Line #44 Funny/BarneyMiller


1	* In "Experience" the squad learns that there is a bomb in the building and are frantically manning the phones trying to reach the bomb disposal unit and get the building evacuated. At one point in the confusion, Barney and Wojo end up on the phone with each other, and Wojo strikes a hilariously conversational tone.
2	* This classic moment of Nick taking a call from a man whose car was stolen.
3	-->'''Nick:''' What kind of car, Mr. Ravelli? "Studebaker". Could you describe the car, please? "Black fenders", "silver doors", "green hood", "polka dot seat covers", "monkey fur dashboard".'' [{{Beat}}]'' Maybe it wasn't stolen. Maybe it ran away. ''[{{Beat}}]'' Mr. Ravelli? Will you hold a minute? I gotta find a pencil. ''[uses the pencil as a replacement chopstick for his lunch]'' Okay go ahead.\
4	''[later, after Nick has hung up]''\
5	'''Nick:''' ''[looks at his pencil]'' Oh my god, I ate my eraser.
6	* After learning she's nabbed "Lenny the Confessor" rather than the actual thief, Wentworth angrily grills him about what he stole (which he naturally can't answer).
7	-->'''Wentworth:''' You know what you are?! You're a--\
8	'''Barney:''' Wentworth!\
9	'''Wentworth:''' ''[opens her purse and [[{{Angrish}} screams unintelligibly into it]]]''
10	* The episode "Horse Thief", where a hansom cab driver named Fuzzo "borrows" a horse from the police stables when his own is stolen. Soon enough mounted officer Shriker comes in, looking to beat the crap out of Fuzzo, but Barney talks him down by telling him to see how well Fuzzo has cared for it. Shriker responds by thoughtfully going "pbbbbbbh" the way a horse does. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=N8XuQ5OfINY#t=104 It's better to watch than to try and write it out]].
11	* The brownies episode. Unbeknownst to Wojo, the brownies his girlfriend has baked are laced with hashish, and he shares them with Fish, Harris, and Yemana. By the middle of the episode, all four are stoned out of their gourds - Yemana keeps breaking into song; reciting silly rhymes and uttering gibberish. Harris is grinning like a loon, and Fish jumps across rooftops to collar a suspect a third of his age and actually stands up to defend Bernice's honour. The next day, Barney, the only one not to sample the brownies, suggests the other detectives forget the whole incident. Luckily for him, they don't need to pretend - they actually ''have'' forgotten it.
12	-->'''Barney:''' ''(handing the box of brownies to Harris)'' Take these things, have them analyzed, fast! Nick... ''([[FingertipDrugAnalysis Harris takes a brownie and eats it]])'' NOT THAT WAY!
13	* In one episode, an army recruiting sergeant visits to report calls he received from someone threatening to blow up his facility. It is implied that he fought in World War II, and can barely contain his prejudice when he sees Lt. Yemana, a Japanese-American cop. Yemana has fun needling him over it;
14	-->'''Sergeant Reville''': It just isn't right. Why would someone threaten to blow up a U.S. military installation?\
15	'''Yemana''': Nostalgia?
16	* The bombastic District Attorney arguing and berating stage-shy Wojo about his need to be credible in front of the jury:
17	--> '''Wojo:''' I GOTTA GO TO THE CAN! ''[slams door in the DA's face]''\
18	''[{{Beat}}]''\
19	'''District Attorney:''' ''Good!'' I believe you!
20	* Fish {{Troll}}s a JerkAss landlord who started by saying "hey you, old guy!" and ranting about what a rush he was in to evict an elderly tenant. Fish starts to type out the complaint form ''really slowly'', making the guy fume even more. His riposte is classic:
21	--> '''Fish:''' Sorry, but I'm ''old''.
22	* The reaction when the owner of a Hindu restaurant walks in, looking less like a Bodhisattva than a certain other religious figure known for [[LooksLikeJesus his long brown hair and beard and flowing white clothes...]]
23	-->'''Bookie:''' I'll give you seventy-five to one it ain't!\
24	''[later, when Bodhisattva talks to the detectives]''\
25	'''Bodhisattva:''' I was sent here.\
26	'''Fish:''' ''[apprehensively]'' ...For anyone in particular?
27	* This exchange in "The Counterfeiter," after the man who turned in the money learns that he's out $35 for being honest and not fobbing it off on someone else.
28	-->'''Harris:''' "There is no justice, in or out of court." Clarence Darrow.\
29	'''Dietrich:''' "Upholding the law is everybody's business." [[IceCreamKoan Dick Tracy, Crime Stopper's Textbook]].
30	* A man arguing with the man who did plastic surgery on his wife.
31	--> '''Doctor:''' Are you implying I'm perverted?\
32	'''Husband:''' ''[suggestive look]'' God knows what you've done to ''yourself.''
33	* Many of the jokes about Yemana's horrible coffee:
34	-->'''Yemana''': Coffee?\
35	'''Coffee-drinker''': Oh, no, thank you, I can't drink coffee. Do you have any more of ''this''?
36	** In another episode Yemana reveals that he uses rain-water that leaks down from the roof, on the basis that this process "filters out the impurities". Someone complains that it ''tastes'' like a roof.
37	* A man involved in dog fights is brought in, but his dog, suspected of being rabid, escapes. While the man is in holding, the detectives get a call to go out and leave Yemana behind to watch the office. Then, the dog shows up and growls at him. Yemana gets up slowly and makes his way to the cell while talking down the dog. When he gets to the cell, he unlocks it and opens the door, then jumps inside and locks it.
38	* Trying to get a witness to admit that he ''was'' a witness to a gang-related multiple killing in his restaurant, Harris and Dietrich have to spend weeks shut up in a hotel with him, getting progressively more unkempt and aggravated. Harris yells ScrewThisImOuttaHere and walks out... but not for long.
39	-->'''Dietrich:''' Dressed like ''that?''\
40	''[[[TheDandy Harris]] turns around and comes back in.]''
41	* In "Atomic Bomb", Nick and Wojo bring in a physics graduate student who claims that the project he is building for his master's degree thesis is a functional atomic bomb that simply lacks a power source. Sgt. Kavanaugh, a 22-year veteran of the bomb squad, is convinced it is actually a stereo or ham radio, and starts to convince Barney of this as well. Then Dietrich walks in...
42	-->'''Dietrich:''' Captain, I got a make on Swanson, he's got an office over at... ''[sees the contraption on the desk]'' Where the hell'd you get the atomic bomb?
43	* "Voice Analyzer"
44	** Scanlon comes in after a newspaper article accuses numerous precincts of accepting bribes, intent on using a prototype voice analyzer to dig up something on the detectives. [[HotBlooded Wojo]] sends the supposed lie detector into overdrive when asked his name, Dietrich utterly confounds it with a series of BlatantLies. When Barney's turn comes up, he refuses to "volunteer" for the test, and then tricks Scanlon into saying (with the machine running and actively disagreeing) that his investigation is nothing personal and he does not have a grudge against the 12th Precinct. [[HoistByHisOwnPetard Being on record that he's there for a personal grudge, Scanlon has to call the whole thing off.]]
45	** Harris is booking a thief who stole a truck of furs and asks Levitt to take him downstairs for prints and photographs.
46	-->'''Pelligrini:''' What, you don't think I'll try to run?\
47	'''Harris:''' ''[without looking up]'' He'll just shoot you down like the others.
48	* "The Spy"
49	** Barney comes in, finding Harris preparing a report on a woman for indecent exposure. Barney looks alarmed until Harris clarifies that she was the ''victim,'' not the perpetrator.
50	** Harris is booking a mime who proceeds to (miming) open a banana and begin eating.
51	-->'''Harris:''' No eating in the squad room. ''[the mime tosses the banana]'' Pick that up!
52	* "Paternity"
53	** After Wojo learns he's sterile, he goes [[CompensatingForSomething completely berserk]] on the next call. Dietrich reports this by laconically saying "...then the Wojo Express rolls in."
54	** Barney calls Wojo to his office and reads him the riot act for recklessly endangering himself and a fellow officer. Wojo just wails "I ain't ever gonna have a kid to yell at!"
55	* In "The Rainmaker," an official from the Water Department is called in to answer for the rainmaker he hired and proceeds to unleash a HurricaneOfPuns that he seems ''completely unaware of.''
56	-->"...you have to understand, captain, that this drought situation has put the entire water department under a great deal of pressure... I go home at night, and I am completely drained. [A rainmaker] was spouting off about how he could make it rain... if it ever leaks to the press that some drip from the water department hired a rainmaker at the taxpayers' expense... This is coming out of my own pocket. After this, I am tapped out."
57	* When pressuring Barney to out the gay cop, Scanlon tries to make himself seem less sinister by waxing poetic about how after spending the whole day dealing with women who are thieves, prostitutes, or violent, a "good clean cop" in a nice blue uniform might not seem too bad... and gets rather a longing look on his face.
58	* A man claiming to be Jesus gives Wojo a statement that takes up twelve pages. Wojo shows it to Barney and calls it "Wojo's Epistle to the Manhattanites."
59	* In "The Bird," Wojo buys a parrot that promptly dies in the squadroom. The merchant initially is resistant to provide a refund until he finds out Wojo is a cop...and then is frantic to refund him far more than he paid for the bird. After some prodding (and a near-breakdown by the merchant) he comes clean that he expects PoliceBrutality, even though the men of the 12th have never done that to him.
60	-->'''Tragash:''' I've moved to the city only recently.\
61	'''Barney:''' From where?\
62	'''Tragash:''' Philadelphia.\
63	'''Barney and Wojo together:''' [[TakeThat Oooooohh...]]
64	* A number of Chasidic Jews, protesting the police's sluggish response to a rash of muggings targeting them, start rioting downstairs after Luger offends them while trying to calm the situation. Moments later, a brick crashes through the squadroom window, but the young men who apparently threw it approach the door in a completely casual, almost benign fashion. (Which does not stop them from evidently sacking the room and roughing up Levitt.)
65	* As "Smog Alert" opens, Det. Battista (making her second and final appearance) transcribes a graffito from the ladies' bathroom in a subway station, calls the number of the perpetrator, and pretends to be the intended object of his proposition in order to arrest him. Then the other detectives read it, one by one...
66	** Yemana is eager to be the first one to read it, but Barney overrules him:
67	--->'''Barney:''' What was that all about?\
68	'''Battista:''' I'm gonna pick that guy up, Captain Miller. You never read such a filthy proposition in your life!\
69	'''Nick:''' What'd it say?\
70	'''Barney:''' Battista, I can understand your being angry, but... unfortuntately, graffiti has become a rather common and accepted form of expression in New York.\
71	'''Nick:''' What'd it say?\
72	'''Barney:''' ''[impatiently]'' Nick! ''[Nick tries to look innocent]''\
73	'''Battista:''' Okay, you wanna know what it said? Come on, I'll show you. I copied it down for evidence. ''[picks up the page and hands it to Barney]'' There. Can you ''believe'' that?\
74	'''Barney:''' ''[after a few seconds' stunned silence]'' ... Three exclamation points?\
75	'''Battista:''' No, those are mine. ''[Harris starts to look interested]'' But it was ''on the wall'' in the ladies' room, that means he was in there!\
76	'''Harris:''' Lemme see it. ''[Barney gives him a look]'' Oh, just... professional opinion.
77	** As Battista tries to persuade Barney to let her arrest the perpetrator, Harris starts reading the transcribed graffito, joined by Nick after a few seconds. Their expressions are a mixture of amusement and utter confusion.
78	--->'''Nick:''' It's too complicated to be obscene.\
79	'''Battista:''' Aw, come on, Captain, lemme go get him! Just this once!\
80	'''Barney:''' ''[sighs]'' Okay, but take somebody with you.\
81	'''Battista:''' Oh, no no no, this is something I can do myself!\
82	'''Nick:''' ''[dropping the paper on the desk]'' I don't think so...
83	** As Battista leaves to make the arrest, Wojo picks up the paper, spends a few puzzled seconds reading it, then tosses it onto Fish's desk. Fish arrives a moment later, out of breath from the smog; Barney sends Yemana to get him a glass of water ("Anyone see the strainer?" he asks). Then Harris delivers a message...
84	--->'''Harris:''' Oh, um, Fish, Bernice called.\
85	'''Fish:''' What did she want?\
86	'''Harris:''' Uh, I don't know, Nick took the message. It's probably on your desk.\
87	''[Harris leaves as Fish picks up the nearest piece of paper - Battista's graffito transcript. The studio audience roars with laughter as Nick returns, sees what Fish is reading, and starts drinking the glass of water himself; Abe Vigoda and Jack Soo both proceed to give masterful displays of FacialDialogue]''\
88	'''Fish:''' ''[a smirk tugging at his lips]'' Are you ''sure'' this is from Bernice?
89	* In "The Psychic", a language professor is arrested for vandalizing an ad that set him off for how it uses the English language. Dietrich, true to form, decides to troll the professor. First, he reacts to the professor's explanation that once in a while, a tiny error of grammar or mechanics "makes [him] go crazy" by saying "Irregardless, you wanna take a seat over there?" After a further rant on the decline of the English language culminating in fuming over the sloppiness of the name "Filet o' Fish", while Dietrich is filling out the paperwork, Dietrich asks him, "Next o' kin?"
90	* In "Fear of Flying", Wojo is tasked with accompanying salesman Frederick Clooney to Cleveland to stand trial for bigamy (a concept that baffles Fish utterly). Nick spends the episode making jokes about his destination being a PlaceWorseThanDeath.
91	** The snark begins when Wojo arrives in the squad room, dressed in a jacket and tie and handcuffed to Mr. Clooney.
92	--->'''Wojo:''' Hi, guys.\
93	'''Chano:''' ''[takes in the sight]'' Well, well, well! Don't we look classy!\
94	'''Harris:''' ''[also chuckling]'' You know, uh... with that suit, he's either getting married, or he's dead.\
95	'''Wojo:''' ''[unlocking the handcuffs]'' I came by to pick up some things. I'm goin' to Cleveland.\
96	'''Nick:''' He's dead.
97	** When Gloria, the New York Mrs. Clooney, shows up at the precinct and tries to overdose on sleeping pills, the detectives scramble to keep her alert while Wojo calls a hospital and Fish calls a pharmacist to determine what she took, and Nick's snark continues:
98	--->'''Barney:''' How you feeling, Mrs. Clooney?\
99	'''Gloria:''' ''[as Chano rubs her right hand while Harris takes her pulse with her left wrist]'' Oh, embarrassed... disgusted... alone... deserted...\
100	'''Clooney:''' ''[frantic]'' Deserted?? I'm not deserting you, Gloria! They're taking me to Cleveland by force!\
101	'''Nick:''' It's the only way I'd go.
102	** When the detectives have successfully induced vomiting (with Nick's coffee, naturally), Wojo, who admits to Barney that he is terrified of flying, tries calling the weather service to see if the flight will be grounded by storms. No such luck; the nearest storm is in Fiji, so once Gloria is on her way to hospital, Wojo takes Mr. Clooney out of the cell to leave for the airport.
103	--->'''Barney:''' Have a good time in Cleveland!\
104	'''Nick:''' You could be the first.
105	* In "Bones," Wojo brings in a would-be mugger who tried to jump a Scoutmaster and got manhandled. The guy declares he wants his rights, and Wojo protests he already read them to him. The mugger insists he wants to hear it in Spanish, and Wojo promptly starts, in accented but passable Spanish, until the guy waves him off.
106	-->'''Wojo:''' [[{{Troll}} You wanna hear it in Polish?]]

Context Funny / BarneyMiller