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The Imperial Palace

    The Emperor 

The Emperor/God-Emperor Of Mankind/Man-Emperor of Mankind/The Motherfucking Emperor/The Lord of Humanity
The usual reaction.

Voiced by: A Text To Speech Device and Randolph Carter (Whenever not using the Text To Speech Device, which is mostly flashbacks, Imagine Spots, drifting soul fragments, etc)

The mightiest being in the galaxy, the post-human titan, the saviour of humanity, a living god... once. These days, he's stuck on galaxy's most elaborate life-support machine and nearly powerless physically, which leaves him with a snarky attitude and an awful case of grumpiness. Also an itchy nose for some reason, despite effectively being a skeleton.

  • Absolute Xenophobe: A trait downplayed compared to the Emperor in canon. He says he would actually be okay with xenos living side-by-side with humans, so long as they agreed to abide by his laws and not get in the way of humanity's prosperity. It's just that every xeno civilization he's encountered has wanted to either murder or enslave humanity. He even briefly considers making an alliance with the Tau, before learning that they don't fight in melee (the cowards!). He also admits that the main reason he built the Webway was to get access to Eldar prostitutes.
  • Adaptational Nice Guy: While he's still a massive dick all around, he does have genuine love for his Primarch sons, which is something that the Black Library has significantly moved away from as the Horus Heresy series has progressed, along with the general developments that came as a result of The Gathering Storm (in which Roboute Guilliman is told by the Big E that he's seen as a tool to advance the Imperium's goals).
  • A God I Am Not:
    • Despite having the power of a god and expecting people to follow his decrees, he repeatedly denies being a god. Magnus finds this trait tremendously grating — for all he denies being a god, he never ceases to demand to be treated as one.
      I am like a like a glorious golden god [beat] Except I am not.
    • He outright admits it when confronted by Uriah Olathaire.
  • Actually Pretty Funny: Takes a moment to admire Rogal's burn that he "is what he eats" because he behaves like a "growing pile of screaming psychic children".
  • And I Must Scream: The Golden Throne is absolutely agonizing, and he can't leave it for even a second or Terra will get eaten by a Warp Rift. As it stands, the Emperor's consciousness is scattered all over Hell's half-acre and slowly but surely being eroded into nothing. He also Name Drops the Trope Namer after hearing the first question of the first Fourth-Wall Mail Slot episode.
  • Angrish: When truly shocked, all he can say is "Wowowowo" for a little bit. Then he delivers a blistering "Reason You Suck" Speech.
  • Aww, Look! They Really Do Love Each Other: For all his constant unending belittling of Kitten, the Emperor is heartbroken when he thinks Kitten abandoned him.
  • Batman Gambit: He's pretty adept at playing those, turning Mary Sue tendencies to his advantage or planning long time ahead using what he knows of people's characters. Then again, he's supposed to be smarter than anyone else. This comes to a head in Episode 26, where it is revealed that he intentionally built up Fyodor since before Dominique became his scribe to be as tremendously self-absorbed, arrogant, and bull-headed as possible so that when the time came the Inquisitor would genuinely believe he was the Emperor reborn, and that he would believe in this so much that a shard of the Emperor could be reincarnated into Karamazov's body.
  • Badass Decay: He is a Heavily downplayed In-Universe example. Make no mistake, the Emperor is still one of the most powerful psykers in the galaxy and the pinnacle of human potential. However, his time on the Golden Throne has fractured his memories and his charismatic abilities so, while still potent, they are nowhere near where they were during their height. For example, in the past he was once able to sway a whole army into surrendering while speaking to them in Haiku. Meanwhile, in the present, he ends up losing a theological argument with the spirit of someone he had once bested easily in the past. The fact that Emps refuses to fully admit this frustrates Rogal greatly.
  • Berserk Button: Where do we begin?
    • Traitor Legions.
    • Religion.
    • FUCKING Horus.
    • Ultramarines (though he does come to appreciate them, or at least appreciate that he can abuse the hell out of their Plot Armor).
    • Senseless Sacrifice, especially when it has to do with sacrificing some of the biggest and most expensive ships in the imperium by smashing them into things or self-destructing them when they are in perfect working order.
    • The Codex Astartes and all Space Marine Foundings that aren't his original one. note 
    • General human idiocy.
    • Refusing to fight in melee. (which practically all of the Tau do)
    • Racism, which in itself gets played with when the Custodian claims that the Salamanders are feared because they are literally jet-black, which the Emperor interprets as racism towards any person of color until he finds out that the Custodian himself happens to be black (as more conventionally interpreted). Fortunately he hasn't been told of the fact that some corners of the Imperium have engaged in racism as part of the whole "kill the mutant" part of the Imperial Creed — see Lastrati.
    • He also responded poorly to incestual insinuations regarding his children, once retaliating against a question sender for insinuating that he might have had feelings towards Horus. He quite literally deletes Custodisi nigh immediately when he proposed wincest.
  • Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: The Emperor was Conan the Barbarian, Moses, Kenshiro, and is strongly implied to have been Christian Weston Chandler, of all people.
  • Blatant Lies: The Astral Knights were totally a secret legion that The Emperor created before the Great Crusade that he never told anyone about, and not a bunch of stupid Second Founding assholes who pointlessly crashed an Emperor Class Battle Barge into a Necron World Engine.
  • Boldly Coming: His reason for originally building a Webway gate under the Palace? Eldar prostitutes.
  • Brought Down to Badass: Can't move from his throne and can barely move his body. But he's still the most powerful psyker in the galaxy and can create warp storms just as the side effect of getting angry.
  • Cannot Convey Sarcasm: Happens sometimes, as the text-to-speech device isn't exactly what you may call the most expressive.
  • Catchphrase: "I'm the motherfucking Emperor."
  • Character Development: Surprisingly but yes. He comes to conclusion that he was wrong to discard his compassion, AKA Star Child, and plans to regain it, as he realized that he needs it now more than ever.
  • Character Tics: A flash around his skull when one of his Berserk Buttons gets pushed. When truly pissed, it's changed to smoke pouring out of his ears and nose, with a kettle's whistle for sound effect.
  • The Chessmaster: He's well-known for his complex strategies. His entire plan to disband the Inquisition, for instance, rode on a number of Inquisitors betraying his orders and approaching the Imperial Palace itself, convincing Fyodor that he was an incarnation of the Emperor, and Magnus sending them all to the Warp—simultaneously taking the blame for the Emperor's plan and putting Karamazov in a position that would eventually lead to him so thoroughly and intensely believing that he was the Emperor so that a shard of the Emperor's soul could take over his body. And it completely worked.
  • The Cobbler's Children Have No Shoes: The Emperor has genius-level analytical skills, and has demonstrated great insight into the flaws of his enemies and allies alike. Most importantly, he has successfully exploited those flaws to his own benefit, and by extension the benefit of Mankind. He is nevertheless totally blind to his own shortcomings.
    • As for his family directly, his "sons" The Twenty Primarchs are a dysfunctional group that have a very strained relationship with their father, if they have one at all. Magnus is constantly bullied by him, Horus fell to Chaos, Russ is stuck in the warp and only makes amends with somebody who believes he's a fragment of the Emperor, Jaghatai Khan is believed to be stuck in the Dark Eldar city of Commorragh, Vulkan is constantly dying, and the only one he never mocks, Sangunius, is dead. Magnus and the Emperor try to make up for lost time but the Emp only drives him away again with Kitten in tow. After Magnus leaves with Kitten, the Emp doesn't try very hard to get close with his other son, Rogal, outside of getting him a spare bike so he can "go fast" like Magnus could. As much as he cares for Mankind, he has little concern over his own "sons".
  • Color-Coded Characters: He's surrounded by gold and his subtitles are in gold.
  • Cool Old Guy: Can be this at times, especially when telling the history of the world or when actually attempting to bond with his son.
  • *Cough* Snark *Cough*: Literally types "cough-snark-cough" into the device once.
  • Deadpan Snarker: One of the ways he deals with the world around him, and even if he's corpsing, it gets lost in translation between his mind and the impassionate text-to-speech device.
  • Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: His psychic spirit stabbed Magnus' soul right out of Tzeentch.
  • Disabled Snarker: His level of snark is inversely proportional to his mobility.
  • Enraged by Idiocy: One of his Berserk Buttons is Mankind's current idiocy.
  • Eye Scream: Rogal Dorn accidentally poked his right eye out with his armor spikes.
  • Fantastic Racism: Surprisingly subverted. he claims that he doesn't actually hate Xenos themselves, he hates how pretty much every Xenos species in the galaxy has an agenda that would fuck Humanity over if they succeeded.
  • Fashionable Asymmetry: Only one of his eyes has a visor, to his annoyance.
  • Fatal Flaw: Arrogance. He adamantly refuses to acknowledge his mistakes, and belittles everyone around him incessantly. His failure to treat his children with respect led to the Horus Heresy, Kitten's loss of position, and Magnus losing faith in his competence as a ruler.
    • Apathy is a second, self-admitted one saying that discarded his empathy and personal sentiments a long time ago deeming it a weakness he could not afford during a time where he had to build the foundations of the Imperium's future very quickly. He now realizes that, in these harsh and cruel times, he needs it back more than ever.
  • Fourth-Wall Observer: While he has yet to address the audience, he regularly Leans on it and makes references to things that only make sense to the audience. furthermore, after the intro sequence first appeared in episode 12, he responded to it in the usual manner.
  • Fridge Logic: In-Universe he's confused as to why he has a monocle, despite both eyes rotting away aeons ago. He would also like to know where his right hand is. note 
    • Once Rogal points it out, he has serious trouble figuring out just where all of Terra's natural water went to.
  • The Gadfly: He likes to say absurd stuff and pull people's legs just to see their reaction.
  • Girls Have Cooties: His reason for decreeing that that there shall never be any female Space Marines? He thinks girls are "yucky".
  • Gosh Dang It to Heck!: During the podcast episodes, he has to resort to silly pseudo swears to bypass the profanity filter. This results in phrases like "I am the motherflipping emperor".
  • Grumpy Old Man: In flashbacks when he was younger he had a more dignified and stately demeanor. Most of the time in the main series, he's got a scathing critique for everything and rarely gets happy about anything. Magnus even called him "Grumpiness Incarnate".
  • Heterosexual Life-Partners: Malcador was his "bro for life", and seeing said bro's legacy turned into an "elitist shitfest" led to an indignant rant.
  • Hidden Depths: For all his grumpiness and snarkery, his endgame for humanity is heartwarming. He truly wishes for them to ascend and become better. He also misses Sanguinus a lot.
  • Hollywood Atheist: Hates and mocks religion with passion, and basically made atheism instead into the Imperium's state belief system. Magnus likes pointing this out, "you told everyone to throw religion out the window and ironically never to question you about it." That being said, he is shown to have some pretty good reasons for not condoning belief in the gods- they are real, they are evil, and he thinks they need prayer badly.
  • Hypocrite: Uriah Olathaire states that the ultimate conclusion of the Imperial Truth is that he's trying to purge humanity of its less-savory aspects (something the Emperor himself hated in Ferrus Manus), even though this boils down to change what it means to be human, going so far as to state that the Emperor HATES humanity... and given that Emps has directly declared his goal is to basically turn humans into more of him, it's a pretty damning accusation. Uriah's also pretty pissed that for all the Emperor's disgust of religion, he took many religious terms and introduced his own bastardized version to the "secular" Imperium.
    • There's also the fact that if he really was Moses, then he was responsible for helping codify Judaism and by extention all Abrahamic religion. It might be that he was misinterpreted by his followers rather than outright deceiving them, but if that's the case it means he really should have expected the Imperial Truth to be warped again millenia later— unless this is all some incredibly long plan still unfolding.
  • I Call Him Mr Happy: He calls him "Big-E".
  • Insistent Terminology:
    • It's Fucking Horus, never simply Horus or Horus Lupercal.
    • It's not Marneus Calgar, it's Papa Smurf.
  • It's All About Me: He manage to turn every conversation into a paean to his greatness. Even his history of the galaxy turns into his own autobiography with his arrival on the scene of events.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Make no mistake, the Emperor is a colossal asshole but he does care for humanity. And if there's any doubt of that consider that he has to care seeing as he's not backing down from fixing the Imperium and bringing back the Imperial Truth, no matter how insurmountable it might seem. He even states that he still cares about humanity because he sees the immense potential in it. Despite all the verbal abuse he heaps on the Custodian; he's genuinely sad and heartbroken when he thinks Kitten quit being his caretaker voluntarily.
  • Kick the Dog: He regards the time he kidnapped Angron and left all his friends to die in the process hilarious. He doesn't seem to realize how much this fueled his already volatile rage and blames his betrayal on being "unreasonably fuck-ass mad".
  • Lack of Empathy: He doesn't care much about anyone, save for the inchoate potential of humanity. His arrogance, Never My Fault and this trope conspired to send his decrepit corpse into the Golden Throne, where he's been rotting for ten millennia as his dreams and hopes are corrupted into a caricature of everything he held dear... and he still refuses to learn his lesson.
    • Thankfully, he seems to have realized that abandoning his compassion was a mistake and launched a plan to retrieve the fragment of his soul containing it that's been in motion as far back as Episode 4, preparing one of the craziest men in the Imperium to be its vessel by convincing him that he is said fragment before having a redeemed Magnus caber-toss him into the Warp.
  • Laser-Guided Karma: Had he not bailed out to stay away from Magnus' rampage, he'd still have Kitten as his attendant and he wouldn't have to endure the Fab Custodes' ludicrous hyper-macho antics. Also, mocking Magnus one too many times when he just wants to help leads to the Primarch lying to Kitten about the Emperor wanting him back as the attendant and puts him down even further. Although there's the implication that even that is a part of his plan.
  • Leitmotif: His throne room is always set to a Rachmaninov piece.
  • Love Is a Weakness: The Emperor cast love, compassion, empathy, and sentiment aside while he was building the Imperium, for at the time he felt that progress was more important than anything else. By episode 26, he realizes that he was wrong, and that he needs these things to be truly human.
  • Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex: The Emperor had many lovers over his many years when he was corporeal... but when he was a healthy human he was also a superhumanly strong giant who frequently injured his partners. He's genuinely surprised that many of his partners survived to bear his children.
  • Medium Awareness: The Emperor seems to be quite aware that he's on a show. It used to be limited to less formal things like answering letters, but slowly crept its way into the series proper. One of the more prominent and recent examples is when he states that Magnus has been absent for two years note  while Magnus confusedly insists he's been gone a monthnote  at most.
  • Mind Hive: His soul is made up of thousands of human shamans, and these days, it's splintered into even more parts thanks to his long interment on the Golden Throne.
  • Mr. Exposition: With how backwards the Imperium is in the 40K in terms of knowledge, he often finds himself in this position. He also gives a two-episode long explanation about the general backstory of the setting up to and including the Horus Heresy. That being said, he's often on the receiving end of it as well- given that he's been interned in the Throne for the past ten thousand years and that his mind is splintered across space, there's a lot for him to catch up on.
  • Narcissist: He's awesome and he'll have you know it.
  • Never My Fault: It's always either Chaos or Fucking Horus, never him. Though he does admit at least once to Magnus that they made the same mistakes, quote: "Like fucking father, like fucking son."
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: Based on an offhand comment he makes toward Karstodes about his need of Kitten's help, he seems to be fully aware of what Magnus and Kitten are up to and is simply pretending to not know about the current situation, suggesting that it may be a part of his plan. Later confirmed, though he's not entirely aware of what exactly they were up to.
  • Only Sane Man: Wackiness, Cloud Cuckoolander tendencies, and staggering Jerkass behaviors aside, he's one of the vanishingly few people who realizes how absurd everything around him is. He's very quick to point out why a number of the Imperium's existing policies are stupid and inefficient, and wonders how on Terra it got to the point when his original intentions for his regime were so badly misrepresented by his successors.
  • Out with a Bang: The Emperor has killed several women by having sex with them, apparently.
  • Painting the Medium: You may've noticed that Emperor's lines are always written this way. It's the same in series' subtitles and unique to him.
  • Papa Wolf:
    • Goes downright berserk when he learns of the fate of the Sensei.
    • Risks his soul splintering into even more parts to confront Tzeentch and take Magnus' soul back.
    • He also shows a little of this towards Kitten, as he offhandedly threatened Karstodes after he threaten Kitten for information to report back to the Emperor with.
    • He psychically slaps the hell out of Custodisi after said Custodes refers to Magnus as "Hot Stuff" while calmly reprimanding him. The siren that goes off in the background however, hints that he's in a state of Tranquil Fury over Custodisi's lusting over his son. Eventually, after one crass pass too many, he loses patience and just outright deletes Custodisi from reality.
  • Parental Favoritism: Doesn't even bother to hide his favoritism of Sanguinius over the rest of his sons.
  • The Perfectionist: He's critical of just about everything, but he is especially frustrated that his sons lacking traits that a certain sibling might have in excess. He doesn't like them being too nice, too honest, too straight-laced, too quirky, too strict, too lenient. Just so.
  • Pet the Dog: Has a few moments when he genuinely shows appreciation for humanity and his companions.
    • Episode 13 has him talk about what he liked about his sons in spite of their flaws with profuse emotion and kindness...well, according to Kitten's narration, because it's off-screen.
    • He also went through the trouble of recovering Magnus's soul from Tzeentch using one of his own soul fragments, a process which is known to be rather painful for him. All to show that, even if he is a dick, he still cares about his son.
    • He occasionally shows some kindness towards the Custodes even though they freak him out / annoy him constantly. He allowed Karstodes to watch the Slaaneshmas show with Decius and Rogal Dorn when there was no real reason for him to do so, and actually bonded a little with Custodisi over the White Scars.
    • While he snarks regularly throughout the Podcast on the White Scars (including on their performance individually as a legion), in his actual summation at the end he genuinely compliments the Scars on their strengths and offers legitimate criticism and suggestions to improve on their weaknesses instead of mercilessly mocking them like you'd expect him to).
    • In Podcast #1, he forgives the entire population of Krieg based solely on the contents of a letter.
    • In Episode 26, the Star Child fragment of the Emperor is vastly more kind and benevolent, even thanking the soul of Dominique for helping him with his grand plan to convert Karamazov into an appropriate vessel.
  • Pro-Human Transhuman: He describes himself as a deity (even though he isn't one, by his own admission), but has humanity as his priority. His ideal view for humanity's endgame is, essentially, every human alive being just as advanced and powerful as he is, basking forever in the joys of being human, and wishes to bring them all to this point himself.
  • Psychic Powers: He's got telekinesis and telepathy to some extent. It seems to get stronger the longer the text-to-speech device has been implemented, though it's mostly been used to punch out people, and even then mostly just Kitten.
  • Psychopathic Manchild: For all his grumpiness, he can get overly excited with toys of mass destruction. It says a lot that his reaction to the existence of the World Engine was "Holy shit. I want one."
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: ...Sometimes. He may be a Grumpy Old Man and a Psychopathic Manchild, but often he's the sole voice of reason in the world utterly drowning in grimdark.
  • Saying Sound Effects Out Loud: Not that he has a lot of choice, being hooked up to a text-to-speech device.
  • Serious Business: He and his son Dorn started several civil wars throughout the galaxy because they couldn't agree on what day to eat tacos. He considers it a grievous crime to eat Tacos on a day that isn't an assigned Taco Day, and encourages his subjects to murder their neighbors if they don't eat Tacos on Friday.
  • Sir Swears-a-Lot: He's why this series isn't family friendly. It's unlikely he has more than one line without some curse thrown in.
  • Stop Worshipping Me: One of his first acts upon regaining ability to speak is disbanding all ways in which people worship him.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: He actually manages to sound fairly regal between the bouts of swearing and dick jokes.
  • Squee!: As close to it as he can get anyway. In Episode 26 Part 2 he announces that "It has Begun" and then erupts into a deluge of "Boy oh Boy"s when He senses that the Star-Child has possessed Fyodor.
  • Suddenly Voiced: The entire premise is that this happens to him with the implementation of text-to-speech device.
  • Surrounded by Idiots: Part of why he's such a jackass. In his defense, the secular empire devoted to logic and reason has turned into a theocratic hellhole, his bro for life Malcador's work became the Inquisition, the Imperium keeps hiring people that're Obviously Evil, his most trusted warriors have turned into Stripperiffic yes-men. It'd be weird if he didn't feel this way.
  • Survivor Guilt: Though he didn't survive very well himself, there's a vein of this in his feelings about Sanguinius. He talks shit about each and every other Primarch, but still sees Sanguinius as his ideal son...because he died for him. In spite of being mostly dead and speaking through a machine, the forlorn hope that the Sanguinor might be even just a fragment of Sanguinius is the only thing to have brought the Emperor to abject sorrow.
  • Synthetic Voice Actor: The premise. Kitten had a techpreist install a text-to-speech device in the Golden throne, and the Emperor can communicate with his subjects again.
  • Time Abyss: He's over fifty thousand years old.
  • Virtue Is Weakness: He begins Episode 26 with a monologue on the matter, saying that compassion, humanity itself, was something that was hindering him back when he was crafting the Imperium, and so he cast it aside, so it wouldn't hinder him while he was busy ruling humanity and leading it towards the stars. But now he realizes that, in this day and age, he needs it back more than ever, with the implication he's realized that might have been a mistake from the start.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Like it or not, he gets along with Magnus and Kitten a lot better than with anyone else in the Palace. If you've noticed that he constantly insults and belittles them and sometimes psychically punches Kitten... then it's still an improvement.
  • The Watson: As he's been stuck on the Golden Throne for millennia, a lot of screentime is spent on explaining the current status of the imperium and its enemies to him.
  • Wacky Parent, Serious Child: Zigzagged - For a given value of "wacky" and "serious," considering that it's not so much that he's wacky and his children are serious, but more that they're wacky and serious in different ways, sometimes. Compare his oddly childish reactions to certain things and nonstop barrage of acerbic, snarky one-liners to some of his children, such as Dorn, Magnus, and even Russ.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: While he does love humanity and their potential, he utterly loathes individuals and is intensely irritated by mortal foibles. Everything about the Imperium is an effort to ensure his ideals come to pass and he's ready to go further to better police humanity. He mentions his interest in coopting the concept of a Hive Mind from the Tyranids into humans so he can, basically, directly oversee everyone.

    The Custodian 

The Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes/Little Kitten/...Goldielocks Sunshine Graham Corncob Thomps-...
That's also a usual reaction.

Voiced by: ThunderPsyker

The current commander of the Adeptus Custodes and the personal caretaker of the Emperor of Mankind. One of the few to avoid or at least get out of the crippling insanity riddling the Adeptus Custodes, he's watching over the Golden Throne when the text-to-speech device is mounted and thus assumes the position of Emperor's companion and adviser - a job description which translates to "Butt-Monkey".

  • 24-Hour Armour: He never takes it off, apparently being worried about the reaction of his fellow Custodes. The one time he thinks about taking it off was in the remake of the first episode when he was excited at the idea of the Emperor will be able to converse with followers again before he suppresses that errant desire. In Episode 20 the Emperor forces him out of it for a minute or so. Magnus later does the same in episode 27, to "help" him change into his Captain General garb faster.
  • The Alleged Boss: Despite officially being the Captain-General, the other Custodes only follow his orders when they feel like it. Magnus and Dorn both call them out on it in episode 27.
  • Almighty Janitor: In the grand scheme of the Imperium, he's extremely low on the totem pole as far as rank goes. As the personal speaker of the Emperor, however, he's technically one of the most powerful despite this. This is on top of the fact that, due to beating Tzeentch in a card game, he technically owns the soul of Magnus The Red.
  • Ambiguously Bi: Touched upon in Episode 20, where he agrees that he was fantasizing about "big, exotic, crust covered men who have come to come and take [him] away to the lands of a thousand volcano cannons exploding in [his] face." For context, they're talking about the Salamanders and their Volcano Cannons, huge weapons that are longer than they are wide and shoot hot, white blasts from their tips. On the other hand, his great love was Shadowsun but that was "NOT FUCKING CANON", though in Episode 27 the Lockwarden implies that it is canon.
  • Ambiguously Brown: In Episode 20, the Emperor forces Kitten out of his armor to see what color his skin is when he is Mistaken for Racist. The Emperor was unbelievably angered at the thought that the post-racial society of the Imperium had descended into racism (as Kitten's comments about people finding the skin color of the Salamanders off-putting would suggest), after which Kitten explains that he's not racist against his own race, and the Imperium isn't racistnote 
    Kitten: What? Black? No I'm not, I'm... I guess you'd call it brownish? I dunno, it's just some normal skin color.
  • Animal Motifs: Cats, to an extent. His fellow Custodes call him "Little Kitten" and both his Yu-Gi-Oh battles used cat monsters as a key component.
  • Authority Equals Asskicking: If his first confrontation with Karamazov is of any indication, yes, his title of Captain-General is not only for show.
  • Badass Cape: Has a long red cape, and must have been a badass to get the job.
  • Beleaguered Assistant: To the Emperor, having to deal with his lord's grumpiness, mockery and frequent rages.
  • Badass Baritone: When he challenges Tzeentch for Magnus' soul, he suddenly gets a much deeper voice similar to the other Custodes.
  • Berserk Button: The Tau are the only thing that can make him absolutely furious. When Magnus sarcastically suggests that Kitten's plan to sneak around Nocturne under invisibility magic makes perfect sense because it's something that "the Tau would do," Kitten flips his shit and very nearly starts a fight with the Salamander guards.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: Kitten is almost always kind and polite in comparison to the rest of the cast, even up to refusing the Emperor's order to have Guilliman's life support cut. However, when truly pushed his warrior side comes out in stride, from promising to genocide the Tau, to getting fed up with the Inquisition coup and intending to just kill them all, to even assassinating the High Lords. Though the ones he killed were alien doppelgangers, he believed they were the real thing.
  • Black and Nerdy: He's Ambiguously Brown underneath his armor, and is all but stated to spend his down-time reading in the Black Library.
  • Bling of War: His armour is golden and really decorative. Most characters had taken to compare it to a golden banana. It becomes silver during his card game with Tzeentch, much to his disappointment.
  • Bondage Is Bad: Inverted, he's implied to be sexually submissive both with his fellow Custodes and Shadowsun yet he is perhaps the most sympathetic character in the main cast.
  • Bored with Insanity: As much as he doesn't want to admit it, he too went through a phase where he engaged in the same exhibitionist Camp Gay tendencies as his Custodes brothers (and secretly still wants to).
  • Boring Yet Practical: Both times he played a children's card game:
    • When he and the Emperor play, the Emperor proceeds to use super overpowered cards to summon an extremely powerful monstrosity on his side of the field on top of a ridiculously broken field spell, which are both indestructible. Kitten defeats him by returning all his cards to his hand and attacking his greatly diminished health pool (he had paid all but 100 of his health to power up his Mega Ultra Chicken).
    • Tzeentch sets up strategies that involve lengthy, drawn-out turns, creating inescapable traps, cheating with mind-reading, and revealing back-up plan after back-up plan. Kitten finally beats him by ignoring the crazy plots and just attacking directly, as Tzeentch only had a single monster in his entire deck for defense.
  • Broken Pedestal: More chipped than broken, but Kitten is nonetheless perturbed at how petty his Emperor can be and how one of the first tasks he was assigned involved euthanising Roboute Guilliman (read: one of the Emperor's most loyal Primarchs) simply because he found his Ultramarines to be annoying.
  • Butt-Monkey: Being Emperor's sole companion for a long time, he's the butt of his jokes and mockery, as he's nowhere near his lord's mental capabilities.
  • The Cavalry: Sallies to the Lords of Terra's aid when Karamazov breaks in, saving the day with the rest of the Custodes.
  • Cerebus Retcon: Episode 24 implies that Kitten's Mr. Exposition status derives from him having discovered a section of the Imperial Webway Gate that leads to the Black Library.
  • Deadpan Snarker: It takes a while, but he starts to find his footing amidst the World of Snark he's suddenly plunged into as a Servile Snarker.
  • Did You Just Flip Off Cthulhu?: He took the time to turn Tzeentch's circular questioning on him, dropped an F bomb on him, and called him a nerd, and all with absolutely zero consequences.
  • Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: He successfully challenges Tzeentch and defeats him. Granted, it was only in a children's card game. but still.
  • Dude, Where's My Respect?: Even after finding out about his true rank, his fellow Custodes still make fun of him.
  • Embarrassing Nickname: His order nicknamed him "Kitten" for undisclosed but implicitly sexual reasons. It's even used in episode titles.
  • Everyone Has Standards: While he does obey the Emperor no matter how strange or bizarre his orders are, even he finds the Emperor order to cut off Roboute Guilliman's life support appalling and tends to "forget' about it. When the Emperor demands he cut Guilliman's life support immediately, Kitten has enough and refuses to obey him.
  • Four-Star Badass: He turns out to be the Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes.
  • The Gloves Come Off: Finally has enough of it when Karamazov turns out to be completely insane. He orders the man's execution by shooting squad made of all the Custodes.
  • Grew a Spine: Starts off as a sycophant and a Yes-Man, but grows into a Servile Snarker.
  • Heroic Build: The Season 2 finale reveals he's just as well-built under that armor as the other Custodes.
  • Hidden Depths: There now exists a strong implication that he's so knowledgeable compared to the other Custodes because he's been using a path in the Imperial Webway Gate to visit the Black Library and Cegorach.
  • The Idealist: Zigzagged. He plays this role when telling the Emperor about various stupid shit, but he's also desperate to keep the Emperor happy. On the other hand, Kitten still acts the optimist even when away from the Emperor (singing while making tea for example and his faith in humanity).
  • Improbable Aiming Skills: Being a Custodes, he has inhuman marksmanship skills, which he uses during his card game with Tzeentch to shoot a flipped coin out of the air so it lands on the correct side.
  • Interspecies Romance: The Emperor suggests that Kitten once had a romance with a Tau and she left him for the Greater Good, fueling his hatred of her species. He disagrees vehemently, but the Lockwarden implies that not only did it indeed happen, but that Kitten periodically visits the Vaults beneath the palace to bemoan that break-up.
  • Mistaken for Racist: Happens in the Season 2 finale in which he reveals the Salamanders are feared for "being black" and the Emperor goes nuts on him. Turns out that he himself is black, and that he meant that the Salamanders are scary for being literally charcoal-black with glowing red eyes. He didn't even know "black" in the racial sense was a thing.note 
  • Mouth of Sauron: When Emperor's orders must be carried out, he's the one who goes around and repeats them.
  • Mr. Exposition: As the Emperor has little idea of what has happened in the last ten thousand years, Kitten is the one to bring him up to date with Imperial and other real-space topics like the various xenos races.
  • Noble Bigot: He's a nicer fellow than most in the setting, but he's about as prejudiced against xenos with special (and very personal) enmity devoted to the tau.
  • Noodle Incident: His armorless phase and his previous time serving as the Blood Games' Seek and Destroy target implied some rather unfortunate encounters with his fellow Custodes. His former relationship with a Tau is not an example because it is "NOT FUCKING CANON!"
  • "Not Important to This Episode" Camp: In episode 24 he and Magnus show up briefly after the credits only so that the viewers can learn that they've chosen to take a ship to Nocturne (instead of Magnus teleporting them) because Magnus wants to be nostalgic and have some fun.
  • Not So Above It All: Though he doesn't want to admit it, the Captain General secretly wants to engage in the same male Stripperific tendencies as his brother Custodes. It's also implied he used to, but recovered at some point.
    "Our Glorious Emperor will be able to converse with his subjects once more. And I shall be the first to speak with him! Hhhooo.... I could just... (inhale) take off my armo... NO! Calm Down! I restrained myself for millennia!"
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: The closest thing he has to a revealed name in the series is "Little Kitten", which was given to him by his now-insane comrades. His actual name intentionally obscure to obfuscate which canon Captain General he is.
  • Only Sane Man: Amidst the Custodes, he's the one not to surrender to overwhelming exhibitionist, camp and suicidal tendencies, which is probably why he became the Captain-General. Though from some of his statements on the whole situation, he likely went just as nuts as the rest of them before coming full circle.
    • Downplayed, in that a number of other sane(-ish) Custodes have also been introduced, primarily the Shadowkeepers Shield-host and their leader, Lockwarden.
  • Overshadowed by Awesome: The fact that Kitten plays The Straight Man, and is surrounded mostly by Primarchs and his insane comrades, plus his own attitude makes Kitten come off as a gold-plated butler, and average, if not short height, when he is in fact, Captain-General of the Custodian Guard, a High Lord of Terra in his own right, and a obvious badass besides. Oh and he's actually a head taller than the already superhumanly tall Space Marines. It's just that he's mostly surrounded by people of equal or even greater height anyways.
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: Being the Captain General of the Custodes does make him one of the High Lords of Terra, and apart from Decius he's the only sane one.
  • Precision F-Strike: He doesn't swear nearly as often as the Emperor, only when it's Tau or he's really surprised.
  • Real Life Writes the Plot: According to Thunder Psyker, the primary reason Kitten was written to dislike the Tau so much is because of the frustration Psyker went through beating the Tau fortress in the campaign of Dawn of War: Dark Crusade.
  • Really 700 Years Old: He's been around for eleven thousand years.
  • Seen It All: His behavior in the palatial kitchen, as two cooks battle nearby and Custodes are falling from the skies, screams this.
  • Servile Snarker: He's been learning how to play the snarking game, and starts to put it to good use in his interactions with the others, such as wondering if the Emperor was born in a gold depository, erm, the most glorious gold depository in the galaxy!
  • The Stoic: He takes all that happens surprisingly in stride, although he does exhibit emotion, to his worry.
  • Suddenly Ethnicity: Given that the Imperium is officially a post-racial society (though, as with everything Imperial, it's not universal), his ethnic background is never brought up until he is Mistaken for Racist against black people. Before Kitten can explain himself, the Emperor notes that he's black and thinks that he's racist against his own race. Kitten is rather confused by the whole concept, especially since he was grown in a tube by the Emperor.
  • Sycophantic Servant: He's not fueling Emperor's narcissism, he's pouring pure promethium on it.
  • Try to Fit THAT on a Business Card!: In Episode 23 Magnus forces him to tell him his full name, forgetting that Custodes "names" are earned as recognition for mighty deeds, and that not only is he Captain-General but he's been alive for over ten millennia (or maybe Magnus just assumed he lead too uneventful a life to have preformed any mighty deeds). He doesn't even get halfway through. His names include Goldielocks Sunshine Graham Corncob Thomps-
  • Tin Man: Played for Laughs. Many jokes are made of him being afraid, frustrated or uncomfortable despite supposedly having his emotions surgically removed.
  • Undying Loyalty: To the Imperium. While believes Magnus when he says the Emperor doesn't want him back as his caretaker, when offered the choice of serving "someone else," Kitten bluntly responds "I'm not joining Chaos you ass."
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Has shades of this with Magnus. While Magnus is just as prone to insulting Kitten when mad, Kitten isn't terrified of Magnus' wrath (barring Leman Russ-induced Hulking Out episodes) the way he is the Emperor's. Even before the two head off to "Make the Imperium Great Again," all of their scenes alone together are filled with mutual light-hearted snark. It fractures momentarily at the start of Episode 27 with their argument before Magnus is forced to flat out admit his plan involves giving the Emperor a new body.
  • Weak, but Skilled: Among the Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker decks shown in specials, his is basically this. Whereas the Emperor's is based around buffing a single Olympus Mon until it's near unstoppable, and Tzeentch's is based around manipulation through a deck where only one card is a monster, his is the most balanced, and, whereas his individual monsters are weak, they strengthen each other, and are a force to be reckoned with when fighting in tandem. Those factors, along with his strategies, allows him to best both the Emperor, and the God of Fate, in a game he only played twice.
  • Yes-Man: He rarely disagrees with the Emperor. With Character Development he is slowly moving away from this. Apparently all Custodes started developing on their own but all but he went insane from it. It's often fear of the Emperor's rage that keeps him in line nowadays as well as some of his lingering "automaton" programming.
  • Your Soul Is Mine: By winning his card game with Tzeentch, Magnus' soul is technically bound to him. Magnus absolutely refuses to acknowledge that fact.

    Magnus the Red 

Magnus the Red, Primarch of The Thousand Sons
You'll see...

Voiced by: Zegram

One of the 20 Primarchs, the genetically-modified, superhuman children of the Emperor. He was actually a Chaos Primarch, having fallen during the events of the Horus Heresy, and doesn't return until the Emperor decides to sent Ultramarines and haul him back to Terra. Now, with his soul back and protected from Tzeentch and his minions in the Imperial Palace, he brings his wit and Insufferable Genius to the arguments within the Throne Room.

  • Accent Adaptation: He gets a thick Australian accent. He goes full-on Steve Irwin in the Crotalids short.
  • Accidental Murder: Kills Vulkan with the Engine of Woes in the midst of a pain-induced frenzy. He's noticeably horrified and regretful for it despite his earlier anger. Luckily, it's Vulkan, and he doesn't mind.
  • Achey Scars: Apparently, despite being partially incorporeal, his spine still suffers the pain of when Leman Russ broke it during the Horus Heresy as shown when Vulkan gives him a crushing hug and he starts screaming in pain.
  • Admiring the Abomination: He spends most of the third podcast professing sarcastic enjoyment of the book's terrible writing. While his praise is sarcastic, he does actually enjoy the book in a "So bad it's good" way.
  • Affectionate Nickname: When in a good mood, the Emperor calls him "my little Magnymagic."
  • Anti-Villain: Was this for the Horus Heresy, as he tried to warn his father with the best of intentions and fell to Chaos only to protect his legion. Technically still is this, given that his current goal is to circumvent the Emperor to fix the Imperium in his own way.
  • A Father to His Men: One of the few Chaos Primarchs to have an overwhelmingly positive relation with his Legion (at least, the ones not loyal to Ahriman). Indeed, they're so worried after he disappeared from the after-victory party in Sortarius they actually decide to contact the Emperor to check if he knows where Magnus is.
  • A Form You Are Comfortable With: He notes on one occasion that his Primarch form isn't really his true form anymore, but uses it as it is at least a friendlier face to wear. Interestingly, it seems that keeping the form up is rather uncomfortable to him and takes a considerable amount of effort to keep up, although being a Chaos-empowered Daemon Prince from the Warp forcing order upon himself is no easy task. Later this gets downplayed, as a chance encounter with Tzeentch leads to him stuck in his Demon Primarch form from The Wrath of Magnus, complete with huge feathery wings and horns. To Magnus' horror he can't shift back.
  • Amazing Technicolor Population: The moniker "The Red" didn't come from nothing.
  • Badass Bookworm: He's one of the most powerful Primarchs in existence, daemonic or not, and also a great pursuer of knowledge.
  • Berserk Button:
    • Any mention of Leman Russ and the Space Wolves is enough to enrage him, often to the point of dropping his humanoid disguise and revealing his full, daemonic form.
      • Hell, you don't even have to mention Leman Russ. Just reminding him that his spine is broken (which it is because of Russ), or that he isn't supposed to have one in the first place, will render him in dire need of a verbal Cooldown Hug.
    • He isn't fond of being mocked when he's confused about something.
    • He's Enraged by Idiocy, to the point that reading the Imperium's stupid questions makes him quite concerned he'll sink the world into hell in a bout of rage.
    • He gets quite annoyed by Tzeentch while the latter flips his cards endlessly.
    • Cherubs. He absolutely cannot stand Cherubs, and blows them up with his psionic bolts whenever one drifts into view. Possibly a case of Everyone Has Standards.
  • The Berserker: His true form, which he unleashes when he hears anything about the Space Wolves. He doesn't remember anything afterwards.
  • Big Red Devil: His One-Winged Angel true form. Normally he restrains himself into his Primarch shape, but some topics (such as the Space Wolves) make him slip badly.
  • Break the Haughty: As of Episode 23, it's revealed that his main motivation for going behind the Emperor's back is to break Big E's towering ego, and he's going to use Kitten to do it.
  • Calling the Old Man Out: He breaks the Emperor's aura of self-satisfaction with an angry critique of his father's actions and attitude. The Emperor being the Emperor, he manages to deflect most of it, but it seems to have some effect. Magnus even got the Emperor to admit having committed some mistakes, which is otherwise impossible due to the Emperor's ego.
  • Color-Coded Characters: Red, obviously, going from his appearance to his subtitles.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle:
    • He solves his battle with several thousand inquisitors with a flick of his wrist.
    • On the receiving end of one from Kaldar Draigo, getting beaten off-screen with a single blow.
  • Deadpan Snarker: His critique of the Imperium and his father are usually dry and witty. His critique of his brother, Lenman Russ, and the Space Wolves are too plain and passionate for this.
  • Dissonant Serenity: His strongest reaction to eighty percent of the Inquisition raiding the Imperial Palace is mild annoyance at people interrupting him.
  • Easily Forgiven: By Vulkan.
    Vulkan: I but want to give my brother a great, big "I'm not mad that you ruined everything forever" hug!
    • This especially holds true considering the fact he accidentally killed him with the Engine of Woes. Vulkan doesn't seem to hold that against him in the slightest, either.
  • Enraged by Idiocy: Has major problems with people who can't readily follow his train of thought. Which is a lot of people, considering who he is, but the Imperium's brand of idiocy readily pisses him off.
  • Everyone Has Standards:
    • A more humorous example than most in Special 4. He's about to mock the fact that in Yu-Gi-Oh! a huge play can be undone with a single card, only to catch himself and remark that he runs a Red/Blue deck in Magic: The Gathering so he doesn't have the right to criticize.
    • He also can't stand Cherubs, because he thinks the idea of taking a dead baby and turning it into a flying cyborg for "aesthetics" is just plain creepy. In episode #27, after sending Kitten and his Custodes off to Mars, he blows up a Cherub that wanders into his line of sight and then mutters to himself about how "disgusting" Imperials are for keeping them around.
  • Evil Brit: What Zegram was trying to sound like, but it blended with his natural Texan accent to produce an Australian sounding one. Later episodes decided to roll with it, having him channel the warp through a didgeridoo and dropping some Aussie slang. TTS Short #8:Crotalids took it the furthest by being a massive Affectionate Parody of Steve Irwin.
  • Fatal Flaw: Much like his father, arrogance. Magnus can be utterly impossible when he's entirely committed to something, and often doesn't react well to being challenged. Tzeetch took advantage of it in the past and Magnus only seems to have somewhat learned from the experience as he's once again going behind his father's back to do what he thinks needs doing. Also Magnus' arrogance, unlike his father's, is often coupled with a bad habit of acting without thinking when he really wants to do something.
  • Greek Chorus: Serves as this for the card game during the fourth special, where he's mostly a commenting spectator, barring flipping a coin and blocking Tzeench's mind-reading abilities.
  • Heel–Face Turn: The Emperor convinces him to rejoin him, though some lingering traces of Chaos mindset remain. With that in mind, his attempt to convince Kitten to "serve somebody else" indicates that he's now carrying out an independent plan of his own. It's implied that he genuinely wants to repair the Imperium and he doesn't have any plans to go back to Chaos, so the Heel-Face Turn seems to have stuck in that sense. However, he now wants to repair it his OWN way rather than by following the Emperor's orders, and he's now using Kitten to help him. While it's still too soon to know what exactly his plans are, the very least of his goal seems to be trying to take his father down a notch or two. Finally it is revealed, after Kitten's starting to get sick of being strung along and Magnus is forced to tell him to get him back on board that Magnus intends to get his father off the Golden Throne and let him live again.
  • Hero with Bad Publicity: A key figure in the Emperor's grand plan to un-fuck the Imperium, and almost everyone aside from Kitten and Vulkan still hate him because of what happened during the Horus Heresy. Granted, everyone thinks he's still a traitor because the Emperor is deliberately keeping that information away from everyone.
  • Hulking Out: Transforms into his much larger and more dangerous Daemon Prince form when angered enough.
  • Humanoid Abomination: Despite being a Daemon Prince, an eldritch horror from the Warp that can Mind Rape anywho who so much as takes a peek upon his true visage and eats souls like candy, he keeps himself restricted in his humanoid primarch form.
    • Becomes this further thanks to Tzeentch's direct influence, growing wings and a pair of horns.
    Magnus: I have nipples on my head!
  • Hybrid Power: As a half-daemon he gets access to all the powers of a daemon and the free will of a human.
  • Hypocrite: Wins Kitten over to his side pointing out that the Emperor is a jerk for constantly berating him, yet when he's mad he treats Kitten exactly the same way the Emperor does; even when he's calm his Enraged by Idiocy tendencies tend to keep him on the verge of snapping at Kitten for every little detail. The best thing you can say is that unlike his father, so far Magnus hasn't carried out any threats of physical violence.
  • Immortal Immaturity: More than ten thousand years old, mostly into comics, motorcycles, and magical tomes that he finds more interesting the more "forbidden" they are. He's very easy for the Emperor to rile up, like a moody teenager, and steals an Imperial ship to travel with Kitten instead of just teleporting because it will be more fun.
  • Ignoring by Singing: His preferred method of dealing with tales of the Emperor's sex life is the standard "LALALALALAA!"
  • Incoming Ham: His first words in the show?
  • Inferiority Superiority Complex: Which Tzeentch exploited the everloving hell out of to make him fall the first time 'round.
  • Insufferable Genius: He's incredibly intelligent and well-educated, and you will know that a minute in conversation with him. He really does know what he's talking about.
  • Irony:
  • Jerkass Has a Point:
    • While he's only doing it to get him to listen to him after being manipulated by the Custodes to give up the caretaker position, Magnus is right bringing up the fact that Kitten, for all his loyalty to the Emperor, is still treated like a Butt-Monkey and No Respect Guy by everyone else in the setting including the Emperor, not so differently from himself Pre-Heresy.
    • While having the High Lords assassinated would probably be going too far, he is absolutely right in pointing out just how idiotic and senile they are. In all honesty, if Magnus did claim control over the Administratum as intended, he probably COULD do a better job at running it than they did.
    • Magnus is totally right that the Emperor should have told at least to Primarchs about Chaos and that not doing this pretty much caused the entire Heresy.
  • Kidnapped by the Call: He's brought into the plot by being literally kidnapped from Sortarius by the Ultramarines.
  • Large and in Charge: He's almost five meters tall and one of the Imperium's legitimate princes. Amusingly, the Emperor mocks Magnus by saying he is one of the smallest Primarchs (although canon has him as the tallest of them, or close to).note 
    • His response is to point out that his height or lack thereof is entirely his choice, and the Emperor knows it.
  • Large Ham: He's prone to go dramatic over rather small things.
  • Like Father, Like Son: He notes a lot of similarities between him and his father and is not very happy about it. Emps himself points it out, "Like fucking father, like fucking son."
  • Lust Object: He's one of these for Custodisi, though he's unaware of it due to being away from Terra for so long.
  • Manchild: He goes all giddy when gifted a Space Marine Warbike. He also tends to act as a whiny teenager whenever his father bullies him, which is often. In Special 4 he acts like a stubborn little boy when told it's time for him to leave his playmate when Tzeentch tries to pull him back into the immaterium. Tzeentch even threatens to put him into time-out.
  • Manipulative Bastard: He takes advantage of the ill-timed bargain between the Fab Custodes and Kitten and the Emperor's Bad Boss tendencies to draw Kitten away from the Emperor, and convince him to help in his mission to restore the Imperium in a way that he sees fit.
  • Mis-blamed: In-Universe, the Emperor blames Magnus for the failure of the Human Webway project and the Horus Heresy, despite Kitten noting how it was Erebus who corrupted Horus. However, when finally explaining the events of the Heresy, he's fully aware that Magnus was manipulated by Tzeentch and Horus, leading to the destruction of Prospero by the Space Wolves, and when Kitten tries to ask why he blamed Magnus earlier, he ignores the question. Additionally, when Vulkan says that he is not mad at Magnus for "ruining everything forever", Magnus shouts "THAT WAS LORGAR's FAULT!" Lorgar indeed has a bigger share of blame in this case.
  • Mr. Exposition: When it comes to daemonic and Warp-related stuff, he takes the charge.
  • My God, What Have I Done?:
    • He's genuinely horrified when he realizes just how badly Horus and Tzeentch screwed him over during the Horus Heresy.
    • He shows genuine regret when he accidentally kills Vulkan with the Engine of Woes during his pain-induced frenzy, and doesn't even try to defend himself when Corax takes note of this. Luckily, it's Vulkan.
  • Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!: Magnus's well-intentioned attempt to warn the Emperor about Horus's betrayal using psychic projection ended up annihilating the Human Webway Project, leaving the Emperor interred on the Golden Throne to prevent Terra from turning into a Daemon world and necessitating the Imperium's continued use of Warp travel, which is far more dangerous than the alternative.
  • Nice Job Fixing It, Villain!: He and a reluctant Kitten attack and kill the Terran High-Lords to gain authority over their forces. As it turns out, the High-Lords they attacked were all Xenos in disguise while the real High-Lords were stuck in a closet. Upon the release of the High-Lords, not only was Magnus now in the good graces of Decius, but the incident made the High-Lords rethink their positions in the Imperium and work toward serving humanity as a whole over themselves. Nonetheless, Magnus regards this as a personal failure (while the Emperor directly benefits from this).
  • Noblewoman's Laugh: He laughs like this in the transport ship to Nocturne because he is technically a nobleman (well, prince) and he is certainly haughty.
  • Noodle Incident: His true daemonic form is something whose existence he's too ashamed to admit. We finally get to see it in Episode 21.
  • "Not Important to This Episode" Camp: In episode 24 he and Kitten show up briefly after the credits only so that the viewers can learn that they've chosen to take a ship to Nocturne (instead of Magnus teleporting them) because Magnus wants to be nostalgic and have some fun.
  • Not So Above It All:
    • When he and Kitten leave for Nocturne, they go via spaceship. When asked why, since he could just teleport and return in an instant, Magnus snaps it's been millennia since he last used an actual ship and wants to enjoy the nostalgia while raiding the minibar, playing games and trolling daemons with his ouija board. Kitten turns out to be okay with it.
    • In the fourth podcast he's the only one willing to defend the book Inquisitor/Draco. He doesn't disagree that it's poorly constructed and consists largely of the author reveling in his various fetishes to the point that whole sections are effectively very niche porn; he's just having so much fun with the ridiculous Purple Prose that he enjoys it anyway. It helps that the actor can't read the quotes without Corpsing.
  • Older Than They Look: Ten thousand and counting, yet he's perhaps the most youthful-looking Primarch shown so far, especially when compared to Leman Russ and Rogal Dorn, who are grey-haired and fairly craggy in appearance.
  • Only Sane Man: The only one to think that melee may not be all that great in the world of heavy-ordnance cannons and railguns.
  • Precision F-Strike: The only time he cursed so far was while ranting about Russ.
  • Psychic Powers: One of the most powerful psykers in the galaxy, and the second most powerful human psyker after the Emperor himself.
  • Rage Breaking Point: When Magnus learns about Kitten losing his job as caretaker and decides to go and help, the Emperor mockingly tells him not to break everything again like last time "just as a reminder". Cue an audible *snap* and Magnus starts to plot behind Emperor's back by telling Kitten that Emps doesn't want him back.
  • Really 700 Years Old: Like all of the primarchs, Magnus was born shortly before the Great Crusade and has lived for several thousand years since.
  • Remember When You Blew Up a Sun?: Wearily asks why nobody remembers he punched one of Leman Russ' hearts into oblivion.
  • The Scapegoat: The Emperor wants him to take the blame for the disappearance of Karamazov and his entourage.
  • Shapeshifter Mode Lock: Tzeentch does this to him when he leaves the palace, forcing him into his Demon Primarch form with no ability to shift back. Magnus is terrified of the jokes his father will make about the wings.
  • Tranquil Fury: He takes his Rage Breaking Point remarkably well, as he starts to converse with Kitten over plotting against the Emperor.
  • The Unfavorite: Certainly feels like the (most) disrespected son, and given what the Emperor used to say about him, there may be a lot of truth in this.
  • Token Enemy Minority: While he is now technically aligned with the Emperor once again, he has not come to accept the Emperor's worldview, let alone the Imperium's. He's still a Chaos follower at heart, even though he does not serve the Dark Gods anymore. This is most obvious during the fourth podcast, where he gleefully trolls his father and messes with the rest of the cast by treating the awful text as So Bad, It's Good.
    • When told not to summon daemons to the throne room, he "makes no promises."
    • When Dorn asks him about Taco Tuesday vs. Taco Friday, Magnus declares Taco Tuesday to occur on Friday, enraging his father while Magnus gloats that "Choas" has prevailed in the most trollish way possible.
  • Unstoppable Rage: His fury over the Space Wolves is such that when he hears about them, he turns into an Eldritch Abomination and goes on a rampage.
  • Unwitting Pawn: Part of the reason behind his Heel–Face Turn is his realization that Horus and Tzeentch manipulated the events so that he'd have no choice but to fall.
    • Learns upon his return to the palace that he's once again become a pawn, but this time of the Emperor's grand schemes. Everything he's done up to that point, including trying to spite his father and bring him down a couple pegs has been as the Emperor planned. At least this revelation just annoys him, rather than leading him to despair.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Has shades of this with Kitten. Although Magnus clearly doesn't see Kitten as much of an equal (forgetting his name in episode 22, lying to him about the Emperor wanting him back), the two of them snark at each other a lot even before their secret alliance.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: Part of his motivations, as of Episode 23, is to do what he thinks is necessary to completely reform the Imperium from the inside out with Kitten helping him. Starting with ordering Kitten to assassinate the High Lords of Terra. Given the nature of this show, the results of his "extremism" are of course played for laughs and have not turned out the way he intended. His plan turns out to be restore the Emperor to his flesh and blood form... Using potentially corrupted Dark Mechanicus technology.
  • Winged Humanoid: Tzeentch forcibly morphs him into his updated Daemon Prince form in Special 4, complete with wings. He soon realizes that he can't turn back, and fears that The Emperor will make chicken puns at his expense. - something that the Emperor indeed does upon his return.
  • You Didn't Ask: He knew that Rogal Dorn was still alive (though not where), but didn't tell the Emperor under the assumption that he knew as well.


Ecclesiarch/Manclesiarch Decius XXIII, Keeper of The Imperial Faith
Watch that hat, it's about to go flying...

Voiced by: Kochiha Ichihara

The Ecclesiarch (later known as Manclesiarch) AKA the man in charge of maintaining the Imperial Faith, which makes him rather redundant once the Emperor decides to disband both the Ecclesiarchy and the Inquisition. Despite this little obstacle, he continues working for the good of the Imperium.

  • Arch-Enemy: Seems to consider Karamazov this. Just as it is in 40k canon Decius' hatred of Karamazov is a result of the matter of supposedly-Chaos-influenced preacher, Icarael of Salem Proctor, and Karamazov's burning the boy alive after six months of torture despite an equally long duration of repeated attempts by both the Ecclesiarchy and even other Inquisitors' demanding to see him. It went downhill when Karamazov finally let them see Icarael...when he was already a charred corpse.
  • Ascended Extra: In Warhammer 40000 lore, he's only been mentioned once in a Codex (that has long since been outdated) for the sole purpose of providing additional fluff for Fyodor Karamazov. In this series, he has an important role in the first and second seasons.
  • Barrier Warrior: He can make an energy shield with Rosarius. "The Emperor Protects!" It can keep out gunfire and grenades, but unfortunately, it is useless against "the funky monkey" technique.
  • Butt-Monkey: The High Lords of Terra seem to love messing with him. He suspects them of sending the "disband the Ecclesiarchy" message and they knock him out with an old shoe like it's par for the course.
  • Cool Hat: Inverted in-universe - everyone considers his Ecclesiarch headpiece to be a new low in terms of awful hats.
  • Everyone Has Standards: Given that he's an Only Sane Man, he's often outraged, disgusted or horrified by the acts of the people around him.
    • Two examples from the podcast on "Inquisitor": firstly, when they discuss Jaq's band of misfits stowing away aboard a Black Ship by claiming they are investigating a slavery ring that is abducting psychic children from the ships, he mentions that he really hopes he's reading too much into the book when he considers the "foul" implications it's offering. Second, he lets out a quietly horrified little "what?" when he learns that many of Boy's siblings were trampled to death whilst working on the pilgrimage line in the Imperial Palace.
  • Foil: To Karamazov in their approach to the Emperor's missive.
  • Good Shepherd: He tries to protect the Imperial Palace even when it's being attacked by the Inquisition.
  • Grumpy Bear: Living in a World Gone Mad clashing with trying to be a responsible adult produces this.
  • High Priest: His job was pretty much the equivalent to this before the Ecclesiarchy was disbanded.
  • Humanity Is Superior: Seems to be his mindset after the Emperor's reveal as he insists on calling Emps the "Man-Emperor of Mankind" because the gods of this verse are lame, crazy and/or ugly.
  • The Immodest Orgasm: When Emperor outlines his vision of humanity, Decius has a shout of high theological pleasure.
  • Irony: As Ecclesiarch of the Imperial Cult, in theory he embodies the utter perversion of the Imperial Truth and the Emperor's most basic ideals. In actuality, he's turned out to be one of the few Imperial leaders so completely devoted to the Emperor that he's willing to drastically reform his entire worldview to comply with the Emperor's true wishes.
  • Just You And Me And My Guards: Tries to pull this off on Karamazov during their first on-screen confrontation, but Karamazov has guards too.
  • Long List: As part of his Rousing Speech about how Humanity Is Superior to the gods and the Emperor is the greatest of humans, he name checks every other currently active godlike entity in the galaxy with a pithy quote as to why they suck.
  • Modest Orgasm: Seeing the Emperor with his own eyes puts him in what could be religious ecstasy.
  • My Friends... and Zoidberg: Defied at the end of his Long List of gods and why they're inferior to the Emperor in regards to Malal.
    "He doesn't exist, shut up!"
  • Nervous Wreck: Being the only sane Lord of Terra has taken its toll on him, as other High Lords note at one point.
  • Nice Hat: Decius gets touchy when people insult his hat.
  • Not a Morning Person: When Karamazov invades the palace, he sees Decius in his pajamas, with a large cup of coffee and grumpier than usual.
  • Only Sane Man:
    • The only High Lord of Terra to have a solid grasp on reality.
    • In the Slaaneshmaas special, he's the only one to point out that not only is Lucius' show bad, it also ruins centuries of Imperial propaganda to keep the existence of demons a secret.
  • Rated M for Manly: After the Emperor told him to stop calling him a god, he seems to be trying to replace his religious terminology with phrasing that praises the Emperor's manliness (and to consciously use his stronger Rousing Speech voice when doing so).
    "Oh my Holy Emp-, *cough* - I mean, OH BY MY MANLY MANPEROR!"
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: Likely the most reasonable of everyone in the Imperial Palace, period, and he works his best to stop Karamazov.
  • Rousing Speech: Gives one about how the Emperor is better than a god because he is human.
  • Selective Obliviousness: When he completely fails to notice Magnus standing right in front of him, the Primarch suggests that he's been conditioned to block out any proof of Chaos.
  • Send in the Clones: The Ecclesiarchy seems to be composed of dozens upon dozens of Decius' clones.
  • Something Else Also Rises: His hat is a good indicator of his arousal.
  • Throw the Book at Them: His and his retinue's main weapon against Karamazov and his inquisitorial task force is an absurd number of holy texts they just keep throwing at them. It's surprisingly effective for a while.
  • Undying Loyalty: Continues to support the Imperium even after he's fired and his entire belief is invalidated by the man he has believed to be a god. It's this loyalty that convinces the Emperor to put him in charge of the soon-to-be restored Ecclesiarchy and Inquistion.
  • Vocal Evolution: His voice goes from Tommy Lee Jones-esque grumbling to the kind of tone associated with many a Rousing Speech. Episode 23 even pokes fun of this, with him speaking with his first voice, before coughing and then continuing with his second. And in the third podcast, his gruff and grumbly voice returns every time he has to say something he really hates saying.

     The Custodes 

The Custodes, The Guardians of The Emperor.

The Emperor's personal bodyguards, some of the greatest and best-equipped warriors in the galaxy. However, their grief at their master's internment on the Golden Throne and the centuries of isolation have left them somewhat... peculiar, to say the least.

The Fabulous Custodes

Voiced by: Tim Scott (Karstodes), Captain Princess (Custodisi), Alfabusa (Whamuudes), Antfish (Diavodes), Takahata101 (Santodes)
Your Awkward and Trippy presence is not required.
The fabulous custodes are the ones we see the most often - in particular a trio called Karstodes, Custodisi and Whammudesnote , nicknamed "Fabulous Custodes" after their introductory episode. Then there's Santodes, who, after being briefly mentioned in Episode 12.5, is revealed to have been interred into a dreadnought.. and that did absolutely nothing to calm his fabulousness.
  • A Date with Rosie Palms: Dates of this nature are indulged but "Only on Thursdays". Kitten is distinguished from them by not partaking.
  • All There in the Manual: The names of the three Fab Custodes are only found in video descriptions and the end credits, though later videos show their names as part of the subtitles.
  • Ax-Crazy: While Custodisi feels bombing Terra is an effective method of squashing rebellion, Whamuudes takes outright joy in it and would really like to "kill all the normals." When called out on this, his only defence is "Don't kinkshame me!"
    • It should be noted that the one and only time so far that Whammudes has had his heart warmed by something Boy has done is hearing the young Vox-Serf express murderous bloodlust towards the protagonist of an absolutely awful piece of literature.
  • Badass Gay: They're a Badass Army of huge, well-armed Macho Camp supersoldiers that makes Space Marines look like normal humans in comparison.
  • Beware the Silly Ones: Karamazov sees them as a bunch of exhibitionist idiots, but they prove to be more than even his throne can take, and not in the way you may think. They're also able to fend off Magnus in his true Daemon Primarch form for a short time, at least until Kitten can summon Kaldor Draigo.
    • This is justified with the revelation that they are in fact Tribunes and Shield Captains (the deadliest among the Custodes hilariously enough).
  • Catchphrase: Karstodes always refers/addresses the Emperor as "Our Glorious Overlord" while Custodisi says "mmyes/yes" a lot when talking to the Emperor.
  • Divergent Character Evolution: They started out as being, essentially, The Trividual, but over time, and especially after stumbling into the Black Library and partaking in the podcasts, have grown to be separate characters.
  • Double Entendre: Their lines are filled up to brim with it.
    • Though Whammudes, in particular, seems to skip the subtext and go straight to single entendres and is far more obvious about his... hobbies
    "Ready to be opened up like a tube of lotion on Emperor's day!"
  • Dumbass Has a Point: The Emperor complains about the Custodes general lack of knowledge of the Imperium, but the Custodian he complains to points out that that sort of knowledge isn't actually in their job description.
  • Even the Guys Want Him: The only people not to be aroused by Fab Custodes are the Emperor, Karamazov and Kitten.
  • Everyone Has Standards: As Macho Camp as they are, even they are disgusted by just how depraved the Slaanesh forces are. And as unprofessional and self-absorbed as they are, they are still none too pleased by the Inquisitors they find harassing Terra's citizens.
    • Custodisi and Whammudes openly call out the Emperor for his asinine actions during the events of The Last Church.
    • Karstodes may be the most unpleasant of the trio, having a dim view of normal humans, but even he takes umbrage with Whammudes' constant desire to orbitally bombard innocent civilians.
    • Karstodes was hesitant to let Helbecht hurt Boy after the latter gave him a heartfelt compliment. Keep in mind that the compliment flustered Karstodes and he wasn't sure how to react to it and started making his insults towards Boy in a half-hearted manner.
    • Whammudes can't bring himself to be his usual self during the Vox-Cast review of Inquisitor, instead letting his voice positively ooze with disgusted contempt for its author and a general sentiment of "I wish I weren't here right now".
  • Exposed to the Elements: When rendezvousing with Ultramarines on some ice world, they wear the same next-to-nothing they do in the Imperial Palace, and seem only marginally bothered with cold. Justified, as they're super-soldiers.
  • Flanderization: Inverted. The Custodes started off as one-dimensional Macho Camp Pillar Men expies, and were mostly used for jokes. However, later episodes introduced other Custodes characters that, while still effete, had more reserved personalities (and had clothes on), while the personalities of the original ones were explored in greater depth. In terms of appearance at least, this is a case of Real Life Writes the Plot, as during the show Games Workshop actually developed the Adeptus Custodes into a full-fledged tabletop army (which was no longer half-naked).
  • Four-Star Badass: Part of the job description as Tribunes, although it has been a while since they commanded anything in all likelihood.
  • Go Mad from the Isolation: It's implied that the reason for their insanity is their prolonged isolation in the Imperial Palace.
  • Infectious Insanity: While they are already insane, they also feed off each other as seen in the Black Templar podcast. Once one of them starts to lose it, they all do.
  • It's All About Me: They cared more about an opportunity to take the position of Caretaker from Kitten than potentially the deaths of everyone in the Palace, themselves included during Magnus' rampage.
  • Large Ham: All of them but special mention goes to Santodes. Not even death could calm the Dreadnought's spirit.
    Kitten: I hadn't realized you were awake, Santodes.
  • Leitmotif: "Awaken" from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, and later a remix of it titled "Awaken My Quivering Abs".
  • Macho Camp: They're ridiculously well-muscled, walk around almost-naked all the times, and drop very, very transparent clues at being more than a little interested in each other. This extends to all of the Custodes, with even the younger generations still dropping entendres left and right and are just as homoerotic as their predecessors, even if they remain fully-clothed.
  • Madden Into Misanthropy: All of them to some extent despise normal humans. Custodisi and Karstodes take turns defending or hating on them while Whammudes has the lowest regard for them. He often expresses disinterest and lack of empathy for people subjected to mass sterilizations and orbital bombardments. In fact, Whammudes goes insane in the Black Templar podcast and declares that they should kill all the "normals" and even asks the Emperor to make him an Inquisitor so that he can use cyclonic torpedoes on the people. Despite this, when the Inquisition attacks Terra, they are all willing to jump in and protect the people.
  • Mildly Military: They're supposed to be an army of super-soldiers, but they don't even know who their commanding officer is - and don't really care, either. Not to mention their uniform standards. It also turns out that they're Tribunes, the elite-of-the-elite among the custodians. Of the three, Karstodes is the only one identified with a rank; specifically, shield-captain.
  • Mr. Exposition: With Kitten currently off doing his own thing with Magnus, Karstodes seems to have taken over this role as of Episode 23 in talking about the Space Wolves. Though the only reason why he was able to serve this role is because he threatened the information out of Kitten. In Episode 24 Custodisi has some information about Jaghatai Khan's actions during the battle of Terra and where he ran off to, but knows nothing about the White Scars' present state and can't find Kitten to torture.
    • In the podcasts, Wammudes is usually the one who reads from the books acquired from the Black Library, while the others discuss his quotations.
  • O.O.C. Is Serious Business: Custodisi and Whammudes are so traumatized by their meeting with Cegorach in the Webway that they lose their ridiculous flamboyance and act relatively normal. This continues into the podcast about the White Scars, where Custodisi, in particular, ends up taking on the role of The Straight Man against the Emperor and Rogal Dorn's more wackier antics.
  • Older Than They Look: Looking at the Custodes physiques, it's easy to forget that they were active combatants before the Horus Heresy. This would put every single Custodes around the tune of over 10,000 years old. The only reason this makes sense is that they're genetically engineered super-soldiers specifically made to last a really long time.
  • Perpetually Shiny Bodies: Their abs are constantly oiled. The Emperor threatens to throw a match at them one day, and Horus does that in April Fool's episode, setting them on fire.
  • Pet the Dog:
    • Custodisi takes the time to comfort Whammudes when they're being menaced by Cegorach outside the Black Library and Whammudes is terrified to tears of the Laughing God, even though he's quite clearly barely keeping it together himself.
    • They also manage to pull a minor Big Damn Heroes moment when they rescue a Terran citizen from a group of Inquisitors.
    • Karstodes begins to treat Boy better after the kid gives him a compliment. He still insults him but in a more half-hearted manner.
    • In Episode 27, while Dorn is talking about the War of the Beast to the Emperor, Karstodes takes the time to complement one of the Imperial Fists who led the defence of the Imperium against the Beast, Slaughter, even going so far to sing a miniature theme song about him. Particular noteworthy in comparison to his withering contempt of the Black Templars, some of Dorn's OTHER sons.
  • Please Put Some Clothes On: The Emperor asks them about this every time he sees them. They pretend not to hear him.
    • Episode 27 reveals that most of the younger Custodes actually wear their armour, it's just that the Companions took their master's enthronement a bit hard. They're still willing to strip if asked, and Lockwarden considers wearing "slick, black, gold-trimmed Allarus Temrinator Armor" to be just as erogenous as being naked.
  • Professional Butt-Kisser: Technically, they should all be. In practice, Karstodes is the biggest one in this regard as can be observed during the Last Church podcast; he agrees with the Emperor on every last thing and snaps at anyone that dares offend him, to the point of defenestrating a techpriest that called the Emperor an asshole.
    • The other Custodes subvert this to varying degrees. Whammudes at the very least acknowledge that the Emperor was an asshole during the events of the Last Church, and Custodisi thoroughly subverts the trope by openly calling the Emperor out on his actions and even playing Devil's Advocate on behalf of Uriah before the Emperor calls him from the Warp. Arguably, Custodisi is even less sycophantic than Kitten himself at this point.
  • Puzzlement About Payment: During the Q&A segment in the second episode of If the Emperor Had a Podcast sub-series, Karstodes is shown to not know what "pay" and "money" mean, believing them to be made-up words. That neither of his fellow Fabulous Custodes bother to say anything or even snicker in response strongly implies that this is true of them both as well, and possibly even the rest of the Custodian Guard.
  • Sanity Slippage: During the Emperor's crusade, they were his companions and finest warriors armed with the greatest armour and weapons the Imperium could muster. By the time the Emperor can start talking again, however, they've degraded to a bunch of barely dressed hedonists who spend all day just goofing off around the imperial palace and oiling their very muscular bodies. They also have periods of extremely manic behaviour which may have been on going for a while. Who knows what their original personalities were, but they are certainly different now. Also, it's possible that the Emperor regaining the ability to talk may occasionally make them worse since they, like Kitten and the rest of Imperium, fell into worship of their Lord. Now they are faced with a broken man that no longer resembles the man they remember (both due to them misremembering who he was and what his goals were and because the Emperor's mind is so fractured as to be unrecognizable). Custodisi has it the worst having been considered the "boring and mundane" one of the three. By the time the Black Templar podcast rolls around he is so frustrated with the Emperor's hypocrisy and inability to own up to it that he starts screaming how he has to guard "a screaming corpse on a Throne". Mind you, the term "corpse" is often used by traitors, heretics, and xenos to refer to the Emperor and is considered a grievous insult.
  • Shout-Out: Their names are based on three of the Pillar Men from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, and even their sprites are just Custodes heads from WH40K artwork that was photoshopped onto the three namesake Pillar Men's bodies. In one of the Q&A videos, Kitten implies the Custodes associated with the last Pillar Man (Santodes) was the Custodes who, unable to withstand a mere mortal upstaging him by standing between the Emperor and Horus in the Vengeful Spirit, almost killed himself unnecessarily by throwing himself at Horus shortly after (a later episode showed he survived the encounter, but was mortally wounded and is now stuck in Fabulous Custodes Pattern Dreadnought Armor). A fifth Custodes (Diavodes), this one based on the villain Diavolo of the same manga, loiters around the Imperial Palace.
  • Smug Super: In the If the Emperor had a Podcast sub-series the Fab Custodes make it clear that they think that the citizens of the Imperium are far, far below them and Karstodes refers to Boy, the vox-serf, as "it" and finds him obnoxious. Whammudes and Custodisi talk about modifying Boy as if he were a tool rather than a person.
    • There is a limit, at least with Karstodes, who opposes bombarding Terran citizens from orbit as it's not "arguing hard opinions" about turning to Chaos.
  • Stripperiffic: They are Walking Shirtless Scenes who wear nought but loincloths, helmets and some accessories, in contrast to Kitten's perpetual full-body armour. They also flatly refuse to wear any proper clothing, even when the Emperor himself commands it.
  • Testosterone Poisoning: Their muscles have muscles and this is played for as many laughs as possible. Santodes takes this to a full parody, with his Dreadnought being a shirtless, musclebound, long-haired hyper-masculine hunk.
  • Warts and All: Custodisi and Whammudes both acknowledge their ultimate loyalty to their lord, but after reading The Last Church, they have little illusions about him and outright call him an asshole.
  • What the Hell, Hero?: The Emperor calls them out on sitting in the Palace and procrastinating while the Imperium dies around them, and promptly kicks them out to do something useful.
    • In the podcasts, they end up taking this stance against the Emperor after they hear about The Last Church and other infamously hypocritical events in the Imperium's early history, which isn't helped by the Emperor's refusal to admit his shortcomings. In The Black Templars, Dorn's Angry Boys, Custodisi seems to take particular umbrage with the Council of Nikea and launches into a tirade about it.


  • Book Dumb: Out of the trio Karstodes is the only one who can't read, something Whamuudes and Custodisi give him grief over and Karstodes tries to compensate for.
    • As of the third Podcast, he seems to have started to overcome this by learning to read. If only he could read the right book.
  • Borrowed Catchphrase: In the third podcast Episode 2: The Black Templars, Dorn's Angry Boys Karstodes makes "[boy noises]" when the Emperor allows everyone to point and laugh at him for not knowing how to read.
  • Hypocrite: After spending the third podcast constantly making nasty passive-aggressive remarks about the Black Templars to get a rise out of Rogal, he gets upset and calls out Custodisi for being a Servile Snarker himself.
  • Hypocritical Humor: Karstodes claims to be utterly disgusted by the daemons of Slaanesh. This coming from a guy who never wears any armour on and all but oozes Camp Gay tendencies. The Emperor doesn't even bother to humour the trope.
  • Jerkass: He is a complete asshole towards the Boy for no good reason. He also takes every opportunity to rib on Rogal Dorn for the behaviour of the Black Templars. Though this is balanced by the fact that he does NOT tolerate genocidal tendencies towards regular humans, unlike Whammudes.
  • Know-Nothing Know-It-All: Karstodes acts like a smug asshole, taking credit and "calling it" on topics he knows nothing about such as the White Scars or what the topic of the Podcast will be and rubs it into Adornable's face.
  • Manchild: Karstodes acts more like a snotty boy and a bully, picking on Boy for absolutely no reason other than he can and likes pushing Adornable's buttons to see what he can get away with. Nobody likes him for it but they all have to put up with it.


  • Abhorrent Admirer: He has made several passes towards Magnus (thought the latter has not been around to become aware of this). The Emperor however is, and responds by first slapping him around, then literally slapping him with a restraining order, threatening to dangle his lower regions in front of Skarbrand, and finally deleting him from existence.
  • Badass Mustache: Custodisi claims to have a magnificent one underneath his helmet.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Surprisingly, after his personality is "normalized" by his traumatic encounter with Cegorach, Custodisi starts developing these tendencies every so often in the White Scars podcast.
  • The Generic Guy: The Emperor considers Custodisi "the unnotable middleman" who leaves only a fraction of the impression of the other two and overall the least conspicuous. This is probably the reason why the Emperor gets along with or at least tolerates his presence more than the other two. This Becomes a case of disrespect when the trio are revealed to be Tribunes (the second-in-commands to the Captain-General. However during the Podcast sub-series he starts developing a characterization of his own, the less debauch (toward the Emperor) and more sarcastic member of the trio, making comments when he can, though he eventually also shows an attraction toward Magnus that borders on and exceeds sexual harassment that completely disgusts the Emperor due to their pseudo-filial relationship.
    Custodisi: "Yes, I'm pretty mundane aren't I?"
  • Insistent Terminology: He always refers to the Horus Heresy as the Horus Humbug.
  • Servile Snarker: As a part of his Character Development Custodisi goes from the boring generic one to this, especially after the second podcast. He opens comments and jokes about Whammudes and the codex of the day they found in the Black Library and even going against the Emperor. He plays the Devil's Advocate for Uriah and still feels that the Emperor is a huge asshole even when Uriah is shown as a Chaos Priest. It took Kitten a while to disobey the Emperor while it only takes Custodisi two podcasts to admit the Emperor is an asshole for what he did.
  • Uncertain Doom: While The Emperor says "Delete" after Custodisi makes one too many passes at Magnus, it's not clear what he actually did to him.


  • Achievements in Ignorance: his over-greased sliding around leads him to accidentally falling through the Webway portal and discovering the one part that leads straight to the Black Library.
  • Everyone Has Standards: Misanthropy and status as a Cloud Cuckoo Lander Fabulous Custodes aside, even he's disgusted by the Inquisitor Draco novel.
  • Madness Mantra: Whammudes' hatred of the "normals" overwhelms him to the point he is reduced to chanting "Maim! Kill! Burn!" at one point.
  • Transhuman Treachery: Whammudes has a fairly disturbing outburst near the end of the Black Templars podcast where he blames all of the Imperium's woes and flaws on the "normals" being utterly imperfect, and goes full Khornate in wanting them all bombarded to hell. Even Karstodes blew up at him for that.
  • Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: After meeting Cegorach, clowns. An offhanded mention of clowns in episode 27 is enough to make him jump in fright.


The answer to the question "What if one of the Fabulous Custodes became a dreadnought?", Santodes ended up in his current state after he "heroically" sacrificed himself by jumping between Horus and the Emperor. After having removed his armour. And after Kitten had pointed out that a random guardsman had just done the same thing.

Kitten (reluctantly) calls upon him to provide heavy support during his mission to Mars.

  • Agent Peacock: Santodes features glorious locks of wavy golden hair and demands that he be oiled and his locks be hydrated before he'll join Kitten on his mission.
  • Brick Joke: The first time Santodes is mentioned, it was in episode 12.5 with Kitten bringing him up as having followed the seemingly random guardsman in pulling a Heroic Sacrifice to save the Emperor. 14 episodes later, it handily explains why he's now in a Dreadnought.
  • Bishounen Line: His Dreadnought shell is remarkably statuesque compared to the other models the Custodes use and has a head of flowing locks, to the point where it's be difficult to tell he's not just an exceptionally large Custodes.
  • Incoming Ham: Kitten is standing around berating some sleepy dreadnoughts being unable to wake up, despairing that he needs brawn for his mission. This is responded to by an offscreen Santodes
    "Did somebody say... BRAWN"?
  • Nice Guy: Uniquely among the Fabulous Custodes, he actually seems to respect Kitten, saying that it's good to hear his voice, and giving him constructive criticism upon seeing him without his armour on. He also agrees with Lockwarden that the Shadowkeepers black terminator armour is awesome.
  • Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: While it's completely one-sided, Kitten seems to have particular animosity for him, going by his tone of voice and frustrated responses. And if the implication it was Kitten that suggested he jump in front of Horus way back when is true, the animosity's been there for quite a while.

Lockwarden, Shield-Captain of the Shadowkeepers Shield-Host

Voiced by: Connor McKinley (Lockwarden)

Responsible for guarding and containing the secrets buried beneath the Imperial Palace, including dealing with ancient dark-tech abominations, Lockwarden and his men are among the sanest members of the Custodes, to the point that they all wear armour.

Lockwarden himself actually treats the Captain-General with the respect he deserves, and is apparently his go to guy when he needs comforting after (totally not canon) break ups.

  • Nice Guy: Lockwarden not only treats Kitten with respect, but is happy to give him a shoulder to cry on and encouragement to move on after Shadowsun broke up with him.
  • Only Sane Employee: Lockwarden and his men appear to be the only group of Custodes that don't have any major mental issues or flaws. It helps that they have to actually deal with dangerous abominations on a daily basis, meaning they actually had something to keep them occupied.
  • Sunglasses at Night: The Lockwarden wears a permanent set of sunglasses even while patrolling the lightless Vaults underneath the Palace. Half of his dialogue ends with a sunglasses-wearing-emoji.

Hammurabi Unferth, Shield-Captain of the Emissaries Imperatus Shield-Host

Voiced by: Randolph Carter

Leader of the Heralds of the Golden Throne, master of the guilt-trip, extremely passive-aggressive, and evidence that, simply because a Custodes decided to keep wearing his armour, doesn't mean he's completely sane.

Called upon by the Captain-General to help with negotiations during his mission to Mars.

  • Only One Name: Notably averted. While all Custodes do have more than one name (due to them gaining additional ones for performing great deeds), he is the only one besides Kitten who has had more than one of his names revealed, and is the only one to regularly use more than just one name.
  • Passive-Aggressive Kombat: He hasn't had a single line that wasn't oozing with passive-aggressiveness, apparently brought on by becoming a master of the guilt-trip.

     The Centurion/Rogal Dorn 

The Centurion/"Adorable"/Rogal Dorn/"Adornable", Primarch of The Imperial Fists
And his name is... 

Voiced by: SuperAnchors

The Primarch of the Imperial Fists legion. Initially disguised as a Centurion who helped calm the Emperor's rage after seeing the dreadknight, he revealed himself to prevent the accidental releasing of Magnus the Red's rage at the mention of the Space Wolves. He has since become a steadfast, and for the Emperor, an exasperating and inescapable presence within the Golden Throne's chamber.

  • 24-Hour Armour: Prior to his reveal in episode 20, he was never seen without his Centurion suit of power armor. Even after his true identity is revealed, he still wears the armor, but usually takes off the helmet.
  • Affectionate Nickname: "Adorable"/"Adornable" is refered to as "Dadorable" by Boy, the vox-serf, as the Imperial Fist is the only one who actually tries to watch over him and protect the boy from the bullying of the Fab Custodes.
  • Ambiguous Disorder: His odd speech patterns, sense of humour, intense passion for fortifications, and seeming inability to understand metaphors are reminiscent of Asperger's Syndrome and a few other mental conditions.
  • An Arm and a Leg: His left hand dropped off from overuse of the Pain Glove, and was turned into the Imperial Fists' most sacred relic. He doesn't want it back now.
  • Badass Mustache: Rogal has a very impressive muttonchop-mustache adorning his fuzzy face.
  • Berserk Button:
    • One of the few things that upset him (even if only mildly, the fact it upsets him to start with is notable) is apparently smashing perfectly serviceable furniture for the sake of a cheap slapstick gag.
      THAT is something I CAN NOT forgive.
    • He disapproves of the information on the White Scars found in Chapter Approved: Book of the Astronomican during the podcast, condemning it as a terrible and inaccurate record and pointing out how dumb several of the details are, like how the Scars call their apothecaries "medics" and how they keep an entire company that only consists of three squads with no captain or commander (while also plagiarizing the name of the Soul Drinkers, rightfully pointing out the real Soul Drinkers are a successor chapter of the Imperial Fists.)
      • His Rage Breaking Point comes with the idea that any astartes chapter would create space marines out of navigators, deeming it a waste of priceless gene-seed to create space marines that are permanently restricted to a non-combat role aboard starships. He actually criticizes the Emperor for trying to defend the idea, speaking in an uncharacteristically harsh tone of voice, and Whammudes has to quickly break up the confrontation.
    • In the Black Templars podcast, it becomes painfully clear how much he outright hates the Black Templars for their Ax-Crazy attitudes, being reminded very unpleasantly of Sigismund, the original Black Templar who betrayed everything Rogal and the Fists as a whole stood for when he abandoned a critical mission due to the words of a Mad Oracle(to the point he outright calls Helbrecht Sigismund at several points). All the more worse considering they're one of his own Space Marine chapters. Though he does soften up towards them a little, or at least to Helbrecht, near the end.
    • He also started the Dorn Heresy over an argument about which day tacos should be consumed on.
  • Big "NO!": Has a big one when the Boy learned of the word "pussy" (although he pronounced it "gussy"). He has a smaller one (but still much more emotive than his usual "no") when the Boy said he can stay alive for a week drinking his own blood.
    • His first word in the series is this in fact, when the Emperor asks about the Space Wolves.
  • Blunt Metaphors Trauma: When he attempts to use metaphor to describe the Emperor as The Chessmaster, his analogy is so basic and amateur that it elicits groans from those present, especially since he's especially worried he's being too esoteric to be followed.
    The Emperor: Wow. Baby's first metaphor.
  • Blunt "Yes": Blunt "No"s, too, both are a specialty of his. He's simply too straightforward to even ponder a question or consider giving a different answer.
  • Brutal Honesty: Just like the Emperor remembers, he doesn't hold back when it comes to telling the truth, even if it's both ill-timed and terribly insulting to the Emperor. He's similarly blunt and direct about positive things, like how much he loves him.
  • Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Despite being more than a little off in the head, he's still a primarch. He fought off Abbadon's first Black Crusade about eight thousand years ago, and when Magnus went into true form rage mode he threw up a fortified mini-bunker out of psyker-resistant metal in about a minute.
  • Catchphrase: "No". Keep in mind that the same soundclip is used nearly every time for this line.
  • Chekhov's Gunman: Appears in the first few episodes with no speaking roles, reappears in the second questions video entirely to calm down the Emperor (again, without speaking), and THEN appears in the season 2 finally, this time finally speaking up to reveal he is actually Rogal Dorn.
  • The Comically Serious: His straight-faced demeanor, utter ignorance of metaphors and sarcasm, and general refusal to consider anything but the base truth paints him as this in this particular interpretation of the WH40K universe. And then there's his job as the Emperor's teddy bear to calm him down and prevent enormous warp storms, which he takes very, very seriously (seemingly without realizing the Emperor fired him from this job once he found out).
    The Emperor: Damn it, Rogal, I know. Stop being as sensible as a piece of wood, you fistless sack of sassy sauce.
    Rogal: There is no such sauce product...
  • Cooldown Hug: Giving the Emperor those is his primary job. However, upon the grand reveal of his true identity, The Emperor would like to have him as far away as possible.
  • Creative Sterility: Any tactic beyond building or smashing down walls requires him to use the Pain Glove to come up with a solution, as the agonizing torture will at least give him alternate ideas.
  • Crippling Overspecialization: His general response to a threat is to immediately resort to siege tactics, both offensively and defensively. He has trouble with doing anything outside of smashing or building fortifications. Coming up with anything more creative has him relying on the Magic Pain Glove to give him a solution, and even accepting a shift like adapting the Codex Astartes required him to spend seven days in agonizing torture.
  • The Cuckoolander Was Right:
    • He's certainly a bit strange but he was VERY right in trying to keep the Emperor and Kitten from mentioning and praising the Space Wolves around Magnus.
    • He's also right about it being possible to end Chaos: as powerful as it is, Chaos still needs the thoughts and emotions of living things to sustain itself, so if all life in the galaxy were to suddenly die, Chaos would cease to exist.
  • Cuteness Proximity: Is so cute that he can calm the Emperor down from shitting Warp Storms. That is until he reveals his true identity as Rogal Dorn, after which the Emperor cancels their nightly cuddle sessions.
  • Deadpan Snarker: For someone whose entire character up until this point revolves around Literal-Mindedness and Brutal Honesty to the extreme, he drops some excellent quips in Episode 23. In Episode 25, the Emperor expresses his hate for his constant sass-blasting.
  • Death by a Thousand Cuts: His constant overuse of the pain gauntlet caused his hand to fall off.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: He opens up his story of what happened with the Imperial Fists after the Horus Heresy with "Once upon a time, I was me."
  • Dramatic Unmask: Does this at the end of season 2, taking off his helmet and revealing his true identity.
  • Everyone Has Standards: He doesn't like the Black Templars, even though they are a Successor chapter to the Imperial Fists, as they are a bunch of absolute lunatics, hence they don't have the word "Fists" in their name.
  • Fluffy the Terrible: His Wall Name is "Adorable," which doesn't quite impose the gravitas of one of the most powerful beings in the entire Imperium who is also running around in a massive suit of siege power armor.
  • Foreshadowing: His interest in Q&A session and him being of Imperial Fists are the only clues you'll get that he's none other than Rogal Dorn. He also tries to stop them from discussing the Space Wolves, which slams Magnus' Berserk Button, triggers a rampage of his true form, indirectly puts the Fab Custodes as the Emperor's caretakers, and sends Kitten straight into Magnus' web.
  • Freudian Slip: Refers to Helbrecht as Sigismund several times during the voxcast.
  • Generation Xerox: As heard in Podcast 3, his admittedly rare Big "NO!" is identical to his father's in His prime.
  • Gentle Giant: He might be clothed in one of most powerful suits of armour of the Imperium, but his job is essentially Emperor's teddy bear. In the podcasts, he also acts as a parental figure to the vox-serf Boy, and defends him from the others' abuse.
  • Given Name Reveal: Enough to be a season-end Wham Line and Cliffhanger.
  • Gosh Darn It to Heck!: He finds the Emperor having to use this kind of language to get around censors during the podcast intensely amusing, to the point where he can barely contain a giggle when the former uses "fudge" as a curse.
  • Hidden Depths: His literal-mindedness and focus on siege tactics and Creative Sterility belie the fact that he is way, way wiser than he looks. He sees right through the Emperor's deceptions, has extensive knowledge of the modern day Imperium's workings, and quite a bit of his frustrating focus on literal meanings seems to be intentional misunderstanding to annoy others. He also disagrees with his father about true taco day, even to the point of lying to him and has no illusions about his jerkassery.
  • Hidden in Plain Sight: What's the best place for a prince of the Imperium to hide? Among the Palace staff, of course! Though it probably helps that he'd been presumed dead for thousands of years, and wears 24-Hour Armour.
  • Interface Spoiler: Averted. When he talks, his text isn't given his trademark gold color until he reveals himself.
  • Late-Arrival Spoiler: At the time of writing, it has been known that the Centurion is Rogal for nearly three years, and he has featured in multiple thumbnails, and is a big part of the podcasts.
  • Leitmotif: That Centurion..., which first played during the flashback in episode 24.
  • Literal-Minded: He seems to take everything said to him at face value, whether it's an insult or something even slightly metaphorical.
    The Emperor: "The only Rogal-related thoughts I have been having is how nice it would be if he could build some kind of wall barring all the stupid shit that is going on in the galaxy from entering my comfort zone."
    Rogal Dorn "Fecal matter does not have mental capacity. You do not require fortifications against it."
    • There are some indications that his literal-mindedness is at least partially an act to infuriate and confuse everyone around him. In the first podcast, the Custodes call him out on a few of these where he obviously went out of his way to misunderstand for the sake of a joke. Elsewhere, he implies that he does understand metaphorical and proverbial concepts, so it's not clear which of his misunderstandings are real and which ones are him screwing with everyone. Reality is, after all, the biggest joke to him.
      • That said, he did take the Emperor's demand that he go play in traffic at face value - though he was intent on bringing along a cement mixer and reinforcing the freeway, as is his wont.
  • Manchild: He wants a bike because he wants to go fast like Magnus. His reaction when he gets his wish? "Yey. Bike."
  • Noodle Implements: We may never see his tree fort, but given that he's a Primarch, proclaims to be the best tree fort maker in the galaxy and demands twelve thousand laborers for the project, it must be the stuff of legends.
  • Not So Above It All: When he learns that Magnus was gifted a bike by the Emperor, Rogal asks if he can have one, too.
  • Not So Stoic:
    • When in first Podcast the Emperor has to use silly substitutes for curse words like "fudge" to bypass the censor in vox-hailer, Rogal can't help but snicker at this.
    • By the third Podcast (The Black Templars, Dorn's Angry Boys) Adornable is brought to seething anger at the Emperor and calls him out on all of his bullshit for both this Podcast and the last one, where the Emperor did nothing to defend himself against his opponent and refused anything else because "[he's] the Emperor and [he's] always right".
    • On a lighter note, he sounds on the verge of Tears of Joy upon learning his brother Leman Russ is still alive. He's also visibly excited when he learns Vulkan and Corvus have also returned.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: More like obfuscating literal mindedness. It's implied sometimes that he does understand metaphors and pretends to be narrow-minded for the sake of joke.
  • Papa Wolf: His stoic manner usually devolves into Tranquil Fury when someone picks on or tries to hurt Boy.
    • In the 3rd podcast episode he pulls a shotgun on Wammudes and says he's willing to risk installing a window in the imperial palace to throw his body out of it when Wammudes makes a veiled threat to Boy. Wammudes is actually cowed by the threat. Karstodes however is unphased as he thinks himself too well oiled to be grabbed by the Primarch.
  • Parental Substitute: Acts as one to Boy during podcasts, being the only one who is supportive, or defends the boy from Karstodes' abuse. Boy in turns calls him "Dadorable".
  • Pet the Dog: In the If the Emperor had a Podcast sub-series he's usually the one to stick up for Boy, the vox-serf, whenever the Fab Custodes start bullying him. He even walks with Boy into the Sanctum Imperialis...well, tries to as he's a hulking superhuman in power armor that makes others look wimpy and Boy is a malnourished and pasty kid of indeterminate age carrying a heavy vox-caster (in the shape of a large and very ornamental microphone). He cheers Boy on telling him he can do it despite the fact that Boy is clearly struggling. He also tells Whamuudes to pipe down when he bad mouths the unwashed masses of the Imperium, stating they deserve the barest respect for fulling their purpose for the Imperium. Boy refers to him as "Dadorable" partially out of this (and partially due to him being uneducated).
  • The Quiet One: He doesn't speak at all until the time comes for him to reveal his face.
  • Really 700 Years Old: Ten thousand, at least, but doesn't look nearly that old.
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: Dorn hates the Codex Astartes with a passion and resented Guilliman for trying to force it on all the loyalist space marine chapters. In the end, however, he agreed to accept it and follow its doctrines despite his disgust: In the immediate aftermath of the Emperor's mortal wounding at Horus's hands, Dorn realized that the Imperium absolutely could not afford any in-fighting.
  • The Reveal: He's actually Rogal Dorn.
  • Ridiculously Fast Construction: He is able to assemble a massive wall of psyker-resistant metal in a matter of minutes with no forewarning. Being an Imperial Fist, of course, this is only natural.
  • Sarcasm-Blind: Part-and-parcel with being The Comically Serious.
  • Serious Business: from the podcast, during the closing Q&A session, he intensely disagrees with the Emperor on the correct day to eat tacos, claiming that Tuesday is the best day for its Added Alliterative Appeal and hope-bringing qualities, while the Emperor wants them eaten on Friday where neither of those are true. His love of Taco Tuesday is so great that he even reveals that he'd tricked the Emperor into eating turkey tacos on the day Rogal had rejoined the Imperium, which was a Tuesday. The Emperor is horrified by this betrayal, and shocked by the fact that Rogal had actually lied about something.
  • Stating the Simple Solution: In episode 24 he points out that his unmatched knowledge of the palace means he could personally resolve the current problem the Emperor is acting concerned about immediately. The Emperor tries to use emotional manipulation on him like he does everyone else, only for Rogal to call his excuse out as a lie. The Emperor ends up directly asking him to "just let daddy pull his strings, okay?"
  • The Stoic: When talking about how enraged he was, Rogal sports the same blank expression he wears whenever not using the Magic Pain Glove. Hell, the only time he even emotes is when his hand falls off when he used the Glove a little too much and seeing how he never does, this seems pretty major.
    Your services are no longer required.
  • Suddenly Voiced: Doesn't say a word until the end of episode 20, when he suddenly yells at Kitten to stop discussing the Space Wolves.
  • The Voiceless: As the Centurion, he has no lines, and generally just drops in to comfort the emperor. He speaks after The Reveal, so presumably he was doing this to prevent the Emperor from recognizing his voice.
  • That Makes Me Feel Angry: How he generally voices his emotions.
    I am slightly INFURIATED.
  • Too Dumb to Fool: Though dumb may not quite be the right word, his oddities make him see right through the Emperor's usual manipulative tactics, and he has to outright ask him to just let him pull his strings.
    Stop reading my actions like I am some sort of spooky pop-up book.
  • Tranquil Fury:
    • In his flashbacks, he mentions being completely consumed by rage after the Heresy ended. Of course, the artwork for his face doesn't change at all.
    • We witness some of this during the third Podcast, as his rage slowly builds after both an argument with the Emperor and having to put up with the worst of his estranged sons the Black Templars all at once. Emps even refers to it as a cold abyss of rage that could well devour the aforementioned Black Templar whole.
  • Troll: The first podcast has several instances where the Custodes call him out on being intentionally obfuscating about literal meanings. He's apparently been doing this for a while just to annoy everyone.
  • Undercover Cop Reveal: More like Undercover Primarch.

     High-Lords of Terra 

The High-Lords Of Terra, The Government of Humanity

The Master of the Administratum voiced by: The Fresh Sorcerer
Grand Provost Marshal voiced by: Earndil
Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard voiced by: Karl the Deranged
Fabricator-General of Mars voiced by: Glowtide

Consisting of Decius, the Fabricator-General of Mars, Grand Provost Marshal, Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard, The Master of the Administratum, Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov, and Kitten (who rarely attends meetings) they are the group that was responsible of taking care of the Imperium wile the Emperor was out of action. Let's just say that due to them all being rather senile and lacking common sense, they were not doing that good of a job.

  • Actually a Doombot: It appears the real High-Lords of Terra were locked inside a closet for a while, and the ones seen were shapeshifting aliens posing as them, save the Fabricator-General who was an extra body that was reprogrammed. Kitten and Magnus found this out by shooting them (with the intent to actually kill them). Kitten at least gets the real ones to consider making some laws that help people, for once, and they even seem to listen and try it.
  • Anything but That!: Let's just say that they dread the mere mention of the Old Folks' Planet and would avoid it at all costs.
  • Body Horror: They have a lot of unpleasant-looking mechanical parts.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: As mentioned before, common sense is not their strong suit.
  • Dystopian Edict: Their first appearance is them holding a meeting to outlaw laxatives, having already outlawed speaking the name of the Old Folks' Planet. They seem to be under the impression that banning things like this is exclusively what High Lords are supposed to do. They later go on to outlaw breathing.
  • Grumpy Old Man: They're all old, grouchy, stereotypes but this is especially true with the Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard, who makes "back in my day" jokes and "prune juice" jokes.
  • Hidden Depths: For all their idiocies and lack of connection with reality, they are at least loyal.
    • Captain General Kitten has served the Emperor for over 10,000 years. Ironically, despite being a genetically augmented Super Soldier whose mind has been messed with to ensure loyalty, he's probably the least loyal of the High Lords, as he's ignored several direct orders from the Emperor himself and is currently colluding with Magnus, albeit to "Make the Imperium Great Again".
    • Decius tries to follow the Emperor's will, obeying strange decrees such as not fortifying the Imperial Palace after an Inquisitorial attack, but still fights back when the Inquisitors invade full force. He's also smart enough to realise just how difficult it would be to search all of Terra and question its entire populace, when Fyodor thinks the Inquisition can do it in only a few days, pointing out that, regardless of his resources, it's very hard to organise any sort of operation on a massive hive world.
    • The four senile High Lords will obey the Emperor's decrees. Even when the Emperor takes away their authority to pass new laws, their response is to cry, say "Ah Fiddlefucks" and curse Magnus.
    • Even Fyodor, for all his violent insanity, believes the Emperor's decree to disband the Inquisition to be a heretical lie (a not-unreasonable position to take in the current Imperium) and tries to get to the bottom of it.
  • It's All About Me: They're drawn from the ranks of the Imperium's notoriously self-centered nobility, so this is a given. It was a dizzying revelation to most of them that doing things for the benefit of other people is actually possible.
  • Lazy Bum: The Master of the Administratum aspires to retire and live on welfare so that he can, in his own words, "FEEL like a useless piece of shit". Keep in mind that he was already doing just that while still having one of the most important jobs in the Imperium.
  • Obliviously Evil: The High Lords have been imposing draconian and nonsensical laws on the Imperium for millennia, but it seems that the main reason the latest bunch have been such lousy rulers is that it never occurred to them they could actually try to improve things. The senility probably didn't help.
  • Only Sane Man:
    • Outside of Kitten and Decius, the High Lords of Terra are a bunch of incompetent morons.
    • The Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard doesn't seem to have reached senility quite just yet, at least when compared to the rest of the High-Lords. He's the only one who argues against banning laxatives and air and has enough functioning brain cells to make a pretty badass rap of his own. He's also the first High-Lord to seriously consider giving the everyday citizens of the Imperium benefits (specifically his Guardsmen), even openly praising them for their courage in fighting xenos and Heretics.
  • Pet the Dog: Kitten encourages the High-Lords to pass decrees and edicts that would actually benefit the people of the Imperium for a change. The Lord Commander of the Imperial Guard is the first to acknowledge and accept this new way of thinking (see the above entry) in a serious manner. The Fabricator-General then promptly plays this trope for laughs by claiming that he will personally go to Mars and make things better for the Mechanicus serving them Oil Margaritas.
  • Unexplained Recovery: The Fabricator-General hits a fatal error while trying to say "buttcheeks" and explodes, only to reappear without fanfare later. This may actually be justified considering how much of him is machine. Episode 27 reveals that it's actually because he's using the Proteus Protocol tech to keep himself alive.


Boy, Humble Vox-serf
The long suffering serf.
Voiced by: Nostalgia

A boy of indeterminate age, "Boy" has the privilege of serving as a vox-serf in the Imperial Palace not just for the the Adeptus Custodes and an Imperial Fist space marine but also for the Emperor himself. Unfortunately for him he's often the punching bag for when things go wrong and is often ignorant when it comes to the topics at hand. Is apparently friends with Billy.
  • A Dog Named "Dog": Since getting tongue-tied in the first podcast, this vox-serf is christened "Boy" by the Emperor himself, whether he likes it or not.
  • all lowercase letters: His subtitles, befitting his overall smallness in both stature, world, knowledge, etc.
  • Audience Surrogate: Serves as one in-universe as he's the average Imperial citizen: clueless about pretty much everything outside of the limited learning needed for his job and listens to the podcast members discuss things he can barely understand.
  • Book Dumb: As with many citizens Boy knows only as much as he needs to about his job, which is to say very little. He often asks questions like "What's a Alcohol" and thinks that the Techpriest Reimleiz the Theorist is in fact Death and has come to take him when all he had come to do is ask stupid questions per usual. As of the third podcast he's picked up quite a bit, and is apparently getting tutoring from Lord Adorable. AKA: Rogal Dorn.
  • Butt-Monkey: He's often the butt of most of the insults from the Custodes.
  • Catchphrase: More of a "Signature Noise", Boy tends to make a pitiful whimper whenever the Custodes or guests yell at him.
  • Conditioned to Accept Horror: During the podcast reviewing "Inquisitor", the first book in the Inquisition War trilogy, he mentions casually towards the end that a number of his siblings were sent to work catering to the vast pilgrimage line into the Imperial Palace, and all of them were trampled to death. He talks about their deaths like he was talking about the weather, and actually manages to horrify Decius.
  • Eye Scream: Gets mug shards in his eye during Podcast Episode 2. He tries hating it (as in using The Power of Hate) out of his eye but of course, it doesn't work. He does inexplicably get over the pain quite quickly though, and later just complains about the fact he can't see out of that eye anymore.
  • Flat Character: He has very little characterization due to not being allowed to speak unless spoken to. Seeing how the pilot podcast is about things like the comprehensive history of the White Scars, he really has barely any reason to speak at all. He is addressed more often starting in Podcast Episode 2, and his personality develops from there. It turns out Boy is clever enough to make accurate deductions based on the limited information he has.
  • Goal in Life: Dreams of becoming a Space Marine. Given who's all but adopted him, it's a near if not certain to happen dream.
  • Heroic BSoD: Spends almost the entirety of the Inquisitor Draco podcast in a near-catatonic stupor due to just how horrible it was.
  • Hidden Depths: As stated above Boy can be surprisingly smart and has big dreams (and with Rogal Dorn - a frakkin' primarch! - adopting him, he might have a chance reaching that dream).
  • Raven Hair, Ivory Skin: As seen by his podcast symbol Boy has very dark hair and in Episode 1 of the podcast (the second episode) he is described by the Fab Custodes as having very pale skin, most likely due to having the privilege of living in the Imperial Palace for his entire life and thus seeing no sunlight.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Despite his occasional moments of cleverness, he apparently thinks he can stave off starvation by drinking his own blood.
  • Vague Age: It's not clear how old he is as it's never said and it's extremely likely a vox-serf like him would be malnourished and thus seem younger than he actually is.

     Cyberdong the Techpriest 

Cyberdong the Techpriest, Speculation Incarnate

Voiced by: Remleiz

A Techpriest that first appeared in episode 24, replacing "toaster guy" (who installed the text to speech device in exchange for a toaster from Kitten). He can easily be distinguished by the rest of the cult mechanicus by his green & gold color scheme, saurian mask (or actual face; it's hard to know with Mechanicus adepts), and by the fact that 90% of his dialogue is questions.

  • All There in the Manual: Only named in video descriptions and credits.
  • Author Avatar: Of Remleiz, host of the YouTube channel 40K Theories.
  • Cloud Cuckoolander: From some of his theories and general manner of thinking, it's clear he's even loopier than usual for an Adeptus Mechanicus member.
  • Cyborg: Unsurprising, being a Techpriest and all.
  • Did You Just Flip Off Cthulhu?: It might be unintentional, since it might just be genuine curiosity, but he's made some fairly insulting questions to the Emperor's face, such as wondering if he could be rebuilt entirely from cyberdongs and outright asking him if he's a giant asshole.
  • Fetish: Says he has "a massive fixation with slapping my cyber-dong against the hull of toasters". This trait is apparently common among members of the Cult Mechanicus.
  • Verbal Tic: All of his lines, even those that aren't questions, end in a question mark and usually with inquisitive tone. Also, he cannot pronounce "Ursh" without sounding like he's being murdered.
  • The Watson: He's played this role during Podcasts, asking setting-related questions one after the other until he's thrown out.

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