Mickey and Eddie's biological mother.
- Meaningful Name: Johnston is a rather common surname in England, emphasising the family's lower-class status, but the variation makes it seem down to earth (stone).
- Took a Level in Jerkass: Once he is made redundant.Mickey: Eddie, just do me a favour an' piss off, will ye?
Seeming to be the humanoid zeitgeist of the entire situation, they drift amongst the fray giving their disdain.
- Catchphrase: "The Devil's got your number"
- Gender-Neutral Narrator: They can be either male or female. The gender doesn't matter: what does is that they convey that almost uncaring indifference.
- Interactive Narrator: He can be seen trying to advise the main characters.
- Sharp-Dressed Man: Despite being gender-neutral, the Narrator is always dressed in a black suit.
- Spirit Advisor: In some productions he seems to give Mrs Johnstone advice which is obviously not honoured. He is normally not on anyone's side.
- Troll: Although he's an independent party he likes to rip on Mrs Lyons.
- Meaningful Name: Lyons invokes the image of a pride of lions, and pride is definitely something Mrs. Lyons values heavily.
- My Beloved Smother: She does not want Eddie hanging out with the wrong kinds and especially Mickey.
- Sanity Slippage: As Eddie gets closer to Mickey, she becomes even more superstitious than Mrs. Johnstone along the way.