History Funny / TheMaryTylerMooreShow

--->'''Lou''': Lucky more people weren't hurt. Lucky that elephant didn't go after somebody else.
--->'''Murray''': That's right. After all, you know how hard it is to stop after just one peanut.

--> '''Mary:''' Thank you. I have never been so happy to tell a story in my life! This is a story about someone so...so insensitive. Yes, insensitive, Ted Baxter, that he would use part of a person's life...to get a crummy three minutes of attention! This is somebody so... Look at me, Ted! This is somebody so insensitive and who has reached such a low point that he would steal a story! That was one of the most important moments in my life, Ted, and you made it into a...a horse story! Well, you've gone too far! I have some things on my chest that I have been saving for YEARS! [the bell rings] NOBODY MOVE!

-->'''Dan''': Where's Mary?
-->'''Murray''': [[BlatantLies Uh, not here.]]
-->'''Lou''': [[BlatantLies Not in yet.]]
-->'''Ted''': [[BreadEggsMilkSquick She's dead!]]

-->'''Mary''': (stops crying to look up at Ted)
-->'''Ted''': (throws out his hands in a frightening motion) BOO!
-->'''Mary''': (shrieks, resumes crying)

-->'''Ted''': (dressed in a beard and mustache) This is Nigel Reed substituting for Ted Baxter, who's on ''religious retreat''... in Washington.

-->'''Ted''': God bless you, Nigel.

-->'''Ted''': You don't want me to tell them what you ''really'' do around here, do you?
-->'''Mary''': ''What'' do you think I do around here?
-->'''Ted''': (laughs) Well, you come in, you hang up your coat, you talk to Murray. You go in there, discuss your problems with Lou. You wear a lot of different clothes and you have a lot of big parties. You wouldn't want me to tell them that, would you?

--->'''Ted''': Gee, and I always thought it was ''my'' fault the show had stunk!

'''Lou''': [In as unexcited a tone as possible] Yes, Mary. I am having fun with you. This is probably the most fun I have had here. Pretty soon, I will have to stop all this fun, and go back to work. After all, Mary, life is more than just mirth and whoopie, isn't it?\\
'''Mary''': [Easily picking up on the SarcasmMode] I will go and tape it.\\
[She goes to open the door]\\

-->'''Georgette''': Well, I'd always dreamed of being married in something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. {{Beat}}. But what the hell. We're in a hurry.

-->'''Ted''': Georgette... I promise... to be a faithful husband to you... and never... give you cause to regret... having married... such a cluck.

** Ted's improvised on-air eulogy: "Ladies and gentlemen, sad news. One of our most beloved entertainers, and close personal friend of mine, is dead. Chuckles the Clown died today from - from uh - he died a broken man. Chuckles, uh, leaves a wife. At least I assume he was married, he didn't seem like the other kind. I don't know his age, but I guess he was probably in his early sixties; it's kind of hard to judge a guy's face especially when he's wearing big lips and a light bulb for a nose. But he had his whole life in front of him, except for the sixty some odd years he already lived. I remember, Chuckles used to recite a poem at the end of each program. It was called "The Credo of the Clown," and I'd like to offer it now in his memory - "A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants." That's what it's all about, folks, that's what he stood for, that's what gave his life meaning. Chuckles liked to make people laugh. You know what I'd like to think, I'd like to think that somewhere, up there tonight, in his honor, a choir of angels is sitting on whoopee cushions."

--->'''Sue Ann''': What would you suggest, dear -- fruit?