Line #40 Funny/BurnNotice


1	''Funny/BurnNoticeTheFallOfSamAxe''
2	----
3	[[foldercontrol]]
4	[[folder:Season One]]
5	[[AC:1 - Pilot]]
6	* Michael's pursuers in Nigeria crash their car in a back alley trying to keep up with him. They get a thicket of guns pointed at them. The look on one thug's face when he realizes that they're completely outgunned is ''priceless''.
7	* Earlier in the episode, Michael finds out he's been blacklisted, just as he's about to give a very touchy warlord some protection money. When he finds out he can't deliver, he closes his cell, turns around, and smiles nervously. Cut to the warlord's men kicking the crap out of him as he lays curled up on the floor.
8	-->'''Michael''': Sometimes the truth hurts. In these situations, I recommend lying!
9	** Michael's subtle [[OhCrap "Oh fuck!"]] reaction after the second person he tries to call hangs up on him.
10	* Michael talking about why he hates Southern Nigeria: It's unstable, it's corrupt, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking and the people there eat a lot of terrible-smelling preserved fish.]]
11	* Sam's UnusualEuphemism re Fiona:
12	-->'''Sam''': You sure this is a good idea, you hooking up with her again?\
13	'''Michael''': I'm not hooking up with her, all right? I need her for tactical support.\
14	'''Sam''': Is that what they're calling it these days? "Tactical support"?
15	* Sam explains the setup for planting the bug in Pyne's car, using a friendly Haitian cab driver:
16	-->'''Sam''': I told him I'd pay him fifty bucks to punch me in the face, that's all he had to hear.\
17	'''Michael''': Yeah, I'd do it for twenty.
18	* Michael carjacking a guy at gunpoint - and then criticizing how the man's visor keeps dropping in his face.
19	-->'''Michael''': [who has implied he's about to crash the man's car with them in it] You need to get this fixed. This is really annoying.
20	* If you had to sum Michael Westen up in a sentence, it could probably be "the most polite ''[[ApologeticAttacker nightmare]]'' you've ever had."
21	-->''(spoken to drug dealer/addict he's shot in the thigh)'' "Easy, Music/VanillaIce. Now, you got 20 minutes to clear out. Do you understand? Yes! Yes! The wound is not that bad. Disinfect it''(gives iodine)'', wrap it in this''(gives sterile bandages)'', and you get to a hospital. You won't walk with a limp. You're still here in 20 minutes, a limp will be the least of your problems."\
22	"You shot your buddy here, Mr. Pyne. And this? This... ''(caresses gun with Mr. Pyne's fingerprints all over the trigger assembly in evidence bag)'' This here is a crime lab's wet dream. ''(plays recorded messsage)'' That is you plotting a kidnapping. That's hard time Federal time. That's the rest of your life. Vince here confesses to the robbery, Javier gets severance pay... Five years, with benefits and dental - That's very important - And never sees your mug again. And you know what, for Christmas, throw in a college fund for David. How does that sound? Well, let's get you out of here. This will be a murder weapon in 20 minutes if Vince doesn't get to the hospital."
23
24	[[AC:2 - Identity]]
25	* Sam crashing at Michael's apartment:
26	-->'''Mike''': Would you put some pants on?\
27	'''Sam''': ''[in an undershirt and boxers]'' What? I work better when I can breathe down there.
28	* The camera freezes on Michael's OhCrap expression when Fi picks up a bottle to hurl at Sam.
29	-->'''Mike''': ''[narrating]'' There's a reason spies don't have a lot of parties. Everybody's got a history with everybody else.
30	* Michael stealing the identity of a scumbag con man. You can see the guy being led away in handcuffs as Michael narrates with a smug look on his face.
31	-->"Truth is, identity theft isn't hard. All you need is a picture, and you can drain a lot of money from some accounts—[[PetTheDog or return a lot of money to some very surprised retirees.]] But why stop there? Why not use that identity to contact some terrorist groups on unsecured lines? While you're at it, why not threaten some federal judges and insult the local drug cartel? Most fun I've had in Miami."
32
33	[[AC:3 - Fight Or Flight]]
34	* Sam's expression after the car explodes.
35
36	[[AC:4 - Old Friends]]
37	* Nate digs a bullet out of Mike's shoulder with a scalpel. Then he puts a bandage on the injury and ''slaps it''. "There you go, ya big baby." Mike's face...
38
39	[[AC:5 - Family Business]]
40	* Michael attempts to infiltrate a warehouse that a family of arms-smugglers are using; when he realizes they're about to exit and possibly corner him he grabs some nearby rebar to attack them with, despite knowing it will compromise him completely. Sam manages to save him from doing so: by pretending to be a a bitter drunk throwing bottles and rocks at neighboring warehouse yelling at them for laying him off and sending his job overseas.
41
42	[[AC:7 - Broken Rules]]
43	* Michael is playing a psycho thug as part of a job and tries to steal Fiona's bag. She just glares at him until he whispers, "Fi, ''sell it!"'' At which point she screams bloody murder and punches him repeatedly in the face as he tries to get her purse away from her. Keep in mind ''Michael is holding a gun on her''.
44	** Her expression immediately before she screams is also rather hilarious.
45	* Michael has to sell the belief that a bigger, badder psycho is tearing up Ernie's neighborhood. His first way of achieving this? Tearing up Ernie's store. He uses a baseball bat to smash the counters—but when he chances upon a flower vase he hesitates before tipping it over, almost lightly. Ernie rolls his eyes at this. After Mike leaves, Ernie shakes his head in exasperation.
46	* Pretty much all of Michael's character antics this week. The large ham tendencies mixed with the child-like impulsivity—such as his leaping up and down on the Concha's goons' car while screaming "THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS MINE!"—make for multiple moments of funny.
47	* The B-plot involves Agent Bly's efforts to make Michael's life as miserable as possible, which extends to Sam. While he is on stakeout with Fi, she complains about the size of their rental car:
48	-->'''Sam''': Veronica was supposed to get me a Cadillac this weekend, until Mike's surveillance guy screwed everything up.\
49	'''Fi''': ''[incredulous]'' A Cadillac? What could ''you'' possibly be doing to these women?\
50	'''Sam''': ''[smirking]'' Wouldn't you like to know?
51
52	[[AC:8 - Wanted Man]]
53	* Michael asks Sam to get his cop buddies to run down a phone number. Sam asks Mike to pay his bar tab. Then they just sit there on opposite sides of Michael's loft waving little pieces of paper at each other.
54	* Michael's plan to get in touch with Philip Cowan, the guy who burned him: cozy up to some Libyan intelligence agents and get them to look like they're in cahoots with Cowan in order to smoke him out. When he lays this out for the Libyans, he sarcastically recommends having the head of the Libyan secret police send Cowan a fruit basket, "be creative." One angry phone call from Cowan later, and it turns out the head of the secret police did exactly that.
55
56	[[AC:9 - Hard Bargain]]
57	* Lucio, the kidnapper, pulls a gun on Michael... then screams and collapses with a taser in his back, revealing Fi, who smiles at Michael like a little girl getting ice cream.
58	* While interrogating Lucio, the team thinks he's holding something back, so they all gang up on him, Fi brandishing her taser, and Sam brandishing... his Polaroid camera.
59	* Michael suggests that Lucio tell his boss he didn't report in because he fell down at the mall and broke his foot.
60	-->'''Lucio''': [[TemptingFate Broke my foot? I didn't break my foot.]]\
61	''[Fiona helpfully stomps on his instep.]''\
62	'''Lucio''': AAUGH!
63	** Meta: what's even funnier is that, according to the DVD commentary, the script originally called for Michael to be the one who breaks Lucio's foot, but they decided during shooting that having Fi do it would be much more "natural".
64	* The B-Plot: Mike tries to get a DC bureaucrat to hear out his case. After carefully testing him to make sure he's actually a bureaucrat and not an assassin, Mike finally meets with him. Turns out he's an assassin. One good enough to garrote Mike and counter all of his counters.
65	-->'''Mike''': ''[surprised, while being choked]'' Wow, you're ''good!''
66
67	[[AC:10 - False Flag]]
68	* The episode starts with Mike going to a check-cashing business to talk to a man named Jumbo for a fake I.D. and passport. Turns out, Jumbo routinely turns in his clients to the FBI, just to get a pass on the work he does for all his other clients. Fiona witnesses Mike in handcuffs and comes to provide him a distraction from the gun pointed at him. How does Mike capitalize? Yelling out "She's pregnant!"
69	** As Michael and Fiona flee the scene, she [[SkewedPriorities doubles back for the fake shoe that she lost,]] only to quickly change her mind when Jumbo walks toward the door, shotgun in hand.
70	--->'''Fiona''': They clashed with my dress anyway!
71
72	[[AC:12 - Loose Ends]]
73	* From the first season finale, Nate's reason for refusing to leave Michael to handle the situation alone? If Michael dies, their mom will be on his ass ''forever''.
74	* Pretty much any of Sam's "freaked-out" expressions. Another hilarious one is his face when the boat blows up behind him and Michael in the season one finale, which is captured in glorious repeats by the credits. Michael is all intensity and focus, while Sam, played by a revered B-movie actor with absolutely nothing to lose and a fondness for overacting, pinwheels his arms and contorts his face in all sorts of hilarious ways.
75	[[/folder]]
76
77	[[folder:Season Two]]
78	* An episode in season 2 has Michael trying to escape his pursuer in a motorcycle chase. He loses them by sliding under a tractor trailer that's blocking the road. He gets back up, smiles at a dumbfounded Carla (a smile that puts the trollface to shame), and drives away. Considering Michael's default personality is the stoic, this was a nice touch.
79
80	[[AC:2 - Turn and Burn]]
81	* This exchange:
82	-->'''Mike''': If we can't make Raul look like a traitor one way, we'll have to do it another way. Fi, get me a sniper rifle and some [=C4=].\
83	'''Fiona''': Ooh, I ''like'' where this is going!
84
85	[[AC:3 - Trust Me]]
86	* Michael steals some documents from the Pakistani consulate to act as a MacGuffin so he can get some information on Carla from the ISI, leaving a message in Urdu on the manila folder for the chief of security to meet him at the Carlito. When the chief arrives:
87	-->'''Waseem:''' "I will be wearing a white shirt and..." This word right here? It is a kind of... spicy goat cheese.\
88	'''Michael:''' [[MyHovercraftIsFullOfEels I was trying to say "black pants". My Urdu's a little rusty.]]\
89	'''Waseem:''' At least you got the name of the restaurant right.
90
91	[[AC:4 - Comrades]]
92	* Everything about Fiona tasering Ivan the human trafficker. First we have Ivan grabbing onto Fi's leg before she can use the stun gun, thinking that because she'll be shocked too if he's holding onto her she wouldn't do it. When Fi responds with a [[SlasherSmile savage smile]] and tells Ivan that she loves this game, his expression is priceless. Later we have Sam and Mike asking Fi if she's okay, and she responds by saying that she rather liked it and that a few thousand volts does a great job of clearing the mind. Mike and Sam have no response for that one. At all. And lastly, there's a bit that just has to be quoted:
93	-->'''Michael''': How's our friend Ivan behaving?\
94	'''Fiona''': Like an altar boy. He even asked me to use the stun gun on him again.\
95	'''Michael''': [{{beat}}] He asked you... with a gag in his mouth?\
96	'''Fiona''': Oh, he has expressive eyes.
97	* Michael's mom tries to sell Michael on Nate's BigBrotherWorship.
98	-->'''Maddie''': Do you know what his first word was? It was "Michael".\
99	'''Michael''': It was "juice". I was there. His first word was "juice".\
100	'''Maddie''': Well he was looking right at you when he said it! You know what he meant!
101
102	[[AC:8 - Double Booked]]
103	* Any time Sam and Michael discuss Larry, as in this example:
104	-->'''Sam:''' "Just checking in?" He's got a weird thing for you.\
105	'''Michael:''' That's 'cause he doesn't have any friends.\
106	'''Sam:''' That's because he's killed most of them, Mike.
107	* Michael surprises the "dead-ee" in the bathroom to tell her she's marked for death.
108	-->'''Michael''': I'm Michael. I'm here because someone was hired to kill you.\
109	'''Jeannie''': Who?\
110	'''Michael''': [{{beat}}] [[BrutalHonesty Me.]] ''[covers her mouth again as she tries to scream]''
111	* Sam and Larry's reunion:
112	-->'''Larry:''' Wow, been a while, been a while. And you look... great.\
113	'''Sam:''' You too, Larry. Very youthful. Still drinking the blood of children?
114
115	[[AC:10 - Do No Harm]]
116	* Madeline walks out of the room on Michael with a distinctive unimpressed toss of her head. At the end of that scene, Fiona does the exact same gesture; this freaks Michael out so much that he stares, wide-eyed, [[AsideGlance directly at the camera]] as if asking the audience "Did that just happen? Did you see it too? Holy crap."
117	* Carla is waiting for Michael when he returns to his apartment, and is helping herself to some of his yogurt. Michael then casually mentions he that he has taken to poisoning his yogurt just in case she ever ate any of it. She stops and looks at him, and you can tell she's a little unsure. Michael then teases her that, though she probably knows he's kidding, there's still that chance, isn't there? Carla is noticeably subdued for the rest of the conversation, and stops eating. Then ''Michael'' starts eating the yogurt she put down.
118
119	[[AC:11 - Hot Spot]]
120	* Fiona explains the situation of the two clients - teen siblings Corey and Tanya - and the gangster who wants Corey dead, Felix. When Corey starts to explain [[BigBrotherInstinct why he went after Felix with a baseball bat]], Fiona says he doesn't have to explain and advises him to use a golf club next time; "Greater force to a smaller area." Both Michael and Corey give her a look and Corey after a second basically responds with, "Uh, right."
121
122	[[AC:12 - Seek and Destroy]]
123	* Fiona picks up a guy in the bar and tries to drug him in his room so she can bug his phone. Unfortunately, he's more interested in her than the booze, so she resorts to [[GrievousBottleyHarm glassing him]]. [[NoSell He shrugs off the first bottle.]] As Sam tries to break down the door, she [[GroinAttack knees him in the crotch]] and hits him ''again'' with another bottle, which knocks him out. Sam is still trying to break in while she bugs his phone, steals his wallet to cover up, and calmly leaves the room.
124
125	[[AC:13 - Bad Breaks]]
126	* In the intro, Sam objects to Michael shmoozing Barry with a free lunch at a high-class restaurant when Michael never does that for Sam.
127	-->'''Michael''': There's no need, Sam. You'll do almost anything for a three-dollar beer.
128	** Minutes later, Bly shows up and comments that Sam is living well off a government pension.
129	--->'''Sam''': ''[glumly]'' Not that well, this is iced tea.
130
131	[[AC:14 - Truth & Reconciliation]]
132	* Sam brings Michael a large fish that he caught while out on a trip with one of his many buddies that he was getting information from, dropping it in the sink.
133	-->'''Michael''': Fi knows some people who make extra-special travel arrangements. I'm supposed to meet her at the Carlito for lunch. ''(Short pause as the two look at the fish in the sink)'' Bring the fish. Maybe they'll cook it for you.
134	** The very next shot is Michael and Sam coming down the steps from his loft, and Sam is still carrying the ridiculously-large fish, which he continues to hold while conversing with Claude Laurent:
135	--->'''Sam''': Mr. Laurent, this is not going to work in an American court.\
136	'''Claude''': Who... who is this man with the fish?
137	* Later in the episode, Fiona is tracking a human smuggler the team is looking for.
138	-->'''Michael''': Go easy on him, Fi.\
139	'''Fiona''': [quickly] [[BlatantLies You're breaking up!]] [Hangs up and tosses the cell in the backseat.]
140
141	[[AC:15 - Sins of Omission]]
142	* Michael's ex-fiancée Samantha shows up out of the blue.
143	-->'''Sam''': [laughing nervously]'' So, another Sam. This is gonna be confusing, huh.\
144	'''Madeleine''': Have you ever been secretly engaged to my son?\
145	'''Sam''': ...No.\
146	'''Madeleine''': [[DeadpanSnarker Then I think we'll be able to tell you apart.]]
147	* Michael builds a Taser and disguises it as a disposable camera. [[AmusingInjuries He then accidentally zaps himself while testing it.]]
148
149	[[AC:16 - Lesser Evil]]
150	* Michael has another verbal spar with Carla in the back of a car alongside a suited and sunglassed {{Mook}} who hasn't said a word.
151	-->'''Carla''': Remember there are worse things than being blacklisted.\
152	'''Michael''': Oh, I know. ''[jerks his head at the mook]'' I could be this guy.
153	* Right before Michael and Victor [[EnemyMine team up]], Michael says "it's a little hard to trust somebody who's tried to kill you four times."
154	-->'''Victor:''' ''Four?'' That, that seems high. ''({{beat}})'' Oh, come on! You're counting earlier with the chair!\
155	'''Michael:''' [[BluntYes Yes.]]
156	[[/folder]]
157
158	[[folder:Season Three]]
159	* In 3x02 ("Question and Answer"), there's Fiona teaching her relaxation technique to the mother of a kidnapped child.
160	--> '''Fiona:''' [in a perfectly calm, soothing voice] Now I want you to close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Picture a peaceful mountain stream. Can you do that? Now picture yourself drowning the kidnapper in the stream. You're taking a rock from the stream, and raising above your head-\
161	'''Michael:''' Fi.\
162	'''Fiona:''' -and with tremendous force, you're bringing-\
163	'''Michael:''' Fi.\
164	[Fiona stops talking]
165	** This episode takes place on Michael's birthday, and at a party his mother threw him (dinner for the four of them), Michael is passed a piece of cake.
166	--->'''Michael''': [takes a bite with a big smile] [{{beat}}] Did you make this?\
167	'''[[LethalChef Madeleine]]''': Do you like it? I wanted this to be special, so I cooked!\
168	'''Michael''': [with a straight face] [[BlatantLies It's good!]]
169	*** ''Any'' time Maddie cooks or bakes and gives it to someone they usually only take one bite and then either swallow and change the subject or sneakily spit it out so that she doesn't see, if they eat it at all.
170	* Ep 3x04 ("Fearless Leader"):
171	** When Detective Paxton stops Mike from providing back up to Fiona on a "muscle job" to get money from a debtor.
172	---> '''Michael:''' I'm just here to pick up a friend from a poker game, she consumed an alcoholic beverage and I offered to give her a ride.\
173	''Cue Fi smashing the window with a chair after her "talk" goes south and running out with armed men following.''\
174	'''Michael:''' [looking up as Fi runs] She may have consumed ''two'' alcoholic beverages.
175	** Sam's IRS audit, first he thinks that his auditor is a woman due to his name: "Stacey Connolly", and sets up an attempt to seduce "her" with pink fruity drinks and a festive restaurant, the man was not amused. He gets a ''lot'' less obstructive when he realizes his superiors have punked him by sending him to audit a retired black operative. QED, this discussion of one such operation;
176	---> '''Stacey:''' The IRS does not allow classified deductions, Mr Axe. I'm disallowing this until the operation is made public. And then there's this... (''dangles handgun from pencil by trigger guard'')\
177	'''Sam:''' Well, you wanted documentation of my trip to the Middle East. That's it, the gun. I got it off this guy that was... in this group we were targeting.\
178	'''Stacey:''' Ah, so you stole it.\
179	'''Sam:''' Oh, I didn't steal it - he was... done with it.\
180	'''Stacey:''' So it was a gift.\
181	'''Sam:''' It's ''not'' a gift! There was this thing... and ''then''... the gun didn't have an owner anymore. ''[uses a hand gesture and gives a "get it?" look]''\
182	'''Stacey:''' ''[{{Beat}}. Dawning realization that he's auditing a state-sponsored hitman]'' ...I'm-I'm just gonna mark that as a "windfall income".
183	* In the ending of 3x05 ("Signals and Codes"):
184	-->'''Spencer:''' You'd better bring backup. That bitch is an alien!
185	** And in the same episode:
186	---> '''Spencer:''' I have to go. They're after me.\
187	'''Sam:''' (Sarcastically) The ''aliens''?\
188	'''Spencer:''' No. The cops. I broke out of a mental institution. Weren't you listening?
189	** From the same episode:
190	--->[[FunWithSubtitles Probably Not An Alien]]
191	** Really, Spencer is just a walking, talking funny moment all by himself.
192	* In 3x06 ("The Hunter"), Beck keeps whining and complaining about Michael's plan to keep them alive. Finally, when Michael asks for his shoelaces, he's had enough. He pulls a gun. "Why don't we listen to the guy with the gun for a change?" So Michael grabs his gun and points at back at him. "Okay. Now give me your shoelaces."
193	** From the same episode, Madeline's "cigarette interrogation technique." To explain: Maddie interrogates a mook in her garage while Sam and Fi scream about tactics in the kitchen. Maddie's absolutely calm demeanor and kindness while telling the mook not to worry because "I've ''never'' seen them make anyone suffer. If they don't think you're gonna break, they'll end it quick... Are you sure you don't want a cigarette?" makes the whole thing absolutely hilarious. Especially when she walks back into the kitchen and hands Sam and Fi the info they need. "Well, are you going to rescue my son or am I going to have to do that, too?"
194	-->'''Maddie:''' Are you sure you don't want that cigarette? Calms the nerves. And it's not like you have to worry about cancer any more. [sweet smile]
195	* If the assassination attempt in 3x07 ("Shot In The Dark"), doesn't make you laugh, the ending will. In an attempt to convince their target, Erik Luna, that someone's trying to kill him so that he skips town, Michael and company rig themselves with squibs (the Hollywood method of faking bullet wounds) and pretend to get shot to death by unseen assassins. [[RefugeInAudacity Each oversells the "death"]] in different, hilarious ways. There's also the earlier "parking lot" scene, where they turn the lights off and on, block Luna's cell phone reception, and generally have him [[PrimalFear peeing his pants in terror]].
196	** "Nice acting, Shakespeare. You look like you got shot with a bow and arrow."
197	** For the ending, Erik's attempt to flee is countered when he is dragged by his mobster brother to show him the dead bodies, so the PowerTrio quickly clean up and assume new cover [=IDs=]. The target is left screaming that the helpful priest (Michael), guy selling pineapples (Sam), and random attractive woman walking down the street (oh, guess) were not only really assassins, but were dead just a few hours ago. He gets dragged off to a mental hospital.
198	*** And then, to top it off, as he's being dragged away, Michael ''winks''. ''' IT. IS. AWESOME.'''
199	*** For some reason the way Michael glances up towards the sky for a split second during his priest impersonation always cracks me up.
200	*** Perhaps because he's pretending to glance up at God and pray for Luna's soul... while maybe trying not to crack a smile.
201	*** The brother does the same thing when Erik's in the car. I like to think he's rolling his eyes but I know he's not.
202	** Also, Michael [[RunningGag punching the asshole father Erik in the stomach over and over as part of his cover ID]].
203	** Hey, gang. We got firearms, and we got snacks.
204	** During the end, Michael and Joey (the son) are leaning against the car. After a few seconds Joey tries to imitate Mikey's exact pose.
205	* The episode when Michael, essentially, pretends to be {{Satan}}, by dressing as a ManOfWealthAndTaste and seeming to make things [[StuffBlowingUp explode]] with a snap of his fingers (really, pre-rigged with C-4).
206	* In a season 3 episode, Maddie wins an award for being a vigilant reporter of crimes (that ''Michael'' committed), and asks him to show up to the ceremony looking nice, wearing a tie. He agonizes about it for the whole episode, torn between being nice to his mother or avoiding police scrutiny (again, she won the award for reporting ''his'' crimes!). He does eventually show up, albeit reluctantly, ''in a clip-on tie'', looking extremely uncomfortable. His mom is thankful, they reconcile again, and Maddie decides that the award is nice, but isn't important. Then:
207	--> '''Maddie''': You can take the tie off now.\
208	'''Michael''': ''Thank you''.
209	* In 3x13 ("Enemies Closer"), Larry (yes, Dead Larry) shows up again, having gotten Michael into ''more'' trouble.
210	-->'''Michael''': Larry, why is a hitman in my apartment?\
211	'''Larry''': Well I think Juan Doe here would have preferred the term "Sicario."
212	** Then they're trying to dispose of a Cartel hitman's corpse in Michael's couch when Larry starts getting on everyone's nerves.
213	--->'''Sam''': Mike I'm just gonna say it, there's room for two in that couch.
214	** In the episode's other plotline, Michael is expected to steal some flight info and turns to Sam to infiltrate the Coast Guard.
215	-->'''Sam''': Oh, [[InterserviceRivalry the Navy's little sister?]] That's a good choice. How you going to get in? ''[Michael grins at him]'' Oh, don't give me that look!
216	** Sam and Michael go to see Fiona because they need help disposing of the body that Larry made. Fiona expects that it's Michael coming over for some afternoon delight, and greets them [[ReadyForLovemaking with a glass of wine in her underwear.]] Neither [[IgnoreTheFanservice Sam nor Michael comment on it]] [[NotDistractedByTheSexy beyond a]] [[UnusuallyUninterestingSight "Hey Fi" when they walk in.]]
217	-->'''Fiona''': Michael, when you asked if you could come over, you did not mention Sam.\
218	'''Sam''': It's nothing I haven't seen before.
219	** While Sam and Michael are stashing the body, Fiona looks through the guy's wallet and comments that the guy wasn't an organ donor, in case anyone's feeling guilty.
220	** Team Westen taps the cameras in an apartment where several hitmen are hiding out and treat it like a telenovela, "Casa De Sicario." Fiona is eating popcorn while watching the feed at one point.
221	** The Cartel boss texts the (dead) hitman.
222	--->'''Michael''': Looks like bossman's texting the dead guy.\
223	'''Fiona''': Is it coded?\
224	'''Michael''': Kind of. It's in Spanish. [Fiona gives him an irritated look] Look, if it were in Russian or Farsi, I - [Fiona grabs the phone.]
225	* In 3x14 ("Partners In Crime"), Sam is impersonating a CSI technician. And since it's [[Series/CSIMiami Miami]], expect GlassesPull and {{pun}}s each time he does. That is, twice.
226	** Later in the episode, Michael, undercover as an AxCrazy heroin smuggler, is (pretending) that he's about to kill the Villain of the Week. He shuts them both in the man's office, picking up one of those oddly-shaped awards and testing the point matter-of-factly before deeming it suitable for ventilating the guy. Then he switches to a letter opener.
227	[[/folder]]
228
229	[[folder:Season Four]]
230	* In 4x01 ("Friends and Enemies"):
231	** Mike gets back to Miami and finds Fiona loading several machine pistols. He's bundled into her car with little to no explanation and interrupts Sam and Fi arguing:
232	--->'''Michael''': Guys. ''Guys''. '''GUYS!''' I have a loaded machine pistol in my hand, and I have ''no idea what I'm doing!''\
233	'''Mike''': Remember, we want to have a nice, polite conversation with him, ''after'' we kidnap him.
234	* In 4x02 ("Fast Friends"), Michael and Fiona have to infiltrate an office building for a job. Fiona uses spray paint to write a message on the wall to hide their break-in (the rationale: laid off employers returning to spell out their anger). The message: "Outsource this!"
235	* From 4x05 ("Neighborhood Watch"), Fi and Michael get into a little argument quite demonstrative of some of the unique challenges to their relationship after Michael's telephone banter with the assassin they are hunting, after Fi had given Michael a little DeathGlare.
236	-->'''Fiona''': Someone's getting a little too flirty for his own good.\
237	'''Michael''': Fi, I'm trying to snatch Kendra off the street and tie her to a chair.\
238	'''Fiona''': You are ''not'' helping your cause.\
239	'''Michael''': This is just a harmless game of cat and mouse between me and a professional killer!
240	** Later they have a similar conversation
241	--->'''Fiona''': I wish our phone calls were that flirty...\
242	'''Michael''': She threatened to kill me.\
243	'''Fiona''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I can do that.]]
244	** In the same episode, the team is trying to get a drug gang to leave a clinic alone. The doctor in charge of the clinic is...less than confident about Michael's chances.
245	--->'''David''': And you're just going to click your fingers and make them go away?\
246	[{{beat}}]\
247	'''Michael''': [[ContinuityNod It's worked before.]]
248	** Caught at a drug operation's surprise roadblock, Jesse mumbles something when a Mook wants to know why he's there. The irate Mook leans unwisely close to Jesse and demands he repeat himself. "Why do you want to lose your teeth?" asks Jesse before knocking the goon flat.
249	** In the same episode, Michael and co. devise an intimidation strategy to get Cutler away from David's clinic. To help sell the bit, Michael mentions that he's gonna have to really look beat up. He THINKS David will be opposed to punching him. The good doctor barely let the sentence come out of his mouth before clocking him right in the face.
250	---> '''David:''' looking rather pleased with himself One more time?\
251	'''Michael:''' Yeah, just not quite as hard. chuckles dryly before the smile plummets off his face
252	* In episode 4x06 ("Entry Point), Michael and Jesse discuss a way to interrogate a captive...at least, they try to. Jesse is a bit too eager to get answers, and it's hard for Michael to complete a sentence. Michael is finally able to suggest a rendition play, and this happens.
253	--> '''Jesse:''' That could work. Delta's had some success with that in Afghanistan.
254	--> '''Michael:''' (the ex-Delta Force operative who was deployed in Afghanistan) Yeah, ''I know.''
255	--> '''Jesse:''' glances at Michael as if to say "What?"
256	* In 4x07 ("Past & Future Tense"), the team is taking on a Russian wetwork team. Cue showdown:
257	-->'''Russian:''' He's Michael Westen! There are only four of us! (Note there was originally five but the IneffectualSympatheticVillain mook was beat up and tied up for the second time in the episode)
258	** Then Paul Anderson shoots one of them and Michael yells at him.
259	---> '''Paul:''' Now you're telling me I can't shoot Russians when they invade Florida?
260	** Foreshadowed as early as the pilot episode where Michael's landlord discusses the theories the KGB had regarding Mike being too dangerous to be just one man, possibly multiple agents using the same name, or even a special team; and as such something of a bogeyman.
261	--->'''Oleg''': The real Michael Westen, yes?\
262	'''Michael''': Yeah.\
263	'''Oleg''': Back home, your story Russian intelligence tells to scare. They say you are one name for many people. Special operations team. They think one person cannot make so much problems.\
264	'''Michael''': Nope. Just me.
265	** Earlier in the showdown, Michael has them at bay with one of their captured teammates in an explosive vest on a dead man's switch:
266	--->'''Vitaly''': I kill Michael Weston, I am Russian hero.\
267	'''Michael''': [holds up the dead man's switch] There's a radio transmitter with a dead man's switch. Well in this case dead men. You shoot me, I drop this. [points at the captured man] No more Alexi, [points at the team leader] no more Vitaly, [points at an unnamed {{Mook}}] no more...that guy. Now put your weapons down!
268	** After interrogating the captured Russian, the team finds out that Paul's the target and the name of the bar he works at.
269	--->'''Michael''': Do you know where this bar is?\
270	'''Sam''': Uh, yeah. It's a bar. I'll drive.
271	* In 4x08 ("Where There's Smoke"), Maddie, in helping Michael and Jesse scout a bank, ends up getting caught (part of the plan) but unexpectedly ends up getting taken to the bank office where she will be arrested and taken to jail. Michael and Jesse have a freak out moment about the situation - going from "They'll know everything!" to "We have to break her out of jail!". Cue Madeline doing a StealthHiBye beside their car and knocking on the window, then lighting a cigarette and demonstrating the fake tears she used to get past the bank guards.
272	* Michael protecting a federal witness from a Turkish assassin in 4x09 ("Center of the Storm") leads to this hilarious exchange:
273	--> [Michael breaks into the house of the witness, punches him in the face to disarm him, and then drags him and his girlfriend into the kitchen]\
274	'''Bailey''': Who are you?!\
275	'''Michael''': I'm Michael Westen. I'm here to save you people.\
276	[the assassin bursts through the front door 5 seconds later]\
277	'''Cole''': Who are you?!\
278	'''Michael''': [looking mildly irritated] I'm Michael Westen! I'm here to save these people!
279	** Earlier in the episode, he's breaking into a shooter's apartment and finds a booby-trap - a claymore on a pressure-trigger. He's in the middle of disarming it - still in front of said claymore - when the shooter walks out of the closet.
280	--->'''Michael''': [still holding the string leading to the trigger] This is awkward.
281	*** Cole assumes he's a rival assassin. Michael, without missing a beat, proceeds to bluff. "Turks love me, ladies love me..."
282	** At the climax of the episode, Michael and Cole have pulled an EnemyMine against the assassin Michael was pretending to be. Cole saves Michael, only to pull a gun on him.
283	-->'''Cole''': Thank you, Michael. Looks like I'm going to be able to collect the fee on this job after all.\
284	'''Michael''': {{You have got to be kidding me}}.\
285	'''Cole''': [{{beat}}] Yeah, I am. [helps him up]
286	** [[ThoseTwoGuys FBI Agents Harris and Lane]] come by to thank Michael for saving Bailey - and their jobs. Despite the fact that the Bureau has no idea that Michael was the one who wrapped things up.
287	-->'''Harris''': Can't really say we owe it all to a burned spy. Suppose we could scratch our names off our commendations and send them your way, if you'd like.\
288	'''Michael''': Save them, they make ''great'' paperweights.
289	* Fiona's Southern-fried girl persona in her jail visit with Michael in 4x10 ("Hard Time"). Especially when she lunges across the table to FakeOutMakeOut to pass Michael a lockpick.
290	** Michael knocks out a gang leader with an explosion [[MacGyvering made from goodies he found in the prison infimary]]. Sam and Jesse are disguised as prison guards.
291	-->'''Sam''': Looks like Carlos [[{{Pun}} got some of his own medicine]].
292	* Fiona waking up Michael in 4x13 ("Eyes Open") by kicking him and having a familiar exchange:
293	-->'''Michael''': Where am I?\
294	'''Fiona''': Miami.
295	* In 4x14 ("Hot Property"):
296	-->'''Sam''': [[ItMakesSenseInContext You know what always cheers me up? Stealing a chemical weapon from a bunch of crazy South Americans.]]
297	** Earlier, in a Chinese restaurant.
298	--->'''Sam''': [with a rat sized hole in his sock] You could have told us this was a socks only kind of place...
299	* Maddie taking a picture of Nate and Michael in their cover [=IDs=] fancy suits. It's funny because anyone who has had a mother knows that's exactly what they would do.
300	** And then in the same episode, the look of sheer [[OhCrap Oh Crap-ness]] on Michael's face when Maddie wants to 'talk to him alone' and then quietly threats him with a cigarette EyeScream if Nate gets hurt.
301	*** Right before that, Maddie walks in on the three of them loading up to go retrieve a trio of stolen cars. Mike and Fiona cover up the shotguns with a coat, but [[TeamMom Maddie]] ''immediately'' catches on. Everyone looks guilty when she uncovers the weaponry.
302	---->'''Fiona''': [quietly] They're only loaded with beanbag rounds...
303
304	[[AC:12 - Last Stand]]
305	* Fiona and Michael are pinned down by Vaughn's mooks with barely any ammunition left and a bomb they're planning to set off in the own laps. So, naturally, Fiona picks this time to razz Michael about his attempted HeroicSacrifice.
306	-->'''Fiona''': I am ''tired'' of you making all the decisions in this relationship!
307	* Michael is caught on the roof of an abandoned hotel; he's disarmed one of The Organization's mooks, but the man taunts him that the whole roof is covered by guns, meaning he can either hunker down and wait to get captured, or get shot trying to make it to the door. Michael takes a third option:
308	-->'''Michael''': ''(narrating)'' To rappel down a building, you need something to slow your descent. Usually that's an anchor point, but a counterweight is equally effective.\
309	''[Close-up of the mook getting dragged across the graveled surface of the roof, grunting and swearing.]''\
310	'''Michael''': Although it's not much fun for whoever gets to ''be'' the counterweight.
311	[[/folder]]
312
313	[[folder:Season Five]]
314	* In 5x03 ("Mind Games"), Nate is enthusiastically trying to convince Michael to convert the Charger into "a spy-mobile," with such fun gadgets as a smokescreen button on the dash. Michael's [[DeadpanSnarker deadpan]] response: "You know what happens to smoke at 60 miles an hour, Nate? [[DidntThinkThisThrough It dissipates.]]"
315	** Then Nate asks Mike if he's leaving for a "super-secret spy meeting". Mike makes a shushing hand gesture. "Super secret." Scene cuts to... Michael and Fiona shopping for drapes.
316	** The client of the week mentions that as a loan shark is on her, she can't afford to pay them...unless Mike is willing to accept [[TrademarkFavoriteFood free yogurt.]] Nate grins, and there's a moment's pause.
317	--->'''Michael''': ''"Deal!"''
318	*** Followed by the two walking out of the shop with big containers of yogurt, Michael's ''piled'' high.
319	* Michael's dismay at tearing the sleeve of his tux when thrown out of a charity auction.
320	** And subsequent OhCrap expression when asked if it was a rental.
321	** Sam gets unwillingly pulled into a job with Fiona and Jesse. He's less than pleased to find out that they made him drive all the way across town to take down a low-level operative. Then he ''sees'' the guy.
322	-->'''Sam''': [[OhCrap Oh.]] Somebody call the zoo, because a freaking grizzly just escaped.
323	** Sam and Jesse double-team the guy, and are losing the fight until Fiona comes in with a shotgun loaded with beanbag rounds. [[AmusingInjuries Her first shot hits Sam in the back.]] Her second [[GroinAttack nails the guy in the pills and drops him.]]
324	* Jesse teasing Michael in 5x05 ("Square One) about the changes Fiona has made since moving into the loft, including a breadbasket and potpourri.
325	* In 5x06 ("Enemy of My Enemy"). Jesse advertises his presence to one of Mike's targets by shooting his sniper rifle at said target. The target takes cover, and when the shooting stops, he looks back up to see Jesse shot a frowny face in the wall where his head had been.
326	** Jesse pretending to be a junkie.
327	** Fiona is covering Mike and Sam outside a building during their meeting with Carmelo. Mike calls the bad guys' attention to the fact, then:
328	--->'''Fi''': ''(lowering her rifle)'' You can take this one.\
329	'''Jesse''': ''(raising his own)'' Seriously? Thank you!
330	*** His tone and expression are that of a kid whose mother has said he can ride the bumper cars one more time.
331	* In 5x11 ("Better Halves"), Michael and Fiona go undercover as a couple in Venezuela to find a bioweapons specialist and his wife.
332	** Fiona lampshades Michael's difficulty with relationships, considering he's managed to talk drug lords, mercenaries, and all sorts of other bad guys into doing what he wants.
333	** Michael bribes Fiona into going on the mission with him with half the discretionary fund the CIA supplied, and she accepts, saying she can add a new dress to her collection. Then she snags the other half and mentions she'll add some shoes, too. The dress meets an ignominious end when Michael has to tear the long, flowing skirt to create a BedsheetLadder.
334	** Scouting out their targets during a dance:
335	-->'''Michael''': Shall we tango? [the two pull apart, and Michael gives Fiona an irritated look] Can ''I'' lead?\
336	'''Fiona''': Fine. Just this once.
337	* Sam's deadpan reaction to Anson in "Damned If You Do":
338	-->"It's official. Guy's a dick."
339	* Jesse and Nate on a stakeout.
340	-->'''Nate''': We should have taken my car. At least I wouldn't have had to listen to 2 hours of Music/{{Queen}}.\
341	'''Jesse''': Now you're ragging on my playlist?\
342	'''Nate''': It's shriekey.\
343	'''Jesse''': If shriekey you mean angelic then I agree with you.
344	** Rebecca criticizing Michael for promising more than he can deliver:
345	-->'''Rebecca''': "Yeah, why don't you just promise him a walk on the moon while you're at it?" \
346	'''Sam''': "Don't get him started. I don't have any buddies at NASA."
347	[[/folder]]
348
349	[[folder:Season Six]]
350	* Barry requesting Sam's help in 6x06 ("Shock Wave"), noting that if he gets caught, all of his files will be turned over as opposed to just the ones that will help Fi. This would mean that all of his clients would get arrested including Mike and Sam.
351	-->'''Sam:''' You said those tax shelters were perfectly legal!\
352	'''Barry:''' What part of tax shelter sounds perfectly legal to you?!
353	** Of course, Sam is only helping Barry because [[spoiler: Sam isn't being allowed to come along to apprehend Anson.]]
354	-->'''Pearce''': If he's in the mix and we come up empty-handed again, every one of my bosses will line up to kick me.\
355	'''Michael''': It's the Agency's loss. Sam is as good as I am. [{{beat}}] And he accepts domestic beer as payment!
356	* Michael in 6x08 ("Unchained"), demonstrating some interesting mental gymnastics to explain pulling a weapon on an FBI agent, to appropriately disbelieving looks from Pearce, Sam and Fi:
357	-->'''Michael:''' I didn't threaten him. I asked him questions with a gun in my hand. A gun I have the right to legally carry.
358	* Jesse in the season 6 mid season finale the way he keeps drawing attention to the fact he has no shoes. Jesse: "No shoes, no shoes in Panama!"
359	** And then when they finish a semi-dangerous part of the plan, cut to a close up of the guys shoes and Jesse casually asking: "What size shoes do you think he has?"
360	** [[Film/InTheHeatOfTheNight "Tibbs. They call me Señor Tibbs."]]
361	* Sam and Jesse are facing down an angry Central American drug lord and his private goons, and they've only got a few rounds of ammo left. Sam takes CasualDangerDialogue to a whole new level:
362	-->'''Sam:''' [jumps up, fires twice, and immediately ducks down again] Well, that was fun. I'm out.
363	* In "Desperate Measures", Michael and the team are stuck in Panama [[spoiler: with the guy who killed Nate]]. Michael gets pinned down by some Cartel gunmen, who shout at him in Spanish to drop his gun.
364	-->'''Michael''': ''I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH!''
365	* In the 2012 fall premiere, Mike tosses Fiona a pair of C4 charges and points out two cars he wants her to blow up. "Big?" she asks regarding the explosion size. "Bigger," he answers, leading Fi to light up like a kid on Christmas morning.
366	** Another one happens near the end of the premiere when dealing with the bad guy of the episode:
367	*** '''Michael:''' "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is" [boom] "and I'm from the department of [boom]." Hilarious.
368	* Calvin Schmidt's nicknames for the team. "You two, Black George Clooney, and the Guy With The Chin..."
369	** Jesse gets the brunt of it, with everything from "Bald Man" to "Sinead O'Handsome".
370	** Schmidt's episode is a light spot in a dark part of the sixth season.
371	* In the season six finale ("Game Change"), Michael gets himself into a MexicanStandOff with Riley, then forces her into another one with the Coast Guard while aboard a Cartel kingpin's yacht.
372	-->'''Narrator!Michael:''' Most people don't think of the Coast Guard as particularly well armed. Most people are wrong.
373	[[/folder]]
374
375	[[folder:Season Seven]]
376	* In "Nature of the Beast," Sam and Michael have to talk a drug lord (who wants to become an informant) into siding with them instead of MI-6. Michael suggests offering him a better deal.
377	-->'''Sam''': You sure that's gonna fly? Because he's been talking to our friends across the ditch for close to a year. Why would he jump ship now? [pauses as Michael opens a massive [[BriefcaseFullOfMoney case of cash in front of him]]] Well, that's a start.
378	* Despite the massive WhamEpisode that is 7x11 ("Tipping Point"), it manages to have a few funny moments.
379	-->'''Strong''': James and Sonya just lit us up. We're going to have to land.\
380	'''[[spoiler: Simon]]''': Sorry to hear that. Um... buckle up?
381	** He provides some decent humor in a dark season.
382	-->'''[[spoiler:Simon]]''': You wanna cry for someone, what about ''my'' team? Paco? {[[{{Beat}} waggles gun]]} That guy over there?
383	[[/folder]]

Context Funny / BurnNotice