...trust me, the title will be true later.
Last time, on Four Lines, All Waiting: The Movie—er, I mean Kickboxing Academy, bullies Chet and Treck bullied a lot, Stan and Barry watched some classes, and there's a fighting tournament between the titular Kickboxing Academy and Fatal Combat. Gee, I wonder who will win.
So let's continue on. Hm, I wonder how, er, well the kid's doing with the chokehold?
Answer: way too good. I think the student receiving the chokehold might be unconscious. And Captain Tarbeck isn't bothering to call the paramedics. Um...does he not give a shit about his own students?
And apparentally, one of the bullies is also doing the chokehold, and he's asked if he's securing the enemy's head. Chet replies, "Yes, Captain!" And what happens next? He tries to knock the enemy unconscious. And what's next after that? A sucker punch.
No, not the film of the same name, nor the Pokemon move of the same name. Chet delivers a jarringly cut sucker punch, hurting the enemy. Once again not giving a shit about any other students' well-being, Tarbeck congratulates Chet. And he tells him that he'll be representing the school in the Black Belt's division. How does he react to that?
A completely fake grunt and a face that looks like he's...yeah, constipated, clinching his hands into a fist—ew. Enough of that.
So after pumping Chet up, Tarbeck knocks him down, and he gets a phone call. A phone...that looks like...a hand grenade. Um...
Anyway, the boss lets Tarbeck know that he has a secret weapon planned out if his main guy isn't up to it. Tarbeck reassures that he's training his boys well.
...yeah, sure, by "training them well", you mean fucking nearly killing them, you asshole. For that matter...what happened to the little girl? God only hopes that she decided to bail out.
Luckily, the boss states that it's exactly what he's worried about, and he should keep in mind what he said. Once he hangs up, he looks at a picture of a boy who might either be his son or grandson, who the hell knows.
Back at the Tire Company wherein Brian prepped his car up, he receives a phone call, and he doesn't look too happy about it. He hurts his finger while trying to fix a car, and his boss asks him what is going on with him. The answer? He's fine. Though, really, after much badgering, he says that he can't get his girlfriend, Cindy, on the phone. Because they also had that car show to go to.
Dude, you do realize that she has more pressing matters at the moment, like...prepping for that big tournament?
Naturally, the boss had no idea that Cindy liked cars, and Brian states that she's nuts about them. Speaking of, she left a message two hours ago. Brian leaves to get it, and he's disappointed. They talk about the car show and how they're supposed to go with their babes, blah blah blah.
Speaking of blah blah blah, now we're treated to a date with June and the man she's with, for the latter, it's a "meager attempt to impress (her)". He's trying to have her get a relaxing time since, y'know, everything's not fine.
Then after he orders for some wine, the man tells June that when he's with her, his mind slips away, the contracts and deals become unimportant, gone. You know, the usual lovey-dovey stuff. And he says that it's also like they're alone in a deserted island.
...
Somehow, I'm trying to think of a non-horrible metaphor to describe such a thing in real life...and now I can't.
And right in the middle of the talk, a Moment Killer arrives in the form of the man's phone. One quick phone call later, he's still making lovey-dovey talk with June. This time, mentioning how beautiful her eyes are.
...isn't there a plot to move along with? It's almost feeling like...absolutely boring filler.
Hey, now we cut to a party. Cindy and Melinda talk about how someone "does it", though Cindy thinks that the latter should be with someone she really loves, and in return, someone who loves her. I...really don't want to know what the context means here. :/ And, of course, Melinda doesn't give a shit about it.
...wow. One of our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.
Cut right damn back to the cafe/June's date, and they're still doing lovey-dovey talk. At least we were spared of the potential time-wasting dinner. The man says that they had a wonderful time, and June states that they should get a table for three: her, him, and the telephone.
That was actually pretty funny.
Suddenly, just as the two walk to the car, three hooded figures show up, and as usual, June kicks their asses. You know, if those guys are from that Fatal Combat, why is it that they're not showing much of a threat? It's like the talk about how trained they are is an Informed Ability—wait, it is. And I'm sure that the "secret weapon" they have isn't much better.
...wait, I spoke too soon, one of the thugs do knock out the man. Damn.
Oh, yeah, and the thugs have shurikens. Which June dodges. No, she doesn't do a Matrix-styled dodge. They bring out the nunchucks, but June waits until she finds a clear shot to kick one of them. And then once they bring out the swords, she slashes them.
...I almost have to wonder that, regardless if it's self-defense or not, it would still potentially kill them.
Also? The man, after June blocks the nunchuck with the sword, smashes a bottle on the last thug's head. Once again, while amping up the danger level, they show no more of a threat. It seems that the Kickboxing Academy would be just fine.
So the thugs flee, and the two lovebirds wonder what the hell was up with that. June states that the next time something happens like that, she's the kickboxer, he's the lawyer. So it means to leave the fighting to her. And he'll sue for damages.
Cut back to Cindy walking along. This is where we find ourselves in the infamous scene in the movie. So once again, in lieu of recapping it directly, here's a slightly-reworded, but very-much-word-for-word recap in the style of bad Power Rangers slash fic. And for the purposes of it, here, Brian will be replaced by Dana.
(Carter strolls around in the park near Wherever the Fuck it Is, USA. There, lying on a picnic cloth, staring at the stars, he finds Andros.)
Carter: ...Andros? Andros, is that you?
Andros: Oh! Hi, Carter!
Carter: The hell are you doing out here?
Andros: I was just sleeping.
Carter: ...Andros. You were sleeping on the dirt on the beach.
Andros: Well, it was the only place I could think of, to escape from my troubles.
Carter: ...trouble with your dad?
Andros: You'd think that a 52-year-old man would conk out after a case of beer.Reader's Note I hope I have the energy to throw a coffee table through a wall at his age.
Carter: ...you could have called me!
Andros: Maybe last year. Anyways, I thought that you lost interest!
Carter: Well, what did you expect? The way you took off after...after the accident during the kickboxing competition.Reader's Note
Andros: Accident?! I nearly killed that guy!
Carter: It was an accident. Besides, I didn't hear from you for months. What was I supposed to do?
Andros: It doesn't matter anymore...I don't fight anymore, and you're seeing someone else.
Carter: I'm not too sure about that. Dana and I...she's a nice girl and everything.
Andros: Do you remember that time that we stayed up all night, talking on your roof, and I almost fell off, and your dad heard us?
Carter: I remember. He called the cops.
Andros: Yeah. Does that seem like a long time ago, or what?
Carter: ...mm, yeah. I know.
(A long pause formed between the two allies in red. Finally, Andros spoke up.)
Andros: ...Carter.
Carter: What?
Andros: I don't know, it's...you and me...and...it's been a long time...
(Carter, in love with Andros, smiles the biggest smile. Then...)
Carter: Shut up. Kiss me.
(And so, the two Rangers kiss each other while, no doubt, later making out while this
plays.* No doubt that many a shipper went Squee that day.)
Now...as usual. Replace "Andros" with "Proto!Andros". "Carter" with "Cindy". And "Squee" into "OH GOD FOR THE LOVE THAT'S ALL PURE, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!"
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Where in the fuck do I even begin?! Seriously, that's so much of mega Squick that I literally had to imagine both Carter and Andros kissing in order to try to—AH GOD IT'S STILL THERE!
...
Okay. Okay. Obviously, you all now know that scene. In which Christopher and Chyler's characters kiss. See the problem? That problem that I related briefly in the Introduction? Congratulations.
Now, this shouldn't be faulted, even by a whole lot, by the actors. It has been said, and in fact, proven, that the fault is those of the casting directors and (albeit not stated) the siblings' Stage Mom. In the third kiss (which would be later on, but it should still be mentioned)? Christopher and Chyler spat out during each take because it was so fucking sick. Damn...and considering that it's been said that Chyler had a rough childhood to the point where she no longer talks to her mom, you have to feel sorry for her.
Likewise...I feel sorry for Christopher, too. Aside from being saddled with shitty characters (you know, the jerkasses and Designated Heroes, with the exceptions of a few), well...even he refuses to talk about the movie. As one Big Name Fan says...
- "...don't bring that up if you meet Chris, he's sensitive about it."
I think, because of what happened, Christopher is probably one of Power Rangers' Woobies. It's too bad of what happened. But on a brighter note, it should be noted that the next time the two siblings starred together, which was the short-lived and relatively more obscure Safe Harbor two years later, they were almost going to be lovers until the casting directors actually got the fucking hint and, avoiding another fiasco, decided to say, "yeah, no" to that. They were more portrayed as friends. And yes, Christopher was thankful that the aversion happened. And so are we.
Now that that's out of the way, there are a few more things I'd like to point out. First of all, Proto!Andros' dad has a drinking problem, which is noted in the first "Author's Notes". I'm pretty sure that we'll never see that character, so—and I'm not trying to offend anyone or anything—it just feels like a cheap move. I could be wrong on the "never see him" part, though.
Secondly, the reason why Proto!Andros avoided fighting? He almost killed someone. To his credit, he isn't sad or derangely obsessed about it (like, y'know, a certain Human Alien in then-next year's Power Rangers series—again, poor Christopher), but...he could have easily learned from his mistake and continued to train. After all, we just saw him defeat the bullies with little to no trouble at all. So...why is he still worried about it? Maybe, perhaps, he's trying to get over it, and with a little self-adversary, he'll do it.
It's understandable to stop fighting if you killed someone. But...ugh. Cindy's right in which it was an accident. So, yeah, again, doesn't make any sense.
And the worst part of all this, this analyzing? Part 3 is not over yet. So let's continue.
Welcome back to Fatal Combat, where the teacher is an uncaring douchebag. (Though, to its credit, that kickboxing academy does live up to its name.) Tarbeck is brushing his teeth until he gets another phone call. Which is a prank call delivered by "Al", as in "Al kick your butt if you don't stop crapping on my lawn". And once again, the scene? Pointless.
So we catch up to another bully and Cute Shotaro Boy Jason. Before the bully gets Jason's skateboard, the little guy rides away. So we're treated with a chase scene that, for some reason, feels the need to cut to a chicken. (Huh?) After that, though, Jason manages to cross the street in time until a white van pulls up. The bully swears that if he catches Jason, he's dead.
Jason is lucky to be alive, but he seems to be in pain. June walks up behind him, asking if he's okay. Jason lies by stating that he's doing training exercises, and June responds by saying that he has to show her sometime...and once they go inside, they find their beloved Kickboxing Academy ransacked and vandalized, complete with creepy-as-hell red paint smeared over the doors and "PAIN" written on it.
...
And that's not the only damage. Pictures aren't set up right, papers are everywhere, more "PAIN" is written on there, even on a board with the school name on it, and—perhaps most disturbingly—a mannequin head tied on a rope, which is itself hung upside down on a ceiling fan. And June is horrified by what she sees.
...damn. I guess I was wrong in thinking that they're just jokes.
One star-wipeout later, the academy's class is assembled, and they can't believe what just occurred. June states that they don't know who did this, but Melinda (and everyone else) knows who really did it. Brian suggests that they should go over there and give the Fatal Combat class a taste of their own medicine, but the rest disagree, as they should. So what do they decide? Why, practice elsewhere for the tournament that's less than a month away. And where, you ask?
On the beach.
So we are treated to a small Training Montage until Stan and Barry show up. They decide to go back into kickboxing. Um, where did this sudden change of heart happen? It was just out of the blue! June isn't buying it, since she normally doesn't take back quitters. The two boys try to apologize...
...and we don't get an answer, as we cut right to a pool area. As in, playing pool. Proto!Andros is playing, obviously, and he and Cindy talk a bit more. At this rate, I'm just not going to bother recapping the last few bits of it. So next time, expect a recap in the form of slash fic once again.
And speaking of next time, that's finally the end of Part 3. Will the class train well? Will Stan and Barry be allowed into the class again? Will Jason defend himself against the bully? And will we ever scrub off the memory of that infamous kiss?
All of those questions and more will be answered on the next livebloggening of Kickboxing Academy!
