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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

206.248.32.246 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 18th 2012 at 7:14:39 PM
Am I the only one wondering if Creamy lost another kid or something? She treats that doll like a baby.

Also, Tyra's mind is a scary, scary place to dwell.
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 18th 2012 at 9:47:45 PM
I thoroughly enjoyed that last chapter! If Tyra just cut out all that "Modelland" crap and had this story be about the Pilgrims it would be straight-up decent. They even have a cooler group name then Tookie and pals. Feel free to disagree with me on this but "The Pilgrims" sounds a lot more epic than "The Unicas".

The one thing that bugs me here is why Lynne still has a problem with Hunchy. I know he's a cannibal lizard man but they've been traveling with him for at least a few months and he has been nothing but helpful. He hasn't attacked anyone in the group, he helped fight off the tumble terrors and the text during that fight implied that he was the only one of them with prior experience handling a weapon. Even his reintroduction scene has him doing something beneficial for the group. That fresh blood on his mouth means that he just got done killing something that was probably going to attack them anyway. I know Tyra's trying to write him as the Token Evil Teammate but he comes across as the Big Guy. I re-read the previous sporkings chapters and he hasn't done anything to directly threaten the other Pilgrims. Sorry for the wall of text but fantastic racism really grinds my gears, especially when it crops up in really inappropriate situations like this.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 19th 2012 at 10:31:47 AM
mellifluous, it means:1.Flowing like honey,or 2.Sweet and smooth; generally used of a person's voice, tone or writing style. Thank you Tyra for teaching me a word I'm most like never going to use again.

And Lady Momus, I agree with you, I want to see a horror movie with that instrument skeletal monster. Let call it Skelorchestrap!

Also, I agree, The pilgrims are way more interesting. Lets face it, they are facing life and limb just to reach their goals no matter how delusional it is. I think Creamy is the only interesting, three dimensional character so far is because she seems to have been through this before and is (possibly unintentional) turning into a badass.

One last thing, I have a new WMG: Hunchy is on an honor mission to defeat/kill Piper because her father and someone Hunchy knows got into a fight and both killed each other.Also Hunchy's folk have a deep sense of honor as a staple of their society. It would make sense for both characters.
147.253.100.132 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 19th 2012 at 11:41:59 AM
I finished this book not too long ago. I'm with you 100% with the Pilgrims: they're the best thing about the book and the quality of writing in their chapters makes me wonder why Tyra's editor didn't sit her down and say, "Listen, I know you love this story about this... 'unattractive' girl, but you're really onto something with these Pilgrims, and you're not confusing your intended message too much with them. Try focusing an entire story on them instead."

That would have been the coolest thing ever. Tyra is surprisingly good at creature creation.

Also, I want to tell you to be careful what you wish for in terms of Creamy's backstory. It's coming. Dear lord, it's coming....
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 19th 2012 at 12:32:27 PM
Holy cow, that monster is actually badass! It's like these chapters snuck in from some other book, about this freakish world of perverted whimsy where sympathetic people succumb to their delusions and throw their lives away. And yet, for all their madness, we too know the sting of a dream deferred and cannot help but admire them in a twisted way...

RemusDDuck Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 19th 2012 at 2:42:04 PM
One word, and one word only for that last chapter: ._.
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 19th 2012 at 7:07:41 PM
The reason the editor never steps in is because Tyra's editor is Tyra. It's really sad too because somewhere deep down in Tyra is a legitimately decent writer. Modelland reads like a person's first fanfic because that's probably what it is. It's a story written by a person with a good imagination but no actual grasp on how writing works. If she had someone to reign her in this book might have been a pleasant surprise instead of what it is now.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 20th 2012 at 11:27:20 AM
^ to respond to the guy who is warning us of the backstory: I skipped ahead and read that part months ago. And I'm backing you up on this. Be warned, her motives are ridiculous. My god Tyra, you should've learned how to write good characters. I'm warning you all right now, the ending is stupid beyond reason. It may be a wallbanger.

also Dr Dahm, I agree with you. She could've used someone that could guide her on how to write.
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