- Tookie — (colloquial) the buttocks
, shortened form of the Yiddish word "tuchus."
de la Crème — "of the cream"
Tookie De La Crème — "buttocks of the cream"
I could not make that name up if I tried. And even if the rest of the book is garbage, I really needed that laugh. This makes my copy of the book worth at least as much as the paper it was printed on.
Incidentally, the book says her name is "Tookie De La Crème", when it should be "Tookie de la Crème." I discovered this after a long and arduous 15 seconds of research using Google. [/Grammar Nazi]
Our narrator continues talking at us (in all italics, so we know the actual plot hasn't start yet). We get a very long description of our protagonist.
The girl whose face not even the meanest person you know would describe as yuck but who you'd never in a million—no, a trillion years describe as alluring either.
Let me get this straight. Tyra Banks is a model, but she doesn't understand that no matter how pretty you are, there are people who will insult your appearance? She's either been somehow sheltered from reality or she is in denial.
Tuchus De La Crème has:
- eyes "three centimeters too far apart"
- a mouth "four centimeters too long"
- hair that "can't decide if it's supposed to be quasi-curly, silky-straight, frantic-frizzy, or wet-and-wavy—or maybe a "Power to the People" 'fro."*
- a body that "is a contradiction of itself: a slightly hunched back . . . feet the size of snowshoes, and stick-figure arms and legs."*
- a "humongous, punch-bowl-sized head" and huge forehead
- mismatched clothing
- one green eye and one brown eye
If we aren't supposed to view her as "yuck", why do we get a description that does nothing but point out her flaws?
The narrator finally gets to the exciting action: Tushie skipping class and lying in the middle of the school's hallway while eating whipped cream. Epic.
Booty is said to be the school's best "skipper."
So the narrator's saying that all the teachers are morons, then?
The school is called the B3 Institute, which stands for the Bangles, Baubles and Beads Institute. You see, it was converted from an old factory which made those three items, and no one thought to change the name when it was converted into a school.
Rump De La Crème has a perfect internal clock, so she can count down how long is left until class ends, using "T minus" counting to do so.
The thick green smoke produced smells like "a mixture of gasoline, mold, melted plastic, and methane gas."
Reality check. A factory produces smoke as a part of the production process. A factory that is not operating will not continue to create smoke. And given that gas fumes, mold, and methane gas can all be dangerous, OSHA would dismember these people and mail their body parts to others as warnings.
Class ends and Gluteus Maximus continues lying on the floor. People walk by her and no one even notices that she's there, because she's just a "Forgetta-Girl."
Bull crap. I don't care how invisible you may feel, people will notice if you lie down in the middle of the floor. At my high school, it would at least merit a "get up, dumbass!" (Pardon my French.) While everyone ignores Derrière, they are talking about the BESTEST HOLIDAY EVER!, T-DOD (The Day of Discovery) and the search for SMIZE Falcon's Eyes.
Fanny considers to angst about not being noticed, when her sister Myrracle sees her lying on the floor.
DON'T EXPLAIN THE JOKE!
So, you're saying that Myrracle is stupid?
I know I'm just supposed to notice how dumb Myrracle is in comparison to Tush, but the way she's described, it sounds like Myrracle has mental retardation. I'm hoping I'm wrong, because having the main character make fun of someone with a genuine disability? Not cool.
Myrracle leaves and - still lying on the floor - Bum De La Crème starts to write in her journal, the TMJ (T-Mail Jail) about her SPLD (Silent Protest by Lying Down), which is in its 39th day.
Add "irony" to the list of words that Tyra Banks does not know the meaning of.
In case you haven't figured it out yet, this chapter is very acronym happy. And each time a new one is introduced and has to be explained, it breaks the flow of the narrative. Is SMIZE an acronym, too? Super Magical Incredible zOMG Eye?
Anyway, Heinie decides that English is too boring for today, so she'll write in some other language.
Smells awfully Sue in here.
Keister is interrupted by bowlegged footsteps that indicate that Theophilus Lovelaces, the class president is approaching. He once spoke to Posterior (which makes him the only one in the school aside from Myrracle to do this). Cue flashback!
Cheeks fell down some stairs. There were dozens of people there, but no one bothered to stop to help her. Then Theophilus stopped and asked if she was okay. Rather than focusing on the fact that she likely had a concussion, she stared up at him and admired his looks. He offered to help her up, but she just stared at him until he felt uncomfortable and left.
Jerk. She fell down a flight of stairs! She seems incapable of talking or even moving and is drooling. The girl obviously has a concussion, and he just left her lying there. But, of course, this results in Backside developing a crush on him.
We also learn that Theophilus is loaded (but not conceited), and always wears a "VOTE FOR LOVE" button that he uses to campaign for class president. [/end flashback]
Back in the present, Theophilus walks by and his button falls off his shirt and onto Duff. She sits up and a random hockey stick sends the button flying.
If you're reading along, the following scene is best experienced with this music:
I don't care if it's overused. Yakety Sax makes everything better.
Sadly, these kind of wacky scenes don't work well outside of movies. (And they often don't even work there.) In prose, it's just contrived and boring.
The hockey stick sends the button flying, and Rear End gives chase. Someone steps on it, and it flies farther away. It falls down some stairs and someone's boot sends it flying into the cafeteria trashcan. She starts riffling through the trash in desperate search of the button.
And we have officially crossed the line from "innocent crush" into "creepy, future stalker."
The button is a horrible mess and covered with food. Several letters have rubbed off the button, so it now looks like it reads "T O OKE" instead of "VOTE FOR LOVE". She sees this as a sign and says "Me!" Naturally, Theophilus happens to be behind her, and saw her rooting through the trash can.
It was astounding. Amazing. The second sentence Theophilus had ever said to her.
Actually, it's the fifth. Nice editing. (In all fairness, the editor might not have allowed to do their job.)
Theophilus' girlfriend, Zarpessa Zarionneaux, appears at this exact moment. She is - of course - a beautiful, rich and shallow person. She has a $5000 dollar purse and made a campaign poster for Theophilus with gold dust.
The happy couple kiss and walk away, leaving Buns alone and covered in trash. She pockets the button.
And for Tookie De La Crème, miracles were impossible to come by.
Prediction: Next chapter, she'll find a SMIZE.
Names and Acronyms the Reader Is Pelted With In This Chapter
Acronyms: B3 Institute* , B4* , T-DOD* , TMJ* , SPLD* , FG* , and SMIZE* .Names: Ariella Burtona, Tatiana Sharonne, Jason Milano, Zarpessa Zarionneaux, Myrracle De La Crème, Theophilus Lovelaces, Albert Talbert, Manny Manuel, and Abigail Goode.
Langugae Names: Gowdee'an, Très Jolie, BayJingle, Colorian (from the land of SansColor).
The Setting
So far, this book seems to be a modern settting with made up countries and languages. We have factories, rockets* , modern slang, but also some magical talismans and magical models. It's a modern setting with magic awkwardly sutured on. This is lousy world building.For much better examples of combining magic and a modern setting, see The Dresden Files and Harry Potter.
Oh, and now that I've gotten them out of my system, I'm done making fun of Tookie's name.
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