A character sheet that lists the participants in the discussions featured on French Baguette Intelligence's videos.
open/close all folders
Main Characters
Fuck Cares/Faux Cares/FC
I don’t need sleep. I need to restore the geographical order.
Played by: Phoenix Wright, Franziska von Karma (as Fuckette and Karen).
The owner of French Baguette Intelligence and the most prominent participant in the discussions featured on the channel. Most discussions are from his perspective. Fuck Cares is a Frenchman with strong opinions on many subjects. Fuck Cares almost always starts the arguments in his videos.
- Abusive Parents: Played for Laughs in "Should we train eagles to attack our children?", where he claims he would make his kids mow the lawn with nail clippers and tell them they killed Santa Claus, among other things.
- Author Avatar: Oddly enough, not Phoenix Wright. Whenever Fuck Cares directly talks to the viewers, usually in the disclaimers, he uses Franziska von Karma as his avatar.
- Berserk Button: Saying that North and South America are separate continents, insulting French cuisine, describing Latin American people as 'Latinx', hiding bigotry/immaturity behind unfunny humour and and calling it 'dark humour', anything he deems corny and calling a pain au chocolat a 'chocolatine'.
- Will almost instantly be close to losing it if anyone deliberately insults Cleophoebs.
- Bowdlerise: In The Million Dollar Puzzle - Reflection on Intention
, he announces that he had to change his name to 'Faux Cares' to avoid getting demonetised. - Cunning Linguist: Speaks French, English and Spanish fluently and even knows a few words from Nahuatl.
- Deadpan Snarker: Frequently makes sarcastic remarks, sometimes in French.
- Demoted to Extra: Says one word at the start of Mister Incredible vs Darth Vader Debate and doesn't appear again for the rest of the video.
- Disproportionate Retribution: A little girl asking him if she can sit on his chair leaves him wishing he could train an eagle to kidnap and drop little girls from the sky.
- Early Personality Signs: According to his mother, he learned how to argue before he learned how to speak.
- Enemy Mine: He pulls this with Bowl against Volkeh's "dark humor" and his inability to actually explain how it's a joke. Bowl mostly just stays in the sidelines and explains how he's above Volkeh and others with his sense of humor when asked, though.
- Everyone Has Standards: Harry's speech at the end of the science debate is so horrifying and amoral that even Fuck Cares outright cuts it from the video, to Harry's own dismay.
- Four-Philosophy Ensemble: The Realist. He strikes a balance between Harry's cynicism and Gringo's idealism.
- This has shifted towards harder cynicism in recent times though, as explained in Questions and Answers - I am not a sociopath. he didn't fully agree with Gringo or Harry during Science vs Ethics Debate at the time, but now he would fully agree with Harry, though the root of his stance would be different.
- This has shifted towards harder cynicism in recent times though, as explained in Questions and Answers - I am not a sociopath.
- Freudian Trio: The Ego. He is between Harry (Superego) and Gringo (Id) when it comes to the logic versus instinct dichotomy.
- Gender Bender: On occasion, he can turn into a girl, represented by Franziska von Karma, such as in the disclaimers before the videos, noting that England and France are sisters as opposed to brothers, and upon being renamed Karen.
- Gratuitous French: Occasionally speaks French in the middle of English-language conversations.
- Height Angst: Defied. Although his friends tease him about his height often (as he is only 5'7"), he is never ashamed of it.
- The Kirk: His views regarding whether science should be ethical stands between Harry's 'progress before morality' and Gringo's 'progress is meaningless without morals'.
- Not So Above It All: Avoids most of his friend's and acquaintances weird antics and views, but occasionally provokes pretty weird debates and comments himself, as show by him believing that a Twitter profile somehow had a hidden message predicting the future in it.
- Patriotic Fervor: Very downplayed compared to Bowl, but Fuck Cares can argue pretty strongly in the defense of his country if he feels that it is being insulted by others.
- Supporting Protagonist: In videos where he doesn't initiate an argument or participate in one, he still acts as the main "point of view" character for whatever is being debated - while staying in the sidelines of the conversation itself.
- Token Minority: Inverted. In the Q&A video, he states that only one member of the main cast isn't on the Autism spectrum, and the fact that his school tried and failed multiple times to diagnose him with Autism implies he's that one member.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With Bowl.
- Would Hurt a Child: Wishes that he could own an eagle which he would train to kidnap little girls and drop them from the skies.
- Downplayed in another video where he seriously considers the possibility of killing baby Hitler for the greater good in a hypothetical scenario.
Bowl
There is no Santa Claus, there is no Easter Bunny, and there are no Irish-Americans.
Played by: Miles Edgeworth, Mia Fey (gender-swapped).
An excessively patriotic Brit who often argues with Fuck Cares. Although, he often joins his side of the argument when Fuck Cares argues against other people.
- The Alcoholic: The Bowl loves his booze. He considers alcohol one of the finest joys in life.
- British Humour: Bowl is most certainly a comedian in the British tradition. He's sarcastic as all hell, he's edgy, he's smug, and a lot of his humour revolves around how unsure others are if he's joking.
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: His eccentric and comedic comments often hide genuinely good arguments and proof for whatever he's arguing for... when he bothers to make a stand for anything, given he would rather just make jokes about whatever is being debated at the moment, that is. Best shown in "Bowl VS AI art" where he makes the main arguments almost without any trolling.
- Card-Carrying Jerkass: "This bigotry makes a fine addition to my collection", anyone? Downplayed, though. He claims he is proud to be a bigot, but the extent of his so-called "bigotry and bollocks" is Played for Laughs and he never means any genuine malice.
- Cuckoo Snarker: Frequently combines serious arguments with insane claims like 'the Balkans are not real', often with a few sarcastic remarks thrown in.
- Deadpan Snarker: Like Fuck Cares, often mocks everyone around him.
- Demoted to Comic Relief: In some videos, due to him not taking the conversation seriously enough to say anything beyond a few jokes.
- Enemy Mine: For once, he's on Fuck Cares' side of an argument in "Dark Humor vs. 'Dark Humor,'" but he doesn't go to the lengths of Fuck Cares to explain himself. He mostly just argues when directly compared to Volkeh, who he sees as the main target of his jokes alongside others with his kind of edgy humor, how his humor is superior.
- Eskimos Aren't Real: Denies the existence of the Balkans.
- Everyone Has Standards: Even he cannot stand the likes of Absent, and pushes for him to be muted.
- Bowl might be a gigantic patriot for Britain to almost scary extents given his distaste for most countries, but he opposes racism and supports interracial relationships (And is happy that nowadays Auschwitz is much more diverse than it used to be in the past).
- Bowl makes fun of everyone in twisted dark manners, but even he draws the line at making fun of the death of Princess Diana.
- Feeling Oppressed by Their Existence: Played for Laughs, Bowl expresses hatred towards the existence of every single nation in the world (except for Portugal and Japan) for the most petty of reasons, ranging from their accent to their food.
- For Science!: Bowl thinks the idea of humanzees sounding cool is enough reason to pursue the creation of them.
- Four-Philosophy Ensemble: The Conflicted. While usually seeming apathetic, Bowl has a tendency to fluctuate in whose side he is taking, switching between them multiple times per video.
- Manly Gay: In a somewhat surprising twist given prior homophobia, Bowl proudly calls himself gay while rejecting contemporary cultural trends regarding LGBT in favour of absurdist manliness.
- Bowl: Being gay is riding a bicycle right in the middle of the goddamn street so you can feel the thrill of having an angry man on your behind threatening to ram you with his car.
Or in Bowl's case, being gay is honking at the cyclist in the middle of the street and thinking of ramming your car straight into his arse.
Being gay is promoting manhood so people stop reproducing and finally solving the overpopulation issue.Bowl: Bowl is not LGBT however.
LGBTs hate me, because I'm homophobic, so to hell with them.
- Obfuscating Insanity: Makes many ludicrous claims and often acts like a lunatic, but is capable of acting normally and mostly does it to entertain himself.
- Patriotic Fervor: Loves Britain and hates every other country, except Portugal and Japan.
- Politically Incorrect Hero: Has some harsh words for the French, the Irish, the Americans, women, and many more. But it usually isn't meant to be offensive, and even if it was, that doesn't stop him from being on the side of people from those demographics.
- Plucky Comic Relief: In conversations that he doesn't take seriously, he occasionally joins in to make jokes.
- Right for the Wrong Reasons. In Auschwitz, racist? PROOF!, Bowl had come to a realization that the Nazis might have been racist. Not because of what they did to the Jews, but because their concentration camps didn't have almost any diversity beyond that. Given his usual behavior, it's very likely to be a snarky joke.
- Sitcom Archnemesis: Has gained one in Mafalda, who he argues vehemently with when it comes to holidays like Halloween, Dios de los Muertos and Christmas.
- The Snark Knight: Bowl mocks everything and everyone.
- Third-Person Person: Often refers to himself in the third person.
- Troll: Mocks people purely for the pleasure of doing so.
- True Art Is Angsty: In-Universe. Shows some of this sentiment in 'Art vs Modern "Art"' when talking about Francisco de Goya. He finds art that unnerves and disturbs the viewer to be the best kind of art. In his own words, "I believe hard times in general push people to make good art".
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With Fuck Cares.
Harry
Lives are temporary. Knowledge is forever.
Played by: Manfred von Karma, the Judge (initially).
An extremely cynical person with highly controversial views, also a gourmet.
- Above Good and Evil: Believes that morality is meaningless because it is inherently subjective and that scientific progress is objectively more meaningful, stating that more lives can be saved and/or improved in the long run than what might be lost if unethical experiments are conducted.
- Anti-Role Model: Every instruction he gives out on how to become attractive to women in the "Toxigma Male" guide comes off as absurd at best and unethical at worst, including that one should stop taking care of their own appearance until they become akin to a caveman to punishing their partners severely for any transgressions while rewarding them generously when they obey you, all to take advantage of Stockholm Syndrome. Gringo calls him out on these occasionally, forcing him to moderate his views... in order to not be demonetized by Youtube.
- Being Human Sucks: Harry believes humanity is something to be overcome, and that transhumanism is the end goal of human evolution.
- Catchphrase: "It is silly!"
- Cold Ham: Manages to be surprisingly dramatic in his speech... even though he acts as The Spock and rarely writes in caps.
- The Cynic: Generally takes the cynical side.
- Early Installment Character-Design Difference: He was originally played by the Judge when he first showed up in Geography Makes no Sense, as opposed to Manfred von Karma as every episode since Science vs Ethics does.
- Everyone Has Standards: In the QA video, when talking about where the gang first met, Harry comments onn the old toxic server where they first talked to each other and the owner enabled posting gore and doxxing as "filled with insane people" and actually came off as disgusted at the behavior of users there.
- For Science!: Believes in the pursuit of this, though more as a "means to an end" rather than purely for the cause of science itself.
- Four-Philosophy Ensemble: The Cynic. Harry believes that morality is meaningless at best and a hindrance at worst. He believes that scientific progress matters more than the ethics of the experiments used to advance science, as he believes that more lives are likely to be saved in the long run if unethical experiments are conducted.
- Freudian Excuse: Mr. E reveals in the Machiavelli video that Harry's cynicism stems from the disrespect he received upon being diagnosed with Asperger syndrome.
- Freudian Trio: The Superego. Harry does not consider emotional reasoning to be valid, especially when it concerns science.
- Goal-Oriented Evolution: In Are A.Is sentient? What is Supersapience?, Harry argues that humanity will naturally progress to The Singularity - what he calls "supersapience" - and shed it's human nature. Both in that video and other points, he argues that Being Human Sucks and that humanity is something to be overcome.
- Hates Being Touched: The reason he gives for why he wasn't hugged enough as a child in "Should we train eagles to attack our children?". Makes perfect sense in hindsight, as many people on the autism spectrum dislike being touched.
- I'm a Humanitarian: Downplayed, he never eats anyone, but he does say he has no moral issues with cannibalism. He even engages in a vegan diet, in which he eats vegans, and tries to shoot a vegan so he can eat her, but fails due to A-Team Firing. He supports this sort of diet immensely, trying to start a religion where all participants indulge in this trope by eating the flesh of the dead.
- Obsessed with Food: Spends nearly fifteen minutes arguing that pineapple pizza is objectively bad and randomly posts images of dinners he made, with no context.
- Pet the Dog: In a rare moment of him being very level-headed compared to his peers, Harry suggests in "Would you kill Baby Hitler?" that instead of killing baby Hitler, one should take him as a baby and raise as their own, possibly allowing him to acquire the skills necessary to enter art school and avoid his historical crimes. He also mentions it would be the perfect opportunity to test how the environment and how a person is raised can change them.
- Psychopathic Manchild: Obsessed with Pixar movies. Loves posting what dinner he made. Spends seemingly most of his time on Discord. Thinks morality is a hindrance to human progress.
- Serious Business: After multiple showcases of Übermensch attitude, he ends up arguing with Absent... about if Mr. Incredible is stronger than Darth Vader, with him being on the former's side.Harry: Preposterous! Mr. Incredible's power is beyond your understanding. Mister Incredible is an incredible Mister. He would be nearly impossible to defeat in a fight.
- Silly Rabbit, Idealism Is for Kids!: Harry believes that morality is so inconsistently defined that it is effectively meaningless. He argues that people do not care about immoral actions if the outcome is favourable, citing Edward Jenner (amongst others) as an example.
- The Spock: Believes logical consistency to be the foundation upon which all lines of thinking must be built.
- Team Chef: Randomly posts images of his cooking.
- Übermensch: Rejects morality in favour of assessing objectively whether lives can be improved or saved in the long run.
- Wicked Cultured: For certain values of "wicked", but he's definitely the coldest amongst the Freudian Trio of him, Gringo and Fuck Cares and rejects morality as something meaningless in the face of progress - all the while being a very talented chef with a passion for food and a variety of works, both famous and obscure.
Gringo
It’s not really human progress if you’re sacrificing your principles and humanity.
Played by: Apollo Justice.
Gringo is an idealistic and inclusionist person. He is an American and a Christian, but isn't extremely religious.
- Berserk Button: Being one of the most "morally" minded characters in the videos, Gringo is quick to take a dislike in any amoral actions or suggestions - but the one things that flips him out is genuine racism, as Volkeh quickly learns at the end of the "American vs Mexican Food" video.
- The Fettered: Believes that adopting principles is a form of progress in of itself.
- Four-Philosophy Ensemble: The Optimist. He believes that sacrificing principles for the sake of progress is unjustified and that even if the world is a flawed place, it is still better than living in a virtual world where one can do anything.
- Freudian Trio: The Id. Gringo is a very moral person and believes that if moral principles are compromised in favour of progress, it is not progress at all.
- The Idealist: Generally takes the idealistic side.
- The McCoy: Considers logical consistency to be less important than morality, in stark contrast to Harry.
- Principles Zealot: Harry accuses him of this at a certain point, not that the man himself has any principles in the first place. For the most part, he just thinks Gringo is naive.
- Silly Rabbit, Cynicism Is for Losers!: Believes that Harry's suggestion to experiment on prisoners would result in the system risking the lives of many innocent people.
- Sitcom Archnemesis: He and Goblin Tyrant never argue on the same side, and the few times the latter has appeared in the debates, it's to argue against and often insult him.
- Sixth Ranger: Outside of the main trio of Fuck Cares, Bowl and Harry, Gringo is possibly the most recurring side character, and very easily slides into the trio's group to make a Four-Philosophy Ensemble.
- Wide-Eyed Idealist: Gets accused of this by Harry, see Principles Zealot above.
Cleophoebs
Gimme ten minutes.
Played by: Kay Faraday.
Cleophoebs is a friend of Fuck Cares who often goes back and forth with him or against him in arguments, but tends to approach from a more balanced/common person position while also being a big tease.
- Annoying Laugh: Often replies to funny quips with the "XAXAXAXAXA" Russian online laugh.
- Belligerent Sexual Tension: Cleo and FC's interactions often devolve into this.
- Berserk Button: Being accused of being hateful or bigoted over the stupidest/insane reasons as seen in the "Fitness isn't Fatphobia" video.
- Cloudcuckoolander: Instead of killing Hitler as an infant, she'd rather kill Hitler's parents as infants. She claims that two is better than one in the comments.
- Deadpan Snarker: Like FC and Bowl, most often in counter to something FC said.
- The Everyman: More often than not, she tends to agree with FC's point of view, but from a common person's perspective that's easier to understand.
- Fitness Nut: Takes up all sorts of different self-defense courses, but also pole dancing as well.
- Sympathy for the Devil: In "Fitness vs. Fatphobia", she is remarkably patient with Annie and expresses concern for her mental health and well-being throughout the video, despite Annie repeatedly insulting her and FC in the basest and nastiest way she can.
- Would Hurt a Child: Two children, in fact, and also killing one through averting his existence entirely by consequence.
Recurring Characters
Goblin Tyrant
If we are not to say what’s the truth and what’s not, then why would the Bible be up to interpretation?
Played by: Klavier Gavin.
Goblin Tyrant is a laidback, hedonistic participant who has a tendency to side with whatever argument would allow him the most pleasure and enjoyment. He does not believe that VR will be very impressive in the future, nullifying any danger it may otherwise pose.
- The Alcoholic: Often portrayed drinking from a glass bottle during conversations, and exaggerated in No Noël November when he turns up drunk after a Halloween party, continuing to drink rum into the next day's conversation.Gringo: Had too much to drink?Goblin Tyrant: Noi?Gringo: Halloween party?Goblin Tyrant: YEs! It was the best Haooweddn Party I've been to i ba whpoe! My girlfriend dressed up as the medusa from greek mytolohthology. I went to the pargtyh stoned because I am alwsys looking into the eyes of my beautiful dearly darly doo dee doo dee dooe dooe dooe dooe dedo eedoo edseoo
- A Day in the Limelight: There's No Legs In The Metaverse! is his, even though he's made appearances before that.
- Ascended Extra: Had mostly one-note or secondary participations in older videos. From "There's No Legs In The Metaverse!" forward, he became a more frequent and primary participant to the chats, being arguably the most frequent feature beyond the "Recuring" ones like Gringo and Bowl.
- The Cynic: Doesn't exactly have the most optimistic views on things, particularly the concept of VR.
- Deadpan Snarker: Is very snarky, always having a snide remark for just about everything.
- Flowery Insults: Provides the page image, in fact!Goblin Tyrant: Let's be real here. Absolutely no one would want to cuddle with an avatar that looks like a castrated Pinocchio made out of marshmallows soaked in soy.
- Four-Philosophy Ensemble: The Apathetic. Goblin Tyrant doesn't want much more from life than enjoyment and doesn't care that much about the ramifications of virtual reality, as he believes that it will be too unimpressive to make a difference.
- The Hedonist: Is one, and admits it freely.
- Sitcom Archnemesis: Whenever he and Gringo appear in the same debate, you can safely assume they're on opposite sides.
- Who Wants to Live Forever?: He very much disagrees with Harry's idea that The Singularity is humanity's goal. As he explains in Are A.Is sentient? - What is Supersapience?:Goblin Tyrant: I think that once we don't have to worry about hunger on time, we would just stop doing things all-together. Maybe we'd become very self-indulgent, and some who genuinely enjoy being productive would keep that up. But most people would just spend the rest of eternity procrastinating. Maybe things would lose their grace and people would start go self-destruct out of boredom, and then we'd go extinct.
Seraphina
“Poly” “artists”… The key to cracking “poly” is in “artist”.
Played by: Ema Skye.
Seraphina is an easy-going participant who is happy to entertain any topic she is pulled into, no matter how absurd it may be. She was the only one who played along with Fuck Cares’s Twitter Bio decryption in Twitter Bios Are Coded Messages.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Instead of answering Mr. E's question (That being if she'd go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby if she could), she leaves. Mr. E's response implies this is a common occurrence.
- Strange Minds Think Alike: She is probably the only person in the server who actually entertains the idea that the Twitter bio Fuck Cares showed to others was genuinely a coded message.
Em
I went to a Christian school. That’s why I’m atheist.
Played by: Angel Starr.
An atheist who takes issue with the Christmas holiday.
- The Cynic: Believes Christianity overtook the pagan tradition of Yule as a means to gain soft power, which ironically makes it hypocritical for Christians to celebrate Christmas — it's not their holiday. Gringo and Seraphina both dismiss her argument as cynical.
- Outgrown Such Silly Superstitions: She used to go to a Christian school, which she claims caused her to become fed up with the religion and become atheist.
Starla
Are you still talking about this?
Played by: Dahlia Hawthorne, Ema Skye (initially).
Starla is in favour of 'Latinx' and tries to make sound arguments in favour of it, but her words are often drowned out by Snugglet.
- Ascended Extra: Appears as a major participant in Should we say "Latinx"?. despite having only three lines in her only other appearance.
Logical Loop
We’re just being traditional, in the same way you like to stick to your antiquated British Bigotry.
Played by: Angel Starr, Franziska von Karma (initially).
An American who identifies as an 'Irish-American', which causes conflict between her and Bowl.
- Ascended Extra: Appears as a major participant in Do Irish-Americans exist?, despite having one line in her initial and only other appearance.
- Berserk Button: Doesn't take Bowl accusing Irish-Americans of not existing very well.
Volkeh
*SPAMS RACIAL SLURS.*
Played by: Luke Atmey.
Volkeh is a man who likes 'offensive' jokes, but Fuck Cares disagrees that his jokes are jokes at all.
- And There Was Much Rejoicing: In Americans vs Mexican Food, the rest of the server cheers when Volkeh gets himself banned.
- Anti-Role Model: To the point where Fuck Cares posted a lengthy disclaimer condemning him and his bigotry before Americans vs Mexican Food.Fuck Cares: You've been warned. If you don't want to see an immature fool saying stupid things about culture, race, and women, then this video isn't for you.
- Cultural Posturing: In Americans vs Mexican Food, Volkeh shows a prominent nationalistic streak, and claims that "American supremacy" improved the taco so much that no one would ever care to know about authentic Mexican cuisine.
- Eagleland: Type 2, almost serving as an "Asshole Counterpart" to Bowl's (English) Patriotic Fervor. When he isn't being a more "Free For All" asshole, his comments are what one would expect of a stereotypical "America First" pundit, complete with ethnic and cultural slurs towards those he butts heads with, regardless of their actual nationality.
- Establishing Character Moment: In Americans vs Mexican Food, he asks, "how do I deport Mexicans from a Discord server?" after seeing a few users speaking Spanish instead of English. This immediately shows him to be an extremely unpleasant bigot, especially when he doubles down and tells Matti Matti he "doesn't speak taco" after she tells him she's from Spain.
- Hate Sink: Both of his appearances in FBI's videos have him acting like a massive Jerkass to other users for no reason beyond personal amusement - and getting banned from the server he's in for breaking the rules. FC highlights his behavior in the videos, although he does a good job coming across as an asshole on his own. According to FC in the Q&A, however, his dialogue and general demeanour are edited to make him look better than he is in real life, making him a comical caricature of himself that's easier to laugh at. The first thing Harry saw Volkeh do was dox somebody, and he betrayed several peoples' trust by leaking their nudes.
- Hated by All: There aren't many people in FBI's videos who like him, to the point where his ban at the end of Americans vs Mexican Food is met with open celebration.
- It Amused Me: The defense he uses to justify his jokes. Fuck Cares believes it's something else entirety.
- Jerkass: Spends most of his screen time mocking and insulting Fuck Cares during his accusation for no reason other than that he is amused by it. The times where he isn't doing that, he's spamming the N-Word and making George Floyd jokes.
- Jerkass Has a Point: Saying he's a huge jerk is an understatement, but when he bursts in in Fitness isn't fatphobia he makes a good argument. Too bad for him he's a jerk even with that argument.
- Imagine treating your own body like sh*t and then expecting people to treat you any better.
- Jive Turkey: Speaks in a lot of online slang, such as "based", "cringe", "chad", and "redpilled". He also sometimes formats his posts like a 4chan greentext.
- "Just Joking" Justification: Fuck Cares believes that his jokes are really thinly-veiled bigotry.
- Karmic Butt-Monkey: Gets himself banned from the server both times he appears. He had it coming.
- Lame Comeback: What does he say after Fuck Cares gives a fair, perfectly reasonable explanation on why Volkeh's bigotry is not merely a joke, but genuine and hidden behind what barely qualifies as a joke? "TL, DR".
- Laser-Guided Karma: Mocks Fuck Cares attempts at banning him due to being granted "free speech" by the server rules - and ends up being banned at the end of the day specifically because as Fuck Cares points out, he broke these same rules which he believed would protect him from banning.
- Laughably Evil: His complete irreverence, outlandishly offensive comments and insistence on spewing out ridiculous justifications for doing so provides plenty of humor.
- N-Word Privileges: Averts it entirely, which is one of the reasons he quickly gets under Fuck Cares skin. It's not that he's offended by it, mind you, as he himself explains, but he gets pissed of at it due to how unnecessary, immature and jerkish Volkeh is in the use of the word itself.
- No Name Given: Zig-Zagged; he is given the name "Volkeh" by the videos, but FC tells the viewer in "Americans vs Mexican Food" that Volkeh isn't his real username. It's a made-up one meant to stop FBI fans from contacting him.
- Politically Incorrect Villain: Tends to have racially charged takes, to put it lightly. His bigotry is a lot more open in the Mexican Food video than the Dark Humor video, thanks to Fuck Cares censoring him less.
- Psychopathic Manchild: An extremely vulgar, bigoted jerkass who provokes FC and pretty much everyone else with his prejudices and generally acts much younger than he actually is.Fuck Cares: And this guy is supposed to be 24 years old?
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: Nearly every sentence that comes out of Volkeh's mouth has some kind of swear or racial slur in it.
- Straw Misogynist: On top of all his other prejudices, Volkeh clearly doesn't like women. He calls Cleo a "dumb ugly broke whore" when she types in Greek. When this gets him warned, he launches into a foul-mouthed rant that basically boils down to accusing the admin of being a "white knight" who's only upset at him because he wants Cleo for himself. Once he is unmuted, he spouts off pseudoscientific nonsense about women liking "men with defined jawlines", similar to talk you may find on the manosphere.
- Took a Level in Jerkass: Somehow managed to do this between his first and second appearances. While in his first video he at least tried to put up a (cheap) excuse in the form of "Just Joking" Justification behind his behavior, his participation in Americans vs Mexican Food starts with him going on a xenophobic, gratuitously offensive rant because a user spoke in Spanish , with similar racist slurs being flung across the video. May be Subverted, however — at the start of Mexican Food, there is a disclaimer which explains that Volkeh was "heavily censored" in Dark Humor. This implies that his behaviour in Mexican Food is not him becoming worse so much as revealing how bad he actually was all along.
- Troll: Averted. Volkeh's immature jerkassery and bigotry is genuine. In Fuck Cares' own words:Fuck Cares: He is not a "troll" he is a ruffian […] The lad is dangerous and very likely insane.
- "Ugly American" Stereotype: A foul-mouthed, bigoted, ignorant American Jerkass who's fond of Cultural Posturing and denigrating pretty much everyone. Hell, thanks to the internet he doesn't even need to be a tourist to piss of foreigners.Volkeh: TRUMP 2024! TRUMP 2024! TRUMP 2024! CRY ME A RIVER, LIBTARDS! THIS IS AN AMERICAN SERVER WHERE WE SPEAK ENGLISH! HOW HARD IS IT TO UNDERSTAND THIS?
- Villainous Rescue: In "Fitness vs. Fatphobia", he arrives at the end of the video to "debate" (read: viciously insult) Annie after she has verbally abused FC and Cleophoebs for the better part of a half-hour-long video.
- Why Don't You Marry It?: Par for the course, Volkeh gives a vulgar, more bigoted version.Volkeh: IF YOU LIKE [REDACTED] SO MUCH WHY DON'T YOU SHOVE A TACO UP YOUR ASS?!
- You're Insane!: Several people, most notably FC and Matti Matti, have called Volkeh insane in response to his long, bigoted ramblings.
Funrir
I have a degree in electrical engineering.
Played by: Redd White.
- Delusions of Eloquence: Much like Redd White, Funrir is nowhere near as well-spoken as he seems to think he is. He frequently misspells words, most notably 'imply' and derivatives of it (which he spells as 'emply').
- I Minored in Tropology: In response to Fuck Cares 'emplying' [sic] that he is an idiot, he claims to have a degree in electrical engineering.
- Insane Troll Logic: Believes that the Mexican Congress alien photos are real because they are taken from different perspectives and demonstrably different cameras. Gets mocked as a result by Bowl positing Jake Sully is real using the same logic, though at least admits the subject of the photo is fake.
- Know-Nothing Know-It-All: Despite apparently having a degree in electrical engineering, he frequently misspells words that are easy to spell and types extremely slowly, which he claims is because he 'proof-reads' [sic] everything that he says and 'carefully selects his words to deliver a message of peek [sic] precision'.
- Painting the Medium: The dialogue boxes highlight his various misspelled words in red text.
- Verbal Tic: Almost always misspells 'imply' and its derivatives, as well as many other words.
Mr. E/Fucking Goddamn Fucker
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE TOXIN TASTES LIKE!
Played by: The Judge.
- Covert Pervert: Unexpectedly, he appears to be one (or at the very least, was one) according to the Q&A video, where in the first server he owned he made a rule where users had to change their profile pictures into female ones regardless of their actual gender. FC claims it was made to fulfill his Charlie's Angels fantasies, which Mr. E doesn't bother denying.
- Precision F-Strike: At the start of the The Million Dollar Puzzle - Reflection on Intention, Fuck Cares explains that he had to remove most of the swearing from the video and change his name to 'Faux Cares' to avoid being demonetised. Less than five seconds later, Mr. E appears with the name 'Fucking Goddamn Fucker'.
Absent
Maybe he could figure out if he sniffed her knickers.
Played by: Winston Payne
A rather perverted Scot who argued that Darth Vader would beat Mister Incredible in a fight and that French food is bland based on the restaurants he went to.- Dirty Old Man: Frequently makes perverted comments, often about fictional characters. He does this even when it is completely irrelevant to the subject of the discussion.
- Interspecies Romance: Believes that the Mexican Congress Alien incident allows him to be one step closer towards having an Asari girlfriend.
- Panty Thief: Implied. He brandishes a pair of knickers whenever he makes perverted comments.
Cypher
Played by: Godot.
- Death of the Author: In-Universe. Cypher argues that all interpretations of art are valid due to this, citing Hall of the Mountain King as an example of how whether something is a masterpiece is determined by the audience's reaction, not Word of God.
- Evil Brit: Very much Downplayed. Cypher isn't evil, but he's British, and his arguments tend to be snide or rude even when he makes a valid point. He's more of a Jerkass Brit, particularly compared to Bowl.
- Jerkass: Doesn't hesitate to insult people when he disagrees with them, and even when he does agree with someone he can be condescending about it.
- Louis Cypher: While he isn't the devil, his username is 'Lou Cypher' and is probably meant to evoke this.
- Not in This for Your Revolution: The reason why he rebuts Harry and FC in "Are video games part of nature?" isn't because he agrees with Gringo, to say the least.Lou Cypher: I'm not here to help you. I'm just against arrogant pseudo-intellectuals like these two. I don't give a shit about you.
- Punny Name: His name is a shortened version of 'Lou Cypher', a pun on 'Lucifer'.
- Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness: Has a vast and polysyllabic lexicon, and uses it often. That said...
- Sophisticated as Hell: In "Art vs. Modern Art", while he normally speaks with a very advanced vocabulary, he also once dismisses an argument as "retarded".
Caffeina
You guys had two topics, Lightning McQueen's gender, and women's driving skills. You chose to disagree on McQueen's gender and agree on being sexist.
Played by: Maya Fey.
- Ambiguously Human: Played for Laughs. In "Are Ghosts Real?" Bowl insists throughout the video that Caffeina is actually a ghost.
- A Day in the Limelight: While a minor character in "Is Lightning McQueen Trans?", she takes center stage in "Are Ghosts Real?"
- Electronic Speech Impediment: She makes several confusing typos in "Are Ghosts Real?". Justified as she was high at the time.
- Land Down Under: She's Australian. Or, at least, she used to be — as of "France vs. England - Tourism Debate", she has since moved to Germany.
- Mushroom Samba: She's high in "Are Ghosts Real?", where she believes she has seen a ghost.
- Weight Woe: The ending of "France vs. England - Tourism Debate" reveals she has a complex about her weight, as she was once fat and remains insecure about it.
Pixie
I'll get poisoned, but so will he. Happy ending.
Played by: Vera Misham.
A self-proclaimed "descriptivist".- Ice-Cream Koan: Goblin Tyrant dismisses her words about semantics this way, calling her a "shallow fortune cookie".
- Self-Poisoning Gambit: Agrees to take the take the toxin on the condition that the billionaire also takes it, to deny him the pleasure of watching her suffer.
The Spermacist
You can't win an argument against the Alpha Meat Demolisher.
Played by: Di-Jun Huang
A man with some of the most... interesting arguments you've ever heard. When introduced, he thought that French restaurants were serving him undercooked medium-well meat, and insists on the supremacy of milk first rather than cereal first pouring into a bowl. Those are some of his more level-headed takes.- Afraid of Blood: Downplayed example, ostensibly being the reason why he never has rare meat.The Spermacist: Raw meat grosses me out. I like my meat like I like my women. Healthy and Bloodless.
Faux Cares: Rare meat doesn't have blood.
The Spermacist: Then what is that red filth?
Faux Cares: It's not blood. It's myoglobin.
The Spermacist: That sounds disgusting.
Faux Cares: It's just water and iron. Good protein for you. - Cloudcuckoolander: He says a lot of bizarre things, often on strange leaps of logic.
- Freud Was Right: The entire premise of Milk or Cereal First? - Freudian Cereal., where he claims that the preference between milk first or cereal first is based on one's breastfeeding experience as a baby, and that breasts themselves are also the reason for the shape of cereal bowls.The Spermacist: You can learn a lot about the breasts and age of a friend's mom from their cereal preferences.
- The Grinch: Downplayed. He doesn't seem to hate the holiday of Christmas in itself so much as the concept of Santa Claus, because he "Invades millions of private properties in one night, leaves stuff for kids he doesn't know and steals your favorite cookies", which he thinks is a bad example for the kids. He also thinks that they run Coca-Cola and are a cannibal.
- I Like My X Like I Like My Y: The comparing to 'his women' variant.The Spermacist: I like my meat like I like my women.
Faux Cares: Tense and dry?
The Spermacist: Healthy and Bloodless.The Spermacist: I like my cereal like I like my women's breasts: Not soggy.
Seraphina: Soggy? Do you mean... Saggy?
The Spermacist: Soggy also means "Dull and lifeless", you illiterate. - Insane Troll Logic: In Santa Claus - Friend or Foe?, he argued that Santa Claus must be a Child Eater cannibal because people leave out cookies for him, which must be a sort of tribute to keep him away from their children. This isn't even his most outlandish claim about Santa from that same video.
- Nuke 'em: Apparently one of his ideas of transforming female culture, the target in question being China. He did not end up speaking about his self-professed genocidal ideas or how they actually transform female culture, much to Bowl's disappointment.
- Windmill Crusader: In general, the Spermacist has a sense of moral indignation at problems that aren't really there. He insists on nuking the North Pole because Santa Claus is a baby-eating terrorist criminal mastermind, and he thinks comic book superheroes have no-killing rules because comics want to make the world pacified in the face of American imperialism, and believes that emus and kangaroos are a real threat to humanity.
Critical Orgasm
Played by: Shi-Long Lang
- Robosexual: Continually mocked for his alleged relationship with his smart fridge, Nora Fries. And initially...Goblin Tyrant: Your bodypillow won't cut it anymore, so you want a USB girlfriend?
Critical Orgasm: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MONIKA?!
Single-Episode Characters
Nat
FC, you come from a country where you eat snails and frog legs and you dare jump to say very bad things against pineapple on pizza without even trying it.
Played by: Mia Fey.
Nat is an ardent defender of pineapple on pizza, much to the dismay of Fuck Cares and Harry.
- Bizarre Taste in Food: Harry and Fuck Cares consider her taste in food to be this, as they believe that pineapples objectively do not belong on pizza.
- French Cuisine Is Haughty: Believes French cuisine to be this, much to Fuck Cares' dismay.
- Only One Who Likes Spam: The only person in the conversation who likes pineapple pizza. Even Gringo, who defends her position, does not like pineapple pizza.
Snugglet
LMAO.
Played by: April May.
Snugglet is an advocate of the use of the word 'Latinx' for describing people from Latin American countries. She is an American and does not speak Spanish.
- Hair-Trigger Temper: Despite her frequent uses of "LMAO", it is clear Snugglet is a very angry person who lashes out at people who don't agree with her.
- Signature Laugh: LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- Straw Feminist: A more modern-day example. Snugglet is quick to decry the others' arguments as transphobic with little provocation, even though they did not mention nonbinary people at all when criticizing the word "Latinx".
Satan's Puppet
Played by: Pearl Fey
A little girl who wants Fuck Cares's seat.
- Bratty Half-Pint: Insists that Fuck Cares give up his seat, and becomes increasingly agitated when he refuses. She doesn't want to take "no" for an answer.
- Faux Horrific: Complete with scary music.
- Rant Inducing Slight: Fuck Cares' encounter with her sparks "Should we train eagles to attack our children?", one of the longest debates on the channel.
Baxter
I have black friends.
Played by: The Judge.
A server administrator who defends Volkeh's sense of humour.
- Everyone Has Standards: At the end of the video, Volkeh goes too far even for him, causing him to ban him.
- Some of My Best Friends Are X: Argues that he does have black friends in another server, just that none of them is online to join in the conversation to defend themselves.
Krakard
There is no right or wrong form of comedy and to pretend there’s a correct way is just pretentious bullshit.
Played by: Godot.
A user who is vehemently opposed to the idea that some jokes are invalid.
- What the Hell, Hero?: Is quick to defend Volkeh's "dark humor" and accuse Fuck Cares of being a hypocrite for using dark humor himself.
Vegan
You wouldn't eat a human, would you?
Played by: Adrian Andrews
- A Dog Named "Dog"/Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": She's only referred to as "Vegan".
- Only Sane Woman: She's the only person in a group of four who appears to be uncomfortable with eating humans.
Lulaps
Played by: Maggey Byrde
- Dude, Not Funny!: She doesn't take Bowl's Holocaust jokes very well, since she had relatives who died in it. When Bowl pushes the envelope further, she leaves the server.
- Everyone Has Standards: After Bowl doubles down on his Holocaust joke with a race joke, Lulaps leaves the server in disgust.
Anomaly
I'm working.
Played by: Justine Courtney
The server administrator in the Mister Incredible vs Darth Vader Debate.- Everyone Has Standards: Mutes Absent when he makes one too many perverted jokes.
Puffin
Played by: Ini Miney.
A woman who finds the themes in The Lord of the Rings offensive.- Unfortunate Implications: In-Universe, she believes she is calling them out.
Zelly and Lament
Played by: Desiree DeLite (Zelly), Larry Butz (Lament).
Friends of Harry's, who are asked what defines the word "natural". Gyro Mapples
Played by: Maggey Byrde.
Foo for Thot
Played by: Richard Wellington.
- French Cuisine Is Haughty: Derides French food as "garbage" that only French people would care about.
Annie
MY :CLAPEMOJI: DIET :CLAPEMOJI: IS :CLAPEMOJI: NONE :CLAPEMOJI: OF :CLAPEMOJI: YOUR :CLAPEMOJI: BUSINESS.
Played by: Patricia Roland.
A fat woman who thinks that being concerned about people's health is fat-shaming.- Disproportionate Retribution: The entire video where she appears wouldn't have happened if she hadn't taken an innocuous comment about cows personally. In response, not only does she ban him and Cleo from her "cozy and wholesome" server, but she then proceeds to subject the two of them to a foul-mouthed rant about fat-shaming for nigh on HALF AN HOUR.
- Evil Versus Evil: More akin to Jerkass vs. Jerkass, but the episode "Fitness isn't Fatphobia" ends with Volkeh of all people joining in to challenge her.
- Fat Bastard: Despite seeing herself as a victim of fatphobia, she's more than willing to use racial slurs, shame people, and tell Cleophoebs to kill herself.
- Hypocrite: Accuses people of body-shaming and of treating people as lesser for their appearances, while constantly treating FC's height like it's something to be ashamed of.
- I Resemble That Remark!: After being called out for her narcissism, she posts selfies of herself.
- Lady Swears-A-Lot: Extremely foul-mouthed and unpleasant, and repeatedly calls FC racial slurs "so he'd know what it felt like".
- Mirror Character: She's confrontational, prone to racial slurs, repeatedly spams in chat, calls women she doesn't like "whores", specifically insults FC's height, and has a victim complex so big you'd think thats where she put her lost 33 kilos. In other words, Annie is pretty much the inverted version of Volkeh; a point made clear when she actually argues against Volkeh himself.
- No Name Given: The user's name was changed to "Annie" to protect her privacy.
- Slut-Shaming: Repeatedly calls Cleophoebs a whore because she pole dances as a form of exercise, something FC is quick to defend as not necessarily sexual.
Johnny Depp / Amber Heard videos
Phoenix Wright
Played by:Phoenix Wright.
Phoenix Wright, the main protagonist of the Ace Attorney series and one of the best lawyers around.- Insane Troll Logic: Flying is impossible, specifically if you're an actor, in which you cannot fly without wires. Also, Heard is a lizard person who survived Depp's car exploding with her cold blood and regeneration (which lizards definitely have.)
- Only Sane Man: Subverted. He does state that Johnny Depp could not have laser eyes or flight, not due to them being impossible, but due to no proof Johnny Depp has laser eyes and the fact that actors cannot fly without wires.
Miles Edgeworth
Played by: Miles Edgeworth.
Miles Edgeworth himself, the renowned prosecutor and Phoenix Wright's greatest rival.- Catchphrase: HERESAY!
- Insane Troll Logic: When Heard says she died, Edgeworth states he brought her back by updating her autopsy report from "Dead" to "Deadn't."
Amber Heard
Played by: April May.
- Ax-Crazy: She spends most of the case in her angry sprites, and is fittingly volatile to boot. She even gets so mad towards the end that her colors invert.
- I Have Boobs, You Must Obey!: Fitting her avatar, she has a lot of cleavage. However, this is Played With as she doesn't specifically command people, but rather uses her breasts as an example of how she can't have attacked Johnny Depp, apparently being a frail specimen.
