Crew of the MES Alternatehistory.com
Doctor WhatCaptain by default, a goofy screwball with a heart of gold. Obsessed with porn and lesbians, and porn OF lesbians. Canadian.
- A God Am I: Parodied with his catchphrase "AND ON THAT DAY I SHALL BECOME AAAA GODDDDDD!!!"
- Back from the Dead: Based on a True Story, would you believe...
- Canada, Eh?: Occasionally.
- The Captain: Thinks himself to be this, everyone else just goes along with it. Occasionally has a heroic moment that lives up to it.
- "I find that strangely arousing..."
- "That's the 37th strangest thing I've ever seen" (then lists some of the others)
- "Don't tell me how to (something completely unrelated), I've seen every porn movie ever made!"
- Porn Stash: Has one of the biggest in existence.
- Seen It All
- Too Kinky to Torture
Grey WolfSecond-in-command, a perpetually drunken Englishman with a thing about genealogy and plush unicorns.
LandsharkChief pilot and third-in-command. Spends most of his time snarking at the American crew members or taking part in an S&M relationship with Ironyuppie.
- Catchphrase: Saying "Hey, I'm British!" as an Insane Troll Logic explanation for how he knows some completely unrelated bit of information.
- Deadpan Snarker
- The Mean Brit
- North East England
- Quintessential British Gentleman: Not usually, but his backstory showed he was originally this, and he occasionally reverts to it as part of a joke.
- Too Kinky to Torture
IronYuppieFor much of the show's run, the only female crewmember. Terrifies most of the men. In a relationship with Landshark. Has a sex dungeon full of people they encounter on their voyages, occasionally added to.
- Even the Girls Want Her
- Girl with Psycho Weapon: The Electric Chinese Razor Yo-yo of Death
- Norse by Norsewest
- Playing with Syringes: Her Belated Backstory.
Dave HoweryChief engineer. Has a pathological hatred of Canada and an indestructible wiry beard.
- Badass Beard
- Berserk Button: Canada. And someone harming, putting the moves on, or spying on Keira.
- Chainsaw Good
- Freudian Excuse: It's eventually revealed that the reason why he hates Canadians and Europeans is that he comes from a timeline where Canadians and Europeans were occupying and oppressing the USA, and he grew up under the occupation.
- It also explains why he is so over-protective with Keira. Because one of the occupiers killed his wife there.
- Gadgeteer Genius
- Homemade Inventions
G.BoneEngineer and teleporter operator. Hawaiian.
- A Day in the Limelight: "A Day in the Life of G.Bone"
- Cloud Cuckoo Lander
- Flanderisation: A running joke was him not paying attention to working the teleporter due to doing something else. One of these activities was reading Archie Comics. This snowballed into him becoming an obsessive fanboy of Archie Comics, to the point where he considers having an opinion one way or the other Betty and Veronica dilemma to be constitute different religious beliefs.
- Genius Ditz
- Hula and Luaus
- Idiot Savant
- Steampunk: Is eventually revealed to come from a steampunk timeline.
PsychomeltdownEngineer. Navajo Indian.
MichaelEngineer and security officer. Australian.
- Chew Toy
- Deadpan Snarker
- Smoking Is Cool
- Use Your Head: The crew have been known to use him as Abnormal Ammo.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With Psychomeltdown and sometimes Flocculencio.
- Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: Is scared of/repulsed by ducks and redheads.
FlocculencioGeneral layabout and compatriot of Michael. Singaporean of Indian descent.
- Berserk Button: Anyone mentioning the name of his nemesis Justin Pickard causes him to go Axe-Crazy.
- Brilliant, but Lazy
- Once Acceptable Targets: Likes to lampshade this.
- Superpowered Evil Side: In "Pasha's Pilots" after being tortured with a Reality Warper machine, he becomes THE REVENGE COWBOY! (a forum In-Joke).
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With Michael.
- The Big Guy
- Can't Have Sex, Ever
- Casanova Wannabe
- Doesn't Like Guns: As a youngster in his origin story. Now of course he likes nothing better.
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: With Weapon M, who was originally his mentor.
- I Call It "Vera"
- Stuff Blowing Up
Weapon MHead of security. Once had a threesome. Will never get tired of telling you about it.
- Down on the Farm: He's from Michigan.
- Heroic Sacrifice
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: With Matt.
- His Story Repeats Itself: Likes to talk about his threesome at the first available opportunity.
- Hyperspace Arsenal
- Brain in a Jar: Is fond of these kinds of experiments.
- Dr. Jerk
- Deadly Doctor
- Mad Doctor
- Morally Ambiguous Doctorate
- Those Two Guys: With Thande.
- Ascended Extra (appears much more often than he used to)
- Catchphrase: "Daring Commando Raid(TM)?"
- Mad Scientist
- Oop North: From Yorkshire.
- Phrase Catcher: "BLAME THANDE!"
- Stalker with a Crush: on Keira Knightley.
- Those Two Guys: With Torqumada.
GBWShip's operations officer. Often shown later as being a secondary pilot and piloting the shuttles.
- Catchphrase: "Sorry, logic and reason, I know..."
- Dark and Troubled Past / Hidden Depths (though only occasionally hinted at)
- Only Sane Man
- The Spock
- Straw Vulcan
Othniel"Ensign and standard bearer", an evangelical Christian from Utah.
- Always Lawful Good
- Berserk Button: "I AM NOT A MORMON!!"
- Incorruptible Pure Pureness
- Mission from God: To destroy Doc's porn collection.
HendrykQuartermaster and Whatian Priest. Sinophile Frenchman.
- Foreign Culture Freak
- Hero-Worshipper: To Doctor What.
- Shout-Out: Likes to make H. P. Lovecraft references.
DMASecurity and Orthodox Sheepist Priest. Australian.
- Battlecry: "A JIHAD ON THEIR ARSES!"
DiamondOptician, nurse, cartographer and Reformed Sheepist Priest. Also practices Pantslessness.
- New Job as the Plot Demands
- Put on a Bus: After getting banned from the board in real life.
- Scenery Censor
LuakelEager Young Space Cadet.
- Doesn't Like Guns
- Send in the Clones: We've seen more alternate versions of Luakel than any other character, largely so the writers could kill him off in a variety of interesting ways; this eventually became the basis for a plot arc.
- Trauma-Induced Amnesia: After an incident involving a gender-flipped, Mirror Universe version of Kit.
- Wide-Eyed Idealist
KitShip's operations officer. Gay Welshman.
- Camp Gay
- Robosexual: Admires Leo Caesius' robot body's 'fabulous glutes'.
- Stalker with a Crush: On Leo.
- Stereotype Gay
Leo CaesiusThe ship's computer, appearing both as a disembodied voice and incarnate in a robot body.
- A.I. Is a Crapshoot: Usually averted, though he gets taken over by a virus in "Leo Atrox" leading to this. His backstory shows that the leadership of his robotic civilisation were like this, though.
- Character Development: His origin story shows he was originally a great admirer of humans, being a member of a robotic civilisation that had grown up after their human creators had died out. He gets more snarky over time as his romantic impressions get dented by the reality of the AH.commers. In particular being taken over by a virus in "Leo Atrox" leaves him with a tendency to mutter things like "Damn fleshbags".
- Computer Voice
- Cunning Linguist
- Deadpan Snarker
- Single-Issue Wonk: Obsessed with the Mandaeans.
The MosquitoA giant mosquito born from a teleporter accident.
- Big Creepy-Crawlies: Subverted, he's perfectly harmless - he's male, and only drinks nectar.
- Big-Lipped Alligator Moment: Averted—there were several previous one-off jokes with G.Bone accidentally creating a monster with the teleporters, but this one proved popular enough to keep.
- Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": Due to the writers being unable to settle on a name for him.
- Odd Friendship: With Bobo.
- Teleporter Accident: Was created by one, enlarging a normal mosquito.
BoboA flying brain with tentacles created by Torqumada in one of his mad science experiments. Is intensely loyal to Torqumada and more recently also to Keira Knightley.
- Nothing Is Scarier: In his early appearances his description was kept deliberately vague.
- Odd Friendship: With the Mosquito.
- Paper-Thin Disguise: Was at once point stuffed into a Frankenstein body to impersonate Thande, and none of the other crew noticed any difference (and, in fact, they thought Thande was the Frankestein body).
- Strange-Syntax Speaker: Talks. Like. This.
- Super Mode: Shown in "The Dome Factor".
- Action Girl: a couple of times, she has joined a mission and played a role. She also became fundamental when nearly the entire crew became five year old.
- Artificial Human: Which means she has a simplified genetic code, and Dave gets scared eventually that one of the genetic manipulations that get inflicted on the crew sometimes might be fatal to her.
- Never Gets Drunk: A corollary of her simplified genetics is that her liver processes alcohol too fast for her to get intoxicated.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: Averted. She's referred to simply as "Keira Knightley".
Crew of the MES Counterfactual.net
WardHard-bitten former admiral with a grudge against Doctor What and, indeed, most of the multiverse.
- Catchphrase: "Get your head out of your ass, boy!"
- Depending on the Writer: Can either be ruthless but honourable or does things For the Evulz. Over time the first characterisation became dominant.
- Four-Star Badass: Was formerly an admiral.
- Revenge Before Reason: Aimed at both the Devourer of Worlds and Doctor What (the latter case because he believes he abandoned him while fighting the Devourer).
- Shell-Shocked Veteran
- General Ripper
Grimm ReaperSecond-in-command and professional sadist. Dresses up as The Grim Reaper.
- Magnificent Bastard: At least, talks the talk.
- Pet the Dog: Or cat, rather.
- Right-Hand Cat: His cat Pumpkin, occasionally.
- Sinister Scythe
MerryPranksterThird-in-command, perpetually trying to take over.
FortysevenEngineer and teleporter operator.
Romulus AugustulusSecurity officer.
FaeelinShip's operations and communications.
DarkslavikGenetic weapons specialist.
Other recurring characters and groups
The Mirror CrewMirror Universe counterparts of the AH.commers.
- Ax-Crazy: Luakel in his second appearance (the result of trauma at the hands of Mirror Kit).
- Beard of Evil: In an obvious reference to Star Trek, all the mirror crew have goatees - except Doctor What, because his primary-universe version has one.
- Darker and Edgier
- Evil Counterpart
- Gender Bender: For one episode, and continuing for Doctor What.
- Man, I Feel Like a Woman Probably the most disturbing version ever.
The GermansA group of German mercenaries, obsessed with politics and perpetually arguing.
- A-Team Firing and A-Team Montage: Due to them being compared to the A-Team, with a Panzer as their van.
- Badass Mustache: They all have Kaiser Wilhelm II-style moustaches as a consequence of the Stereotypica Virus they were infected with.
- Back from the Dead: Steffen has a Heroic Sacrifice, but his essence survives as the main computer.
- Berserk Button: Susano has several, such as people using "Teutonic" to mean "German", disunited Germanies, people praising King Gustav II Adolf of Sweden, and more. Of course, when somebody presses them all at once...
- Cool Tank: The Panzer.
- Funetik Aksent
- Germans Love David Hasselhoff: Oberdada is an exaggerated stereotype of this played for laughs.
- Hot-Blooded: Susano.
- The Starscream: Alayta, though on the one occasion he did manage to take over, it didn't go well.
- Vitriolic Best Buds
The Pole TrollsEnemies of the Germans, who infest the Wiki World (based on The Other Wiki) and seek to change reality to fit their views. Based on the large number of Polish trolls who have been known to spam alternatehistory.com's message board.
- Anime Fan Boy: The Wikimasters, the incompetent rulers of the Wiki World, are universally of this type.
- Improbable Weapon User: Human 237, who steals IronYuppie's sex toys to use as weapons.
- Jizzed in My Pants: Molobo continuously does this after talking about the glories of Poland, constantly requiring a new pair of underwear from Hurgan. When the Germans show up with all their firepower, he asks for the brown pair for a change.
- Rewriting Reality
- Verbal Tic: Their Armenian ally, Rafi, is unable to speak a sentence without the word "genocide".
The Lesbian Space MarinesOriginating from a planet where all the men were killed by a virus. After acquiring shift-drive technology from the AH.commers, began expanding into other timelines.
The Administratum of BankindA Grim Dark civilisation perpetually at war and consisting of countless hellish hive worlds and huge warships like gothic cathedrals, presided over by a dark religion dedicated to a a dead leader upon a great golden chair. Does This Remind You of Anything??
- Church Militant
- Pstandard Psychic Pstance: Evil MrP.
- Retcon: They were originally a more straightforward reference to Warhammer 40K, but were later reworked to incorporate references from the forum's AH.com-ised fan variant, Banhammer 40K. This change was explained in-universe as being the result of ASB interference.
- Shout-Out and Lawyer-Friendly Cameo (for Warhammer 40K)
- Stalker with a Crush: Evil MrP has one for Keira Knightley.
The Guild of CartographersOr the Mappist Cabal, a group of elite mapmakers crewing the ship Mercator.
The KingSaviour, religious icon and ruler of a planet. Wears white suit, eats cheeseburgers, plays guitar, has quiff. Reminds me of someone, but can't quite think who...
Mike CollinsPowerful enemy of the Hub.
- Big Bad: In early seasons.
- Depending on the Writer: Whether he has powers of his own or if they are just the result of technology. The former view eventually won out.
- Enemy Mine: during the ASB War.
- The Starscream: In any episode involving him working for or teaming up with others.
- Take Over the World: His goal in many episodes is to take over the Hub. He actually has taken over several versions of Earth in the past, including Dave Howery's origin timeline.
The Alien Space Bats (ASB)Enemies of the Hub, embodiments of chaos, and have been interfering with various timelines since at least Season 2.
- Mass Teleportation
- Medieval Stasis: ASB interference reduces many timelines to this state.
- Order Versus Chaos: The Chaos to the Hub's Order.
- Sufficiently Advanced Alien
The Hub of the MultiverseA vast complex in its own dimension, a place where timelines intersect. The Pub in the Hub, Ouroboros, often features - it can be accessed from any bar in the multiverse through the door labelled 'Authorised Staff Only'. The Hub also contains docks for ships, huge shopping malls, and so on.
- The Bartender: Ian, who is also possibly the most powerful being in the Multiverse.
- Order Versus Chaos: The Order to the Alien Space Bats' Chaos.
- City of Adventure
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: Chingo and Alt-Luakel, who are also Butt Monkeys with George Jetson Job Security.
- I Coulda Been a Contender!: Hermanubis, jealous of Super55.
- Inn Between the Worlds
- Take Over the World / Take Over the City: A common plot involves a villain wanting to take over the Hub.
- Those Two Guys: Hermanubis and Imajin.
- Wretched Hive: In places.