Line #1 Funny/AssassinsCreedOrigins


1	* In one of the constellation missions, the flashback audio reveals that Khemu has a friend named Kenon with some... [[ShoutOut familiar views on life]].
2	-->'''Khemu:''' Papo, what is best in life?\
3	'''Bayek:''' To seek justice and truth. To live with honor. To protect the weak and poor. And to love your mother.\
4	'''Khemu:''' My friend Kenon said it was to ''[adopts a snarling voice]'' [[Film/ConanTheBarbarian1982 "Crush our enemies, and hear the lamentations of their women!"]]\
5	'''Bayek:''' We are ''Medjay'', son. Not barbarians.
6	** The vaguely scandalized note in Bayek's voice is what drives it home.
7	** The Osiris constellation has Bayek recounting how Osiris was chopped into pieces, and his wife couldn't recover a [[CripplingCastration certain part]] as it was eaten by a fish, but declines to say which. Then Khemu asks "this means he couldn't make babies anymore, right?" Bayek responds, "You are growing up way too quickly."
8	** Khemu also confesses that he likes this girl, but is unsure if she likes him back. He thinks she does because of the way she smiles at him before running away. Bayek is uncertain how to respond to this and suggests he go ask Aya.
9	* Because no one understands the Apple of Eden, Bayek and the Order of the Ancients end up using it as [[ImprobableUseOfAWeapon a bludgeon to smash each other's heads]]. It is hilarious to see that the most revered relic of the entire franchise can be used in such a low-tech way.
10	-->'''Bayek:''' Here! Here! And here is your nobody! ''[proceed to bash out the man that killed his son]''
11	* When sneaking Cleopatra in to speak with Caesar, [[CarpetRolledCorpse rolled up in a carpet]], Aya wonders if she's doing okay.
12	-->'''Cleopatra:''' ''[muffled]'' I'm fine.
13	** A few minutes later, Aya gets concerned about the soldiers:
14	--->'''Aya:''' Could we take them?\
15	'''Bayek:''' Of course we can. We have better gods.\
16	'''Cleopatra:''' ''[still in the carpet]'' AreWeThereYet?
17	* In the modern-day portions, the player can read Layla's emails and hear some of her personal audio recordings. One of the things she's done is [[EvilIsPetty reprimand Otso Berg for using her parking space]], and then [[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu send him a patchwork piece ordered from Deanna's "Bitches 'n' Stitches" site]]. Berg's reaction to the latter is the icing on the cake; he admits that he's going to keep it because the craftwork is amazing, which leads the beautiful image of a professional desk at Abstergo with an F-bomb sitting next to the monitor.
18	** During the parking space argument, there's a great bit of snark from Berg, who responds to Layla's indignant e-mail by saying if she's so bothered about the matter, she should file a complaint... but he knows how much she hates paperwork, and will never be able to do it.
19	* One side quest in Memphis has Bayek helping an oppressed baker in hopes that it will help him in his future cause against Ptolemy. That and also because her bread smells delicious.
20	** The first half of this quest requires Bayek to rescue the baker (Teta's) [[LargeHam tax-evading taster]], who is secretly in love with her. When Bayek brings him back to the bakery, this conversation happens:
21	--->'''Sasobek:''' [[AnguishedDeclarationOfLove Teta, I love you!]]\
22	'''Teta:''' [[FlatWhat What?]]\
23	'''Sasobek:''' [[MoodWhiplash And I uncovered a plot to poison Taimhotep, beloved wife of the high priest!]]\
24	'''Teta:''' [[BigWhat WHAT?]]\
25	'''Bayek:''' [[RuleOfTwo WHAT?!]]
26	* Often, especially in cities, as Bayek is walking around, he will start attracting cats, who apparently have no concern whatsoever about the tall dude covered in a variety of weapons.
27	** Gets even weirder in one mission, which requires Bayek to protect a Bastet worshipper, who has a small gang of cats following him as well.
28	** Said mission is all kinds of crazy anyway. Said Bastet worshipper is picking fights with Roman soldiers for attacking cats, and Bayek has to lead him out of Alexandria, while he keeps picking fights, in-between asking him to stop ranting. Once he's outside the city limits, Bayek tells him to go to the Temple of Bastet in Yamu, just so long as he doesn't tell the priestess about Bayek. And as the guy walks off, with his kittens following him, Bayek actually ''says'' "just keep walking... don't turn back..."
29	* One of the Heavy Blunt Weapons is called [[CrossesTheLineTwice the Headache Cure]]. An another one [[note]]Although it's a Helix weapon, so it's extremely rare or needs special currency[[/note]], LOLCAT, is a long blunt weapon with a mummified cat at the end. What better way to respect old Egyptian beliefs than to use a cat's corpse to beat people senseless?
30	--> It's very important that you understand that [[BlatantLies the work we do here is absolutely serious]]. [[SeriousBusiness No fun allowed]].
31	* When he gets back from the second level of assassinations, Apollodorus offers Bayek a glass of wine. Bayek just [[INeedAFreakingDrink grabs the bottle]] and downs it. Apollodorus looks exasperated for a bit, but then toasts him as if to say "That's fair."
32	* For the ''Videogame/FinalFantasyXV'' tie in missions, Ardyn just shows up in his Eos clothes, Bahamut appears, and they both leave. There is no context, no speaking, just a weird guy in a hat and 2000 years ahead in fashion.
33	* Sab and Onnos, the {{Cloudcuckoolander}} priests of Amun Bayek meets in a side quest of ''Curse of the Pharaohs''. Sab somehow managed to scale his way up a giant statue by the time Bayek finds him and performs a Leap of Faith [[AchievementsInIgnorance completely accidentally]] because he can't figure out how to get down. We later meet his friend Onnos, who seems almost too eager to try taking on bandits and lions himself using his own [[ASimplePlan elaborate plans]] involving [[NoodleImplements dead rabbits and shovels]].
34	** While talking with Sab, he tells Bayek to get rid of the crocodiles without killing them (since that's against their religion). Bayek's response? "''Shoo'' the crocodiles?" He can't even finish asking if Sab is serious before just sighing in irritation.
35	* One quest has Bayek rescuing a very drunk Greek guy from some crocodiles. The guy's pretty surprised to find his wife supposedly sent him, because he doesn't remember having one. Then he starts sharing too much information.
36	-->'''Klaudios:''' All the women I ever tried to f-\
37	'''Bayek:''' ''Shut up!'' Please!
38	* The mission "The Last Bodyguard" has Bayek conscripted to play bodyguard to a BrattyTeenageDaughter. Cue Bayek, a man who can plow through swarms of goons without much difficult, being completely baffled by a teenaged girl's behaviour.
39	-->'''Bayek:''' ''[under his breath]'' Are you Sekhmet, sent here to test me?\
40	'''Kara:''' What was that?\
41	'''Bayek:''' Nothing.
42	** His incredulous "there are ''different'' kinds of linen?!". It's just so unlike Bayek to be so out of his depth.
43	** And after the quest, if Bayek speaks to Kara again, she'll ask if he's come to be her bodyguard full time. Bayek responds in terror that he isn't, he's just passing through, until [[TheGadfly the girl laughs and says he's quite gullible]].
44	* During Hilarus' mission, he and Bayek get into a competition about the former's glory days, mentioning Pompey used to compare him to a camel. Bayek takes a moment to notice this.
45	-->'''Bayek:''' Wait... Pompey compared you to a camel?
46	* The store pack has the option of silly items and mounts. Enjoy the bizarre spectacle of riding across the sands of Egypt on a uni-camel, mowing down bandits and Romans with a large cotton bud.
47	** The uni-camel's description alone, which is practically sarcasm incarnate:
48	--->'''Description:''' When a mommy camel and a daddy unicorn love each other very much...
49	* A mission in Thebes has Bayek recovering a dream-seer's notes, finding another papyrus from one of the thieves, who tried using them for himself. His idea of advice leaves a lot to be desired, like noting one guy is apparently cursed to misfortunate, then asking how misfortunate he can get when he's already down one leg? Or another man dreaming his wife will leave him, which is impressive given his lack of a wife to begin with. And the last note? Wondering why these people aren't satisfied with his advice.
50	* Ubisoft released a video called "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyOHat3p_W4 Tales from the Tomb]]" which have hieroglyphs talking about Bayek's exploits.
51	* After assassinating the Hippo, you get the bathhouse ModestyTowel Bayek wore as an outfit. If you toggle the hood on it? A second towel appears draped over his head like a hood.
52	* The description for the Leather Bag: "Recursion at its finest."
53	** Almost everything in the inventory has some kind of snarky description, but the crowner has to be the trilogy of the Lyre, Lute, and Tambourine.
54	-->'''Lyre Description:''' Imagining a stirring solo, you grab the lyre and pluck a few chords. But you don't know how to play it, so instead, you return it to your bag with a melancholy sigh.
55	-->'''Lute Description:''' [[RageQuit You're not even going to bother with this one.]] Especially not after the Lyre Incident...
56	-->'''Tambourine Description:''' You can't possibly mess up the tambourine. Or can you?
57	* The girl peddling fake Siwan artifacts in "Forging Siwa." Pretty much everything she says.
58	** If you take the aggressive approach to saving her mother, Bayek will steal her CatchPhrase:
59	--->"I got a nice sword! WOULD YOU LIKE?!"
60	** The reward is a "genuine" Imitation Siwan Kopesh. The item description is dripping with sarcasm.
61	--> ''A fake khopesh that's not even from Siwa. Every effort was spared in its cheap, indifferent construction. However, the damage it does is remarkably genuine.''
62	* For [[BilingualBonus anyone who knows Greek]], walking through Alexandria is hilarious. There is nothing quite like hearing all sorts of insults to your intellect and lineage in the Greek equivalent of Shakespearean English.
63	-->"Whose offspring is this!?"\
64	"People's idiocy is immortal."\
65	"Call for the beast and the beast will come."\
66	"Oh mourn this outmost foolishness!"\
67	"Hello, idiot!"
68	** Similarly, Roman guards who see one of their companions die will occasionally shout "irrumabo!", a Latin curse word that is often translated as [[PrecisionFStrike "fuck"]] but is actually [[TakeOurWordForIt far more graphic and far more specific.]]

Context Funny / AssassinsCreedOrigins