Welcome to the Sexy Stripping Saiga Show! Here I will be documenting my Nuzlocke run of a randomized Pokemon Emerald! What do I mean by randomized? Well, I simply used this Pokemon Emerald randomizer to make all the starter and wild Pokemon completely random! Now, RSE are my least favourite games in the series (well, excluding Gen I. Fuck Gen I) but with this I'm sure I'll have a load of fun (until I get to the water routes. Fuck the water routes). And on top of that, I'm going to Nuzlocke it, because I've never done that before. What's a Nuzlocke you ask? Good question, go read Bulbapedia!
- Any Pokémon that faints is considered dead, and must be released. Saiga's addition: Pokemon that seem edible enough must be consumed by the survivors. It's a spiritualist thing.
- The player may only catch the first Pokémon encountered in each area, and none else. If the first Pokémon encountered faints or flees, there are no second chances. <— I'll break the shit out of this rule if I run into a Pokemon I like.
- Nickname all your Pogeymans for stronger emotional effect <— Sounds easy enough to do. Might break it out of laziness.
- Adjusting the first encounter rule to ban duplicate captures <— If I understand the randomizer correctly, I won't run into duplicates so this rule shouldn't matter. If I'm wrong I might actually follow it anyway.
- Considering a black out/white out to be "game over," even if there are Pokémon left in the PC. <— I stop when I feel like it (water routes). Of course I might feel like it after a white out.
- No catching/using of legendaries. <— Yeah, I'll follow this. For set Legendaries. Can't make any promises if I find a randomized one. Muahahahha!
- All the other rules are stupid and won't be mentioned.
So, to quote Maximum Paradise Driver, "It's time to duel so come and get your game on because I'm kicking this turbo duel into overdrive EXTREME!" (major spoilers)
"Are you a boy? Or a girl?"
"I'm a boy."
"All right. What's your name?"
And just like that, I wake up in the back of a fucking van. So much for stranger awareness, that bastard didn't even need candy to get me here. Wait, what are these boxes? Pokemon delivery company? Holy shit, they must have thought I was a Pokemon! I blame the stupid hat.
Suddenly, the back of the van opens up and light floods the van. Nobody comes in, so I decide to take this chance to attempt an escape, whether from poachers or paedophiles, I don't know. I jump out the back of the van, surprised that to see myself in a quaint little town in front of a quaint little house. The house's main door opens and I'm surprised to see my mother step out! What the devil is going on?!
Mother: Corey, we're here, honey! It must be tiring riding with our things in the moving truck.
Oh, right, the moving. That was today. And I wasn't kidnapped, I thought it'd be fun to ride in the back of the delivery truck. It actually was pretty fun until I slammed my head into the barbeque.
Mother: Well, this is LITTLEROOT TOWN. How do you like it? This is our new home!
Shit, you don't have to scream it at me, woman! It's not like I'm going to forget the name, not that I'd need to remember it anyway.
Me: It seems fine enough.
Mother: It has a quaint feel, but-
Me: Whoa! That was totally my first thought!
My mother continued rambling on like she does, mentioning that at this new place I got my own room! Big deal, I had my own room at our old house. And the one before that. Also, why the hell where they making Vigoroth handle the deliveries? That sounds like a terrible idea. They don't even have humans supervising them. Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to see my room and I decided it was better than hanging out with some unsupervised perpetually pissed off giant sloths. After I set my clock, my mother told me I should visit from professor who lived next door.
Once I entered the professor's house, I was met with his wife who explained that the professor wasn't in and that they had a daughter around my age that was excited to meet me. Yay, time to make a friend! I headed up to her room and found it empty. Bummer. After reading her diary and emails, I saw a Pokeball on the floor. Neat! I went to have a closer look, when a girl entered the room.
The girl introduced herself as May, and told me that she hoped that I would be nice and that we could be friends. Well, I'm sure we can be friends. She seemed nice enough, if a little shy. Too bad about the name though, May isn't very sexy. If I could have named her, it would have been a sexy female name, like Shauni, or Carlos. All of a sudden she jumped and mentioned something about having to help her father, ushering me out of the room.
I decided to go explore the town, when I heard a cry for help. The voice sounded... familiar. I headed towards the sound to find a Zigzagoon growling at a grown man. I nearly facepalmed. However, when he started begging me to help him, I knew where I heard that voice. It was the bastard who tried to molest me! Oh, he was in for it now. He mentioned that he had Pokemon in his suitcase and a wicked thought crossed my mind.
I inspected the three Pokemon he had: A Spheal, a Grumpig, and a Butterfree. What an odd selection of Pokemon. I had to weigh my options here. Spheal was adorable as fuck, and water/ice attacks would be pretty nifty, but on the other hand there was Grumpig. Having an evolved Pokemon right off the bat would be pretty damn sweet, and he starts off with Psybeam. And then there's Butterfree, who sucks. Grumpig it is!
While I was making my decision, the Zigzagoon had started gnawing on the man's legs. Nice. However, if I was going to get my revenge on him, I should get rid of the Zigzagoon. A single Psybeam knocked it out, and then I whispered in Grumpig's ear to attack the man now. It ignored me, and returned to it's grateful master. I scowled, and the man introduced himself as Professor Birch. Oh great, I live next door to a guy who tried to molest me. And now he wants me to go back to his lab with him. Yeah, right, like I'm going to fall for-
Birch: And if you do, I have a gift for you.
OH SWEET I'M GOING TO GET CANDY.
Back at the lab, Birch congratulated me on my battling and told me I could keep the Grumpig as a pet. I was let down that there was no candy, but I didn't get raped either so it's not all bad. He then asked me if I wanted to nickname the fat pig, and I called it Greg. As it turns out, Greg has a gentle nature. With that, Birch told me to find May and have her teach me what it means to be a trainer.
So I set off with my new partner, Greg the gentle Grumpig. I had the feeling this was going to be the start of a beautiful friendship.