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Dispatches of TRUTH from the Beach City Undergriund (sic)
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Keep Beach City Weird is an official Character Blog for Steven Universe written by Matt Burnett and Ben Levin from the viewpoint of Ronaldo Fryman. In it, he tells about his insane theories as to what's been causing various strange happening around Beach City (that were actually caused by the Crystal Gems) as well as largely unrelated ramblings on everything supernatural and conspiratorial.

An entry was made for most episodes in the first three seasons, generally related to events or thematically to the plot, and released shortly after that episode airs. A book based on the blog was released in April 2017. An advertisement for said book is currently the most recent post on the blog, as Burnett and Levin left the show around that time to begin production on Craig of the Creek, which they created.

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Keep Beach City Weird provides examples of:

  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: In his blog post that followed the start of the Summer of Steven, Ronaldo lists such bizarre phenomena as "Mysterious earthquakes, UFO sightings, and chunks of fruit salad washing up on the beach." If you know more than Ronaldo, that last one is probably the most alarming.
  • Astral Projection: Astral projection is used by shamans, witch doctors, and FDR. Ronaldo attempted to project his mind by staring at a ketchup jar and believes he succeeded. What seems to have actually happened is he left work, walked around with no one talking to him because he's unpopular, then he passed out when he returned to the shop because he left the gas on.
  • Author Existence Failure: In universe, the author of the No Home Boys was run over by a train.
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  • Awesome Mccool Name: The No Home Boys author was named Dustylegs Jefferson.
  • Beethoven Was an Alien Spy:
  • Brick Joke: In one of Steven's dream in "Chille Tid", Dogcopter meows. Months later, a post about Dogcopter 4 reveals that Dogcopter is actually part cat due to his parentage.
  • Character Blog: The blog is not only run by a character in the show, but exists and has been mentioned in the show itself.
  • Continuity Nod: One of the first couple posts has a mention of Ronaldo buying a sword replica at Delmarvacon. Sixteen months later, his Top 5 Regrets include spending $300 on that sword because there was another one he could have gotten for twice as much.
  • Crystal-Ball Scheduling: Most entries were made alongside an episode of the show and had something to do with it, generally implying that Ronaldo is posting them in-universe around the same time. While some entries are Ronaldo's viewpoint of events that occurred in the episode or him encountering their aftermath, often it's about some element of the episode or thematically related without any causal link:
    • "Giant Woman" introduced the concept of gem fusion. The corresponding post was about carnies, including two pairs of Conjoined Twins.
    • Right after Steven uses time travel to make copies of himself in "Steven and the Stevens", Ronaldo makes a post about alternate timelines.
    • In "Lion 3: Straight to Video", Steven finds a magical dimension in Lion's mane, and gets to watch a video message to him left by his late mother. The corresponding post has Ronaldo reviewing the anime "Princess Koala", which is surprisingly deep despite it's silly looking premise, and specifically mentions how touching it was that the main character finally got to meet her koala mother on the spiritual plane.
    • Steven is inspired to live on the road by a book series in "On the Run", then Ronaldo posts a review of the graphic novel adaptation.
    • "Winter Forecast" is about Steven experiencing the same events over and messing up more each time, and is followed by a post about life's biggest regrets.
    • After "Say Uncle", the non-canon Crossover with Uncle Grandpa, Ronaldo reports on Crying Breakfast Friends' crossover with Inter-dimensional Family Friend.
    • During "Steven's Birthday" Ronaldo posts that you should never celebrate on your actual birthday, least you suffer from identity theft.
    • "Mr. Greg" is a Musical Episode about Pepe's Burgers giving Greg a royalty check for a jingle, which he uses to go to town with Steven and Pearl. The corresponding post was a crossover fanfiction about the mascot for Pepe's Burgers and Pear from Crying Breakfast Friends (who was established in "Cry for Help" as their equivalent of Pearl), where both are performing at a club. One of the last lines references the jingle ("I would like a burger"). He even makes a reference to a Hot Dog in the audience, in reference to Steven bringing his hot dog duffel bag.
  • Crossover Ship: In-universe, one post is Ronaldo's fanfiction pairing Pear from Crying Breakfast Friends with the mascot of Pepe's Burgers.
  • Death by Irony: The author of the No Home Boys series, which is about two train-riding Vagabond Buddies, was run over by a train during a book signing in an active train yard.
  • Despair Event Horizon: Ronaldo doesn't take it well when his girlfriend breaks up with him due to a misunderstanding in Restaurant Wars, and it shows in the blog.
    You know what? I’m over her! I’m over Jane and I’m over LOVE and I’m over any sort of human companionship. I’m just going to be single forever and dedicate all of my time to my research, and my book, and to building a giant robot that I can pilot into space WHERE THERE ARE NO FEELINGS!
  • Ear Ache: Ronaldo was listening to a cranked up microphone for EVP recordings when the gem monster from "Bubble Buddies" started an earthquake with its screams. He ended up hospitalized several days for "scabby ears".
  • Eco-Terrorist: When Peridot's distress signal appears on TV all over the world, Ronaldo assumes from her green color that she is an android created by eco-terrorists to free zoo animals.
  • Enforced Plug: When experiencing some Writer's Block, Ronaldo resorted to being one of many sponsors for Guacola, an avocado soda he spat back up the second he had it. The best Ronaldo can say is that "technically, it is edible" and has supplementary use as mortar or to clog a drain. There's also mention of the company being a subsidiary of an industrial adhesive maker and in a lawsuit with 17 states.
    Guacola. It’s a soda that pays people to say they like it, so you know it’s good.
  • Fictional Counterpart: Numerous classic arcade games were made not by Capcom, but Carpcom. Strangely, both games they made were actually parodies of games made by Sega.
  • Griping About Gremlins: The Beach City Gremlin (Beach Urbem Gremlinus) is a shapeshifting saboteur that's been around since colonial time, causing the Beach City Blimp Explosion of ‘37, the Great Traffic Tragedy of ‘72 and the Street Fighter II Turbo Hyper Fighting Arcade Cabinet Breakdown of ‘99. It is a distinct possibility that the gremlin's real identity is Amethyst, given she's a shapeshifting prankster who's lived in Beach City for thousands of years, and also has a very short, child-like body. Though real life myths about gremlins only go back to the 1920s, so Ronaldo may have made the whole thing up entirely.
  • Leaning on the Fourth Wall:
    • Keep Beach City Weird stopped posting during the summer of 2014, but returned late that August with the promise of up to six more posts, mirroring Cartoon Network's scheduling of the show through the end of the first production order. He then appends that he "[hasn’t] totally figured out my posting schedule yet", mirroring the show creators' repeated statements that they don't know or control when episodes will air.
    • After the broadcast of "Marble Madness", Ronaldo noticed one of the Plug Robonoids entering earth, so his plans for the next week involve watching the C.A.R.T.O.O.N. note  NETWORK, a comet-detecting service for commercial airliners, every day at 5 P.M., with the relevant points bolded. This just happened to give a reason to post once a day for each episode of the first Stevenbomb.
    • Ronaldo's documentary was taken down from TubeTube for copyright violations, which he assume is for using a copyrighted music track. The unstated reason is that the documentary makes up almost an entire episode of the show, thus putting it online would be a copyright violation.
    • The post before "The Answer" tells of Ronaldo staying off the internet for months to avoid spoilers for a movie, then being told the biggest plot twist when he was in line. It serves as a parallel to both the recent release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens ("the revival of one of the most famous sci-fi franchises in the world") and the show's return from another hiatus (the movie was Dogcopter 4, and the episode started the fourth Stevenbomb). In particular, his frustrations mirrors that of the crew at leaked clips from the upcoming episodes.
    Spoilers are the worst.
  • Living Bodysuit: Ronaldo finds a beta fish that had a human's mind implanted in it as a failed attempt to create an aquatic spy. After all, it bobbed up and down when he asked her if that's what happened.
  • Maybe Ever After: Ronaldo pointed out that his ex-girlfriend (who dumped him after she thought he was cheating on her) liked a post he made about his love for her. He suggests that this is a sign they may still have a chance to be together.
  • Noodle Incident: At some point, Ronaldo had a blog post where he blamed the Irish for something, which he took down and apologized for.
  • Ptero Soarer: Played for Laughs in a post where Ronaldo's amateur drawing of a Pterodrone (Pterodactyl Drone) includes a Ludodactylus-esque head (Pteranodon crest alongside teeth), pointed wings, back claws that can carry around objects, no pteroid bone, missiles and a camera.
  • Spoiler: Ronaldo manages to spoil the ending of Dogcopter 4 in a post decrying spoilers.
  • Shout-Out: The B.O.Y.S. toys that Ronaldo shows include Big Boy, American Boy, Beastie Boy and Ponyboy.
  • Show Within a Show: Ronaldo mentions numerous fictional anime, TV shows, and video games.
    • Beautiful Satan Girlfriend: An OVA about an otaku who sells his soul for a girlfriend.
    • Virtua Teens of Rage: A 3D reboot of a long-running beat'em up franchise. The picture shown is a blatant parody of Virtua Fighter.
    • Soul Blaster: A shonen manga that has somehow managed to produce at least 3,762 chapters since 1976.
  • Stylistic Suck: Not only is the blog's subject matter insane and self-indulgent on Ronaldo's part, it's full of spelling errors that were either made or left uncorrected intentionally by the actual writers. Even the subject line for the blog has a typo ("Dispatches of TRUTH from the Beach City Undergriund")
    LOOK. I am going through a LOT right now and I don’t have tiem to correct tipos!! I don’t even see what you’re talking abiout!!!
  • Troll: Meta example on Tumblr. The Crystal Gems fanblog reblogged a post that Ronaldo specifically said not to reblog. He calls them out on their failed attempt to troll him.
  • Unreliable Narrator: One really can't assume anything Ronaldo says about Beach City or the show's world to be anything resembling the truth, even the stuff that is portrayed as historical records.
    The location of the Carnie Graveyard was secret, but I figured our local carnival owner, Mr. Smiley, might know of it’s whereabouts. Unfortunately, when I asked him, he gave me the old “What is wrong with you and why do you think I would know where a bunch of dead clowns are buried” routine. It all but confirmed my suspicion that the Carnie Graveyard definitely exists and one day I’ll find it.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: Ronaldo believes that water will reveal the true forms of rock people.

Examples specific to the book

  • Asymmetric Dilemma:
  • Bile Fascination: In-universe, several paragraphs are devoted to how Guacola is "the grossest soda ever", then it's followed by a line advising readers to come to Beach City to try it.
  • Blatant Lies: Believing any readers might be from the Labor Department, Ronaldo insists that Peedee is actually a very short eighteen-year-old.
  • Crop Circles: Ronaldo found the diamond insignia Peridot's escape pod made in a field, along with the writing Steven and Jenny put next to it. While Ronaldo does think they're made by the Diamond Authority, he doesn't think they're meaningful.
    An act of intergalactic graffiti courtesy of the Diamond Authority! You'd expect aliens to want to turn this planet into a colony to harvest its resources for the purpose of creating more aliens, but they only seem interested in pranking us! What's next? Prank calls asking if the Earth's refrigerator is running? Gluing a quarter to the floor in front of the vending machine in the White House? Putting a whoopee cushion in our planet's orbital path?
  • The Cuckoolander Was Right: Between all the crazy, Ronaldo gets a surprising amount of details right:
    • He correctly guessed Pearl's rocket in "Space Race" was piloted by an alien, specifically a rock person, trying to escape the Earth.
    • Disappointed at Crop Circles he assumed to be an alien prank, Ronaldo says he expected the Diamond Authority to colonize and harvest Earth's resources for the sake of Bizarre Alien Reproduction—exactly what they really tried to do.
    • None of the humans recognized Steven when he underwent Rapid Aging, and Ronaldo put his picture through a (probably self-designed) aging algorithm meant to show what he was like in his youth. It works almost perfectly, creating a drawing of Steven dressed as Fred Flintstone.
    • He guesses the Rock People ruled by the Great Diamond Authority have a Hive Caste System, theorizing several types (rulers, thinkers, builders) roughly analogous to the ones Homeworld actually has. One of them is CLODs ("clumps of dirt"), matching the Fantastic Slur Peridot often uses. He also thinks they reproduce by growing their young underground (out of rock candy).
    • When the Cluster was causing earthquakes when it was about to form, Ronaldo immediately suspected rock people. He even calls the tremors "cluster quakes" because they came in clusters and breaks. His assumption that it's noise from thousands of rock people have a party is wrong, but also right in a morbidly, hilariously wrong way.
  • Direct Line to the Author: The book is credited as "by Ronaldo Fryman with assistance from Matt Burnett & Ben Levin", the latter two being the real life head writers of Steven Universe. Within the realm of Kayfabe, they are friends Ronaldo met on an anime forum.
  • Dramatic Wind: Ronaldo likes to brood in windy places where his "frylocks" will blow around, advising people with short hair to achieve the same effect by wearing capes or very loose shirts.
  • Everyone Has Standards: Even Ronaldo finds Onion bizarre enough to dedicated a whole page of the book.
    This kid is weird. Like, next-level weird. I'm weird, swamp children are weird, earlobes are super weird, but Onion is just... I don't even know!
    ...
    You can usually find Onion sitting on the docks or inside a vending machine at Funland Arcade. Say hello if you're in town!
  • Incredibly Lame Fun: Over a century ago, Funland Arcade was Frederick Ulysses Neptune's Land of Mechanical Oddities and Entertainment, which included a "Kineto-Monkeyscope".
    Apparently, you could turn a crank and watch a film strip of a monkey wearing a top hat. Man, old movies were lame.
  • Interquel: The book was released late in the show's fourth season, but various things (all the pictures of Amethyst show her second outfit, the most recent episode referenced is "Crack the Whip") indicate the in-universe writing took place late in the third season. It very clearly takes place before "Rocknaldo" (which aired two months before the book came out), as Ronaldo still doesn't known that the Crystal Gems and Rock People are the same, doesn't know the Crystal Gems' names, and talks about the idea of them teaming up as a theoretical.
  • I Don't Like the Sound of That Place: Parodied; the mountain road from "Beach City Drift" is given many names that are meant to be intimidating but just end up sound absurd ("The Devil's Backbone", "The Devil's Laundry Chute", "The Devil's Poorly Planned Highway"), the last of which is "Municipal Maintenance Route 64".
  • Insane Troll Logic: Because the moon controls the tides, the ocean's disappearance is concluded to be from the moon's orbit shifting. Thus, it is figured, the moon has a moon.
  • It's All My Fault: Ronaldo believes Frybo coming to life was his fault because he had conducted rituals related to a potato-based Eldritch Abomination he read about on the internet.
  • It's Probably Nothing: Ronaldo discusses the giant woman that saved William Dewey during Beach City's founding. He brings up the obvious resemblance between her and the statue around the Crystal Temple, only to brush them off as having "probably no connection".
  • The Last of These Is Not Like the Others:
    • The section of "Local Weirdness" includes mascot costumes turned into fry-spewing monstrosities, people suddenly breathing fire, and pink lions, but the last section is solely dedicated to Onion.
    • Most of "things to brood about" list are incredibly inane, like invokedyour favorite anime catching up to the manga or your favorite fast food item being discontinued. The last one is simply "love".
  • Literal Metaphor: The sky-filling flowers from Rose's moss are thought to come from literal cloud seeding—dropping seeds into clouds to grow flowers that will distract people from UFOs.
  • The Nicknamer: Not knowing the names of the Crystal Gems besides Steven, Ronaldo calls Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl "Square Head", "Purple Girl", and "Princess Nose", respectively.
  • No Pronunciation Guide:
  • Red Baron: Stevonnie is only refer to as "the mysterious Racer S".
  • Removing the Head or Destroying the Brain: The cluster gems are assumed to be zombies, begging the question of how to stop a zombie that doesn't have a head.
  • Russian Reversal: Ronaldo theorizes the Centipeetle's semi-corrupted form came from either a human bitten by a radioactive centipede... or a radioactive human biting a centipede.
  • Surveillance as the Plot Demands: The book often shows photographs of events from the show (made from screencaps of the actual episodes), often with no means for Ronaldo to have obtained them. Attention to this is called in regards to the Crop Circles from "Joy Ride", which Ronaldo states he got an aerial view of by throwing his phone into the air while the camera was set on a timer.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Refusing to bow to the glowstick lobby, Ronaldo will only dance by spinning around lit torches. We're show a picture where he does so and his shirt has started to catch on fire.
  • Understatement: Ronaldo's father helped the book's publishing "a little bit" by paying for all of it.
  • You Are Not Ready: Some time after Steven explained the Homeworld ship was coming for the Crystal Gems, Ronaldo tried to do a followup interview with Steven to find out why. Steven gets literally two sentences into explaining what he knows about the Gems's history, freaking Ronaldo out so much that Steven abruptly ends the interview because he's afraid Ronaldo is going to choke on his drink—and his Spit Take broke the laptop everything was being recorded on.
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