I meant to do this yesterday, but didn't. If there's anything that can match reading two chapters of Romance Reports for tedium, it's recapping two chapters of Romance Reports.
So last chapter Twilight had sex with Braeburn. Oh yeah, and Luna sent her a letter congratulating her on masturbating to fantasies of her friends.
So these two chapters are surprisingly lacking in sex. Not that it makes them any more bearable, because now we have to deal with awkward, annoying conversations and questionable-at-best characterization. So the girls are all meeting at the spa for that girly stuff, and Twilight reveals to Rarity that she had sex with Braeburn. Applejack comes in and Twilight reveals the whole "I'm in love with Luna and she has an assignment for me" shtick and then they skirt around the subject of "sex with Braeburn" for a bit until Twilight gets a letter from Braeburn that pretty much indicates he's in love with her. How she gets a letter at the fucking day spa I forget, maybe someone brought it in, whatever, past the point of caring. So Applejack is pissed at Twilight for basically being callous and manipulative and Twilight learns a lesson about how breaking hearts is a part of the thing and she feels bad. This is where the story's "plot" comes in or something, and where it starts looking like the author is trying to give a grand treatise on the nature of love.
In a My Little Pony porn fic.
Anyway, the other girls walk in.
Pinkie Pie's Pinkie Sense informs her that Twilight got laid, and she and Rainbow Dash enact an impromptu skit that I shall post below:
"I'm Braeburn! Aaaaaaapplelooooooosa! Watcha readin' cutie?" Pinkie bounces over to Rainbow Dash.
"Egghead's Guide to Sensual Steamy Sexin'," Rainbow Dash says in a snooty tone, pretending to close the book.
"Sounds fun! Let's do it!" Pinkie mounts Rainbow Dash like a stallion, ramming her hips into Dash's flanks. Fluttershy squeaks and covers her eyes.
"Oh yes! Books! Science! Sarcasm!" Rainbow Dash yells.
"Apples! Desert! More apples!" Pinkie Pie yells with each thrust.
"Nnnnnnnahhhhh Princess Celestia!" Dash yells out, writhing in fake pleasure.
"Woooooo Appleloosa!" Pinkie slams Rainbow Dash one last time and they both collapse in a pile, laughing.
Blah blah blah "no sense of propriety whatsoever" bullshit bullshit bullshit.
Then they start talking about sexual orientations and Twilight says she's gonna start dating mares and Applejack goes "you can't be attracted to both!"
Gotta love how the story is making the characters so unlikable. At least The Ballad of Twilight Sparkle hasn't made Twilight unlikable. But then again, perhaps this story has a leg up on Fallout Equestria, because Twilight is actually sorry about something, which is more than I can say about Littlepip.
So anyway, as mentioned, they decide to talk about their sexual orientations, devising a scale from 1 to 9, with 1 being exclusively attracted to mares and 9 being exclusively attracted to stallions. Applejack says she's a 9, Fluttershy says she's a 9 but changes it to an 8 because she "read about it" once or twice, Rarity says she's a 9 to Twilight's confusion, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie are both at 5, and Twilight is a 3 or a 4, leaving her the only one who's mostly attracted to mares. Hope you weren't hoping for there to be any more het scenes in this thing.
Anyway, they leave and Twilight sees Cheerilee being all shocked, because laaaaaaaaawl the conversation could be heard from outside the sauna.
Yeah, Cheerilee keeps popping up, because spoiler that's who Twilight hooks up with in the end.
Chapter 7 is shorter. Twilight is getting Spike his own room because she needs hers for sex. She asks him why he's in love with Rarity and he lists off generic bubbly happy adjectives, then there's a gag where she spends a paragraph imagining the two in bed together, Spike with a mustache whatever, and then Spike asks Twilight why she's in love with Luna, and Twilight finds herself doing the same thing.
Then Twilight gets a letter from Princess Luna, congratulating her on masturbating to fantasies of her friends. No, really.
Anyway, next scene, Twilight is meeting with Rainbow Dash, who is going to help her start dating mares. And Twilight is admiring her body.
Okay, you know how last time I mentioned how sometimes Twilight argues with herself and it alternates between italics and non-italics? And how I hypothesized that maybe it's a "thoughts vs feelings" thing? Welp, turns out that doesn't make any sense and it's just some sort of stupid thing for... stupid. Seriously, it's jarring. Littlepip's narration might be annoying but at least it doesn't completely change formats all of a sudden.
Anyway, we get a reveal - Rainbow Dash had sex with Rarity too! And she told both of them not to tell anyone! And now Rainbow Dash is going to tell Twilight exactly what happened in the next chapter. Because respecting your friend's wishes for privacy? Naaaaaah.
Also, here's another tidbit - the author has built up a sort of canon around this story. In addition to Twilight Sparkle goes around having sex so she can have sex with Princess Luna, there's also Need, which is Cheerilee and Big Macintosh as teenagers (gee that doesn't sound creepy at all), set before. There's also Like Fine Wine, which is later, focusing on Spike and Rarity (I can't believe I read all 19k of this fucking thing). But, most recently, he's started a new story, titled "Up in the Clouds, Down to Earth." This is a more direct sequel that apparently he's been hyping a bit, apparently with Fluttershy as the protagonist and centering on the Fluttermac pairing. There is one chapter so far.
I think I'll give it a read.
