shocked, all he can say is "Wowowowo" for a little bit. Then he delivers a blistering "Reason You Suck" Speech.
  • Aw, Look! They Really Do Love Each Other: For all his constant unending belittling of Kitten, the Emperor is heartbroken when he thinks Kitten abandoned him.
  • Batman Gambit: He's pretty adept at playing those, turning Mary Sue tendencies to his advantage or planning long time ahead using what he knows of people's characters. Then again, he's supposed to be smarter than anyone else. This comes to a head in Episode 26, where it is revealed that he intentionally built up Fyodor since before Dominique became his scribe to be as tremendously self-absorbed, arrogant, and bull-headed as possible so that when the time came the Inquisitor would genuinely believe he was the Emperor reborn, and that he would believe in this so much that a shard of the Emperor could be reincarnated into Karamazov's body. To say nothing about the fact that he knew all along that the Custodi lied to Kitten and purposely ticked Mangus off so that two more Primarchs would reveal themselves.
  • Badass Decay: He is a Heavily downplayed In-Universe example. Make no mistake, the Emperor is still one of the most powerful psykers in the galaxy and the pinnacle of human potential. However, his time on the Golden Throne has fractured his memories and his charismatic abilities so, while still potent, they are nowhere near where they were during their height. For example, in the past he was once able to sway a whole army into surrendering while speaking to them in Haiku. Meanwhile, in the present, he ends up losing a theological argument with the spirit of someone he had once bested easily in the past. The fact that Emps refuses to fully admit this frustrates Rogal greatly.
  • Berserk Button: Where do we begin?
    • Traitor Legions.
    • Religion.
    • FUCKING Horus.
    • Ultramarines (though he does come to appreciate them, or at least appreciate that he can abuse the hell out of their Plot Armor). As of the Black Templars podcast, this seems to have died off for him somewhat.
    • Senseless Sacrifice, especially when it has to do with sacrificing some of the biggest and most expensive ships in the imperium by smashing them into things or self-destructing them when they are in perfect working order. That said, he's willing to overlook it if it accomplishes something that's worth it, like when the Astral Knights rammed their Battle Barge into the World Engine.
    • The Codex Astartes and all Space Marine Foundings that aren't his original one. note 
    • General human idiocy.
    • Refusing to fight in melee. (which practically all of the Tau do)
    • Racism, which in itself gets played with when the Custodian claims that the Salamanders are feared because they are literally jet-black, which the Emperor interprets as racism towards any person of color until he finds out that the Custodian himself happens to be black (as more conventionally interpreted). Fortunately he hasn't been told of the fact that some corners of the Imperium have engaged in racism as part of the whole "kill the mutant" part of the Imperial Creed — see Lastrati.
    • He also responded poorly to incestual insinuations regarding his children, once retaliating against a question sender for insinuating that he might have had feelings towards Horus. He punts Custodisi out of reality temporarily immediately after he blatantly proposed wincest with Magnus.
  • Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: The Emperor was Conan the Barbarian, Moses, Kenshiro, and is strongly implied to have been Christian Weston Chandler, of all people.
  • Blatant Lies: The Astral Knights were totally a secret legion that The Emperor created before the Great Crusade that he never told anyone about, and not a bunch of stupid Second Founding assholes who pointlessly crashed an Emperor Class Battle Barge into a Necron World Engine.
  • Blunt "Yes": Gives one in If The Emperor Had A Podcast: Episode to a writer named "Darth Revan (The Real One, The Unique One)" after reading his disjointed, poorly-proofread letter.
  • Boldly Coming: His reason for originally building a Webway gate under the Palace? Eldar prostitutes.
  • Brought Down to Badass: Can't move from his throne and can barely move his body. But he's still the most powerful psyker in the galaxy and can create warp storms just as the side effect of getting angry.
  • Cannot Convey Sarcasm: Happens sometimes, as the text-to-speech device isn't exactly what you may call the most expressive.
  • Catch Phrase: "I'm the motherfucking Emperor."
  • Character Development: Surprisingly but yes. He comes to conclusion that he was wrong to discard his compassion, AKA Star Child, and plans to regain it, as he realized that he needs it now more than ever.
  • Character Tics: A flash around his skull when one of his Berserk Buttons gets pushed. When truly pissed, it's changed to smoke pouring out of his ears and nose, with a kettle's whistle for sound effect.
  • The Chessmaster: He's well-known for his complex strategies. His entire plan to disband the Inquisition, for instance, rode on a number of Inquisitors betraying his orders and approaching the Imperial Palace itself, convincing Fyodor that he was an incarnation of the Emperor, and Magnus sending them all to the Warp—simultaneously taking the blame for the Emperor's plan and putting Karamazov in a position that would eventually lead to him so thoroughly and intensely believing that he was the Emperor so that a shard of the Emperor's soul could take over his body. And it completely worked. Even better, the plan isn't over yet.
  • Cloud Cuckoolander: Ten thousand years have taken their toll on the Emperor's sanity. As a result, he is an oddball. Among other things when looking through books on the White Scars, when he sees one from Warhammer 40000's 1st Edition, he readily believes all the details given despite them blatantly flying the face of what he had seen previously and basic information about the galaxy note 
  • The Cobbler's Children Have No Shoes: The Emperor has genius-level analytical skills, and has demonstrated great insight into the flaws of his enemies and allies alike. Most importantly, he has successfully exploited those flaws to his own benefit, and by extension the benefit of Mankind. He is nevertheless totally blind to his own shortcomings.
    • As for his family directly, his "sons" The Twenty Primarchs are a dysfunctional group that have a very strained relationship with their father, if they have one at all. Magnus is constantly bullied by him, Horus fell to Chaos, Russ is stuck in the warp and only makes amends with somebody who believes he's a fragment of the Emperor, Jaghatai Khan is believed to be stuck in the Dark Eldar city of Commorragh, Vulkan is constantly dying, and the only one he never mocks, Sangunius, is dead. Magnus and the Emperor try to make up for lost time but the Emp only drives him away again with Kitten in tow. After Magnus leaves with Kitten, the Emp doesn't try very hard to get close with his other son, Rogal, outside of getting him a spare bike so he can "go fast" like Magnus could. As much as he cares for Mankind, he has little concern over his own "sons".
  • Color-Coded Characters: He's surrounded by gold and his subtitles are in gold.
  • Cool Old Guy: Can be this at times, especially when telling the history of the world or when actually attempting to bond with his son.
  • *Cough* Snark *Cough*: Literally types "cough-snark-cough" into the device once.
  • Deadpan Snarker: One of the ways he deals with the world around him, and even if he's corpsing, it gets lost in translation between his mind and the un-emotive text-to-speech device.
  • Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: His psychic spirit stabbed Magnus' soul right out of Tzeentch.
    • He's also capable of literally punching out powerful Chaos folk, as Eliphas learned from across the galaxy.
  • Disabled Snarker: His level of snark is inversely proportional to his mobility.
  • Disappeared Dad: To the Sensei, to the point he didn't even know he had any traditional biological children. Partially because he didn't think he could have kids the normal way, and partially because his lovers had a tendency to be grievously injured due to his superhuman abilities.
  • Enraged by Idiocy: One of his Berserk Buttons is Mankind's current idiocy.
  • Eye Scream: Rogal Dorn accidentally poked his right eye out with his armor spikes.
  • Fantastic Racism: Surprisingly subverted. he claims that he doesn't actually hate Xenos themselves, he hates how pretty much every Xenos species in the galaxy has an agenda that would fuck Humanity over if they succeeded.
  • Fashionable Asymmetry: Only one of his eyes has a visor, to his annoyance. It covers up the eye he lost when Rogal Dorn's Iron Halo stabbed it after Horus struck the Emperor down.
  • Fatal Flaw: Arrogance. He adamantly refuses to acknowledge his mistakes, and belittles everyone around him incessantly. His failure to treat his children with respect led to the Horus Heresy, Kitten's loss of position, and Magnus losing faith in his competence as a ruler.
    • Apathy is a second, self-admitted one saying that discarded his empathy and personal sentiments a long time ago deeming it a weakness he could not afford during a time where he had to build the foundations of the Imperium's future very quickly. He now realizes that, in these harsh and cruel times, he needs it back more than ever.
  • Flat Joy: Courtesy of the text-to-speech device.
  • Fourth-Wall Observer: While he has yet to address the audience, he regularly Leans on it and makes references to things that only make sense to the audience. furthermore, after the intro sequence first appeared in episode 12, he responded to it in the usual manner.
  • Fridge Logic: In-Universe he's confused as to why he has a monocle, despite both eyes rotting away aeons ago. He would also like to know where his right hand is. note 
    • Once Rogal points it out, he has serious trouble figuring out just where all of Terra's natural water went to.
  • The Gadfly: He likes to say absurd stuff and pull people's legs just to see their reaction.
  • Girls Have Cooties: His reason for decreeing that that there shall never be any female Space Marines? He thinks girls are "yucky".
  • Gosh Dang It to Heck!: During the podcast episodes, he has to resort to silly pseudo swears to bypass the profanity filter. This results in phrases like "I am the motherflipping emperor". This goes away once the filter gets broken by an Atomic F-Bomb delivered by the man himself.
  • Grumpy Old Man: In flashbacks when he was younger he had a more dignified and stately demeanor. Most of the time in the main series, he's got a scathing critique for everything and rarely gets happy about anything. Magnus even called him "Grumpiness Incarnate".
  • Handicapped Badass: He's a corpse hardwired into a life-support system, but not only is he an incredibly powerful psyker, but even his non-reinforced bones are strong enough to withstand the crushing weight of a Space Marine in full Centurion armor without any sign of discomfort.
  • Heterosexual Life-Partners: Malcador was his "bro for life", and seeing said bro's legacy turned into an "elitist shitfest" led to an indignant rant.
  • Hidden Depths: For all his grumpiness and snarkery, his endgame for humanity is heartwarming. He truly wishes for them to ascend and become better. He also misses Sanguinus a lot.
  • Hollywood Atheist: He is an...interesting case, to say the least. True to the trope, he hates and mocks religion with passion, and basically made atheism instead into the Imperium's state belief system. Magnus likes pointing this out, "you told everyone to throw religion out the window and ironically never to question you about it." That being said, he doesn't deny the gods' existence—the Gods of Chaos are very much real, very much a huge threat to humanity, and, at least so he believes, very much needs prayer badly, so he has some some pretty good reasons for not condoning worship of the gods. At the same time, he concedes that the Gods of Chaos are not wholly evil; each has as much domain over positive forces of the universe as they do negative. But given that most if not all human efforts to ally with the Gods tends to end in nasty little incidents such as the Horus Heresy, limiting their influence over humanity is not the worst idea he's ever had.
  • Hypocrite: Uriah Olathaire states that the ultimate conclusion of the Imperial Truth is that he's trying to purge humanity of its less-savory aspects (something the Emperor himself hated in Ferrus Manus), even though this boils down to change what it means to be human, going so far as to state that the Emperor HATES humanity... and given that Emps has directly declared his goal is to basically turn humans into more of him, it's a pretty damning accusation. Uriah's also pretty pissed that for all the Emperor's disgust of religion, he took many religious terms and introduced his own bastardized version to the "secular" Imperium.
    • There's also the fact that if he really was Moses, then he was responsible for helping codify Judaism and by extension all Abrahamic religion. It might be that he was misinterpreted by his followers rather than outright deceiving them, but if that's the case it means he really should have expected the Imperial Truth to be warped again millenia later— unless this is all some incredibly long plan still unfolding.
  • I Call Him "Mr. Happy": He calls him "Big-E".
  • Insistent Terminology:
    • It's Fucking Horus, never simply Horus or Horus Lupercal. Given his current, agony-filled condition is directly related to said Horus, it's not hard to see why he calls him that.
    • It's not Marneus Calgar, it's Papa Smurf.
  • It's All About Me: He manage to turn every conversation into a paean to his greatness. Even his history of the galaxy turns into his own autobiography with his arrival on the scene of events.
  • Jerkass Has a Point: Being a hypoctrical asshole doesn't change that when the Emperor is right, he's right.
    • He's an Abusive Parent to Magnus, but as he points out, Magnus did screw up by falling for Tzeentch's tricks. Likewise he also points out that Magnus keeping secrets from the Thousand Sons is Not So Different from how the Emperor kept secrets from his sons about Chaos.
    • Frequently makes justified complains about how dumb the Imperium is.
    • Among his complaints about his sons, he said Vulkan was "too damn nice." When we do see Vulkan he is definately too nice for his own good.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Make no mistake, the Emperor is a colossal asshole but he does care for humanity. And if there's any doubt of that consider that he has to care seeing as he's not backing down from fixing the Imperium and bringing back the Imperial Truth, no matter how insurmountable it might seem. He even states that he still cares about humanity because he sees the immense potential in it. Despite all the verbal abuse he heaps on the Custodian; he's genuinely sad and heartbroken when he thinks Kitten quit being his caretaker voluntarily.
  • Kick the Dog: He regards the time he kidnapped Angron and left all his friends to die in the process hilarious. He doesn't seem to realize how much this fueled his already volatile rage and blames his betrayal on being "unreasonably fuck-ass mad".
  • Lack of Empathy: He doesn't care much about anyone, save for the inchoate potential of humanity. His arrogance, Never My Fault and this trope conspired to send his decrepit corpse into the Golden Throne, where he's been rotting for ten millennia as his dreams and hopes are corrupted into a caricature of everything he held dear... and he still refuses to learn his lesson. That being said, he does on several occasions express sincere remorse and compassion for some of the actions that he’s done. Word of God is that is that this is because while he doesn't have any compassion, he is aware of this and is able to use a mix of other emotions to compensate.
    • Thankfully, he seems to have realized that abandoning his compassion was a mistake and launched a plan to retrieve the fragment of his soul containing it that's been in motion as far back as Episode 4, preparing one of the craziest men in the Imperium to be its vessel by convincing him that he is said fragment before having a redeemed Magnus caber-toss him into the Warp.
  • Large Ham: This is the Emperor of Mankind afterall. Using a text to speech device has done nothing to diminish his hamminess, or even his ability to raise his voice.
  • Laser-Guided Karma: Had he not bailed out to stay away from Magnus' rampage, he'd still have Kitten as his attendant and he wouldn't have to endure the Fab Custodes' ludicrous hyper-macho antics. Also, mocking Magnus one too many times when he just wants to help leads to the Primarch lying to Kitten about the Emperor wanting him back as the attendant and puts him down even further. Although there's the implication that even that is a part of his plan.
  • Leitmotif: His throne room is always set to a Rachmaninov piece.
  • Love Is a Weakness: The Emperor cast love, compassion, empathy, and sentiment aside while he was building the Imperium, for at the time he felt that progress was more important than anything else. By episode 26, he realizes that he was wrong, and that he needs these things to be truly human.
  • Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex: The Emperor had many lovers over his many years when he was corporeal... but when he was a healthy human he was also a superhumanly strong giant who frequently injured his partners. He's genuinely surprised that many of his partners survived to bear his children.
  • Medium Awareness: The Emperor seems to be quite aware that he's on a show. It used to be limited to less formal things like answering letters, but slowly crept its way into the series proper. One of the more prominent and recent examples is when he states that Magnus has been absent for two years note  while Magnus confusedly insists he's been gone a monthnote  at most.
  • Mind Hive: His soul is made up of thousands of human shamans, and these days, it's splintered into even more parts thanks to his long interment on the Golden Throne.
  • Mr. Exposition: With how backwards the Imperium is in the 40K in terms of knowledge, he often finds himself in this position. He also gives a two-episode long explanation about the general backstory of the setting up to and including the Horus Heresy. That being said, he's often on the receiving end of it as well- given that he's been interned in the Throne for the past ten thousand years and that his mind is splintered across space, there's a lot for him to catch up on.
  • Narcissist: He's awesome and he'll have you know it.
  • Never My Fault: It's always either Chaos or Fucking Horus, never him. Though he does admit at least once to Magnus that they made the same mistakes, quote: "Like fucking father, like fucking son."
  • Not So Different: The Star Child, his lost compassion describes Fyodor Karamazov as a hypocritical, angry Jerkass with a god complex. Just like the Emperor.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: Based on an offhand comment he makes toward Karstodes about his need of Kitten's help, he seems to be fully aware of what Magnus and Kitten are up to and is simply pretending to not know about the current situation, suggesting that it may be a part of his plan. Later confirmed that he did know of Magnus' and Kitten's plan to use the Proteus Protocol, but shot it down on the grounds that it tends to sap people of their sanity, something that Emps is barely clinging to as it is, and so he distracts Magnus by sending him to the Black Library.
  • Only Sane Man: Wackiness, Cloud Cuckoolander tendencies, and staggering Jerkass behaviors aside, he's one of the vanishingly few people who realizes how absurd everything around him is. He's very quick to point out why a number of the Imperium's existing policies are stupid and inefficient, and wonders how on Terra it got to the point when his original intentions for his regime were so badly misrepresented by his successors.
  • Out with a Bang: The Emperor has killed several women by having sex with them, apparently.
  • Painting the Medium: You may've noticed that Emperor's lines are always written this way. It's the same in series' subtitles and unique to him.
  • Papa Wolf: One of his redeeming factors is that, despite being an incredibly shitty parent in most ways, he does occasionally show a fiercely protective instinct towards his progeny.
    • Goes downright berserk when he learns of the fate of the Sensei.
    • Risks his soul splintering into even more parts to confront Tzeentch and take Magnus' soul back.
    • He also shows a little of this towards Kitten, as he offhandedly threatened Karstodes after he threaten Kitten for information to report back to the Emperor with.
    • He psychically slaps the hell out of Custodisi after said Custodes refers to Magnus as "Hot Stuff" while calmly reprimanding him. The siren that goes off in the background however, hints that he's in a state of Tranquil Fury over Custodisi's lusting over his son. Eventually, after one crass pass too many, he loses patience and just outright deletes Custodisi from reality—sending him to the Warhammer Fantasy dimension.
  • Parental Favoritism: Doesn't even bother to hide his favoritism of Sanguinius over the rest of his sons.
  • The Perfectionist: He's critical of just about everything, but he is especially frustrated that his sons lacking traits that a certain sibling might have in excess. He doesn't like them being too nice, too honest, too straight-laced, too quirky, too strict, too lenient. Just so.
  • Pet the Dog: Has a few moments when he genuinely shows appreciation for humanity and his companions.
    • Episode 13 has him talk about what he liked about his sons in spite of their flaws with profuse emotion and kindness...well, according to Kitten's narration, because it's off-screen.
    • He also went through the trouble of recovering Magnus's soul from Tzeentch using one of his own soul fragments, a process which is known to be rather painful for him. All to show that, even if he is a dick, he still cares about his son.
    • He occasionally shows some kindness towards the Custodes even though they freak him out / annoy him constantly. He allowed Karstodes to watch the Slaaneshmas show with Decius and Rogal Dorn when there was no real reason for him to do so, and actually bonded a little with Custodisi over the White Scars.
    • While he snarks regularly throughout the Podcast on the White Scars (including on their performance individually as a legion), in his actual summation at the end he genuinely compliments the Scars on their strengths and offers legitimate criticism and suggestions to improve on their weaknesses instead of mercilessly mocking them like you'd expect him to).
    • In Podcast #1, he forgives the entire population of Krieg based solely on the contents of a letter (although he freely admits that he has no idea what it was they did).
    • In Episode 26, the Star Child fragment of the Emperor is vastly more kind and benevolent, even thanking the soul of Dominique for helping him with his grand plan to convert Karamazov into an appropriate vessel.
  • Pro-Human Transhuman: He describes himself as a deity (even though he isn't one, by his own admission), but has humanity as his priority. His ideal view for humanity's endgame is, essentially, every human alive being just as advanced and powerful as he is, basking forever in the joys of being human, and wishes to bring them all to this point himself.
  • Psychic Powers: He's got telekinesis and telepathy to some extent. It seems to get stronger the longer the text-to-speech device has been implemented, though it's mostly been used to punch out people, and even then mostly just Kitten.
  • Psychopathic Manchild: For all his grumpiness, he can get overly excited with toys of mass destruction. It says a lot that his reaction to the existence of the World Engine was "Holy shit. I want one."
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: ...Sometimes. He may be a Grumpy Old Man and a Psychopathic Manchild, but often he's the sole voice of reason in the world utterly drowning in grimdark.
  • Saying Sound Effects Out Loud: Not that he has a lot of choice, being hooked up to a text-to-speech device.
  • Serious Business: He and his son Dorn started several civil wars throughout the galaxy because they couldn't agree on what day to eat tacos. He considers it a grievous crime to eat Tacos on a day that isn't an assigned Taco Day, and encourages his subjects to murder their neighbors if they don't eat Tacos on Friday.
    • Also, melee combat. He was literally on the verge of declaring the Imperium make peace with the Tau until he learned that the Tau's combat doctrine revolves around avoiding melee except as a last resortnote . He promptly called off all of those plans, decreeing them to be too cowardly to tolerate as allies.
  • Sir Swears-a-Lot: He's why this series isn't family friendly. It's unlikely he has more than one line without some curse thrown in.
  • Stop Worshipping Me: One of his first acts upon regaining ability to speak is disbanding all ways in which people worship him.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: He actually manages to sound fairly regal between the bouts of swearing and dick jokes.
  • Squee!: As close to it as he can get anyway. In Episode 26 Part 2 he announces that "It has Begun" and then erupts into a deluge of "Boy oh Boy"s when He senses that the Star-Child has possessed Fyodor.
  • Suddenly Voiced: The entire premise is that this happens to him with the implementation of text-to-speech device.
  • Surrounded by Idiots: Part of why he's such a jackass. In his defense, the secular empire devoted to logic and reason has turned into a theocratic hellhole, his bro for life Malcador's work became the Inquisition, the Imperium keeps hiring people that're Obviously Evil, his most trusted warriors have turned into Stripperiffic yes-men. It'd be weird if he didn't feel this way.
  • Survivor Guilt: Though he didn't survive very well himself, there's a vein of this in his feelings about Sanguinius. He talks shit about each and every other Primarch, but still sees Sanguinius as his ideal son...because he died for him. In spite of being mostly dead and speaking through a machine, the forlorn hope that the Sanguinor might be even just a fragment of Sanguinius is the only thing to have brought the Emperor to abject sorrow.
  • Synthetic Voice Actor: The premise. Kitten had a techpriest install a text-to-speech device in the Golden throne, and the Emperor can communicate with his subjects again.
  • Time Abyss: He's over fifty thousand years old.
  • Virtue Is Weakness: He begins Episode 26 with a monologue on the matter, saying that compassion, humanity itself, was something that was hindering him back when he was crafting the Imperium, and so he cast it aside, so it wouldn't hinder him while he was busy ruling humanity and leading it towards the stars. But now he realizes that, in this day and age, he needs it back more than ever, with the implication he's realized that might have been a mistake from the start.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Like it or not, he gets along with Magnus and Kitten a lot better than with anyone else in the Palace. If you've noticed that he constantly insults and belittles them and sometimes psychically punches Kitten... then it's still an improvement.
  • The Watson: As he's been stuck on the Golden Throne for millennia, a lot of screentime is spent on explaining the current status of the imperium and its enemies to him.
  • Wacky Parent, Serious Child: Zigzagged - For a given value of "wacky" and "serious," considering that it's not so much that he's wacky and his children are serious, but more that they're wacky and serious in different ways, sometimes. Compare his oddly childish reactions to certain things and nonstop barrage of acerbic, snarky one-liners to some of his children, such as Dorn, Magnus, and even Russ.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: While he does love humanity and their potential, he utterly loathes individuals and is intensely irritated by mortal foibles. Everything about the Imperium is an effort to ensure his ideals come to pass and he's ready to go further to better police humanity. He mentions his interest in coopting the concept of a Hive Mind from the Tyranids into humans so he can, basically, directly oversee everyone.
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Inner Circle

    The Captain-General ('Kitten') 

The Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes/Little Kitten/...Goldielocks Sunshine Graham Corncob Thomps-...

https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/itehattsd2.jpg
That's also a usual reaction. Click here to see him in his Captain General Armor 

Voiced by: ThunderPsyker

The current commander of the Adeptus Custodes and the personal caretaker of the Emperor of Mankind. One of the few to avoid or at least get out of the crippling insanity riddling the Adeptus Custodes, he's watching over the Golden Throne when the text-to-speech device is mounted and thus assumes the position of Emperor's companion and adviser - a job description which translates to "Butt-Monkey".


  • 24-Hour Armour: He never takes it off, apparently being worried about the reaction of his fellow Custodes. The one time he thinks about taking it off was in the remake of the first episode when he was excited at the idea of the Emperor will be able to converse with followers again before he suppresses that errant desire. In Episode 20 the Emperor forces him out of it for a minute or so. Magnus later does the same in episode 27, to "help" him change into his Captain General garb faster.
  • The Alleged Boss: Despite officially being the Captain-General, the other Custodes only follow his orders when they feel like it. Magnus and Dorn both call them out on it in episode 27.
    • Turns out the rest of the Custodes outside the fabulous three actually greatly appreciate him as Captain General because his mild mannered attitude comes off as fatherly, and they are all pretty willing to follow his commands. They don't want a powerful Warmaster to lead them, because that sort of ambitious, commanding authority led to the Horus Heresy in the first place.
  • Almighty Janitor: In the grand scheme of the Imperium, he's extremely low on the totem pole as far as rank goes. As the personal speaker of the Emperor, however, he's technically one of the most powerful despite this. This is on top of the fact that, due to beating Tzeentch in a card game, he technically owns the soul of Magnus The Red.
  • Ambiguously Bi: Touched upon in Episode 20, where he agrees that he was fantasizing about "big, exotic, crust covered men who have come to come and take [him] away to the lands of a thousand volcano cannons exploding in [his] face." For context, they're talking about the Salamanders and their Volcano Cannons, huge weapons that are longer than they are wide and shoot hot, white blasts from their tips. On the other hand, his great love was Shadowsun but that was "NOT FUCKING CANON", though in Episode 27 the Lockwarden implies that it is canon.
  • Ambiguously Brown: In Episode 20, the Emperor forces Kitten out of his armor to see what color his skin is when he is Mistaken for Racist. The Emperor was unbelievably angered at the thought that the post-racial society of the Imperium had descended into racism (as Kitten's comments about people finding the skin color of the Salamanders off-putting would suggest), after which Kitten explains that he's not racist against his own race, and the Imperium isn't racist. note 
    Kitten: What? Black? No I'm not, I'm... I guess you'd call it brownish? I dunno, it's just some normal skin color.
  • Animal Motifs: Cats, to an extent. His fellow Custodes call him "Little Kitten" and both his Yu-Gi-Oh battles used cat monsters as a key component.
  • Authority Equals Asskicking: If his first confrontation with Karamazov is of any indication, yes, his title of Captain-General is not only for show. Whammudes does, however, think he's not that badass, and that several vying for the position could probably kick his ass.
  • Badass Cape: Has a long red cape, and must have been a badass to get the job.
  • Beleaguered Assistant: To the Emperor, having to deal with his lord's grumpiness, mockery and frequent rages.
  • Badass Baritone:
    • When he challenges Tzeentch for Magnus' soul, he suddenly gets a much deeper voice similar to the other Custodes.
    • He also uses a deeper voice when dealing with Skitarii who refuse to listen to him, and the Fabricator-General of Mars.
  • Battle Butler: As Caretaker, his duties include making tea, washing the Emperor, fighting muck monsters in the sewers, and executing his lord's enemies.
  • Berserk Button: The Tau are the only thing that can make him absolutely furious. When Magnus sarcastically suggests that Kitten's plan to sneak around Nocturne under invisibility magic makes perfect sense because it's something that "the Tau would do," Kitten flips his shit and very nearly starts a fight with the Salamander guards.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: Kitten is almost always kind and polite in comparison to the rest of the cast, even up to refusing the Emperor's order to have Guilliman's life support cut. However, when truly pushed his warrior side comes out in stride, from promising to genocide the Tau, to getting fed up with the Inquisition coup and intending to just kill them all, to even assassinating the High Lords. Though the ones he killed were alien doppelgangers, he believed they were the real thing.
    • The tail end of a lecture he gives in Episode 28 suggests that if his requisition orders are ever refused, he will execute the offenders without mercy.
  • Black and Nerdy: He's Ambiguously Brown underneath his armor, and is all but stated to spend his down-time reading in the Black Library.
  • Bling of War: His armour is golden and really decorative. Most characters had taken to compare it to a golden banana. It becomes silver during his card game with Tzeentch, much to his disappointment.
    • In Episode 27 he switches away from his Tzeentch-cursed silver armor into his official still-golden Captain-General armor; it's even more blinged out than his original armor (though he doesn't escape the silver entirely, as one of the pauldrons falls victim to the curse.)
  • Bondage Is Bad: Inverted, he's implied to be sexually submissive both with his fellow Custodes and Shadowsun yet he is perhaps the most sympathetic character in the main cast.
  • Bored with Insanity: As much as he doesn't want to admit it, he too went through a phase where he engaged in the same exhibitionist Camp Gay tendencies as his Custodes brothers (and secretly still wants to).
  • Boring Yet Practical: Both times he played a children's card game:
    • When he and the Emperor play, the Emperor proceeds to use super overpowered cards to summon an extremely powerful monstrosity on his side of the field on top of a ridiculously broken field spell, which are both indestructible. Kitten defeats him by returning all his cards to his hand and attacking his greatly diminished health pool (he had paid all but 100 of his health to power up his Mega Ultra Chicken).
    • Tzeentch sets up strategies that involve lengthy, drawn-out turns, creating inescapable traps, cheating with mind-reading, and revealing back-up plan after back-up plan. Kitten finally beats him by ignoring the crazy plots and just attacking directly, as Tzeentch only had a single monster in his entire deck for defense.
  • Broken Pedestal: More chipped than broken, but Kitten is nonetheless perturbed at how petty his Emperor can be and how one of the first tasks he was assigned involved euthanising Roboute Guilliman (read: one of the Emperor's most loyal Primarchs) simply because he found his Ultramarines to be annoying.
  • Butt-Monkey: Being Emperor's sole companion for a long time, he's the butt of his jokes and mockery, as he's nowhere near his lord's mental capabilities.
  • The Cavalry: Sallies to the Lords of Terra's aid when Karamazov breaks in, saving the day with the rest of the Custodes.
  • Cerebus Retcon: Episode 24 implies that Kitten's Mr. Exposition status derives from him having discovered a section of the Imperial Webway Gate that leads to the Black Library.
  • Deadpan Snarker: It takes a while, but he starts to find his footing amidst the World of Snark he's suddenly plunged into as a Servile Snarker.
  • Did You Just Flip Off Cthulhu?: He took the time to turn Tzeentch's circular questioning on him, dropped an F bomb on him, and called him a nerd, and all with absolutely zero consequences.
  • Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: He successfully challenges Tzeentch and defeats him. Granted, it was only in a children's card game. but still.
  • Dude, Where's My Respect?: Even after finding out about his true rank, his fellow Custodes still make fun of him. Subverted with the rest of Custodes, who do appreciate him, and they elected him because of his kind and paternal character.
  • Embarrassing Nickname: His order nicknamed him "Kitten" for undisclosed but implicitly sexual reasons. It's even used in episode titles.
  • Everyone Has Standards: While he does obey the Emperor no matter how strange or bizarre his orders are, even he finds the Emperor order to cut off Roboute Guilliman's life support appalling and tends to "forget' about it. When the Emperor demands he cut Guilliman's life support immediately, Kitten has enough and refuses to obey him.
  • The Faceless: So far he's never been seen without his helmet. Even when his armor is removed his helmet stays on.
  • A Father to His Men:
    • It's what the other Custodes outside the fabulous three feel about him. Santodes outright compares him with a widowed father trying to do his best for his kids. They also directly imply that this attitude is why they elected him as Captain-General in the first place; since the Imperium is so corrupt, they don't need another Warmaster like Horus, they believe what is needed is compassion.
    • According to Whammudes, he does his best to take utmost care of the Custodian guard at all levels, while balancing it with Caretaker duties; equally important to him, as he apparently sees the Custodes as the Emperor's "immune system". Even now he's at it, manning the Imperial kitchens to have a custom pizza pie for every Custodes out there (all ten thousand of them) and leaving thousands upon thousands of them frozen in a cryo-vault while he left for Mars.
  • Four-Star Badass: He turns out to be the Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes, one of the High Lords of Terra and one of the most politically powerful people in the Imperium.
  • The Gloves Come Off: Finally has enough of it when Karamazov turns out to be completely insane. He orders the man's execution by shooting squad made of all the Custodes.
  • Grew a Spine: Starts off as a sycophant and a Yes-Man, but grows into a Servile Snarker.
  • Heroic Build: The Season 2 finale reveals he's just as well-built under that armor as the other Custodes.
  • Hidden Depths: There now exists a strong implication that he's so knowledgeable compared to the other Custodes because he's been using a path in the Imperial Webway Gate to visit the Black Library and Cegorach.
  • The Idealist: Zigzagged. He plays this role when telling the Emperor about various stupid shit, but he's also desperate to keep the Emperor happy. On the other hand, Kitten still acts the optimist even when away from the Emperor (singing while making tea for example and his faith in humanity).
  • Improbable Aiming Skills: Being a Custodes, he has inhuman marksmanship skills, which he uses during his card game with Tzeentch to shoot a flipped coin out of the air so it lands on the correct side.
  • Interspecies Romance: The Emperor suggests that Kitten once had a romance with a Tau and she left him for the Greater Good, fueling his hatred of her species. He disagrees vehemently, but the Lockwarden implies that not only did it indeed happen, but that Kitten periodically visits the Vaults beneath the palace to bemoan that break-up.
  • The Jeeves: A polite and cheerful servant who serves tea and keeps the Emperor happy.
  • Irrational Hatred: He HATES the Tau, going balastic at the mere mention of them. Chaos and the other Xenos who have done far greater harm to the Imperium than the Tau have do not provoke the same level of hate from him.
  • Mayfly–December Romance: His Not Fucking Canon relationship with Commander Shadowsun of the Tau falls squarely in this territory. Tau rarely live to eighty, and Kitten was at least five thousand when the Tau were in their Stone Age.
  • Mistaken for Racist: Happens in the Season 2 finale in which he reveals the Salamanders are feared for "being black" and the Emperor goes nuts on him. Turns out that he himself is black, and that he meant that the Salamanders are scary for being literally charcoal-black with glowing red eyes. He didn't even know "black" in the racial sense was a thing.note 
  • Mouth of Sauron: When the Emperor's orders must be carried out, he's the one who goes around and repeats them.
  • Mr. Exposition: As the Emperor has little idea of what has happened in the last ten thousand years, Kitten is the one to bring him up to date with Imperial and other real-space topics like the various xenos races.
  • Noble Bigot: He's a nicer fellow than most in the setting, but he's about as prejudiced against xenos with special (and very personal) enmity devoted to the Tau. Given that the setting runs on Aliens Are Bastards it's hard to fault him for it, irrational hate for the Tau notwithstanding.
  • Noodle Incident: His armorless phase and his previous time serving as the Blood Games' Seek and Destroy target implied some rather unfortunate encounters with his fellow Custodes. His former relationship with a Tau is not an example because it is "NOT FUCKING CANON!"
  • "Not Important to This Episode" Camp: In episode 24 he and Magnus show up briefly after the credits only so that the viewers can learn that they've chosen to take a ship to Nocturne (instead of Magnus teleporting them) because Magnus wants to be nostalgic and have some fun.
  • Not So Above It All: Though he doesn't want to admit it, the Captain General secretly wants to engage in the same male Stripperific tendencies as his brother Custodes. It's also implied he used to, but recovered at some point.
    "Our Glorious Emperor will be able to converse with his subjects once more. And I shall be the first to speak with him! Hhhooo.... I could just... (inhale) take off my armo... NO! Calm Down! I restrained myself for millennia!"
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: The closest thing he has to a revealed name in the series is "Little Kitten", which was given to him by his now-insane comrades. His actual name intentionally obscure to obfuscate which canon Captain General he is, if any.
  • Only Sane Man: Amidst the Custodes, he's the one not to surrender to overwhelming exhibitionist, camp and suicidal tendencies, which is probably why he became the Captain-General. Though from some of his statements on the whole situation, he likely went just as nuts as the rest of them before coming full circle.
    • Downplayed, in that a number of other sane(-ish) Custodes have also been introduced, primarily the Shadowkeepers Shield-host and their leader, Lockwarden.
  • Overly Long Name: Like all Custodes, his name gained new parts with every achievement. It's now very long, and we've only heard part of it. On Mars a Skitarii tries to say his name but its sheer length makes its implant short out.
    Skitarii: Subject Identified. Branch: Adeptus Custodes. Rank: Captain General. Name: (sparks fly out of his head through his cohorts) ... Screw... That...
    Kitten: Well that's rude.
  • Overshadowed by Awesome: The fact that Kitten plays The Straight Man, and is surrounded mostly by Primarchs and his insane comrades, plus his own attitude makes Kitten come off as a gold-plated butler, and average, if not short height, when he is in fact, Captain-General of the Custodian Guard, a High Lord of Terra in his own right, and a obvious badass besides. Oh and he's actually a head taller than the already superhumanly tall Space Marines. It's just that he's mostly surrounded by people of equal or even greater height anyways.
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: Being the Captain General of the Custodes does make him one of the High Lords of Terra, and apart from Decius he's the only sane one.
  • Precision F-Strike: He doesn't swear nearly as often as the Emperor, only when it's Tau or he's really surprised.
  • Real Life Writes the Plot: According to ThunderPsyker, the primary reason Kitten was written to dislike the Tau so much is because of the frustration Psyker went through beating the Tau fortress in the campaign of Dawn of War: Dark Crusade.
  • Really 700 Years Old: He's been around for eleven thousand years.
  • Seen It All: His behavior in the palatial kitchen, as two cooks battle nearby and Custodes are falling from the skies, screams this.
  • Servile Snarker: He's been learning how to play the snarking game, and starts to put it to good use in his interactions with the others, such as wondering if the Emperor was born in a gold depository, erm, the most glorious gold depository in the galaxy!
  • The Stoic: He takes all that happens surprisingly in stride, although he does exhibit emotion, to his worry.
  • Suddenly Ethnicity: Given that the Imperium is officially a post-racial society (though, as with everything Imperial, it's not universal), his ethnic background is never brought up until he is Mistaken for Racist against black people. Before Kitten can explain himself, the Emperor notes that he's black and thinks that he's racist against his own race. Kitten is rather confused by the whole concept, especially since he was grown in a tube by the Emperor.
  • Supreme Chef: The Vox-logs reveal that he somehow managed to produce enough pizza for weeks worth of supply in the time it took him and Magnus to set up his team to Mars. Something even Whammudes is thankful for. And according to him, he's baked them for every Custodian in the palace every day for millennia, and still managed to make them both delicious and nutritious.
  • Sycophantic Servant: He's not fueling Emperor's narcissism, he's pouring pure promethium on it.
  • Team Dad: All of the other Custodes, with the exception of the Pillarstodes who hold him in contempt, treat him like this. It's explicitly why they made him Captain-General.
  • Try to Fit THAT on a Business Card!: In Episode 23 Magnus forces him to tell him his full name, forgetting that Custodes "names" are earned as recognition for mighty deeds, and that not only is he Captain-General but he's been alive for over ten millennia (or maybe Magnus just assumed he lead too uneventful a life to have preformed any mighty deeds). He doesn't even get halfway through. His names include "Goldielocks Sunshine Graham Corncob Thomps-". In Episode 28, a Skitarii begins to recite his name but then shorts out due to data overflow.
  • Tin Man: Played for Laughs. Many jokes are made of him being afraid, frustrated or uncomfortable despite supposedly having his emotions surgically removed.
  • Undying Loyalty: To the Imperium. While believes Magnus when he says the Emperor doesn't want him back as his caretaker, when offered the choice of serving "someone else," Kitten bluntly responds "I'm not joining Chaos you ass."
  • The Unreveal: Episode 28 finally gives a hint at his true name. He's NOT Constantin Valdor... which really doesn't narrow it down much. The second Fabstodes Vox-Log reveals that he's not Trajann Valoris either.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Has shades of this with Magnus. While Magnus is just as prone to insulting Kitten when mad, Kitten isn't terrified of Magnus' wrath (barring Leman Russ-induced Hulking Out episodes) the way he is the Emperor's. Even before the two head off to "Make the Imperium Great Again," all of their scenes alone together are filled with mutual light-hearted snark. It fractures momentarily at the start of Episode 27 with their argument before Magnus is forced to flat out admit his plan involves giving the Emperor a new body.
  • Weak, but Skilled: Among the Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker decks shown in specials, his is basically this. Whereas the Emperor's is based around buffing a single Olympus Mon until it's near unstoppable, and Tzeentch's is based around manipulation through a deck where only one card is a monster, his is the most balanced, and, whereas his individual monsters are weak, they strengthen each other, and are a force to be reckoned with when fighting in tandem. Those factors, along with his strategies, allows him to best both the Emperor, and the God of Fate, in a game he only played twice. It also helps that his deck contains Boring Yet Practical hard counters to both of their strategies.
  • Workaholic: Taking both Captain-General and Caretaker duties at once immediately qualifies him as one, if Whammudes' word on what the latter entails and his personal touch to the former are anything to go by. Caretaker duties already have the latter "taxed to his core" in his words, yet Kitten covered them for thousands of years on top of expanding his duties to include every Custodian in the palace; baking pizzas for all ten thousand of them every damn day being but one of these additional duties.
  • Yes-Man: He rarely disagrees with the Emperor. With Character Development he is slowly moving away from this. Apparently all Custodes started developing on their own but all but he went insane from it. It's often fear of the Emperor's rage that keeps him in line nowadays as well as some of his lingering "automaton" programming.
  • Your Soul Is Mine: By winning his card game with Tzeentch, Magnus' soul is technically bound to him. Magnus absolutely refuses to acknowledge that fact.

    Magnus the Red 

Magnus the Red, Primarch of The Thousand Sons

https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/itehattsd3.jpg
You'll see...

Voiced by: Zegram

One of the 20 Primarchs, the genetically-modified, superhuman children of the Emperor. He was actually a Chaos Primarch, having fallen during the events of the Horus Heresy, and doesn't return until the Emperor decides to sent Ultramarines and haul him back to Terra. Now, with his soul back and protected from Tzeentch and his minions in the Imperial Palace, he brings his wit and Insufferable Genius to the arguments within the Throne Room.


  • Accent Adaptation: He gets a thick Australian accent. He goes full-on Steve Irwin in the Crotalids short.
  • Accidental Murder: Kills Vulkan with the Engine of Woes in the midst of a pain-induced frenzy. He's noticeably horrified and regretful for it despite his earlier anger. Luckily, it's Vulkan, and he doesn't mind.
  • Achey Scars: Apparently, despite being partially incorporeal, his spine still suffers the pain of when Leman Russ broke it during the Horus Heresy as shown when Vulkan gives him a crushing hug and he starts screaming in pain.
  • Admiring the Abomination: He spends most of the third podcast professing sarcastic enjoyment of the book's terrible writing. While his praise is sarcastic, he does actually enjoy the book in a "So bad it's good" way.
  • Affectionate Nickname: When in a good mood, the Emperor calls him "my little Magnymagic."
  • Anti-Villain: Was this for the Horus Heresy, as he tried to warn his father with the best of intentions and fell to Chaos only to protect his legion. Technically still is this, given that his current goal is to circumvent the Emperor to fix the Imperium in his own way.
  • A Father to His Men: One of the few Chaos Primarchs to have an overwhelmingly positive relation with his Legion (at least, the ones not loyal to Ahriman). Indeed, they're so worried after he disappeared from the after-victory party in Sortarius they actually decide to contact the Emperor to check if he knows where Magnus is.
  • A Form You Are Comfortable With: He notes on one occasion that his Primarch form isn't really his true form anymore, but uses it as it is at least a friendlier face to wear. Interestingly, it seems that keeping the form up is rather uncomfortable to him and takes a considerable amount of effort to keep up, although being a Chaos-empowered Daemon Prince from the Warp forcing order upon himself is no easy task. Later this gets downplayed, as a chance encounter with Tzeentch leads to him stuck in his Demon Primarch form from The Wrath of Magnus, complete with huge feathery wings and horns. To Magnus' horror he can't shift back.
  • Amazing Technicolor Population: The moniker "The Red" didn't come from nothing.
  • The Atoner: He does feel bad for breaking the Imperial Webway, being manipulated by Tzeentch, and does genuinely wish to help bring the Imperium Of Man back to its former glory. Unfortunately, he still has a stubborn ego at times and still fights with the Emperor on HOW to go about doing this.
  • Bad Boss: During the Crotalid special, he intentionally drive his ship into the Warp without the Gellar Field on to punish his underlings for being "languid".
  • Badass Bookworm: He's one of the most powerful Primarchs in existence, daemonic or not, and also a great pursuer of knowledge.
  • Berserk Button:
    • Any mention of Leman Russ and the Space Wolves is enough to enrage him, often to the point of dropping his humanoid disguise and revealing his full, daemonic form.
      • Hell, you don't even have to mention Leman Russ. Just reminding him that his spine is broken (which it is because of Russ), or that he isn't supposed to have one in the first place, will render him in dire need of a verbal Cooldown Hug.
    • He isn't fond of being mocked when he's confused about something.
    • He's Enraged by Idiocy, to the point that reading the Imperium's stupid questions makes him quite concerned he'll sink the world into hell in a bout of rage.
    • He gets quite annoyed by Tzeentch while the latter flips his cards endlessly.
    *NERD RAGE*
    • Cherubs. He absolutely cannot stand Cherubs, and blows them up with his psionic bolts whenever one drifts into view. Possibly a case of Everyone Has Standards.
  • The Berserker: When his Berserk Button about the Space Wolves is pushed too hard, he flies into a mindless berserker fury and begins tearing up everything around him. He doesn't remember anything afterwards.
  • Big Red Devil: His One-Winged Angel true form has elements of this, mostly in the crimson skin and the horns. Normally he restrains himself into his Primarch shape, but some topics (such as the Space Wolves) make him slip badly.
  • Break the Haughty: As of Episode 23, it's revealed that his main motivation for going behind the Emperor's back is to break Big E's towering ego, and he's going to use Kitten to do it.
  • Broken Pedestal: Whilst he's not working for Tzeentch or Chaos anymore, Magnus has in no way forgotten or forgiven what an absolute douchebag the Emperor is. He makes this disdain for his creator felt with constant acerbic remarks on the Emperor's failings.
  • Calling the Old Man Out: He breaks the Emperor's aura of self-satisfaction with an angry critique of his father's actions and attitude. The Emperor being the Emperor, he manages to deflect most of it, but it seems to have some effect. Magnus even got the Emperor to admit having committed some mistakes, which is otherwise impossible due to the Emperor's ego.
  • Color-Coded Characters: Red, obviously, going from his appearance to his subtitles.
  • Critical Research Failure: In-Universe Example. In the sixth special, when the main cast is playing a Tabletop RPG, it's revealed that Magnus (who is acting as the DM) didn't read all the rules. A plot-critical NPC that he created is killed through a mixture of terrible decisions and incredibly bad (good?) luck on behalf of the players. When the The Grand Provost Marshall asks Magnus why he didn't just give the NPC a Fate Point to burn, Magnus responds by saying that he had no idea you could give Fate Points to an NPC. Later on in the special, when this is brought up again, the Grand Provost Marshall asks Magnus why, if he didn't want the NPC to die, he didn't just make the NPC invincible? When Magnus responds by telling him that would have been cheating, GPM responds that it's perfectly legal to make an NPC with no stats whatsoever and that such an NPC would be considered totally unkillable by the rules of the game.
  • Costume Evolution: Throughout the show he appears in different forms that mirror his changing design in the source material. His original form is mostly based on his Horus Heresy model, mostly humanoid but keeping the bright red skin. Later on, he is transformed by Tzeentch to match his miniature from Wrath of Magnus, gaining more overt daemonic features while keeping his original outfit. Finally, when he's enraged, he turns into a gigantic, half-naked monster similar to his first model from Epic 40,000, but coloured red to match his modern depictions.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle:
    • He solves his battle with several thousand inquisitors with a flick of his wrist.
    • On the receiving end of one from Kaldor Draigo, getting beaten off-screen with a single blow.
  • Deadpan Snarker: His critique of the Imperium and his father are usually dry and witty. His critique of his brother, Lenman Russ, and the Space Wolves are too plain and passionate for this.
  • Dissonant Serenity: His strongest reaction to eighty percent of the Inquisition raiding the Imperial Palace is mild annoyance at people interrupting him.
  • Easily Forgiven: By Vulkan.
    Vulkan: I but want to give my brother a great, big "I'm not mad that you ruined everything forever" hug!
    • This especially holds true considering the fact he accidentally killed him with the Engine of Woes. Vulkan doesn't seem to hold that against him in the slightest, either.
  • Enraged by Idiocy: Has major problems with people who can't readily follow his train of thought. Which is a lot of people, considering who he is, but the Imperium's brand of idiocy readily pisses him off.
  • Everyone Has Standards:
    • A more humorous example than most in Special 4. He's about to mock the fact that in Yu-Gi-Oh! a huge play can be undone with a single card, only to catch himself and remark that he runs a Red/Blue deck in Magic: The Gathering so he doesn't have the right to criticize.
    • He also can't stand Cherubs, because he thinks the idea of taking a dead baby and turning it into a flying cyborg for "aesthetics" is just plain creepy. In episode #27, after sending Kitten and his Custodes off to Mars, he blows up a Cherub that wanders into his line of sight and then mutters to himself about how "disgusting" Imperials are for keeping them around.
    • His response to hearing about the Necrontyr (or rather Necron by this point) and C'tan's soul-devouring massacre of the Old Ones is "Seriously though, that's awful..."
  • Evil Brit: What Zegram was trying to sound like, but it blended with his natural Texan accent to produce an Australian sounding one. Later episodes decided to roll with it, having him channel the warp through a didgeridoo and dropping some Aussie slang. TTS Short #8:Crotalids took it the furthest by being a massive Affectionate Parody of Steve Irwin.
  • Fatal Flaw: Much like his father, arrogance. Magnus can be utterly impossible when he's entirely committed to something, and often doesn't react well to being challenged. Tzeetch took advantage of it in the past and Magnus only seems to have somewhat learned from the experience as he's once again going behind his father's back to do what he thinks needs doing. Also Magnus' arrogance, unlike his father's, is often coupled with a bad habit of acting without thinking when he really wants to do something.
  • Greek Chorus: Serves as this for the card game during the fourth special, where he's mostly a commenting spectator, barring flipping a coin and blocking Tzeench's mind-reading abilities.
  • Heel–Face Turn: The Emperor convinces him to rejoin him, though some lingering traces of Chaos mindset remain. With that in mind, his attempt to convince Kitten to "serve somebody else" indicates that he's now carrying out an independent plan of his own. It's implied that he genuinely wants to repair the Imperium and he doesn't have any plans to go back to Chaos, so the Heel-Face Turn seems to have stuck in that sense. However, he now wants to repair it his OWN way rather than by following the Emperor's orders, and he's now using Kitten to help him. While it's still too soon to know what exactly his plans are, the very least of his goal seems to be trying to take his father down a notch or two. Finally it is revealed, after Kitten's starting to get sick of being strung along and Magnus is forced to tell him to get him back on board that Magnus intends to get his father off the Golden Throne and let him live again.
  • Hero with Bad Publicity: A key figure in the Emperor's grand plan to un-fuck the Imperium, and almost everyone aside from Kitten and Vulkan still hate him because of what happened during the Horus Heresy. Granted, everyone thinks he's still a traitor because the Emperor is deliberately keeping that information away from everyone.
  • Hulking Out: Transforms into his much larger and more dangerous Daemon Prince form when angered enough.
  • Humanoid Abomination: Despite being a Daemon Prince, an eldritch horror from the Warp that can Mind Rape anywho who so much as takes a peek upon his true visage and eats souls like candy, he keeps himself restricted in his humanoid primarch form.
    • Becomes this further thanks to Tzeentch's direct influence, growing wings and a pair of horns.
    Magnus: I have nipples on my head!
  • Hybrid Power: As a half-daemon he gets access to all the powers of a daemon and the free will of a human.
  • Hypocrite: Wins Kitten over to his side pointing out that the Emperor is a jerk for constantly berating him, yet when he's mad he treats Kitten exactly the same way the Emperor does; even when he's calm his Enraged by Idiocy tendencies tend to keep him on the verge of snapping at Kitten for every little detail. The best thing you can say is that unlike his father, so far Magnus hasn't carried out any threats of physical violence.
  • Immortal Immaturity: More than ten thousand years old, mostly into comics, motorcycles, and magical tomes that he finds more interesting the more "forbidden" they are. He's very easy for the Emperor to rile up, like a moody teenager, and steals an Imperial ship to travel with Kitten instead of just teleporting because it will be more fun.
  • Ignoring by Singing: His preferred method of dealing with tales of the Emperor's sex life is the standard "LALALALALAA!"
  • Incoming Ham: His first words in the show?
    NO PATHETIC BOX CAN HOLD ME LIKE THIS!
  • Inferiority Superiority Complex: Which Tzeentch exploited the everloving hell out of to make him fall the first time 'round.
  • Insufferable Genius: He's incredibly intelligent and well-educated, and you will know that a minute in conversation with him. He really does know what he's talking about.
  • Irony:
  • Jerkass Has a Point:
    • While he's only doing it to get him to listen to him after being manipulated by the Custodes to give up the caretaker position, Magnus is right bringing up the fact that Kitten, for all his loyalty to the Emperor, is still treated like a Butt-Monkey and No Respect Guy by everyone else in the setting including the Emperor, not so differently from himself Pre-Heresy.
    • While having the High Lords assassinated would probably be going too far, he is absolutely right in pointing out just how idiotic and senile they are. In all honesty, if Magnus did claim control over the Administratum as intended, he probably COULD do a better job at running it than they did.
    • Magnus is totally right that the Emperor should have told at least to Primarchs about Chaos and that not doing this pretty much caused the entire Heresy.
    • He is absolutely right that the Emperor is a terrible parent. By episode 28, Rogal Dorn openly agrees with Magnus' assessment on the Emperor's lousy parenting, to the point of telling him that when his sons return, they'll have a talk about it.
  • Kidnapped by the Call: He's brought into the plot by being literally kidnapped from Sortarius by the Ultramarines.
  • Large and in Charge: He's almost five meters tall and one of the Imperium's legitimate princes. Amusingly, the Emperor mocks Magnus by saying he is one of the smallest Primarchs (although canon has him as the tallest of them, or close to).note 
    • His response is to point out that his height or lack thereof is entirely his choice, and the Emperor knows it.
  • Large Ham: He's prone to go dramatic over rather small things.
  • Like Father, Like Son: He notes a lot of similarities between him and his father and is not very happy about it. Emps himself points it out, "Like fucking father, like fucking son."
  • Lust Object: He's one of these for Custodisi, though he's unaware of it due to being away from Terra for so long.
  • Magic Knight: More "magic" than "knight", both before and after falling to Chaos, but he's a Primarch, after all. His true Daemon Primarch form is a very good example, as he's strong enough to swat Custodes out of the air and can still throw devastating magic around.
  • Manchild: He goes all giddy when gifted a Space Marine Warbike. He also tends to act as a whiny teenager whenever his father bullies him, which is often. In Special 4 he acts like a stubborn little boy when told it's time for him to leave his playmate when Tzeentch tries to pull him back into the immaterium. Tzeentch even threatens to put him into time-out.
  • Manipulative Bastard: He takes advantage of the ill-timed bargain between the Fab Custodes and Kitten and the Emperor's Bad Boss tendencies to draw Kitten away from the Emperor, and convince him to help in his mission to restore the Imperium in a way that he sees fit. All according to the Emperor's plan.
  • Mis-blamed: In-Universe, the Emperor blames Magnus for the failure of the Human Webway project and the Horus Heresy, despite Kitten noting how it was Erebus who corrupted Horus. However, when finally explaining the events of the Heresy, he's fully aware that Magnus was manipulated by Tzeentch and Horus, leading to the destruction of Prospero by the Space Wolves, and when Kitten tries to ask why he blamed Magnus earlier, he ignores the question. Additionally, when Vulkan says that he is not mad at Magnus for "ruining everything forever", Magnus shouts "THAT WAS LORGAR's FAULT!" Lorgar indeed has a bigger share of blame in this case.
  • Mr. Exposition: When it comes to daemonic and Warp-related stuff, he takes the charge.
  • My God, What Have I Done?:
    • He's genuinely horrified when he realizes just how badly Horus and Tzeentch screwed him over during the Horus Heresy.
    • He shows genuine regret when he accidentally kills Vulkan with the Engine of Woes during his pain-induced frenzy, and doesn't even try to defend himself when Corax takes note of this. Luckily, it's Vulkan.
  • Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!: Magnus's well-intentioned attempt to warn the Emperor about Horus's betrayal using psychic projection ended up annihilating the Human Webway Project, leaving the Emperor interred on the Golden Throne to prevent Terra from turning into a Daemon world and necessitating the Imperium's continued use of Warp travel, which is far more dangerous than the alternative.
  • Nice Job Fixing It, Villain!: He and a reluctant Kitten attack and kill the Terran High-Lords to gain authority over their forces. As it turns out, the High-Lords they attacked were all Xenos in disguise while the real High-Lords were stuck in a closet. Upon the release of the High-Lords, not only was Magnus now in the good graces of Decius, but the incident made the High-Lords rethink their positions in the Imperium and work toward serving humanity as a whole over themselves. Nonetheless, Magnus regards this as a personal failure (while the Emperor directly benefits from this).
    • In addition, his attempt to steal the Engine of Woes from Vulkan in order to fix the Imperium, again, for his own ends, ended up releasing two more Primarchs on the galaxy (Corax and Vulkan).
  • Noblewoman's Laugh: He laughs like this in the transport ship to Nocturne because he is technically a nobleman (well, prince) and he is certainly haughty.
  • Noodle Incident: His true daemonic form is something whose existence he's too ashamed to admit. We finally get to see it in Episode 21.
  • "Not Important to This Episode" Camp: In episode 24 he and Kitten show up briefly after the credits only so that the viewers can learn that they've chosen to take a ship to Nocturne (instead of Magnus teleporting them) because Magnus wants to be nostalgic and have some fun.
  • Not So Above It All:
    • When he and Kitten leave for Nocturne, they go via spaceship. When asked why, since he could just teleport and return in an instant, Magnus snaps it's been millennia since he last used an actual ship and wants to enjoy the nostalgia while raiding the minibar, playing games and trolling daemons with his ouija board. Kitten turns out to be okay with it.
    • In the fourth podcast he's the only one willing to defend the book Inquisitor/Draco. He doesn't disagree that it's poorly constructed and consists largely of the author reveling in his various fetishes to the point that whole sections are effectively very niche porn; he's just having so much fun with the ridiculous Purple Prose that he enjoys it anyway. It helps that the actor can't read the quotes without Corpsing.
  • Not So Different: While he doesn't admit, Magnus is a lot like his father. He's arrogant, blind to what a flaw it is, and a Manchild.
  • Oblivious to Love: Or lust. Somehow all of Custodisi's innuendo towards him passed right over his head.
  • Older Than They Look: Ten thousand and counting, yet he's perhaps the most youthful-looking Primarch shown so far, especially when compared to Leman Russ and Rogal Dorn, who are grey-haired and fairly craggy in appearance.
  • Only Sane Man: The only one to think that melee may not be all that great in the world of heavy-ordnance cannons and railguns.
  • Precision F-Strike: The only time he cursed so far was while ranting about Russ.
  • Psychic Powers: One of the most powerful psykers in the galaxy, and the second most powerful human psyker after the Emperor himself.
  • Rage Breaking Point: When Magnus learns about Kitten losing his job as caretaker and decides to go and help, the Emperor mockingly tells him not to break everything again like last time "just as a reminder". Cue an audible *snap* and Magnus starts to plot behind Emperor's back by telling Kitten that Emps doesn't want him back.
    • Happens again in a more explosive manner during the sixth special, wherein the Imperial Palace cast plays a tabletop RPG with Magnus as the DM. After the party keeps going Off the Rails Magnus eventually gets fed up and begs one last time for them to flee from the over-powered boss they've challenged and to just go back to the plot. When they refuse (and start blaming him for bad DM-ing) he snaps and goes into full-on Killer Game Master mode.
  • Really 700 Years Old: Like all of the primarchs, Magnus was born shortly before the Great Crusade and has lived for several thousand years since.
  • Remember When You Blew Up a Sun?: Wearily asks why nobody remembers he punched one of Leman Russ' hearts into oblivion.
  • The Scapegoat: The Emperor wants him to take the blame for the disappearance of Karamazov and his entourage.
  • Shapeshifter Mode Lock: Tzeentch does this to him when he leaves the palace, forcing him into his Demon Primarch form with no ability to shift back. Magnus is terrified of the jokes his father will make about the wings.
  • Token Enemy Minority: While he is now technically aligned with the Emperor once again, he has not come to accept the Emperor's worldview, let alone the Imperium's. He's still a Chaos follower at heart, even though he does not serve the Dark Gods anymore, and when given the chance, he gleefully trolls the other characters.
  • Token Heroic Orc: He's still a Daemon Prince: the only difference is that now his soul belongs to the Emperor and not Tzeentch. Even his human form is monstrous enough to be instantly recognised as daemonic by Karamazov, and after Special 4, he's permanently stuck in his true form.
  • Tranquil Fury: He takes his Rage Breaking Point remarkably well, as he starts to converse with Kitten over plotting against the Emperor.
  • The Unfavorite: Certainly feels like the (most) disrespected son, and given what the Emperor used to say about him, there may be a lot of truth in this.
  • Unstoppable Rage: His fury over the Space Wolves is such that when he hears about them, he turns into an Eldritch Abomination and goes on a rampage.
  • Unwitting Pawn: Part of the reason behind his Heel–Face Turn is his realization that Horus and Tzeentch manipulated the events so that he'd have no choice but to fall.
    • Learns upon his return to the palace that he's once again become a pawn, but this time of the Emperor's grand schemes. Everything he's done up to that point, including trying to spite his father and bring him down a couple pegs has been as the Emperor planned. At least this revelation just annoys him, rather than leading him to despair.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Has shades of this with Kitten. Although Magnus clearly doesn't see Kitten as much of an equal (forgetting his name in episode 22, lying to him about the Emperor wanting him back), the two of them snark at each other a lot even before their secret alliance.
  • "Well Done, Son!" Guy: Whilst he intellectually knows he shouldn't, because he knows the Emperor is an absolute asshole, it's very clear that, emotionally, Magnus is desperate for somebody to love him and approve of what he does. The Emperor repeatedly fails him there, and so did Tzeentch. Indeed, the only non-Abusive Parents he's ever had was his adoptive father from Prospero, whom he refers to as "Pops", and consequently he's shown to deeply miss him.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: Part of his motivations, as of Episode 23, is to do what he thinks is necessary to completely reform the Imperium from the inside out with Kitten helping him. Starting with ordering Kitten to assassinate the High Lords of Terra. Given the nature of this show, the results of his "extremism" are of course played for laughs and have not turned out the way he intended. His plan turns out to be restore the Emperor to his flesh and blood form... Using potentially corrupted Dark Mechanicus technology.
  • Winged Humanoid: Tzeentch forcibly morphs him into his updated Daemon Prince form in Special 4, complete with wings. He soon realizes that he can't turn back, and fears that The Emperor will make chicken puns at his expense. - something that the Emperor indeed does upon his return.
  • You Didn't Ask: He knew that Rogal Dorn was still alive (though not where), but didn't tell the Emperor under the assumption that he knew as well.

    The Centurion/Rogal Dorn 

The Centurion/"Adorable"/Rogal Dorn/"Adornable", Primarch of The Imperial Fists

https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/thesurprisinginterruption11.jpg
And his name is... 

Voiced by: SuperAnchors

The Primarch of the Imperial Fists legion. Initially disguised as a Centurion who helped calm the Emperor's rage after seeing the dreadknight, he revealed himself to prevent the accidental releasing of Magnus the Red's rage at the mention of the Space Wolves. He has since become a steadfast, and for the Emperor, an exasperating and inescapable presence within the Golden Throne's chamber.


  • 24-Hour Armour: Prior to his reveal in episode 20, he was never seen without his Centurion suit of power armor. Even after his true identity is revealed, he still wears the armor, but usually takes off the helmet.
  • Affectionate Nickname: "Adorable"/"Adornable" is refered to as "Dadorable" by Boy, the vox-serf, as the Imperial Fist is the only one who actually tries to watch over him and protect the boy from the bullying of the Fab Custodes.
  • Ambiguous Disorder: His odd speech patterns, sense of humour, intense passion for fortifications, and seeming inability to understand metaphors are reminiscent of Asperger's Syndrome and a few other mental conditions. Some of it may also just be good old fashioned head trauma, since, as Dorn himself admits, trying to scratch your nose in a suit with fists as big as your torso and drills meant to tear through military grade fortifications is a perilous endeavor.
  • An Arm and a Leg: His left hand dropped off from overuse of the Pain Glove, and was turned into the Imperial Fists' most sacred relic. He doesn't want it back now.
  • Badass Mustache: Rogal has a very impressive muttonchop-mustache adorning his fuzzy face.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: He’s one of the comparatively few Primarchs that look out for civilians and other lower-caste members of the Imperium, and rarely seeks out confrontation, even becoming something of an adoptive father figure to a vox-serf called Boy. However, he’s also a Primarch, and he’s not afraid to get tough when he feels it’s needed, responding to some of the more grievous threats to Boy’s life by drawing a gun and threatening to flat-out kill the one responsible (or in the case of Helbrecht, send him to A Fate Worse Than Death), with no signs that he’s joking whatsoever.
  • Berserk Button:
    • One of the few things that upset him (even if only mildly, the fact it upsets him to start with is notable) is apparently smashing perfectly serviceable furniture for the sake of a cheap slapstick gag.
      THAT is something I CAN NOT forgive.
    • He disapproves of the information on the White Scars found in Chapter Approved: Book of the Astronomican during the podcast, condemning it as a terrible and inaccurate record and pointing out how dumb several of the details are, like how the Scars call their apothecaries "medics" and how they keep an entire company that only consists of three squads with no captain or commander (while also plagiarizing the name of the Soul Drinkers, rightfully pointing out the real Soul Drinkers are a successor chapter of the Imperial Fists.)
      • His Rage Breaking Point comes with the idea that any astartes chapter would create space marines out of navigators, deeming it a waste of priceless gene-seed to create space marines that are permanently restricted to a non-combat role aboard starships. He actually criticizes the Emperor for trying to defend the idea, speaking in an uncharacteristically harsh tone of voice, and Whammudes has to quickly break up the confrontation.
    • He is also quite annoyed when to find out how that White Scars, despite belonging to one of the Primarchs who supported Guilliman and apparently being Codex Compliant, are extremely Codex divergent despite the insistence of the various rulebooks, with the books they read seeming to imply that the only thing required to be considered Codex Compliant is to not build a legion, with the rest being just guidelines. Played for laughs in that his main problem seems to be that Guilliman tricked him into writing a review for his book, rather than having to split up his legion.
    • In the Black Templars podcast, it becomes painfully clear how much he outright hates the Black Templars for their Ax-Crazy attitudes, being reminded very unpleasantly of Sigismund, the original Black Templar who betrayed everything Rogal and the Fists as a whole stood for when he abandoned a critical mission due to the words of a Mad Oracle (to the point he outright calls Helbrecht Sigismund at several points, and the chapter itself as Sigismunds). All the more worse considering they're one of his own Space Marine chapters. Though he does soften up towards them a little, or at least to Helbrecht, near the end.
    • He also started the Dorn Heresy over an argument about which day tacos should be consumed on.
    • In his cameo in Majorkill's video about the Imperial Fists, he threatens to punch Majorkill in the face if he makes any further jokes about "Imperial Fisting".
  • Big "NO!": Has a big one when the Boy learned of the word "pussy" (although he pronounced it "gussy"). He has a smaller one (but still much more emotive than his usual "no") when the Boy said he can stay alive for a week drinking his own blood.
    • His first word in the series is this in fact, when the Emperor asks about the Space Wolves.
  • Blunt Metaphors Trauma: When he attempts to use metaphor to describe the Emperor as The Chessmaster, his analogy is so basic and amateur that it elicits groans from those present, especially since he's especially worried he's being too esoteric to be followed.
    The Emperor: Wow. Baby's first metaphor.
  • Blunt "Yes": Blunt "No"s, too, both are a specialty of his. He's simply too straightforward to even ponder a question or consider giving a different answer.
  • The Bore: Roleplay Adventures quickly proves that Rogal is far too invested in the "building" part of "Worldbuilding", forcing the Emperor to take the role of Dungeon Master away from him.
  • Brutal Honesty: Just like the Emperor remembers, he doesn't hold back when it comes to telling the truth, even if it's both ill-timed and terribly insulting to the Emperor. He's similarly blunt and direct about positive things, like how much he loves him.
  • Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Despite being more than a little off in the head, he's still a primarch. He fought off Abbadon's first Black Crusade about eight thousand years ago, and when Magnus went into true form rage mode he threw up a fortified mini-bunker out of psyker-resistant metal in about a minute.
  • Calling the Old Man Out: Develops into this fully by episode twenty-eight, decrying the Emperor's atrocious parenting skills when the latter once more uses his manipulation skills simply to get Magnus out of his hair.
  • Catch Phrase: "No". Keep in mind that the same soundclip is used nearly every time for this line.
  • Chekhov's Gunman: Appears in the first few episodes with no speaking roles, reappears in the second questions video entirely to calm down the Emperor (again, without speaking), and THEN appears in the season 2 finally, this time finally speaking up to reveal he is actually Rogal Dorn.
  • The Comically Serious: His straight-faced demeanor, utter ignorance of metaphors and sarcasm, and general refusal to consider anything but the base truth paints him as this in this particular interpretation of the WH40K universe. And then there's his job as the Emperor's teddy bear to calm him down and prevent enormous warp storms, which he takes very, very seriously (seemingly without realizing the Emperor fired him from this job once he found out).
    The Emperor: Damn it, Rogal, I know. Stop being as sensible as a piece of wood, you fistless sack of sassy sauce.
    Rogal: There is no such sauce product...
  • Cooldown Hug: Giving the Emperor those is his primary job. However, upon the grand reveal of his true identity, The Emperor would like to have him as far away as possible.
  • Creative Sterility: Any tactic beyond building or smashing down walls requires him to use the Pain Glove to come up with a solution, as the agonizing torture will at least give him alternate ideas.
  • Crippling Overspecialization: His general response to a threat is to immediately resort to siege tactics, both offensively and defensively. He has trouble with doing anything outside of smashing or building fortifications. Coming up with anything more creative has him relying on the Magic Pain Glove to give him a solution, and even accepting a shift like adapting the Codex Astartes required him to spend seven days in agonizing torture.
  • The Cuckoolander Was Right:
    • He's certainly a bit strange but he was VERY right in trying to keep the Emperor and Kitten from mentioning and praising the Space Wolves around Magnus.
    • He's also right about it being possible to end Chaos: as powerful as it is, Chaos still needs the thoughts and emotions of living things to sustain itself, so if all life in the galaxy were to suddenly die, Chaos would cease to exist.
  • Cuteness Proximity: Is so cute that he can calm the Emperor down from shitting Warp Storms. That is until he reveals his true identity as Rogal Dorn, after which the Emperor cancels their nightly cuddle sessions.
  • Deadpan Snarker: For someone whose entire character up until this point revolves around Literal-Mindedness and Brutal Honesty to the extreme, he drops some excellent quips in Episode 23. In Episode 25, the Emperor expresses his hate for his constant sass-blasting.
  • Death by a Thousand Cuts: His constant overuse of the pain gauntlet caused his hand to fall off.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: He opens up his story of what happened with the Imperial Fists after the Horus Heresy with "Once upon a time, I was me."
  • Dramatic Unmask: Does this at the end of season 2, taking off his helmet and revealing his true identity.
  • Everyone Has Standards: He doesn't like the Black Templars, even though they are a Successor chapter to the Imperial Fists, as they are a bunch of absolute lunatics, hence they don't have the word "Fists" in their name.
  • Fluffy the Terrible: His Wall Name is "Adorable," which doesn't quite impose the gravitas of one of the most powerful beings in the entire Imperium who is also running around in a massive suit of siege power armor.
  • Foreshadowing: His interest in Q&A session and him being of Imperial Fists are the only clues you'll get that he's none other than Rogal Dorn. He also tries to stop them from discussing the Space Wolves, which slams Magnus' Berserk Button, triggers a rampage of his true form, indirectly puts the Fab Custodes as the Emperor's caretakers, and sends Kitten straight into Magnus' web.
  • Freudian Slip: Refers to Helbrecht as Sigismund several times during the voxcast. However, it may be a case of Insistent Terminology, as at least one of his lines has him refer to the Black Templars as a whole as "Sigismunds".
  • Generation Xerox: As heard in Podcast 3, his admittedly rare Big "NO!" is identical to his father's in His prime.
  • Gentle Giant: He might be clothed in one of most powerful suits of armour of the Imperium, but his job is essentially Emperor's teddy bear. In the podcasts, he also acts as a parental figure to the vox-serf Boy, and defends him from the others' abuse.
  • Given Name Reveal: Enough to be a season-end Wham Line and Cliffhanger.
  • Gosh Darn It to Heck!: He finds the Emperor having to use this kind of language to get around censors during the podcast intensely amusing, to the point where he can barely contain a giggle when the former uses "fudge" as a curse.
  • Hidden Depths: His literal-mindedness and focus on siege tactics and Creative Sterility belie the fact that he is way, way wiser than he looks. He sees right through the Emperor's deceptions, has extensive knowledge of the modern day Imperium's workings, and quite a bit of his frustrating focus on literal meanings seems to be intentional misunderstanding to annoy others. He also disagrees with his father about true taco day, even to the point of lying to him and has no illusions about his jerkassery.
  • Hidden in Plain Sight: What's the best place for a prince of the Imperium to hide? Among the Palace staff, of course! Though it probably helps that he'd been presumed dead for thousands of years, and wears 24-Hour Armour.
  • Incredibly Lame Fun: Rogal's definition of a bedtime story is a compilation called Ten Books on Architecture.
  • Interface Spoiler: Averted. When he talks, his text isn't given his trademark gold color until he reveals himself.
  • Late-Arrival Spoiler: At the time of writing, it has been known that the Centurion is Rogal for nearly three years, and he has featured in multiple thumbnails, and is a big part of the podcasts.
  • Leitmotif: That Centurion..., which first played during the flashback in episode 24.
  • Literal-Minded: He seems to take everything said to him at face value, whether it's an insult or something even slightly metaphorical.
    The Emperor: "The only Rogal-related thoughts I have been having is how nice it would be if he could build some kind of wall barring all the stupid shit that is going on in the galaxy from entering my comfort zone."
    Rogal Dorn "Fecal matter does not have mental capacity. You do not require fortifications against it."
    • There are some indications that his literal-mindedness is at least partially an act to infuriate and confuse everyone around him. In the first podcast, the Custodes call him out on a few of these where he obviously went out of his way to misunderstand for the sake of a joke. Elsewhere, he implies that he does understand metaphorical and proverbial concepts, so it's not clear which of his misunderstandings are real and which ones are him screwing with everyone. Reality is, after all, the biggest joke to him.
      • That said, he did take the Emperor's demand that he go play in traffic at face value - though he was intent on bringing along a cement mixer and reinforcing the freeway, as is his wont.
  • Literalist Snarking: While it is unclear just how much of his Literal Mindedness is genuine, what is clear is that he is making great use of it to deliver some vicious snipes at his father.
  • Little "No": His default, and incredible blunt, response. He changes it up a little in Episode 28, where he says "Nope" instead.
    Emperor: That one's new.
  • Manchild: He wants a bike because he wants to go fast like Magnus. His reaction when he gets his wish? "Yey. Bike."
  • Noodle Implements: We may never see his tree fort, but given that he's a Primarch, proclaims to be the best tree fort maker in the galaxy and demands twelve thousand laborers for the project, it must be the stuff of legends.
  • Not So Above It All: When he learns that Magnus was gifted a bike by the Emperor, Rogal asks if he can have one, too.
  • Not So Stoic:
    • When in first Podcast the Emperor has to use silly substitutes for curse words like "fudge" to bypass the censor in vox-hailer, Rogal can't help but snicker at this.
    • By the third Podcast (The Black Templars, Dorn's Angry Boys) Adornable is brought to seething anger at the Emperor and calls him out on all of his bullshit for both this Podcast and the last one, where the Emperor did nothing to defend himself against his opponent and refused anything else because "[he's] the Emperor and [he's] always right". The suggestion of bringing the Chapter Master of the Black Templars to discuss their chapter is enough to leave him stuttering speechless.
    Rogal: No. NO! That is the— that- that is an awful idea.
    • On a lighter note, he sounds on the verge of Tears of Joy upon learning his brother Leman Russ is still alive. He's also visibly excited when he learns Vulkan and Corvus have also returned.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: More like obfuscating literal mindedness. It's implied sometimes that he does understand metaphors and pretends to be narrow-minded for the sake of joke.
  • Papa Wolf: His stoic manner usually devolves into Tranquil Fury when someone picks on or tries to hurt Boy.
    • In the 3rd podcast episode he pulls a shotgun on Wammudes and says he's willing to risk installing a window in the imperial palace to throw his body out of it when Wammudes makes a veiled threat to Boy. Wammudes is actually cowed by the threat. Karstodes however is unphased as he thinks himself too well oiled to be grabbed by the Primarch.
  • Pardon My Klingon: In the RPG episode he insists on having his "Squat in not-space" character drop random Khazalid words (mostly mild profanities) into almost every line.
  • Parental Substitute: Acts as one to Boy during podcasts, being the only one who is supportive, or defends the boy from Karstodes' abuse. Boy in turns calls him "Dadorable".
  • Pet the Dog: In the If the Emperor had a Podcast sub-series he's usually the one to stick up for Boy, the vox-serf, whenever the Fab Custodes start bullying him. He even walks with Boy into the Sanctum Imperialis...well, tries to as he's a hulking superhuman in power armor that makes others look wimpy and Boy is a malnourished and pasty kid of indeterminate age carrying a heavy vox-caster (in the shape of a large and very ornamental microphone). He cheers Boy on telling him he can do it despite the fact that Boy is clearly struggling. He also tells Whamuudes to pipe down when he bad mouths the unwashed masses of the Imperium, stating they deserve the barest respect for fulling their purpose for the Imperium. Boy refers to him as "Dadorable" partially out of this (and partially due to him being uneducated).
  • Priceless Paperweight: Mentions using Storm's Teeth (his personal chainsword) to scratch his nose.
  • The Quiet One: He doesn't speak at all until the time comes for him to reveal his face.
  • Really 700 Years Old: Ten thousand, at least, but doesn't look nearly that old.
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: Dorn hates the Codex Astartes with a passion and resented Guilliman for trying to force it on all the loyalist space marine chapters. In the end, however, he agreed to accept it and follow its doctrines despite his disgust: In the immediate aftermath of the Emperor's mortal wounding at Horus's hands, Dorn realized that the Imperium absolutely could not afford any in-fighting.
  • The Reveal: He's actually Rogal Dorn.
  • Ridiculously Fast Construction: He is able to assemble a massive wall of psyker-resistant metal in a matter of minutes with no forewarning. Being an Imperial Fist, of course, this is only natural.
  • Sarcasm-Blind: Part-and-parcel with being The Comically Serious.
  • Serious Business: from the podcast, during the closing Q&A session, he intensely disagrees with the Emperor on the correct day to eat tacos, claiming that Tuesday is the best day for its Added Alliterative Appeal and hope-bringing qualities, while the Emperor wants them eaten on Friday where neither of those are true. His love of Taco Tuesday is so great that he even reveals that he'd tricked the Emperor into eating turkey tacos on the day Rogal had rejoined the Imperium, which was a Tuesday. The Emperor is horrified by this betrayal, and shocked by the fact that Rogal had actually lied about something.
  • Shotguns Are Just Better: Dorn threatens Custodians three times with a shotgun during the Emperor's podcast. It's spelled "shutgon" for some reason.
  • Stating the Simple Solution: In episode 24 he points out that his unmatched knowledge of the palace means he could personally resolve the current problem the Emperor is acting concerned about immediately. The Emperor tries to use emotional manipulation on him like he does everyone else, only for Rogal to call his excuse out as a lie. The Emperor ends up directly asking him to "just let daddy pull his strings, okay?"
  • The Stoic: When talking about how enraged he was, Rogal sports the same blank expression he wears whenever not using the Magic Pain Glove. Hell, the only time he even emotes is when his hand falls off when he used the Glove a little too much and seeing how he never does, this seems pretty major.
    Your services are no longer required.
  • Suddenly Voiced: Doesn't say a word until the end of episode 20, when he suddenly yells at Kitten to stop discussing the Space Wolves.
  • That Makes Me Feel Angry: How he generally voices his emotions.
    I am slightly INFURIATED.
  • Too Dumb to Fool: Though dumb may not quite be the right word, his oddities make him see right through the Emperor's usual manipulative tactics, so the Emperor has to outright ask him to just let him pull his strings.
    Stop reading my actions like I am some sort of spooky pop-up book.
  • Trademark Favorite Food: Lemons, enough that he actually takes an entire plate full of them when invited to an RPG session, and washes them down with a tall bottle of lemon juice.
  • Tranquil Fury:
    • In his flashbacks, he mentions being completely consumed by rage after the Heresy ended. Of course, the artwork for his face doesn't change at all.
    • We witness some of this during the third Podcast, as his rage slowly builds after both an argument with the Emperor and having to put up with the worst of his estranged sons the Black Templars all at once. Emps even refers to it as a cold abyss of rage that could well devour the aforementioned Black Templar whole.
    • When Boy is threatened by some of the Custodes, his demeanour changes without missing a beat from his usual Literal-Minded snarking to a palpable, ice-cold wrath that makes it crystal clear to them that if they were to even try and carry out such a threat, they wouldn’t be leaving the room alive.
  • Troll: The first podcast has several instances where the Custodes call him out on being intentionally obfuscating about literal meanings. He's apparently been doing this for a while just to annoy everyone.
  • Undercover Cop Reveal: More like Undercover Primarch.
  • The Voiceless: As the Centurion, he has no lines, and generally just drops in to comfort the emperor. He speaks after The Reveal, so presumably he was doing this to prevent the Emperor from recognizing his voice.
  • When All You Have Is a Hammer...:
    • His response to all threats is to set up fortifications and improving infrastructure. He also criticizes the Custodes for not setting up fortifications to deal with Magnus.
    • He consulted the Magic Pain Glove to find the solution to all of his problems, at least until overuse of the Pain Glove caused his hand to fall off.

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The Custodes

    In General 

The Custodes, The Guardians of The Emperor

The Emperor's personal bodyguards, some of the greatest and best-equipped warriors in the galaxy. However, their grief at their master's internment on the Golden Throne and the centuries of isolation have left them somewhat... peculiar, to say the least.
  • Ambiguous Gender: One of the Shadowkeepers has a very feminine voice, compared with the generally much more masculine voices of the other Custodes. This is a reference to the fact that while there are no female Space Marines (as the nature of their modifications precludes females from their ranks), the same has never truly been confirmed for the Custodes, who are far more advanced creations compared with the Astartes, and not mass-produced from cloned gene-seed.
  • Flanderization: Inverted. The Custodes started off as one-dimensional Macho Camp Pillar Men expies, and were mostly used for jokes. However, later episodes introduced other Custodes characters that, while still effete, had more reserved personalities (and had clothes on), while the personalities of the original ones were explored in greater depth. In terms of appearance at least, this is a case of Real Life Writes the Plot, as during the show Games Workshop actually developed the Adeptus Custodes into a full-fledged tabletop army (which was no longer half-naked).
  • Pet the Dog: In Episode 28 when Kitten thanks that the other members of Shield-Host Proteus had to jump in to help him in his negotiations with the Fabricator-General, he regrets that they had to do it at all, as he doesn't feel he measures up to Constantin Valdor. His Shield-Host tells him that his niceness, steadfastness, loyalty, and "ability to care" is exactly why they elected him in the first place, since they agreed they don't need a warmaster, they need a "daddy." This petting is so effective that Karstodes, watching back in the Imperial Palace, immediately starts trying to repent for mistreating Kitten and resigns as Caretaker.
  • Please Put Some Clothes On: Zigzagged, Episode 27 reveals that most of the younger Custodes actually wear their armour, it's just that the Companions took their master's enthronement a bit hard. They younger ones are still willing to strip if asked, and Lockwarden considers wearing "slick, black, gold-trimmed Allarus Terminator Armor" to be just as erogenous as being naked.

    The Fabulous Custodes 

The Fabulous Custodes

Voiced by: Haven Kendrick (Karstodes), Captain Princess (Custodisi), Alfabusa (Whamuudes), Antfish (Diavodes)
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The fabulous custodes are the ones we see the most often - in particular a trio called Karstodes, Custodisi and Whammudesnote , nicknamed "Fabulous Custodes" after their introductory episode. Then there's Santodes, who, after being briefly mentioned in Episode 12.5, is revealed to have been interred into a dreadnought.. and that did absolutely nothing to calm his fabulousness.
  • A Date with Rosie Palms: Dates of this nature are indulged but "Only on Thursdays". Kitten is distinguished from them by not partaking.
  • All There in the Manual: The names of the three Fab Custodes are only found in video descriptions and the end credits, though later videos show their names as part of the subtitles.
  • Ax-Crazy: While Custodisi feels bombing Terra is an effective method of squashing rebellion, Whamuudes takes outright joy in it and would really like to "kill all the normals." When called out on this, his only defence is "Don't kinkshame me!"
    • It should be noted that the one and only time so far that Whammudes has had his heart warmed by something Boy has done is hearing the young Vox-Serf express murderous bloodlust towards the protagonist of an absolutely awful piece of literature.
  • Beware the Silly Ones: Karamazov sees them as a bunch of exhibitionist idiots, but they prove to be more than even his throne can take, and not in the way you may think. They're also able to fend off Magnus in his true Daemon Primarch form for a short time, at least until Kitten can summon Kaldor Draigo.
    • This is justified with the revelation that they are in fact Tribunes and Shield Captains (the deadliest among the Custodes hilariously enough).
  • Catchphrase: Karstodes always refers/addresses the Emperor as "Our Glorious Overlord" while Custodisi says "mmyes/yes" a lot when talking to the Emperor.
  • Divergent Character Evolution: They started out as being, essentially, The Trividual, but over time, and especially after stumbling into the Black Library and partaking in the podcasts, have grown to be separate characters.
  • Double Entendre: Their lines are filled up to brim with it.
    • Though Whammudes, in particular, seems to skip the subtext and go straight to single entendres and is far more obvious about his... hobbies
    "Ready to be opened up like a tube of lotion on Emperor's day!"
    • Though by episode 28, Whammudes admits that by this point, he's almost doing out of spite.
  • Dumbass Has a Point: The Emperor complains about the Custodes general lack of knowledge of the Imperium, but Custodisi, whom he voices this to, points out that that sort of knowledge isn't actually in their job description. This actually seems to stick since the Emperor asks if they know who Asdrubael Vect is in Episode 26, he accepts that he's not someone they would ever have even heard off given their positions.
  • Even the Guys Want Him: The only people not to be aroused by Fab Custodes are the Emperor, Karamazov and Kitten. Even the lobotomized, neurosynched mechanized warriors of the Skitarri loose their oil at the sight of Santodes.
  • Everyone Has Standards: As Macho Camp as they are, even they are disgusted by just how depraved the Slaanesh forces are. And as unprofessional and self-absorbed as they are, they are still none too pleased by the Inquisitors they find harassing Terra's citizens.
    • Custodisi and Whammudes openly call out the Emperor for his asinine actions during the events of The Last Church.
    • Karstodes may be the most unpleasant of the trio, having a dim view of normal humans, but even he takes umbrage with Whammudes' constant desire to orbitally bombard innocent civilians.
    • Karstodes was hesitant to let Helbecht hurt Boy after the latter gave him a heartfelt compliment. Keep in mind that the compliment flustered Karstodes and he wasn't sure how to react to it and started making his insults towards Boy in a half-hearted manner.
    • Whammudes can't bring himself to be his usual self during the Vox-Cast review of Inquisitor, instead letting his voice positively ooze with disgusted contempt for its author and a general sentiment of "I wish I weren't here right now".
  • Exposed to the Elements: When rendezvousing with Ultramarines on some ice world, they wear the same next-to-nothing they do in the Imperial Palace, and seem only marginally bothered with cold. Justified, as they're super-soldiers.
  • Four-Star Badass: Part of the job description as Tribunes, although it has been a while since they commanded anything in all likelihood.
  • Freudian Excuse: The reason they treat Kitten so terribly is revealed by Whaamudes in a Vox-log to be because they served under Trajann Valoris, with whom they respected and were strong supporters of. In this time-line, Trajann was not elected to the position of Captain General causing them to resent Kitten and view him (for a time) as unworthy of the Captain-General Position.
  • Go Mad from the Isolation: It's implied that part of the reason for their insanity is their prolonged isolation in the Imperial Palace, along with grief over the mortal wounding of the Emperor and the lack of anything to fight in the Palace.
  • Infectious Insanity: While they are already insane, they also feed off each other as seen in the Black Templar podcast. Once one of them starts to lose it, they all do.
  • It's All About Me: They cared more about an opportunity to take the position of Caretaker from Kitten than potentially the deaths of everyone in the Palace, themselves included during Magnus' rampage.
  • Large Ham: All of them but special mention goes to Santodes. Not even death could calm the Dreadnought's spirit.
    Kitten: I hadn't realized you were awake, Santodes.
    Santodes: MY MASTER AWAKENED MEEEEEE!!!
  • Leitmotif: "Awaken" from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, and later a remix of it titled "Awaken My Quivering Abs".
  • Macho Camp: They're ridiculously well-muscled, walk around almost-naked all the times, and drop very, very transparent clues at being more than a little interested in each other. This extends to all of the Custodes, with even the younger generations still dropping entendres left and right and are just as homoerotic as their predecessors, even if they remain fully-clothed.
    • Weaponized by Santodes in Episode 28, when the Skitarii guards of the Fabricator-General refused to allow them in. He shows off his dreadnought form to them and manages to arouse them enough that they let Shield-Host Proteus into the temple.
  • Madden Into Misanthropy: All of them to some extent despise normal humans. Custodisi and Karstodes take turns defending or hating on them while Whammudes has the lowest regard for them. He often expresses disinterest and lack of empathy for people subjected to mass sterilizations and orbital bombardments. In fact, Whammudes goes insane in the Black Templar podcast and declares that they should kill all the "normals" and even asks the Emperor to make him an Inquisitor so that he can use cyclonic torpedoes on the people. Despite this, when the Inquisition attacks Terra, they are all willing to jump in and protect the people.
  • Mildly Military: They're supposed to be an army of super-soldiers, but they don't even know who their commanding officer is - and don't really care, either. Not to mention their uniform standards. It also turns out that they're Tribunes, the elite-of-the-elite among the custodians. Of the three, Karstodes is the only one identified with a rank; specifically, shield-captain. Other branches of the Custodes are shown to be more professional... although this is of varying degree. The Lockwarden is a perfect example- he's more professional about his job, speaks calmly, and respects the chain of command... but he's not above saying that he thinks his armor is sexy and pokes fun at Kitten for his relationship with Shadowsun.
  • Mr. Exposition: With Kitten currently off doing his own thing with Magnus, Karstodes seems to have taken over this role as of Episode 23 in talking about the Space Wolves. Though the only reason why he was able to serve this role is because he threatened the information out of Kitten. In Episode 24 Custodisi has some information about Jaghatai Khan's actions during the battle of Terra and where he ran off to, but knows nothing about the White Scars' present state and can't find Kitten to torture.
    • In the podcasts, Wammudes is usually the one who reads from the books acquired from the Black Library, while the others discuss his quotations.
  • OOC Is Serious Business: Custodisi and Whammudes are so traumatized by their meeting with Cegorach in the Webway that they lose their ridiculous flamboyance and act relatively normal. This continues into the podcast about the White Scars, where Custodisi, in particular, ends up taking on the role of The Straight Man against the Emperor and Rogal Dorn's more wackier antics.
  • Older Than They Look: Looking at the Custodes physiques, it's easy to forget that they were active combatants before the Horus Heresy. This would put every single Custodes around the tune of over 10,000 years old. The only reason this makes sense is that they're genetically engineered super-soldiers specifically made to last a really long time.
  • Perpetually Shiny Bodies: Their abs are constantly oiled. The Emperor threatens to throw a match at them one day, and Horus does that in April Fool's episode, setting them on fire.
  • Pet the Dog:
    • Custodisi takes the time to comfort Whammudes when they're being menaced by Cegorach outside the Black Library and Whammudes is terrified to tears of the Laughing God, even though he's quite clearly barely keeping it together himself.
    • They also manage to pull a minor Big Damn Heroes moment when they rescue a Terran citizen from a group of Inquisitors.
    • Karstodes begins to treat Boy better after the kid gives him a compliment. He still insults him but in a more half-hearted manner. During "A Day In The Life of Boy," he even saves Boy's life, rescuing him from a the Vox-hailer Proprietus and promising to allow Boy to live in the Golden Palace.
    • In Episode 27, while Dorn is talking about the War of the Beast to the Emperor, Karstodes takes the time to complement one of the Imperial Fists who led the defence of the Imperium against the Beast, Slaughter, even going so far to sing a miniature theme song about him. Particular noteworthy in comparison to his withering contempt of the Black Templars, some of Dorn's OTHER sons.
  • Please Put Some Clothes On: The Emperor asks them about this every time he sees them. They pretend not to hear him.
  • Professional Butt-Kisser: Technically, they should all be. In practice, Karstodes is the biggest one in this regard as can be observed during the Last Church podcast; he agrees with the Emperor on every last thing and snaps at anyone that dares offend him, to the point of defenestrating a techpriest that called the Emperor an asshole.
    • The other Custodes subvert this to varying degrees, particularly after their encounter with Chegorach. Whammudes at the very least acknowledge that the Emperor was an asshole during the events of the Last Church, and Custodisi thoroughly subverts the trope by openly calling the Emperor out on his actions and even playing Devil's Advocate on behalf of Uriah before the Emperor calls him from the Warp. Arguably, Custodisi is even less sycophantic than Kitten himself at this point.
  • Puzzlement About Payment: During the Q&A segment in the second episode of If the Emperor Had a Podcast sub-series, Karstodes is shown to not know what "pay" and "money" mean, believing them to be made-up words. That neither of his fellow Fabulous Custodes bother to say anything or even snicker in response strongly implies that this is true of them both as well, and possibly even the rest of the Custodian Guard.
  • Sanity Slippage: During the Emperor's crusade, they were his companions and finest warriors armed with the greatest armour and weapons the Imperium could muster. By the time the Emperor can start talking again, however, they've degraded to a bunch of barely dressed hedonists who spend all day just goofing off around the imperial palace and oiling their very muscular bodies. They also have periods of extremely manic behaviour which may have been on going for a while. Who knows what their original personalities were, but they are certainly different now. Also, it's possible that the Emperor regaining the ability to talk may occasionally make them worse since they, like Kitten and the rest of Imperium, fell into worship of their Lord. Now they are faced with a broken man that no longer resembles the man they remember (both due to them misremembering who he was and what his goals were and because the Emperor's mind is so fractured as to be unrecognizable). Custodisi has it the worst having been considered the "boring and mundane" one of the three. By the time the Black Templar podcast rolls around he is so frustrated with the Emperor's hypocrisy and inability to own up to it that he starts screaming how he has to guard "a screaming corpse on a Throne". Mind you, the term "corpse" is often used by traitors, heretics, and xenos to refer to the Emperor and is considered a grievous insult.
  • Shout-Out: Their names are based on three of the Pillar Men from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, and even their sprites are just Custodes heads from WH40K artwork that was photoshopped onto the three namesake Pillar Men's bodies. In one of the Q&A videos, Kitten implies the Custodes associated with the last Pillar Man (Santodes) was the Custodes who, unable to withstand a mere mortal upstaging him by standing between the Emperor and Horus in the Vengeful Spirit, almost killed himself unnecessarily by throwing himself at Horus shortly after (a later episode showed he survived the encounter, but was mortally wounded and is now stuck in Fabulous Custodes Pattern Dreadnought Armor). A fifth Custodes (Diavodes), this one based on the villain Diavolo of the same manga, loiters around the Imperial Palace.
  • Smug Super: In the If the Emperor had a Podcast sub-series the Fab Custodes make it clear that they think that the citizens of the Imperium are far, far below them and Karstodes refers to Boy, the vox-serf, as "it" and finds him obnoxious. Whammudes and Custodisi talk about modifying Boy as if he were a tool rather than a person.
    • There is a limit, at least with Karstodes, who opposes bombarding Terran citizens from orbit as it's not "arguing hard opinions" about turning to Chaos.
    • Their attitude about modifying Boy like a tool recieves some clarification in Whammudes' vox-logs, as the Tribune admits he thinks of himself as nothing more than a tool of the Emperor's will. Unfortunately, he simply extends that attitude to most other Imperial servants as well.
  • Stripperiffic: They are Walking Shirtless Scenes who wear nought but loincloths, helmets and some accessories, in contrast to Kitten's perpetual full-body armour. They also flatly refuse to wear any proper clothing, even when the Emperor himself commands it.
  • Testosterone Poisoning: Their muscles have muscles and this is played for as many laughs as possible. Santodes takes this to a full parody, with his Dreadnought being a shirtless, musclebound, long-haired hyper-masculine hunk.
  • The Knights Who Say "Squee!": Wamuudes and Karstodes go full-on fanboy mode when they see Santodes attempting to convince the Skitarii on Mars.
    Karstodes and Wamuudes: IT’S OUR BOYYY!!!
  • Warts and All: Custodisi and Whammudes both acknowledge their ultimate loyalty to their lord, but after reading The Last Church, they have little illusions about him and outright call him an asshole.
  • What the Hell, Hero?: The Emperor calls them out on sitting in the Palace and procrastinating while the Imperium dies around them, and promptly kicks them out to do something useful.
    • In the podcasts, they end up taking this stance against the Emperor after they hear about The Last Church and other infamously hypocritical events in the Imperium's early history, which isn't helped by the Emperor's refusal to admit his shortcomings. In The Black Templars, Dorn's Angry Boys, Custodisi seems to take particular umbrage with the Council of Nikea and launches into a tirade about it.

Karstodes

  • Big Damn Heroes: Boy's superior is about to have Boy and everyone he's ever met executed for telling some fanciful tale of being the Emperor's personal vox-servant, when Karstodes busts through the wall and demands to know why Boy isn't attending his duties, thus validating his story. The underling who sonic blasted Boy slinks away and realizes he's now a traitor, while the superior dies from a powerful shin kick Boy had delivered while writhing on the floor from the sonic blast. Karstodes then takes Boy to have his ears and brain fixed, and assures him that his family will be fine.
  • Book Dumb: Out of the trio Karstodes is the only one who can't read, something Whamuudes and Custodisi give him grief over and Karstodes tries to compensate for.
    • As of the third Podcast, he seems to have started to overcome this by learning to read. If only he could read the right book.
  • Borrowed Catchphrase: In the third podcast Episode 2: The Black Templars, Dorn's Angry Boys Karstodes makes "[boy noises]" when the Emperor allows everyone to point and laugh at him for not knowing how to read.
  • Heel Realization: He has one in episode 28, when he sees the how the rest of the Adeptus Custodes as a whole actually really like Little Kitten because of the later's mild mannered, paternalistic attitudes. He resigns from his position as caretaker and admits he's been a jerk to his Captain General, who actually is a caretaker, not just of the Emperor but also if his actual troops.
  • Hidden Depths: The man's a bully, but he is also the most insecure of the Companions. He is embarrassed that he can't read and is definitely the most sensitive of them despite being the most smug. It's clear he has an Inferiority Superiority Complex of some sort. There is certainly a subconscious reason Boy annoys him so much as he projects himself onto Boy quite a lot. For example, calling Boy "a hater".
  • Hypocrite: After spending the third podcast constantly making nasty passive-aggressive remarks about the Black Templars to get a rise out of Rogal, he gets upset and calls out Custodisi for being a Servile Snarker himself.
    • Played for laughs in in episode 28. He makes a statement so hypocritical that his double-standards manifest as a warp entity, which dies immediately due to his oncoming Heel Realization.
  • Hypocritical Humor: Karstodes claims to be utterly disgusted by the daemons of Slaanesh. This coming from a guy who never wears any armour on and all but oozes Camp Gay tendencies. The Emperor doesn't even bother to humour the trope.
  • Jerkass: He is a complete asshole towards the Boy for no good reason. He also takes every opportunity to rib on Rogal Dorn for the behaviour of the Black Templars. Though this is balanced by the fact that he does NOT tolerate genocidal tendencies towards regular humans, unlike Whammudes.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Definitely the meanest of the Companions, but the thing is that he isn't as apathetic to normal humans as the other two. While he treats boy like crap, he at least cares about boy's existence more than the other two. While the other two treat boy better and praise him, Karstodes is more aware of boy's presence at any given time. The reason why this matters is because he's the only Custodes who actually cares that Custodisi and Whammudes ordered the bombardment of Terran citizens. The other two are apathic of normal humans' existences and only really acknowledge them if they are of use to them. They don't care about the deaths of those they see as "disloyal" even if they are protesting over genuine grievances. Karstodes, while unreasonable about boy, is disgusted by the casual murder of Imperial citizens and challenges the other two to at least cull them with their halberds so that they get a better understanding about who and how many they are murdering (like how the Black Templar kill people) instead of the impersonal murders they were committing.
    • After Boy gives him a complement, he is so taken aback that he has to ask if Boy is talking about him. When Helbrect threatens Boy moments later, Karstodes awkwardly tries to talk him down before Dorn steps in. Despite his bullying, he doesn't want Boy dead; he just doesn't want to hear him complain (given that the Custodes can snap their bones at will without reacting to the pain may explain his lack of sympathy when Boy complains about his eye being poked out). Keep in mind that Karstodes was the only Custodes to even attempt to protect Boy from Helbrect.
    • When he finds out that Boy's superior has been abusing him and was about to murder him for "lying" about being the Emperor's chosen vox-hailer, he demands to know who the man thinks he is to abuse the Emperor's favored servant. He very well would have killed the man for it if he hadn't bled out a moment later (though he tries to take partial credit by claiming his fabulous form caused the man to bleed out faster). He then decides on his own that Boy needs to live with the Custodians in the Sanctum from now on, assures Boy that his family will be safe and compensated for his service to the Throne, and even praises him for how he handled his superior.
  • Know-Nothing Know-It-All: Karstodes acts like a smug asshole, taking credit and "calling it" on topics he knows nothing about such as the White Scars or what the topic of the Podcast will be and rubs it into Adornable's face.
  • Laser-Guided Karma: At one point mocks Boy for not knowing who the Ultramarines are, telling everyone to "Point at him in laugh." When Karstodes lets out that he can't read, the Emperor uses that a reason to get everyone to "Point at him and laugh."
  • Manchild: Karstodes acts more like a snotty boy and a bully, picking on Boy for absolutely no reason other than he can and likes pushing Adornable's buttons to see what he can get away with. Nobody likes him for it but they all have to put up with it.

Custodisi

  • Abhorrent Admirer: He has made several passes towards Magnus (thought the latter has not been around to become aware of this). The Emperor however is, and responds by first slapping him around, then literally slapping him with a restraining order, threatening to dangle his lower regions in front of Skarbrand, and finally banishing him from the Warhammer 40k universe.
  • An Arm and a Leg: Loses his arm to Sir Wamri le Savoureux, after a phenomenal succession of damage rolls by Whamuudes. Fitting, considering the fate of his namesake from Jojo. Custodisi doesn't take it well, lamenting that he won't be able to properly caress Magnus' body.
  • Artificial Limb: He's shown to have gotten what appears to be a cybernetic arm to replace that one that got hacked off in the Fantasy world.
  • Badass Mustache: Custodisi claims to have a magnificent one underneath his helmet.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Surprisingly, after his personality is "normalized" by his traumatic encounter with Cegorach, Custodisi starts developing these tendencies every so often in the White Scars podcast.
  • False Friend: Downplayed. Whilst the fact he does it even when Magnus around suggests that Custodisi has come to genuinely sympathize with Magnus's viewpoints, it's also quite obvious that Custodisi's tendency to take Magnus' side on matters stems in large part from his hopes that doing so will enable him to get Magnus to have sex with him.
  • The Generic Guy: The Emperor considers Custodisi "the unnotable middleman" who leaves only a fraction of the impression of the other two and overall the least conspicuous. This is probably the reason why the Emperor gets along with or at least tolerates his presence more than the other two. This becomes a case of disrespect when the trio are revealed to be Tribunes (the second-in-commands to the Captain-General.
    Custodisi: "Yes, I'm pretty mundane aren't I?"
    • Characterization Marches On: During the Podcast sub-series, he starts developing a niche as the less debauched (toward the Emperor) and more sarcastic member of the trio, making comments when he can. He also hows an attraction toward Magnus that borders on, and exceeds, sexual harassment, completely disgusting the Emperor due to their pseudo-filial relationship.
  • Gameplay and Story Integration: A Custodes Shield Captain has roughly the same stats as an Ogre Tyrant in their respective game systems. Guess who Custodisi becomes once he's in the World-That-Was?
  • Going Native: Stranded in the Warhammer Fantasy Battle universe, Custodisi becomes the chieftain of a tribe of ogres and gnoblars, after having slain their previous leader with a single blow. He's shown to be rather fond of his new minions, whom he refers to as his "ogre daddies" and "sweet little gnobbly children". His usual apparel is also augmented with furs, an ogre belly-plate and a crown circled around his helmet. Even the Pillar Men theme that plays when he leaps from the Great Jaw is a remix that incorporates tribal-sounding wood instruments.
  • Hero Killer: In Tabletop Adventures he is responsible for two party deaths, killing both Krakus and Bulgo with a single hit each.
  • Insistent Terminology: He always refers to the Horus Heresy as the Horus Humbug.
  • Servile Snarker: As a part of his Character Development Custodisi goes from the boring generic one to this, especially after the second podcast. He opens comments and jokes about Whammudes and the codex of the day they found in the Black Library and even going against the Emperor. He plays the Devil's Advocate for Uriah and still feels that the Emperor is a huge asshole even when Uriah is shown as a Chaos Priest. It took Kitten a while to disobey the Emperor while it only takes Custodisi two podcasts to admit the Emperor is an asshole for what he did.
  • Little "No": His last word before falling asleep during the sixth special, before he's thrown down a pit implied to be the Great Maw.
  • Normal Fish in a Tiny Pond: Downplayed. Custodians are some of the most powerful warriors of the Imperium in the 41st Millenium, sure, but they're still just men, and characters like Magnus. However, in the fairly humble Dark Fantasy world of Warhammer Fantasy Battle, he's practically a god. His musculature alone is strong enough to make him nearly impervious to harm, and he is able to effortlessly slay his opponents with a single unarmed blow. The only reason he's defeated is because he's unfortunately beholden to the mechanics of Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay, which leaves him vulnerable to absurdly lucky dice rolls and his own laughable willpower stat.
  • Not Quite Dead: If the events of the sixth special are anything to go by it appears that Custodisi has been sent into an alternate dimension where the events of the palace's RPG game are real, rather than being destroyed as initially thought.
  • Our Ogres Are Hungrier: Because of his size, the ogres of the World-That-Was treat him as one of their own. Specifically, they take him for a Gorger, a skinnier, mutated type of ogre that is normally completely feral.
  • Smug Super: In Tabletop Adventures, Custodisi develops a streak of this due to being a Normal Fish in a Tiny Pond, openly enjoying the act of slaughtering the hapless player characters and gloating that no primitive alloy weapon can harm his superior muscles.
    Custodisi: You know, this is almost a bit embarrassing. If my brothers could see me now, they'd tell me to stop playing around. The closest mortal equivalent to what I'm doing right now would be to play with insects in the dirt.
  • There's No Place Like Home: After being stranded in the Warhammer Fantasy Battle universe, Custodisi seems to be hunting for wizards in the hope that one of them will be able to send him back to his native universe. Unfortunately, the Grand Provost Marshal notes out-of-character that trans-dimensional travel is nigh-impossible by the rules of both the setting and the RPG adaptation they're playing. This makes him easily duped by the Emperor, who tricks him with a cantrip lightshow into leaping down a gigantic pit (while this wipes out Custodisi's ogre tribe, it only serves to make Custodisi himself angry).
  • Unexplained Recovery: He returns to the Imperial palace in episode 28, with no explanation whatsoever. He is wearing his Gorger Lord attire and is missing an arm, which means that the events of the roleplay session did happen. However, the last time he was seen, he was thrown into a bottomless pit.
  • Weak-Willed: His ultimate downfall in Special 6: Tabletop Adventures. Despite having superhuman physical stats that make him The Juggernaut, his willpower statistic is an absolutely pathetic 10 note . As such, the Emperor's half-dead character is able to subdue him with the Sleep spell, one of the most basic spells in the entire game. This makes sense, considering that how unhinged the Custodes are.

Whammudes

  • Achievements in Ignorance: His over-greased sliding around leads him to accidentally falling through the Webway portal and discovering the one part that leads straight to the Black Library.
  • Beware the Silly Ones: As comedic as he usually is, he's deadly competent when it comes to hunting a Bastard of the Sludge, breaking his own bones so he can pursue it through small pipes and persisting even as it boils his skin.
  • Blow You Away: Custodian lungs are one hell of a thing; from the sounds of it, if he inhales hard enough Whammudes can generate near-hurricane force winds with the following blow, enough to clear out fungal infections and blast himself and some unidentified horror blasting out of a pipe.
  • Blue-and-Orange Morality: ...a little. He sees himself as a tool, is perfectly fine with it, and believes tools shouldn't be concerned about things that aren't their job, and are probably unable to; hence his utter lack of empathy for the "normals". It's not his job to care.
  • Body Horror: The second Voxlog has him telling us that all Custodes can do the Pillar Men thing of twisting their bodies in gross and bone-snapping manners to fit into tight spaces... and he noisily demonstrates as he needs to crawl into several tiny pipes.
  • Born Lucky: To a comical degree. First, he slips through the Webway Portal and just so happens to go through the one particular section that leads him to the Black Library, and in the sixth special, he rolls enough natural tens to get his crit score high enough to deal serious damage to Magnus's Purposefully Overpowered boss enemy (though it's possible he's using the same superhuman abilities that allowed Kitten to shoot a coin to land the way he wanted, but is only using it now because he wants to spite Magnus).
  • A Day in the Limelight: He's the main character in two of the Vox Logs, and while one is just his ramblings about the attractivness of various Primarchs, the other follows him through one of his many less than fabulous tasks he undertakes to ensure the Godlen place runs smoothly.
  • Bunny-Ears Lawyer: He's...well...not at all different from the other two in terms of eccentricity, but the Emperor's Canals Vox-Log shows that he is an effective squad leader, enough that the Silent Sisters follow his commands loyally (though not without a little bit of nonvocal snarking), and he is more than a match for the Bastard of the Sludge.
  • Deliberate Injury Gambit: Much like the Pillar Men the Custodes are based on, he can and does fracture bones and tear muscles to fit into small spaces.
  • Everyone Has Standards: Misanthropy and status as a Cloud Cuckoo Lander Fabulous Custodes aside, even he's disgusted by the Inquisitor Draco novel.
  • Funetik Aksent: His subtitles will occasionally slip into this whenever his accent starts playing up, which is doubly hilarious due to his often interesting pronounciations. For example, an "ow" is rendered as "AAOOO".
  • I Call It "Vera": Grand-Uncle, the massive shotgun that he employs during his foray into the Imperial Canals.
  • Hidden Depths: The Voxcasts along with the sixth special reveal despite his usual behavior, he is very fond of the ideal of a Knight in Shining Armor, which is the reason why Lion El Johnson is in third place of his top Primarchs. Who was on top? Roboute Guilliman. He believes that if Guilliman was revived, he would share a lot of the same compliants as The Emperor and wouldn't waste time reforming the Imperium. And according to Warhammer 40000 8th edition, he's absolutely right.
    • While he takes immense, boisterous pride in his bulbous perfection, he does have one flaw he's intensely self-conscious about: his remarkably small head.
    • The Emperor's Canals Vox Log has him begrudgingly admit that despite the shit they heap upon Kitten, he genuinely appreciates Kitten's dedication to his job as Captain-General, and begrudgingly admits no small amount of admiration of his caretaking abilities.
  • Hypocrisy Nod: After Big E points out Whammudes being disgusted by the incredibly uncomfortable sexual tone of almost everything in Inquisitor is a touch of the old "pot, kettle, black" routine, the latter defends himself with...
    Whammudes: It's adorable when I do it!
  • Madness Mantra: Whammudes' hatred of the "normals" overwhelms him to the point he is reduced to chanting "Maim! Kill! Burn!" at one point.
  • Neat Freak: He finds personal cleanliness to be of utmost importance, thanks to his role in keeping the Emperor "free of corruption, within and without". The bottom tier of his Primarch list is all filled with the less-than-clean sorts, and he personally says if Mortarion is ever redeemed he will be waiting with flaming promethium and the stuff they use to clean Imperial Titans before he allows him in the same solar system.
    Whammudes: Every night, I hug my sponge collection in SHEER DREAD at the thought that his return may become a reality...
  • OOC Is Serious Business: In the Emperor's Canals Vox-Log, he completely and utterly drops his usual attitude when exploring the Emperor's Sewers and he hears voices ahead. They are way to far deep for it to be more lost pilgrims and his voice becomes deadly serious as he orders the Silent Sisters to advance, double-time. Rightly so as the voice turns out to be a Bastard of the Sludge (a psychic, living, sentient thing born from the waste of the Golden Throne).
  • Oh, Crap!:
    • Whammudes is understandably horrified at the idea of the Emperor, one of the most powerful psykers in the galaxy and the guiding light of the Astronomican, getting high off of the spores in ork flesh.
    • Hearing voices in the deepest pits of the mutant-infested canals under the Imperial Palace. The only sentient beings they had encountered so far were mutated pilgrims who, while disgusting and horrific to look at, are relatively benign. But from that deep in, where the environment is so toxic that only super-soldiers such as himself or the Silent Sisters under his command can feasibly survive, whatever is talking is most definitely not pilgrims.
  • The Roleplayer: In Tabletop Adventures, Whamuudes wholeheartedly embraces the persona of Bretonnian knight-errant Sir Whamri le Savoureux. He clearly enjoys playing the part of a bombastic Knight in Shining Armor, bantering with his enemies and keeping the party's clashing egos in check.
  • Transhuman Treachery: Whammudes has a fairly disturbing outburst near the end of the Black Templars podcast where he blames all of the Imperium's woes and flaws on the "normals" being utterly imperfect, and goes full Khornate in wanting them all bombarded to hell. Even Karstodes blew up at him for that.
  • Verbal Tic: Signs off on Voxcasts or whenever he departs a scene with an "Ahh-kay, BYE."
  • Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: After meeting Cegorach, clowns. An offhanded mention of clowns in episode 27 is enough to make him jump in fright.

    Santodes 

Santodes

Voiced by: Takahata101

The answer to the question "What if one of the Fabulous Custodes became a dreadnought?", Santodes ended up in his current state after he "heroically" sacrificed himself by jumping between Horus and the Emperor. After having removed his armour. And after Kitten had pointed out that a random guardsman had just done the same thing.

Kitten (reluctantly) calls upon him to provide heavy support during his mission to Mars.


  • Agent Peacock: Santodes features glorious locks of wavy golden hair and demands that he be oiled and his locks be hydrated before he'll join Kitten on his mission. He's so absurdly sexually-intense that he causes a group of Skitarii guards to oil themselves.
  • Brick Joke: The first time Santodes is mentioned, it was in episode 12.5 with Kitten bringing him up as having followed the seemingly random guardsman in pulling a Heroic Sacrifice to save the Emperor. 14 episodes later, it handily explains why he's now in a Dreadnought.
  • Bishounen Line: His Dreadnought shell is remarkably statuesque compared to the other models the Custodes use and has a head of flowing locks, to the point where it's be difficult to tell he's not just an exceptionally large Custodes.
  • Incoming Ham: Kitten is standing around berating some sleepy dreadnoughts being unable to wake up, despairing that he needs brawn for his mission. This is responded to by an offscreen Santodes
    "Did somebody say... BRAWN?"
  • Made of Iron: This guy SURVIVED a killing blow from a Chaos-empowered Horus Lupercal (while dressed in nothing but his loincloth, if Kitten is to be believed), albeit he was heavily injured afterwards and needed to be interred in a dreadnought. Putting it in perspective, he's still ambulatory after tanking something that permanently crippled his very own Emperor.
  • Nice Guy: Uniquely among the Fabulous Custodes, he actually seems to respect Kitten, saying that it's good to hear his voice, using "Little Kitten" as an Affectionate Nickname as opposed to a cruel barb like his brothers and giving him constructive criticism upon seeing him without his armor on. He also agrees with Lockwarden that the Shadowkeepers black terminator armor is awesome.
  • Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: While it's completely one-sided, Kitten seems to have particular animosity for him, going by his tone of voice and frustrated responses. And if the implication it was Kitten that suggested he jump in front of Horus way back when is true, the animosity's been there for quite a while.
  • Stupid Sacrifice: Kitten convinced him to lay down his life to save the Emperor from a Chaos -empowered Horus. Without his armor on. So he wouldn't be upstaged by a random Guardsman.
  • Token Good Teammate: For the Fab Custodes given his Nice Guy status and genuine respect for Kitten. Hilariously, he's also the one member of their group Kitten has the most animosity towards.

    Lockwarden 

Lockwarden, Shield-Captain of the Shadowkeepers Shield-Host

Voiced by: Connor McKinley (Lockwarden)

Responsible for guarding and containing the secrets buried beneath the Imperial Palace, including dealing with ancient dark-tech abominations, Lockwarden and his men are among the sanest members of the Custodes, to the point that they all wear armour.

Lockwarden himself actually treats the Captain-General with the respect he deserves, and is apparently his go to guy when he needs comforting after (totally not canon) break ups.


  • Nice Guy: Lockwarden not only treats Kitten with respect, but is happy to give him a shoulder to cry on and encouragement to move on after Shadowsun broke up with him.
  • Only Sane Employee: Lockwarden and his men appear to be the only group of Custodes that don't have any major mental issues or flaws. It helps that they have to actually deal with dangerous abominations on a daily basis, meaning they actually had something to keep them occupied.
  • Sunglasses at Night: The Lockwarden wears a permanent set of sunglasses even while patrolling the lightless Vaults underneath the Palace. Half of his dialogue ends with a sunglasses-wearing-emoji.
  • Totally Radical: An interesting example in that he has the same even tone throughout, but he still uses the slang
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    Hammurabi 

Hammurabi Unferth, Shield-Captain of the Emissaries Imperatus Shield-Host

Voiced by: Randolph Carter

Leader of the Heralds of the Golden Throne, master of the guilt-trip, extremely passive-aggressive, and evidence that, simply because a Custodes decided to keep wearing his armour, doesn't mean he's completely sane.

Called upon by the Captain-General to help with negotiations during his mission to Mars.


  • Aggressive Negotiations: Normally averted, in that he prefers Passive-Aggressive Kombat, but if you push his Berserk Button he won't hesitate to threaten with this trope - and as a Custodes, he can back up the threats.
  • Berserk Button: Insulting his Captain-General will cause him to completely drop any trace of passive-aggressiveness and verbally tear the offender a new one. Don't claim you're the Captain General's equal either: The Captain-General is the Emperor's representative - outside the Emperor himself, and his Primarchs, none are the Captain-General's equal.
    Hammurabi Unferth: How DARE you, you colossal mechanical nerd! He does not need proof. He's the Emperor's Word. When you go and reject our Emperor's Truths, then darling, I'm sorry, but out goes your screws!
    Fabricator-General: I'm the Omnissiah's Voice, and my word is as true!
    Hammurabi Unferth: Oh you really think so?! FUCK YOU!
  • Cloud Cuckoo Lander: While more sane than other Custodes, he's still a bit... off. When he's first introduced, he is passive-aggressively arguing with his fellow Emissaries about barbecue sauce and later mentions that he would be happy to strip out of his armor but no one told him to.
  • Only One Name: Notably averted. While all Custodes do have more than one name (due to them gaining additional ones for performing great deeds), he is the only one besides Kitten who has had more than one of his names revealed, and is the only one to regularly use more than just one name.
  • Passive-Aggressive Kombat: Most of his lines are oozing with passive-aggressiveness, apparently brought on by becoming a master of the guilt-trip. If you hit his Berserk Button however, you can remove the "Passive" part of this trope and watch him verbally murder you without even a shred of restraint.

    Lrak 

Lrak

Voiced by: Karl the Deranged.

A rather eccentric member of Kitten's Mars party, notable only for how strange he is compared to even the Fab Custodes.


  • Art-Style Dissonance: Likely intentionally to highlight his strangeness, instead of the high quality images used to represent the rest of the Mars party, Lrak is represented with a Rogue Trader-era Custodes tabletop model.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: He's bizarre acting even by Custodes standards, as evidenced by his first actual words in the series.
    Lrak: PLEASE send us to FUCking Mars already!! I want to crAWL on the DUnes with my FINGERED NAILS!!
  • Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: During his contribution to Kitten's negotiations with the Fabricator-General, he threatens to piss on his cables if he keeps dawdling on and stalling instead of handing over the Proteus Protocol.
  • No Indoor Voice: He's always screaming. Any time his words become sightly all-caps is to represent his voice briefly hiking up louder.
  • Sdrawkcab Name: Lrak is Karl backwards. Fittingly, he is quite deranged.
  • Still Wearing the Old Colors: He's the only Custodes shown to be wearing armor from First Edition 40k, meaning he's likely just refused to abandon his old helmet.
  • Walking Shirtless Scene: He's the only member of the Mars-bound Custodes shown to be adhering to the same abandonment of armor as the Fab Custodes, clad only in a pair of pants. This bites him on Mars.
    Lrak: THE MARTIAN WINDS PEELS MY SKINS!

High Lords of Terra

    High-Lords of Terra 

The High-Lords Of Terra, The Government of Humanity

https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/morons_of_the_imperium.png

The Master of the Administratum voiced by: The Fresh Sorcerer
Grand Provost Marshal voiced by: Earndil
Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard voiced by: Karl the Deranged

Consisting of Decius, the Fabricator-General of Mars, Grand Provost Marshal, Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard, The Master of the Administratum, Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov, and Kitten (who rarely attends meetings) they are the group that was responsible of taking care of the Imperium wile the Emperor was out of action. Let's just say that due to them all being rather senile and lacking common sense, they were not doing that good of a job.


  • Actually a Doombot: It appears the real High-Lords of Terra were locked inside a closet for a while, and the ones seen were shapeshifting aliens posing as them, save the Fabricator-General who was an extra body that was reprogrammed. Kitten and Magnus found this out by shooting them (with the intent to actually kill them). Kitten at least gets the real ones to consider making some laws that help people, for once, and they even seem to listen and try it.
  • Anything but That!: Let's just say that they dread the mere mention of the Old Folks' Planet and would avoid it at all costs.
  • Body Horror: They have a lot of unpleasant-looking mechanical parts.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: As mentioned before, common sense is not their strong suit.
  • Composite Character: The Grand Provost Marshal's design seems to incorporate the Inquisitorial Representative's torso, left arm and legs and an Adeptus Arbites officer's head and right arm.
  • Dumbass Has a Point: The Grand Provost Marshal made a point of reading all the rules before the Tabletop game special and points out things Magnus could have done to keep his NPC from dying like giving him a Fate points, something Magnus wasn't aware could done with NPCs, or just not given him stats since he wasn't supposed to die.
  • Dystopian Edict: Their first appearance is them holding a meeting to outlaw laxatives, having already outlawed speaking the name of the Old Folks' Planet. They seem to be under the impression that banning things like this is exclusively what High Lords are supposed to do. They later go on to outlaw breathing.
  • Grumpy Old Man: They're all old, grouchy, stereotypes but this is especially true with the Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard, who makes "back in my day" jokes and "prune juice" jokes.
  • Hidden Depths: For all their idiocies and lack of connection with reality, they are at least loyal.
    • Captain General Kitten has served the Emperor for over 10,000 years. Ironically, despite being a genetically augmented Super Soldier whose mind has been messed with to ensure loyalty, he's probably the least loyal of the High Lords, as he's ignored several direct orders from the Emperor himself and is currently colluding with Magnus, albeit to "Make the Imperium Great Again".
    • Decius tries to follow the Emperor's will, obeying strange decrees such as not fortifying the Imperial Palace after an Inquisitorial attack, but still fights back when the Inquisitors invade full force. He's also smart enough to realise just how difficult it would be to search all of Terra and question its entire populace, when Fyodor thinks the Inquisition can do it in only a few days, pointing out that, regardless of his resources, it's very hard to organise any sort of operation on a massive hive world.
    • The four senile High Lords will obey the Emperor's decrees. Even when the Emperor takes away their authority to pass new laws, their response is to cry, say "Ah Fiddlefucks" and curse Magnus.
    • Even Fyodor, for all his violent insanity, believes the Emperor's decree to disband the Inquisition to be a heretical lie (a not-unreasonable position to take in the current Imperium) and tries to get to the bottom of it.
    • The Tabletop game special gives all the High Lords aside from the absent Fabricator-General some extra characterization;
      • Decius has somewhat of a petty streak and some rather understandable resentment towards his High Lord colleagues that he tries to downplay as simply him roleplaying.
      • The Master of the Administratum is surprisingly one of the most positive and competent members of the group as well as being probably the friendliest out of all of them in his role as the simple Halfling adventurer.
      • The Grand Provost Marshal actually takes the concept of law very seriously— and not just in a Judge Dredd way as he's careful to read all the rules (something nobody else but Magnus did, and Magnus forgot quite a few important details like using Fate points) and is able to call Magnus out for bending them, as well as offer advice to his fellow players. He's surprisingly quick-thinking during the game as well.
      • The Lord Commander Militant, already being given depth as one of the more reasonable High Lords, is shown to have an exceptionally crude and occasionally disturbing sense of humor, with his thorough enjoyment of his role as a dung obsessed, face skinning lunatic.
  • It's All About Me: They're drawn from the ranks of the Imperium's notoriously self-centered nobility, so this is a given. It was a dizzying revelation to most of them that doing things for the benefit of other people is actually possible.
  • Lazy Bum: The Master of the Administratum aspires to retire and live on welfare so that he can, in his own words, "FEEL like a useless piece of shit". Keep in mind that he was already doing just that while still having one of the most important jobs in the Imperium.
  • Obliviously Evil: The High Lords have been imposing draconian and nonsensical laws on the Imperium for millennia, but it seems that the main reason the latest bunch have been such lousy rulers is that it never occurred to them they could actually try to improve things. The senility probably didn't help.
  • Only Sane Man:
    • Outside of Kitten and Decius, the High Lords of Terra are a bunch of incompetent morons.
    • The Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard doesn't seem to have reached senility quite just yet, at least when compared to the rest of the High-Lords. He's the only one who argues against banning laxatives and air and has enough functioning brain cells to make a pretty badass rap of his own. He's also the first High-Lord to seriously consider giving the everyday citizens of the Imperium benefits (specifically his Guardsmen), even openly praising them for their courage in fighting xenos and Heretics.
  • Pet the Dog: Kitten encourages the High-Lords to pass decrees and edicts that would actually benefit the people of the Imperium for a change. The Lord Commander of the Imperial Guard is the first to acknowledge and accept this new way of thinking (see the above entry) in a serious manner. The Fabricator-General then promptly plays this trope for laughs by claiming that he will personally go to Mars and make things better for the Mechanicus Adepts...by serving them Oil Margaritas.
    • Even after they break into his temple and hold him at gunpoint, the Fabricator-General genuinely congratulates Azrael and the Dark Angels on their positive character development once they realize that their insane paranoia and rampant lying have only made things worse for themselves and promise to move on from their obsession with atoning for sins that they were never really responsible for in the first place. Too bad the lesson only sticks for about 10 seconds.
  • Spanner in the Works: Hilariously, the High Lords niche and useless classes actually help defeat Magnus's unbeatable boss during Special 6: Tabletop Adventures.

    Decius 

Ecclesiarch/Manclesiarch Decius XXIII, Keeper of The Imperial Faith

https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/ithatts6.jpg
Watch that hat, it's about to go flying...

Voiced by: Kochiha Ichihara

The Ecclesiarch (later known as Manclesiarch) AKA the man in charge of maintaining the Imperial Faith, which makes him rather redundant once the Emperor decides to disband both the Ecclesiarchy and the Inquisition. Despite this little obstacle, he continues working for the good of the Imperium.


  • Arch-Enemy: Seems to consider Karamazov this. Just as it is in 40k canon Decius' hatred of Karamazov is a result of the matter of supposedly-Chaos-influenced preacher, Icarael of Salem Proctor, and Karamazov's burning the boy alive after six months of torture despite an equally long duration of repeated attempts by both the Ecclesiarchy and even other Inquisitors' demanding to see him. It went downhill when Karamazov finally let them see Icarael...when he was already a charred corpse.
  • Ascended Extra: In Warhammer 40000 lore, he's only been mentioned once in a Codex (that has long since been outdated) for the sole purpose of providing additional fluff for Fyodor Karamazov. In this series, he has an important role in the first and second seasons.
  • Barrier Warrior: He can make an energy shield with Rosarius. "The Emperor Protects!" It can keep out gunfire and grenades, but unfortunately, it is useless against "the funky monkey" technique.
  • Butt-Monkey: The High Lords of Terra seem to love messing with him. He suspects them of sending the "disband the Ecclesiarchy" message and they knock him out with an old shoe like it's par for the course.
  • Cool Hat: Inverted in-universe - everyone considers his Ecclesiarch headpiece to be a new low in terms of awful hats.
  • Everyone Has Standards: Given that he's an Only Sane Man, he's often outraged, disgusted or horrified by the acts of the people around him.
    • Two examples from the podcast on "Inquisitor": firstly, when they discuss Jaq's band of misfits stowing away aboard a Black Ship by claiming they are investigating a slavery ring that is abducting psychic children from the ships, he mentions that he really hopes he's reading too much into the book when he considers the "foul" implications it's offering. Second, he lets out a quietly horrified little "what?" when he learns that many of Boy's siblings were trampled to death whilst working on the pilgrimage line in the Imperial Palace.
  • Expressive Accessory: His hat.
  • Foil: To Karamazov in their approach to the Emperor's missive.
  • Good Shepherd: He tries to protect the Imperial Palace even when it's being attacked by the Inquisition.
    • The podcast on "Inquisitor" also shows that he cares for even the lowest of humans, horrified by the fact that they used children in the Under-Palace to perform general (yet dangerous) maintenance on parts the Golden Throne, especially upon learning that one of Boy's friends may have died doing so, and that many of Boy's siblings died due to being trampled by people in line waiting to the petition the High Lords. Indeed, every time he speaks to Boy, he audibly softens his tone in a very fatherly manner and tries to console the lad when he has an adverse reaction to what they're reading.
    • His nature and willingness to stop the worst of the inquisition is what convinces the Emperor that the Ecclisiarchy isn't all bad, just working from some bad material.
  • Grumpy Bear: Living in a World Gone Mad clashing with trying to be a responsible adult produces this.
  • High Priest: His job was pretty much the equivalent to this before the Ecclesiarchy was disbanded.
  • Humanity Is Superior: Seems to be his mindset after the Emperor's reveal as he insists on calling Emps the "Man-Emperor of Mankind" because the gods of this verse are lame, crazy and/or ugly.
  • The Immodest Orgasm: When Emperor outlines his vision of humanity, Decius has a shout of high theological pleasure.
  • Irony: As Ecclesiarch of the Imperial Cult, in theory he embodies the utter perversion of the Imperial Truth and the Emperor's most basic ideals. In actuality, he's turned out to be one of the few Imperial leaders so completely devoted to the Emperor that he's willing to drastically reform his entire worldview to comply with the Emperor's true wishes.
  • Just You and Me and My GUARDS!: Tries to pull this off on Karamazov during their first on-screen confrontation, but Karamazov has guards too.
  • Long List: As part of his Rousing Speech about how Humanity Is Superior to the gods and the Emperor is the greatest of humans, he name checks every other currently active godlike entity in the galaxy with a pithy quote as to why they suck.
  • Modest Orgasm: Seeing the Emperor with his own eyes puts him in what could be religious ecstasy.
  • My Friends... and Zoidberg: Defied at the end of his Long List of gods and why they're inferior to the Emperor in regards to Malal.
    "He doesn't exist, shut up!"
  • Nervous Wreck: Being the only sane Lord of Terra has taken its toll on him, as other High Lords note at one point.
  • Nice Hat: Decius gets touchy when people insult his hat, and planned on asking the Emperor himself if he could keep wearing it after reforming the Ecclesiarchy.
  • Not a Morning Person: When Karamazov invades the palace, he sees Decius in his pajamas, with a large cup of coffee and grumpier than usual.
  • Only Sane Man:
    • The only High Lord of Terra to have a solid grasp on reality.
    • In the Slaaneshmaas special, he's the only one to point out that not only is Lucius' show bad, it also ruins centuries of Imperial propaganda to keep the existence of demons a secret.
  • Rated M for Manly: After the Emperor told him to stop calling him a god, he seems to be trying to replace his religious terminology with phrasing that praises the Emperor's manliness (and to consciously use his stronger Rousing Speech voice when doing so).
    "Oh my Holy Emp-, *cough* - I mean, OH BY MY MANLY MANPEROR!"
    • The Inquisitor Podcast shows that he tends to slip back into his old voice when upset or irritated.
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: Likely the most reasonable of everyone in the Imperial Palace, period, and he works his best to stop Karamazov.
  • Rousing Speech: Gives one about how the Emperor is better than a god because he is human.
  • Selective Obliviousness: When he completely fails to notice Magnus standing right in front of him, the Primarch suggests that he's been conditioned to block out any proof of Chaos.
  • Send in the Clones: The Ecclesiarchy seems to be composed of dozens upon dozens of Decius' clones.
  • Something Else Also Rises: His hat is a good indicator of his arousal.
  • Spared by the Adaptation: The canon version of Decius was killed by Saint Celestine for trying to rescind the Decree Passive and bring back the Frateris Templar.
  • Throw the Book at Them: His and his retinue's main weapon against Karamazov and his inquisitorial task force is an absurd number of holy texts they just keep throwing at them. It's surprisingly effective for a while.
  • Undying Loyalty: Continues to support the Imperium even after he's fired and his entire belief is invalidated by the man he has believed to be a god. It's this loyalty that convinces the Emperor to put him in charge of the soon-to-be restored Ecclesiarchy and Inquistion.
  • Vocal Evolution: His voice goes from Tommy Lee Jones-esque grumbling to the kind of tone associated with many a Rousing Speech. Episode 23 even pokes fun of this, with him speaking with his first voice, before coughing and then continuing with his second. And in the third podcast, his gruff and grumbly voice returns every time he has to say something he really hates saying.

    The Fabricator-General 

The Fabricator-General of Mars, Magos Mechanicus

Fabricator-General of Mars voiced by: Glowtide

The leader of the Adeptus Mechanicus and the Cult Mechanicus.


  • Asshole Victim: The Fabricator-General falls squarely into this at the end of Episode 28 when he's on the business end of Asmodai's crozius. While Azrael is, as usual wildly off the mark about the Fabricator-General being in league with the Fallen, he would indeed be classified as a traitor after ordering Belisarius Cawl to eliminate the Custodes searching Mars for a way to revive the Emperor.
  • Beware the Silly Ones:
    • The Fabricator-General spends most of his screen time dissing organics and exploding, then decides to go back to Mars and serve his tech-priests oil margaritas. But, after conceding a techno-rap battle to Kitten and his squad, orders Cawl to kill them.
    • Also, despite being rather odd, he is still the leader of the Adeptus Mechanicus, the organization operating nearly the entirety of all technology in the Imperium. After getting fed up with the Dark Angels' intruding upon his temple, he threaten to outright cut any and all Adeptus Mechanicus support for their Chapter, which is enough to make Azrael actually pause and start to self-reflect.
  • Body Horror: The Fabricator-General has by far the msot gruesome cybernetic impalnts of the High Lords, especially when we get to see his full body.
  • Hidden Depths: The Fabricator-General has been discovered to be using the Proteus Protocol to cheat death, and also displays a malicious side when he commands Cawl to kill Kitten and the other Custodes.
  • Mechanical Abomination: As the leader of the Adeptus Mechanicus, the Fabricator-General being this is a given. Once we see him in his full glory in episode 28, it's clear he can hardly be classified as anything remotely human.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: The Fabricator-General was originally introduced as a senile robot who blew himself up when saying the word "Buttcheeks". Whether this is genuine to his character or not, he has been using secret technology to revive himself, and also exhibits a much more competent and malicious side when he is alone.
  • Spanner in the Works: He would have been this thanks to the Fabricator-General's threats to remove the Dark Angel Chapter's Mechanicus and his Armor-Piercing Question, which causes them to seriously reconsider changing their paranoid and trigger happy ways... until they notice a book that said "Secrets of the Dark Angel Chapter," which causes them to accuse him of being a traitor and kill him. Noticeably, said book was left by Cypher, who notably calls him "today's prank victim".
  • Unexplained Recovery: The Fabricator-General hits a fatal error while trying to say "buttcheeks" and explodes, only to reappear without fanfare later. This may actually be justified considering how much of him is machine. Episode 27 reveals that it's actually because he's using the Proteus Protocol tech to keep himself alive.

Others

    The Abducted Chronicler 

The Abducted Chronicler, Mentally Overwhelmed Tour Guide

https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/93f90f0d_36f8_4ebc_9d52_5073910e4595.jpeg
His establishing moment.

Voiced by: Oculus Imperia
A not-so-normal man who was charged with giving tours of the Imperial palace. He was recently raked by the Man-Emperor himself to read a Dark Eldar codex, later staying for the rest of the shenanigans.
  • Ax-Crazy: At least when he’s in character when everyone was playing an RPG.
  • Badass Normal: Manages to Offhand Backhand Whamuudes, a Praetorian Guard, while announcing Magnus The Red's return.
    The red one returns to the FOOOLDDD!!!
    • To explain a bit more, a Chronicler in 40K is a man or woman, sometimes psychic like this one, who acts as a scribe, guide, historian, translator, and all around savant and Renaissance man. These are the guys trusted to translate Chaos texts and come out of it loyal and untainted. Staying sane on the other hand...
  • Cloud Cuckoo Lander: He’s not the most stable person in the room. Apparently learning new things from Emps, such as how Commorragh works, has only made things worse. Staring dead into the Emperor's projection of the place didn't help.
    "My spine has shattered on the very concept."
    "My mind is a glass plane slowly cracking!"
    "My mind is no fortress! It is an open pasture ravaged by internecine conflict and chicken."
  • Everyone Has Standards: Gets exhausted from the over-the-top vulgar and edginess of the Drukhari weaponry.
    "...and by Macharius' saggy marble-sack, could these weapon-names be any more childishly grim?!"
  • The Knights Who Say "Squee!": As soon as he was summoned, he enthusiastically follows the Man-Emperor’s command.
  • The Team Normal: He's in the same room of a definitely-not-god, his demigod children, High Lords of Terra, and a trio of the Praetorian Guard, and he is able to stay with them.

    Boy 

Boy, Humble Vox-serf

https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/boy_avatar.png
The long suffering serf.
Voiced by: Nostalgia

A boy of indeterminate age, "Boy" has the privilege of serving as a vox-serf in the Imperial Palace not just for the the Adeptus Custodes and a "Space Marine" of the Imperial Fists but also for the Emperor himself. Unfortunately for him he's often the punching bag for when things go wrong and is often ignorant when it comes to the topics at hand. Is apparently friends with Billy.


  • A Dog Named "Dog": Since getting tongue-tied in the first podcast, this vox-serf is christened "Boy" by the Emperor himself, whether he likes it or not.
  • all lowercase letters: His subtitles, befitting his overall smallness in stature, world knowledge, etc.
  • Audience Surrogate: Serves as one in-universe as he's the average Imperial citizen: clueless about pretty much everything outside of the limited learning needed for his job and listens to the podcast members discuss things he can barely understand.
  • Badass Adorable: Turns out he has been one all along as shown in A Day in the Life of Boy. Turns out being a vox-serf child on Terra is a hazardous occupation, and Boy has the extra-hard task of slipping into Eternity Gate every day, which he does with both suprising skill and determination. On top of that he's good enough in a fight to hold his own against an (admittedly decrepit) adult.
  • Blind Seer: The boy claims he can see nightmarish images (particularly from Draco) with his missing eye.
  • Book Dumb: As with many citizens Boy knows only as much as he needs to about his job, which is to say very little. He often asks questions like "What's a Alcohol" and thinks that the Techpriest Reimleiz the Theorist is in fact Death and has come to take him when all he had come to do is ask stupid questions per usual. As of the third podcast he's picked up quite a bit, and is apparently getting tutoring from Lord Adorable (AKA: Rogal Dorn).
  • Butt-Monkey: He's often the butt of most of the insults from the Custodes.
  • Catch Phrase: More of a "Signature Noise", Boy tends to make a pitiful whimper whenever the Custodes or guests yell at him.
  • Conditioned to Accept Horror: During the podcast reviewing Draco, the first book in the Inquisition War trilogy, he mentions casually towards the end that a number of his siblings were sent to work catering to the vast pilgrimage line into the Imperial Palace, and all of them were trampled to death. He talks about their deaths like he was talking about the weather, and actually manages to horrify Decius.
  • Ear Ache: Gets his eardrums blown out in A Day in the Life of Boy by the "Asshailer". He is promptly sent to get bionic ear replacements after beating said Asshailer into submission with his rather muscular legs.
  • Elective Unintelligible: Implied that Boy's malapropisms are this. When describing the interior of the inner Imperial Palace to Principal Vox-Caster Proprietus, Boy suddenly becomes very eloquent, using fairly fancy terms correctly, lacking his usual strange vocabulary.
    "I am oft joined by Wardens of this most sacred province. Iridescently gleaming in luminosity shone like chiliad suns reflecting the soul-enriching facts of the Man-Emperor's million golden hues. With them I travel through colossal chambers with roof invisible to vision unassisted, whose upper reaches contain within them their own microclimates, so vast are they and so uncannily constructed. We strive for that most sacred light of lights, shining at the apogee of the sanctum, brightly burning like a galaxy aflame. [...] after uncountable time, after walking through lakes of plasma, halls of sleeping golems, valleys of pistons and pumps, pyramids of glimmering auramite, we reach the ultimate door - wherein BIG SKELETON sits!"
  • Eye Scream: Gets mug shards in his eye during Podcast Episode 2. He tries hating it (as in using The Power of Hate) out of his eye but of course, it doesn't work. He does inexplicably get over the pain quite quickly though, and later just complains about the fact he can't see out of that eye anymore.
    • Pretty much confirmed that he lost said eye then, when in A Day in the Life of Boy he sports a bionic eye replacement.
  • Flat Character: He has very little characterization due to not being allowed to speak unless spoken to. Seeing how the pilot podcast is about things like the comprehensive history of the White Scars, he really has barely any reason to speak at all. He is addressed more often starting in Podcast Episode 2, and his personality develops from there. It turns out Boy is clever enough to make accurate deductions based on the limited information he has.
  • Goal in Life: Dreams of becoming a Space Marine. Given who's all but adopted him, it's a near if not certain to happen dream.
  • Heroic BSoD: Spends almost the entirety of the Draco podcast in a near-catatonic stupor due to just how horrible it was.
  • Hidden Depths: As stated above Boy can be surprisingly smart and has big dreams (and with Rogal Dorn - a frakkin' Primarch! - adopting him, he might have a chance reaching that dream).
  • Raven Hair, Ivory Skin: As seen by his podcast symbol Boy has very dark hair and in Episode 1 of the podcast (the second episode) he is described by the Fab Custodes as having very pale skin, most likely due to having the privilege of living in the Imperial Palace for his entire life and thus seeing no sunlight.
  • Stronger Than They Look: For all his sickly aspect, all the stairs he needs to climb thanks to the palace's layout have given him some strong legs, and he's generally in good enough health that he beat his Principal Vox-caster to death and briefly fended off his bodyguard with just his own vox-caster microphone.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Despite his occasional moments of cleverness, he apparently thinks he can stave off starvation by drinking his own blood.
    • To be fair, given that he professed this idea during the Draco podcast, and he basically hinted that his missing eye was now showing him visions strongly hinted to be from the Warp, this idea might not have been something he himself came up with.
  • Vague Age: It's not clear how old he is as it's never said and it's extremely likely a vox-serf like him would be malnourished and thus seem younger than he actually is.

    Cyberdong the Techpriest 

Cyberdong the Techpriest, Speculation Incarnate

Voiced by: Remleiz

A Techpriest that first appeared in episode 24, replacing "toaster guy" (who installed the text to speech device in exchange for a toaster from Kitten). He can easily be distinguished by the rest of the cult mechanicus by his green & gold color scheme, saurian mask (or actual face; it's hard to know with Mechanicus adepts), and by the fact that 90% of his dialogue is questions.


  • All There in the Manual: Only named in video descriptions and credits.
  • Author Avatar: Of Remleiz, host of the YouTube channel 40K Theories.
  • Cloud Cuckoolander: From some of his theories and general manner of thinking, it's clear he's even loopier than usual for an Adeptus Mechanicus member.
  • Cyborg: Unsurprising, being a Techpriest and all.
  • Did You Just Flip Off Cthulhu?: It might be unintentional, since it might just be genuine curiosity, but he's made some fairly insulting questions to the Emperor's face, such as wondering if he could be rebuilt entirely from cyberdongs and outright asking him if he's a giant asshole.
  • Fetish: Says he has "a massive fixation with slapping my cyber-dong against the hull of toasters". This trait is apparently common among members of the Cult Mechanicus.
  • Verbal Tic: All of his lines, even those that aren't questions, end in a question mark and usually with inquisitive tone. Also, he cannot pronounce "Ursh" without sounding like he's being murdered.
  • The Watson: He's played this role during Podcasts, asking setting-related questions one after the other until he's thrown out.

    Sisters Tace, Non Loqui, & Sana Detestatus 

Sister Tace, Sister Non Loqui, & Sister Sana Detestatus, Oblivion Knights

Voiced by: Nobody

A trio of Sisters of Silence who accompany Whammudes through the Extolled Canals of the Emperor's Undesired.


  • Punny Name: 'Tace' means 'silent', 'Non Loqui' roughly means 'does not speak', and 'Sana Detestatus' means 'hates sound', all in Latin.
  • Silent Snarker: As Sisters of Silence, they're mute and communicate through ThoughtMark (a fancy name for sign language). Whammudes is helpful enough to translate some of it, even when snarking at him.


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