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Awesome / Everybody Loves Raymond

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  • Everytime Ray Barone decides to get past his invertedness and actually become assertive, it's a cue that an awesome rant is about to occur.
    • The best of his would have to be "Jealous Robert," where he fights through having been elbowed in the balls to tell Robert about Marie and Debra's scheme to make him jealous of Amy by getting her and his friend together. "You can't stop me from doing what's right! You can't manufacture love!"
    • Also in "The Christmas Picture" when he yells that he's tired of trying to please everyone with the photo.
      Ray: We're taking this damn picture! Would you see what I'm dealing with here? Are you blind?
      Warren: Uh, Raymond—
      Ray: Baaah! No habla talkie talkie, okay? I've had it with trying to make everybody happy! I was trying to do something nice! I'm sick of everybody coming up to me, "Oh talk to Debra." "Talk to your mother." "Why can't my girlfriend be in the picture?" "Oh, I don't want to spend Christmas with them." "Fix it, Raymond, talk." I'm done talking! Don't talk to me anymore, you hear me? If you wanna talk, talk to yourselves 'cause I'm out!
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    • In "The Ingrate", everyone in the family is arguing over who should get credit for Raymond's success, until Raymond finally snaps and thanks each of them for their contributions in the most sarcastic way possible.
      "Alright, stop it, stop it, STOP IT! Nothing's ever enough for anybody in this house! Whaddaya want? Whaddaya-ya want...okay, here it is, here it is - yer ready? Everybody?! (beat) Thank you! (To Robert) Thank you, thank you Robert. I owe my career to you. That column you did in grammar school, "Noogies versus Wedgies", that's the reason that I go to work everyday! (To Amy) And Amy - I don't know what I did before you came into this family to point out my mistakes, but thank you! (To Frank) Dad! Dad, there's something I've always wanted to say to you, I've never said it before, but I'm gonna say it right now: you are the mole on the backside of my success! (To Marie) Sweet mama! Without your pushing, I would still be in your womb. (To Debra) And you, wife, without you (beat) I'd have nothing but heart-acha-chuh." (Walks off annoyed).
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    • "Sweet Charity" calling out Debra for her hypocrisy about doing charity after it comes to light that Debra tried getting Robert to take Ray's place.
      Raymond: Wait a minute, wait a minute... "Debra suggested"? (turns to Debra) You sent him in there?
      Debra: (flustered) Ray, I just... come on!
      Raymond: Ooooh ooooh ooooooh! Dirty laundry is coming home to roost!
      Debra: What are you talking about?
      Raymond: You wanted him to take my place, right, so I could stay home and, and you could... pretty yourself up, and go out on the town with your face paint and your gewgaws! Yeah. You don't care about the old, or the sick! You don't care that their entertainment now is a large man with his hand up the behind of a small plastic man!
      Debra: Ray, you were spending all your time there, you were never here.
      Raymond: I was doing charity, and because it wasn't convenient for you- you wanted me to stop.
      Debra: Ray, all I-
      Raymond: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-ba! I don't think you should be talking to me. I think you should be talking to (pointedly points upwards)
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  • Debra had hers when she made this speech:
    "You have no idea what I have to put up with. When I got married, I didn't just get a husband, I got a whole freak show that set up their tent right across the street. And th-that would be fine... if they stayed there. But every day, every day, they dump a truckload of their insane family dreck into my lap. How would you like to sit through two people in their sixties fighting over who invented the lawn? The lawn?! And then the brother... 'I live in an apartment. I don't even have a lawn, Raymond has a lawn.' But you can't blame him when you see who the mother is. She has this kind of sick hold on the both of them. And the father's about as disgusting a creature as God has ever dropped on this planet. So, no wonder the kid writes stories - I should be writing stories! My life is a gothic novel and until you have lived in that house with all of them in there with you, day after day, week after week, year after friggin' year... you are in no position to judge me!"
  • Robert has gotten one of his own as well. After being invited to a ride along in Robert's police cruiser, Ray does nothing but crack jokes about how easy Robert's job is. Finally having had enough, Robert sits him down and explains how these jokes are an insult to police officers everywhere. While the speech itself is cool, the Crowning Moment comes when Ray then points out to Robert that the pizza store they are in is being robbed. Robert orders Raymond to get down, and proceeds to sneak up on the gun toting thief, catch his attention, throws a pizza into his face, and tackles the thief to the ground, effectively demonstrating just why he made Sergeant.
    Robert: Enough, Raymond. Okay? A slow night for you is a good night for me. You have no idea what this job entails. And your attitude is an insult to me, my partner, and every other cop on the force.
  • Robert finally being assertive to Joanne:
    Robert: Don't talk to him like that.
    Joanne: Excuse me?
    Ray: It's okay.
    Robert: No no, it's not okay. I want you to apologize to Raymond.
    Joanne: Apologize for what?
    Robert: For what you just said to him, and for all the mean things you've ever said about him.
    Ray: She says mean things about me?
    Robert: Oh, sure sure. She's sweet to your face, but as soon as you leave she talks about how your voice sounds like a wounded cow. Or how when you run, it looks like you're trying to hold a pencil between your cheeks. I'm tired of the way you treat him. He's my brother. And I'm gonna tell you something else, Joanne. Maybe if you just showed a little warmth to people, they wouldn't be so scared of you. And maybe if you just gave me a clue that you still cared about me, I wouldn't spend so much time hiding out at Ray and Debra's. And you wanna know something else? Things are gonna have to start changing around here.
    • Marie is often characterized by being smothering and overprotective, but she earns her Mama Bear status in the flashback episode when Robert recounts how he was divorced from his first wife, Joanne. When Marie finds out that Joanne has dumped her son, she turns on Joanne with a ferocity that would melt lesser mortals. And when Joanne ups the ante by calling Marie the B-word, Marie unloads about how she's held her tongue for too long, even ignoring Joanne's past as a stripper in Atlantic City. When Marie concludes her monologue by throwing Joanne out of the house, ending with the line "It's time to take out the trash!" the audience roars approval. Her sons are a bit more surprised by what has happened. Robert asks what he's supposed to do now, with Raymond pointing out the obvious: "Don't call Mom a bitch."
    • Even better is that the audience starts roaring approval when she just turns to look at Joanne with that Death Glare on her face, even before she says anything. They know something awesome is about to happen.
  • Ray's speech at Robert and Amy's wedding. With a single speech, he managed to save the wedding reception.
  • Also at Robert and Amy's wedding, during the reception, Pat McDougall gets one when she calls Marie out on her selfish behavior - all in her usual sweet, apologetic tone.
    Pat: This wedding, whether we like it or not, was for Amy and Robert, and you shouldn't have intruded on their moment of happiness in the chapel.
    Marie: I was doing it for them!
    Pat: Oh Marie, I think maybe, you were doing it for you... and you were so worried about what you wanted to express that you weren't thinking about anyone else, including your son. ...I think that's called narcissism.
  • In one episode, Frank wins a canoe trip because he raised the prices at an auction. Marie forces him to go, because she finds them "romantic". While she's going on about how beautiful the trip is, Frank literally sends her up the creek without a paddle as he chows down on some chicken. Doubles as a Funny Moment.
  • "And by the way: sometimes the noodles in your lasagna are overcooked."
  • When Raymond gets insulted by Jerry Musso who doesn't like him and thinks he's mediocre and unremarkable, Robert, who for the entire episode has been annoyed at Ray for being so disbelieving that there exists a person in the world who doesn't like him, decides to walk up to the jerk, lets his Big Brother Instinct kick in, and coldly gives Jerry a piece of his mind about Raymond.
    Robert: Hold it right there you little twerp.
    Jerry Musso: Who are you?
    Robert: Who am I? I'm someone who can crush you into a fine powder. That's who I am. Now, Ray Barone has more talent in the weird pimple on his neck that won't go away, than you have in your entire body you oily, two-faced hack. You only wish you could be Ray Barone because you will never come close to him as a writer, as a father, as a friend, or as a person. [turns away] Come on, Raymond.
  • Ray giving Marie and Frank a speech about how they can't ever appreciate anything he gives them at Christmas and that they should be grateful that he bothered to put any effort into gifts for them and calls them ungrateful and storms out.
  • "The Lone Barone" Robert and Amy break-up after Robert gets his own place, the family tries to convince Robert to get back together with her and blames Raymond for causing them to break-up in the first place (after he joked about his marriage being a "prison") Robert tells them it's not their place to decide for him:
    Robert: I don't need any more advice OK? I have my own reasons for not wanting to get married just yet.
    Marie: Alright, what?
    Robert: You really want to know Ma? Part of it is, I've lived with YOU for most of my life. I've never been on my own, and I finally get my own place and Amy is already bringing me plants. I love Amy, but I'm not ready for plants!
    Marie: I think you're being selfish Robbie.
    Robert: Good! It's about time! Because this is my life! Not yours! [points at everyone] Not yours! Not yours! and not even Raymond's! Raymond had nothing to do with this decision, I made it, me, and if you think I made a mistake, I don't care! That's right, because I'm in charge of me now. If you'll excuse me I'm going home, to my home, Crownview Apartments Unit 9-F!
  • In "Misery Loves Company", after Ray and Debra bicker with Robert and Amy about who has the better marriage, Marie gives an epic lecture to all of them on marriage:
    Marie: Maybe you could all use some advice from someone who's in a position to give it. (...) You think we have nothing to offer? We've been married 46 years. We've seen the lows, and we've seen the highs.
    Frank: What day was the high?
    Marie: (to Robert and Amy) You two, you're newlyweds, you're in love. God bless you, you know nothing. (to Ray and Debra) And you two are always fighting. And the reason you get so upset about it is because you think there's something wrong with that. Look at us: This is experience, this is wisdom.
    Frank: This is juicy!
    Marie: You want some real marriage advice? I'm gonna give you the secret. There's gonna be yelling! There's gonna be anger! Don't fight it; accept it! You love him, you hate him. He disgusts you, look how he eats. You keep your head down, and you plow through!
    Frank: Amen!
    Amy: But Marie, you said "hate". How can hate have any place in a marriage?
    Marie: (shrugs) You make room. There's gonna be hate; hate is real. Marriage is real. We may fight, but we're okay with each other. And you know why? We've endured; we have been through it all. And now...
    Frank: ...We're waiting for death!
    (Marie looks confused, but decides to go with it)
    Marie: Not that we're in a rush.
    Frank: Fair enough.
    Marie: THAT'S a marriage.
  • "Ping Pong" had this, after Ray called Frank a jerk for his demeanor during their ping-pong games:
    Frank: Let me tell you something. When I came back from Korea, I had no money, no skills. Sure, I was good with a bayonet, but you can't put that on a resume. It puts people off! I had nothing!
    Ray: You had mom. (Frank looks annoyed) Sorry.
    Frank: I worked at a restaurant, a meat-packing plant, a bowling alley, and they all ended the same way with the same lame-ass excuse: Broke too many dishes. Too slow with the giblets. I'm sorry, you've been placed with a machine that rolls the ball back.
    Ray: You were an accountant.
    Frank: Yeah, by the time you came along, I was an accountant.
    Ray: So? So what? That's a good career.
    Frank: That's a job! You think I liked it? Sitting there all day? Then, the traffic, the idiots... THAT. IS. LIFE. And you've got to be tough. I tried to show you that.
    Ray: With ping-pong?
    Frank: I was good at ping-pong. I never lost a game.
    Ray: So this is all for my own good; the taunting, the trash talk, the dancing. All of that is to help me.
    Frank: You're welcome.
  • In "The Angry Family", the Barones are forced to speak with Father Hubley in an attempt to determine the cause of the family's constant fighting. While most of them turn on each other and manipulate things to their point of view, it's Frank who has the guts to tell Father Hubley the real reason, with possibly the truest statement in the show.
    Frank: You want to know where all the tension in the family comes from? I'm chained to it! Here she is, and if you're looking to find out why she's like this, I'm giving it to you for once and for all. You ready? (points to Debra) There! Right there! [Debra] married [Raymond] and [Marie] still can't deal with it!
  • In "Cookies", Ray has a rivalry with Peggy, a Frontier Girl troop leader who is very pushy. In the last act, Ray defiantly takes her spot outside Marco's Pizza, causing the two to get into a scuffle. Debra shows up and defends Ray in the most badass way possible:
    Peggy: He took my spot.
    Debra: I don't care what he did. Nobody beats up my husband. You got a problem, you take it up with me. You know what I think, Peggy? You are a bully. I don't like bullies. You come near my husband again, you're gonna have a real problem.
  • In "Golf for It", Ray and Robert debate over who should let Marie live with them if Frank dies first. Robert says that he should get her, going on a long rant about how Ray could never love Marie as much as Robert does because Robert has to earn her affection, while Ray gets it just for being Ray. You could really feel the years of torment coming out in that moment.
    Robert: You take her for granted. But me? I cherish every ounce of affection that woman gives me because I have to fight for it like a dirty dog in the street. But you? You don't even have to try. She makes it so easy for ya. You're just a fat kid sitting with his mouth open at the end of a chocolate assembly line.
  • After being reminded of Frank's traumatizing bedtime stories, Ray and Robert try to get him back by hiding in the bedroom closet and jumping out at him. But before they can, Frank starts asking Marie if they should have sex. Ray and Robert naturally jump right out, revealing Frank was alone, and knew the whole time.
    Frank: You mess with the bull, you get the horns!
  • Marie stands up to Frank in ''Marie's Vision' for his Jerkass behaviour. However, when Marie says they're in a loveless marriage, Frank in turn breaks her glasses, the main source of her new criticisms the whole episode.
  • "Liars": Marie deducing that Ray and Debra were lying about spending an evening in a hotel. She takes that lie and works backwards to uncover multiple lies:
    Marie: There was no hotel... which means that wasn't the trick you were playing on us. So then what was it?
    Ray: There was— no, nothing.
    Marie: The washing machine? Having Frank fix something that wasn't broken?
    Ray: Yes, that's it! Ha ha! Gotcha!
    Frank: Why, you lousy big-nosed bastard!
    Marie: Where's the trick in that? And why do you include Michael and Geoffrey? Hmm...
    Robert: (to Amy) She's picking up a scent. Watch this.
    Marie: Why did you rush the kids upstairs? The VCR. The- the kids didn't break the VCR. But why would you lie about it being broken?
    Robert: (to Amy) This is great. I'm usually behind one-way glass during this part.
    Marie: Because there was no tape for Frank to watch, which means you did watch the football the night before, because you didn't have a headache. You lied to me. You both did.
    Debra: Oh, Marie, how can you think that? You are way off, right, Ray?
    Ray: How did you do that?
    Marie: I can put things together! You think I was born yesterday?!
    Frank: Anyone?
  • "Lateness": Ray's epic Jerkass Has a Point rant to Debra when she angrily stares at him for leaving without her:
    Ray: Okay, look. Maybe I shouldn't have left, but we had a deal. It was 6:30. I didn't know that your hair got all snaggled up in your curling pole, and I left. I left, and, and that was wrong. But you know what?! You, you, it's always something. You say you don't mean to be late, but you always are. I think that we're gonna look back and we're gonna see that what happened tonight was a step forward in our relationship. And, and even though you're the one who broke our agreement, I brought you this lovely sports-theme bouquet. I'm glad we could just put this whole matter behind us.
    Debra: I'd like to talk about this more upstairs.
    Ray: Okay. Okay.
  • "T-Ball": Debra and T-ball coach Bryan had a tiff earlier in the episode regarding the approved snack list for games, and Debra got mad at Ray for not supporting her. Later in the episode, Ray wants to get back in Bryan's good graces and brings all the approved snack items. A grateful Bryan wants to thank Ray, but Ray wants to keep it quiet so Debra doesn't find out he went behind her back. It backfires when Bryan insists on giving Ray the credit, leading to an epic moment of Ray snapping at Bryan:
    Ray: Will you shut up about the snack, all right?! Just shut up about the stupid, freaking snack! Here! You want the snack. Here. Take it. Take all of it. Here. Are these healthy enough for you? Plantains! You couldn't just put bananas on the list, huh? I ate two of these before I found out you got to cook 'em!
    Bryan: I'm sorry.
    Ray: What? You don't want to share T-ball with me? I don't want to share T-ball with you, Bryyyyyyan! By the way, your kid's costing us the game out there, okay? Yeah, that's right. I'm keeping score. Bad! I'm keeping score, and we're losing because your kid's out there eating grasshoppers. Okay? I don't think that's an APPROVED. SNACK!
    (Ray storms off)
    Debra: (embarrassed) S-sorry, Bryan.
    Bryan: (struggling to speak) ...You don't have to do snacks anymore.
  • Frank and Marie's argument about Frank throwing out Marie's jar of fat to use the jar for toll coins in "The Can Opener" is, depending on who you ask, awesome for either Frank or Marie:
    Marie: Oh, you never appreciated me, ever! You never ever appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids with the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry, and then you'd waltz in with your list of demands, and not even a "thank you".
    Debra: Thaaaat's right.
    Marie: Debra understands.
    Frank: You wanted a thank you? Where was my thank you?! I waltzed in, huh?! I dragged my ass home every day after ten hours stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car. And if I needed coins to pay the tolls that got me to that job, that paid for that meat, that made that fat, then I'll dump it out whenever I want, and I don't care what you say!
    (Ray hops and punches the air)

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