History Quotes / BillClinton

-->--'''''{{Wiki/Uncyclopedia}}'''''

->''"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."''

->''"Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate."''

->The infamous (and completely baseless) “Bill Clinton body count list” has been a fixture of conspiracy theorising since the late nineties...Those opposed to Clinton could cite the suicide of Vince Foster or the death of Ron Brown as evidence that the Clintons were not who they claimed to be. Those defending Clinton (like Monica Lewinsky or Hillary Clinton) could argue that the President was the victim of “a vast right-wing conspiracy.” The nineties saw the emergence of [[UsefulNotes/ConspiracyTheories conspiracy theory]] as a tool of political discourse, and President Clinton was a major part of that.

-->-- '''Creator/ToniMorrisson''', "On the First Black President", 1998

->He's UsefulNotes/JimmyCarter with a {{Creator/Fox}} attitude!

->For the most urgent matters, this Clinton man is a formidable enemy. He might be a stronger enemy than King Darius.

->A man might 'forget' where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

->Years ago, in the middle of the Whitewater investigation, one heard the first murmurs: white skin notwithstanding, this [[PrettyFlyForAWhiteGuy is our first black President.]]
-->-- '''Toni Morrisson''', "On the First Black President", 1998

->So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!

->Is THAT against the law? Do you need [[FelonyMisdemeanor the Supreme Court]] for THAT one? You coulda took that one to ''Series/ThePeoplesCourt''! Coulda took that one to ''Series/JudgeJudy''! She'da knocked that one out in a half hour plus commercial!

->Bill Clinton will be addressing the nation tonight at 10pm. ''[[Wrestling/WCWMondayNitro Nitro]]'' and ''[[Wrestling/WWERaw Raw]]'' will also be on at the same time. So fans will have to choose between talk, sex, [[BreadEggsBreadedEggs and talk about sex]].\\\

-->-- '''Creator/GoreVidal'''

-->-- '''Toni Morrisson'''

-->--'''''{{Website/Uncyclopedia}}'''''

-->-- '''[[http://projectnes.blogspot.com/2011/01/walter-pretending-dirty-harry.html Dr. Phil Sandifer]]'''

->''"Posterity is the world to come; the world for whom we hold our ideals, from whom we have borrowed our planet, and to whom we bear sacred responsibility. We must do what America does best: offer more opportunity to all and demand responsibility from all."''
-->-- '''First Inaugural Address''', January 20, 1993

->Come on, people. Is this really the best we can do? Toronto's mayor is out there sucking on a glass dong and what kind of scandals are we countering with? A talking points memo about Benghazi and some boring IRS bullshit? This is pathetic. In my day, we had Presidents that jizzed on interns and made them stuff cigars up into their bodies. Now THAT is a scandal, my friends. But the IRS giving a closer look at Tea Party groups? That's not a scandal. That's just common sense. Of course the IRS gave these people additional scrutiny. '''THEY DON'T WANNA PAY ANY FUCKING TAXES'''... Call me when [[UsefulNotes/BarackObama Obama]] orders Biden to off his mistress. Then we'll be getting somewhere.
-->--'''[[http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-feed/2013/05/make-it-stop-the-worst-of-the-week-of-051713.html Drew Magary]]''', ''Make It Stop''

->Come on, people. Is this really the best we can do? Toronto's mayor is out there sucking on a glass dong and what kind of scandals are we countering with? A talking points memo about Benghazi and some boring IRS bullshit? This is pathetic. In my day, we had Presidents that jizzed on interns and made them stuff cigars up into their bodies. Now THAT is a scandal, my friends. But the IRS giving a closer look at Tea Party groups? That's not a scandal. That's just common sense. Of course the IRS gave these people additional scrutiny. '''THEY DON'T WANNA PAY ANY FUCKING TAXES.'''... Call me when [[UsefulNotes/BarackObama Obama]] orders Biden to off his mistress. Then we'll be getting somewhere.

-->--'''[[http://www.ddtdigest.com/updates/1998083m.htm DDT]]'''

->Come on, people. Is this really the best we can do? Toronto's mayor is out there sucking on a glass dong and what kind of scandals are we countering with? A talking points memo about Benghazi and some boring IRS bullshit? This is pathetic. In my day, we had Presidents that jizzed on interns and made them stuff cigars up into their bodies. Now THAT is a scandal, my friends. But the IRS giving a closer look at Tea Party groups? That's not a scandal. That's just common sense. Of course the IRS gave these people additional scrutiny. '''''THEY DON'T WANNA PAY ANY FUCKING TAXES.'''''... Call me when [[UsefulNotes/BarackObama Obama]] orders Biden to off his mistress. Then we'll be getting somewhere.

->''"He's UsefulNotes/JimmyCarter with a {{Creator/Fox}} attitude!"''

->''"For the most urgent matters, this Clinton man is a formidable enemy. He might be a stronger enemy than King Darius."''

->'''Max:''' Come on, you should know this. Clinton was the fun one, then came the boring one.
->'''Terry:''' They're all boring.

-> '''Lois:''' ''(in bed with Clinton)'' Peter! Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and-and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill, except...I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in U.S. History and...he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years!
-> '''Clinton:''' [[EvenTheGuysWantHim 35 years]].
-> '''Lois:''' 35 years, Peter!

->''"A man might 'forget' where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”''

->''"I was reading newspapers at the time and it is true that [[UsefulNotes/FranklinDRoosevelt Roosevelt]] was attacked for his Communist-Fascist policies, but no hookers were ever given prime time on television (even if it had been invented then) to discuss his cock."''

->''"Years ago, in the middle of the Whitewater investigation, one heard the first murmurs: white skin notwithstanding, this [[PrettyFlyForAWhiteGuy is our first black President.]]"''

->''“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!”''

->''"Let's not do [[TheNineties the '90s]] again -- except for the part where we have peace and prosperity. You know, there was an entire industry back then dedicated to making Bill Clinton's life miserable over [[AllCrimesAreEqual expensive haircuts and old land deals and the Lincoln Bedroom and getting blown]]."''
-->-- '''Bill Maher''', ''Series/RealTimeWithBillMaher''

->''"Last thing I remember was the economy was working and there was a budget surplus... Where's Clinton?"\\

"Wow! Who did he blow, [[UsefulNotes/VladimirPutin Putin]]?"''

->''"Is THAT against the law? Do you need [[FelonyMisdemeanor the Supreme Court]] for THAT one? You coulda took that one to ''Series/ThePeoplesCourt''! Coulda took that one to ''Series/JudgeJudy''! She'da knocked that one out in a half hour plus commercial!"''

->It's hard to begrudge Monica Lewinsky for [[AttentionWhore re-surfacing after a decade in an attempt to reclaim her own personal history]]...I don't know about you, but I prefer all my empty political scandals to be NEW and FRESH. Cliven Bundy? The 47 percent? Benghazi? Oh yeah, now we're talking. Those are the kind of inane, hugely distorted scandals that I can become deathly sick of right now, instead of bringing up a tiresome scandal from fifteen years ago. Maybe Bill and Monica can mutually masturbate AGAIN? Then I could feverishly speculate about the impact of such a tryst for ten whole minutes before wanting to burn this country down. I'll accept any new grist for the mill. Lord knows that our politicians are always willing to supply new material: cover-ups, fuckups, slipups...We Americans deserve nothing but the best horseshit.
-->--'''[[http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-feed/2014/05/monica-lewinsky-make-it-stop.html Drew Magary]]''', "Monica Lewinsky Has Been Back For Two Days and Already We've had Enough"

->''"For a moment, it appears that [[UsefulNotes/RichardNixon Nixonian]] politic fades...For a flickering moment, we lose sight of our own history. For a moment, it feels possible to ignore ''{{ComicBook/Watchmen}}'', to ignore ''Film/DirtyHarry'', to ignore looming nuclear armageddon. A saxophone may yet lead us from darkness, but it was not to be. The radiant light of the information age turned dark in only a decade. The ensuing darkness [[UsefulNotes/GeorgeWBush lasted eight years]]."''
-->-- '''[[http://projectnes.blogspot.com/2011/01/walter-pretending-dirty-harry.html Phil Sandifer]]'''

-->'''[[http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-feed/2014/05/monica-lewinsky-make-it-stop.html Drew Magary]]''', "Monica Lewinsky Has Been Back For Two Days and Already We've had Enough"

-->-- '''Creator/ChrisRock''', '''Bigger and Blacker'''

-->-- '''Creator/ChrisRock''', ''Bigger and Blacker'''

!!!Quotes by Clinton:

->''"Let's not do [[TheNineties the '90s]] again -- except for the part where we have peace and prosperity. You know, there was an entire industry back then dedicated to making UsefulNotes/BillClinton's life miserable over [[AllCrimesAreEqual expensive haircuts and old land deals and the Lincoln Bedroom and getting blown]]."''

-->-- '''Creator/ChrisRock'''

-->-- '''Bill Maher''', on UsefulNotes/BarackObama's 2008 presidential election win, ''Series/RealTimeWithBillMaher''

!!!Quotes by Clinton

!!!Fiction

!!!On Clinton

-->-- '''''Series/RealTimeWithBillMaher''''', on UsefulNotes/BarackObama's 2008 presidential election win