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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

psycher7 Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 25th 2012 at 11:38:02 AM
So actresses are no-talent whores, and doctors base their treatment plans on guesswork and deciphering people's names? Anyone else get the feeling that Tyra is just attacking all the careers she wanted to have as a kid but didn't get?
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 25th 2012 at 1:36:26 PM
I hate to bring up a point in this book's favor, but black-eyed peas are, in fact, a thing which are actually peas and not just a band. To Wikipedia!

...But the Frosty thing still stands.
Gante Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 25th 2012 at 8:47:48 PM
This is the most uniquely repellant fantasy world I've ever encountered. I'd rather explore Mordor or R'lyeh than Modelland. And to think that this abusive, stridantly ugly place is the Mount Olympus that everybody in Tookie's world aspires to!
142.151.161.58 Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 25th 2012 at 11:32:41 PM
You know what? I want someone to write a fanfiction that re-tells this whole book, only they make it good. Like really, really, "oh god I can't put this down" good. That would be the funniest and most amazing thing.
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 26th 2012 at 8:32:25 AM
^ So the Modelland version of Luminosity? I would read it.
RosesSpindle Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 26th 2012 at 9:52:51 AM
Y'know, whenever I see Tookie's name, I keep thinking "toucan," or this monkey chatter ("awk awk ook ook tookie tookie") that I read somewhere a long time ago.

The girls aren't allowed to leave the school on pain of some vaguely hinted but almost certainly horrible death? Um, isn't that considered wrongful imprisonment? (Cue the "What girl in her right mind would willingly WANT to leave?" B.S.)

Ugh, the more I read this Liveblog, the more I want to reach through the fourth wall and strangle these characters. Major, major kudos to you for subjecting yourself to this travesty of literature and staying sane enough to tell the tale.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 27th 2012 at 2:09:08 PM
Mordor and R'lyeh. MORDOR AND R'LYEH. You know your location is a horrible when locations like Mordor get compared as being better.

And yeah the judging people by their name's is stupid. I think names have psychological impact, but this is a strecth.

Also, Tyra writing these jobs the way they are because she wanted them as a kid but didn't get. that's plausible. It's also plausible that's she's try to make her job look awesome in comparison.

but seriously, I'm an art student and the models I've had to work with in class just have to pose, sometimes nude. nothing special but the capacity to pose for several minutes.
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 27th 2012 at 11:06:31 PM
I think you might be onto something with Lizard Man's (I refuse to use the stupid name that Tyra gave their species)motivation. I think he is going because of the people Modelland took in but not to join them, he's going there to free them. I don't think Modelland is keeping those people safe, I think it's holding them hostage to make use of their talents.

That nurse says that she and everyone else born with skates become nurses, she does not say that they have any other options. They are also forced to live under Modelland and we only see them when they are performing some kind of task. Since the gurus have been stated to be human and featured a humanoid alligator among their ranks I think it's entirely possible that the Lizard Folk are also human.

I believe that the Lizard Folk are alternate humans that managed to escape the clutches of the Belladonna. The man travelling with Myhrracle is their champion on a dangerous quest to free their brothers and sisters from beneath the slave mountain. I wish him success.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 29th 2012 at 10:33:21 AM
That is a completely possible reason. And would be way more interesting than this book! I'm not surprised that Tyra would waste so many potentially good plots.

  • sigh*

To bad there's no horrible literary character death match. because that would be awesome. Imagine' Tookie de la Creme versus Ebony from {My Immortal}.

now to the main reason I came here: the "you can tell your destiny by telling your name" thing. lets see what would happen if we put my name through this philosophy. my first name is alexander. Now it has the sylables "all" and "ender" and my last name can translate between either "career/job". so going by the doctor's logic, I will turn into an {omnicidal maniac} as my main career option.

DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 29th 2012 at 10:25:04 PM
I don't know who Ebony is but Enoby would kick Tookie's ass.
MisterTambourineMan Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 16th 2020 at 4:07:35 PM
A setting this bizarre could have been amazing in the hands of a skilled writer. If only Tyra had hired a ghost writer.
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