Good day everyone, and welcome to the first ever Idler 20 Liveblog. Now, I'm sure many of you have read the fine, fine Liveblog Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami, in which Slowzombie battles through the legendary fanfic Light And Dark The Adventures Of Dark Yagami. Well, the author of that absolutely hilarious story, the unpronouncably named D'ark Y'agami, has also written a Harry Potter fanfic. It's nowhere near the epic that Light and Dark is, being only two chapters long, but I think it's still worth a look.
A couple of points:
I'll be using the same basic structure as Slowzombie does, with parts of the fic in bold and my own thoughts in normal writing.
I have actually read this fic before, so my reactions won't be fresh, but as this is basically a sporking, it probably doesn't matter.
I've read all seven Harry Potter books, but not recently.
There will be some spoilers for the Harry Potter series.
So, without further ado:
RATE AND REVIEW PLEASE! I WANT SOME REVIEWS! PLEASE BE NICE BUT IF YOUR NOT THEN PLEASE REVIEW STILL! Well, I suppose you have to give him some credit for not going all Don't Like, Don't Read and forbidding negative comments about his story. In fact, he's actually pretty good-humoured about his critics, judging by his Twitter.
Who Is Voldemorts Dad? The Tales of Vernon Dursly and Some Magic! I've got to ask... why is the identity of Voldemort's father even an issue? I'm pretty sure that's been answered in canon, not that I can actually remember his name. Also, glad we've established that there will be some magic in a Harry Potter fanfic, I wouldn't have guessed otherwise.
AN: I was having some troubles with writng my Deathnote fanfics so I wrot this instead. The very thought that there are moments in this guy's writing of Light And Dark that he thinks "man, what I'm writing just isn't good enough, I'd better spend my creative juices on something else" is, given the quality of the stuff that he does deem acceptable to include in Light and Dark, terrifying beyond belief. It is really good I hope if not why are you reading it lol! I'm...not sure how he expects us to judge the quality of the work without reading it, but then again, given the spelling, grammar, and the fact that it's authored by D'ark Y'agami, we probably could make that judgement without reading it.
It was seven o clock only not really but uncle Verons watch was all broken. He looked at it and sed "f-cking watch it is broken again!" I'm...not really sure what to say to this, other than that it's pretty much pointless, but still better than "he knew immediately that it was not American because the wheel was on the wrong side".
He steped out of the car and found himself. In the middle of a car park. I'm glad to see that Uncle Vernon has apparently achieved enlightenment. Maybe this'll make him less of a jerk. I must say though, I wouldn't have thought a car park to be the most spiritual place, but whatever works.
Anyway, a mysterious voice from the buses around the park tells Vernon that he (the voice) is glad that Vernon met with him after receiving the voice's anonymous letters, and Vernon says that it was no problem. The man jumps out of the bush and Vernon exclaims "YOUR VOLDEMONT!" Really, D'ark? We're going with the My Immortal "absolutely cannot spell Voldemort's name correctly" thing are we? When the wizarding community dubbed Voldemort "He Who Must Not Be Named", I don't think constant misspellings are what they had in mind. Anyway, Voldemort announces that he's Vernon's son. Vernon shouts "How can this be!", which is a darn good question in my opinion, given that that would require Vernon to be a time traveler, or Voldemort to be a time traveler, or both. And also that it would require a complete violation of canon in other respects as well. And anyway, if the title of your fic is going to be a question, it's probably prudent from a writing standpoint not to reveal the answer to that question in the very first chapter. Vernon then goes on to exclaim that his only two kids are Dudley and Harry. Um, what? Vernon is not Harry's father. He's his uncle. Hence "Uncle Vernon". That's not just an arbitrary nickname, you know.
The next bit really has to be read to believed: Then voldemort grabbed his long wand which was under his cloak in his pants. It was made of wood from the whomping willow tree which made it supper powerful. He pulled his wand and pointed it at vernon and a long shooty of white magic strings flew out of the end and landed on some stuff. Wow, that was really, really sexual sounding. I mean, it's not like Rowling herself hasn't written the odd Accidental Innuendo (ejaculated Ron), but come on, it's like he wrote this bit after he'd just finished writing one of his beloved "lesbeaning" scenes from Light and Dark or something. "I can do magic and so can Harry. Did you think it was a reason?"..what? I don't think I should need to explain that this is Insane Troll Logic.
"I did not think of that" Vernon confetti wiping off the sticky magics that were on everything. Ewwwwwww. Also, I can't help but feel that Voldemort has kind of degraded himself here, considering that the magic he just performed seemed more like a parlour trick that actual sorcery. Maybe next chapter he'll lock himself in a glass box underwater while getting frozen alive and being attacked by a white tiger. "But you are the most powaful wizard of them all. Like even more powered than dumbeledore and that dude with the turban thing put together!" Oh, come on. I know Voldemort's callous about the bad stuff that happens to his followers, but I'm sure he'd at least remember Quirrell's name. Vernon looked in his feelings and found they were all true even the ones that just a few short days ago would have seemed crazy to a tall handsome mustachiated man like himself....handsome? Seriously? I can't believe that D'ark is trying to turn freaking Uncle Vernon into a Mary Sue. I can understand doing that to any of the magical characters. Even Neville, considering that he's a Memetic Badass and all. But Vernon? Well, he's got to get points for creativity, I suppose.
Vernon pulls out his wand, because yeah, he has one for some reason, and yells "die you pies of sh-t!". It's appeared in two of his works now. Can we officially consider that an Author Catchphrase? I'm just waiting for Vernon to use stealth by jumping in the window screaming now. Vernon casts "Avrakadavra" and kills Voldemort, who explodes into a pile of ash screeching "Ill get you yet Uncle Vernon!", as though he were the Claw. Also, why is Voldemort, who is apparently somehow Vernon's son, referring to him as Uncle Vernon? Plus, Avada Kedavra just kills you; it doesn't make you disintegrate like the sense of logical plot progression in this fic did after the first few lines.
I'll let the next quote speak for itself: Vernon looked down in shock at his wand and the magic dripping from the end told a million stories like nothing ever could. He jumped over another car into his own car and slammed on the brakes and screamed out of the carpark laughing leik a manic.
We now cut to Hogwarts, where Dumbledore is sitting at his magic typewriter, which says stuff that's so difficult to understand that no muggle, even Einstine or Obama or the dude with the wheelcahir, can understand it. He looks at his magicometer, then yells "THERE IS A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE!" and jumps to his feet like he wasn't a beardy guy from the middle ages or whatever. Interesting that Star Wars has somehow found its way into this fic; I would've thought that any pseudo-crossovers would've involved Vernon finding a "Magic Note" or something. He gets in the car that he apparently has and shoots by some magic cops with a magic radar gun who fail to detect his speeding because he's so good at magic. He also zooms past the Knight Bus, and the tall dude with the spots (I believe his name is Stanley Turnpike, right?) swears at him and honks his horn, but Dumbledore thinks that Turnpike is horny because Dumbledore has a "honk if you're horny" sticker. Yes, you read that right. Albus bloody Dumbledore, esteemed headmaster of Hogwarts and brilliant wizard, has a "Honk If You're Horny" sticker on his car. I wouldn't have thought it would be possible for Dumbledore to do anything more out of character than wear an Avril Lavigne robe, but not only has D'ark made it happen, he's done so within the first frigging chapter!
Anyway, Dumbledore gets to Vernon and for some reason tries to kill him by using his wand to conjoin up a double barrel bazooka machine pistol which was the most powerful gun ever except a nuclear bomb which he couldn't make because he didn't have any nuclears with him. Ah, nuclears. Good to have them back. Or rather, not have them. However, Vernon casts a spell to make the gun backfire, which works and kills Dumbledore, who delivers a Big "NO!" as he dies. Bits of beard splatter all over Dumbledore's car which became vernons now because he had left the keys behind and Vernon could steel them and use them to go driving wherever he wanted. Even the sea. Because it was magic. Um...I guess in the world of magic cars, You Kill It, You Bought It. Vernon now decides to become the new headmaster of Hogwarts. Why? Absolutely no idea.
4 days and like 15 hours or something later, (yes, even the descriptions of time are not immune to Buffy Speak) we move to Hogwarts where there is a big dance and Snape announces Vernon as the new headteacher by shouting into a megaphone. Wow, that's not quite as bad as Dumbledore having a honk if you're horny sticker (I still cannot believe that I actually typed those words), but it still seems out of character for Snape. Then...this happens: Vernon jumped on stage and grabbed the microphone and also a guitar and his wand. He started moshing out to chasing cars (because he had been chasing cars early lol!) and soon everyone was joining in and it was really good and some peeps even started moshing on the stage and security had to come in and pull them off.,. Firstly, when was Vernon chasing cars exactly? Secondly, when did Hogwarts have security? I mean, not that that's a bad idea given the extreme danger that seems to occur there on a regular basis, but it's not canon. And last but not least, WHAT THE BLAZES JUST HAPPENED!? Oh, but that's not all: Harry was delited that his dad had finally excepted him for what he was ~ a magical dude ~ and moshed harder than anyone even though his glasss fell off and smashed and someone jumped on them and then a bird came and stole them way. Again, since when was Vernon Harry's father? Harry's father died! When Harry was a child! Along with Harry's mother! They were murdered by Voldemort! That's the whole reason that Harry is in the situation that he is in! How can you know enough about Harry Potter to know that the Knight Bus driver has an acne problem but not enough to know that HARRY'S FATHER IS DEAD!? KENNETH, WHAT IS THE FREQUENCY!?
Um, moving on, this happens: Ginny walked over and started snogging (AN: Its British for macking or frenching!) him real hard like shed never snogged before which she hadn't because she was a vergin or at least almost one because this one time she touched ron but they were cousins so it dddnt really count. Oh good grief, these last few lines have had such a ridiculous amount of fail in them. For one thing, I'm pretty sure that you can snog someone without having had sex first. And secondly, Ron and Ginny are SIBLINGS! NOT COUSINS! I can't believe the extent to which he is completely butchering family relationships in this fic; it's like he was holding a series genealogy chart upside-down or something! And then we get this spectacular line: Later they went up the make out point and did some sex in vernons old car. Wow. Just wow. Although admittedly, I suppose I should be thankful that D'ark has actually stuck to a canon romance; given his love of "lesbeaning", I should probably just be glad that he didn't have Ginny paired up with Luna Lovegood, especially since her surname is a blatant innuendo...although Luna is completely awesome, so thinking about it, that might not be such a good thing after all.
A Time Skip of ten years occurs, and then we get an author's note: (AN: THIS HAPPENS INSTEAD OF THAT STUPID BIT AT THE END OF DEADLY HALOS). Way to completely screw up the name of one of the books there D'ark. Also, while I know that the end of Deathly Hallows was insanely controversial, I bet you'd be hard-pressed to find a fan who prefers this nonsense. Vernon was angry at harry for getting ginny all teen pregnant and stuff but then he looked at the cute baby in his hand and hes heart melted and came out his mouth in the form of a smile and also drool. Hang on, ten years later? And yet their child is still a baby? How the fuck does that work? I suppose maybe A Wizard Did It, but I find it hard to believe that someone developed a pregnancy-lengthening spell. That seems like the exact opposite of what a pregnant woman would want. Vernon makes an announcement about how this is a happy day for the Potter, Dudley and Wesley families, and sings Chasing Cars again, because it was that song that had made the baby. Everyone is happy except Ron who was a bit jelous but also happy. What was he jealous of exactly? That Harry had sex with his
cousin sister? That his sister had sex with Harry? That they had a baby? Also, I think Vernon is misquoting the lyrics of the song: "If I ley here! Would you lie with mea nd just forget the wolrd" he sang.
However, all is not as well as you think. Of course things aren't well, it's a D'ark Y'agami fic. Outside the gig; "We're back and joined forces and stronger than ever " said voldemort and Dumbledore at the same time. Firstly, choral speaking is not exactly intimidating. Secondly, VOLDEMORT AND DUMBLEDORE JOINED FORCES!? WHY!? Is Vernon really that much of an amazing wizard that Voldemort and Dumbledore are willing to set aside their differences to get shot of him!? That's like...I can't even think of two people who are opposed enough that their joining forces would even be comparable to this! Also, why the heck is Dumbledore a villain anyway!? Plus, I can't help but wonder why Voldemort is at a gig, yet not performing with his band, Vlodemort and da Death Deelers. Wait, no, I had my fanfiction confused there. Now that I don't have it confused, this plot twist makes complete and total sense and I'm surprised Rowling didn't think of it herself. Yes.
And the chapter ends on this note:
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!
PROBABLY NOTHING COS THIS IS A ONEOFF LOL!
Oh, come now, D'ark. It's no use feeding me those sweet, sweet lies. You and I both know that there's a second chapter. Well, I'll get there when I get there, and we can put this fic to bed.
On the bright side, he actually does spell Voldemort correctly most of the time, and the word "sexing" was never used in this chapter. That's something.