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Live Blog Revelations: Let's Read Christain Humber Reloaded
Psyga3152015-07-23 09:35:07

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Hello. Psyga here. Now, if youíve read a lot of liveblogs, you would know that Iíve taken on two of the most infamous fanfics imaginable, bad not for poor grammar, but for unethical looks at childhood classics. Iíve seen Sailor Moon get aborted and Zoicite be destroyed for homophobic reasons. Iíve seen Sonic and Pikachu fuse, creating someone who assists his ďfatherĒ in ridding the land of people who ďwrongedĒ him. However, Iíve liked one of these over the other. I liked American Kitsune WAY better than Sonichu simply because Davey wasnít a complete jackass like Chris-Chan, who dedicates nearly all his battles to events that happened in his real life, or as I usually call it: Soapbox Drama.

So, if Sonichu took all of American Kitsuneís soapbox drama and increased it by eleven, then what do you get when you take all of Sonichuís Designated Hero and increased it by eleven? You get Christian Humber Reloaded. Like the previous two, this story involves a Mega Crossover with a Designated Hero Self-Insert, though this has a strange thing going for it. Whereas American Kitsune stuck to story format while Sonichu stuck to comic format, Christian Humber Reloaded manages to do both. Mind you, the comic was 1) created by another author and 2) discontinued, not because the author was lazy or in Chris-chanís case, because he was getting so much hatred that it drained his creativity, but because he was asked to by the authorís parents themselves.

The story, however, is still up there, and I am uncertain if itís unfinished or not, because like the last two, Iíve never managed to finish this until now, when I decided to type out my reactions to it as if I am Mark Oshiro. However, Iím gonna try my best to go about this as blind as I possibly can, so if thereís something ahead, chances are I donít know about it so I wonít foreshadow it unless they happen to be correct guesses. So, letís get to reading. The story is split up into six parts, yet thereís some small chapters in them, so Iíll treat them like novels. Letís get cracking. Oh, and before you ask, the titling of the books are mine. I like to flavour titles sometimes...

Book I: Fire

They say the times of your life is your childhood, yea right, itís more like a living hell if you ask me.

I will admit that the opening line does seem pretty cool, even if the idea of the main character being a brooding guy with a dark and troubled past seems generic in the world of fan fiction. Our story begins right off the bat with our heroís parents being murdered by hunters while he and his brother were taken up into a laboratory. Yeah, our hero is a wolf. Oh God, itís Kacie Boskey all over again. Long story short, our hero pulls a Claudandus on the scientists and murders them in revenge for the painful experiments that also killed his brother.

Our hero then tries to make it out with a pack, though he just has the dumbest luck of attracting hunters and blood to be shed on both sides. I will give this story some positive points, however. Even if itís not traditional storytelling, like the kind you read in a novel, the storyís narrative has a unique feel. Itís weird to say this, but I actually feel like this guy is sitting in my room, telling me the story of his life in his own words. Yeah, this infamous fanfic is actually making its character leap off the page. Thatís something I didnít say towards Davey, and I liked Davey. Enough gushing, itís time for gushing... of blood. Our hero is critically injured, and is taken in for some healing by a Cheerful Child. If I know my stories, and I think I do, things wonít end well for her...

Oh, and our hero is named Vash. Yes, I actually imagined the ďLOVE AND PEACE!Ē guy too when I read the name. Funny considering that Trigunís Vash never kills, and when he did, it was the better of two choices and he was traumatized for it. Oh, and he was originally named Fluffy by the child, though rejected it because... well, when you have the option between being named something cute and being named after a popular anime character, itís hard not to pick the latter. Okay, something here ticks me off a bit. Vash gets his foot trapped in a beartrap, and after he gets out of it, he goes and kills the guy who set it up using super scent tracking or whatever. The author censors the words... yet early on, he displayed the word ďfuckĒ normally. And these two words are rather tame compared to the f-bomb.

And wouldnít you know it? Vashís kind caretakers are killed and in his rage... he became... a Super Saiyan? WHAT? How... How the fuck does that work? How can a wolf turn Super Saiyan? That doesnít make a lick of sense! You have to have Saiyan genes in order to trigger the transformation. Yes, the way its triggered does echo that in the anime with the whole ďUnstoppable RageĒ thing, but the guy has to be a Saiyan in order to be one, hence the name ďSuper SaiyanĒ. What, did he get injected with some Saiyan genes and now heís able to turn into a Saiyan? Actually, no, I can buy that. Never mind. Carry on.

After a chapter that only serves to point out that ďVash likes to fightĒ, he washes up on shore and comes across strange creatures. Turns out he washed up on Mata Nui. Oh boy, Bionicle... Yeah, Iím not really into Bionicle all that much, and as such, lack the information for the franchise. I will, however, abuse The Wiki Rule and look up information.

The strange creatures are known as Matorans, and Vash winds up talking to the future Toa of Light, Takua. Vash tells Takua that he needs a way to understand his anger so that he doesnít go on a killing spree or something. Takua then takes him to Gali. Reading on her personality, it would make sense Takua would take the brute to the wisest and most peaceful of the six original Toa. If anyone knows how to sooth a raging beast, it would be the mediator.

Apparently mental training turns wolves into humans. Huh? Why? First wolves going Super and now becoming human? There is no explanation to this whatsoever. If anything, Vash should have become a Toa or a Matoran, since, well, humans arenít really in Bionicle. One Training from Hell Montage later, and Vash can now go Super on command. Then he becomes tainted by some sort of Chaos and goes around killing people until he overpowered the sword with his will. Yes, I just summed up two chapters in a single sentence. Will I do this more often? Only if the chapters are a paragraph long. Theyíre starting to remind me of ďBeast WarsĒ, and I donít mean the CGI cartoon either.

So then, he becomes an assassin. He assassinated people like... Hitler? What? He had to assassinate Hitler? Iím not sure if this is crazy awesome or just downright odd. Oh, and after heís done killing Hitler, he kills the guy who paid him as well. WHY? I mean, I get it if the client set up a Contract on the Hitman, but he never lists a reason... Okay, I stated that I liked his style of narration, but I think the narration needs to employ more of a reason to most of the things he does. Like, oh I donít know... WHY HE KILLED HIS CLIENT!?

He then buys a sword and heads on over to Sonicís World. He falls for a trap and is stuck. He then has to have Spike carry the heart... DAMN IT! Wrong Show! Anyways, a hedgehog (I donít know what he looks like, so just imagine Sonic being destroyed on MS Paint, just like 80% of the Sonic OCs) gets him out and decides that Vash should be called Blade. Because why not!

yea, because youíre the only wolf I know who can weld a sword like a pro

Wait, what? Vash (Iím calling him Vash and not Blade because Vash sounds 20% cooler) is in human form... I think. How the hell does Spin (the Hedgehog) know heís a wolf? In fact, the mention of wolf never shows up in this part, so that just raises more questions. You know what? For the sake of this liveblog, Vash is human.

So then he catches wind of Dr. Robotnik...

Dr. Eggman: Nobody calls me that anymore!

Sorry, Dr. Eggmanís little war on Mobius (Spelt Mobeus for some odd reason) and like with any other grudge he has, Vash has the burning desire to kill him. The rest of the chapter is him meeting up with the Freedom Fighters (See, weíre going with the 90ís Sonic and all that jazz) and theyíre like ďEven if you look like you can tear us apart limb from limb, weíre not letting you in our club unless you can fight!Ē And so he acts as a sort of Mysterious Protector. Then the Freedom Fighters decide, ďOh hey, he can tear things apart limb from limb.Ē A doooooooy!

Then we go back to Mata Nui for some reason... Is this guy a Slider? Hey! Haruhi! I found him! That Slider you want so badly! This time he takes on the Visorak, which are pretty much... {sigh}

A giant legion of spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-ders. Anyways... He fights the Visorak, but is outmatched, until a familiar face shows up. Turns out his friend that took him to Gali has become part Toa, part beast, or a Toa Hordika as the Wikia tells me. Huh. Thought it was spelled Horkeita. Anyways, Vash and his Toa friend go and create a new sword for Vash, in which he gives it a Japanese name (because no fanficís complete without one or two Japanese words) and bonds it with his blood.

One part made me chuckle though:

I turned to the toa and said ďnow that Iím ready, lets go open a can of whoop-assĒ they didnít know what that meant so I told them ďit means lets go beat the living shit out of the visorakĒ they agreed to my idea.

It was even more funnier when I put it in this liveblog. In fact, some of these lines actually elicit a chuckle or two out of me. I think thatís actually an improvement from several other things Iíve liveblogged. Maybe itís because I am reading Vash as Duke Nukem or some other badass 80ís action sci-fi hero.

Alright kids, itís time to play spot the flaw. I present to you a quote, and you have to pick apart the quote and find its flaw. Ready? GO!

I jumped from my hiding place and landed on their web attracting all their attention to me. I was right about how to piss them off; I had a lot of fun dodging their attacks.

Did you find it? No? Let me give you a hint.

I jumped from my hiding place and landed on their web [...] I had a lot of fun dodging their attacks.

Still donít get it? Alright. Answer time. Heís on a web. Dodging attacks. Arenít webs supposed to be sticky? Or are Visorak webs special? If so, how the hell do they get food if they canít catch their prey? Do they use the web like a lasso? Do they just make webs because they like to do it? Do they surf on the web? {rimshot}

Basically they find the queen and kick her ass. Then that Toa of Light movie happens and then...

Oooooh... yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees... THE MAGUN! {SQUEE} Seriously, when I remotely know something and like it, chances are, Iím gonna squee. And to add to my squee, Vash actually does the whole ďSoil is my power!Ē speech against random throwaway Bionicle villain, who I will take great pains to call Sidoh. I mean, I have the song playing in my head as I read this. This is simply epic. HE SUMMONS A FUCKING BLACK HOLE! HOW AWESOME IS THAT!? AND THEN HE HAS A TALK WITH KAZE!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!

Oh god... And thatís when itís a show I have little to no info on... God, I love crossovers. Buuuuuut then the squeeing dies down when I realize that Kaze was assigned to be Vashís guardian by his father. Keep in mind that Vash was a wolf before all this happened. How the hell did his father know heíd have a Super-Powered Evil Side or two (remember, Super Saiyans get more and more malevolent with each stage up to and including Super Saiyan 4)? And apparently he was killed during that time Vash became Chaos or whatever...

He then fights a corrupted version of himself and summons Odin to kick his ass. Then after brutally murdering a bunch of gang members in ways that I only thought villains were allowed to do, he goes to Feudal Japan and finds the Shikon Jewel.

I found a strange jewel, I identified it as the Shikon Jewel, but white as snow, that confused me because the Shikon Jewel is pink, but white, that makes no fucking sense at all.

No. What makes no fucking sense at all is the fact that you are able to know what the hell the Shikon Jewel is. Then Vashís Brother reanimates and tries to kill Vash, but the jewel and the Magun combined to make a massive killing blow. Then his corrupted self shows up AGAIN, and Vashís sword breaks AGAIN, and he gets a Cheerful Child and her father AGAIN. Hey, at least itís not like in My Immortal where the events actually repeat themselves.

He fixes up his sword and tells everyone that heíll go on a killing spree if his sword breaks (Either this is some sort of curse he has or itís his Berserk Button... I like the latter, it makes sense) and after murdering some robbers, he goes to Japan and beats up the Emperor because he wasnít welcome. Yeah, That would teach them not to be afraid of you. Beat up their leader! Surely nothing bad can come of it. Ainít that right, Chrysalis?

{is still being sent flying by the love powered shield, and couldnít come to answer the question}

Thought so. Then Vash gets arrested because Soku, his cheerful and yet so doomed child ratted him out. Aaaaaaaaaaand this is where we hit what I think is to be one of many Moral Event Horizons. In response for being ratted out, he gets out of prison and murders all of Sokuís friends. Then he kills Soku and her entire bloodline. No, not just her family, he goes after anyone remotely having a connection to Soku. Wow. Not sure if this tops Chris-chanís ďmurder a building full of people because a few people ruined my life and one bad apple soils the bunchĒ event, but I can safely say itís very, very close. Heck, they make Davey a saint by comparison, because you could probably believe he was knocking out all those people with the Luna Card.

Then, as if to make me forget that sinful crime, Vash goes crazy-go-nuts and the scene in question is just... so... funny. Basically, he decides that, after sixteen long years of hiding from the cops, he breaks into the police station and declares ďIím back!Ē while wearing a hockey mask and a black suit. Then he was asked by one of the cops who he was and he answers ďIím the dude who burned that village down a while back... Hug me?Ē Then when the cop is like ďthe fuck?Ē He just goes: ďjust arrest me.Ē And, really, thatís a pretty funny moment, mainly because itís so batshit crazy.

Then, during his five-year stay in prison, a riot ensues and he was given the job of taking down the rioters, dead or alive. Guess which part he takes? So, surprisingly, the government actually decide to use a criminalís talents and hire him for a terrorist hunter. And after dealing with his corrupted self again (itís starting to make me think of the Mxyzptlk episode in Superman: The Animated Series, where Clark was getting very annoyed by the encounters), Soku comes back for revenge. Because hey, the dead donít bother to stay dead, Jim! But she gets killed and... through confusing logic, all is forgiven for him murdering a child (Okay, they say she's 37, but usually when dead people come back, they tend to be around the same age as they were when they died) in front of other children.

Then he gets a call, but ignores it because he has... school? Erm... okay? Why is Vash going to school? Isnít he a sociopathic murderer? Why does he go to school?

Who is this creature that he had encountered?

Well, itís a cliffhanger! So, what do I think of it so far? Meh. Some parts were awesome, but other parts were just confusing or downright evil. I am interested in reading more, so thereís that benefit. So, what will happen next? Well, tune in next time to find out.


Jul 23rd 2015 at 9:30:12 AM
The liveblog is fairly good so far, although it does move somewhat quickly.

The fic is something of a So Bad, It's Good Guilty Pleasure, with no plot or characterization whatsoever, but it has some nicely over-the-top action, amusingly cliche lines and parts in which the author clearly didn't think things through (for example, Season Bringer's size and weight).

I particularly liked the part where Vash has to explain what "let's open a can of whoopass" means.

The part about "school" is particularly nonsensical, since Vash was 6 years old when he escaped the lab, spent 16 years on the run, served 5 years in prison, and 10 years passed between when he got oout and when he met Soku again, making him at least 37 years old (and this isn't even the last Time Skip)

On that regard, Soku is potentially in her thirties, depending on when she got reanimated, and is no longer a child.

Incidentally, the webcomic (I suspect you've seen or at least heard of it, since the link is to that site) ended up getting stopped because Christian Humber and his family complained. Here's hoping the same thing doesn't happen to this liveblog.
Jul 23rd 2015 at 9:33:58 AM
@Valiona: I mentioned the comic and its discontinuedness.

Whereas American Kitsune stuck to story format while Sonichu stuck to comic format, Christian Humber Reloaded manages to do both. Mind you, the comic was 1) created by another author and 2) discontinued, not because the author was lazy or in Chris-chanís case, because he was getting so much hatred that it drained his creativity, but because he was asked to by the authorís parents themselves.