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Characters / Banal Fantasy I

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The cast of the first Banal Fantasy and the tropes related to them.

For the actual Final Fantasy VII characters parodied here, see its characters sheet.


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     Main characters 

Crade Strip

Young man with a mysterious past, he doesn't really care much about anything and lives as a mercenary.

  • Anime Hair: Only Kissyfrotte knows how Crade makes this haircut (after they spent a night together). They became momentarily straight after a forced bath in the Life Stream.
  • Badass Biker: Subverted as he is riding a regular cycle.
  • Bishōnen: For his own misfortune, since almost everyone wants to sleep with him.
  • Bedmate Reveal: After his first mission, he got drunk and woke up in Tifolle's bed.
  • BFS: Frequently falls on the ground due to not being fixed to anything on his back and is the subject of numerous Double Entendre.
  • Black Comedy Rape: He was raped by Don Corneto's four henchmen at the same time when he was disguised as a woman, and again later by soldiers when he was nude and unconscious in a locker room.
  • The Cameo: In Resident Senile: The Remake, another audio play by Durendal.
  • Chick Magnet: Almost every single female character he encounters more or less hits on him.
  • Classical Anti-Hero: He starts the adventure as a selfish mercenary.
  • Covert Pervert: He was one in his youth.
  • Demoted to Extra: He is this in Dirge of Cerberus thanks to his massive consumption of antidepressants to forget about his shitty life.
  • Disguised in Drag: He didn't looked good enough for Don Cornetto. The henchmen on the other hand…
  • Even the Guys Want Him: Barette, Keno, Kissyfrotte, some henchmen…
  • Expy: Of Cloud Strife.
  • The Leader: Imposed himself as one despite Barette's objection.
  • Only Sane Man: Despite some rage outburst, he clearly is one of the most reasonable member of the team and a Standardized Leader.
  • Out of Character: A flashback depicts him as a Covert Pervert.
  • Phrase Catcher: "Crade Strip? What a horrible name!"
  • Punny Name: Derived from Clad Strife (the original mistranslated name). Crade means "gross" in French.
  • Running Gag: His falling sword (until he buys a sheath) and the subsequent Double Entendre about said sword.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: Intended to do it in chapter one, but Ahérée convinced him to stay with her.
  • Ship Tease: With Ahérée and Tifolle.
  • Small Town Boredom: Why he joined the army, though it was mostly to be as far away from Tifolle as possible.
  • Trauma-Induced Amnesia: He mixed his personality with Jack's one after his death, actually believing that he did himself some of Jack's actions.
  • Unfortunate Names: Mixing French and English, his name could phonetically translates as "gross strip".
  • We Used to Be Friends: He was a really close friend with Kissyfrotte before he became a villain.
    • It is revealed later that it was actually Jack who was his friend, and that Kissy actually raped Crade who was then a mere soldier.
  • Weapon Twirling: His victory pose, used to impress a ranking officer while undercover.

Barette Wallace

A tall black guy with a multifuction arm and a somewhat feminine behaviour.

Tifolle Dickhart

Crade's nymphomaniac childhood friend.

  • Anything That Moves: While Crade has top priority in her list, she won't think twice about offering herself to anybody.
  • Betty and Veronica: The Veronica to Ahérée's Betty.
  • Black Comedy Rape: She rapes Crade in the beginning of the story. And plans to do it again at the end of Banal Fantasy Advent Children.
  • Boobs of Steel: Like her inspiration, she's well-endowed and can handle herself fairly well in a fight.
  • Brainless Beauty: She's hot as hell, but not the sharpest tool in the shed until some Character Development.
  • Character Development: She becomes way more intelligent after winning a brain at the ChocoBN races. And trying to memorize a thesaurus.
  • Embarrassing Tattoo: She got a tattoo on her chest in Waïkiki's village, but only realized afterward what was actually written.
    "I am… a… SLUT?!
  • Expy: Of Tifa Lockhart.
  • Generation Xerox: Her mother is implied to be as much as a nymphomaniac than she is, age be damned.
  • Once Done, Never Forgotten: Nobody forgot how she spent the group's whole savings to buy a pair of rubber mittens in Calme.
  • Punny Name: "Tifolle" is close of "T'es folle", meaning "You're crazy" said to a female.
  • Rescue Romance: She fell in love with Crade after he saved her life. And promply rewarded him with a blowjob. While they were 12.
  • Shameless Fanservice Girl: Ask politely enough and she'll rip her clothes off without hesitation. And let you cop a feel and more.
  • Spell My Name with an "S": The official material sometimes spells her name as "Tifole" (minus one "l").

Ahérée Gainsbourg

An enthusiastic flower seller with mysterious origins.

  • Action Girl
  • Armor-Piercing Slap: Slaps both Kissyfrotte and Crade at the end, one because he tried to kill her and the other because he didn't prevented it.
  • Betty and Veronica: The Betty to Tifolle's Veronica.
  • Character Development: She is just an Innocent Flower Girl in the first chapter, but then becomes the voice of reason and wise girl of the group (by default, when compared to Tifolle and Pouffie).
  • Dumb Blonde: Averted, as she is pretty smart and dyes her hair but is still cursed to slip on Banana Peels.
  • Expy: Of Aerith Gainsborough.
  • Get a Hold of Yourself, Woman!: The only way Crade found to calm her when she was a too insistant seller.
  • Genki Girl: Was that in the first chapter, then this trope was attributed to Pouffie.
  • Half-Human Hybrid: She is the daughter of a human scientist and an Old Hag.
  • Innocent Innuendo: Mostly in the first chapters, and about Crade's BFS.
    "Oh, what a huge blade! It must clean them from the inside when you impale them. You sure polish it often for it to be so smooth?"
  • Mathematician's Answer: When asked for a final word during her interview in the finale, her answer is "grebe".note 
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: Serge Gainsbourg's last name. Herself lamphades that she is named like the singer "only less drunk".
  • Nonindicative Name: "Ahérée" could be translated by "light-headed". She almost was at the beginning but her character eventually became one of the smartest of the group.
  • Nostalgia Filter: She didn't remember the Old Hag Temple as a simple pet grooming salon.
  • Not Quite Dead: Unlike the original character, she actually survives the Banana Peel slip into the lake.
  • Petite Pride: She likes and has no problem at all with her small chest (and neither does Crade) but Tifolle, jealous of her relation with Crade, often calls her a "breadboard" (to which she usually calls her back "airbags").
  • Unstoppable Rage: After she was left for dead in Old Hag City, she came back really mad at Crade, persuaded that he dumped her for Tifolle.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: She is cursed to slip on any banana peel she encounters because of her blonde hair.

Waïkiki

A research specimen on the anthropophagous behavior among canid species with atrio-capillary features.

Pouffie

A ninja/thief/fashion victim.

  • Black Comedy Rape: Don Cornetto kidnaps her to make a porno. Fortunately avoided, but she still ended tied up in her underwear.
  • Bratty Half-Pint: She is 16 but so childish looking and immature the team mistakes her for being 8.
  • Defeat Means Friendship: Well, "friendship" might be to much of a word, but at least she helps them after they caught her red handed trying to steal their stuff.
  • Expy: Of Yuffie Kisaragi.
  • Fashion Hurts: Her stubbornness to not have buttons on her shorts to look cool make her trip all the time. She eventually stops wearing shorts in Banal Fantasy Advent Children. So they won't drop anymore.
  • Fuuma Shuriken: Cool, but Inefficient. Waïkiki instinctively catches it like a throwing disc.
  • Genki Girl: She is quite enthusiastic, and has an obsession with throwing a "giga-party".
  • Laser-Guided Karma: She tries to steal her friend's materias, and ends up left alone tied up almost naked to a giant statue.
  • Ninja Brat: Like the original character, she is one of the most blatant example of the trope. She is cocky, rude, not bright and not that talented to begin with.
  • Potty Failure: Twice.
  • Punny Name: "Pouffie" is close to "pouffiasse", meaning "bitch".
  • Running Gag: She constantly loses her shorts and trips.
  • Small Name, Big Ego: She says she follows the group only because they begged her, except they didn't and they even defeated her in the first place.
  • So Long, and Thanks for All the Gear: She unsuccessfully steal the group's stuff when they first meet, then she sneaks out once again with all the materias during the Dance Party Ending.
  • Who Wears Short Shorts?: She sure looks cool in her shorts, but in the end it annoys her more than anything.

Kel Shite

A robot plush who works as a fortune teller in the Saucée d'Or.

  • Adaptation Distillation: It is never brought up in the original audio play that Kel Shit is actually controlled by a Shie-Ra officer named Rivet. Rivet first and only appeared in Banal Fantasy: Dirge of Cerberus and even then does not control the robot-cat, who is autonomous and has his own personality.
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: He does it several times:
    • When he wants to join the team despite Crade's reluctance, he says he is a "mandatory character" and joins it anyway.
    • His Pre-Sacrifice Final Goodbye is for the audience, apologizing for not having been often present.
  • A Day in the Limelight: One of his only shining moment is when he One-Hit Killed a gigantic monster, which is also the only time the other characters where happy to have him in their team (that and his Heroic Sacrifice).
  • Death by Adaptation: After his Heroic Sacrifice, he should have return in another robot body in the team, but here he is Killed Off for Real.
  • Demoted to Extra: One of the main character in the game, but has almost no role here (Durendal didn't like the character).
  • Double Agent: He gave the Shie-Ra the key to the Old Hag City, but actually helped the heroes when he could (or rather when they allowed him) and even sacrificed himself in repentance.
  • Dreadful Musician: According to him, people just don't get his art.
  • Heroic Sacrifice: He accepts to answers the Black Meteria challenge and get crushed to death to redeem himself and prevent Kissyfrotte from using it.
  • Killed Off for Real: You though Kel Shite's death was only temporary like in the game? NOPE! He says goodbye to the audience, sad he didn't have more lines, and we never see him again, even in the Dance Party Ending.
    • He eventually comes back in Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus, still with a minor role.
  • Loud of War: His screams are so powerful they could kill a giant monster!
  • Make Me Wanna Shout: His main attack consists of shouting really loud in a megaphone. Between this and his horrible voice, no wonder they don't allow him in the episodes.
  • No Respect Guy: Nobody likes him, even forgiving characters like Waïkiki or Ahérée.
  • Phony Psychic: Pretends he can see the future when he first meet with the group.
  • Pre-Sacrifice Final Goodbye: To the audience (the team would not really care anyway).
  • Punny Name / Unfortunate Names: Mixing French and English, his name could phonetically translates as "what a shit".
  • Redemption Equals Death: One of the reason he volunteered for the Black Meteria challenge is to redeemed himself for his betrayal.
  • Welcome Back, Traitor: Despite the fact that everybody hates him and that they caught him red-handed betraying them, they still keep him in the group with no repercussions whatsoever (they barely noticed and respected him before that, though).

Vincent Time

A former popular singer who became a sort of undead vampire.

  • Absentee Actor: He is absent of a few episodes towards the end of the series. Durendal admitted that's because he forgot to write his lines during said episodes.
  • Catchphrase: "Hi!"
  • Combat Pragmatist: In Dirge Of Cerberus, he gets stuck between a large group of ennemies and a laser grid and his ammo is running dry. What does he do? Why, unscrew one of the lasers from the grid and uses it as a lightsaber.
  • Dance Battler: He learned tango and uses it in battle in Banal Fantasy Advent Children. When Crade asks him if he couldn't use the money to fix his voice instead, Vincent replies that it was too expensive.
  • Dreadful Musician: He is to almost everyone, but he was surprisingly immensely popular when he was young.
  • Expy: Of Vincent Valentine and French singer and poker player Patrick Bruel (actually his portrayal in the French show Les Guignols de l'info).
  • Flanderization: He barely talked about his former career in the main saga and was mostly annoyed by his female fans. In Dirge Of Cerberus, however, he frequently wonder who people don't recognize him anymore or why women don't go clothes-ripping crazy when they learn he is Patrick Bruel.
  • Hero of Another Story: Of Banal Fantasy Dirge Of Cerberus.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed
  • Punny Name: His name is an extremely basic French "Knock Knock" Joke.note 
  • Straight Gay: He ends up in a relationship with Cidre.
  • Vocal Dissonance: He is Tall, Dark, and Snarky but has a horrible voice.

Cidre Hautvent

This grumpy guy is the mechanical genius behind the Highwind.

  • The Alcoholic: To a way lesser extent than Jojo, but still. His name means "cider" after all.
  • Censored for Comedy: He is the only character censored despite not being the most vulgar to accentuate his grumpy behavior.
  • Expy: Of Cid Highwind.
  • Grumpy Old Man: He is despite being only 32. He is not even technically the oldest character, but Waïkiki is young for his species and Vincent is immortal. Crade calls him a "jeune vieux" (young old guy) for this.
  • I Know Madden Kombat: His "clean the floor" ability with the broom.
  • Improbable Weapon User: He uses a broom he found in a dump. Mostly useless since his special skill with this weapon is literally cleaning the floor, but turns very useful twice: first when he killed a boss in an ice cave by making it slip down a crevice by brooming the ice like a curling player; second when he one-shot Jenova by making her sneeze with the dust he gathered.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed. He is married with Cher. Yes, that Cher.
  • Sir Swears-a-Lot: Not that he is extremely more vulgar than his comrades, but he swears almost everytime he talks.
    "Sit your [bleep] ass on this [bleep] chair and drink your… [bleep] tea!"
  • Straight Gay: He ends up in a relationship with Vincent.

Kissyfrotte

An androgynous legendary warrior who shares a common past with Crade.

  • And Then What?: When Ahérée yells about Kissy at the end, asking him what will he do when he will be all alone in a destructed world, he admits that he didn't think that all through.
  • Bishōnen: He is a legendary hero with a pretty face and long flowing white hair.
  • BFS: His Masamune is so long it literally takes him five seconds to draw it.
  • Does Not Like Spam: He doesn't like sugar waffles.
  • Early-Bird Cameo: He briefly appears at the end of Chapter 1, retrieving his sword he "forgot" on the President's back. Doubles as a Mythology Gag because unless he had a spare sword, he had to retrieve it sooner or later.
  • Expy: Of Sephiroth.
  • Go Mad from the Revelation: When he learned that Jénova was his mom, he became literally insane, jumping around and screaming incoherent words.
  • I Want My Mommy!: Every time he is in difficulty, he calls his "mommy" for help.
  • Left Hanging: He claims that he is not the real Kissyfrotte, who is actually trapped in the ice. When asked who he really is, he answers: "Hehehe… I won't tell!".
  • Momma's Boy: He obeys to everything Jénova says, and at the end he is seen playing video games while his mother is taking care of the team.
  • Oedipus Complex: Oh boy! Even in the original game his relation with his mother was quite messed up, so you could guess how bad it could be in a parody…
  • Only in It for the Money: The actor portraying Kissy In-Universe, who dropped Ocean's Eleven to play this role (though he has some remorse about it, since the movie turned out to be more successful).
  • Punny Name: His name is based on Sephiroth and "Qui s'y frotte s'y pique", a French idiom which could be translated as "watch out, you might get burned".
  • Toon Transformation: Figuratively. He acted like a goofy Daffy Duck when he learned his true origins.
  • We Used to Be Friends: With Crade Jack.
  • Who's Your Daddy?: Played for Laughs when Jojo and Vincent start bickering about it. Turns out Jojo is his biological father; Vincent merely let him "borrow" his wife to give birth to Kissyfrote.

Kélaj, Loose and Zazoo

Three brothers created from Kissyfrote's consciousness, looking for Jenova.

  • Momma's Boy: Like Kissy, they can't go 5 minutes without stating how much they love their mom.
    Kélaj: Jenova is the greatest of all mothers.
    Dréfus: And why is that?
    Kélaj: She can make... Sugar waffles!
  • Pædo Hunt: Loose gives this vibe when taking the kids to the Old Hag City, with his creepy voice and his muttering.
  • Skewed Priorities: In Advent Children Complete, Kélaj sends Loose and Zazoo pursue Crade while he "has something to do". Namely, call his phone provider to complain about a price raise of two cents on his monthly bill.

Fesse

The leader of Deep Ground.
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Dréfus

Durendal himself in the role of the son of the Shie-Ra president.

Eiguegueguer

Shie-Ra's Director of Peace Preservation.

Squelette

Shie-Ra's Director of Weapons Development.

Jojo

The head scientist of the Shie-Ra, known as "l'homme qui boit tellement qu'il est devenu barjo".note 

  • The Alcoholic: He is an extreme drinker and is never sober, and literally addicted to wine to the point he would let the heroes wins to obtain a rare wine bottle (actually a fake cooked up by Vincent). According to himself, he has permanently 2,5 grams of alcohol in the blood.
  • Broken Record: He has the tendency to say "No!" again and again, to the point where he becomes a literal Broken Record.
  • Dirty Old Man: Wants to "breed" Ahérée because she is the last Old Hag. When accused to actually wanting to shoot a porn with her, he retorts the he can if he wants.
  • Mad Scientist: We see more his "mad" part, but he is a brilliant scientist who can repair the Highwind, engineered a powerful laser weapon and created Kissyfrotte in the first place.
  • Overly Long Gag: His "No!" joke during the Dance Party Ending.
  • Smart Ball: Despite being a brilliant scientist, he is mostly regarded as a drunkard and a silly goofball. However he is the only one intelligent enough (save for Dréfus) to pilot the Highwind while the other Shie-Ra members are claiming that Earth is a flat square.note 
  • Trademark Favorite Drink: His favorite beverage is Côte du Chartreux wine, but he doesn't know that it is made by Bugen Haaggen-Daaz and thus allow the team to know where he is each time he orders a case.
  • The Ugly Guy's Hot Son: He is the biological father of Kissyfrotte. It is lampshaded by Tifolle.

Keno

A gay member of the Truks and Barette's boyfriend.

  • Dating Catwoman: He is in love with Barette, no matter if he is the leader of Chute De Gravier.
  • Loose Lips: He reveals intel about Kissyfrote twice to Crade and his group in order to gain their trust (but mostly Barette's). Ting lampshades it by asking him if it's his new seduction technique.
  • Straight Gay: Nothing indicates his sexual orientation in his dialog, except of course when Barette is around.
  • Where Everybody Knows Your Flame: The Truks' Blue Gay, a gay bar made specially for the Truks. Keno is the owner and sole customer.

Dure

Another Truk and Keno's best friend.

  • Demoted to Extra: He only appears in Advent Children and Last Order and almost has no lines.

Ting

The leader of the Truks.

     Supporting cast 

Big, Wesh and Vessie

The members of Chute De Graviernote 

  • Skewed Priorities: Wesh wants to destroy the first reactor before midnight because it's the first Saturday of the monthnote  and Vessie stays in the reactor when it's about to blow off because her spare tampon fell down.
  • Undignified Death: If their wounds sustained while fighting the Shie-Ra soldiers didn't kill them, being buried under the whole content of Midgar's septic tank counts as this.

Bugen Haaggen-Daaz

The alcoholic wise old man of the Cosmo Canyon and a wine producer on his spare time.

  • The Alcoholic
  • Mr. Exposition: He gives a long explanation about the Stream of Life and the Weapons to the heroes in the planetarium. Lampshaded, as he treats them like pupils during this scene.
  • Parental Substitute: For Waïkiki since the death of his father.

Don Cornetto

The criminal overlord of the Midgar slums.

  • Anything but That!: The two sextoys he dreads to the point of making his confess useful intel are his electricity bill and a CD of awful French pop music.
  • Bondage Is Bad: He runs a snuff porn movie studio and has interesting tastes in bed.
  • Berserk Button: Touching his cheeks.
  • Disney Villain Death: He falls to his death from the top of a giant statue after Tifolle startled him.

Durendal

Creator and narrator of the saga.

Elmyra

Ahérée's adoptive mother.

  • Gonk: Why she's a 56-year old virgin.
  • Mama Bear: She threatens to cut Crade's dick off if he sleeps with Ahérée. And tries to kill him with a shotgun when he tries to slip away from her house (thinking he wants to sleep with Ahérée).

Germaine

The owner of the Old Hag Retirement Home.

  • Never Mess with Granny: She might be centuries old, but she is quite skilled with a shotgun and is the only Old Hag to survive Kissyfrote's heatwave destined to kill all the Old Hags.

Jack

A former SOLDIER and friend of Kissyfrote and Crade.

  • Everyone Has Standards: He thinks Kissyfrote crossed a line when he raped Crade in the back of a truck and justified himself by stating that since Crade is just a grunt, he's fair game.
  • My Girl Back Home: His reason to go back to Midgar, but ultimately decides against it because Elmyra will kill him upon learning he slept with her.

Jénova

Myrlaine

Barrette's daughter.

  • Punny Name: Based on "Mir Laine", a French brand of wool detergent.
  • Running Gag: "Never noticing that her father is 2 meters tall and black". She admits that she does it on purpose in Banal Fantasy Advent Children.

Nelson Monfaible

A sports commentator who often narrates the adventures of our protagonists.

  • Canon Foreigner: Of course, he is not in the original material.
  • Catchphrase: "Yes Patrick! Je disais: oui, Patrick!"
  • Completely Unnecessary Translator: He speaks French (most of the time), his audience speaks French and the characters he interview speak French, and yet he acts like he had to "translate" everything.
  • Covert Pervert: He eventually slips really bad during a wrestling match between Tifolle and Ahérée.
  • Curse Cut Short: It happens quite often to him.
    "Look at dat booty she got!! I can't believe it, what a slu-*Tifolle punches him*"
  • Department of Redundancy Department: He immediately translates some of his phrases in English, including his Catchphrase.
  • Gratuitous English: He translates his own commentary in English for no reason.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: A parody of French sportscaster Nelson Monfort. This overenthusiastic journalist is known for interviewing the non-French-speaking athletes during sporting events (including the Tour de France) where he quickly alternates between French and English.
  • Rage Breaking Point: His first intervention was cut short while his coverage was turning into an angry rant about doping (after all the Shie-Ra mooks died of heart attacks while following Crade on bicycle).
    "I remind you that the average lifespan of a cyclist is 35, beyond that he becomes a legend, and I'm sure Shie-Ra will once again deny the use of doping products, you WAFFLING WHORES!!- *the TV shuts down*"
  • Strangely Arousing: Crade performence makes him hard, which he is not ashamed to say it live on TV.
  • Tactful Translation: After Crade told him he was doing so great on a bicycle thanks to drugs, he "translates" that it was "the spirit of competition" and "the beauty of sport" that kept him going.

Této

Waikiki's father

  • And I Must Scream: He is still alive despite being turned to stone for almost 50 years. He takes it somewhat well, his main concerns being that he can't blink or piss and that his testicles itch.
  • Generation Xerox: His itchy testicles, like his son.
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