Not feeling too great today, but hey, it's nothing I can't make worse by a fresh chapter of the Dark Yagami trainwreck, so I guess that's something... wait, it's not, but let's go, shall we? This chapter is called "MO DEATH MO PORBLEMS!" (sic, as usual). Well, that's a rap reference, but I can't pinpoint to who specifically. No author's notes this time either, not quite sure what to make of that, but let's get going, then.
Up on planet Blud Blud was SUITING UP for THE BATTLE! Wait, why are the shinigami going to fight now, all of a sudden? Even more pointedly, why would someone whose explicitly stated power is to kill anyone instantly need weapons of any kind, as Blud picked up a machine gun and stuck it to his back with blood!. Oh well, I'm sure this gets explained somewhere along the way. Anyway, Ryuk oggles Fred while asking what in the blazes Blud is up to, and, in keeping with his Butt-Monkey status, he gets shot.
ruyk cryed like a little baby girl who just lost her dolly and it was made of candy and a coyot stole it. He was bleeding everywhere but noone could tell cos this was PLANET BLUD and there was blood everywhere. Eventually he ran out of blood and died. Now, if I may... THIS IS NOT HOW SHINIGAMI WORK, DAMNIT. I mean, there's all of one way to kill a Shinigami, which is to say blood banana poisoning car crashes Dark Yagami... NOT GODDAMN SHOOTING THEM. I know, I know, being bothered by things like canon is pretty much futile in this fic, but goddamn, it keeps happening.
Meanwhile DOWN ON EARTH IN THE BURNED RADIACTIV WASTELAND FULL OF ZOMBIES THAT WAS ONCE AMERICA Zombies, huh? Well, that would've been nice to mention. Also, the story keeps flickering between post-apocalyptic and... well, not. Hal and Mello and L looked at the destation all around them full of fire and dead people. So many of there friends and there enemies had lost there lifes on this dark and deadly day and they would never forget there sacrifices and also samanther was there but she wasn't dead she was just on the bench. Well, that's... ok, he's trying to evoke emotion, I'll give him as much. BUT NOW IT WAS TIME TO AVENGE THEM ALL AND MAKE L THE KING OF THE BURNT PIECE OF BURNING THAT WAS WHAT WAS LEFT OF THE WORLD Uh, dude, it's a little too late to give your villain (?) an actual plan now. I mean, wasn't the "plan" killing the Yagamis just a chapter or two ago. Still, it's a villain (?) with a plan, I'm not complaining.
What I will, however, complain a little about is the three grabbing their weapons and running around like idiots. Kinda ruining the villain (?) vibe there, guys. On the other side of the room Lights mom was busy at the oven cooking SOMETHING WE WILL FIND OUT LATER. Everyone else was dead scared cos the evil dudes were coming and they had guns and candies and other scary things except dark cos he wasn't scared of anything except being eaten by a lion and all the lions had been killed by the nuclears. The author has a thing about lions, it would seem, also, I am mightily amused by how the Yagamis are scared of the "evil dudes" considering how Light is pretty much the poster boy for Lawful Evil and Dark is... well, I'm not sure what he is, but good, he ain't. But here I go, dragging character alignments into a mess like this when such discussions, even in series that are known to be basically linear and sense-making, tend to gum up the works like nobody's business. Oh well.
Meanwhile, Light, being the downgraded wuss that he is, seeks solace from the general brouhaha with Misa, who, being married to his sister at the moment, rejects him in an overly recap-y way. Light takes it well. "F-CKK!" light screamed. "THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE NOW!" and he died of sadness because his tears drowned him. The Villain Protagonist of Death Note, ladies and gentlemen, just killed himself in a way that should not be possible sans a shrinking machine and character derailment of the most spectacular sort. Dark, however, has a plan. He picked her (Night) up and got a pen and wrote "TURNS INTO A BOM" on her skin AND HER SKIN WAS A DEATH NOTE REMEMBER? So she turned into a bomb. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Yay. Besides, Death Notes doesn't work that way. I know I've speculated that Night's skin is Everything Note paper rather than Death Note paper, but considering it's specifically named death note paper... yeah, sublime, isn't it?
Dark throws the Night!Bomb, and Mello throws himself on the thing, saving Team L at the expense of being splattered all over the place. Now it was just Hal and L left and they had to fight Misa AND Sayu AND Lights mom AND dark and they were the five strongest peeps on the planet! Well, Light's Mom is gonna be a tough one, but apart from that? Not so much. We have Misa, who sans uncharacteristic guile, pretty much has nothing to bear in a fight when not counting lethal sexing, Sayu who... uh, has an everything note, now? I'vel ost track, and Dark, the Kwisatz Haderach and asskicker supreme. Ok, I withdraw my earlier pessimism, Team L is toast.
Meanwhile, on Planet Blud, Fred is trying, and failing to seduce Blud by wearing a nurse's outfit, whereas Blud is more concerned by omnicide and blood bananas *. Also, he injects Fred with blood banana... uh... blood, so that she suffers an acute case of Blood banana blood... uh... blood poisoning and dies, delivering this touching dying speech. "Blud…. You were the shinigami I knew best at sexing….. but you were not the person best at sexing. That person is Dark yagami and I got from him what I never got from you and your creepy body made of creepy blood. Goodbye you SUCKER!" Touching, isn't it? Well, this is a bit like Lua and Ladd, but written by a complete moron and actually not all that like those two at all so... that kinda got away from me. Regardless, no more Fred? Well, I can't say I'm too sad about this, and the excessive amounts of death makes me think that we're getting close to some sort of endgame, so that's something. Also, Blud swears to kill everybody except Dark, and then kill him slowly well lookit that, it ''is'' like Ladd and Lua, whaddya know.
Back on earth, the Yagamis are hiding behind a counter, lest they be perforated by Hal and his Spray 'n Pray type tactics. Sayu notes that they can camp it out here, buuuut wait *. " There was an evil look in misa's eye now. "You see my dear sweet idiot sayu! My one true love is not you after all. IT is….. L!" No foreshadowing, no sense, directly opposing established canon * yep, this is Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami alright. Anyway, Misa, quite literally, snogs Sayu to death, leaving Dark alone against Hal and L.
Uncharacteristically, it looks grim for Dark, until... Where once there had been an angry bald man waving the robotic arms of his twice dead lesbian wife as weapons yelling cusses there was now a bunny! Yup, that's right. Light's mom comes storming in, wielding a laser gun made out of brownies that turns people into bunnies. Yes. "You killed my son and my daughter and you had sex with her in lights bed and you came in my house all naked and you DIDN'T WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE DINNER" she pulled the trigger and a laser came out except it was actually a bunny laser which is called a baser and Misa also turned into a bunny! ... wow. I.. just have no words. There's... just... bunny laser brownie gun... I... yeah... yeah. Before this Bunnyfication can continue, though, L eats said gun, being no worse for the wear... is he Matter Eating Lad * now? I imagine not the entire gun being made out of brownies, but... well, apparently it is. Disarmed, Light's Mom retreats, leaving L and Dark to have their Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. NEXT TIME! THE FINAL FIGHTS THAT WILL DECIDE THIS STORY ONES AND FOR ALL! THE END IS SOON! Huh, well... that's nice. Oh, and just to wrap up the Light's Mom thread, she navigates the zombie-infested outside safely, but gets struck by lightning and dies, probably courtesy of Blud. EVERYONE ON THE PLANET IS NOW DEAD… guffled Blud painting naughty words on the walls cos the cops were dead and couldn't stop him NOW I MUST GO TO THE YAGAMI HOUSE… FOR THE FINAL FIGHTS THAT WILL DECIDE THIS STORY ONES AND FOR ALL!
So... yes. Are we closing in on the final grand finale of this thing? Can I finally say "I finished Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami and all I got was this itchy straightjacket"? Or will this be yet another tease? I guess only time will tell.
Comments
of "Who Is Voldemort's Dad?"
...and why is Light upset that Misa won't have sex with him? Isn't he gay in this? I suppose he could just be a really camp bisexual, but I doubt D'ark thought it through to that extent.
