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Charles BarkleyThe famous B-Ball player. After the events of Space Jam, he performed a chaos dunk that killed a lot people (including his wife Maureen). Now bitter and cynical he raises his son Hoopz.
- Anti-Hero: Barkley's only concern is protecting his son and is otherwise unconcerned with the plight of others unless it helps him advance his goals. He also proves to be the most Weak-Willed of the protagonists as the only one to fail the Secret Test of Character at the end of the game.
- The Atoner: Barkley performed the Chaos Dunk that threw the world into its currently ruined state, destroyed the sport he loved, and killed millions, including his wife.
- Bald, Black Leader Guy: He only leads a Ragtag Bunch of Misfits here, rather than an army or B-Ball team, but it still counts.
- Calling Your Attacks: "CHAAAAAAOOOOOOSSS DUUUUUUUUNNK!"
- Celibate Hero: After the death of his wife, Barkley would never allow himself to fall for another woman.
- Compressed Vice: In the Cuchulainn's Tomb arc, each character is faced with a desire that they must resist. Barkley's is the only one that wasn't already established, despite him having many desires such as Hoopz safety, bringing his wife back, reversing the damage he caused to the world, etc. He's tempted with gold. He fails.
- Dual Wielding: After you acquire the Hell b-ball you will also use Shimmerglobe with after you leave Cuchulainn's tomb.
- Fantastic Racism: He really hates the "gatdam animal people" of Cesspool X and treats them with pure disgust.
- Gold Fever: In the Temple of Cuchulainn, he fails his Secret Test of Character by succumbing to his desire for Incan gold.
- I Know Madden Kombat: Barkley fights using his B-Ball skill and uses balls as his main weapons. He encounters various other enemies who do so.
- Improbable Weapon User: Charles Barkley, unsurprisingly, fights with all kinds of balls. Soccerballs, volleyballs, basketballs, spiked balls, mystic balls... If that's not enough he can dual wield (later) too!
- Mighty Glacier: Slowest of the party members and the resident tank.
- Never Got to Say Goodbye: Barkley's wife Maureen was killed in the Chaos Dunk.
- Older Than They Look: Considering that the real Charles Barkley was born in 1963, he would have to be 89 by the time the game takes place.
- Only Sane Man: He typically acts as the relative straight man to the wackiness of the setting, though even he has his moments.
- Papa Wolf: Barkley's primary concern above all else is his desire to be a good father to Hoopz and protect him from harm.
Hoopz BarkleyThe son of Charles and Maureen. When he was born he was in the form of a b-ball. Only known other survivor of the chaos dunk.
- Aerith and Bob: In a game where most people tend to have regular names, Hoopz stands out quite a bit.
- Whats even more weird he was named after Charles Barkley's Grandfather.
- The Chosen One: But whatever it is he was chosen to do, he doesn't do it in this game. At the very least, he seems to be completely immune to the powers of Cuchulainn.
- Genre Savvy: Hoopz is an experienced enough gamer that he immediately knows what to do when the party encounters some well-worn vidcon trope.
- The Pollyanna: Hoopz is a cheerful and naive young man with an optimistic outlook on life, in contrast to his father's world-wary cynicism.
- The Gunslinger: Or more precisely, Gun'sbraster.
- I Know Mortal Kombat: Hoopz can do a ton of things based on the fact that he knows about "vidcons", to which Barkley repeatedly shows his pride."Vidcons, dad."
- Infant Immortality: Hoopz was the sole survivor of the first Chaos Dunk.
Ultimate Hellbane/Balthios James
Ultimate Hellbane/Balthios JamesThe octoroon great-grandson of Lebron James. He is also the terrorist known as Ultimate Hellbane, he possesses zaubers that B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. wanted, now he secretly fights against B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.
- Aerith and Bob: In a game where most people tend to have regular names, Balthios stands out quite a bit.
- Impossibly Cool Weapon: Zaubers are not a typo for sabers! It's never explained what a zauber really is, but if we go by the game and the sprites, it's a Cool Sword that gives you Elemental Powers, even snail powers!
- Magic Knight: He's the team mage who fights with magic swords.
- Our Werebeasts Are Different: In an optional scene, Balthios reveals that he's a Wereduergar, who transforms into a raging Duergar every Columbus Day.
- Your Terrorists Are Our Freedom Fighters: He's branded a terrorist by the media.
VinceborgFormerly B-Ball player Vince Carter, he was made into a cyborg by B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.
- Crutch Character: Don't get too used to Vinceborg's uncanny ability to kill entire waves of enemies with his Eye Beams.
- FaceHeel Turn: He eventually turns on the party after he remembers his original goal of killing Hoopz.
- Cyborg: He was rebuilt with such things as Eye Beams
- Redemption Equals Death: He kills himself in a HeelFace Door-Slam invoked by his current employers, if not himself.
CyberdwarfA dwarf from space who had his skin burned off and was given skin grafts from b-balls.
- Bare-Fisted Monk: Cyberdwarf fights with his bare hands and equips muscles as his weapons.
- Combat Medic: His spells are all healing spells and can debuff enemies with his combos.
- No Time to Explain: The Cyberdwarf says this about taking Hoopz to the church. However, before doing that you do have time to complete an unrelated dungeon found in the back of his home.
- Wrestler in All of Us: He can perform a suplex as one of his attacks.
Michael JordanOnce a basketball star and former hero of the Space Jam. After the chaos dunk he is now the head of the B-Ball removal department
- Dance Battler: Since his battle sprite is taken from Michael Jackson's Moonwalker, he fights using Michael Jackson moves.
- Duel Boss: Barkley fights him by himself in their final encounter.
- Fallen Hero: He went from the former savior of B-Ball against the Monstars to eradicating all B-Ball players.
- The Gunslinger: He somehow fires guns with his feet.
- The Heavy: Michael Jordan is the primary antagonist for most of the game, but he is not the true villain.
- Would Hurt a Child: Has no problem sending his minions after Hoopz and personally gives him Type II Diabetes, which is a quick-acting death sentence in the game's story.
Shadow BarkleyShadow Barkley is the left over essence Charles Barkley from Space Jam and the leader of B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.
- Blue and Orange Morality: he wants to destroy the world so he can take b-ball to the next level.
- Giant Space Flea from Nowhere: As a parody of RPG villains, it appears from absolutely nowhere.
- One-Hit Kill: It is capable of using the Verboten Slam to kill your party members in a single hit.
- One-Winged Angel: After you defeat it's initial form, it turns into T-Rex Barkley.
- The Social Darwinist: He wants to destroy the world because he is the Post-human and everyone else is merely human, so he can take b-ball to the next level.
- We Can Rule Together: Attempted by him in the finale. Doing so causes a Non-Standard Game Over.