| 1 | %% |
| 2 | %% |
| 3 | %% Entries for the videos are ordered chronologically by date of release. Please add new entries to the appropriate place in the list. |
| 4 | %% |
| 5 | %% |
| 6 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 7 | |
| 8 | [[folder:2017 Haters Guides]] |
| 9 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2017 NFL Playoffs]] |
| 10 | * The end of his segment on the Patriots: |
| 11 | -->'''UT''': You are TheEvilEmpire and Tom Brady is your [[Franchise/StarWars Death Star]]. Embrace it.\ |
| 12 | ''[A cut-in of Bill Belichick, hood pulled over his head, appears in the bottom left-hand corner of the video, with an audio icon next to it]''\ |
| 13 | '''[[Film/ReturnOfTheJedi Palpatine]]''': Good. Let the hate flow through you. |
| 14 | * UT's predictions about what the Super Bowl matchup will be: |
| 15 | -->'''UT''': It will be Dallas vs. New England. Dallas will win. [[BrainBleach Jerry Jones will celebrate by dancing naked on that gigantic scoreboard of his]]. |
| 16 | |
| 17 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 51]] |
| 18 | * Tree was bullish on the Dolphins' chances going into the playoffs. They were promptly embarrassed 30-12 by the Steelers in the Wild Card round. A clip from the ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark'' episode "Whale Whores" of a group of irate Japanese storming the field at a Dolphins game and killing the entire team with harpoons is captioned "'''A[-CCURATE DEPICTION OF-] S[-TEELERS VS-]. D[-OLPHINS-]'''". |
| 19 | * On recapping the Wild Card game between the New York Giants and Green Bay Packers, which the Packers won 38-13: "We have finally learned that the Giants no longer have a magical horseshoe shoved up their ass." |
| 20 | * How Tree opens the NFC Championship Game: "This postseason, we have learned that the secret to quarterback immortality is by abandoning your family and converting to Scientology." |
| 21 | * Half of his prediction for the Super Bowl matchup comes true. He is as enthusiastic as you'd expect: |
| 22 | -->'''UT''': ''God'', what a terrible playoffs. What were there, one, maybe ''two'' good games? And the NFL's wondering why their ratings are down. With that being said, it's finally time to meet our contenders for the fifty-first Lombardi Trophy!\ |
| 23 | '''N[-EW-] E[-NGLAND-] P[-ATRIOTS-]'''\ |
| 24 | '''UT''': New England once again dominating the AFC? '''Yawn...''' They didn't even ''need'' to cheat this year. They played the Texans, and Antonio Brown probably livestreamed the Steelers' coaches' meetings. |
| 25 | * His prediction for the final result is HilariousInHindsight; he got a lot of things right about it, such as the game going down to the wire, the margin of victory being a touchdown or less, the winning team scoring 34 points, and the winning quarterback being named Super Bowl MVP.[[note]]That said, the MVP award is given to the winning quarterback more than half the time.[[/note]] But he got one ''very'' important thing wrong, making this a harbinger of things to come for his championship predictions in football, hockey, and baseball... |
| 26 | -->'''UT''': To be fair, this could go either way, but I feel that the Falcons' potent offensive attack will just be ''too much'' for the Patriots' defense to handle. I'm expecting this game to come down to the wire, and give a 34-31 victory for those birds in black. Matt Ryan is hailed as Super Bowl MVP! Roger Goodell orders hundreds of statues built of him in Atlanta city limits, and the Falcons fanbase enjoys their first true success in years. Here's to hoping you don't become the twelfth man. Please comment below on how much of a Falcons bandwagoner I am with this prediction![[note]]The actual final result, as detailed in "The Atlanta Falcons: A Legacy of Failure": the Falcons set a record for biggest blown lead in a Super Bowl, going from leading 28-3 halfway through the third quarter to losing 34-28 in overtime.[[/note]] |
| 27 | |
| 28 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2017 NHL Playoffs]] |
| 29 | * When UT gets to the Montreal Canadiens: |
| 30 | -->'''UT''': Congratulations! [[HistoryRepeats You've replaced the stubborn and frustrating Michel Therrien with Claude Julien as your head coach... again.]] |
| 31 | * When discussing the Washington Capitals, he points out that the team is even more loaded with quality depth pieces to support their superstar-loaded core than the previous year's roster, and that they're still rolling through the regular season with ease (they had won their second straight Presidents' Trophy). He then discussed how none of this would really alleviate their fear of playoff failure, before deciding to taunt them just a bit. |
| 32 | -->'''UT''': But I know who you truly want. ''[A translucent Pittsburgh Penguins logo appears on the screen, growing more opaque as he continues to speak]'' I know who you ''really'' want to face. |
| 33 | * Which makes the Pens segment hilariously ironic, as he's dismissive of the team's chances, calling them "flat", pointing out their "sloppy defense" and venturing that they're suffering from karma for the local politicians renaming a street in Squirrel Hill to "Matt Murray Avenue" during the previous year's Finals. |
| 34 | |
| 35 | !![[AC: The Haters Guide to the Haters Guide to the 2017 NHL Playoffs]] |
| 36 | * The entire video is a lengthy JuxtapositionGag, where he eats bags of shit by putting his analyses of various teams from the first Haters Guide alongside their actual performances in the first round, with the consistent throughline being the teams performing the exact opposite of his expectations. He concluded by showing the quick and painful death of his picks for the Finals, then reminded people of his prediction that he would "be wrong by the end of the first round", one of the few things he actually got right. |
| 37 | |
| 38 | !![[AC: The Haters Guide to the 2017 Stanley Cup Final]] |
| 39 | * Introducing the Boston Bruins: |
| 40 | -->'''UT''': ''[Snores, then two indistinguishable syllables as he wakes up]'' This series actually ended? What a goddamm slogfest. |
| 41 | * A call-back to the Washington Capitals' Legacy of Failure: |
| 42 | -->'''UT''': Congratulations, your team ''still'' can't make it past the second round of the playoffs. |
| 43 | * At the end, Tree shows that he is aware of the accuracy (or lack thereof) of his playoff predictions: |
| 44 | -->'''UT''': Unless [Nashville Predators' goalie Pekka Rinne] falls apart, I'm going to pick Nashville in six. Congratulations to the Penguins on back-to-back Stanley Cups. |
| 45 | |
| 46 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2017 NBA Finals]] |
| 47 | * Tree gets to the finalists: |
| 48 | -->'''UT''': So what teams do we have left?\ |
| 49 | ''(over a black screen, we see the Golden State Warriors and Cleveland Cavaliers logos, with the caption "SO SURPRISING...")''\ |
| 50 | '''UT''': ''(monotone)'' Oh boy, what a shocking turn of events. Warriors versus Cavs. Jesus, ''I'' could have predicted this final. My question as an outsider is this: Why even bother watching the rest of the playoffs when the final is so predictable barring some unbelievable event? These playoffs fucking ''sucked''. So many blowouts. It's like basketball itself: the games rev up and get the most action in the final two minutes. We are now in the final two minutes. Even then, it's looking to be kind of a lopsided series with Golden State winning another title and everyone wishing that their insufferable fucking fanbase would sink into the Pacific along with the rest of California. ''(imitating a SimpletonVoice)'' Did you know that the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead-- ''(normal voice)'' Yes, I did, now '''shut the fuck up about it.''' |
| 51 | |
| 52 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2017 NFL Season - AFC Edition]] |
| 53 | * Will Tannehill actually be able to play at all? (Nope.) So who the hell's your QB now? '''''[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jay_Cutler JAY CUTLER!?]]''''' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Father, forgive them, they do not know the horrible pain they are about to experience...]] You're as fucked as a dolphin in Japanese waters! |
| 54 | |
| 55 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2017/18 NHL Season]] |
| 56 | * Regarding the Carolina Hurricanes: |
| 57 | -->'''Hurricanes Man''': RALEIGH! WE MIGHT NOT ACTUALLY BE TERRIBLE THIS YEAR! THE HURRICANES NOW BOAST ONE OF THE MORE PROMISING DEFENSIVE CORES IN THE NHL! WE BROUGHT BACK JUSTIN WILLIAMS TO HELP US WIN MORE GAME 7'S!\ |
| 58 | '''Second voice''': Mr. Brazil![[note]]At the time, Williams had a 7-1 record in Game 7's.[[/note]]\ |
| 59 | '''Hurricanes Man''': WE EVEN HAVE NEW OWNERS THAT ARE TOTAL PIECES OF SHIT! WE'RE STAYING PUT! WE ARE THE NEW BLACKHAWKS AND WE HAVE A LOT OF FORMER ONES ON THE TEAM! ''("COME TO OUR GAMES!" starts flashing on the screen every which way)'' PLEASE COME TO OUR GAMES! |
| 60 | * The Penguins' intro card identifies the team as '''T[-HE-] F[-UCKING-] P[-ENGUINS-]'''. |
| 61 | * Tree's analysis of the expansion Vegas Golden Knights becomes HilariousInHindsight after their historic debut season: |
| 62 | -->'''V[-EGAS-] G[-OLDEN-] K[-NIGHTS-]'''\ |
| 63 | '''UT''': There isn't much to say here, they're tanking away this current year to build for five years down the road. The only reason this team is going to be competitive is because of Marc-Andre Fleury. That poor bastard went from a back-to-back Cup winner to this generation's Peter Sidorkiewicz. Better gain that following now before the Raiders come to town, Knights. |
| 64 | * Similarly his analysis of the Washington Capitals becomes HilariousInHindsight when they not only advanced past the second round, but won the Cup: |
| 65 | -->'''W[-ASHINGTON-] C[-APITALS-]'''\ |
| 66 | '''UT''': So you completely shit the bed against a major rival in Game 7 of an all-in year. It's obvious shit needs to be done to address this failure. Oh wait, that would involve being bold; a lot easier to just throw money around. ''(as headlines appear)'' Here, extensions for all of you, money is no object - oh shit, ''(the unnamed ''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' anchor appears, pointing at the screen saying "You ''stupid''..." and laughing)'' we threw ourselves into cap hell and we still have to sign the majority of our team, fuck it, sacrifice [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcus_Johansson_(ice_hockey,_born_1990) Mojo]] for five cents on the dollar to a team in our division. And you wonder why this team loses in the second round to those fucking Penguins.\ |
| 67 | '''Headline''': '''K[-ARL-] A[-LZNER LEFT THE-] C[-APITALS FOR THE-] C[-ANADIENS BECAUSE HE-] '[-WANTS TO WIN-][='=]'''\ |
| 68 | '''Caption''': '''I[-T-]'[-S ALSO WHY STUFF LIKE THIS HAPPENS-]'''\ |
| 69 | '''UT''': If there were just an easier way of avoiding this quandary... ''('''B[-UY OUT-] B[-ROOKS-] O[-RPIK-]''' flashes at the bottom of the screen)'' I just can't put my finger on it... |
| 70 | |
| 71 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2017/18 NBA Season]] |
| 72 | * You know something's going to be up when [[InterfaceSpoiler you notice the video is only about 4 minutes long]] (other Haters' Guide videos are two or three times as long). He goes through the 30 teams of the NBA [[RapidFireComedy rapid-fire]], with about 70% of those teams described with some variant of "[[BrutalHonesty You're fucked]]." Often with those two words ''only''. |
| 73 | -->'''UT''': [[SarcasmMode Oh boy, what an incredibly unpredictable year of basketball it's going to be! It's not like there are only two or three teams that have a chance to win the title this year.]] Here we go, everyone!\ |
| 74 | '''A[-TLANTA-] H[-AWKS-]'''\ |
| 75 | '''UT''': You're fucked.\ |
| 76 | '''B[-OSTON-] C[-ELTICS-]'''\ |
| 77 | '''UT''': Hey, you got Kyrie and Gordon Hayward! You might actually win ''two'' games against the Cavs in the playoffs.\ |
| 78 | '''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' '''G[-ORDON-] H[-AWYWARD REPORTEDLY HAS SURGERY-], [-UNLIKELY TO RETURN FOR SEASON-]'''\ |
| 79 | '''UT''': You're fucked.\ |
| 80 | '''B[-ROOKLYN-] N[-ETS-]'''\ |
| 81 | '''Headline''': '''J[-EREMY-] L[-IN-] T[-HINKS THE-] N[-ETS-] W[-ILL-] M[-AKE THE-] P[-LAYOFFS IN-] 2018'''\ |
| 82 | '''UT''': This team thinks they can make the playoffs! ''(breaks into laughter)'' Then again, this is the Eastern Conference.\ |
| 83 | '''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch and StockScream)'' '''N[-ETS-]' J[-EREMY-] L[-IN HAS RUPTURED PATELLAR TENDON-]; [-SEASON LIKELY OVER-]'''\ |
| 84 | '''Super''': '''T[-HE BASKETBALL GODS ARE WRATHFUL-]'''\ |
| 85 | '''UT''': Have fun getting swept by the Cavs or Celtics.\ |
| 86 | '''C[-HARLOTTE-] H[-ORNETS-]'''\ |
| 87 | '''UT''': You have Dwight Howard now. Being fucked is all but a given.\ |
| 88 | '''C[-HICAGO-] B[-ULLS-]'''\ |
| 89 | '''UT''': You traded Jimmy Butler for some Dubble Bubble and old [[Music/TupacShakur Tupac]] [=CDs=]. You're fucked.\ |
| 90 | '''C[-LEVELAND-] C[-AVALIERS-]'''\ |
| 91 | '''UT''': You are throwing everything at this one year before [=LeBron=] [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere fucks off from this shit-show]]. After an inevitable loss to the Warriors in the finals, [=LeBron=] takes his ego to LA and everyone else leaves, while the entire city of Cleveland sinks into Lake Erie. [[ButtMonkey AGAIN]].\ |
| 92 | '''D[-ALLAS-] M[-AVERICKS-]'''\ |
| 93 | '''UT''': Nowitzki's a geriatric. You're fucked.\ |
| 94 | '''D[-ENVER-] N[-UGGETS-]'''\ |
| 95 | '''UT''': You've got that Jokić guy, and that other guy! You might-- Oh, right, you're in the West. You're fucked.\ |
| 96 | '''D[-ETROIT-] P[-ISTONS-]'''\ |
| 97 | '''UT''': You're fucked so badly you couldn't even [[Film/RoboCop1987 buy it for a dollar]].\ |
| 98 | '''G[-OLDEN-] S[-TATE-] W[-ARRIORS-]'''\ |
| 99 | '''UT''': You'll probably win another championship this year and nobody on the team will shut the fuck up about meaningless drama. It's going to be another year where their players bitch about slave mentality when they all but own the majority of the league. And that's not even getting into that toxic bandwagon fanbase. North Korea, please launch a nuke into this organization.\ |
| 100 | '''H[-OUSTON-] R[-OCKETS-]'''\ |
| 101 | '''UT''': You got [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Paul CP3]]. Now you have ''two'' players that will vanish come playoff time.\ |
| 102 | '''I[-NDIANA-] P[-ACERS-]'''\ |
| 103 | '''UT''': Everybody worth a damn is gone. You're fucked.\ |
| 104 | '''L[-OS-] A[-NGELES-] C[-LIPPERS-]'''\ |
| 105 | '''UT''': You're still not making it past the second round.\ |
| 106 | '''L[-OS-] A[-NGELES-] L[-AKERS-]'''\ |
| 107 | '''UT''': You're fucked for now, but [=LeBron=] will probably come next year and make you into a contender. I will seriously laugh my ass off if he doesn't come.\ |
| 108 | '''M[-EMPHIS-] G[-RIZZLIES-]'''\ |
| 109 | '''UT''': Your coach is more worried about old-ass statues instead of realizing his team is fucked.\ |
| 110 | '''M[-IAMI-] H[-EAT-]'''\ |
| 111 | '''UT''': Poor Hassan Whiteside, the team that he is on is just fucked.\ |
| 112 | '''M[-ILWAUKEE-] B[-UCKS-]'''\ |
| 113 | '''UT''': Ooh, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giannis_Antetokounmpo the Greek Freak]]! [[DamnedByFaintPraise You might actually make the second round this year.]]\ |
| 114 | '''M[-INNESOTA-] T[-IMBERWOLVES-]'''\ |
| 115 | '''UT''': Still waiting on that hyped-up youth to actually ''do'' something. And you got Jimmy Butler, which means the hype will be real for a few months before realizing they will be butt-fucked by the Warriors or Spurs in the playoffs.\ |
| 116 | '''N[-EW-] O[-RLEANS-] P[-ELICANS-]'''\ |
| 117 | '''UT''': Stop wasting the talents of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_Davis the Unibrow]] and [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DeMarcus_Cousins Boogie Cousins]] and trade them to real teams already. No depth means you're fucked.\ |
| 118 | '''N[-EW-] Y[-ORK-] K[-NICKS-]'''\ |
| 119 | '''UT''': You're fucked, ''and'' you're a shit-show.\ |
| 120 | '''O[-KLAHOMA-] C[-ITY-] T[-HUNDER-]'''\ |
| 121 | '''UT''': You may choke come playoff time, but you won the offseason. You got Paul George and [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carmelo_Anthony Carmelo]] when you failed to realize there is no multi-ball option. You're still not getting past the Warriors.\ |
| 122 | '''O[-RLANDO-] M[-AGIC-]'''\ |
| 123 | '''UT''': You... you're just fucked.\ |
| 124 | '''P[-HILADELPHIA-] 76[-ERS-]'''\ |
| 125 | '''UT''': There's some interesting pieces here. And then, before the starting lineup is announced, half the team is injured and they're trusting the process again!\ |
| 126 | '''P[-HOENIX-] S[-UNS-]'''\ |
| 127 | '''UT''': You're fucked so badly you can't even walk straight.\ |
| 128 | '''P[-ORTLAND-] T[-RAIL-] B[-LAZERS-]'''\ |
| 129 | '''UT''': Look, guys! It's Damian Lillard and his band of "You're Fucked".\ |
| 130 | '''S[-ACRAMENTO-] K[-INGS-]'''\ |
| 131 | '''UT''': Everyone in this God-forsaken town is praising management for not completely shitting it in the off-season, but then you realize they are run by an incompetent street-shitter in Vlade "I Had a Better Deal Two Days Ago" Divac. [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Perry_(basketball) The guy who actually made the decisions this offseason]] defected to the Knicks. The ''Knicks''. You're fucked.\ |
| 132 | '''S[-AN-] A[-NTONIO-] S[-PURS-]'''\ |
| 133 | '''UT''': You keep thinking they'll have a chance to beat the Warriors, but then Golden State will deliberately injure their players again. No, Gregg Popovich still won't shut the fuck up.\ |
| 134 | '''T[-ORONTO-] R[-APTORS-]'''\ |
| 135 | '''UT''': You kept a lot of pieces around, which means you will play second fiddle to the conference leaders for this generation. "We The North"? More like, "We The Second Round Playoff Elimination".\ |
| 136 | '''U[-TAH-] J[-AZZ-]'''\ |
| 137 | '''UT''': Hold this L with a side helping of "you're fucked".\ |
| 138 | '''W[-ASHINGTON-] W[-IZARDS-]'''\ |
| 139 | '''UT''': Everybody says they have promise and have a chance at pulling ahead in the Eastern Conference. But let's be real, this is a sports team in Washington, DC. They will transition from playing second fiddle to the Cavs to playing second fiddle to the Celtics.\ |
| 140 | '''UT''': Playoff predictions? Who fucking cares. We all know the only teams that have a shot at the title this year are the Warriors and Cavs, with maybe the Spurs and Celtics potentially in the mix. That leaves about 80 to 85% of the league being absolutely fucked. Have fun pretending you guys are actually going to do something this year. |
| 141 | [[/folder]] |
| 142 | |
| 143 | [[folder:2018 Haters Guides]] |
| 144 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2018 NFL Playoffs]] |
| 145 | * Promising that if the Steelers got by New England, he'd eat [[https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2014/10/20/357606359/sandwich-monday-the-primanti-bros-pitts-burger "one of those terrible Pitts-burgers"]] on camera while [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=id113dirq9A that awful "Here We Go"]] song plays in the background. They didn't, so he didn't have to. |
| 146 | * On the Carolina Panthers: |
| 147 | -->'''UT''': May [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cam_Newton Cam]] and a bunch of try-hard 12-year-olds dab themselves to death as [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerry_Richardson Jerry]] sells the team. |
| 148 | * Referring to the Philadelphia Eagles as "The Unified Church of Wentz". |
| 149 | |
| 150 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 52]] |
| 151 | * The KC Chiefs are confident they'll beat the Tennessee Titans. Until... |
| 152 | -->'''UT''': ''[as the Chiefs race to a 21-7 lead in the first half of their Wild Card game against the Titans]'' Chiefs, you're doing it. You're completely obliterating your competition in the first half and showing the world your might. One yard short? The Titans are on the wrong goddamn football field. Put it in neutral and roll on to an easy vic-\ |
| 153 | '''Caption''': ''[as the screen flashes red and shakes violently while a klaxon blares]'' '''FULL REID ALERT!'''\ |
| 154 | '''UT''': [[OhNoNotAgain God damn it, not again!]]\ |
| 155 | '''Voiceover''': ''[as the Titans score 15 unanswered points in the second half]'' Warning! Full Reid has been activated! I repeat: Full Reid is in effect! Be on the lookout for all suspicious activity! Keep all leads locked in a secure location! Stay away from all windows, doors, and televisions! Execute those wearing red, obese men with mustaches, and those showing signs of choking on sight! Do not attempt to reason with or offer liquor to Chiefs fans; their misery will overpower you! God help us all!\ |
| 156 | '''Film/BillyMadison''': YOU BLEW IT! |
| 157 | * A CallBack to "The Atlanta Falcons: A Legacy of Failure", with some footage re-used from "Congrats, Falcons! (2018 Edition)": |
| 158 | -->'''UT''': The Falcons are proving all their doubters wrong and have snuck into the postseason with a 10-6 record. They went right into Los Angeles and shut down a high-powered Rams offence. Momentum is on their side as they take on an incredibly weakened opponent. The Falcons are well on the road to revenge for last year. Only a brick wall could stop you... its name is "the Eagles". You do realize that wall has been eroding for years, right? Four straight passes on the final drive? For the final play of the game, you run a rollout bootleg with a fullback as a wide receiver? Are we sure Steve Sarkisian is sober? |
| 159 | * The New Orleans Saints kick a field goal to take a 24-23 lead in Minneapolis with 26 seconds left. The Vikings' attempt to drive back after the resulting kickoff stalls on their own 39-yard line as they fail to gain any yardage on the first two downs. Party time on Bourbon Street, right? Well... |
| 160 | -->'''UT''': Saints, I'm so proud of you guys, you've proven everyone wrong ''again''. You've come back from a 17-point deficit on the road against one of the proudest legacies of failure this league has to offer. It's sure to be yet another painful defeat for this cursed franchise. Just stop them on this final drive and put the nail in the coffin.\ |
| 161 | '''Paul Allen''':[[note]]Radio commentator for KFAN in Minneapolis.[[/note]] ''[as Vikings quarterback Case Keenum fires a 27-yard Hail Mary pass toward wide receiver Stefon Diggs]'' Case on the deep drop. Steps up in the pocket. He'll fire to the right SIDE, CAUGHT BY DIGGS!\ |
| 162 | '''Pete Bercich''':[[note]]Former Vikings linebacker, now a colour commentator for KFAN.[[/note]] ''[Diggs catches the ball; Saints free safety Marcus Williams tries to tackle him, but misses and falls to the ground, tripping his own cornerback, Ken Crawley, and leaving Diggs free to run the remaining 34 yards to the end zone]'' STAY INBOUNDS!\ |
| 163 | '''Allen''': OH, HE GOT LOOSE!\ |
| 164 | '''Bercich''': OH MY GOD!\ |
| 165 | '''Allen''': AT THE THIRTY!\ |
| 166 | '''Bercich''': NO WAY!\ |
| 167 | '''Allen''': TEN! TOUCHDOWN! ''[Bercich screams in delight; on the field, Diggs removes his helmet, throws it aside, and spreads his arms to the crowd as if to say "How about that, huh?" as his teammates mob him in celebration]'' ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?\ |
| 168 | '''Bercich''': WHAT A MIRACLE FINISH!\ |
| 169 | '''Allen''': IT'S A [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minneapolis_Miracle MINNEAPOLIS MIRACLE!]]\ |
| 170 | '''Bercich''': NO WAY!\ |
| 171 | '''UT''': Or Marcus Williams pushes the hit stick way too early and costs them the game. Remember when Sean Payton mocked the "Skol chant"?\ |
| 172 | '''Headline''': '''S[-AINTS COACH-] S[-EAN-] P[-AYTON TAUNTED FANS WITH A-] 'S[-KOL CLAP-]' [-JUST BEFORE THE-] V[-IKINGS WON-]'''\ |
| 173 | '''UT''': ''[over a tweet from Dirty Coast Press saying "Let's buy a billboard" with a picture of the score in the third quarter of Super Bowl LI]'' Remember all the shit you gave Atlanta for 28-3 last year? Karma's a total bitch, isn't she.\ |
| 174 | '''Film/BillyMadison''': YOU BLEW IT! |
| 175 | * Tree makes the barest token effort to hide his disgust at the predictable end result of the AFC playoffs: |
| 176 | -->'''UT''': Representing the AFC...\ |
| 177 | '''N[-EW-] E[-NGLAND-] P[-ATRIOTS-]'''\ |
| 178 | '''UT''': ''[monotone]'' The Patriots have made the Super Bowl, what an incredibly shocking turn of events. Let me put on my stunned face. [[FlatJoy Yay.]] |
| 179 | * "Will we see Philadelphia joyously rioting in the streets, [[DistinctionWithoutADifference or Philadelphia angrily rioting in the streets]]?" |
| 180 | |
| 181 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2017/18 NHL Playoffs]] |
| 182 | * After covering all 16 teams, we get to the part where Tree normally makes his prediction for the finals... |
| 183 | -->'''UT''': What, you want a prediction again? Did you see how disastrous last year's one went?[[note]]In 2017, Tree predicted that the Stanley Cup Finals that year would be between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Montreal Canadiens, adding "Now watch me be wrong at the end of the first round". Indeed, Chicago and Montreal both lost in the first round, with Chicago being swept and only scoring three goals total in the entire series.[[/note]] Fuck it, you want a prediction? Washington versus San Jose. The two Legacies of Failure against one another in a fight to the death. And then they somehow both lose just because. I'm going to have to do another Haters Guide to the Haters Guide, aren't I?[[note]]Tree didn't have to; as detailed in "The San Jose Sharks: A Legacy of Failure", released the following month, the Sharks beat the Anaheim Ducks in the first round but lost in the second round to the first-year Vegas Golden Knights, while the Washington Capitals, whom Tree had already covered in his Legacy of Failure series, won their first-ever Stanley Cup over the Golden Knights in the finals.[[/note]] |
| 184 | |
| 185 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2018 Stanley Cup Final]] |
| 186 | * Tree's blistering TheReasonYouSuckSpeech toward the Ducks after they were swept in the first round. |
| 187 | -->'''R[-OASTED-] A[-NAHEIM-] D[-UCKS-]'''\ |
| 188 | '''UT''': What in the literal fuck was that supposed to be? Wasn't this supposed to be some sort of ''series''? It's like you guys blew your load late in the season and failed to do dickety-''shit'' come April. It wasn't even domination, what the Sharks did to you was what happened to vassals that defied [[UsefulNotes/GenghisKhan the great Khan]]. You were made an example of. Your cities were burned to the ground, your population slaughtered, and their carcasses sent to the four corners of the Earth as a warning to all those that would defy them. When you bothered to show up, it was far too late. The damage was done. Four goals all series, are you ''fucking kidding me!?'' Even your parents would disown you after such a performance. This is what you get when you bring in [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randy_Carlyle a retread of a coach]] in the hopes of re-living the glory years. ''[the ''VideoGame/DuckHunt'' dog appears on the bottom of the screen, laughing]'' You can wipe your tears away on some delicious duck ''confit''. ''[[[VideoGame/TotalWarShogun2 The Advisor]] yells "SHAMEFUL DISPLAY!"]'' |
| 189 | * As Tree gets to the teams eliminated in the Conference finals, he is generally positive about the Winnipeg Jets not just winning their first playoff game in franchise history, but advancing to the third round. Then he moves on to the Tampa Bay Lightning... |
| 190 | -->'''F[-UCKING-] U[-SELESS-] L[-IGHTNING-]'''\ |
| 191 | '''UT''': I can safely say you fuckers deserve ''every morsel'' of bile and vitriol that is coming your way. Way to fuck up a Cup finals appearance placed on a ''tee'', you underachieving pieces of ''shit!'' All of that noise you made before the playoffs results in you becoming the laughingstock of the league. Let's not lie to ourselves: you choked. You choked just like every other fucking year you've had in this window. Not even ''sniffing'' the back of the net in over two and a half games? That's choking. Blowing the series when you were favourites to ''win it''? That's choking. Flubbing on gimme goals right in front of the ''fucking'' net? That's ''textbook'' choking. The baton has officially been passed. ''You'' are the new Washington Capitals. Failures and underachievers in every sense of the word. Hey, maybe we can try and find Stamkos at even strength or Kucherov's ability to ''give'' a damn in this mess eventually. Last time I buy into your hype, you pathetic fucks. ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]'' |
| 192 | * Time to get to the finalists... |
| 193 | -->'''UT''': Coming out of the deserts of the west!\ |
| 194 | ''(BGM: [[VideoGame/FZero Shotgun Kiss (Casino Palace)]])''\ |
| 195 | '''V[-EGAS-] G[-OLDEN-] K[-NIGHTS-]'''\ |
| 196 | ''(scene of [[Film/JurassicPark Ian walking up to a large pile of dinosaur shit]])''\ |
| 197 | '''UT''': ''This'' is me. And ''this'' is the gigantic pile of shit I'm about to eat on the Golden Knights once again...\ |
| 198 | '''Ian''': ''(with UT's Website/YouTube logo over his face)'' That is one big pile of shit.\ |
| 199 | '''UT''': Now my body matches these videos--full of shit. |
| 200 | * As a CallBack to "The Washington Capitals: A Legacy of Failure" and "The Haters Guide to the 2017 Stanley Cup Final": |
| 201 | -->'''UT''': As for the East, who emerges from the rubble?\ |
| 202 | '''W[-ASHINGTON-] C[-APITALS-]'''\ |
| 203 | '''UT''': Congratulations, your team ''finally'' made it past the second round of the playoffs! |
| 204 | |
| 205 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2018 NBA Finals]] |
| 206 | * Before showing footage of their loss to the Utah Jazz in the first round, Tree identifies the Thunder with the caption "'''C[-HOKLAHOMA-] C[-ITY-] T[-HUNDER-]'''". |
| 207 | * Another year, another stellar Raptors regular season followed by an embarrassing flameout in the playoffs. As a cherry on the sundae, Tree trots out a video clip of the hilariously wrong-headed publicity stunt from 2012 when the Raptors decided to send their mascot ''down stairs on rollerblades'' into Air Canada Centre. |
| 208 | -->'''T[-ORONTO-] R[-APTORS-]'''\ |
| 209 | '''UT''': Don't give me that shocked look about the Raptors being embarrassed, these fuckers do this shit ''every year''. Cockteasing everyone with a great regular season, then becoming the closest thing to property without violating the Thirteenth Amendment![[note]]Of the US Constitution, not the Canadian Constitution.[[/note]] What was that about Toronto getting over the hump this year? The only hump I'm seeing is [=LeBron=] lording over your corpse for twelve straight playoff games.\ |
| 210 | '''Caption''': ''[quack!]'' '''*10 [-GAMES-], [-WHO CARES YOU-]'[-RE STILL A JOKE-].'''\ |
| 211 | '''UT''': You are the faceplanting mascot. ''[the Raptors' mascot rollerblades down the stairs into Air Canada Centre and lands on the court face first to the Thwomp sound effect from ''VideoGame/SuperMario64'']''\ |
| 212 | '''Headline''': '''D[-WANE-] C[-ASEY FIRED BY-] R[-APTORS TWO DAYS AFTER WINNING-] C[-OACH OF THE-] Y[-EAR-]'''\ |
| 213 | '''UT''': Dwane Casey takes the brunt of the fall for his team not showing up once again, which is proof that coaching awards are fucking useless. I will say, though, you guys are forging a ''really'' nice legacy of failure up there. Give it a few more years and it'll be ready for the beast![[note]]Or not; a year after this video's release, the Raptors won their first NBA title.[[/note]] |
| 214 | * The Houston Rockets appear to be on the brink of overturning the seemingly inevitable fourth consecutive finals between the Golden State Warriors and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Emphasis on "appear"... |
| 215 | ** Chris Paul leads the Rockets to a 3-2 series lead. And then... |
| 216 | --->'''UT''': Oh my God, it's happening... the league is about to be unfucked! The Warriors are getting overconfident and sloppy! Hold me, I don't know if we're in reality. Rise... '''rise''', [=CP3=]! Become the G.O.A.T. that Houston needs! Ascend from a meme to a-\ |
| 217 | '''Headline''': ''[over SickeningCrunch and [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]/[[VideoGame/MaddenNFL "Oh no! There's a man down!"]] sound clips]'' '''R[-EPORT-]: C[-HRIS-] P[-AUL HAS-] G[-RADE-] 2 [-HAMSTRING STRAIN-], [-USUALLY-] 3-4 [-WEEK INJURY-]'''\ |
| 218 | '''UT''': [- -ARE YOU KIDDING ME, WHAT THE FUCK, HOW MANY FUCKING BREAKS ARE THE WARRIORS GONNA GET THIS YEAR!? FUCKING BULLSHIT!-] |
| 219 | ** The Rockets seem to rebound and look as though they might win Game 7 against the Warriors at home. But then... |
| 220 | --->'''UT''': Breathe, Houston, the light is still visible. You're up three games to two and have home court advantage in Game 7. [[TemptingFate There's no way you can vanish this time around.]]\ |
| 221 | '''Windows error message''': WARNING: [=ROCKETS2NDHALF=].EXE NOT FOUND - Please try program again next season.\ |
| 222 | '''Headline''': '''T[-HE-] R[-OCKETS MISSED A RECORD SETTING-] 27 [-STRAIGHT THREE-]-[-POINTERS IN A-] G[-AME-] 7. A[-T HOME-].'''\ |
| 223 | '''UT''': HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MISS TWENTY-SEVEN STRAIGHT THREE-POINTERS?! |
| 224 | * At the end of the summary, Tree announces the teams in the final, and makes no effort to conceal his disgust: |
| 225 | -->'''UT''': Well, at least the playoffs were better [than 2017] in terms of every single game not being a blowout. There were some exciting matches this time around, which leads us to our epic showdown of...\ |
| 226 | ''[over a black screen, the Cavaliers and Warriors logos slide in from opposite sides accompanied by a raspberry; the text "You're fucked again!" appears on the right, while the text "CONGLATURATION, NBA!" appears on the bottom with a buzzer sound effect]''\ |
| 227 | '''UT''': ''[bored]'' Warriors versus Cavs, [-fucking hell, ''again?!''-] |
| 228 | * As the video comes to its end, he says that he can't wait for [=LeBron=] to go to another team so the finals can have different teams, and tells the viewers to "go watch some hockey, you'll thank me later". Then TheStinger at the end has a clip of Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals, with this caption: |
| 229 | -->'''T[-HANKS FOR WATCHING-]! I'[-M DEAD SERIOUS-], [-GO WATCH SOME HOCKEY-].''' |
| 230 | |
| 231 | !![[AC: The Haters Guide to the 2018 MLB Season - All-Star Edition]] |
| 232 | * His initial reaction upon discovering that the Tampa Bay Rays, despite trading away or cutting nearly all their noteworthy players in the preseason, are above .500 (but not in serious playoff contention): |
| 233 | -->'''UT''': Wait, so you guys ''aren't'' tanking? ''[Begins ruffling through paperwork]'' What the fucking hell? I could've sworn you were trying to tank, because of everything you were fucking doing. What the- |
| 234 | |
| 235 | !![[AC: The Haters Guide to the 2018 NFL Season - AFC Edition]] |
| 236 | * True to form, the Browns' intro card identifies the team as '''F[-ACTORY OF-] S[-ADNESS-]'''. |
| 237 | * The entry for the Steelers is presented in the form of a teaser for a soap opera, even referring to the upcoming season as "[[Series/DaysOfOurLives Days Of Our Steelers]]". This sets up a RunningGag that continues during the season thanks to the seemingly endless parade of off-field drama. |
| 238 | * For the Houston Texans intro card, the usual (for an NFL video) StockSoundEffects of linemen colliding with each other and grunting is replaced by a SickeningCrunch and StockScream of agony, as a [[ContinuityNod nod]] to the Texans' promising 2017 season coming completely unraveled due to an enormous wave of injuries. |
| 239 | |
| 240 | !![[AC: The Haters Guide to the 2018 NFL Season - NFC Edition]] |
| 241 | * The Texans gag from the AFC video re-surfaces for the Arizona Cardinals, their logo being presented with a SickeningCrunch and StockScream of agony in a poke at their ever-growing injury roster from the previous year.[[note]]The only other intro card not to be accompanied by audio of linemen colliding with each other and grunting is the Eagles' card; their logo is accompanied by stock audio of an eagle screeching.[[/note]] |
| 242 | * For that matter, when discussing the Eagles he makes it no secret that he's disgusted not only that a Super Bowl was rewarded to a fan base that has been shown to lose their minds over just about everything and be unable to take losses to save their lives, but for the Falcons, Vikings and Patriots for losing to them... Yet TheStinger at the end is a clip of Jason Kelce's epic speech at their Super Bowl parade. |
| 243 | |
| 244 | !![[AC: The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NHL Season: Eastern Conference Edition]] |
| 245 | * Tree dials up the mocking nicknames for teams in this video, referring to the Montreal Canadiens as '''T[-HE-] C[-ANVAS OF-] B[-ERGEVIN-]''' and the Ottawa Senators as '''M[-ELNYK-]'[-S-] F[-ANTASTIC-] C[-IRCUS-]'''. |
| 246 | * The Carolina Hurricanes logo is accompanied by the sound of a goal horn rather than the usual buzzer. And that voice he did for the Hurricanes in the past? It has a name now: Hurricanes Man. And Carolina had been doing some house-cleaning in the background...by letting him go... |
| 247 | -->'''Hurricanes Man''': [--PLEASE COME TO OUR GA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAMES ''(breaks down sobbing)''--] |
| 248 | * Following on from the nickname for the Senators, the preview of their season is done in the style of a circus barker: |
| 249 | -->''[accompanied by the "gumball machine" Special Stage music from ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog3'']''\ |
| 250 | '''UT''': Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, step right up and see one of the greatest shitshows in North American sports! Come and see the vengeful girlfriend ''[Headline: '''E[-RIK-] K[-ARLSSON-]'[-S-] W[-IFE-] A[-CCUSES-] G[-IRLFRIEND OF-] F[-ELLOW-] S[-ENATOR-] M[-IKE-] H[-OFFMAN OF-] H[-ARASSMENT-]''']'' who not only pissed off the franchise face but forced Mike Hoffman to be traded for pennies on the dollar! ''[Headline: '''M[-IKE-] H[-OFFMAN-] T[-RADED TO-] S[-AN-] J[-OSE-] S[-HARKS-]''']'' Take your turn trying to dunk our former assistant manager as he yells at you from the cage! ''[Headline: '''O[-TTAWA-] S[-ENATORS ASSISTANT-] GM R[-ANDY-] L[-EE RESIGNS AMID HARASSMENT CHARGES-]''']'' Laugh at poor Matt Duchene as he moves from one shitshow to an even bigger one! ''[Headline: '''M[-ATT-] D[-UCHENE ON-] S[-ENATORS PUTTING-] Z[-ACK-] S[-MITH ON WAIVERS-]: "I[-T-]'[-S A KICK IN THE BALLS FOR US-]"''']'' Have your mind boggled as we botch the Mark Stone situation and ''he'' becomes a free agent at the end of the year! He's pissed off too! ''[Headline: '''E[-RIK-] K[-ARLSSON TRADE FALLOUT-]: S[-ENATORS-] RW M[-ARK-] S[-TONE REPORTEDLY WANTS OUT OF-] O[-TTAWA AS WELL-]''']'' By God, everyone, Erik Karlsson is being traded! ''[Headline: '''E[-RIK-] K[-ARLSSON-] T[-RADED TO-] S[-AN-] J[-OSE-] S[-HARKS-]''']'' I repeat, Erik Karlsson is free! Somehow, we still have Bobby Ryan's awful contract! For our next magic trick, we will make any good will we had left instantly disappear! You may ask if we're tanking for the future, well too bad, we can't since our first-round pick is Avalanche property! Come for yourself and witness this Senator shitshow before Melnyk sells everything off to save more money!\ |
| 251 | ''[cut to Senators GM Pierre Dorion staring into space during a September 2018 interview with Rogers Sportsnet's David Amber and Elliotte Friedman]''[[note]]Amber asked for one thing about which Dorion was optimistic. Dorion spent ''four seconds'' thinking about his "answer".[[/note]]\ |
| 252 | '''Caption''': '''L[-OADING-] D[-ORION-].[-EXE-]...'''\ |
| 253 | '''Dorion''': We're a team.\ |
| 254 | '''Caption''': '''S[-UCCESS-]!''' |
| 255 | |
| 256 | !![[AC: The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NHL Season: Western Conference Edition]] |
| 257 | * More malicious nicknames for the Western Conference; the Arizona Coyotes are '''T[-HE-] F[-UTURE-] H[-OUSTON-] C[-OYOTES-]''', the San Jose Sharks are '''T[-HE-] L[-AND OF-] E[-IGHT-]-Y[-EAR-] C[-ONTRACTS-]''', and the St. Louis Blues are '''E[-TERNAL-] P[-AIN-]'''. |
| 258 | * Tree's analysis of the Blues becomes funnier when one notes that despite his cynicism (shared by almost every NHL observer, including most Blues fans), they went on to win the 2019 Stanley Cup. |
| 259 | -->'''E[-TERNAL-] P[-AIN-]'''\ |
| 260 | '''UT''': Sticks and stones may break your bones, but being a Blues fan? That pain lasts forever. Last year emphasized these feelings. A white-hot start to the season, only for misery to be the main export as everyone got injured and the team collapsed down the stretch. And you lost your novelty as the only expansion team to make the Cup.\ |
| 261 | '''Caption''': ''[over footage of T.J. Oshie's victory lap with the Cup as a Capital]'' '''...A[-ND ANOTHER OLD FAN FAVORITE WON THE-] C[-UP-]'''\ |
| 262 | '''UT''': [[StatusQuoIsGod This status quo must continue!]] Begin the acquisition of another elite first line center in Ryan O'Reilly. The core is interesting and shows promise, but I fear it's not going to be enough in the brutal division you're in. And there's also that goaltending situation; you need more Playoffs '17 Jake Allen and less of whatever the fuck last year was. Enjoy your first- or second-round playoff elimination, St. Louis! At least put on some lube if you're going to fuck your fans again... |
| 263 | |
| 264 | !![[AC: The Haters Guide to the 2018 MLB Postseason]] |
| 265 | * The malicious nicknames from the NHL season previews continue apace; the Cleveland Indians are '''W[-AHOO-]'[-S-] L[-AST-] S[-TAND-]''', while the Atlanta Braves are '''T[-HE-] T[-OMAHAWK-] C[-HOP-]'''. |
| 266 | |
| 267 | !![[AC: The Haters Guide to the 2018 World Series]] |
| 268 | * Another Haters Guide, another set of malicious nicknames. The Cleveland Indians are walking '''T[-HE-] T[-RAIL OF-] T[-EARS-]''', while the Milwaukee Brewers get the caption '''P[-LEASE-] F[-UCKING-] K[-ILL-] M[-E-]'''. |
| 269 | * Tree makes no attempt whatever to hide his disgust at the prospect of a World Series between two teams with money to burn and reputations for arrogant fans, and describes the contest between the Boston Red Sox and the Los Angeles Dodgers as "You're Fucked: The Series". |
| 270 | |
| 271 | !![[AC: The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NBA Season]] |
| 272 | * Even more malicious nicknames: the Charlotte Hornets are '''T[-HE-] C[-RYING-] J[-ORDAN-]''', the Cleveland Cavaliers are at the '''B[-OTTOM OF-] L[-AKE-] E[-RIE-]''', the Miami Heat ask '''R[-EMEMBER-] W[-HEN-] W[-E-] H[-AD-] L[-E-]B[-RON-]?''', the Minnesota Timberwolves are '''T[-HE-] T[-IMID AND THE-] T[-IMBERWOLVES-]''', Tree calls on New York Knicks' owner to '''S[-ELL THE-] T[-EAM-], D[-OLAN-]''', while on the Orlando Magic he asks '''T[-HIS-] T[-EAM-] E[-XISTS-]?''', the Philadelphia 76ers are '''T[-HE-] E[-TERNAL-] P[-ROCESS-]''', and the Toronto Raptors are '''T[-HE-] F[-ACEPLANTING-] M[-ASCOT-]'''. |
| 273 | * As he did the previous season, Tree mostly sums up the non-Golden State teams' prospects for the forthcoming season with some variant on "You're fucked." For example, following on from the nickname for the Knicks. |
| 274 | -->'''UT''': James Dolan is releasing a new song with his shitty house band about the Knicks. It's simply called "You're Fucked". |
| 275 | * Predictions for the finals? Why bother? |
| 276 | -->'''UT''': Let's be frank, I don't give a fuck who makes the finals, ''somebody'' just beat the Warriors. I don't care who does it, [=LeBron=], Houston, the Process, Boston, somebody, '''anybody!''' Be the heroes we all need! I and millions of others will celebrate in unison as the league might be unfucked... at least for a day.[[note]]In the end, the Toronto Raptors obliged.[[/note]] |
| 277 | [[/folder]] |
| 278 | |
| 279 | [[folder:2019 Haters Guides]] |
| 280 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 NFL Playoffs]] |
| 281 | * It wouldn't be a Haters Guide without nicknames, although the malice is less overt than in the hockey, baseball, and basketball videos of the preceding months; the Los Angeles Chargers are, as ever, '''T[-HE-] D[-IAMOND-] D[-OGS-]''', while the Philadelphia Eagles have been re-born as the '''R[-EFORMED-] C[-HURCH OF-] F[-OLES-]''' (and their logo is accompanied by an eagle screeching instead of audio of linemen colliding and grunting). |
| 282 | * The New England Patriots' logo is accompanied by a man saying "Hey!!". |
| 283 | |
| 284 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2018 NFL Season: Debriefing]] |
| 285 | * More snarky nicknames; the Cleveland Browns are dubbed '''T[-HE-] R[-ECOVERING-] F[-ACTORY OF-] S[-ADNESS-]''', the Pittsburgh Steelers are stuck with '''D[-AYS OF-] P[-LEASE-] K[-ILL-] M[-E-]''', the soon-to-be-ex-Oakland Raiders are '''T[-HE-] A[-UTUMN-] F[-ART-]''', the New York Giants are '''T[-HE-] E[-VERLASTING-] D[-ERP-]''', and the Green Bay Packers are '''T[-HE-] G[-REEN-] B[-AY-] R[-ODGERS-]'''. |
| 286 | * The personnel decisions the Browns have made leave Tree confused - but not for the reason you'd expect: |
| 287 | -->'''UT''': As strong as the end of their season was, you must admit a cold reality for the Browns: this was another wasted year for them. There were many people screaming at them to fire Hue Jackson after their disastrous 0-16 season, but they chose to stay the course and keep him around. Those shitposters were vindicated as they fell apart in ways that broke the Cleveland scale of pain.\ |
| 288 | '''Headline''': '''C[-LEVELAND-] B[-ROWNS-]: H[-UE-] J[-ACKSON ON VERGE OF BECOMING WORST COACH IN-] NFL [-HISTORY-]'''\ |
| 289 | '''UT''': Self-inflicted wounds, a 2-6-1 start, and another nasty civil war in Berea. Casualties were Hue Jackson and Todd Haley.\ |
| 290 | '''Headlines''': '''B[-ROWNS-] F[-IRE-] H[-UE-] J[-ACKSON AND-] T[-ODD-] H[-ALEY-], C[-ITING-] I[-NTERNAL-] C[-LASHING-]'''\ |
| 291 | '''H[-UE-] J[-ACKSON-]: 'I K[-NOW-] I C[-OULD-]'[-VE-]' T[-URNED-] B[-ROWNS-] O[-FFENSE-] A[-ROUND-] I[-F-] N[-OT-] F[-IRED-]'''\ |
| 292 | '''UT''': Addition by subtraction for the season. At the very least, a return to form gives Browns fans something they haven't had in a ''long'' time: hope. Baker Mayfield showed flashes of brilliance slinging the ball around the field, ''[Caption: "If you control his swagger for good, he should be fine. Let's hope it is."]'' and I'm interested to see how he develops. The pieces are once again in place for a return to relevance. And they'll be doing it with the guy that brought out their offensive potential in Freddie Kitchens.\ |
| 293 | '''Headline''': '''B[-ROWNS PROMOTE-] F[-REDDIE-] K[-ITCHENS TO HEAD COACH-]'''\ |
| 294 | '''UT''': Gregg Williams, for the best stretch of Browns football in a long time, is told to fuck off.\ |
| 295 | '''Headline''': '''J[-ETS TO HIRE-] G[-REGG-] W[-ILLIAMS AS NEW DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR-]'''\ |
| 296 | '''UT''': This... makes... ''sense??''\ |
| 297 | '''Caption''': '''B[-UMMER-]. I [-WANTED-] C[-ONDOLEEZA-] R[-ICE-].''' |
| 298 | |
| 299 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 53]] |
| 300 | * More mocking nicknames? Naturally. The Los Angeles Chargers are '''T[-HE-] F[-ALLEN-] D[-IAMOND-] D[-OGS-]''', the Philadelphia Eagles have gone back to being '''T[-HE-] R[-EUNIFIED-] C[-HURCH OF-] W[-ENTZ-]''', and the New Orleans Saints are '''D[-ROWNING ON-] B[-OURBON-] S[-TREET-]'''.[[note]]Misspelled as "drowing".[[/note]] And as a nod to the Saints' elimination coming on the back of a missed penalty call in the fourth quarter, their logo is accompanied by a whistle sound effect instead of linemen colliding and grunting. |
| 301 | * This year, the AFC champions are greeted not with disgust, but disbelief: |
| 302 | -->'''UT''': How wonderful. Perhaps two great games ruined or at least tainted thanks to refball. It just feels so unclean, and I can't shake it off of me. Let's just get over to the AFC's contestant.\ |
| 303 | '''N[-EW-] E[-NGLAND-] P[-ATRIOTS-]'''\ |
| 304 | '''UT''': Wait a minute, New England?! These guys are supposed to be ''dead!'' I saw them decline with my own two eyes week after week! They lost [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josh_Gordon their best receiver]] due to a relapse! Gronk is injured as fuck! The defense is a mess! Brady is rickety and old! The goddamn Miami Miracle! We were ''so'' close to celebrating an age where the Patriots weren't a guaranteed slot in the AFC Championship!\ |
| 305 | '''Caption''': ''[over footage of Kenyan Drake's winning touchdown for the Dolphins in the Miami Miracle]'' '''T[-HIS WILL GO DOWN AS A HOLLOW VICTORY-]. F[-OR ALL PARTIES INVOLVED-]. S[-HAME-].'''\ |
| 306 | '''UT''': Even most ''Patriots'' fans were expecting the inevitable when the playoffs began! All of us were fooled. I can only describe the return of the Patriots to the Super Bowl as black magic. For a team to look as vulnerable and weak as they have been to suddenly look like the championship contenders of years past? The dark arts is the only logical reason. Let's be real with ourselves, would we ''really'' be surprised if Bill Belichick is a disciple of Ba'al?\ |
| 307 | '''Caption''': '''S[-AD WHEN-] B[-ELICHICK BEING A HOODED DEMON MAKES MORE SENSE-]''' |
| 308 | * And when covering the NFC champions in the Los Angeles Rams, he talks about the Lolcow video he made where he throttled their owner Stan Kroenke and said that he wanted the Rams to fail...and then while talking about their dominance, he says that he knows that video has aged ''horribly''. |
| 309 | -->'''UT''': I'll give this guy (Jared Goff) all the credit in the world for turning his career around, and I have been eating shit ever since that video came out for it. If I had a dollar for every time someone said that video aged poorly ''[shows multiple comments from his Lolcow video on the Rams talking about how poorly it aged]'', then I probably would have enough for a new [=PS4=]. |
| 310 | |
| 311 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NHL Eastern Conference: All-Star Edition]] |
| 312 | * Nicknames? This video has plenty. The Carolina Hurricanes have gone back to being '''T[-HE-] B[-RASS-] B[-ONANZA-]''' (and are heralded by a goal siren instead of a buzzer), the Detroit Red Wings are '''D[-ARKNESS WITH-] H[-ARKNESS-] 2.0''', the New York Islanders are '''T[-HE-] E[-GGMEN OF-] L[-ONG-] I[-SLAND-]''', the Ottawa Senators are compared to the '''[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1990-91_Toronto_Maple_Leafs_season 1990/91]] T[-ORONTO-] M[-APLE-] L[-EAFS-]''' [[note]] The Leafs went 23-46-11 and came in last in their conference, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1991_NHL_Entry_Draft traded their 3rd overall draft pick the following year to the New Jersey Devils,]] and hoped that [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Niedermayer Scott Niedermayer]] wouldn't bite them in the rear. (Which, inevitably, he did, playing an integral role in the Devils' three Stanley Cup wins.)[[/note]] (and are introduced with a StockScream of horror instead of a buzzer), and the Washington Capitals are more specifically introduced as the '''S[-TANLEY-] C[-UP-] C[-HAMPION-] W[-ASHINTON-] C[-APITALS-]'''. The Tampa Bay Lightning don't get a nickname, but their dominant regular season prompts Tree to introduce them with a thunderclap instead of a buzzer. |
| 313 | * The Carolina Hurricanes' recent performance causes Tree to bring back one of his characters: |
| 314 | -->'''Hurricanes Man''': GOOD NEWS RALEIGH, I'VE BEEN REHIRED BY THIS FINE ORGANIZATION! EVERYTHING IS COMING UP BRASS BONANZA FOR THE HURRICANES! THE TEAM IS LOADED WITH SEXY TALENT, OUR FARM SYSTEM IS STRONGER THAN EVER, WE'RE ANALYTICAL DARLINGS! WE HAVE AN OUTSIDE CHANCE OF CLINCHING AN WILD CARD BERTH!!!\ |
| 315 | '''UT''': ''(in his normal voice)'' At this point I must announce that the Hurricanes still do not have reliable goaltending, regret the Jeff Skinner trade, and Jordan Staal has had an injury filled year.\ |
| 316 | '''Hurricanes Man''': BUT WHO WANTS TO HEAR NEGATIVE THINGS, LET'S BRING BACK THE WHALERS' UNIFORM! "BRASS BONANZA" RINGS THROUGHOUT THE ARENA AS THE FANS ARE SLOWLY STARTING TO COME BACK TO OUR GAMES! THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION!! PLEASE RISE FOR OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM!!\ |
| 317 | ''[clips of two of the Hurricanes' post-game celebrations, one in which they stand in a line and slap their sticks against the ice rhythmically in (approximate) unison, another in which they form two lines in front of the goal as Andrei Svechnikov slides down the middle toward the goal like a baseball player sliding into home plate.]''\ |
| 318 | '''Headline''': '''B[-RIAN-] B[-URKE-], [-EX-]-NHL [-EXECUTIVE-], [-CURRENT ANALYST-], [-ON-] H[-URRICANES-]' [-WIN CELEBRATION-]: '[-PEE-]-[-WEE GARBAGE STUFF-][='=]'''\ |
| 319 | '''Caption''': '''C[-RY MORE-], B[-URKE-]'''\ |
| 320 | '''Hurricanes Man''': KEEP COMING TO OUR GAMES!!! ''[as "COME TO OUR GAMES!" flashes on screen]'' |
| 321 | * Tree prepares to indulge in one of his favourite hobbies: laughing at Marc Bergevin. It doesn't quite pan out... |
| 322 | -->'''M[-ONTREAL-] C[-ANADIENS-]'''\ |
| 323 | '''UT''': Ah, the wonderful time of the year where I get to point and laugh at Bergevin. It's one of my most cherished narratives in the hockey sphere. Look at all of those terrible moves he made this off-season! Trading Galchenyuk for an unproven scorer in Max Domi, who's promptly turned into a... massive... success. But wait, there was when they undressed [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_Pacioretty Patches]] repeatedly and traded him for goddamn TomáÅ¡ Tatar!... who's returned to form... What about Jesperi Kotkaniemi, he's... showing... incredible promise. But Shea Weber and Carey Price, they can't stay healthy as they... revive as the franchise cornerstones. Doesn't mean that the Canadiens are a... fast... youthful... team fighting for... playoff contention. Did Bergevin just pull his ultimate Bergevin? Laughable move after laughable move to turn the Habs into a decent team? To the relief of haters, there are some moves he's made that are killing them. Karl Alzner has been a disaster.\ |
| 324 | '''Headline''': '''K[-ARL-] A[-LZNER CLEARS WAIVERS-], [-ASSIGNED TO THE-] L[-AVAL-] R[-OCKET-]'''\ |
| 325 | '''UT''': But I'm still interested to see how they play moving forward. The only thing missing is a really cute puppy.\ |
| 326 | '''Headline''': ''[over children cheering and footage of said really cute puppy]'' '''M[-EET-] F[-LAMBO-], [-THE-] M[-ONTREAL-] C[-ANADIENS-]' [-NEWEST-] MVP, [-OR-] M[-OST-] V[-ALUABLE-] P[-UP-]'''\ |
| 327 | '''UT''': You win this round, Marc. |
| 328 | * The Ottawa Senators have been just as big a disaster as Tree predicted, and we get several {{Call Back}}s to the pre-season video, including using the "gumball" Special Stage theme from ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog3'' as background music (switching to the Act 1 boss theme from ''VideoGame/SonicAndKnuckles'' when he points out that the Senators' first-round draft pick was traded to the Colorado Avalanche, meaning that a terrible season will not benefit them in the draft) and a reference to Pierre Dorion's notorious interview with Rogers Sportsnet's David Amber: |
| 329 | -->'''UT''': [[DamnedByFaintPraise This is a team. That is the only positive of them.]] |
| 330 | |
| 331 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NHL Western Conference: All-Star Edition]] |
| 332 | * More nicknames! The Anaheim Ducks are '''M[-AC-]_Q[-UACK.[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jxfe5O7JE8Y WAV]]-]''',[[note]]One of the recurring sound cues in Tree's videos.[[/note]] the Edmonton Oilers are '''D[-EEPWATER-] H[-ORIZON-]''', the Minnesota Wild are now the '''M[-INNESOTA-] M[-ILD-]''', and the St. Louis Blues are still '''E[-TERNAL-] P[-AIN-]'''. |
| 333 | * As with the previous NHL Western Conference Haters Guide, Tree's analysis of the Blues is justifiably pessimistic given their disastrous first half of the season, but it becomes funnier in light of their Stanley Cup triumph five months later: |
| 334 | -->'''E[-TERNAL-] P[-AIN-]'''\ |
| 335 | '''UT''': Even by Blues standards, this has been a punch to the gut. Despite their attempts to bolster the forward core with talent, the only result of such movement ''has been '''horrible paaaaaain!''''' Disappointment after disappointment littered the year with blown leads aplenty. Jake Allen is ''still'' the epitome of inconsistency, err to the side of trash. The defense is a massive dud as all physicality vanishes and Jay Bouwmeester ages by the day. Vladimir Tarasenko slumping in production when the league is becoming offensively driven.\ |
| 336 | '''Headline''': '''S[-T-]. L[-OUIS-] B[-LUES-] F[-IRE-] H[-EAD-] C[-OACH-] M[-IKE-] Y[-EO-], N[-AME-] C[-RAIG-] B[-ERUBE-] I[-NTERIM-]'''\ |
| 337 | '''UT''': Mike Yo-yo given the golden boot as coach for Craig Berube. He hasn't been able to get anything out of St. Louis besides more misery. Players openly fighting each other in practice. Rumblings of dismantling the core spread like wildfire.\ |
| 338 | '''Headlines''': '''B[-LUES-] T[-RADE-] T[-RACKER-]: W[-HO-]'[-S-] L[-IKELY TO-] L[-EAVE-]?'''\ |
| 339 | '''T[-ARASENKO ON THE-] T[-RADE-] B[-LOCK-]!?'''\ |
| 340 | '''B[-LUES-]' B[-LUE-] L[-INE-] S[-HAKEUP IS-] C[-OMING-]'''\ |
| 341 | '''UT''': Even as they are within fighting distance ''[Headline: "Berube's Blues playing well enough to make run at playoffs"]'' ''[Caption: "PROBABLY THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO THEM"]'' for the playoffs, more agony awaits with every passing day. Don't worry, Blues fans, everything is going to be okay. It's not because of Jordan Binnington's strong start in net either. ''You got a puppy.''\ |
| 342 | '''Headline''': ''[over footage of Barclay, the Labrador retriever puppy adopted by the St. Louis Blues]'' '''PUPPY PRACTICES WITH TEAM... M[-OST-] A[-DORABLE-] S[-KATE-] E[-VER-]!!!'''\ |
| 343 | '''UT''': Everything is always better with puppies, especially slow-burning tire fires.\ |
| 344 | '''Caption''': ''[as Barclay drops the hockey stick he is carrying in his mouth]'' '''H[-AD IT-]. L[-OST IT-].'''\ |
| 345 | '''UT''': That poor dog doesn't realize their pain has just begun! |
| 346 | |
| 347 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Season: American League Edition]] |
| 348 | * This time, the nicknames are in few. The Cleveland Indians are '''C[-LEVELAND-]'[-S-] D[-EAD-] W[-AHOOS-]''', the Minnesota Twins are '''T[-HE-] G[-OODWILL-] T[-WINS-]''', and the Seattle Mariners are asked '''W[-HY DON-]'[-T YOU WEAR A CUP-]?'''. |
| 349 | |
| 350 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Season: National League Edition]] |
| 351 | * Similarly, this video only has two nicknames. The Atlanta Braves are once again '''T[-HE-] T[-OMAHAWK-] C[-HOP-]''', and their division rival Philadelphia Phillies are '''N[-OT THE-] F[-LYERS-]'''. |
| 352 | * For that matter, said Phillies team last year looked like they were about to be relevant for the first time in years only to spend the entire fourth quarter of the season in complete disarray[[note]]After a very good 7-4 win against the Boston Red Sox at home, they were 66-53, but in their very next game they would lose to the New York Mets ''24-4 at home'', which they never recovered from as they proceeded to be the second worst team in the MLB in that stretch only ahead of the Baltimore Orioles. They finished 80-82 for their sixth straight losing season[[/note]]. This year, however, John Middleton spent stupid money, including getting one of the biggest prizes in free agency and have real expectations on them. And maybe they have another? |
| 353 | -->'''UT''': Last year brought about a tantalizing taste of glory's past only for it to completely collapse on a sea of awful bullpens and bats replaced with sawdust. This year, though, the Phillies are hoping that will change. The core has been loaded and supplanted with elite talent across the board. Meet the new kings of Philly: JT Realmuto, a legit bullpen arm in David Robertson, real shortstop Jean Segura, former MVP Andrew McCutchen and the grandest prize of all: Bryce Harper. ''[Headline: Bryce Harper signs 13-year, $330 million contract with Philadelphia Phillies]'' Plucked from DC for the mere price of Independence Hall and accompanying Liberty Bell. Get used to each other; it'll be a long stay. Another Fortnite late-in implosion will not be acceptable! It's playoffs or bust for these boys! Now just wait until they can get their hands on the local Mike Trout. ''[Headline: Mike Trout reaches record-breaking 12-year, $430 million extension with Angels, accompanied with [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 the Engineer's]] "NOPE!"]'' The hell you mean he's off the market?! |
| 354 | |
| 355 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2018-19 NHL Playoffs]] |
| 356 | * Nicknames are few again, with the San Jose Sharks being the '''P[-ERENNIAL-] C[-OCKTEASE-]''', the New York Islanders dubbed '''E[-GGMAN-]'[-S-] R[-EVENGE-]''', the Pittsburgh Penguins of course being '''T[-HE-] F[-UCKING-] P[-ENGUINS-]''' and the Carolina Hurricanes again are '''T[-HE-] B[-RASS-] B[-ONANZA-]'''. Each team also gets their home arena goal horn rather than a generic siren to introduce them, save for the Tampa Bay Lightning who get another thunderclap this time to salute their NHL record-tying 62-win regular season. |
| 357 | * Tree's patience with the Sharks has come to a breaking point, especially after San Jose spent the last month of the regular season in freefall, and it shows: |
| 358 | -->'''UT:''' The last thing your fans, hell ''I'', will accept is another early bow-out with this much talent. Don't you dare fucking do it. I know you want to, I know [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_DeBoer DeBoer]]'s dying to be tactically spanked again, but for the love of God, just ''don't''. I will personally hunt you all down if you fail again.... by that, [[{{Dissimile}} I mean bitch on my computer and make some passive aggressive video.]][[note]]And he did, with the Sharks' exit in the Western Conference Final prompting the creation of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCqUM9D6RRQ "An Open Letter to the San Jose Sharks"]].[[/note]] |
| 359 | * The Hurricanes segments gets an early start with the first few bars of Brass Bonanza playing at the end of the Penguins segment, and begins proper with the return of Hurricanes Man: |
| 360 | -->'''T[-HE-] B[-RASS-] B[-ONANZA-]'''\ |
| 361 | '''Hurricanes Man:''' RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRALEIGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WE'RE FINALLY BACK! A STORM SURGE IS APPROACHING THE POSTSEASON! REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE MADE IT HERE?\ |
| 362 | ''[Cut to a highlight of the Penguins beating the Hurricanes in the 2009 Eastern Conference Final]''\ |
| 363 | '''Hurricanes Man:''' ''[in a nerdy voice]'' Sorry, wrong footage.\ |
| 364 | ''[Cut to highlights of the 2018-19 Hurricanes]''\ |
| 365 | '''Hurricanes Man:''' ''[screaming again]'' THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! THE HURRICANES ARE TAKING NO PRISONERS THIS TIME AROUND! WE HAVE THINGS AGAIN! PROMISING YOUTH, STURDY DEFENSE, ADEQUATE GOALTENDING! WE'VE DEFIED EXPECTATIONS ALL YEAR LONG! JUST LOOK AT THE AAF FOR WHAT DESTRUCTION WE CAN CAUSE!\ |
| 366 | '''Headline:''' '''T[-OM-] D[-UNDON-] S[-UDDENLY-] S[-HUTS-] D[-OWN-] T[-HE-] F[-LEDGLING-] AAF'''\ |
| 367 | '''Hurricanes Man:''' FUCK PORNHUB, THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD BE COMING TO ARE OUR GAMES! |
| 368 | |
| 369 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NHL Season: Debriefing]] |
| 370 | * Nicknames as usual, and in few once again. The Buffalo Sabres are '''T[-ARO-] T[-SUJIMOTO-]'[-S-] M[-IRAGE-]''', the Florida Panthers live down to '''A[-NNUALY [SIC]-] F[-AILED-] E[-XPECTATIONS-]''' and are introduced with a cat meowing instead of a buzzer, and on the Ottawa Senators Tree wonders '''I[-S-] T[-HIS A-] T[-EAM-]?''' as he once again introduces them with a StockScream of horror, backed by the "gumball machine" Special Stage music from ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog3''. |
| 371 | |
| 372 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 Stanley Cup Final]] |
| 373 | * Would it be a Haters' Guide without nicknames? Tree tells the Winnipeg Jets that '''Y[-OU-] L[-OOK-] N[-ERVOUS-]''', the Tampa Bay Lightning fell apart over '''S[-IX-] D[-AYS IN-] A[-PRIL-]''', the New York Islanders are '''S[-CRAMBLED-] E[-GGS-]''', the San Jose Sharks are once again the '''P[-ERENNIAL-] C[-OCKTEASE-]''', and the Carolina Hurricanes are a '''F[-RONTRUNNING-] B[-UNCH OF-] J[-ERKS-]'''. Meanwhile, the two finalists are presented with their goal horns and have their goal songs ("Gloria" as covered by Laura Branigan for the Blues, "Kernkraft 400" by Zombie Nation for the Bruins) playing over their respective segments. |
| 374 | * The Tampa Bay Lightning don't get the usual discussion of their failure from Tree. Instead... |
| 375 | -->'''S[-IX-] D[-AYS IN-] A[-PRIL-]'''\ |
| 376 | '''UT''': ''(deadpan over footage of the Blue Jackets sweeping the Lightning as we hear Tree laughing uproariously in the background)'' [[https://twitter.com/TBLightning/status/1118332281825968128 We don't have any words and we know you don't want to hear them. We understand your anger, your frustration, your sadness. Everything you're feeling – we get it. This isn't the ending we imagined, and certainly not the one we wanted. Thank you for being there the entire way.]] ''([[WesternAnimation/SouthPark Mr. Kincade]] yells "You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!")''\ |
| 377 | ''(Test Pattern)''\ |
| 378 | '''Message on TV screen''': '''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons My sides died while returning to their home planet]]''' |
| 379 | * Tree kicks off his segment on the Blues by mentioning a rather... controversial culinary trend in St. Louis. |
| 380 | -->'''UT:''' Before we continue with our tale, I must run to the store for a delicious...\ |
| 381 | ''[Cuts to footage of someone bread-slicing a bagel "St. Louis style" with a ScareChord]''\ |
| 382 | '''UT:''' ''[sounding increasingly pained]'' Sliced... bagel. [[FelonyMisdemeanor I just don't understand how you could do this to a defenseless bagel, it's COMPLETELY barbaric!]] ''[normal voice]'' Alexa, play "Gloria" please. |
| 383 | * "Did you know that there are three month olds living in this world that have never experienced a Boston team win a championship? [[SarcasmMode It's a terrible thought to imagine. Who doesn't want to see them host another parade in their city]]...besides a majority of the civilized world?!" |
| 384 | |
| 385 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 NBA Finals]] |
| 386 | * Only a handful of nicknames, but still laugh-worthy. The Utah Jazz are the '''D[-EAD-] M[-ORMONS-] S[-OCIETY-]''', while the Milwaukee Bucks' collapse against the Toronto Raptors earns them the nickname '''T[-OTAL-] R[-OADKILL-]'''. And between the conference semi-finals and conference finals, Tree finds another moment to trot out '''S[-ELL THE-] T[-EAM-], D[-OLAN-]''' as he laughs at the outcome of the draft lottery. |
| 387 | * The San Antonio Spurs are trailing by four points with 15 seconds left in Game 7 against the Denver Nuggets. Comeback time, right? Well... |
| 388 | -->'''UT''': Doesn't help that [=DeRozan=] maintained his choking form from Toronto, but at least you can fight back.\ |
| 389 | ''[as the Nuggets' Nikola Jokic holds onto the ball just outside the 3-point line, the Spurs players... completely ignore him for almost six seconds. Crickets chirp in the background]''\ |
| 390 | '''UT''': ... ya gonna foul them, Spurs?! Must be nice to just lie down and die in a pivotal Game 7. |
| 391 | * The Pistons have made the playoffs. The positives end there... |
| 392 | -->'''D[-ETROIT-] P[-ISTONS-]'''\ |
| 393 | '''UT''': ''[bored]'' Oh, ''you're'' here? I'm supposed to be ''impressed'' by you making the playoffs? You know what, just go over there. There may be some wannabe relevant franchises you can talk to in the corner. Detroit can even boast about their ''[over a tweet from Stats by STATS]'' fourteen straight playoff losses?! Dear ''God'', that's depressing![[note]]Per the tweet, the Pistons set a new record for consecutive playoff losses in the NBA, and tied the 1993-2001 Los Angeles Kings for the second most consecutive playoff losses in North American sports, behind only the 1975-79 Chicago Black Hawks (who lost 16 in a row).[[/note]] |
| 394 | * The Nets are DamnedByFaintPraise as the best team in New York after a drama-laden collapse to the 76ers: |
| 395 | -->'''B[-ROOKLYN-] N[-ETS-]'''\ |
| 396 | '''UT''': I find ironic joy in the fact that the Nets, despite not having their first round pick in five years, have a stronger team than their in-city foe in the Knicks.\ |
| 397 | '''Caption''': '''S[-ELL THE TEAM-], D[-OLAN-]'''\ |
| 398 | '''UT''': Unfortunately, this means nothing as they can't compete with the Sixers despite a first game win. Everyone had a good laugh at Jared Dudley trying to size up Ben Simmons ''[Headline: Jared Dudley takes shot at 'average' Ben Simmons] [Caption: STILL A BETTER "AVERAGE" THAN DUDLEY]'' to no avail as D'Angelo Russell gets caught smuggling weed in an iced tea can.\ |
| 399 | '''Headline''': '''D'A[-NGELO-] R[-USSELL-] BUSTED FOR WEED AT AIRPORT'''\ |
| 400 | '''S[-TASHED IN-] A[-RIZONA-] T[-EA-] C[-AN-]'''\ |
| 401 | '''UT''': I guess you could call that their thought process during the last four games. Oh yeah, and there was a ref fuck-up ''[Headline: NBA: Nets' Jarrett Allen Was Fouled Late in Game 4 vs. 76ers] [Caption: "OOPS!" ~NBA]'' but that's pretty standard across every league. Maybe we should get the GM to charge into their locker room again.\ |
| 402 | '''Headline''': '''N[-ETS-] G[-ENERAL-] M[-ANAGER-] S[-EAN-] M[-ARKS-] S[-USPENDED FOR-] E[-NTERING-] R[-EFEREE-] L[-OCKER-] R[-OOM-] A[-FTER-] G[-AME-] 4''' |
| 403 | * The Knicks may not be in the playoffs, but they haven't been forgotten - though they may wish they had been... |
| 404 | -->'''S[-ELL THE-] T[-EAM-], D[-OLAN-]'''\ |
| 405 | '''UT''': ''[over footage of the 2019 NBA Draft lottery]'' Yeah, they aren't in the playoffs, doesn't mean I can't laugh at these fuckers. You remember all the talk they made about how they were going to get Zion?\ |
| 406 | '''Headline''': '''R[-EPORT-]: K[-NICKS-] M[-AY-] T[-ARGET-] A[-NTHONY-] D[-AVIS-] T[-RADE IF-] T[-HEY-] L[-AND THE-] N[-O-].1 D[-RAFT-] P[-ICK-], Z[-ION-] W[-ILLIAMSON-]'''\ |
| 407 | '''UT''': Well, if they ''didn't'' drink copious amounts of mercury and trade the No.1 pick for Anthony Davis. Fortunately, the basketball gods believe in karma.\ |
| 408 | ''[cut to the draft lottery, with the Lakers having landed the No.4 pick and the Knicks, Grizzlies, and Pelicans waiting to see who gets which of the top three picks; Deputy Commissioner Mark Tatum is preparing to announce the No.3 pick]''\ |
| 409 | '''Mark Tatum''': The third pick goes to... ''[opens envelope]'' the New York Knicks. ''["Bankrupt" siren from ''Series/WheelOfFortune'']''\ |
| 410 | '''UT''': ''[over footage of despairing crowds at Knicks watch parties while [[VideoGame/FinalFantasyX Tidus and his fake laugh]] appear bottom right]'' Just look at these reactions, man! All of their foolish ambitions just dead in an instant. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the cherry on top: guess who got the No.1 pick. THE PELICANS! ''[laughs uproariously as a clip from the ''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' episode "Homie the Clown" appears top right]''\ |
| 411 | '''Distraught Kid''': ''[watching Homer beat the Krusty Burglar bloody]'' Stop! STOP! He's already dead!\ |
| 412 | '''UT''': You were dreaming of Zion, KD, and Kyrie on the same back court, but we all know how this is going to go. You'll get Anthony Davis after a massive overpay and max contracts to, let's say... Khris Middleton and Tobias Harris.[[note]]In the end, they got none of those three players; Davis went to the Lakers, Middleton to the Bucks, and Harris to the 76ers. Instead, the Knicks pretty much went power forward crazy the next season.[[/note]] Sounds ridiculous, but this ''is'' the Knicks, they always fuck it up. ''[over footage of James Dolan]'' Sell the fucking team already, Dolan!\ |
| 413 | '''Caption''': '''I[-MAGINE BEING THIS INSECURE ABOUT YOUR GODAWFUL SPORTS FRANCHISES-]'''\ |
| 414 | '''UT''': At least you can comfort yourselves by saying you're not the Cavs, Suns, or Bulls...[[note]]Funnily enough, the Suns comparison would be made moot about a year or two later with them making it to the 2020 NBA Bubble when none of the other teams got there (albeit barely) and were perfect there (though fell short of the play-in tournament for the playoffs that year), with both the Suns and Knicks later making it to the 2021 NBA Playoffs altogether, ending their playoff droughts there.[[/note]] |
| 415 | * When Tree gets to the Finals participants, he is stunned by Toronto not choking, but noted that the Warriors would probably get their injured starters Kevin Durant and "Boogie" Cousins during the series. Tree resorts to calling on higher powers to will the Raptors to victory: |
| 416 | -->'''UT''': ''[over a hymn choir reminiscent of a religious service]'' O most heavenly guardians of the hardwood, please do not allow the Raptors to be fucked. Guide the spirit of Kawhi to exact vengeance for the curse of [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zaza_Pachulia Zaza]]. May their mascot not repeatedly faceplant on the floor throughout the series as it has always done. Let the threes drain with authority and the rebounds be plentiful. In the name of the Carter, the Drake, and the Holy [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masai_Ujiri Masai Ujiri]], amen.[[note]]Tree's prayers would eventually be answered, the Raptors won the NBA Finals in 6 games, helped by Kevin Durant injuring his Achilles during his return in Game 5 and other injuries to key players.[[/note]] |
| 417 | |
| 418 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Season: AL All-Star Edition]] |
| 419 | * Nicknames aplenty. Tree tells the Baltimore Orioles '''T[-HEY-]'[-RE A-] T[-EAM-]''', the Toronto Blue Jays are in '''R[-APTORS-] C[-OUNTRY-]''', the Detroit Tigers are an '''I[-RRELEVANT-] F[-RANCHISE-]''', the Kansas City Royals are driving in a '''M[-ILITARY-]-G[-RADE-] T[-ANK-]''', and the Minnesota Twins are yet again '''T[-HE-] G[-OODWILL-] T[-WINS-]'''. |
| 420 | * Tree spares none of his wrath from the Orioles. The comparison to the Senators is just the beginning... |
| 421 | -->'''T[-HEY-]'[-RE A-] T[-EAM-]'''\ |
| 422 | ''(Footage of a dumpster fire)''\ |
| 423 | '''Caption over footage''': '''T[-HE-] B[-ALTIMORE-] O[-RIOLES-]'''\ |
| 424 | '''2019, C[-OLORIZED-]'''\ |
| 425 | '''Announcer from "WesternAnimation/BaseballBugs"''': Oi! What a game!\ |
| 426 | ''(Footage of the conga line from "Baseball Bugs" over footage of Orioles pitchers repeatedly being blasted for homeruns)''\ |
| 427 | '''UT''': I knew you were going to be shit, but ''dear God''. Chris Davis is the least of your issues.\ |
| 428 | '''Headline''': '''C[-HRIS-] D[-AVIS SETS MARK FOR LONGEST HITLESS STREAK IN FRONT OF RECORD-]-[-LOW-] O[-RIOLES CROWD-]'''\ |
| 429 | '''UT''': You're not only on pace to set the record for most home runs given up, you're going to ''shatter'' it.\ |
| 430 | '''Headline''': '''O[-RIOLES-] P[-ITCHING-] S[-TAFF-] F[-ASTES TO-] G[-IVE-] U[-P-] 100 H[-OME-] R[-UNS IN-] MLB H[-ISTORY-]'''\ |
| 431 | '''UT''': Are you guys even trying at this point? |
| 432 | |
| 433 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Season: NL All-Star Edition]] |
| 434 | * Nicknames? Of course! The Atlanta Braves are once again '''T[-HE-] T[-OMAHAWK-] C[-HOP-]''', the New York Mets are '''LOLM[-ETS-]''' once again, the Philadelphia Phillies are the '''B[-ROKEN-] L[-IBERTY-] B[-ELL-]''', and the Chicago Cubs are told '''N[-O-], C[-UBS-], N[-O-]'''. |
| 435 | * Tree's scorn for the Mets goes beyond the title card; he brings back Mets Man to laugh at their top-to-bottom misfortune: |
| 436 | -->'''LOLM[-ETS-]'''\ |
| 437 | '''Mets Man''': ''[with "Meet the Mets" playing in the background]'' Even after a glorious celebration of our finest achievement of the 21st century, [=LOLMets=] ''never'' takes a day off! Every day brings new adventures to our eternally grateful fans! Over twenty blown leads by our bullpen, wasted talent throughout the roster, and - oh, that Robinson Canó!\ |
| 438 | '''Headline''': '''R[-OBINSON-] C[-ANO EXPLAINS BLATANTLY NOT TRYING WITH EXCUSES-], [-NO APOLOGY-]'''\ |
| 439 | '''Mets Man''': ''[over footage of a fire breaking out at the St. Lucie Mets' 4 July fireworks display]'' We start the failure out early in our developmental cycle as well! Look at how our minor league affiliate botches fireworks to cause a four-alarm shitshow!\ |
| 440 | '''Headline''': '''F[-IRE-] B[-REAKS-] O[-UT AT-] S[-T-]. L[-UCIE-] M[-ETS-]' S[-TADIUM-] A[-FTER-] F[-OURTH OF-] J[-ULY-] F[-IREWORKS-]'''\ |
| 441 | '''Caption''': ''[Windows 95 "Ta-da!" sound]'' '''F[-RED-] C[-OUPON-] A[-PPROVED-]!'''\ |
| 442 | '''Mets Man''': Another successful Metting! Our newest promotion: Collapse Night! Every time our wonderful bullpen falls apart on itself, our GM will throw a chair at you while glued to your seat!\ |
| 443 | '''Headline''': '''R[-EPORT-]: M[-ETS-]' B[-RODE-] V[-AN-] W[-EGENEN-] T[-HREW-] C[-HAIR-] D[-URING-] H[-EATED-] M[-EETING WITH-] C[-OACHES-]'''\ |
| 444 | '''Mets Man''': We'd allow you to move, but then you'd hit that chair for a two-run double! ''[over footage of the Home Run Derby]'' At least Peter Alonso won the Derby? Hey, they won something, unlike the Knicks! |
| 445 | |
| 446 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 NFL Season: AFC Edition]] |
| 447 | * Nicknames, nicknames, nicknames! The Pittsburgh Steelers present '''D[-ILEMMAS IN-] Y[-INZERLAND-]''', the Indianapolis Colts are a '''F[-RANCHISE-] QB G[-RAVEYARD-]''' (and their logo, kept still and slowly expanding as opposed to shaking around, is accompanied with a booming sound instead of linemen colliding) in a nod to the premature demise of Andrew Luck's career, Tree quotes Rams' defensive end Michael Brockers to say of the Los Angeles Chargers that '''I S[-TILL-] T[-HINK-] T[-HEY-]'[-RE IN-] S[-AN-] D[-IEGO-]''', and the soon-to-be ex-Oakland Raiders are '''P[-INING FOR-] L[-AS-] V[-EGAS-]...''' |
| 448 | |
| 449 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 NFL Season: NFC Edition]] |
| 450 | * Only a few nicknames, but still a source of mirth; the Washington Redskins are '''P[-ROOF-] T[-HAT-] K[-ARMA-] E[-XISTS-]''', the Chicago Bears are ruing their '''43-Y[-ARD-] F[-IELD-] G[-OAL-] A[-TTEMPTS-]''', and the New Orleans Saints are feeling '''V[-ICTIMHOOD IN-] N[-EW-] O[-RLEANS-]'''. |
| 451 | |
| 452 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Postseason]] |
| 453 | * The nicknames return in force, as the New York Yankees are '''S[-AVAGES IN THE-] B[-OX-]''', the Minnesota Twins are '''T[-HE-] B[-OMBA-] S[-QUAD-]''', the Tampa Bay Rays are dubbed '''T[-HE-] I[-SLAND OF-] M[-ISFIT-] T[-OYS-]''', the Atlanta Braves are once again '''T[-HE-] T[-OMAHAWK-] C[-HOP-]''', and the Washington Nationals are '''T[-HE-] U[-NCURSED-] N[-ATIONALS-]'''. |
| 454 | |
| 455 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NHL Season: Eastern Conference Edition]] |
| 456 | * Ten of sixteen teams get snarky nicknames this time; the Boston Bruins are led by '''C[-RYING-] B[-RAD-] M[-ARCHAND-]''', the Carolina Hurricanes are '''A B[-UNCH OF-] J[-ERKS-]''', the Detroit Red Wings are '''S[-OMEHOW-] N[-OT-] D[-EAD-] W[-INGS-]''', the Florida Panthers are likened to '''S[-ISYPHUS AND THE-] B[-OULDER-]''', the Montreal Canadiens are part of '''B[-ERGEVIN-]'[-S-] 8-D C[-HESS-]''', the New York Rangers say that at least '''W[-E-] A[-REN-]'[-T THE-] K[-NICKS-]?''', the Ottawa Senators are '''*T[-ITLE-] R[-EDACTED TO-] S[-AVE-] M[-ELNYK-] M[-ONEY-]*''', the Pittsburgh Penguins are '''H[-ANS-] M[-OLEMAN-]'[-S-] S[-EPTAGENARIAN-] C[-RISIS-]''', the Tampa Bay Lightning are told '''Y[-OU-]'[-RE-] D[-EAD TO-] M[-E-]''', and the Toronto Maple Leafs are '''B[-OSTON-] S[-TRONGED-]'''. |
| 457 | |
| 458 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NHL Season: Western Conference Edition]] |
| 459 | * More snarky nicknames! The Anaheim Ducks are a '''C[-HINESE-] D[-UCK-] M[-ARKET-]''', the Arizona Coyotes are '''P[-ARCHED IN THE-] D[-ESERT-]''', the Los Angeles Kings are suffering '''G[-RADUAL-] R[-EGICIDE-]''', the Minnesota Wild are '''T[-HE-] M[-INNESOTA-] S[-PORTS-] S[-TEREOTYPE-]''', and the San Jose Sharks are told '''D[-ON-]'[-T-] C[-RY FOR-] M[-E-], P[-AVELSKI-]'''. |
| 460 | |
| 461 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 World Series]] |
| 462 | * More nicknames - the Minnesota Twins are '''P[-ROPERTY OF THE-] N[-EW-] Y[-ORK-] Y[-ANKEES-]''', the Los Angeles Dodgers collapsed across '''S[-EVEN-] D[-AYS IN-] O[-CTOBER-]''' and the Atlanta Braves are '''T[-HE-] T[-OMAHAWK-] C[-RATER-]''' in reference to them giving up 10 runs in ''the top of the first inning'' and losing 13-1 in game 5 in the NLDS against the Cardinals. |
| 463 | * Tree introduces the National League's contender for the World Series with another reference to ''Film/GroundhogDay'', showing a scene where the radio plays "I Got You Babe"... followed by Phil smashing the radio. |
| 464 | --> '''UT''': The Washington Nationals have made the World Series. [[SarcasmMode Exactly as everyone in baseball had foreseen.]] |
| 465 | |
| 466 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NBA Season]] |
| 467 | * Nicknames? But of course! The Charlotte Hornets are once again '''T[-HE-] C[-RYING-] J[-ORDANS-]''', the Cleveland Cavaliers are '''T[-HE-] M[-ISTAKE BY THE-] L[-AKE-]''', the Detroit Pistons are an '''I[-NTERCHANGEABLE-] D[-ETROIT-] F[-RANCHISE-]''', the Golden State Warriors are the '''A[-BANDONED-] B[-ANDWAGON-]''', the Houston Rockets are '''N[-OT A-] P[-OLITICAL-] T[-EAM-]''', the Minnesota Timberwolves are '''T[-HE-] M[-INNESOTA-] T[-IMBERBULLS-]''', the New York Knicks are inevitably told to '''S[-ELL THE-] T[-EAM-], D[-OLAN-]''', the Oklahoma City Thunder's misfortunes cause '''L[-AUGHING IN-] S[-EATTLE-]''', Tree tells the Phoenix Suns to '''S[-ELL THE-] T[-EAM-], S[-ARVER-]''', and the Utah Jazz play in '''T[-HE-] L[-AND OF-] M[-ORMONS-]'''. |
| 468 | * With the collapse of the Golden State Warriors' superteam, Tree gleefully revels in the NBA's newfound sense of parity. Except for the Atlanta Hawks... |
| 469 | -->'''UT''': [[CallBack You're still building out of being fucked.]] You have permission to watch old ass Vince Carter for the ten minutes he plays a game. |
| 470 | |
| 471 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Season: Debriefing]] |
| 472 | * Despite this one coming well after the World Series was finished, there were still nicknames galore. The Baltimore Orioles are on the receiving end of '''W[-HAM-], [-A-] H[-OMAH-]!''', the Cleveland Indians are haunted by '''T[-HE-] G[-HOST OF-] C[-HIEF-] W[-AHOO-]''', both the Detroit Tigers and Pittsburgh Pirates are '''I[-RRELEVANT-] F[-RANCHISE-]''', the New York Mets are eternally '''LOLM[-ETS-]''', the Philadelphia Phillies are '''P[-HILADELPHIA-]'[-S-] N[-EW-] D[-REAM-] T[-EAM-]''', the Chicago Cubs believe '''E[-VERY-] G[-AME-] M[-ATTERS-]''', the Colorado Rockies are '''D[-EAD-] H[-UMIDORS-]''', and the San Francisco Giants are '''O[-L-]' Y[-ELLER-]: T[-HE-] T[-EAM-]'''. |
| 473 | * On that note, when he gets to the Giants, he gives them a sentimental piece knowing that although they could be facing a bleak future, they can give Bruce Bochy a good sendoff after leading them to three World Series titles and 2,000 career wins, knowing he can take his well deserved place in Cooperstown...and then the mood is ruined when he concludes by getting to the fact that they hired ''Gabe Kapler'' after he was terminated from the Phillies following his ugly two years there. |
| 474 | [[/folder]] |
| 475 | |
| 476 | [[folder:2020 Haters Guides]] |
| 477 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2020 NFL Playoffs]] |
| 478 | * The nicknames continue, with the Tennessee Titans [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roentgen_(unit) measuring]] at '''3.6 R[-OENTGEN-]''', the Houston Texans pegged for a '''Q[-UALITY-] P[-LAYOFF-] L[-OSS-]''', the New England Patriots '''N[-EED-] M[-ORE-] F[-ILMING-] D[-EVICES-]''', and the Philadelphia Eagles are an '''E[-NDANGERED-] S[-PECIES-]'''. In addition, the Minnesota Vikings are given a sound of a horn replacing the typical linemen crunch, and the Eagles are introduced by the cry of an eagle. |
| 479 | * While going over the Saints, footage of one of their games against the Buccaneers - specifically, a Marcus Williams interception of a Jameis Winston pass. As is per [[RunningGag tradition]] for Tree, the Winston interception is punctuated by the ding of a kitchen timer going off. |
| 480 | |
| 481 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 54]] |
| 482 | * Nicknames, nicknames, nicknames -- this time, every team eliminated in the playoffs gets one. The Buffalo Bills are '''O[-FFENSE-] N[-OT-] I[-NCLUDED-]''', the New England Patriots are '''A F[-ADING-] E[-MPIRE-]?''', the Philadelphia Eagles are '''E[-XTINCT-]''', the New Orleans Saints '''B[-LEW-] D[-AT-]''', the Houston Texans are told to '''F[-IRE-] B[-ILL-] O'B[-RIEN-]''', the Baltimore Ravens are '''S[-IXTY-] M[-INUTES IN-] J[-ANUARY-]''', the Minnesota Vikings suffer '''T[-HE-] T[-YPICAL-] E[-NDING-]''', the Seattle Seahawks are '''L[-IFELESS IN-] L[-AMBEAU-]''', the Tennessee Titans had '''A D[-ETHRONED-] K[-ING-]''', and the Green Bay Packers are '''F[-RAUDS-]'''. |
| 483 | * When the 49ers were discussed, footage of a Jameis Winston interception is shown, and another kitchen timer goes off as the ball is picked. And then another Winston interception is shown (this time when discussing Richard Sherman) and another kitchen timer goes off. |
| 484 | |
| 485 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019 NFL Season: Debriefing]] |
| 486 | * Another bonanza of nicknames! The Miami Dolphins are reduced to '''S[-MOLDERING-] P[-ANZERS-]''', the Cincinnati Bengals have to face the fact that '''M[-IKE-] B[-ROWN IS-] S[-TILL-] A[-LIVE-]''' (and, as usual, are accompanied by "Gwyn, Lord of Cinder" from ''VideoGame/DarkSouls''), the Pittsburgh Steelers are now undergoing '''D[-AYS OF-] O[-UR-] C[-HEMO-]''', the Jacksonville Jaguars are '''S[-ACKEDSONVILLE-]''', the Denver Broncos are stuck in '''A W[-ORLD OF-] S[-UCK-]''', the Los Angeles Chargers are enduring a '''S[-ILENT-] C[-OUNT TO-] D[-EATH-]''', the departure of the Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas means '''Y[-OU-]'[-RE-] F[-REE-] N[-OW-], O[-AKLAND-]''', the Dallas Cowboys are caught up in '''J[-ERRY-]'[-S-] W[-ILD-] E[-GO-] T[-RIP-]''', the Detroit Lions suffer because '''G[-OD-] H[-ATES-] D[-ETROIT-]''', and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have shelves full of '''B[-URNT-] P[-ASTRIES-]''' (cue many kitchen timers going off over a montage of Jameis Winston turnovers). |
| 487 | |
| 488 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NHL Eastern Conference: All-Star Edition]] |
| 489 | * You guessed it: even more nicknames! For this go-round, the Columbus Blue Jackets are asked '''W[-HY-] W[-ON-]'[-T-] Y[-OU-] D[-IE-]?''', the Detroit Red Wings are back to being '''T[-HE-] D[-EAD-] T[-HINGS-]''', the Montreal Canadiens are the embodiment of '''B[-ERGEVIN-]'[-S-] Q[-UANDARY-]''', the New York Rangers are saying '''S[-ELL THE-] T[-EAM-], D[-OLAN-]?''', the Ottawa Senators are '''M[-ELNYK-]'[-S-] B[-ARGAIN-] B[-IN-]''', and the Toronto Maple Leafs are suffering '''D[-EATH BY-] S[-HANAPLAN-]'''. |
| 490 | * Hurricanes Man returns for a brief but no less triumphant moment. |
| 491 | -->'''Hurricanes Man:''' HEY LOOK, EVERYONE, JUSTIN WILLIAMS IS BACK! WE'RE GOING TO THE GODDAMNED CUP FINALS OR WE'LL DIE TRYIIIIING!!! |
| 492 | * As Tree covers the New Jersey Devils, a shot of their former head coach John Hynes is accompanied by [[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants a chorus of "BALD!" chants]]. |
| 493 | * For the Red Wings, Tree shows them no mercy for their disastrous season: |
| 494 | -->'''UT''': You’re dead. Your friends are dead. Your family is dead. Everyone you have ever known is dead. Your future generations will be dead. Everything is fucked. Welcome to rock bottom. Good luck, Stevie. |
| 495 | |
| 496 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NHL Western Conference: All-Star Edition]] |
| 497 | * New video, more nicknames. The Arizona Coyotes might have found '''A[-N-] O[-ASIS-]?''', the Chicago Blackhawks are on a '''Q[-UEST FOR A-] F[-IRST-] R[-OUND-] E[-XIT-]''', the Minnesota Wild are stuck in '''G[-ROUNDHOG-] D[-AY-]''', Tree lets the San Jose Sharks know that '''I H[-ATE-] Y[-OU-]''', and the Vegas Golden Knights went '''A[-LL IN ON-] P[-OCKET-] T[-ENS-]'''. |
| 498 | * The [[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants "BALD!" chants]] follow John Hynes over to his hiring by the Nashville Predators, and his appearance in that segment lasts long enough to include the "MY EYES!" from the end of it this time. |
| 499 | |
| 500 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NHL Season: Debriefing]] |
| 501 | * The expanded NHL playoffs may have cut down the number of featured teams, but it means everybody gets a nickname instead. The Anaheim Ducks are lamented but '''A[-T-] L[-EAST-] T[-HEY-] W[-ERE-] D[-ELICIOUS-]''', the Buffalo Sabres' last minute front office house cleaning is an '''IRL O[-REGON-] T[-RAIL-] H[-UNT-]''', the snapshot of the Detroit Red Wings' current era of darkness is captioned '''N[-OT-] P[-ICTURED-]: N[-ED-] H[-ARKNESS-]''', the Los Angeles Kings are still dealing with '''R[-EGICIDE-]''', Devils GM Ray '''S[-HERO-] F[-IDDLES-] W[-HILE-] N[-EW-] J[-ERSEY-] B[-URNS-]''', owner Eugene Melnyk's tampering with the Ottawa Senators' charity arm results in '''*T[-ITLE-] E[-MBEZZLED-], M[-ISSING-] F[-UNDS-]*''' and the San Jose Sharks are firmly stuck in '''T[-HE-] W[-ASTELAND OF-] E[-IGHT-]-Y[-EAR-] C[-ONTRACTS-]'''. |
| 502 | * John Hynes makes an appearance in the Devils segment and [[RunningGag once again]], it is accompanied by [[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants the "BALD!" chants]]. |
| 503 | |
| 504 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2020 NHL Playoffs: Play-In Edition]] |
| 505 | * One-third of the 24 teams got nicknames; the Arizona Coyotes are '''T[-HE-] L[-OLCOW IN THE-] D[-ESERT-]''', the Minnesota Wild are '''H[-OPELESSNESS-] P[-ERSONIFIED-]''', the Calgary Flames are told to '''L[-ET IT-] B[-URN-], B[-ABY-]''', the Nashville Predators have been '''C[-ATFISHING FOR-] L[-OVE-]''', the Edmonton Oilers may or may not have '''H[-OME-] I[-CE-] A[-DVANTAGE-]?''', the Montreal Canadiens '''R[-OLLED-] 10 L[-UCK ON THE-] D[-ICE-]''', the Toronto Maple Leafs are told '''F[-UCK-] G[-ORDON-] S[-TUCKLESS-]''', and the Tampa Bay Lightning died the previous year of '''A[-UTOEROTIC-] A[-SPHYXIATION-]'''. |
| 506 | |
| 507 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2020 NFL Season: AFC Edition]] |
| 508 | * More football, more nicknames! For the Miami Dolphins he states '''W[-HO CARES THE-] H[-EAT ARE GOOD-]''', the New England Patriots wear '''T[-ATTERED-] H[-OODIES-]''', the Cleveland Browns revolve in '''J[-IMMY-]'[-S-] P[-ERPETUAL-] C[-YCLE-]''', the Jacksonville Jaguars have been '''S[-ELLING-] O[-FF-] P[-ARTS OF THE-] T[-ANK-]''', the Denver Broncos are '''H[-OPING TO-] R[-ETIRE TO-] S[-TUD-]''', the Kansas City Chiefs have '''T[-RANSCENDENT-] C[-APOLOGY-]''', the Raiders moving to Las Vegas means '''RIP O[-AKLAND-]''', and despite the Chargers being in Los Angeles, he thinks '''E[-VERYONE-] W[-ILL-] S[-TILL-] C[-ALL-] T[-HEM THE-] S[-AN-] D[-IEGO-] C[-HARGERS-]'''. |
| 509 | |
| 510 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2020 NFL Season: NFC Edition]] |
| 511 | * Yet another helping of nicknames. He asks the Philadelphia Eagles '''W[-HAT DID YOU SELL FOR THAT-] S[-UPER-] B[-OWL-]?''', the Chicago Bears are the remnants of '''R[-YAN-] P[-ACE-]'[-S-] C[-RUMBLING-] D[-REAMS-]''', the Detroit Lions are '''T[-HE-] E[-DSELS-]''', the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are making '''F[-ORCED PUNS IN-] T[-OMPA-] B[-AY-]''', he criticizes the Los Angeles Rams stating that '''T[-HIS LOGO IS AWFUL-]''', and the San Francisco 49ers are a '''M[-ASS-] T[-RIAGE-] U[-NIT-]'''. |
| 512 | |
| 513 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2020 NBA Finals]] |
| 514 | * Everybody gets one here! The Portland Trail Blazers are '''T[-HE-] M[-ERRY-] B[-AND OF-] Y[-OU-]'[-RE-] F[-UCKED-]''', with how the Oklahoma City Thunder surged midway through the season he wonders if '''T[-HEY OVERACHIEVED THIS YEAR-]?''', the Dallas Mavericks have been '''E[-UROSTASH-]'[-D-]''', the Utah Jazz face '''J[-OSEPH-] S[-MITH-]'[-S-] W[-RATH-]''', the Orlando Magic, playing in Orlando, have '''H[-OME FIELD ADVANTAGE-]?''', the Brooklyn Nets don't get one because '''T[-HIS TEXT WAS INJURED-]''', the Philadelphia 76ers were destroyed amidst the process and are '''W[-ALLOWING IN SELF-]-[-PITY-]''', the Indiana Pacers must ask '''W[-HAT IS PLAYOFF PERFORMANCE-]?''', the Houston Rockets faced a '''S[-TEPBACK INTO A BUBBLE VIOLATION-]''', the Los Angeles Clippers' horrifying collapse earns them the name of '''P[-ANDEMIC-] P [-AND THE-] C[-HOKING-] LAC'[-S-]''', another destruction from the Milwaukee Bucks leaves them as '''R[-OADKILL-]''', he asks the Toronto Raptors '''I[-S THAT-] P[-ATRICE-] B[-ERGERON-]?''', the Denver Nuggets leave him DamnedByFaintPraise because '''A[-T LEAST YOU BEAT THE-] C[-LIPPERS-]?''', and the Boston Celtics '''L[-AUGHS IN-] B[-ILLY-] K[-ING-]'''. |
| 515 | [[/folder]] |
| 516 | |
| 517 | [[folder:2021 Haters Guides]] |
| 518 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 NFL Playoffs]] |
| 519 | * The expansion of the NFL playoffs means more opportunities for nicknames. As a result of the Cleveland Browns making their first playoff appearance in almost two decades, Tree asks '''W[-HO-] A[-LLOWED-] T[-HEM-] [-IN-] H[-ERE-]?''', the Baltimore Ravens hit their stride as the result of Lamar Jackson '''P[-OOING-] [-IN-] [-THE-] L[-OO-]''', he asks about the Pittsburgh Steelers '''S[-HOULD-] I D[-ANCE-] [-ON-] [-THE-] L[-OGO-]?''', the Buffalo Bills' regular season success has resulted in '''T[-HE-] G[-ENOCIDE-] [-OF-] T[-ABLES-]''', the Chicago Bears are in '''V[-IRGINIA-] M[-C-]C[-ASKEY-]'[-S-] N[-EATHERREALM-]''', he says about the Los Angeles Rams '''T[-HIS-] L[-OGO-] I[-S-] S[-TILL-] T[-ERRIBLE-]''', the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' playoff appearance has resulted in a '''J[-EALOUS-] B[-ILL-] B[-ELICHICK-]''', the Washington Football Team is '''T[-HE-] N[-AME-] R[-EDACTED-]''', and the Seattle Seahawks' play has resulted in '''M[-YOCARDIAL-] I[-NFARCTIONS-]'''. |
| 520 | |
| 521 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 NHL Season]] |
| 522 | * Tree gives 12 out of 31 teams nicknames. The Arizona Coyotes are the '''A[-NALYTICAL-] F[-OOL-]'[-S-] G[-OLD-]''', the departures of Zdeno Chara and Torey Krug have resulted in the Boston Bruins dealing with '''D[-ELICIOUS-] B[-EANTOWN-] S[-ALT-]''', he states to the Buffalo Sabres that '''A[-T-] L[-EAST THE-] B[-ILLS-] A[-RE-] G[-OOD-]?''', the Detroit Red Wings have reached '''R[-OCK-] B[-OTTOM-]''', the Florida Panthers are '''T[-HE-] T[-EAM-] Y[-OU-] F[-OREGET-] E[-XISTS-]''', the Montreal Canadiens' unlikely playoff run last year has made them say '''V[-IVA-] L[-ES-] C[-ANADIENS-]?''', he tells the New York Rangers to '''H[-AVE-] F[-UN-] W[-ITH-] J[-ACK-] J[-OHNSON-]''', the Ottawa Senators' spending spree in the offseason have created '''A[-DVENTURES-] N[-EAR THE-] C[-AP-] F[-LOOR-]''', the San Jose Sharks are '''N[-OW-] E[-XILED-] F[-ROM-] S[-AN-] J[-OSE-]''' due to the COVID-19 restrictions in their home county, the Tampa Bay Lightning's Stanley Cup victory resulted in Tree sadly saying '''I S[-TILL-] M[-ISS THE-] M[-EMES-] D[-AMNIT-]''', the Vegas Golden Knights are '''P[-ROFESSIONAL-] C[-HIRPERS-]''', and the Winnipeg Jets are '''N[-OT THE-] W[-ORST-] T[-EAM-] N[-AMED THE-] J[-ETS-].''' |
| 523 | |
| 524 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 55]] |
| 525 | * Every team eliminated in the playoffs gets one. The Indianapolis Colts are '''T[-HE-] L[-OST-] H[-ORSESHOE-]''', the Tennessee Titans are '''C[-HOKING-] O[-N A-] G[-RAPE-]''', the Pittsburgh Steelers are referred to as '''N[-AMELESS-] G[-RAY-] F[-ACES-]''', the Chicago Bears' poor playoff performance has had Tree say '''I'D R[-ATHER-] S[-EE THE-] C[-ARDINALS-]''', the Washington Football Team is once again '''T[-HE-] N[-AME-] R[-EDACTED-]''', the Seattle Seahawks are a '''T[-EAM-] D[-YING IN THE-] W[-INDOW-]''', the Baltimore Ravens are '''A[-UDIBLE TO-] H1N1''', the Cleveland Browns' playoff win over the Steelers have resulted in '''A[-NOTHER-] F[-ACTORY-] S[-HUT-] D[-OWN-]''', he once again says about the Los Angeles Rams '''T[-HIS-] L[-OGO-] I[-S-] S[-TILL-] T[-ERRIBLE-]''', the New Orleans Saints '''B[-LEW-] D[-AT-]...P[-ERENNIALLY-]''', '''M[-ARV-] L[-EVY-] S[-HEDS A-] T[-EAR-]''' for the Buffalo Bills' deep playoff run, and the Green Bay Packers are an '''E[-CONOMIC-] J[-IHAD-].''' |
| 526 | |
| 527 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2020 NFL Season: Debriefing]] |
| 528 | * Eight out of the the eighteen non-playoff teams have been given nicknames. The New York Jets are '''L[-OLJETS-]''', the Cincinnati Bengals are doing the usual '''B[-UNGLING OF THE-] F[-RANCHISE-]''', the Chargers may be in Los Angeles but Tree said '''T[-HEY-] S[-HOULD-] S[-TILL-] B[-E-] I[-N-] S[-AN-] D[-IEGO-]''', the Philadelphia Eagles firing of Doug Pederson have resulted in '''P[-HILLY-]'[-S-] O[-THER-] S[-PECIAL-]''', the Detroit Lions are an '''I[-RRELEVANT-] F[-RANCHISE-]''', in regards to the Atlanta Falcons in blowing multiple double-digit leads Tree thinks that '''S[-OME-] T[-EAMS-] W[-ANT TO-] W[-ATCH-] I[-T-] B[-URN-]''', the Arizona Cardinals are the '''T[-EXAS-] T[-ECH-] R[-ED-] R[-AIDERS-]''', and with all the injuries the San Francisco 49ers have dealt with throughout their season he's surprised about '''H[-OW-] I[-S THE-] L[-OGO-] N[-OT-] I[-NJURED-]?''' |
| 529 | ** The Houston Texans segment is mostly silent, instead consisting of a montage of Texans fail headlines set to Tuba Smarties. |
| 530 | ** In accordance with the nickname, the Atlanta Falcons feature Joker descending into madness as clips of their many blown leads are shown. |
| 531 | |
| 532 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 MLB Season]] |
| 533 | * Once again some teams were given nicknames. The Toronto Blue Jays were playing in the US for so long they're '''L[-ONGING FOR-] C[-ANADA-]''', Tony [=LaRussa's=] offseason incident did no favors for the '''C[-HICACO-] DUI S[-OX-]''', "'''S[-ELL THE TEAM-], D[-OLAN-]'''" is Tree's demand for the Cleveland Indians, the Detroit Tigers' woes were '''T[-HE-] B[-ANE OF-] I[-LITCH-]''', The Kansas City Royals ask '''R[-EMEMBER 2015-]?''', the Los Angeles Angels need to '''S[-AVE THE-] T[-ROUT-]''', the Seattle Mariners' CEO's disparaging comments were such he was asked to '''T[-RANSLATE UNEMPLOYMENT-]''', the New York Mets' woes led to the formation of '''LOLM[-ETS-] A[-NONYMOUS-]''', Tree is still embarrassed for his hometown Pirates that he asked '''I[-S-] R[-OGER REALLY JOLLY-]?''', '''T[-HE [[Literature/OliverTwist ARTFUL]]-] D[-ODGERS-]''' were basking in their postseason success, and the San Diego Padres are still '''K[-EEPING UP WITH THE-] J[-ONESES-]'''. |
| 534 | * When going over the LA Angels: |
| 535 | -->'''UT''': Oh, and before I forget, they have a legend on the coaching staff now: '''DICK. PIC. MICK!''''' [{{beat}}, with a headline about pitching coach Mickey Callaway being suspended in the wake of unwelcome behavior]'' Yeah, it doesn't have the same feeling. |
| 536 | |
| 537 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 NHL Playoffs]] |
| 538 | * Nicknames? Nicknames. The Washington Capitals are '''I[-N THE POCKETS OF-] G[-EORGE-] P[-ARROS-]'''[[note]]The NHL's head of player safety[[/note]] due to the antics of Tom Wilson, Tree jokes that the Nashville Predators '''N[-O, THEY WON'T [[{{Series/DatelineNBC}} TAKE A SEAT]]-]''' after bouncing back from their dismal start, the Tampa Bay Lightning's continued success causes Tree to wistfully note '''I [-STILL MISS THE MEMES-]''' from their collapse in 2019, '''L[-E CONFLIT DES-] C[-ANADIENS-]'''[[note]]"The conflict of the Canadiens"[[/note]] stems from Montreal's mixed regular season performance, the Winnipeg Jets are '''D[-OWNED MILITARY AIRCRAFT-]''' due to their late-season collapse, the Edmonton Oilers become '''M[-IKE-] S[-MITH'S-] M[-AKE-A--]W[-ISH CAMPAIGN-]''', '''T[-HE MARCH OF THE-] L[-EAFS FAN-]''' begins in earnest with Toronto winning the North Division, the Minnesota Wild's promise has Tree question '''D[-ID-] C[-HARLIE-] B[-ROWN [[{{ComicStrip/Peanuts}} KICK THE FOOTBALL]]-]?''', and Tree asks the Vegas Golden Knights '''H[-OW THE FUCK DID YOU BLOW THE DIVISION LEAD-]?'''. |
| 539 | |
| 540 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 NHL Season: Debriefing]] |
| 541 | * Bring on the nicknames! The Buffalo Sabres' dreadful season has Tree asking '''W[-HERE'S-] K[-IM?-]''', the New York Rangers are not exactly having '''F[-UN-] W[-ITH-] J[-AMES-] D[-OLAN-]''', the Philadelphia Flyers' big time failure after preseason speculation of legit Cup contention has him doing an [[Series/ItsAlwaysSunnyInPhiladelphia Always Sunny]] take as '''T[-HE-] G[-ANG-] E[-XPERIENCES-] E[-XISTENTIAL-] D[-READ-]''', Tree requests the Chicago Blackhawks '''R[-EPORT-] T[-O-] T[-SAR-] B[-OWMAN-]''', after the Dallas Stars go from making the finals the past season to not making the playoffs at all thanks in part to injuries they're an '''I[-NFIRMARY-] W[-ARD-]''', he asks the Ottawa Senators if they have a '''B[-ETTER-] F[-UTURE-] T[-HAN-] T[-RUDEADU?-]''', the Vancouver Canucks are facing a '''J[-ULY-] 1[-ST-]: D[-AY-] O[-F-] R[-ECKONING-]''', the Anaheim Ducks have '''O[-RGANIZATIONAL-] S[-HOVELWARE!-]''', and the San Jose Sharks are '''H[-OCKEY-]'[-S-] "J[-AWS-] 3[-D-]"'''. |
| 542 | |
| 543 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 Stanley Cup Finals]] |
| 544 | * More nicknames! The St. Louis Blues have '''D[-EAD-] G[-LORIA-]''', the Toronto Maple Leafs have '''B[-ALLARD'S-] D[-ELIGHT-]''', the Washington Capitals got '''at[-TREE-] C[-HOOSES-] V[-IOLENCE-]''', the Pittsburgh Penguins are now asking '''W[-HEN's-] G[-ARBAGE-] D[-AY-]?'''[[note]]The nicknaming didn't stop at just the team, as he referred to maligned goalie Tristan Jarry as Martin Fauxdeur.[[/note]] while the Florida Panthers wonder '''I[-S-] I[-T-] R[-EALLY-] S[-UNRISE-]?''', the Boston Bruins got '''[[Film/TheBoondockSaints SAINTS AREN'T IN BOONDOCK]]''', the Carolina Hurricanes thought '''B[-UT-] T[-HEY-] W[-ENT-] T[-O-] O[-UR-] G[-AMES-]...''', the Vegas Golden Knights had a '''F[-AILED-] C[-RUSADE-]''', and the New York Islanders had '''[[Trivia/HumptyDumpty ALL THE KING'S MEN]]...''' |
| 545 | |
| 546 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 NBA Finals]] |
| 547 | * Before even starting this video, he lampshades the fact that he's doing a video for the NBA in the 2020-21 season at all by saying this... |
| 548 | -->'''UT''': [[MemeticMutation A basketball vid? On this channel?]] [[SarcasmMode Run for the hills!]] Dead serious, [[TemptingFate nothing good ever comes out of these.]] |
| 549 | * Even the NBA is going to get them nicknames by the time we got to this point for the season! Including the teams that were in the play-in tournament (an expanded idea for teams to compete in the NBA Playoffs back in the 2020 NBA Bubble that now allows for 9th place and 10th place teams to compete for a shot at the NBA Playoffs themselves after previously having it work for only the 8th place and 9th place teams to compete for a game or two), the San Antonio Spurs are now '''P[-OP'S-] F[-OSSIL-]''', the Golden State Warriors are an '''A[-BANDONED-] B[-ANDWAGON-]''', the Dallas Mavericks are '''C[-UBAN'S-] C[-IGAR-] B[-URN-]''', the Portland Trail Blazers got '''D[-AME'S-] B[-ROKEN-] B[-ACK-]''', the New York Knicks still got the demand of '''S[-ELL-] T[-HE-] T[-EAM-], D[-OLAN-]''', while the Boston Celtics are pondering to themselves '''W[-AS-] K[-YRIE-] R[-EALLY-] T[-HE-] I[-SSUE-]?''', the Utah Jazz now need to '''F[-REE-] D[-ONOVAN-] M[-ITCHELL-]''', the Brooklyn Nets face the '''W[-RATH-] O[-F-] P[-ROKHOROV-]''', and the Philadelphia 76ers have '''W[-HACK-A--]H[-AS--]B[-EN-]'''. |
| 550 | ** Speaking of which, his brief coverage of the San Antonio Spurs after he gave his own take on the play-in tournament setting. |
| 551 | --->'''UT''': Well, who's up for a mocking? San Antonio? Oh, [[MemeticMutation they're already dead]], bring in someone else for once! |
| 552 | ** The coverage for the Charlotte Hornets isn't much better for them either. |
| 553 | --->'''UT''': [[SarcasmMode Lovely,]] the Hornets can pretend they're relevant because they landed a Ball who will leave in a few years and grossly overpaid Gordan Hayward. Now they can boast that they got their asses kicked by a shitshow in the Pacers. God, get out of my sight, you irrelevant fucks! |
| 554 | ** His last few lines for the Atlanta Hawks are also noteworthy here, as well as the caption he put alongside them. |
| 555 | --->'''UT''': We should be honoring them for the real gift they gave to these playoffs: allowing us to witness Philly's meltdown.\ |
| 556 | '''Caption''': '''A[-LSO-] P[-UTTING-] K[-NICKS-] F[-ANS-] I[-N-] T[-HEIR-] P[-LACE-]'''\ |
| 557 | '''UT''': Thank you for your service. |
| 558 | %%** The entirety of his coverage for both the Utah Jazz and Philadelphia 76ers also count here. |
| 559 | %%Zero-context example |
| 560 | * When he finally gets to the two teams left for the NBA Finals this season, after saying he genuinely enjoyed this season's playoffs (which can count as a [[Heartwarming/UrinatingTree Heartwarming moment in its own right as well]]), he has these remarks left before introducing the final two teams. |
| 561 | -->'''UT''': [...]And all it took were major injuries to nearly every star player in the league. I don't care that the ratings might suck, show me the Finals matchup!\ |
| 562 | ''[cuts to the Finals matchup being the Phoenix Suns against the Milwaukee Bucks with the word '''H[-ALLELUJAH-]''' below the middle of those two teams' logos and a victory jingle for good measure]''\ |
| 563 | '''VideoGame/SuperSmashBrosUltimate Announcer''': Success! |
| 564 | ** Not to mention the TakeThat moments to ESPN immediately afterward. |
| 565 | --->'''UT''': Phoenix against Milwaukee... the talking heads at ESPN are punching the air as I mentioned those cities.\ |
| 566 | '''Headlines''': '''B[-UCKS RESPOND AFTER-] ESPN [-HOST CALLS-] M[-ILWAUKEE A-] '[-TERRIBLE CITY-][='=]'''\ |
| 567 | '''S[-TEPHEN-] A. S[-MITH-] B[-LASTS-] M[-ILWAUKEE-] B[-UCKS-] F[-ANS-] O[-VER-] P[-ETITION TO-] B[-AN-] H[-IM-] F[-ROM-] C[-ITY FOR-] NBA F[-INALS-]: "O[-NLY A-] F[-EW-] T[-HOUSAND-] S[-IGNATURES-]?"'''\ |
| 568 | '''UT''': [[SarcasmMode Oh no, the cast of First Take has to go to a city that isn't overcrowded and doesn't smell like shit!]] ''[a picture of a stunned Stephen A. Smith and Michael Wilbon from after the buzzer-beating alley-oop from Jae Crowder to Deandre Ayton to end Game 2 of the Western Conference Finals pops up]'' [[SarcasmMode I feel so bad for them!]] They might not even be able to talk about Giannis if he's not at full strength due to his injury.[[note]]Thankfully, at least to start out the NBA Finals, Giannis was able to play, with plenty of highlights for good measure.[[/note]]\ |
| 569 | '''Headline''': '''G[-IANNIS-] A[-NTETOKOUNMPO EXITS-] G[-AME-] 4 [-WITH HYPEREXTENDED LEFT KNEE-]'''\ |
| 570 | '''B[-UCKS COACH-] M[-IKE-] B[-UDENHOLZER SAID THE TEAM WOULD LEARN MORE ABOUT-] A[-NTETOKOUNMPO-]'[-S STATUS ON-] W[-EDNESDAY-].'''\ |
| 571 | '''Caption''': '''T[-HEY'LL-] S[-TILL-] F[-IND-] A W[-AY-] T[-O-] S[-HOEHORN-] L[-E-]B[-RON-] I[-NTO-] T[-HEIR-] S[-HOWS-]''' |
| 572 | ** And for one last joke to close things off, after embracing the non-fuckery and enjoying the time to be alive with either the trio of [=CP3=] [Chris Paul], Devin Booker, and Deandre Ayton or the trio of Giannis [Antetokounmpo], Khris Middleton, [[AndZoidberg and Brook Lopez]] being guaranteed the NBA Finals championship now, he has a caption pop up near the end of it saying "And it will be more entertaining than the Stanley Cup Finals. DidIJustSayThatOutLoud" |
| 573 | |
| 574 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 MLB Season: All-Star Edition]] |
| 575 | * Nicknames? You better believe it! The New York Yankees are conducting '''H[-ANGINGS IN-] T[-IMES-] S[-QUARE-]''', the still-exiled Toronto Blue Jays are '''L[-ONGING FOR-] L[-EAFLAND-]''', the Chicago White Sox are '''K[-EEPING-] I[-T IN THE-] F[-AMILY-]''', Cleveland's impending team name change[[note]]Confirmed, a week and a half after this video was posted, to be the Cleveland Guardians.[[/note]] has them contemplating '''T[-HE-] F[-INAL-] I[-NDIAN-]''', the Detroit Tigers are the eternal '''I[-RRELEVANT-] F[-RANCHISE-]''', the Minnesota Ts (who still don't have a "win" in their logo) are '''N[-OW WITH-] L[-ESS-] W[-INNING-]!''', the Texas Rangers are told '''2011 [-IS-] T[-HAT-] W[-AY-]''',[[note]]2011 having seen their last World Series appearance.[[/note]] the Atlanta Braves have Tree rhetorically asking '''D[-O-] I N[-EED TO-] S[-AY-] I[-T-]?''', are the Cincinnati Reds '''T[-HE-] H[-UNTERS OR THE-] H[-UNTED-]?''', the Milwaukee Brewers are '''A T[-RULY-] S[-TRANGE-] B[-REW-]''', the Pittsburgh Pirates are dubbed '''A[-N-] I[-NSULT TO-] AAA B[-ASEBALL-]''', the St. Louis Cardinals are a '''D[-ISGRACED-] C[-ARDINAL-]''', and the Arizona Diamondbacks are unflatteringly likened to the '''2018 B[-ALTIMORE-] O[-RIOLES-]'''. |
| 576 | * The mockery of the Diamondbacks only ''starts'' with the comparison to the 2018 Orioles. The audio for the segment consists entirely of an audio clip of Tottenham Hotspur FC fans singing "WE'RE FUCKING SHIT! WE'RE FUCKING SHIT!", while the footage of just some of the Diamondbacks' many on-field failures is accompanied by graphics showing their abysmal 8-48 run in May and June, their starting pitchers' horrendous ERA of 6.05, their disastrous batting average, headlines for injuries to RF Kole Calhoun, catcher Carson Kelly, and infielder/outfielder Ketel Marte, another headline on the firing of hitting coach Darnell Coles and assistant Eric Hinske, another headline about their streak of 23 road losses (an MLB record), their 13-loss streak in late May and their ''17''-loss streak in early June, a paragraph about their hopeless defensive efficiency of .681 (the league's worst at the time) and batting average of .233 (in the league's bottom half), and an overall summary of their terrible season accompanied by a translucent graphic of a [[VisualPun tank]]. |
| 577 | |
| 578 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 NFL Season: AFC Edition]] |
| 579 | * You know the drill. Tree sees the Buffalo Bills' success as of late and is warning their owner '''D[-ON'T FUCK THIS UP-], P[-EGULA-]''', Tree is apprehensive of the New England Patriots' perceived decline because '''E[-VER SEE [[Film/TheRiseOfSkywalker EPISODE NINE]]?-]''', the Cincinnati Bengals are considered '''D[-EATH: THE FRANCHISE-]''', the Cleveland Browns seem to be in a '''P[-OST-ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP-]''' with the recent positive momentum, the Pittsburgh Steelers' drama seemingly returning had Tree asking "'''C[-AN-] I [-DANCE ON THIS LOGO-]?'''", Bill O'Brien turned out to be only part of the '''M[-ODERN-DAY-] G[-ALVESTON HURRICANE-]''' that is the Houston Texans, the injury-riddled Indianapolis Colts is a '''L[-ITERAL-] F[-OOT-] L[-OCKER-]''', the Jacksonville Jaguars are the '''A[-MERICAN-] F[-ULHAM-]'''[[note]]both owned by Shahid Khan; Fulham got relegated in the prior Premier League season[[/note]], there's a '''L[-OATHING IN-] L[-AS-] V[-EGAS-]''' as the Raiders still try to adapt to their new home town, and the Los Angeles Chargers may as well be '''F[-OOTBALL'S-] C[-LIPPERS-]''' to the Rams. |
| 580 | |
| 581 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 NFL Season: NFC Edition]] |
| 582 | * And this time only two teams are spared the nickname treatment[[note]]San Francisco 49ers and Seattle Seahawks[[/note]]. The Dallas Cowboys remain '''A[-MERICA'S (MOST HATED)-] T[-EAM-]''', the New York Giants' continued questionable decision-making had fans thinking '''BRB [-RUNNING SUICIDES-]''', the Philadelphia Eagles are '''[=EDP445=]'s [-CUPCAKE-]'''[[note]]based upon EDP getting caught sending sexual messages to an underaged girl[[/note]], the Washington Football Team still not getting a name doesn't change the fact that they're the '''W[-ASHINGTON-] R[-ESKINS-]''', it must be '''G[-ROUNDHOG-] D[-AY-]''' because the Chicago Bears are mediocre as before, the Detroit Lions remain the '''NFC N[-ORTH PUNCHING BAG-]''', Aaron Rodgers remaining with the Green Bay Packers has the whole state of '''W[-ISCONSIN OVERDOSING ON SMUGNESS-]''', the snakebitten Minnesota Vikings ask "'''W[-HAT IS GOOD LUCK-]?'''", the Atlanta Falcons' habitual choking had them remain '''A[-DRIFT AT SEA-]''', the Carolina Panthers have been at rebuild mode for some time that they are '''T[-HE TOOTHLESS CAT-]''', the New Orleans Saints have reached cap hell and had their home devastated by Hurricane Ida so they are '''P[-ICKING UP THE PIECES-]''', Tree dreads the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because '''A[-NTONIO-] B[-ROWN IS A-] S[-UPER-] B[-OWL CHAMPION-]''', the Arizona Cardinals still live up to the team's reputation as '''T[-HE RETIREMENT HOME-]''', and Tree is still appalled by the redesigned Los Angeles Rams logo that he's on '''H[-UNGER STRIKE TO CHANGE THE LOGO-]'''. |
| 583 | |
| 584 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 MLB Postseason]] |
| 585 | * Tampa Bay's reported move to Montreal has Tree christen them the '''M[-ONTREAL-] B[-AY-] E[-X-]-R[-AYS-]''', the Houston Astros are once again '''B[-ANGING THE CANS OF WAR-]''', the Boston Red Sox's questionable moves have Tree asking '''F[-UCK THE-] Y[-ANKEES-]. N[-OW WHAT-]?''', the Milwaukee Brewers have become '''C[-Y-] Y[-OUNG'S ARMY-]''', and '''P[-ONCE-] D[-E-] L[-EON WAS RIGHT-]''' as the San Francisco Giants somehow find their way to the playoffs using their old roster. |
| 586 | * The news of Tampa Bay's reported move to Montreal not only causes the aforementioned nickname, but causes Tree to backtrack 180 degrees in his feelings for the team, with him hoping that the team fails as long as the idea to move to Montreal is present. |
| 587 | |
| 588 | !! [[AC: The Haters Guide to the 2021/22 NHL Season]] |
| 589 | * The Arizona Coyotes have '''N[-UKED-] K[-ACHINAS-]''' due to blowing up their core and an uncertain future regarding their stay in the desert, Tree can only say '''S[-ORRY-] R[-ICK-] J[-EANNERET-]''' when it comes to the Buffalo Sabres fresh from a horrendous season full of turmoil, Tree tells the Calgary Flames that the '''C I[-S-] F[-OR-] C[-ONTINUED-] M[-ISERY-]''', the Chicago Blackhawks are full of '''D[-ELUSIONS-] O[-F-] G[-RANDEUR-]''' in light of their sexual misconduct scandal, the Dallas Stars are in an '''A[-WKWARD-] T[-RANSITION-]''' due to their all-around aging core[[note]]And, less humorously, due to the [[DueToTheDead tribute to the late Columbus Blue Jackets goaltender Matiss Kivlenieks]] immediately prior to the screen.[[/note]], with the Edmonton Oilers still capturing their 80's nostalgia Tree thinks the team is full of '''P[-ERMS-] A[-ND-] A F[-LOCK-] O[-F-] S[-EAGULLS-]''', the Montreal Canadiens are having '''P[-YRRHIC-] V[-ICTORIES-]''' with last year's Cup Finals run with their talent being gutted in the ensuing offseason, the New York Rangers are '''P[-AGING-] L[-ONG-] J[-OHN-] B[-ALDRY-]''' in their plans to beat Tom Wilson in fights, Tree gives the Philadelphia Flyers a stern warning: '''D[-ON'T-] V[-ANISH-] L[-IKE-] B[-EN-] S[-IMMONS-]''', the San Jose Sharks have to regressed to '''B[-OTTOM-] F[-EEDERS-]''', the expansion Seattle Kraken are praised by Tree because they have '''A B[-ADASS-] G[-OAL-] H[-ORN-]''', the Vegas Golden Knights are '''A[-LL-]-I[-N-] O[-FF-] T[-HE-] F[-LOP-]''' starting with the trade of Marc-Andre Fleury, and the Washington Capitals after their 2018 Stanley Cup victory have regressed into '''T[-HE-] S[-ECOND-] R[-OUND-] S[-IRENS-]'''. |
| 590 | |
| 591 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 World Series]] |
| 592 | * During the AL Wild Card match, the New York Yankees show '''H[-OW TO BURN MONEY-]: B[-RONX STYLE-]''', the St. Louis Cardinals that was left for dead didn't win the NL Wild Card with '''N[-ECROMANCY PERMANENTLY BANNED-]''', Tree enquired the Rays to '''D[-ELETE YOUR-] S[-TERNBERGS-]''' over the Montreal move, the Chicago White Sox's loss ensured that their cross-town rival '''L[-AUGHS IN-] C[-UBS FAN-]''', the feel-good story of the San Francisco Giants ended in sending '''O[-LD MEN TO THE RETIREMENT HOME-]''', the Milwaukee Brewers were so fruitless in their loss '''N[-O WONDER WHY THEY DRINK HEAVILY-]''', and the Boston Red Sox were beaten and now have become '''B[-LOOD-SOAKED STOCKINGS-]''' |
| 593 | |
| 594 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 MLB Season: Debriefing]] |
| 595 | * To rub salt in the wound, all teams without postseason experience got their own nicknames. Baltimore has become '''E[-NDANGERED BIRDLAND-]''' as the Orioles were once again inept, Toronto '''C[-RIES IN-] C[-ANADIAN-]''' as the Blue Jays' promising season fell apart late, what is now the Cleveland Guardians initiate '''T[-HE FINAL BURIAL OF-] W[-AHOO-]''', the Detriot Tigers are possibly an '''I[-RRELEVANT FRANCHISE?-]''', the Kansas City Royals' season was best described as '''T[-HE ROLLERCOASTER-]''', Tree still refuses to call Minnesota's team by its name because it's still '''T[-HE FORBIDDEN WORD-]''' so long as the postseason futility streak remains intact, Arte Moreno ran the Los Angeles Angels badly '''B[-UT HE DROPPED THE PRICE OF BEER-]''', the Oakland Athletics were '''B[-EING VENTILATED-]''' as their late run took them out of postseason running, in spite of the Seattle Mariners' best efforts to get to postseason '''T[-HE STREAK CONTINUES-]''', there is no doubt by now that the Texas Rangers are an '''I[-RRELEVANT FRANCHISE-]''', the Florida Marlins are back to mediocrity because '''Y[-ES, 2020 WAS A DREAM-]''', a change of ownership for the New York Mets didn't stop '''T[-HE UNKILLABLE-] LOLM[-ETS-]''', the Phillies' misery is an effective '''P[-HILADELPHIA SIMULATOR-]''', 2019 being a fluke rendered a by-now bare Washington Nationals into the '''S[-HUTTERED-] W[-ALGREENS-]''', the Chicago Cubs' late implosion both in terms of performance and traded talent ensured that their '''W [-FLAG TRADED AT DEADLINE-]''', the Cincinnati Reds being futile meant that it's '''B[-ETTER DEAD THAN RED-]''', the tanking Pittsburgh Pirates are the '''W[-ILL-] C[-RAIG FAN CLUB-]''', the Arizona Diamondback's utter collapse was such that Tree was asking '''D[-ID TEAM EXIST PAST-] J[-UNE-]?''', the Colorado Rockies' inept ownership decisions is likened to a '''M[-OM-AND-POP'S FAILING BUSINESS-]''', and the '''S[-HAM-] D[-IEGO-]''' Padres once again failed to get past .500 even while making major moves. |
| 596 | [[/folder]] |
| 597 | |
| 598 | [[folder:2022 Haters Guides]] |
| 599 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2022 NFL Playoffs]] |
| 600 | * Tree's disbelief over the Steelers' season doesn't stop the '''R[-ELENTLESS-] Y[-INZER MODE-]''', the Patriots crawling back in success means '''H[-OODIES ARE BACK IN FASHION-]''', the Raiders have been guided to postseason by '''T[-HE-] A[-UTUMN COINS-]'''[[note]]before the season started, one fan on Reddit posted a prediction purely decided by a series of coin flips. It only missed two games but otherwise got the 10-7 season spot on[[/note]], the Bengals are beginning '''T[-O PROPERLY UNBUNGLE-]''', Bills fans are asking '''W[-HERE'S THE-] V[-IAGRA-]?''', the Chiefs were even more successful in the past two years before taking '''A[-RROWHEADS [[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsVSkyrim TO THE KNEE]]-]''', injuries and recent struggles didn't stop the Titans' '''R[-OYAL CORONATIONS-]''' of Derrick Henry's possible return for AFC home advantage, the Eagles made it through seemingly in spite of '''H[-OWIE-] W[-ORMTONGUE-]''', the seemingly snakebitten 49ers made '''49 [-WAYS TO ESCAPE DEATH-]''', the erratic Cardinals' game plan consisted of '''F[-RONT-LOADED AIR RAIDS-]''', Tree is still holding firm that '''T[-HIS LOGO IS STILL AWFUL-]''' for the Rams, "'''H[-OW 'BOUT THEM ENEMAS-]?'''" was asked as the Cowboys seem to pull wins out of their ass, Tree used the Buccaneers' return to postseason to insist "'''M[-OVE THE-] R[-AYS TO-] T[-AMPA-]'''", and some of the drama within the Packers not hindering their NFC clinch makes Tree ponder '''P[-RESSURE MAKES DIAMONDS-]?''' |
| 601 | |
| 602 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 56]] |
| 603 | * All that's left of the Patriots after the Bills were done with them were '''S[-HREDDED HOODIES-]''', the Cardinals were once again '''D[-RIVING OFF THE-] K[-LIFF-]''' through yet another Texas Tech-style post-midseason collapse, the Cowboys losing is '''A[-MERICA'S WET DREAM-]''', the top-seeded Titans once again found themselves '''O[-NE SEED SHORT-]''', Tree reminded Aaron Rodgers' Packers that '''S[-AN-] F[-RANCISCO STILL OWNS YOU-]''', the Chiefs can at least take solace in their overtime loss that "'''W[-E WON THE TOSS-]!'''", and the 49ers coach's inability to win Super Bowls is shown yet again in a '''B[-USTED-] S[-HANAPLAN-]'''. |
| 604 | * The running gag of the Cincinnati Bengals having their clip set to "Gwyn, Lord of Cinder" takes its final form: the footage of them making their way to their first Super Bowl in three decades is set to [[VideoGame/DarkSoulsIII "Soul of Cinder"]]. |
| 605 | |
| 606 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021-22 NHL Season: Eastern Conference All-Star Edition]] |
| 607 | * The Sabres once again imploding after a strong start has kept Buffalo '''B[-ILLS-] C[-OUNTRY-]''', the Detroit Red Wings slow but steady on-ice improvement shows signs of '''T[-HE-] W[-HEELS OF-] C[-HANGE-]''' moving, the Florida Panthers' impressive season is thanks to '''S[-UNRISE'S-] N[-UCLEAR-] A[-RSENAL-]''', while the Montreal Canadiens' disastorous run has Tree reading '''A F[-RENCH-]-C[-ANADIAN-] E[-ULOGY-]''', the New Jersey Devils' struggling again is just more '''J[-ERSEY-]. F[-UCKING-] J[-ERSEY-]''', the New York Islanders' offensive struggles is a case of '''D[-IET-] O[-FFENSE-]: Z[-ERO-] G[-OALS-]''', the Ottawa Senators like their hometown is dealing with an '''NHL T[-RUCK-] C[-ONVOY-]''', and the Philadelphia Flyers' preseason promise turns out to be '''B[-ROAD-] S[-TREET-] B[-ULLSHIT-]'''. |
| 608 | |
| 609 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021-22 NHL Season: Western Conference All-Star Edition]] |
| 610 | * The Arizona Coyotes' blatant tanking is simply a '''B[-LIGHT FOR-] W[-RIGHT-]''', Calgary has found '''S[-ECURITY-] I[-N-] F[-LAMES-]''', the Chicago Blackhawks' shameful and disastrous handling of the Kyle Beach sexual assault scandal leads Tree to intro them simply with '''F[-UCK-] Y[-OU-]''', the aging squad in Dallas are trying to get back to the postseason in '''G[-RANDPA-] S[-TAR'S-] O[-LD-] J[-ALOPY-]''', the Edmonton Oilers' recent struggles has Tree asking '''"W[-HY ARE YOU SO PISSY-], L[-EON-]?"''', Juuse Saros' performances for the Nashville Predators evoking memories of Pekka Rinne has Tree wondering '''D[-O-] I D[-ARE-] T[-EMPT-] F[-ATE-]?''', the Seattle Kraken's logo is explained '''T[-HE-] "S" I[-S-] F[-OR-] S[-UCKS-]''', the Vancouver Canucks' early season struggles led to '''T[-HE-] P[-REDICTABLE-] O[-UTCOME-]''' of front office and coaching changes, the Vegas Golden Knights' increasing desperation in their acquisitions has Tree suggesting '''C[-ALL-] 1-800-GAMBLER''', and the Jets' struggles and front office turmoil has them '''W[-INNIPEGGED-] F[-OR-] L[-AYOFFS-]'''. |
| 611 | |
| 612 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021 NFL Season: Debriefing]] |
| 613 | * The Dolphins' Stephen Ross told ex-HC Brian Flores "'''I'[-LL [[Series/TrailerParkBoys PAY YOU $100K TO FUCK OFF]]-]'''", the Jets still have a bad habit to '''E[-LIMINATE EXPLOSIVE GASSES-]''', the Ravens' midseason injury-induced collapse had their '''A[-MBITIONS-] L[-AMARRED-]''', Mayfield changed the Browns' occupation to make their home town the '''B[-AKERY OF-] S[-ADNESS-]''', the Texans' continuing bad decisions is proof that '''G[-OD IS AN ASSHOLE-]''', the Colts were cursed with '''N[-O LUCK FOR ENDING-] L[-UCK-]''', the Jaguars remained a circus act known as '''B[-ARNUM AND-] B[-AALKE'S GREATEST SHITSHOW-]''', the Broncos cried out "'''M[-Y [[Theatre/RichardIII KINGDOM FOR A CHECKDOWN]]-]'''", Tree still insisted to the Chargers that "'''Y[-OU DON'T BELONG HERE-]'''" in Los Angeles, yet another bad season ensured that the Giants were '''J[-UDGE'S EXECUTIONER-]''', what is now the widely-mocked Washington Commanders was heralded with "'''H[-AIL TO THE-] R[-ESKINS-]'''", years of bad decisions have left the Bears playing on '''T[-HE FIELDS OF RUIN-]''', Stafford winning the Super Bowl at last under the Rams meant the Lions got '''F[-RIENDZONED BY-] L[-OMBARDI-]''', what's left for the Viking's funeral of bad luck was to '''P[-REPARE THE PYRE-]''', the Falcons tendency to win in clutch moments are an effort to '''B[-URY THE PAST-]''', the Panthers are going through yet another rebuild because '''K[-ITTY GETS POACHED-]''', the heartbreak of barely missing postseason through injuries and the inevitable Cap Hell ensured that the Saints perform '''L[-AST RITES-]''', and the ailing Seahawks were left '''S[-HIFTLESS IN-] S[-EATTLE-]'''. |
| 614 | |
| 615 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2022 MLB Season]] |
| 616 | * The Baltimore Orioles' have the unenviable stat of '''B[-EST DEFENDER-]: L[-EFT FIELD WALL-]''', Tree demands once again that the Rays '''M[-OVE TO-] T[-AMPA-]''' after their half-baked Montreal plan was rejected, the Blue Jays were finally '''D[-EFECTING FROM-] A[-MERICA-]''' after spending a lot of time away from Canada, Tree is mocking the Cleveland Guardians for having their logo look like the '''W[-INDOWS 95 [[VideoGame/AfterDarkBerkeleySystems FLYING TOASTER]]-]''', the Tigers are working their way to being a '''S[-LOWLY-RELEVANT FRANCHISE-]''' after spending some much-needed money at last, Tree still refuses to refer Minnesota's team by their actual name while telling them '''I[-F AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED...-]''', the Angels were actually a '''D[-EVIL IN ANGEL'S ATTIRE-]''', legal troubles for a proposed new stadium and a recent fire sale had resulted in the A's' '''H[-OWARD-] T[-ERMINAL ILLNESS-]''', the Rangers have let off some '''G[-OVERNMENT GUNSMOKE-]''' making some big-money moves, Tree is wondering "'''H[-OW DO THEY FUCK THIS UP?-]'''" about the Mets, '''T[-HE COST ADDED ANOTHER CRACK-]''' to the Phillies' Liberty Bell, the Nationals were asking "'''A[-NYONE GOT A STRAIGHTENER-]?'''", the flag of the Cubs transitioned '''F[-ROM A-] "W" [-TO A RED CIRCLE-]''', the Reds have '''T[-RADED DOWN THE-] O[-HIO-] R[-IVER-]''', the Brewers '''H[-EADED TO A CAVE TO FIND BATS-]''', Tree acknowledges that his hometown Pirates are an '''I[-RRELEVANT FRANCHISE-]''', there will be '''N[-O BASEBALL FOR OLD MEN-]''' after the Cardinals' run with their aging veterans, the Diamondbacks were '''S[-NAKEBITTEN-]''' after that abysmal last season, the Rockies have the '''B[-EST BAR IN-] D[-ENVER-]''' so that their fans could drink away the misery, and the Giants believe that people are '''S[-LEEPING ON-] S[-AN-] F[-RANCISCO-]'''. |
| 617 | |
| 618 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2022 NHL Playoffs]] |
| 619 | * As the favorites to win the Stanley Cup entering the postseason, Tree warns the Colorado Avalanche '''D[-ON'T FUCK THIS UP-]''', the Nashville Predators are '''N[-OT TOO GOOD RIGHT NOW-]''' with Pekka Rinne no more, the Los Angeles Kings can take solace in the fact that they are '''N[-OT THE LAKERS-]''', '''V[-INNIE PAUL WEEPS-]''' for the Dallas Stars, the Florida Panthers have a chance to see '''A [-LITERAL SUNRISE?-]''', the Washington Capitals are having a '''2016 [-REUNION TOUR-]''', and the Pittsburgh Penguins are in '''P[-ALLIATIVE CARE-]'''. |
| 620 | |
| 621 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2022 NBA Finals]] |
| 622 | * The Charlotte Hornets are stuck in '''P[-ERPETUAL FUTILITY-]''', the Los Angeles Clippers are a mess of '''S[-TERLING SHITTINESS-]''', the Minnesota Timberwolves' shortcoming in the first round leaves them labeled the '''M[-INNESOTA TIMBERMIDS-]''', the Utah Jazz have an '''E[-XPIRED TRIAL MEMBERSHIP-]''' with another early exit, he asks the Brooklyn Nets '''D[-ID YOU REALLY ESCAPE?-]''', the Chicago Bulls were dealt a '''P[-AMPLONA-STYLE GORING-]''', as the Toronto Raptors are disposed of he says '''I [-SEE A COMET...-]''', he suggests the Phoenix Suns to '''S[-ELL THE TEAM, SARVER-]''', he says '''D[-ON'T CRY FOR THEM, HINKIE-]''' in the wake of the Philadelphia 76ers being disposed of, and the Miami Heat had a '''C[-ORE MELTDOWN-]''' with a return to the Finals looming. |
| 623 | |
| 624 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2021-22 NHL Season: Debriefing]] |
| 625 | * The Arizona Coyotes will be the '''P[-ROPERTY OF THE SUN DEVILS-]''' next season as they're forced to vacate Gila River Arena, he once again says '''F[-UCK YOU-]''' to the Chicago Blackhawks for the same reasons as last time, the Montreal Canadiens' plummet from making the Finals the previous season to dead last in the league was '''P[-URE IMMOLATION-]''', the Ottawa Senators are told '''Y[-OU'RE FREE-]''' with owner Eugene Melnyk's passing, the Philadelphia Flyers have been labeled as '''D[-UNNING-KRUGER: THE FRANCHISE-]''' after another disastrous season they were expected to succeed in, '''D[-EATH AWAITS-]''' the San Jose Sharks after another crappy season with their long-term-contract-laden squad, and the Vegas Golden Knights '''D[-REW 22 AT BLACKJACK-]''' after they missed the postseason for the first time. |
| 626 | |
| 627 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2022 Stanley Cup Final]] |
| 628 | * Nicknames for the eliminated teams! The Nashville Predators being swept in the first round made their playoff run a '''W[-ASTE OF EIGHT DAYS-]''', the Boston Bruins were unable to serve up anything other than '''W[-EEK-OLD CHOWDER-]''', while the Pittsburgh Penguins were only able to scrounge up some '''S[-PICY-] T[-RICHINOSIS AND-] B[-ROCCOLI-]''', the Washington Capitals meme up a '''S[-TEAMED-] C[-APS-] R[-EDUX-]''', the Toronto Maple Leafs find out that '''N[-O-] L[-EAFS ALLOWED IN-] J[-UNE-]''', the St. Louis Blues are now '''P[-ROPERTY OF-] N[-AZEM-] K[-ADRI-]''' after the Colorado forward got them off their game with his antics, Tree warns followers of the Calgary Flames '''N[-EVER-] H[-AVE-] H[-OPE FOR-] T[-HEM-]''', the Carolina Hurricanes make '''S[-AD-] B[-RASS-] B[-ONANZA-] N[-OISES-]''', the Florida Panthers were more like '''N[-EUTERED-] K[-ITTIES-]''', and the Edmonton Oilers got burned by '''T[-HE-] M[-IKE-] S[-MITH-] E[-XPERIENCE-]''' as Smith imploded in the Western Conference Final. |
| 629 | * '''"LIGHTNING IN THREE" SADLY NOW HAS A NEW MEANING"'''. Everything comes back to the Tampa Bay Lightning. Tree continues to walk back his mockery of their 2019 washout under a screenshot of his contemporary mocking tweet saying they should've nuked the team after being swept by the Blue Jackets. The meme economy that should've been gave way to "the Tampa Bay Lightning lording over us all" even without Brayden Point during the Playoffs. Back in the Finals despite losing one of their best performing lines the previous offseason. And how a Lightning three-peat would mean four straight for one Patrick Maroon. |
| 630 | |
| 631 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2022 MLB Season: AL All-Star Edition]] |
| 632 | * The Junior Circuit takes its nickname lumps first, with the Baltimore Orioles' lineup featuring '''T[-HE-] L[-EFT-] F[-IELD OF-] C[-OMPLAINTS-]''', the New York Yankees leading the AL East has Tree pleading '''G[-OD HELP US ALL-]''', the Toronto Blue Jays are asked '''F[-EELING-] B[-LUE-]?''', Tony [=LaRussa=]'s collapsing Chicago White Sox are a tale of '''T[-HE-] O[-LD-] M[-AN AND-] T[-HE-] B[-LOWN-] L[-EADS-]''', the Cleveland Guardians' logo makes them look like '''T[-HE-] F[-LYING-] T[-OASTERS-]''', the Detroit Tigers are '''S[-TILL-] S[-OMEHOW-] I[-RRELEVANT-]''', the Kansas City Royals are going through '''R[-OYAL-] P[-AINS-]''', the Minnesota T___s improve with the strategy of '''L[-UIGI-] W[-INS BY-] D[-OING-] N[-OTHING-]''', the Los Angeles Angels' wasting of Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani leave Tree wondering '''W[-HY-]?''', the Oakland A's stadium limbo leaves them as '''T[-HE-] W[-HITE-] E[-LEPHANT-]''', the Seattle Mariners being in playoff contention has them as '''A[-VERTED-] S[-TEREOTYPES-]''', and the Texas Rangers' are now playing '''L[-IVE FROM THE-] P[-ROPANE-] T[-ANK-]'''. |
| 633 | |
| 634 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2022 MLB Season: NL All-Star Edition]] |
| 635 | * The Miami Marlins' play leave them more comparable to '''C[-ANNED-] T[-UNA-]''', the New York Mets' run is '''D[-ADDY-] S[-TEVE'S-] R[-EVENGE-]''', the Philadelphia Phillies conclude their up and down season so far with '''T[-HE-] D[-EFENSE-] R[-ESTS-]''', the Washington Nationals excuse their poor season as '''P[-ROBABLY-] P[-UTIN'S-] F[-AULT-]''', the Chicago Cubs have finally become '''U[-NLOVABLE-] L[-OSERS-]''', the Cinnicinati Reds' ownership '''F[-UCKED-] A[-ROUND AND-] F[-OUND-] O[-UT-]''', the Pittsburgh Pirates in lieu of success are instead hosting '''Y[-INZERPALOOZA-]''', the Colorado Rockies '''W[-ILL-] P[-AY-] Y[-OU TO-] S[-HOW-] U[-P-]''', and the Los Angeles Dodgers are playing through '''D[-AVE-] R[-OBERTS-]' O[-VERMANAGING-] S[-IMULATOR-]'''. |
| 636 | |
| 637 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2022 NFL Season: AFC Edition]] |
| 638 | * In the wake of Stephen' Ross shenanigans, the Miami Dolphins think their '''T[-ITLE WAS TAMPERED WITH-]''', the New York Jets are starting the season with quite a few players '''O[-UT WITH KNEE INJURIES-]''', the Baltimore Ravens have entered '''T[-HE HEALING CHAMBER-]''' after their obscene slew of injuries last season, the Pittsburgh Steelers are likely on course for '''A[-NOTHER FLUKE 9-WIN SEASON-]''', the Houston Texans watch as their front office '''L[-AUGHS IN BUTTCHIN-]''', the Jacksonville Jaguars hope to make '''A[-N URBAN RECOVERY-]''' after once again being the worst team in the league, the Denver Broncos are introduced with a bronco's neigh as he declares '''B[-RONCOS COUNTRY: LET'S WRITHE!-]''', the Los Angeles Chargers have '''L[-ITTLE BROTHER SYNDROME-]''' having to share a stadium with a team that just won the Super Bowl, and he suggests the Las Vegas Raiders '''N[-O, MOVE AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!-]'''. |
| 639 | |
| 640 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2022 NFL Season: NFC Edition]] |
| 641 | * The Philadelphia Eagles suffer under '''H[-OWIE-] R[-OSEMAN-]'[-S REVENGE-]''', the Washington Commanders' rebrand marks '''T[-HE-] G[-REAT-] L[-EAP-] F[-ORWARD-]''', Tree asks the Chicago Bears '''H[-OW BAD WAS-] N[-AGY-]?''' and finds '''A[-LL PENCILS AND-] ATV'[-S BANNED-]''' by the Detroit Lions, the Green Bay Packers become '''M[-R.-] R[-ODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD-]''', Minnesota's players engage in '''V[-IKING RAIDS ON-] Z[-IMMERLAND-]''', the Carolina Panthers play by '''Q[-UEENSBURY-] R[-HULES-]''', the loss of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' offensive line has Tree stating '''W[-ANTED-]: H[-EALTHY LINEMEN-]''', the Los Angeles Rams say '''F[-UCK THEM PICKS-]''' as they trade them away, and Russell Wilson's move to the Broncos has the Seattle Seahawks in a '''R[-ESTAURANT LIQUIDATION-]'''. |
| 642 | |
| 643 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2022 MLB Postseason]] |
| 644 | * Aaron Judge of the New York Yankees had a record-breaking 62nd home run of the season which resulted in '''P[-ISSED COLLEGE FOOTBALL FANS-]''' having their programming interrupted; the Cleveland Guardians can state '''I [-SURVIVED THE-] AL C[-ENTRAL-]'''; the Seattle Mariners were starting to shed their choking reputation, leaving Tree to exasperatingly wonder "'''N[-O DICKPUNCH-]?!'''"; the Tampa Bay Rays were merely linked to '''F[-LIMSLY BRIDGES TO-] T[-AMPA-]'''; Tree's assessment of the St. Louis Cardinals' seemingly improbable season was '''1/10, [-UNREALISTIC PLOT-]'''; the New York Mets were heralded by '''T[-IMMY'S TRUMPET OF DOOM-]''' after years of Metting; the San Diego Padres seem to be '''AJ P[-RELLER'S MAD EXPERIMENT-]''' as they get out of the years-long hump; and the Philadelphia Phillies, in spite of a flawed finishing stretch, had their '''B[-ELL RUNG FOR DINGERS ONLY-]'''. |
| 645 | |
| 646 | !![[AC:The Hater's Guide to the 2022/23 NHL Season]] |
| 647 | * The Arizona Coyotes '''S[-UCK HARD FOR-] B[-ERDARD-]''' as they throw away another season to get a top draft pick, Tree once again says '''F[-UCK YOU-]''' to the Chicago Blackhawks after the scandals of the 2021-22 season, the Colorado Avalanche are now in '''T[-ITLE DEFENSE MODE-]''', Johnny Gaudreau's move to the Columbus Blue Jackets was '''T[-HE ULTIMATE COUP-]''', the Florida Panthers are '''A[-N UNSETTLING SUNRISE-]''' after acquiring Matthew Tkachuk, the Montreal Canadiens are '''T[-HE DIMMING CANDLE-]''' as their rebuild continues, Tree wonders '''I [-JINXED THEM, DIDN'T-] I?''' about the New York Islanders as they experience a disappointing offseason, their crosstown rivals in the Rangers rely on '''T[-HE WALLS OF-] S[-HESTY-]''', Tree tells the Philadelphia Flyers to '''F[-IRE-] C[-HUCK-] F[-LETCHER-]''', the Pittsburgh Penguins are '''D[-RIVING TO THE LEDGE-]''' with an aging core, '''G[-OD HATES-] S[-HARKS-]''' as the San Jose franchise appears to be looking on the outside of the playoffs, the Vegas Golden Knights are going '''B[-ACK TO THE CRAPS TABLE-]''' after missing the playoffs for the first time in franchise history, and the Winnipeg Jets wonder if '''T[-HE NORTH REMEMBERS-]?'''. |
| 648 | [[/folder]] |
| 649 | |
| 650 | [[folder:2023 Haters Guides]] |
| 651 | !![[AC:The Haters Guide to the 2023 MLB Postseason]] |
| 652 | * Tree's World Series prediction becomes funny when both teams get swept out of the Wild Card round. It becomes even more hilarious when their ''opponents'' make it to the World Series instead. |
| 653 | -->'''UT''': There are a lot of different ways you can take this. Do you go conservative and shoot for the most talent, or do you try to guess based on who has the healthiest rotation? Honestly, if I try to use logic it'll backfire on me. Just the name of the game. Which is why I'm going with Tampa Bay against Milwaukee.\ |
| 654 | '''Caption''': '''RIP T[-HEIR POSTSEASON AMBITIONS-]'''\ |
| 655 | '''UT''':I feel they have the best three-man rotations in the dance right now, plus the best bullpens to boot. The postseason is about pitching, and those two units have some damn good arms, Tampa's injuries notwithstanding. Plus they can hit a good bit too. Play ball, boys. I'm sorry for jinxing these teams. |
| 656 | [[/folder]] |
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/context.php
FollowingContext Funny / UrinatingTreeTheHatersGuide
Go To
- Show Spoilers
- Night Vision
- Sticky Header
- Wide Load
