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Audio Play / Wizard People, Dear Reader

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This wizard has seen YOU.
The god-wheel of fate has stopped for all these kiddies on "yes." Yes in-fucking-deed, you will be a wizard.

Wizard People, Dear Reader is a free audio file by Brad Neely that provides a humorous alternative narration of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, meant to be listened to alone or in sync with the movie.

Much of the humor comes from Neely's modifications to many characters and plot elements, as well as his distinct style of narration, including obnoxious hyperbole, awkward similes, and the tendency to get gradually more vulgar as the movie goes on.

This work provides examples of:

  • Action Dad: Harry, Harry's dad who's actually his step-dad
    "Your father was also a badass."
  • The Adjectival Superhero: The wretched Harmony, the near-dead Dumbledore...
  • Affectionate Parody: It doesn't exactly take the piss out of the source material so much as it does reinterpret the characters and events in some ludicrously hilarious ways.
  • The Alcoholic: Almost everyone, but especially Harry, who is drunk every day before noon.
  • Ambiguously Gay: "Snake, astonished that she has an admirer, and Mouthoil, astonished that he likes women."
    • Harry also seems to have a crush on Firenze.
  • Badass Boast: Harry gets off a few, interesting ones throughout the story.
    • “I am a beautiful animal! I am a destroyer of worlds! I am Harry Fucking Potter!”
    • An even funnier example comes during the climax of the story, where Harry finally defeats his dad.
      "I am gigantic! I am important and unavoidable! For anyone that shall traverse this world, I shall be what they have to go through! This game is over when Harry says it’s over, and no one else! Harry is the one who kills around here, and Harry has killed you! I killed you, Dad!”
  • Bread, Eggs, Breaded Eggs:
    • Apples! Candied Apples! Appled Candy! Candied Whiskey! Apple Fritters! Also Purple Prose.
    • Also, the Sorceror's Stones powers include: lead into gold, horses into gold, immortal life, giving ghosts restored bodies, frag trolls, trolls into gold . . .
  • Buffy Speak: For all the Purple Prose written into the narration, there's also a lot of less-than-graceful descriptions, such as "trying to say that Harry sucks and stuff like that" and "his monologue is stinky".
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Harry's near constant stream of profanity during the Cribbage match. "FUCKWORD AFTER FUCKWORD!"
    • When Hagrid recounts how he told a mysterious stranger about putting Fluffy to sleep, Harry reacts as follows: "What? What could have made you say that? What do you think this is, a fucking free-for-all of facts? Why don't you go and get on the school PA, and tell everyone my dad is Val-mart, and I'm half-Dracula... What fucking good are you? Why don't you learn to keep a God-damn secret you hairy piece of shit?!"
  • Death Is Cheap: Harmony dies. Very briefly. So briefly, in fact, that you can't even see it.
  • Distaff Counterpart: Snake is the Distaff Counterpart of...the Snape from the actual movie.
  • Dub Name Change: Snape being renamed "Snake" and Voldemort being renamed "Val-Mart" are just the tip of the iceberg.
  • Fat Bastard: Harry's Uncle Saltporker and cousin Roast Beefy (also known as Ragtime Roast Beefy, Roast Beefy-Weefs and Roast Beefy O'Weefy).
  • Fauxlosophic Narration: When Brad Neely isn't shouting fuckword after fuckword, at least.
  • Gosh Darn It to Heck!: Zig-zagged: "'Fudge off, you fuck!' says the horrible man."
  • Gag Dub: Not traditionally, but it's basically a humorous audio track meant to be played over the first Harry Potter movie.
  • I Reject Your Reality: When Harry sees his ghost-Dracula dad's sick-ass face on the back of Queerman's head.
    Harry could not accept one fucking part of this reality! Fuck — and — shit!
  • Informed Attractiveness: Inverted. The Wretched Harmony is repeatedly described as hideous.
  • A Kind of One: Val-Mart is "a Dracula".
  • Lemony Narrator: Brad Neely's narration of events, even when it's bothering to stick to what actually occurred in the source material, is unhinged to say the least. It can only be described as Sophisticated as Hell with how it constantly alternates between elaborate similes and swearing.
  • Luke, I Am Your Father: Val-Mart is Harry's father.
  • Metaphorgotten
    Narrator: Her voice was chilling, like a piano made of frozen Windex.
    Her eyes float like smears of fish scales on her burned out candle stump of a head.
  • Mister Seahorse: Hagar is the dragon's mother.
  • Nay-Theist: Ronnie the Bear looked upon the gates of Heaven and rejected God, claiming Heaven is for those too weak and frightened to face the black nothingness.
  • Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: Val-Mart is a ghost Dracula.
  • Obvious Object Could Be Anything: The kids unwrap the broomstick, wondering what it is.
  • Out-of-Character Moment. Also known here as a "moment".
  • Precision F-Strike: "I am a beautiful animal! I am a destroyer of worlds! I... am Harry fucking Potter!"
    • And for Dumbledore: "We will find. That fucking troll. And we will kill. Its fucking ass."
  • Purple Prose: Thank goodness the prose is being narrated, or else you'd probably go blind from just how elaborate the metaphors and similes can get.
  • Running Gag: Pretty much everything Brad Neely ever says, but especially his tendency to rename characters, often inconsistently.
    • Also, the alcoholism of nearly every character. And Harry's love of small horse figurines.
    'Oh, how the wine talks...', 'Harry produces many a wine-out-of-nowhere spell, and is drunk every day before noon..."
  • Serious Business: Quidditch, or "Cribbage" as it's called here, is so important to Harry that he evidently has to hold himself back from chomping the fingers off his opponents.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: The narration is at once overly-verbose and overly-vulgar. It's not uncommon to have a long and complicated simile be capped off by a Precision F-Strike.
  • Übermensch: Harry apparently possesses godlike powers in this universe and fully believes in his own superiority, though he keeps his abilities in check out of consideration for those around him, even if he privately insults quite a few of them.
  • Unreliable Voiceover: Wait, I don't see any whiskey flasks...
    • If you are watching the screen as the gang passes Cerberus, you might be skeptical of Neely when he says that The Wretched Harmony is being mauled to death, since on screen she appears to be perfectly fine.
    'Its so fast, dear readers, that you guys can't even see that it just goes right ahead and takes a big chunk out of Harmony. He bites what is most of her head off. She is dead in an instant.'