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     John Lennon vs Bill O'Reilly 

John Lennon

"I'm John Lennon; I'm a legend! I can see through all your tricks!"
Played by: Peter Shukoff

Bill O'Reilly

"Now, here's Sting. What? Fuck it, we'll do it live! "
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist


    Adolf Hitler vs Darth Vader 

Adolf Hitler

"I am Adolf Hitler: Commander of the Third Reich!"
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist

  • Absent Aliens: The Rancor he was going to be fed to doesn't appear and is killed offscreen; with a regular Luger pistol, no less.
  • Acrofatic: More wideset than Hitler in Real Life, but capable of doing Luke Skywalker's forward flip. The best part? Not a stunt double.
  • Adolf Hitlarious: Naturally. All three videos get a lot of mileage out of playing up Hitler's Large Ham tendencies.
  • Ambiguously Gay: The way Hitler mimes when he says he's "dope on the mic," and again when he calls Vader Palpatine's whore. An Urban Legend suggests Hitler's obsession with homosexuals was due to being Armoured Closet Gay.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: In addition to his other well-documented enormities, he also traveled back in time and caused the Badass Decay of Darth Vader in the Star Wars prequels.
  • Asshole Victim: He gets cut in half by Darth Vader at the end of the third, but since he's, well, Hitler, you don't really feel sorry for him.
  • Authority Equals Asskicking: Chancellor and Führer of Germany.
  • Bad Boss: Vader mentions the 20 July plot where Hitler's own officers tried to kill him (for diverse reasons).
  • Badass Longcoat: His Nazi greatcoat.
  • Badass Moustache: Averted - it's Hitler. He may have killed a Rancor and Boba Fett with nothing but a Luger, but it's still Hitler.
  • Badass Normal: He's a real historical figure with no magical or supernatural abilities (obviously), but he still manages to kill a Rancor and Boba Fett with nothing but a Luger P08.
  • Bookends: His last words on ERB are the same as his first: "I am Adolf Hitler!"
  • Breakout Character: Alongside Vader and Abraham Lincoln, he's the only rapper (as of season 5) to feature in three battles, and a non-battle promotion.
  • Butt-Monkey:
    • Frozen in Carbonite, tossed on the ground, and then dropped in the Rancor pit. Then cut in half by his rival.
    • Then his ghost is captured by the Ghostbusters.
  • Card-Carrying Villain: Hitler enjoys his reputation as the most evil man ever.
    Hitler: I am a force truly evil!
  • Combat Pragmatist: Shoots Boba during the middle of his rap.
  • Commissar Cap: Wears a mockup of the historical cap.
  • Composite Character: He is frozen in carbonite like Han Solo, and he escapes the Sarlacc Pit like Luke Skywalker.
  • Country Matters: Is the first character on the show to use the word "cunt". Compare Vader, who interrupted his own verse to think of a way out of saying it.
  • Deadly Euphemism: "Step in my Shower" refers to the Gas Chambers that look like Shower Rooms but were intended to cleanse away the undesirables instead of cleaning the dirt off of them. "Take a ride on my Train" refers to a one-way trip to a Concentration or Extermination Camp. "Pop into my Oven" refers to the Incinerators used to dispose of the Camps' victims.
  • Driven to Suicide: Vader mocks his self-inflicted death.
  • Everyone Has Standards: Hitler prefers Rick Moranis in Spaceballs to Vader. Bear in mind that Spaceballs was a parody done by Mel Brooks, who heavily lampooned Hitler in The Producers - and Hitler still hates Vader more. Also keep in mind that both Brooks and Moranis are Jewish.
  • Evil Has a Bad Sense of Humor: Makes one Holocaust joke per rap battle.
  • Evil Is Hammy: Evil and overwhelmingly hammy.
  • Eviler Than Thou: Claims that, unlike Vader, he is "a force truly evil".
  • Faux Affably Evil: All of his "polite" requests to Vader (to take a shower, to ride on a train, and to pop into an oven) are Deadly Euphemisms for Holocaust terms.
  • Gag Echo: Vader uses this to sum up Hitler's entire rise and fall;
    Vader: You wrote a little book, got 'em fired up, had a beer hall putsch, got 'em fired up and when your bunker ended getting fired up, you put a gun in your mouth and fired up.
  • Half the Man He Used to Be: Darth Vader gets sick of having to deal with him and cuts him in half.
  • Iron Butt Monkey: Being partially blinded as a result from carbonite freezing doesn't stop him from tearing into Vader when he gets the chance, and neither does having to fend off a Rancor.
  • Jerkass: Naturally considering he is considered one of the most evil men (if not the most evil) in history. Several of his lines are jokes about how he had Jews murdered in death camps.
  • Large Ham: Even by this show's standards he has a tremendous presence. In real life, he had a god complex or something similar.
  • Laughably Evil: He'll make you laugh with shock at his brazenness, if nothing else, even while talking about his atrocities.
  • No Indoor Voice: Almost all of his lines are shouted.
  • No Swastikas: Completely absent on his uniform.
  • Once per Episode: It's customary for Hitler to make one off-color Holocaust joke in each of his raps and utter the phrase "I am Adolf Hitler" at least once.
  • Politically Incorrect Villain: It's Hitler. Of course he's not going to be fond of Jewish people, or black people for that reason.
  • Psychopathic Manchild: Type C; his goofiness makes it easy to forget how evil he is, at least until the 3rd installment when he murders Boba Fett onscreen because he's mad that Vader beat him.
  • The Sociopath: Shows no regrets or remorse for his deeds, and frequently makes light of them.
  • Sealed Evil in a Can: His final fate is to be trapped by Ghostbusters in the Season 4 trailer and deposited in their containment unit.
  • Stupid Jetpack Hitler: His claim of going back in time to make Vader whack in the Star Wars prequels.
  • Teeny Weenie: Vader claims he has a "Napoleon dick".
  • Terrible Artist: According to Vader. The real life version washed out of art school.
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: He gives a particularly devastating one to Vader in their second battle; his family trouble, Palpatine's 'whore' etc.
  • Those Wacky Nazis: Duh; he's the head Nazi and wackier than all of them.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Darth Vader tells him that he should have known better than to have invaded Russia, without being properly supplied and kitted out for winter warfare. Especially because Napoleon made this exact mistake over a century before him.
  • Took a Level in Jerkass: He was never a pleasant person to begin with, but in his final match with Darth Vader, he drops the Faux Affably Evil attitude and spews insults at his opponent.
  • Villainous Breakdown: His final verse is composed entirely of insults that don't rhyme, delivered right after Darth Vader rips into everything that Hitler did and summons Boba Fett.
  • Villainous Valour: He's ready to rap within seconds of being thawed out of carbonite (painful, debilitating, and blinding).

Darth Vader

"You can't rhyme against the dark side of the Force. Why even bother?"
Played by: Peter Shukoff

  • A Father to His Men: He notes that millions of his Storm Troopers would be willing to die for him.
  • Avenging the Villain: In the third battle, he kills Hitler to avenge Boba Fett.
  • Authority Equals Asskicking: "I'm the original dark lord; you're like the sorcerer's apprentice".
  • Badass Baritone: It may not be James Earl Jones' voice, but it's still quite deep.
  • Badass Cape: A little shorter than his movie counterpart, but still present.
  • Berserk Button: Completely loses his patience with Hitler after he shoots Boba Fett.
  • Breakout Character: Alongside Hitler and Abraham Lincoln, he's the only rapper (as of season 5) to have three battles.
  • Card-Carrying Villain: The whole reason why he and Hitler battle is that they both regard themselves as the more evil of the two.
  • Combat Pragmatist: Used the force to choke Hitler, then proceeded to freeze him in carbonite in the first rap battle. Later, in the second rap battle, he promptly drops Hitler into the Rancor Pit when he's on a roll. Finally, in the third rap battle, Darth Vader cuts Adolf Hitler in half with his lightsaber while he was in the middle of a verse.
  • Composite Character: He runs Jabba's Palace instead of the Hutt himself.
  • Cool Helmet: Vader's iconic helmet is present.
  • Dark Is Evil: He's the original dark lord.
  • The Dragon: Although he is Sidious' apprentice and enforcer, Hitler derides him by saying that this amounts to "the Emperor's whore".
  • Even Evil Has Standards:
    • He mocks Hitler's attempts to convince the world the Jews are evil. This may be less standards and more insulting him through his failures, though given how he mentions that he has a "homeboy in Israel" and generally seems to hate Hitler, it might be a case of both.
    • He won't use the C word, even interrupting his own rap to avoid it.
  • Evil Overlord: Though he's technically The Dragon for Emperor Palpatine, most of the Empire's armies report to him. They show up in his first verse and freeze Hitler in carbonite.
  • Evil Sounds Deep: His deep baritone voice works well for the Sith Lord.
  • Eviler Than Thou: Everything Hitler did, Vader invented it!
  • Fallen Hero: Once the chosen one, now a tyrannical Sith Lord.
  • Just Toying with Them: Vader only thawed Hitler from carbonite to have a rematch and to drop him into the Rancor pit.
  • Kick the Son of a Bitch: To Hitler. In their first rap battle he freezes him in carbonite. In their second, he thaws him out just to toy with him, then drops him into the Rancor pit. In their third, he tries feeding him to the Sarlaac beast, and after Hitler shoots Boba Fett he decides to cut him in half.
  • Last-Second Word Swap: Evidently; Vader ends one line with "runt" and pauses halfway through the follow-up seemingly because he hesitates to use the most obvious rhyme. One Stormtrooper suggests a Painful Rhyme and he decides to roll with it.
  • Laughably Evil: Like his opponent, he's much goofier than his canon counterpart, but still every bit as evil.
  • A Lighter Shade of Black: There's no doubt he's evil, but he's still got the moral high ground over one of history's greatest monsters, Adolf Hitler.
  • Luke, I Am Your Father: Vader may or may not know if he's Hitler's father, because he used the line in conjunction with a Your Mom joke.
  • Malevolent Masked Men: Only shows his face once.
  • Nightmare Face: Without the mask, his face is seriously scarred - and it's not presented in an Ugly Cute sort of way as it was in Return Of The Jedi.
  • Pragmatic Villainy: While he, in part, believes that Hitler is a disgusting being, pragmatism is also a reason that he mocks Hitler. He's aware that a regime based on nationalism and racism can only persist for so long, before it eventually falls apart from the pressure of having so many enemies.
  • Psychic Powers: Darth Vader is force-sensitive, after all. He uses it to force choke Hitler in the first rap.
  • Psychopathic Manchild: Type C; Not as much as Hitler, but a lot of his insults in the first battle sound like they come from a 13-year old on Xbox Live.
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: He absolutely tears into Hitler's political opinions and his military strategy in his third battle with him.
  • Sell-Out: According to Hitler. He isn't going to let Vader forget that Disney owns his franchise anytime soon.
  • Sunglasses at Night: Hitler calls him "Mr. Sunglasses-all-the-time."
  • Vader Breath: Hitler exploits by saying he should use the force to fix his respirator.
  • Villainous Friendship: With Boba Fett, as shown in the third because he reacts with Tranquil Fury when his "homeboy" is shot.
  • You Need a Breath Mint: According to Hitler he needs a 'life saver' instead of a 'light saber'.
  • Your Mom: "So many dudes been with your mom, who even knows if I'm your father?!"

     Abraham Lincoln vs Chuck Norris 

Abraham Lincoln

"I won the Civil War with my beard! Now I'm here to whup your ass!"
Played by: Peter Shukoff

  • Ascended Extra: Although he's only had one actual battle to his name, he's nonetheless made cameos as a background character in numerous other episodes, as well as showing up to rap in person in both Obama vs Romney and Trump vs Clinton. He's one of the most frequently recurring characters on the show and could even be considered one of its unofficial mascots.
  • Authority Equals Asskicking: The 16th President of the United States and thus has no problem telling off Presidents #44, #45, and their electoral opponents.
  • Badass Beard: "I won the Civil War with my beard!"
  • Berserk Button: Goes absolutely bananas on Donald Trump for defiling the Republican Party. He doesn't really have a better opinion of Hillary Clinton either, as she is such a poor candidate Trump actually has a decent chance of winning.
  • Broken Pedestal: The Republican Party as a whole is this to him for nominating the likes of Mitt Romney and Donald Trump for the Presidential race. He also mocks Chuck Norris for voting for John McCain in 2008, another Republican candidate.
  • The Cameo: Abraham Lincoln briefly appears in the Season 3 premiere, as Hitler's (attempted) executioner. He also shows up in Obama vs Romney and Trump vs Clinton, and appears as a background character in other episodes as well.
  • Cannot Tell a Lie: Whatever he speaks is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. "I never tell a lie and I won't start now!"
  • Complaining About Shows You Don't Watch: An In-Universe defiance. Evidently Abraham Lincoln doesn't approve of such behavior, and he draws the line at it: "I'd make fun of Walker, Texas Ranger / but I've never even seen that show!"
  • Drill Sergeant Nasty: Towards Hillary after she chuckles at his yelling at Trump for defiling his party.
    "Wipe that creepy-ass smile off your face and beat this dummy!"
  • Hard Head: He can catch bullets with his skull!
  • Hostile Show Takeover: Towards the end of the Obama vS. Romney and Trump vs. Clinton matches he drops in and steals the show.
  • Large Ham:
  • Nice Hat: His signature top hat.
  • No Indoor Voice: Mainly in his second and third appearances where he's shouting every word due to his frustration with his successors. In fact he seems to be getting even louder and angrier with each subsequent appearance.
  • Oh, Crap!: When Chuck Norris grows giant sized and goes on a Badass Boast rant.
  • Our Presidents Are Different: As President Action, he interrupts the rap battle between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama to slap them both. He also interrupts the rap battle between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to slap him and intimidate her.
  • Precision F-Strike: His outrage at Trump about to violate his N-Word Privileges talking about Obama prompts him to intervene in that battle before Trump can finish the sentence screaming:
    "Are you fucking kidding me!?"
  • Punctuated Pounding:
    • At the end of his rant against the presidential candidates, he gives Obama and Romney a slap to the face each while reminding them of their responsibility.
    Lincoln: Of the people! [slaps Obama] By the people! [slaps Romney] For the people! Eagle!
    • He repeats the act later, but doesn't slap Hillary. He gives her a Death Glare after slapping Trump a second time, implying that the slap would have been for her had she been a man.
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: In Obama vs. Romney, when the two devolve into childish insults, Lincoln reroutes the debate back to the actual issues at hand, and accurately points out the faults of both of them while also acknowledging the valid points they make. Three seasons later in Trump vs. Hillary, he intervenes again to shut down Trump's racist ranting and also chew Hillary out for relying on waiting for Trump's campaign to self-destruct instead of putting up a real fight. In general, he is probably the most sympathetically portrayed of the authority figures shown in the series and is the one who seems most fit to be in charge. He also refuses to criticize a show without watching it.
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Delivers to Obama ("Don't talk about change, just do it!") and Romney ("You're a pancake, fliptopity!") Interestingly, he seems to appreciate Obama to some degree though he's disappointed in him, while he just insults Romney. Does it again in season 5 when he intervenes between Trump and Hillary's rap battle to give one of these to those two.
  • Shoo Out the Clowns: He's completely absent from the "Donald Trump vs Joe Biden" battle after showing up in both previous presidential rap battles.
  • Took a Level in Badass: He goes from doing okay in his battle against Chuck Norris, to bitch-slapping Obama, Romney, and Trump twice.
  • Wouldn't Hit a Girl: It's ambiguous. When he appears to chastize Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, he slaps Trump, but instead of slapping Clinton, he just slaps Trump again while giving Clinton a Death Glare. Clinton is suitably afraid. Considering he told Clinton to "beat this dummy", this may have been less because she's a woman and more because he just hates Trump more. Then again, Obama garnering some of his sympathy didn't spare him a bitchslap...

Chuck Norris

"I am Chuck fucking Norris!"
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist

  • Asskicking Equals Authority: Many of the characters on the show are presidents, kings, emperors, etc. Chuck, on the other hand, has no sort of official rank at all. He's everyone's master because he can kick all their asses. (Except Bruce Lee.)
  • Badass Beard: Lincoln briefly refers to it; mentioning the Chuck Norris fact that it can block bullets.
  • Badass Boast: Seven in a row, in the form of Chuck Norris Facts that comprise his second verse, all belted out at the top of his lungs as he's one hundred feet tall, glowing, and on fire.
    I've spread more blood and gore than forty score of your puny civil wars, bitch!
    I split the union with a roundhouse kick/I wear a black belt on the beard that I grow on my dick!
    I attack sharks when I smell them bleed/I don't go swimming, water just wants to be around me!
    My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster/you may have freed the slaves, but Chuck is everyone's master!
  • Berserk Button: When Abraham Lincoln dumps a bucket of pennies on his head, he gets mad. And shortly after, Lincoln says he'd make fun of Walker, Texas Ranger, but he never watched it, then Chuck explodes:
  • Eldritch Abomination: His second verse implies that he's not human and instead a Cosmic Horror beyond human comprehension. The evidence? He quickly grows to 100 ft, glows, his voice echoes, and according to his boasts he makes, the laws of physics twist into knots by his presence alone.
  • Memetic Badass: His verses capitalize on his status as this, as rather than any actual real life facts about him, they are practically comprised of Chuck Norris Facts and memes.
  • Nice Hat: Wears a cowboy hat during his first verse.
  • No Indoor Voice: During his second verse when he activates his Super Mode and becomes gigantic.
  • Offhand Backhand: During his first verse, he casually deflects a few different attacks without looking at them or breaking his lyrical flow.
  • Rapid-Fire Fisticuffs: His fists are faster than the speed of light.
  • Super Mode: In the form of Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever.
  • Threatening Shark: Inverted in typical Chuck Norris fact fashion; "I attack sharks when I smell them bleed!"

     Sarah Palin vs Lady Gaga 

Sarah Palin

"I killed moose with my bare hands before you were alive! "
Played by: Lisa Nova

Lady Gaga

"Your frigid little body couldn't even handle what I do."
Played by: Peter Shukoff

     Kim Jong-Il vs Hulk Hogan 

Kim Jong-Il

"The name's Kim Jong. I got a license to IL! "
Played by: Timothy DeLaGhetto

  • A God Am I: Arrogantly proclaims this word for word.
  • Anime Hair: Hulk Hogan says it makes him look like Sonic the Hedgehog's mom.
  • Authority Equals Asskicking: He's a dictator of a country with nuclear weapons.
  • Berserk Button: He flips out when Hulk Hogan thinks that Beijing is in North Korea.
  • Bigger Is Better in Bed: "North Korea bitch let me give you a tour, by the way, your wife says my dick is bigger than yours!"
  • BFG: A rocket launcher.
  • Combat Pragmatist: Why rap when you can shoot the other guy with a RPG-7?
  • Fat Bastard: Made even worse considering that he starves his own people.
  • Four Eyes, Zero Soul: A ruthless dictator who wears glasses.
  • Groin Attack: Threatens to do this to Hogan: "I'll suplex you by your friggin' dick hair!"
  • Historical Villain Downgrade: While still clearly an asshole, his notoriety of violating human rights is only mentioned in passing.
  • Jerkass: He thinks pretty highly of himself even though he's clearly a dick.
  • The Napoleon: He's a lot shorter than either of his opponents and isn't shy about being aggressive towards both of them. Savage briefly refers to it.
    Macho Man: I don't like to hit little bitches with glasses, but when midgets step up, I stomp midget asses.
  • Sinister Shades: They cover his eyes and he never takes them off.

The Mega Powers - Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage

Hulk Hogan Played by: Peter Shukoff
Macho Man Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
"You got a ring side seat to your own smackdown, brother!"

  • Badass Beard: Randy's beard is wild and makes him look tough, while Hogan has his trademark 'stache.
  • Badass Moustache: Hulk sports an awesome handlebar.
  • Celebrity Endorsement
    Randy Savage: Watch me snap into a Slim-Jim Kim Jong-Il!
  • The Cameo: Randy Savage briefly appears in the Season 3 premiere.
  • Combat Pragmatist: Savage has no problem hitting aggressive midgets, though he does express that he prefers not to hit guys with glasses.
  • Cool Shades: Randy's shades are definitely an 80s throwback.
  • Dumb Blonde: What Kim Jong-Il thinks of Hulk Hogan after Hogan's Global Ignorance shines through.
  • Eagle Land: Both have a mix of Type 1 and 2; They're the good guys, but they have Global Ignorance, solve all their problems with violence and threats of it, etc.
  • Global Ignorance: Hulk thinks Beijing is in Korea.
  • Interchangeable Asian Cultures: Hulk can't tell them apart and knows very little about North Korea, something Kim Jong-Il calls him out on.
  • Made of Iron: Hulk survives a missile to the chest!
    • Dented Iron: ...But he still has to tag in the Macho Man to finish the battle.
  • Nice Hat: Randy's hat and Hulk's bandanna.
  • Take Up My Sword: Randy Savage does this, as he only comes into the match after Hogan is hit by a rocket and unable to continue.
  • You Wouldn't Hit a Guy with Glasses?: Randy makes mention that he usually doesn't hit "midgets with glasses" ,but since his opponent Kim Jong-Il he threatens to make an exception.

     Ludwig van Beethoven vs Justin Bieber 

Ludwig van Beethoven

"I've crafted masterpieces that will last throughout the ages!"
Played by: Peter Shukoff

Justin Bieber

"Here's some aspirin: you're catching Bieber fever tonight!"
Played by: Alex Farnham

  • Bratty Half-Pint: An arrogant child trying to run with a famous musician.
  • Curb Stomp Cushion: He may not do that well, but he does get one or two good hits in, like when he tells Beethoven that his own music made him deaf or when he offers him aspirin and says, "You're catching Bieber Fever tonight!"
  • Kid-anova: If his verses are to be believed, he can seduce older women.
  • Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Beethoven calls him a "little white Usher".
  • Teeny Weenie: When Beethoven tells Bieber he can't even hit puberty, Bach again pops up on screen, making a sad face, and another "it was this big" gesture, holding his finger and thumb roughly an inch apart.

     Albert Einstein vs Stephen Hawking 

Albert Einstein

"Albert E equals MC squared!"
Played by: Zach Sherwin

  • Badass Bookworm: He blows minds with his battle theory.
  • Badass Boast: Claims that he could school Hawking anywhere from M.I.T. to Oxford.
  • Badass Mustache: Has the one that the real Einstein famously did but Hawking says it looks like something glued to a troll doll.
  • Bullying the Disabled: Makes fun of Hawking's condition a few times, and even threatens him with physical violence.
  • Doppelgänger Spin: He does a battle-rap version of this when he claims that "I'm as dope as two rappers" and a double of him appears.
  • Einstein Hair: The Trope Namer himself has his trademark wild hair, or in Hawking's opinion, troll doll hair.
  • Herr Doktor: Well, Einstein was German, so of course he comes with the accent. Though the accent drops at the end when ripping into Hawking's black hole theory.
  • Kick the Dog: Some of his raps are directly aimed at Hawking's disability, which is nastier than anything Hawking dissed.
  • Large Ham: Very passionate and his gestures make him seem even more so next to the immobile Hawking.
  • Pungeon Master: "Minds are relatively blown," "Albert E. equals MC squared"... the list goes on.

Stephen Hawking

"I got 12-inch rims on my chair. That's how I roll, y'all!"
Played by: Peter Shukoff

     Genghis Khan vs The Easter Bunny 

Genghis Khan

"From Poland to Korea, I ravaged the land!"
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist

Easter Bunny

"The Easter Bunny, baby; I deserve to be arrogant!"
Played by: Peter Shukoff

  • Ambiguously Gay: Has some rather camp mannerisms.
  • Break the Haughty: He claims that he deserves to be arrogant, but gets his ass handed to him by Genghis.
  • Butt-Monkey: Not surprisingly, he gets easily intimidated by Genghis Khan in the rap battle. The funny part is how easily scared he is of Khan's aggressive rapping and then later begs him to get out of his face and go back to his village.
  • Dirty Coward: He goes from threatening to shove his foot up Khan's crotch to saying that there's no need for meanness and they should keep it peaceful after he gets threatened.
  • Joke Character: Not even The Announcer is impressed.
  • Killer Rabbit: What he claims; can't back it up.
  • Mascot: One in denial, for Hallmark, according to Genghis Khan.
  • Nice Guy: Claims to be one when he talks about giving people candy.

     Napoleon Bonaparte vs Napoleon Dynamite 

Napoléon Bonaparte

"How dare you address moi, you adolescent worm!"
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist

  • Authority Equals Asskicking: He's the Emperor of the French.
  • Cultural Posturing: Treats his French heritage as a source of pride. Which is odd because the real Napoleon spoke French with a thick Corsican accent that he never lost.
  • The Emperor: Of France, as in real life.
  • Four-Star Badass: One of the great generals of history, and mentions it many times.
  • Gratuitous French: Mostly raps in English, but breaks into French for one line.
  • The Napoleon: Thoroughly averted despite being the Trope Namer. His height is mentioned several times, but it doesn't faze him one bit and he never brings the topic up at all.
  • Nice Hat: Wears his famous hat from many a painting.
  • Pintsized Powerhouse: He's tiny, but he's one hell of a rapper, and one of the best generals in history.
  • Shallow Parody: Somewhat unusually for this series, this version of Napoleon doesn't reference any of the historical figure's personality or accomplishments besides being short and a stereotypical French Jerk. And these are both Hollywood History - the actual Napoleon was average height and culturally Italian. To be fair it's difficult to see how this could have been avoided as it would have been even more silly to have Napoleon rapping about his actual accomplishments when his opponent was Napoleon Dynamite.
  • Virgin-Shaming: Endorses the idea that Napoleon isn't a real man because he's a virgin.
  • White Stallion: Rides it into the battle during the introduction, and was famously depicted atop one in paintings.

Napoleon Dynamite

"I got skills! I'll put you in a half Horatio Nelson!"
Played by: Peter Shukoff

     Benjamin Franklin vs Billy Mays 

Benjamin Franklin

"I'm mint; I'm money! I'm an educated gentleman!"
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist

Billy Mays

"Hi, Billy Mays here with a special TV offer!"
Billy Played by: Colin J. Sweeney

Ofer "Vince Offer" Shlomi (The Shamwow Guy)

"You following me, camera guy? 'Cause it's about to get furious!"'
Played by: Peter Shukoff

  • Take Up My Sword: Billy Mays dies of a heart attack before he can complete his second verse. Vince steps in to finish the battle.

    Gandalf vs Dumbledore 


"You shall not pass!"
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist

Albus Dumbledore

"I'mma fly like it's Quidditch!"
Played by: Peter Shukoff


     William Shakespeare vs Dr Seuss 

William Shakespeare

"The Bard is in the building. It's a castle, I'm a boss!"
Played by: George Watsky

  • Acceptable Targets: Rounds out his first verse by accusing Seuss of writing Twilight.
  • Alas, Poor Yorick: Holds up the famous skull just before kicking into Motor Mouth.
  • Antiquated Linguistics: Complete with Iambic Pentameter considering how old he is compared to Dr.Seuss.
  • Badass Beard: He has a nice goatee like the Real Life Shakespeare with a Badass Mustache to boot.
  • Badass Bookworm: Considered to be the greatest writer in the English language and the world's greatest playwright, he is this by definition.
  • Boring Insult: It's hard to catch but this is how he starts his attack in the second verse.
    You're pathetically predictable. You think your new book might include a trisyllabic meter and some ghetto muppet creatures?
  • Cultured Badass: He'll chew you out in accurate Iambic Pentameter.
  • Gratuitous Iambic Pentameter: His first verse is structured like one of his plays.
  • I Am Not Left-Handed: Changes gears from Iambic Pentameter to Motor Mouth in response to the Cat in the Hat entering the battle.
  • Jaw Drop: His second verse, which is a case of Motor Mouth, provokes this from both Seuss and the Cat in the Hat.
  • Large Ham: Because he's LITERALLY Shakespeare, his rapping is very classy and theatrical.
  • Kill 'Em All: One of his plays, Macbeth, is described as "1 + 2 = so much blood."
  • Motor Mouth: In his second verse, he increases the pace of his raps. The Cat in the Hat acknowledges his speed but isn't impressed.
  • Pretender Diss: An odd example; Will takes shots at the quality of Seuss's writing and character, before adding "And to top it off you're not a doctor".
  • Sophisticated as Hell: Will mix lines from his play with rather pedestrian insults.
    I'll put a slug between your shoulder blades, then ask "What light through yonder poser breaks?"

Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss Played by: Mickey Meyer
The Cat in the Hat Played by: Peter Shukoff
Things 1 and 2 both Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist

  • Art Initiates Life: He creates the Cat in the Hat and Thing 1 and Thing 2 from drawings.
  • Art Attacker: He draws the Cat in the Hat and Things 1 and 2 to life, who then raps on his behalf.
  • Ax-Crazy: Things 1 and 2 spout nothing but bloodthirsty lines, and seem like they would love to physically harm Shakespeare.
  • Badass Bookworm: He's very quiet and doesn't look too physically intimidating, but he doesn't need to be when he can summon his creations to kick ass for him. Plus he ends his "verses" by slamming a book closed.
  • Berserk Button: Don't accuse him of writing the Twilight books.
  • Book Snap: Unlike most instances of this trope, he employs this to punctuate the end of his characters' verses.
  • The Brute: Things 1 and 2 are Dr. Seuss' minions who are much more violent, crude, and aggressive than the Cat in the Hat.
  • Cool Hat: As befitting his name, the Cat in the Hat wears the one that is so iconic to his character.
  • Cool Shades: The Cat wears Peter's signature glasses.
  • Cloud Cuckoolander: Throughout the bulk of the battle, he seems to be oblivious to what's going on. Until Shakespeare accuses him of writing the Twilight books...
  • The Dragon: The Cat in the Hat was created to rap on his behalf.
  • Funny Background Event: While the Cat in the Hat mentions boats, the background changes to a boat and Seuss immediately becomes seasick. With rainbows.
  • Handicapped Badass: He cannot speak on account of his throat cancer. It doesn't stop him from standing up the a literary giant like Shakespeare.
  • Kubrick Stare: Engages in long ones that leave Shakespeare shaken just before and just after the Cat's verse.
  • Marionette Master: His artwork does the rapping.
  • Mechanically Unusual Fighter: He is the only title "rapper" to not actually rap, rather he paints his characters to life and has them rap on his behalf.
  • Not That Kind of Doctor: Gets called out by Shakespeare for not being an actual doctor.
  • The Voiceless: He never talks; his creations do that for him.

     Mr T vs Mr Rogers 

Mr. T

"I pity the fool who tries to step to Clubber Lang!"
Played by: DeStorm Power

  • Badass Beard: Retains the intimidating and badass beard Mr. T had in Rocky III.
  • Badass Crew: He's got the A-Team to help him out.
  • Berserk Button: He doesn't react kindly to being called dumb.
  • Bling of War: His neck chains are all gold. He threatens to dip Mr. Roger's friends in the gold and add them to his collection.
  • Dumb Muscle: Mister Rogers claims that he calls himself "T" because he's "too dumb to spell".
  • No Indoor Voice: Most of his lines are shouted and are much, much louder than those of Mr. Rogers.
  • No-Nonsense Nemesis: His lines don't contain any jokes or funny bits; they're straight out attacks.
  • Scary Black Man: The real Mr. T is famous for this and it's played up here too; lots of threats and stuff.
  • Trash Talk: His lines are exclusively this. A lot of rappers go for boasting about themselves, he just goes on the attack.
  • True Companions: The A-Team's got his back.
  • Verbal Tic: "Punk!", "Fool!" and "Sucka!"

Mr. Fred Rogers

"Hi there, neighbor."
Played by: Peter Shukoff

  • Ax-Crazy: Slips into a tranquil sort of violent creepy when Mr. T says he'll "call CPS about them kids on your lap!"
  • Batter Up!: Mr. McFeely carries one and threatens Mr. T with it.
  • Berserk Button: Accusations of child molestation make him take a nasty turn.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: Acts friendly through much of his lines, but when Mr. T accuses him of child molestation, he drops the friendly attitude and gets serious. He also threatens to cut MR. T into pieces. And at the end of his second verse, Mr. McFeely can be seen in the background, menacingly holding a baseball bat, apparently ready to use it if Mr. T doesn't leave.
  • Creepy Monotone: Part of his second verse is delivered this way, when he's obviously seething about being accused of child molestation.
  • Dissonant Serenity: He smiles fondly and nonchalantly changes his shoes while Mr. T threatens him and curses him out.
  • Lethal Joke Character: Note how the music changes when he's announced; it seems to be setting up for a Curb-Stomp Battle reminiscent of Genghis Khan vs. the Easter Bunny, but he proceeds to have a chilling rap of his own.
  • Nice Guy: He's one of the few characters who's polite to his opponent. The worst he does insult-wise is friendly teasing. Then his Berserk Button is pushed.
  • Nice Shoes: Mentions putting on his sneakers so he won't get blood on his penny loafers.
  • OOC Is Serious Business: Mister Rogers gladly accepts anyone into his neighborhood, except for people who call him a pedophile. Then shit will get real.
  • Precision F-Strike: Delivers a pointed one to Mr. T; "get the fuck out of my neighborhood".
  • Terms of Endangerment: Precedes his final threat by addressing Mr. T as Lawrence.
  • Tranquil Fury: Rogers is clearly pissed at Mr. T's joke about child molestation, but his only reaction is to slip into a calm, even, and creepy monotone. This is noteworthy given that he was jovial until that point.

     Captain Kirk vs Christopher Columbus 

Christopher Columbus

"I'll stick a flag up your ass and claim you for Spain!"
Played by: Peter Shukoff

Captain James Tiberius Kirk

"I'm the…enterprising captain, James…Tiberius Kirk."
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist

  • Anything That Moves: Makes out with a Green-Skinned Space Babe right after decking her.
  • Bully Hunter: Hates the way Columbus treated the natives and wants to punish the man for it.
  • The Captain: Considers himself a better one.
  • Confusion Fu: Columbus's face when he starts rapping suggests this because he appears dumbfoundedbythe….strange way...inwhichKirk speaks.
  • Cool Starship: The Enterprise.
  • Hypocrite: Claims Columbus discovered a new world that was already inhabited when Kirk did this himself.

     Nice Peter vs Epic Lloyd 


"I'm trying to make art, mother fucker!"
Played by: Himself

  • Atrocious Alias: Lloyd rips into his handle in their second battle by claiming it sounds like a term for a penis.
  • Authority Equals Asskicking: Co-creator of the rap battles.
  • Bald of Awesome: He's balding, but not truly bald by the time of the first rap battle. He lost his hair at some point afterwards. Lloyd cracks that his hairline is scared of him and is retreating.
  • Call-Back:
    • When he says "You and Bill O'Reilly can both suck my dick", he literally turns into John Lennon again for a second.
    • In the rematch, he references his 10-Minute Retirement from the first, telling Lloyd "Tonight I'm not quitting the battles, bitch I'm quitting YOU!"
  • Cool Shades: Until the end of his first verse where he takes them off. Apparently they weren't cool enough to keep.
  • Control Freak: According to Lloyd, he keeps creative control to himself obsessively and constantly fiddling with the others' roles. But conversely, when they need direction out of him, he's goofing off and keeping them waiting.
  • Creator Breakdown: In-Universe, Peter starts the second battle by complaining that after six years of working with Lloyd, he's totally burnt out and can't muster the same passion he used to.
  • Embarrassing Middle Name: Alexis; it's part of EpicLLOYD's attack.
  • Executive Meddling: In-Universe, Lloyd calls out how if Peter didn't mess with the tracks, they'd be home at 10pm instead of 4am. Peter says he messes with the team's work because they aren't good enough to do it right the first time.
  • Felony Misdemeanor: He does a Jaw Drop when Lloyd threatens to unsubscribe his Youtube channel. Alternately, it could be a reaction to the Fan Disservice of Lloyd stripping in front of him (offscreen).
  • Follow the Leader: In-Universe. According to Lloyd, he was nobody before he "rode up on KassemG's jock".
  • Hypocritical Humor: Accuses Lloyd of focusing more on sex references than the more clever and artistic side of the rap battles. Lloyd retorts that his internet handle is a literal dick joke.
  • Man of a Thousand Voices: He has given unique voices to the twenty-seven rappers that he has played thus far (as well as the Announcer).
  • Pointy-Haired Boss: Lloyd says that whenever he's not micromanaging the team or keeping Lloyd in the studio for hours fiddling with the tracks, he's off somewhere getting stoned and playing video games when they actually need his input.
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: The blue to Lloyd's red in the first battle, mostly standing there calmly and with flatter, less threatrical delivery. This is reversed in the first part of the rematch, where almost all of his first verse is a continuous screaming rant.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: "Man, you don't even need to say that kind of shit. Fuck the rap battles and you. I quit!" Defied by Kassem, "You're gonna make them bigger and better."
  • 10-Minute Retirement: Kassem makes his "the battles will continue" declaration ten seconds after Nice Peter's declaration that they will end.
  • Three Chords and the Truth: Peter boasts that he wrote all of Lloyd's best verses and the latter has no songwriting talent. Lloyd just remarks that he wrote 87 songs with the same chord progression, so he shouldn't talk.
  • With Friends Like These...: According to Lloyd's rap in the rematch, this is his relationship with the rest of the crew.
    Lloyd: You manipulate your friends and then you throw 'em away!
    I don't know who you shit on worse, myself or Dante!


"You're taller than I am, but you look up to me!"
Played by: Himself

  • Accidental Misnaming: Kassem calls him Todd.
  • The Alcoholic: Peter accuses him of trying to drink his problems away instead of solving them in the rematch.
  • Always Second Best: Runs the Behind the Scenes channel ERB2, which Peter lets him do because he's "second-class".
  • Authority Equals Asskicking: Co-creator of the rap battles.
  • Bald of Awesome: It's only visible for his first two lines before a hat covers it, but it's still awesome.
  • Big, Stupid Doodoo-Head: Caps off his first verse in the rematch by mutating NicePeter into NiceDiva. Peter just snarks that his jokes sound like primary school fluff.
  • Happily Married: Is currently married to Josie Ahlquist, who appears in "Harry Houdini vs. David Copperfield" as Houdini's wife, Bess.
  • Hyper-Competent Sidekick: Claims to be this. Lloyd says that without him around Peter would make (more) bad creative decisions, alienate the rest of the team, and lose everything that they'd built for six years.
  • Just Here for Godzilla: In-universe; claims that people only go to Peter's page for the rap battles.
  • The Load: Is accused of this by Peter, who thinks that the rap battles could have been even more successful if not for Lloyd fighting against Peter's creative ideas.
  • Manchild: Peter says he has a juvenile attitude towards making the rap battles and calls him "an 8-year-old boy stuck inside a whatever-year-old man".
  • Man of a Thousand Voices: He has given unique voices to the twenty-five rappers that he has played thus far. In addition, he has played multiple characters at once.
  • The Napoleon: Most of Peter's first verse focuses on Lloyd's (lack of) height. Lloyd snaps back that, while he's shorter, Peter looks up to him.
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: The red to Peter's blue in the first battle, constantly using more dramatic and bouncy body language. This is reversed in the first part of the rematch, where he spends his verse closer to Tranquil Fury.
  • Scully Box: This is an Invoked Trope in the rematch. Peter briefly imitates Lloyd by wearing his hat, changing his voice to be more like Lloyd's, and standing on a box to look taller.
  • Shorter Means Smarter: The rap battles were his idea, not Peter's, and he's quick to make that point.
  • Take That, Us: Twice he blasts the series' interpretation of Batman, claiming he tried to put a stop to it but Peter was too stubborn to listen.
  • The Starscream: According to Peter, he keeps trying to steal more creative control over the battles whenever he can.
  • You Get What You Pay For: Peter accuses him of being too cheap to let him hire better editors, so the two of them wouldn't have to stay up 'til the early morning fixing their poor work.

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