I'd like to describe to you an expression, to be more precise, the face I had when I discovered yet another chapter of this thing. You know Kermit the Frog? Now imagine that there's been a slight mixup with the catering requests, and the Swedish Chef is now chasing Miss Piggy around the set with a meat cleaver while Crazy Harry does his thing and Fozzie Bear tells surprisingly racy jokes on stage, and then Scooter comes up with an uncharacteristically insane suggestion that Kermit, lest Scooter's uncle evict the whole crew, has to play along with. Kermit's face at that moment, that green :/, was more or less like my face when I, late last night checked in on my nemesis and found another chapter, "THE BATTLE ROYAL KICKS OF!" ready for snarking. Well, about the title, I know it's a wrestling expression and all, but to me, Battle Royale will always lead the thoughts over to a work where violence is used to show how utterly fucked up beyond comprehension the society that allows it has become, but hey, it's technically correct, if I could just stop comparing this to better works, I'd save myself a load of pain. No author's notes this time, which I guess isn't that bad, but it means I can't postpone actually getting to the fic, And That's Terrible.
We open with Twilight Yagami... oh goodie, he survived. I don't know what I'd do if Twilight died. Twilight was biting his time in the attic. With his psikick powers he could see the evil dudes coming on the stairs and about to punch the door open. They punched it AND IT WAS GO TIME Wait... "biting his time"? That's... almost a clever pun. Sure, it's kinda lame, but I can definitely see the charm. Sure, the fic lost most of the points it might have gotten by giving Twilight "psikick" powers right out of the blue, neither Dark nor Blud, his two "parents," in an incredibly not gay way, natch, had anything resembling this. Maybe "psikick" powers is a recessive gene, but, as Liquid Snake told us, Recessive genes are inferior, so that can clearly not be the case. But I'm getting off topic... again. Twilight pounces Hal, and a fight ensues, Twilight gaining the upper hand, mostly due to him draining the opponent's blood, as a vampire is want to do. Cool Dude, or C, pulls out his Axe and joins the fray... possibly the same fray, but it's not really clear. Oh, and the axe is a guitar, except it's also a real axe. Predictable joke is predictable, but at least there wasn't a (GET IT!) here, so I'm not complaining too much.
Dark holds a quote-unquote rousing speech, "LETS GO TEAM! WE HAVE TO FIGHT FOR VICTORY!" Yeah, stunning isn't it? Also, he gets shirtless.... yaaaaay. Fight time! Night started to slap samanther around cos they were girls and it is the law that when a bunch of movie dudes fight the girls have to fight each other alone i ncase they decide to start sexing. Night and samanther dint start sexing but only cos samanther wasn't a lesbean and also for another reason which is a secret for now! Night had her death note skin but samanther had a death note of her own so they were equal and a shinigami called magnetario who was a talking horse with the power of magnets on his shoes! (THANKS JENNIE SHORTELL ON TWITTER FOR THE NAME!") So, that's a little discussion on the concept of Designated Girl Fight, that's nice and all, had it stopped there (and I mean STOPPED) I wouldn't complain, but... why does S have a death note? And what does this magnetic shinigami horse have to do with anything? He's... related to the conflict at hand, but I can't tell, is he the shinigami that gave S her Death Note? Fucking Magnets, how do they work?
Fans of sapphic intercourse does not need to worry, though, since: There were some lesbeans though cos Misa and Sayu were there so they got naked and ran at cybertakada who was already naked cos she was ready for battle. Uh, that's... a really shit idea, guys, had this been a Japanese production, this would be so much on the fast-track to rapeland it wouldn't even be funny, buuuut since this is a D'arkYagam'i * story... well. "THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO DECIDE WHO WILL WIN" cybertakada robotted. "I AM TOO STRONG AND HAVE ROBOT GUN ARMS SO IF WE FOUGHT I WOULD WIN WHICH WOULD NOT BE FAIR. INSTEAD…. We will take it in turns to sex with Misa! Whoever is the best at sexing… WINS."
...
Ok, seriously, I've seen some weak excuses for lesbian sex in this fic... but honestly. Takada, THINK for a second, yes, you'd pulp them in a fair fight, but you're in war with these people, you were led here exactly for the reason to pulp them in a fair fight, fuck, if you don't want to fucking fight them, then fight someone your own weight class. Dark, for example, you could slap Dark around a little, although this would probably make you worse than Lizardman Hitler, but you could. I mean... come on. I don't care what Otacon thinks, love might bloom on the battlefield, but sex? That... SHIT ... WILL... NOT ... FLY. I like lesbians as much as the next guy, but honestly, at some level, you have to decide if you're writing lesbian smut that doesn't make sense or wish fulfillment fanfiction that doesn't make any sense. Incidentally "pulp" now sounds like a dirty word to me, but that could be because I'm Norwegian. Well, that's a lot of rant for two and a half lines of text, let's move on.
Soichiro bulks up and pulls the Police Gun... oh my, that thing again. This is no ordinary police car-launching police gun, though, no, It was a special police gun cos hes the chef and it dint shoot police cars but tanks and battleships and police trains. He had a mustache so he had to fight with watari who got out a cup of tea. "I SAY OLD CHAPPIE WOULD YOU LICK SOME BLOODY CRUMPETS?" Heh, I must admit "Would you like some bloody crumpets" is pretty decent as far as pre battle oneliners go, in a so bad it's good sort of way. Soichiro isn't impressed, though, and shoots a tank at Watari, who apparently is tough enough to punch the whole thing away. That's... pretty impressive, again in an incredibly silly "I should MST 3 K this proper"-kind of way *
Meanwhile, Cybertakada and Misa is going at it, it's poorly described and I get the uncomfortable sensation it was written with one hand, but that's about it, moving on. Dark looked at L who was once his best friend until he had so hartlessly betrayed him in watari's house by shooting his best friend mello and his gramps. Wait... Dark and L were friends? I know this isn't at all impossible, but this is the kind of thing you usually need TO EXPLAIN. EXPLAIN THINGS AUTHOR, or better yet, show them, make it clear, or at least realistic. I mean... yeah, this could've been a reveal IF it had been at all dramatic, in stead of the final death cramps of a poor attempt to milk out some drama and *gasp* actual character of this thing, AND/OR made sense. Anyway, Dark thinks he and L should join forces and rule the world... wait, this guy's supposed to be the hero? I kind of lose track occasionally, but honestly, this guy gets closer and closer to joining the Snidely Whiplash Club of obvious villany as we speak. L takes it... out of character. "That is true except it cannot be." L started crying and blew his nose on a christmas cake and ate it. "For then who would track down kira?" I know it's pointless to keep saying this at this point, but L is acting so out of character here it's not even funny. You could claim Not So Stoic if there had been any reason for it. Here it's just.... what?
MEANWHILE: Near was hungry so Lights mom MADE SOME TOAST FOR THE DOOSHBAG (I LOVE THAT SONG) but it was poisoned toast and near died all over the car. Oh, Near, you ninny, will you ever learn?
So yes, if there was any doubt, Near's constant, yet totally inconsequential deaths, is now become an especially psychotic Running Gag, except it's not really funny. Also, 'nother Kayne reference in there, that makes three *.
Back on "Planet Blud," the physics-defying base of the Big Bad (maybe?) of this tale of woe, Blud is quite excited, loudly exclaiming his awe over the sheer epicness of the fight while partly-chewed blood bananas * all over the place. "it will turn out that samanther is not dark's wife" whispered ruyk. Wait... did the shinigami see the preview? Or did Blud just... come up with a refutation for a WMG that doesn't exist yet? I'll have to guess for the former, since that comes closer to making sense. I THINK YOU ARE WRONG AND WE WILL HAVE A BET. Blud got a bar of gold the size of the empire state building out of his pants. IF YOU ARE RIGHT I WILL GIVE YOU MY FORTUNE BUT IF YOU ARE WRONG YOU WILL TURN INTO A CHICK AND SEX WITH TIOSEAFJ WHILE I WATCH. ... Why do I get the feeling this was all to turn Ryuk into a female? Knowing the author another "hot" shinigami? Oh well.
Back on ON THE PLANET WE CALL EARTH! parenthetically, if it turns out the Earth is really named something in Shinigameese with lots of apostrophes, I'm going to head-butt something. Probably my keyboard, but hey, things will get head-butted. Hal and Twilight are still at it, and the blood draining is getting to Hal, so he gets up and makes a Blood Banana Smoothie *, yeah, because that's how grapples with supernaturally strong entities work. Twilight is drawn like a moth to a flame to the smoothie and drinks it, realizing too late blood bananas are poisonous to all but Shinigami royalty... somehow, and dies.
◊ Well, that takes care of him, I guess. For all the buildup and all the fail in his very core concept, I'm a little disappointed Twilight went as early and stupidly as he did, but hey, he's gone now, let's just settle with that. ONE DUDE ON EACH SIDE IS NOW DEAD! WHO WILL BE NEXT? Wait... who died on Team L? Oh, yeah, Near. Yeah, that definitely tipped the scales.
Anyway, Cybertakada is apparently giving Misa the best "sexing" in the history of humanity. If I may indulge my geeky side for a moment. Since the invention of sexing, there have been five sexings considered the most awesome and the most... uh... awesome. This one left them all behind although one could be forgiven for wondering just how one objectively quantified something as subjective as sexing, and to which degree one can claim having successfully having measured ''every'' sexing ever, or at least enough to make a general statement vis-a-vis the best one Sayu, on the other hand, is plotting, doubtlessly trying to find a way to outdo this (literal) sex machine in the department of intercourse. Meanwhile, S and Night have given up the slap fight, and is now having a science quiz, with questions that the author thinks are difficult. WHAT IS THE ATOM and WHERE IS THE SUN and WHY DO BIRDS EXIST. Well, I guess you could write A LOT on all of these topics if you're so inclined, but in their most laconic form, they're not really all that hard. Oh, and Magnetario wanted to help but he was just a magnet horse and that's basically useless for a science quiz and he got stuck to the fridge. I mean... obviously, right? Also, I can't help but feel the author's coyly skirting around the topic of ICP references, leaving me with meme blue balls, or maybe I'm just reading too much into things. Wouldn't be the first time.
Watari and Soichiro is still fighting, Watari apparently is a beast in hand-to-hand combat, but Soichiro has a huge "police knife," so... well, just read it. every time watari punched soichiro he punched his hand off but soichiro cut his hand off back and pretty soon they ran out of hands. I can scarcely believe it, but that was actually funny. Sure, it's funny in that slightly disturbing Kill Bill sort of way, but it's phrased humorously, and without annoying fourth wall-breaking urging to "get it" as it were. Honestly, the author must've been replaced by someone equally Giftedly Bad but at least funny, this is... actually an improvement. I'm ok with this. I must say writing the above is... weird, but that's how it is. Let's move on, I'm sure the author has a stinker or two left in him for this chapter.
... Ah yes, there is. Dark (well Gray) and L have a staredown, one assumes after a really cool sword fight we didn't get to see, and the intensity of said battle of dominance causes the room to catch fire. Yeah, told ya. Anyway, the gas lines go boom, and people find themselves caught under rubble. So yes, like in the preview, S finds herself pinned under rubble, and Dark saves her, and... THAT WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG because SAMANTHER WAS HIS WIFE! *sigh* author, I thought we'd been through this, you can't just say someone planned something perfectly without at least setting it up a little. This counts doubly because this plan wouldn't even come close to work hadn't it been for several factors either too random or plain unpredictable to factor in a plan without being fucking Korrok. It's especially grating because canon Death Note was really good with this. Sure, Light's plans might be cryptic, but at least you could see he was working on something, and it was immensely satisfying (or terrifying) once the plan came into fruition and you saw the full extent of the thing. Oh well, let's just continue, we're almost through.
Back on Planet Blud, Ryuk finds himself turned into a female shinigami.... yay. Ryuk's content, though, as he's able to have sex with Fred now. Yeah, I've ranted enough on shinigami having sex but still. It's mitigated slightly, if not much, by the fact that Ryuk now is happy for the first time in his life. Well, that's nice, and yet depressing and non-canon all in one, so I guess I feel a little conflicted. Takes us home, Author! ITS ALL BILLDING FOR THE FINAL FIGHT THAT WILL DECIDE THE WINNER OF ALL TIME! I KNOW I AM THE BEST! I AM ON TWITTER REALDARKYAGAMI SO VOTE FOR ME! Dude, you made a couple of good jokes and you're no longer just horrible, don't let it go to your head. Also, voting, what? I admit I'm no twitter expert, but I wasn't aware there was voting involved. Oh well, that's it for this chapter, though, see y'all later.
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