History JustForFun / Anaprotestantism

Considered [[{{Determinator}} one of the most resilient religious groups of all time]], Anaprotestants have left a strong mark in the collective unconscious of the few university professors who know about them. After centuries of unwavering faith, enduring [[FlameWar religious wars]], [[AllOfTheOtherReindeer persecutions]] and [[NoodleIncident a crossdressing scandal involving the pope and Mount Rushmore]], the last remnants of Anaprotestants settled in suburbian [[QuirkyTown Trottwood, Ohio]], where they still perform cult at the Church of The All-Forgiving Goat every Saturday at 5:00 am.

* YA Paranormal Romance writer JustForFun/SerraElinsen, who hopes to bring more attention to it with {{Literature/ViridianSaga}}. She succeeded, but [[Administrivia/RuleOfCautiousEditingJudgment let's not debate how much her religion]] ''really influenced her writing'' or if she sincerely believes in this faith. Also, her book is totally not CanonDefilement, and Cthulu never caused anyone who made a critical comment about it to go insane. Evere thicl echggccha ct'fdyrgcb c'deceeic3 e48 c'uioscna rñl3ñhfñll.

Selly found him craddling his goat and offered comfort and advice untill he made an insensitive joke about elderly incontinence. Enraged, [[MotiveRant she started cackling, admitted her guilt]], and denounced him to the authorities. Her plan backfired when Harriet's maternal uncle, sheriff Eustace Ellinsen, who had shared a passionate romance with Amalthea twenty years prior, encountered her body and blamed Selly and Margaret (the latter of whom had been instrumental in putting an end to their romance, by selling Amalthea to the Lynleys) for everything. After Margaret's [[FamousLastWords famous last words]] "If you choose death and destruction, then death and destruction will choose you !", Selly was hanged and Margaret was found already dead, budgeonned to death by her cell's door. Some argue that Amalthea had briefly posessed it, since her corpse was surrounded in goat prints and her hair had been eaten off and regurgitated, but the Ellinsen and Slinkle were both known to have terrible coordination, and a recent autopsy report by Trottwood authorities concluded that she had repeatedly leaped at the door after escalading her cell's walls and walking on the celling like a spider, hitting the doorknob with the back of her head between eight and eleven times. Because a goat cannot posess a door, that's just silly.

* YA Paranormal Romance writer JustForFun/SerraElinsen, who hopes to bring more attention to it with {{Literature/ViridianSaga}}. She succeeded, but [[Administrivia/RuleOfCautiousEditingJudgment let's not debate how much her religion]] ''really influenced her writing'' or if she sincerely believes in this faith. Also, her book is totally not CanonDefilement, and Cthulu never caused anyone who made a critical comment about it to go insane. Evere thicl echggccha ct'fdyrgcb c'deceeic3 e48 c'uioscna rñl3ñhfñll. ...............................

* YA Paranormal Romance writer JustForFun/SerraElinsen, who hopes to bring more attention to it with {{Literature/ViridianSaga}}. She succeeded, but [[RuleOfCautiousEditingJudgement let's not debate how much her religion]] ''really influenced her writing'' or if she sincerely believes in this faith. Also, her book is totally not CanonDefilement, and Cthulu never caused anyone who made a critical comment about it to go insane. Evere thicl echggccha ct'fdyrgcb c'deceeic3 e48 c'uioscna rñl3ñhfñll. ...............................

When accused of well poisoning, the only viable defence for Renaissance era Jewish communities was to blame Anaprotestants. Such strategies were perfectly harmless to [[TheScapegoat the Anaprotestant Church]], since its members were routinely seen urinating in other people's wells. The scared villagers only [[VictimBlaming blamed the wells]] for allowing themselves [[DefiledForever to be defiled]], and while thousands of wells were burried under rocks, sometimes during siege or after an extremely severe drought, no practicioner of Anaprotestantism was ever charged or prosecuted for those crimes.

Thus they chose the name Anaprotestants, which should mean ''those who protest again'', but they thought meant ''[[MeaningfulName those who]] [[SubvertedTrope do not protest]]''. A brief historic of anaprotestantism reveals how problematic this lifestyle would become when Anaprotestants tried to blend with other religious groups, since they based their doctrines on the first opinion they heard on any subject, even when it lead to self-contradiction and internal inconsistencies. Anaprotestants themselves often admit that they could not explain what they believe in, just [[PityingPerversion wish for the bridge of the lamb to fall upon unbelievers]]. Here are, however, the few canonical beliefs that most of them agree on, [[CivilWar most of the time]] :

* Ophelie de Laertes (''nee'' Phellie Lertz), university professor and spokeswoman who emigrated from Trottwood age 6 in 1976. After refusing to let his daughter dress as a witch for Halloween in 1975, Lertz's father met Doctor Slinkle, PhD in Clownery, and hospitalized his daughter at Dr Slinkle's ''Home For Loose Women'', from which she escaped two months later. Her memoir ''Be A Good Girl : How My Fragile Infant Psyche Was Destroyed By Beauty And The Beast and Some Guy With No PhD Who Liked To Dress Up As A Clown'' details the indoctrination techniques used on defiant Anaprotestant daughters. Forcing them to read stories of entraped women who learn to love their captor, glorifying StockholmSyndrome as the ultimate form of sacrifice, villifying self-esteem, female friendship, or any kind of relationships between women as "selfishness", "narcisism" and "vanity" and using Korean brainwashing techniques to forbid reflection, Slinkle brutally enforced the norms set up by his ancestor The Guide. The memoir's rights have been bought by Lifetime in September 2012, but the movie is stuck in DevelopmentHell.

Considered [[{{Determinator}} one of the most resilient religious groups of all time]], Anaprotestants have left a strong mark in the collective unconscious of the few university professors who know about them. After centuries of unwavering faith, enduring [[FlameWar religious wars]], [[AllTheOtherReindeer persecutions]] and [[NoodleIncident a crossdressing scandal involving the pope and Mount Rushmore]], the last remnants of Anaprotestants settled in suburbian [[QuirkyTown Trottwood, Ohio]], where they still perform cult at the Church of The All-Forgiving Goat every Saturday at 5:00 am.

The beginnings of Anaprotestantism and the proclamation of its funding principles are surprisingly well-documented, having been immediately recorded by [[UnfazedEveryman roman Centurion Publius Blandinus Celsi]]. In June 47 AD, the soldier wrote a report to his superior to justify his arriving late to a parade. He had been caught up in the BarBrawl caused by [[MeleeATrois a philosophical debate]] between [[BlackDudeWhiteDude a Gnostic, a Zoroastrian, a Christian, and a bearded woman named Rebecca]]. After knocking out the Zoroastrian with an amphora, Rebecca stole the content of his purse and agreed to share it with the Christian, the Gnostic and the centurion in exchange of their silence.

Thus they chose the name Anaprotestants, which should mean ''those who protest again'', but they thought meant ''[[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin those who]] [[SubvertedTrope do not protest]]''. A brief historic of anaprotestantism reveals how problematic this lifestyle would become when Anaprotestants tried to blend with other religious groups, since they based their doctrines on the first opinion they heard on any subject, even when it lead to self-contradiction and internal inconsistencies. Anaprotestants themselves often admit that they could not explain what they believe in, just [[PityingPerversion wish for the bridge of the lamb to fall upon unbelievers]]. Here are, however, the few canonical beliefs that most of them agree on, [[CivilWar most of the time]] :

!! Anaprotestant doctrine

* Anaprotestants quickly adopted the Gnostic belief that the Primordial Chaos that was God had split itself into superior beings named eons [[HatesBeingAlone out of desire for companionship]], untill [[StrawFeminist a female being named Sophia]] decided that she could live and work without a man-god. She was [[TooDumbToLive punished for her pride]] when her imperfect creation swallowed her, having turned into the tyrannical and blind Demiurge (an AlternateCharacterInterpretation of the Old Testament God). [[TheOphelia She was so lonely and tortured by guilt over her own stupidity]], [[UnrequitedTragicMaiden she shattered her soul into pieces that would become human souls]]. [[quoteright:250:http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/what_a_charmer_1370.jpg]]

* Those three kinds of men [[BecauseDestinySaysSo are predestined to be who they are]], and no effort or act of charity can change it. Like some early Calvinist protestants, Anaprotestants will argue that everything is a prophecy or a drama created by eons to show how superior they are, and that we must not intervene when life is unfair to someone else or to ourselves. If one happens to be a rich Anaprotestant slavemaster in eighteenth century Ohio, or, after 1803, a plantation owner who forgot to pay wages, there was nothing one should do about it. Similarly, if one was an enslaved '''hylic''', one has to feel grateful that [[BewareTheNiceOnes the Perfect had not sacrificed you to serve as a scarecrow]] for this year's Halloween celebration (or, after 1974, the Pumpkin Ball). [[quoteright:258:http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/citrouille_anaprotestante_6009.jpg]][[caption-width-right:258:Don't you forget them pumpkins !]]

[[caption-width-right:299:What happened once the bar closed and for the two following years...]]

[[caption-width-right:299:What happened once the bar closed...]]

[[caption-width-right:299:What happened once the bar closed]]

[[caption-width-right:299:An accurate depiction of Jerusalem once the founders of Anaprotestantism were done founding it]]

Bernard Gui, who all but eradicated Catharis from X I I I th century Provence, [[AlwaysSomeoneBetter was known to hand money, titles and nuns to Anaprotestants]] just to have them leave his bishopric. At least one group refused, returning [[IHaveYouNowMyPretty everything but the nuns]]. According to an apocryphal legend, the same happened to a Spanish Inquisitor, who later had his lost purse returned by an Anaprotestant, and dissolved into unstoppable sobbing, before burning it, burrying it under stones and asking for his mother to come and see that nothing moved below because he did not dare look. His mother could not indluge, since her entire convent had just been offered to a large Anaprotestant settlement near Murcia, Andalucia.

* Anaprotestants quickly adopted the Gnostic belief that the Primordial Chaos that was God had split itself into superior beings named eons [[HatesBeingAlone out of desire for companionship]], untill [[StrawFeminist a female being named Sophia]] decided that she could live and work without a man-god. She was [[TooDumbToLive punished for her pride]] when her imperfect creation swallowed her, having turned into the tyrannical and blind Demiurge (an AlternateCharacterInterpretation of the Old Testament God). [[TheOphelia She was so lonely and tortured by guilt over her own stupidity]], [[UnrequitedTragicMaiden she shattered her soul into pieces that would become human souls]].